if you have wings, you can fly...

Tuesday mom goes in for her 3 month PET scan. And the week after that, she goes to see the doctor. He will then tell her if the cancer has spread or not.

I saw her today and the worry is starting to show.
There is really nothing we can do except wait. There is nothing I can do now except wait and watch her wait, and try to not entertain the idea that the cancer has come back and that she has only a limited amount of time to live.

Nobody wants to entertain these ideas, but times like this, they seem to stare you down, making you uncomfortable, blink and look away.

So please, say a little prayer for her. She goes in at 9am on the 2nd of July and the week after, we get the results.

I'm praying my heart out that we will, in fact, have a little more time together because we are finally starting to know and love eachother not only as mother and daughter but as women, forging a special bond that I hope to keep alive for a while longer....

amen to that

another week is over - june is almost over
and we unwind into this long weekend


and amen to this

have a good one...

driving and jumpstarting

Drove to my mom's house yesterday and back without breaking a sweat.
A good 15/20 min journey.
Over and under overpasses and underpasses, 3 lane traffic, and during the transition between dusk and twilight (and that was a first).

It was all good.

and it's official.
I'm going to see a NLP life coach
on the 1st of july at 1pm

how wild is that?
Out with the old, in with the new!

and today - advice to take my career by the horns and charge on through.


Aries Horoscope for week of June 26, 2008

Welcome to Part Two of your outlook for the second half of 2008, Aries. We're checking up on how you're progressing with the challenges you were given near the end of last year. I'm hoping that by now you're well on your way toward leaving your amateur or rookie status behind for good. I trust that you have had a vision of exactly what you need to do in order to boost your level of professionalism, and that you have taken aggressive steps to carry out that vision. If for some bizarre reason you have not yet begun this glorious work, jumpstart yourself immediately. Fate will conspire dramatically on your behalf if you do. Now here's a tip on how to make sure that your inner warrior is operating at peak efficiency: Assume there's always more you can do to raise your standards and aspire to a higher grade of excellence.

haha - look at what it says above Buddha's head

exposure

seeing only the possibilities

signs, signs
everywhere a sign

sure, the law of averages was perhaps behind this strange series of events which transpired to make me almost walk into these signs during moments of personal doubt and fear

sure it could have been sheer coincidence that i happened to be at the right place at the right time and perhaps receptive to what elements were around me at the time - hence making all these coincidences seem as if they were meant to be

but new york is magic anyway you slice, julienne, chop or cut it.

the day after the show, I was plagued with doubts, second guessing the success of the show, the really incredible positive response to my work, and feeling that it might have all been a flash in the pan, and that when I returned home, all of this would vanish.

then I saw this:



and along with the words of anthony robbins, who's book I'm reading now, it all makes so much sense, even if those little miracles happen only in my tiny universe.

And that's all that should matter when there make magic or not.

"all successful people have the uncanny ability to focus on what is possible from every situation, what positive results could come from it. No matter how much negative feedback they get from their environment, they think in terms of possibilities. They think that everything happens for a reason, and it serves them. They beleive that every adversity contains the seed of an equivalent or greater benefit."

Anthony Robbins
Unlimited power

a very good evening indeed

didn't feel like going out tonight, but did
and had a blast.

For the first time in a long time, home was a fun place - with new friends, new places and a new attitude.

I wasn't going to go out - had been feeling crappy/pmsy/clumsy/dopey

was about to fall asleep at 8pm after really really pushing myself hard on the treadmill this afternoon.

I don't know where the energy came from,because at first, I had to peel myself off the floor - so weary and down, but once there, I managed to keep a 7mph speed for almost 20 minutes. I'm going to hate myself tomorrow for that, i'm sure.

but I had some starbucks latées and that managed to perk me up.

at the end of the night, I managed to fill up a 2Gig card, forge three new alliances and discover a club in the city that I never would have gone to otherwise.

yep.

Despite being burnt but still flying on the caffeine, I'm a happy camper.

peel me off like a scab, and then vote for me...

I sent that link to almost all of my contact to my online portfolio - only a teeny tiny handful of people replied - perhaps I'm to much for too many people?

I dunno.

Sometimes, I wonder if I should just fuck off from humanity - or be lucrative about those who want to stick around and gawk, charging entrance fees to the history of my life and tattoo a disclaimer on my body saying:

"warning - the following content deals with mature subject matter. Viewer discretion is advised..."

and then let them figure it out themselves.

but as a photographer - we are exposing ourselves - our visions for scrutiny to the world. And hence, like an open wound, we are vulnerable to the elements - however harsh or delicate they may be.

and the scabs keep on forming, falling off and then healing only to have another chunk of flesh removed at another time. But like the skin, i am constantly being rejuvenated by the miracle of life. Each cycle, a mystery in itself.

And as a photographer, there is no other way I would ever want to see or experience the world - a mystery in itself.

Life's inherent beauty

I was thinking about my upcoming PET scan today, worrying about the results, and then I got this in the email . Talk about timely!

enjoy!

mom

June 20, 2008

Life’s Inherent Beauty
Capricorn Daily Horoscope

Your expectation of what the future may or may not bring can cause you to be distracted and not fully aware in the present today. You may feel a sense of anxious anticipation while you wait to find out whether your life will truly correspond to your predictions or fantasies. This nervousness can prevent you from experiencing all of the rich fullness of the moment. Putting aside your expectations for a short period can help you see what is going on around you in the present. You may discover that your ability to focus on your duties, enjoy recreational activities, and relate effectively to others is restored when you exist in the moment. You can regain your inner equilibrium today by endeavoring to be aware of the sights, sounds, and feelings of the present.

When you focus on being in the moment, you can enjoy the circumstances, sensations, and emotional states that exist in the present. Frequently, we miss out on the pleasures right in front of us because we are reliving an incident from our past or ruminating on what the future may bring. Living in the moment is a means of becoming aware of what is happening within you and outside of you. Fixed in the present, your perception is unsullied by memory or hypothesis. You can immerse yourself in the richness of each new experience. As you do, you’ll learn to appreciate the uncomplicated beauty of moving through life. You will discover that there is joy to be had in every experience today when you live in the moment.

late late night ramblings are the best ramblings of this catatonic photographer

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"A man should write for all he is worth, about whatever state he is in at the time, however little he knows about it. You only stumble on poetic truth in the dark, in the light it is too easy to step around it."

P J Kavanagh.


this should be my new profile blurb


and I will post this on my wall, in gigantic letters to remind me every day the reasons why I continue to keep this blog.

In response to "when the light fails to come"

This was an email from a lovely flickr friend who saw my post and was concerned about my health. Thank you Ruud so very very much...



Have you tried Chinese medicine? I'm not saying that its going to solve it, but I see a pattern of pathology according to Chinese medicine. So its interesting to check out.

On the emotional field the liver liver pathology deals a lot with Anger (which is healthy) depression, frustration.

The liver houses the 'hun' (ethereal spirit) which deals with going forward, expression, having goals, creativity. which are the opposite of depression which is basically a deep rooted feeling of not going forward but being stuck.

Interestingly the liver controls the 'eyes'.

Western medicine is based on suppressing your problems but not getting rid of them at the root. Emotions have to be vented otherwise it will emerge on an other level.

This 'hun' of the liver also helps the 'Shèn' (spirit, mind) of the heart to get rooted. If it doesn't do that the mind starts floating...insomnia, manic behavior,.... and also spots in the eye.

Anyway you get the picture. I can't imagine there isn't a good Chinese medicine guy where you live. If you can find one that has more experience in spirit disorders would be even better but not necessary.

If you treat the body you treat the spirit.

Maybe this can shed a better light on you pathology. Its worth a try, right?

I love my friends...

I love my friends.

God has blessed me with some wonderful people in my life - I cherish them to bits - and the ones that make me laugh till I cry, those are priceless.

My friend Ilene is a classic.

I told her that I want to take her humor gene and put it into a pill - that will be my new anti-depressant...


One night while we were out with her friends, she says this to me.

Straight face and all.

Didn't even blink an eyelash.

And for a moment, I really thought she was serious - until a few seconds later she broke a smile.

Then we laughed for about an hour - making tangent jokes from this one line.


"My money situation now is really tight. I'm very broke, so I'm thinking of selling my vagina on ebay - you know, 'cause it's used; but I don't know how much I'll get for it because it's all stretched out, old and wrinkly."

God bless you Ilene.
You are one of a kind, and I'm so happy that you are in my life!!

how to communicate effectively, purely.

Ahh.
late late night - past midnight.

Got back from the gym not long ago - last call at 10pm, but stayed for the steam and sauna till 11.

Decided to shake up the routine.

Now I'm wired from doing too much cardio - but it's all good.

Normally, because of this surplus energy, I would have spent most of the night firing off long and complex emails to my friends, not that they don't appreciate it - as a matter of fact they do...



And just when I thought I had to edit myself, I got this from a friend of mine.

and it made everything all right...

Thank you so so very very much matt.
Your words have healed a worried mind and weary soul.


.

.



And please don't apologize to me, not ever, for writing too much.

I think what I like about your photographic style is also that which I enjoy about your style of writing, or captioning your photographs.
You do it all with such passion, such natural intensity, like its being processed by your brain but streaming live from your soul.

That is not the most common thing to encounter, and it is a thing which i place in high regard.

Knowing how to communicate effectively, purely, and without typical boundaries or borders is only worth knowing if you can find other people who know this as well.





This is what I wrote back.


Funny, things just seem to flow out of my fingertips, onto the keyboard and tend to make so much sense late late at night.

When my guard is let down


"You do it all with such passion, such natural intensity, like its being processed by your brain but streaming live from your soul."

Oh matt, those words are healing for me right now.

So many times I feel as if I have to edit myself. I come on too strong, am to bold and rush to get what I want, want to know answers yesterday and don't know the meaning of patience or wait.

I know this "intensity" shows in my photography - and in my relationships, which I tend to monopolize and complicate. Some people can handle it; some say they can, but then run for the hills when I send them copious paragraphs of my philosophizing and analysis of the world around us, around them and around myself.

Thank you for not running...


"That is not the most common thing to encounter, and it is a thing which i place in high regard."

and when I got this message, I had the same thoughts about you and your photography, and writing as well.

Great minds think alike ;-)


"Knowing how to communicate effectively, purely, and without typical boundaries or borders is only worth knowing if you can find other people who know this as well."

Can I quote you on that?

This is a brilliant line - I'm thinking of making a tshirt out of it, put your name on the bottom. And when people ask me who is Matt Carr, I will send them to your flickr site, and then say "this man is a highly enlightened human being, and I'm happy to say that he's my friend..."

I'm happy that I was able to give you another angle to what I saw in your photographs. I love doing that for people - I love it when it happens to me.

I think that when we take pictures, there are several layers of meaning and interpretation that lie within the pathways of the brain, and because we can only process so much information at one time, only the strongest ideas punch through - making it to the central processing center which then tells our hands and eyes to create what we see as a finished image.

Sometimes, residuals drip through in the way we chose to frame something, the intensity of the light might be a reference point to an earlier idea - but it all happens under the radar - what a beautiful and magical process!

And shooting inebriated? Hell, that's the best time!

If you are like me, you are a thinker - sometimes too much for your own good, and because of that, we edit, shave down and cut around the juiciest part of our raw ideas, making it a nice and tidy package - easily digestible.

But when we let our guard down (either through mind altering substances or also, in my case, mania or depression) we plug up the dam of reason, of safety, of logic and (as I said before) let the floodgates of instinct open and then, the emotion, the intensity, the honesty of what we are feeling, even the most intangible and incomprehensible ones to make their way to our creative centers.

No editing, no stopping - just feeling and experiencing.

i think that is what real art is all about.
From writing, to photographing to living.

Reaction time

I had my first fender bender.


Decided to practice driving with e - tried to parallel park at this jappy mecca shopping center (the people are notorious bad drivers, I should have know better than to venture into that mimbo/bimbo territory).

this woman in an suv was pulling out. She didn't see me - nothing. Did not even look behind to notice if there were any cars behind her, just backed out like she thought she was the entitled queen of goddamn sheeba and hit my backside.

Well, a bump. Scratched the back, but this car is a turd box so it doesn't really matter anyway - but as she was backing out, he told me to hit the horn. I just sat there stunned. I was frozen in place, hands on the wheel - shocked and horrified.

I could not react.

And that freaked the shit out of me.
What if she had been coming full throttle.

That worries me - my reaction time - hair trigger on some things, slow as molasses in others.

But this quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson sits on my keyboard to remind me to keep perspective of the grand scheme of things.

I got it from one of those desktop day calendars long ago, trimmed it, and then set it on a sheet of strange and scary looking clowns (those dollar store wrapping papers are not for the faint at heart) and put it in a clip frame behind glass.

it's become my mantra

scary clowns and all

"Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities crept in. Forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you should being it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."

amen to that Ralphie...

can it be another sign?

She's thinking.
Originally uploaded by Jan Bakker

CBT - in neon no less...


how is that for being obvious
hello




I'm thinking and by virtue of this action, doing.

when it rains, it pours hammers...

This is too freaky.

I'm shaking - it's that freaky...

Long and short - went to the gym (man, one week and I'm so outa shape...) and saw some of my gym peeps. Got talking some more with a great girl who works there - turns out that a) she adores nyc as much as I do (and that's a lot!) b) adores photography - being in front and behind the camera and c) is an actor.

put all of those things together and you get a vibrant electric firecracker who's up for anything that I would throw at her.

Told her that new york is my drug - that the electricity there fuels my soul, makes me feel alive, and that the pace is more than comfortable, it's natural - she really felt the same way.

Told her about my self portraits - my ever growing collection of wigs and cocktail dresses, how I really immerse myself into the whole process, from creation, conceptualization, and execution - going whole hog with the props, lighting and setup - she really got it.

Told her about my sex and la cité play ( see, it came up again!!!) - that's when she told me that she's studying acting, and is looking for a role to sink her teeth into - she really feels passionate about her craft and would love to brain storm with me - perhaps work on something together.

Told her about the email from B, and the conversation with my mother - both happening within a span of 12 hours, talking about me getting back to writing again, and how the strange coincidences made me think that I might be onto something over here - the writing, the acting, the photography...

I had a momentary lapse of freakout - lost touch with reality for about 3 seconds when I had just realized what I said - and what we had been talking about for the past 45 minutes...

Oh Girl - these are the signs! You have to follow them! They are telling you something!!! How wild is that!?

And indeed, it is very wild.
Very wild indeed.

Seems as if I'm answering my own questions now.

and it seems that I'm onto something called the "right path" - with my art, be it writing or photography.

it all feels so right....

tipping point...

My mom said she also watched the Tony's last night...

"I was thinking that you should be up there - your plays, your humor, you work, because you are just so good at it..."

and then she reads me my daily ohm.

I almost fainted.

I mean - come on

this is getting creepy, but creepy in a nice way...

June 16, 2008 - The Daily Ohm
Perspective Unfurling

Aries Daily Horoscope

You may feel particularly liberal-minded today as you move through the various spheres of your life and engage your peers in discussions regarding planetary conditions. Should you find yourself confronted with concepts or philosophies foreign to you, you’ll likely feel compelled to research this new knowledge rather than be put off by its alien nature. As you study beliefs that differ from your own or the cultures of far-flung lands, you may sense that your mind is opening to new possibilities. This exposure to intriguing spiritual practices and modes of living can inspire you to introduce them into your own daily life. You may feel that the boundaries of your experience are expanding today and allowing you to view the world from a broader vantage point.

As we broaden the scope of our experience through exploration, we equip ourselves to bring about a new age of consciousness and compassion.

Sweeping change can only occur when a tipping point is reached, one that compels people to open their minds to possibilities unlike any they’ve considered before.

When we unfurl our perspectives, allowing the vast wind of cultural and philosophical diversity to fill our minds, we become part of a larger yet invisible movement to bring humanity into the light of awareness. By simply living in accordance with our values, going about our everyday duties, we set a liberal and inquisitive example that others cannot help but notice. When you embark on a search for personal improvement today you will empower yourself to spread enlightenment among all of your associates.

and now, looking at my profile, I'm getting those weird chills again, stomach acrobatics, an instinctive knowing that is too strong to shake off -
so I'm adding a little piece of the puzzle I forgot to add so long ago -

Having written my first cryptic word at the age of 2, I would find out only 33 years later (while watching a film about a man who is trying to discover his life's vocation) that this word - "okhtohie' meant 'purpose' in Japanese. Having veered off in different directions throughout my life, I believe that my existence here is for a 'purpose' - to write and share my stories of a day in the life of a girl whose life is constantly being bombarded with strange coincidences, outrageous situations and a cornucopia of odd yet amusing characters - stuff that is just too weird, it had to be captured in a blog format to be read and believed. And did I mention that it's all about me?

There's a little bit of Broadway and the universe in everyone

Just finished writing to the gallery peeps.

One in particular, saying that he would love my "sex and la cité" play because he had been to mtl, was fluent in french and would get all the crazy outrageous bawdy jokes I wrote.

I said that I would either send it down or mail it to him.

minutes later, got an email from b - he said that he was watching the tony's and thought that my writing was witty, and had I ever thought about writing a play before?

...



Oh the irony.

Yea - we could have taken SALC to nyc. I had asked for it, pushed it, but everybody was chicken shit. As I wrote to b - "i would have done it myself, but I didn't have enough multiple personalties to put on a one woman show..."

who knows
maybe nyc is ready for SALC - the one that I wrote
my baby

she's going home...


****

And this is from last Wednesday night. I was walking down 94th and wondering if the gallery opening that was showing my photography could be the start of something wonderful. If it would actually open doors for me, a new begining...

Not two seconds after this thought popped into my head, I saw this on a blackboard 10 feet in front of me at a place called The Ayurveda café.


you need only to let go - the universe then begins to create life for you effortlessly because you have gotten out of the way


ayurveda cafe - a place for balance
94th and Broadway, New York




how fucken brilliant was that moment?

a classic I tell you

a classic hammer on the head if I ever felt one...

into the hills and far away...

Today, I am exhausted. On a deep tissue and cerebral level.
It's always happens. Must make a note to myself to dig out those posts that proceed the "day after being home" trips. I'm sure they will enlighten me as to how I need to sidestep the monster of bipolar lows.


just because I'm too exhausted to wax poetic about what I'm feeling now, here is a letter to a friend...



It was so wonderful to finally meet you, and also, it was great to find someone as intense as I am. Aside from Bella, I think we are a rare breed. And that might be a good thing - imagine someone like us running the united states...

You have such a great energy, upfront with a no shit attitude. Just like Bella told me you would. I really appreciate that.
It seems like its sorely lacking here in in the city.

Thank you for coming out that night - and then having such a great heart to heart with me. Some of the things you said about my art - my honesty in what I write and photograph, I needed to hear that.

I've been feeling like a fish out of water - flapping around desperatley to find my way back to what I once knew as something which was my element (had been out of it too long, and momentarily forgot where it was that I came from - my passion for photography and writing - telling stories), but having somebody see me from the outside, but who also knew me on the inside, and pointing out that I was on the right path, the right track, made my manic mind calm down. Ease into a sublime tranquility about trusting the universe and trusting myself as to where I was going and how I would get there...

it all went by so fast - the show - the night out, the next day recuperating and hung over, and then into the sunset, on the highway, into the night.


It seems as if I blinked and I was on my way back home - driving through the mountains in a torrential downpour that mimicked my sadness, my mental tears as I left that wonderful city of yours behind...


This trip was quite overwhelming - too much actually. I'm usually quite level headed while i'm there, but I guess with the show - all the anticipation that lead up to it - then the opening night - the heat in the gallery, and then that same night at the bar (god, it's been forever since I've closed down a bar.w I was a bloody mess until this morning...) and now that I'm home, I'm quite depressed.

it happens when I come back from your beautiful city - I feel like a crack whore addict - needing my fix that is 500 miles away, and it's making me cranky, prompting me to sway and swing from my manic highs to now shit off the bottom of the shoe scraping lows...

but I could also be pmsing - but ouch. Talk about timing...

not pretty...


New york's pull on me is defiant yet welcoming.
I don't know how the hell I'm going to get down there, but something will shift, I feel it will be through my art, which will allow me to find another me down there.


Speaking of which, e said that he will most definitely come down again in july as he has some work in westchester, so if he's not with his boss, I will hop along with him. No gallery openings, just time to wind down and hang with my peeps in the city.

I'm going to take the next few days to wind down. I have to digest everything that B said about the direction of my art, where I need to go and how I need to focus.
Lots to process.
Lots of plans to make.

This week, i can tell you, I'll be under my bed, hiding from my dustbunnies who have grown into dustmonsters while we were away, now giving me the evil swiffer eye, as I try to recuperate and refresh back into my normal hum drum life here at home.

Thank you so much again for coming by the show - I'm so happy we have a such a great connection. It's funny, like I said at the show, it feels like I've known you forever :-)

and those photos you took - so very kick ass.
You must show me more of them.

I look so radiant and happy.
The way I should be looking all the time.

sigh...


take care of yourself too my dear.

back in the little village

so very strange - rolling into the city again.


St. Denis - "the hip" street looked like a country road in comparison to what we saw in nyc.

Seriously - it all looked "quaint"

E said: "in nyc - if you look up, all you see are buildings. You don't even see sky - just metal, concrete and glass - here we can actually see what color the sky is, and actual rooftops"

So very true.


We are going into reverse culture shock - from big to small.

And so the winding down process begins.

It will take a week for me to come down from the high



And I miss it already - the city that has stolen my heart


and I miss the people - all of those people who came out to see me and my show. I was so touched and moved by that. Really almost brings a tear to my eye just thinking about it. I'm so very thankful for that experience and those memories that were made this past week.

More people showed up there than for stuff I've had here.

go figure

but it's all good - my friends who embrace my craziness, the gallery and owners who beleive in my work, and the future and all of the possibilities it brings.

Coming back from nyc and I now feel refreshed, renewed and ready to take on the world.

if I can make it there, I can make it anywhere

and back in the little village, I shouldn't worry about not making a big splash here because I matter where it matters the most.

spring awakening in a vintage summer dress or - " I'd like to thank the academy"

Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty

A huge thank you to all my friends - new flickr and old flickr folk, my new york gang who made the trek out to see me at the show, the amazing people at Monkdogz who believed in my art enough to show it. to eric for putting up with me being a total diva and being able to wrap around a business trip so we could take a vacation, to anthony for letting me bargain to get this fabulous dress, and to the universe who conspired to put into play a series of what seemed to be random events which let to this wonderful day...

thank you all so very very much...

So as I get ready to head home in the morning, I have a smile on my face and glow in my heart - it was a very good day indeed~

credit where you can get it...

more to come about my trip to nyc..

but this to a friend of mine last night - half drunk, fully exhausted, completely happy

"I didn't make the million dollar contact i had hoped, but experienced something no money could buy - a deeper understanding about why I photograph, what photography means to me and the knowledge that my work, my photos, me exposing my vulnerabilities through photography moves people so very very deeply, and that I am on the right path. Finally. I might not know exactly the perfect or right route, but I'm getting there..."

her reply...

for everything else there's Mastercard

in 7 hours

in 7 hours, we hit the road

and I'm going to attempt to drive on the highway

went today (got the "not so great" instructor...) and practiced changing lanes.

Behind the wheel, I felt confident, in control of my own car, my own space, my own speed.

and it was so very wonderful.



as the day for the opening comes closer, I'm getting more confirmation that many of my flickr friends, and other people whom I have met through the internet are coming out to see me, some I have never met in person, to celebrate my success.

My intensity does not scare them. They admire the firecracker I am. That's good because I don't intend to change any time soon. Art is all about honesty - and so am I. It's nice to know that after all these years of editing myself, I don't have to anymore.

and it is so very liberating.

I'm also receiving lost of positive feedback from the other artists who are showing in the same show - they all love my work and admire my courage in posting these arresting self portraits.

I'm in control of my own camera, my own body, my own photography.

and it feels so very right.

and for the first time in a long time, well, perhaps it really is the first time, I am walking into a big city where everybody wants to make it - my head held high, stars in my eyes and a belief that my art touches people in a way that is important. In a way that makes a difference, in a way it can change lives of others and especially myself...

note to self - read this as soon as you come back...

color mundo

I'm off to take some photos of Alex at Colormundo.

always a fun event.

being the official photographer is a nice title as well.

my camera is making funny noises again, and that worries me.

but then again, if something happens, there is always B&H around the corner from where we are staying...

and driving - I need practice.

Mom is not feeling well, working Monday so that leaves me without her help.
E is nervous (as always) and especially cause this car is about to turn into a piece of turd at the blink of an eye, he is soooo paranoid that I will crash the car.

"and so if I do, what's gonna happen? You need it for work and that way you can ask your boss for a raise to get a new one. A raise that has been, oh, what, five years in the making/waiting?"

But that's just me being bitchy and pro-active...
ha ha ha

but I will try my best to take hold of the wheel and steer that baby to freedom.

besides, highway driving is a cinch. Did it in Vermont and loved it - the freedom of the open road, the smell of the pines in the green mountains filling my lungs, some hip* tunes blaring out the windows...

what more could a girl ask for?

no comment...

*lori, I'll be thinking of you when I do this.. ;-)

for myself - to remember on my journey...

confrontation
Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty

“Oh soul,
you worry too much.
You have seen your own strength.
You have seen your own beauty.
You have seen your golden wings.
Of anything less,
why do you worry?
You are in truth
the soul, of the soul, of the soul.”


~ Jalal ad-Din Rumi ~

in preparation for viewing art in new york city

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.
.
.

it is wrong to assume that art needs a spectator in order to be.

the film runs on without any eyes.

the spectator cannot exist without it.

it ensures his existence.



Jim Morrison -
the lords and the new creatures.




So this girl who thinks too much is doing just that again - clawing her way up a slippery manic slope while being scraped down the side by the acid of logic and restraint.

Playing with my own blowtorch while putting on hairspray in a straw hut..

coming home after my appointments, I decided to pull out the montreal's raggiest rag - the Mirror (which I try to avoid because they put way too much ink in their paper - I look like a coal miner after reading the first page) and low and behold, the first page that I opened was the actual page I was looking for.

what I read completely floored me.
Utterly, and seriously...


from Real Astrology


Since authoring the book Brazen Careerist: The New Rules for Success, Penelope Trunk has written a blog that offers further advice. Recently she wrote about a subject I'd love for you to think about: mentors. You're in a phase when you have a heightened knack for identifying and attracting and learning from the guides you need. Here's one of Trunk's most crucial points: To take maximum advantage of your teachers, ask them what questions you should be asking them. Don't assume you always know what you need to find out.

SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
At the heart of the pronoiac way of life is an apparent conundrum: You can have anything you want if you'll just ask for it in an unselfish way. The trick to making this work is to locate where your deepest ambition coincides with the greatest gift you have to give. Figure out how the universe, by providing you with abundance, can improve the lot of everyone whose life you touch. Seek the fulfillment of your fondest desires in such a way that you become a fount of blessings.


(You can read Trunk's post here.)


commencing countdown, engines on...

:-0

my eyes are as wide as flying saucers.

1am and I'm still burning the past midnight oil.

I'm in the groove, the zone, the head space that makes artists euphoric -creative explosions, insights, visions.

delirium



Photoshopping the last batch of my photos to update on my site.

Did a whole new hallway self portrait series - some of which are rather dark and mysterious, but I think it's going to work.

but what really made my night was an email I received from a really well known NYC photographer.

Robert DeNiro doesn't let anybody else but Juni take portraits of him - he's that good.

he said something along the lines of - Self portraiture can be and is very difficult, but what I am trying to create, is something subtle and deeply erotic

he has a shoot that night and said that he can't wait to meet me afterward.

!!!!!

the closer that this day comes, the more excited I am becoming - telling a friend today that "what I will experience there will be life changing. Something big and wonderful is going to happen, the start of what, I don't know for sure...

ohh Lord.
Please don't let me jinx my own luck!

If shit works out the way I had told everybody it would a few months ago (now going to find that post) - I will begin to charge big bux deluxe for my psychic insight.


hmm, one link here

(but i know it's here somewhere...)

Baby, you're gonna be alright

leaving to new york in a few days - the mind races and I seek solace in the lyrics of an old friend...


SOMETIMES by Daniel Lanois

Sometimes, sometimes
Sometimes I feel like I'm playin' on the radio
Sometimes I feel like I'm on a travelin' road show
Sometimes I got the power of the will and I know my song is gonna to be alright

Sometimes I feel like I'm on a freight train
Forever rescued by the mystery rain
Sometimes I'm just out for a thrill, she always said 'Baby, you're gonna be alright'

The sun gonna come shining down; push it all away, make it alright
Sometimes in the heart of a long, cold night
It's all too far out of sight, out of sight

Hard to know everything's going to be alright
Everyone thinks you got everything you want
Hard to have and then have not
Hard to have and then have not

Sometimes I wanna take a pill and hide
Sometimes I wanna shut down and ride
And go where no man should go
Go where no man should go
Go where no man should go
Go where no man should go
Could it be, ever really be, alright

Instinct

Instinct
Originally uploaded by englishpianobloke

I have been talking a lot about this thing called instinct lately.

It's strange how it just keeps on popping up in conversations, images, songs...

is it trying to tell me something?

Sometimes I need a hammer on my head to get the obvious things in life - I have a hard skull, so it takes a while for things to sink in.

(no pun intended in reference to this photo)

englishpianobloke - thank you for posting this and having me find it.

The moral of the story here is not to think twice:

just jump

do

feel

live

experience life to the fullest.



and yes I will - off the deep end with eyes and mind wide open!!

Vroom vroom part 2

At the ungodly hour of 4am, I was still up. Sleep has skipped out of town on me once again.

The bags under my eyes are so large, that I can quite literally, shoplift a car from a parking lot and nobody would look twice...

9am - standing outside the driving school. Locked door and my instructor in a car with another student (that rat bastard! how could he!!)

but it was for the better cause he didn't have much of a sense of humor, and what he had was drier than the surface of mars.

so where does this leave me?
I came all the way here - on 3 hours of sleep on top of it all (oh yea, I'm alert. Wake me up when I have to break...) just to find out that I had to go back home without my morning spin.

A very thin looking older man approached me. Gaunt, but strong features which turned his deeply wrinkled skin into an interesting landscape.

In a deep french canadian slang that only people who have hung out or dated les francophones would understand asked: are you here for your lesson? Your instructor is already with someone. Do you know who you are with?

The blank look of distress and anguish in my face must have said it all.

"okay, I'm go to check..."

a few minutes later, cigarette already lit and in his mouth, motioned to me to follow him - "I'm your instructor"

A smoker sitting in a car with an ex smoker who now gets sick from the smell of smoke.

this is gonna be an interesting ride.

I warned him in advance that my french was not the best -and that I am at my most fluent when I am either extremely exhausted (zombie exhausted) or have had too much vino tinto to drink, so my present state of mind would probably yield some interesting broken phonetic and grammatical results.

"me too - my hinglish is not very nice sometimes. But if you hunderstand me what I say, that is good for me."

We both understood each other enough to get me out of the parking lot.

So far so good.

"do you mind if I smoke?" having already taken out the cigarette and placed it between his thin lips

"Only if I can open the window. Be glad that it's not winter because neither of us would be happy"

"Good you let me smoke because if I don't then you and I won't be happy either - we need to have smooth driving today."

and so we began to laugh - and laughed and chatted for the next two hours - and perhaps it was because I was spending more time concentrating on not collecting rear view mirrors as I drove up and down narrow side streets, I fell into kebecoise easily as if it were second nature. He tried his hand at english, and most of the time we settled on Franglais - half and half that only people from montreal can understand but we managed to keep the conversation going the whole time.

And I guess it speaks well of my driving that he didn't even see the time go by - "I had not to step on the brake even once today! Ah yoi! Dis is good!"

And it was good - I felt confident behind the wheel - trucks coming up next to me, driving past me in two way traffic - and parallel parking (which I aced on the first shot) all seemed so natural. And from what I've been told, is half the battle when it comes to driving for the first time.

"I will try to get to make you your instructor da next time. I had so much fun!"

"moi aussi".

He waved to me as I put on my trainwreck 6$ Paris Hilton knock off shades and walking back to the metro for my next appointment.



Doctor's office - what a write off that was.
She was 2 hours behind and the waiting room was FULL
the nurse said it would be a three hour wait - easy.

Well, i was not going to miss my acupuncture appointment for this so I headed right over to his locale.

I never thought that I would be so happy to see that many needles in my life, but after the crazy week I had, I needed to chill out -the ancient Chinese secret way.

The back went well - loads of spots on my back to tame the heart, the mind, the stomach, but it was when I turned over it all fell to pieces.

he was doing fine when he was in the general head area (I ask him to give me extra - I look like a red puffy pin cushion when he's done..) but then he hit the top of my right foot.

You almost had to scrape me off the ceiling!
I'm sure he hit a nerve because it was such a specific pain - deep inside the tendon -felt like somebody was simultaneously ripping out and stepping on the network of knitted veins that held my toes together.

He apologized and felt really bad because I had, up to that point, been in a state of bliss, but the pain would not go away but kept on getting worse! i could not move my toes!

Oh great, how the hell am I going to hobble home if I can't even put my shoes back on...

but the pain subsided with some more ancient Chinese secret balm, but I still had to hobble home slowly. No gym for me today. And as much as I want to push through the pain, a screaming banshee running loose on a treadmill is not a pretty sight.

Hopefully I will still have my foot attached when I wake up so I can have my regularly scheduled workout time and not have to wear awkward foot bandaging

the world is an open door, and slightly out of reach...

the world is an open door, and slightly out of reach...

Set up a situation that presents you with something slightly beyond your reach.

~ Brian Eno

I received news today that my frames reached their proper destination in New York unbroken and looking marvelous.

The reality is starting to set in.

Something that I had only dreamed about a few years ago is actually taking place.

I had set up this situation - this ideal situation (showing in a big well known gallery) which I believed to be out of reach, but eventually made it work for me.

I took bold steps, chances and gambles, and walked confidently into situations constructed by myself - eyes open, soul open and the universe has rewarded me.

On my birthday, I promised myself that it was imperative to seize more opportunities, take greater risks and trust in a greater force to be my guide - in the grand scheme of things, i would ultimately let life work through and with me.

So one week and one day to my New York trip, and life around me is slowly falling into place - one piece at a time.

one glorious miraculous piece at a time...

arrived

A huge sigh of relief

Just got the call - my frames arrived at the gallery safe and sound - in one piece.

A huge stress off of my mind.

sigh...

one week and one day to go before we hit the road in an old kit bag and smile, smile smile...

vroom vroom

had my first driving lesson today - didn't kill anything, didn't run into any parked or moving cars. All in all, it was not a bad experience. Two hours went by pretty fast, and my driving instructor is even tempered and kind. Exactly what I need...

I had to buy these cheapo gaudy Liz Taylor meets Paris Hilton sunglasses at a corner store, because when I left in the morning, it was drizzling and cloudy. My luck - had left the shades at home only to step out from the metro to a blazing hot sun.

So I looked like Liz Taylor/Paris Hilton fashion accident.

pretty funny, but it did the job - and for 7$ the shades were a steal.


next lesson 2mrw -another 2 hours followed by a doctor's rv, and then acupuncture, topped off with a gym visit.


Went today - felt like crap at first. Thought that I was going to pass out - needed a sugar fix. Got some glucose tabs which perked me up enough to get some basic cardio. Once the adrenaline was pumping, I got down to businesses - some serious weights.

And I always get such a kick out of being tiny and wiry and strong as hell.

I don't look like I can leg press 200 lbs, or bicep curl almost 20 lbs, but I can and do. I snicker to myself as i see all the eyes of the dudes watching me - not understanding how a tiny redhead can lift so much at one time and not break a sweat.

And when I really want to push myself, I hit the upstairs where in the back is a small free weight area and mirrors. There I can make all the grunting and scrunchy faces I want and nobody will see me.

Yea - I might be vain - so sue me.
No pain, no gain, but vain is sometimes a sane game.


exhaustion.

Getting silly and loopy.

No time for brain aerobics...

lucky #5 - and things that grow out of shit part 2**

According to Elle UK -my #5 in the month of june sounds interesting...


You’re consumed with a burning passion this month. It’s time to take the fire of your heart seriously and move toward what you love with absolute abandonment. What are you waiting for? Haven’t you slaved away behind the scenes long enough? Taking any kind of bold action this month will revive you in an instant. Summer is about to peak, so there is no time to waste. Don’t miss the golden opportunities in your social arena. Put yourself out there; see and be seen and you’ll meet the right people. You’ve got to actively participate in life in order to bring your romantic or creative ideals to full fruition.

If anyone can create beautiful forms out of nothing, it’s you. **

Write a new script for your life by getting in touch with your most intense longings. Half-hearted measures must become a thing of the past. You’ve got much more love around you than you recognize. Get out there and seize the day.


You bet I will...

and some people say that # 7 is a lucky number...

canon muscle

canon muscle
Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty

the other night, I broke out my camera and took it for a spin.

It's been a long while since I decided to take some self p's - have not been inspired and too tired to do anything creative. Having a bag of wigs handy always seems to do the trick, as some much deserved and needed me alone time.

mucho mucho

I guess what prompted this shoot was the realization that I'm actually going to new york in two weeks - and my self portraits are going to be on display - up for a month to potentially hundreds and hundreds of people to see.

that blows my mind out to space and back.

So I thought I'd be true to myself again - return to my photographic roots and turn the camera on myself once again to see what I could come up with.

The rest of the shoot was not as successful as I hoped it would be, but it was a start - a re-start of sorts.

Have been going to the gym like a madwoman. if I miss a day, I feel clumsy and foggy. Despite the fact that I have been pushing myself past my normal threshold of pain, I don't want to skip any sessions.

Today, my legs were shaking and knees throbbing but I ran through the pain. I will be cursing tomorrow, but it's now become my mantra, the gym, my holy place where I cleanse the body as well as the mind...