Aurora Borealis

When you chance the way you look at things, the things you look at change..

Apathy and insomnia

Apathy


Ravages the house 

of the 
Mind like a 

mallet to a 
china doll 


Seamless exaggeration 

beyond 
any simple 

explanation 


From the zealot


Who omnisciently smiles mouth


Wide catching proverbial flies 


That circle the dead corpse 

of Dreamer and her aborted 


children of hope

Old poem..

Dug this out of the archives.

Interesting...

My curse of the "higher knowing"

"I know you"

I say - 

"better than you perhaps know yourself"

but that was using 

my inside voice.

I am the carbon atom 


between the pane of glass


that turns truth


into a mirror


into a truth 


into a knife


that slices


into


both


of


us

Salvation

Being this on Friday saved me. 

Once again, I found direction in my life. 

I was in control. 

And when life spun out of my hands before my eyes, I knew I had the strength, skill and courage to move on through.

Being this on Friday saved me.

I will never go back to being a spectator again...

the invite

My alter ego - Miss Kalliope, has made an appearance again.
Shitty little video - but it's filled with fun.

Posted it on her facebook page.
A friend commented: "You have to bring her to NYC!"

and just like that, the invite that i had been waiting from the universe came.

I didn't want to build my hopes up too high, i mean, it is NYC, but screw that! I walked in as a nobody back in 2005, made a ton of beautiful friends, wonderful life changing experiences and walked into art galleries I only would have dreamed of visiting and managed to snag myself some important solo and group shows.

Just like that.

Willpower and a dream.


So Miss Kalliope and i will go on the road again.
With that same willpower and a dream, but this time, with the Spartan Warrior spirit beneath our wings and swords!

Coincidences

Strange things happen to me all the time. That's one of the reasons I stated this blog. There is a time when coincidences happen too often to be coincidences - I like to call them "a hammer on the head from the universe". A shout out to let you know that you are either on the right or wrong path. But thankfully, it's been more "good job" pokes rather than "you've really messed up".

A few weeks ago, I came across a painting literally shoved in a web of tangled dead vines on the side of a building. It was from the movie Amelie (which in French is "Le fabulous destin de Amelie Poulin" - the fantastic destiny of Amelie Poulin.

I had never seen that film. Kinda brushed it off as a sucky euro romance. But I knew that the randomness of a painting, on a canvas, stuck on a wall, on the side of a building in downtown Montreal was too strange not to be "a sign of sorts".

But what?

I had no clue.

Well, I watched the film and fell in love with it. It's about a young woman who takes control of other's and eventually her own destiny. A lovely love story of faith and trust in the universe and oneself. Something I had been struggling to comprehend and apply to my life for some time.

I was struck by the incredible beauty of this finding. And thanked the universe for the message. I needed to take control of my life. My destiny. My future. Because I could.

Well, today I had a meeting with an author who is writing her first novel. A beautiful story of love, sacrifice and how sometimes, life can surprise you.

I had been hired to make the book trailer and was over to listen to a selection of music. The consensus was unanimous. - a delicate piano piece evocative of the melancholy mood of the piece.

Well, go figure.

The piece of music we chose was a piano piece from the movie Amelie.

Oh the beauty of random events that come together to form a big picture.

So yes to moving forward with this trailer - taking charge of my life, moving into the future without fear. And it's a sign to believe.

Tourist in my own city...

Funny thing about inspiration - it's like a new filter you see the old world through, and all of a sudden, things look different.

As I drove around town today, while dusk set across the sky, I felt like a tourist in my own city.

That was so brilliant.

I had to share...

Improv out of my eyes...

In one week (7 days), I've done 9 improv classes.  I must be nuts!! 5 of those days were 4.5 hours straight. And for 2 days, I did 2 separate classes. Tonight was the last one for the week. 

A friend said:" that improv shit is too intense for me". I agree. It is intense, but at the same time, depending on the people you surround yourself with, the experience can be totally sublime. And mine was.

I have learned more about myself, about others and life in 7 days than I have in 7 years. And perhaps being an intense person, rapid fire full on life lessons leave a lasting impression on me.

I know this week did.

And oddly enough, I feel totally at peace.

And it's actually one of the nicest places I've been in a whole.

Serenity now!

Captain Tampon and other great ideas...

Just wrapped up "from Stage to Page: using improv to write" with Kirsten Rasmussen and I have to say that my quest for "improv extreme stupidity/spontaneity which eventually leads to comedic enlightenment" is deepening in intensity.

The class was brilliant - the teacher was brilliant, the energy was brilliant.
I realized that my other biggest passions is creative writing, along with acting, cinematography, editing, cooking, traveling, but we'll stay with the "creative writing" for the purposes of this particular blog post...

There is nothing like being in a room with highly intelligent and creative people who don't give a rat's ass about making fools of themselves in public.

So fucken refreshing.

Excuse my French...

Totally inspired.

pauses and silences - in between the violent volcanoes of the soul...

Perhaps this will be a blog entry that will be constantly evolving.

Just like myself....


Unfortunately, i have reached by saturation point - at 4:39pm, as twilight creeps into my office window, feeling sleepy and slow. But will perhaps return to inject deeper insight that comes from a night of solid sleep and fruitful dreams.






In a world filled with constant superfluous and extraneous noise, our minds have adapted to the notion that silence is awkward, at best, uncomfortable.  This past week i have learned and directly experienced what it is like to fully live within the moment of a pause. To linger inside an instant of quietude. And explore that time of "no time" without hesitation, trepidation or anxiety.

On any given day, my mind can go from a relative level of subdued white noise mumblings to a cacophony of screams and whispers. I like to imagine that is the din of my neurons as they fire back and forth, transmitting information, images and chemicals from one branch to another. Sometimes they are calm, sometimes they are chaotic. Medication serves as the modulator in this network of brain soup.


but sometimes, because of extraneous circumstances - stress, hormonal imbalances, change of seasons, the network is shaken by shifts of the teutonic plates of consciousness. Chaos ensues. A form of neural sea sickness pervades my consciousness.

Since September, my body has become senstive and highly aware of the change in temperature. Instinctive hybernative state has taken over, slowing down my digestive functions, increasing my need for sleep, food and comfort. On an evolutionary level, this would make sense - bulk up and hunker down for winter. But living in a heated home, with adequate layers of clothing and unlimited access to vegetative and carnivorous caloric supplies, as a human, i can withstand almost any level of cold if i think and act strategically.

And since it is said that the mind follows the body, it (my mind) has been struggling to make sense of those changes.


Through the art of improvisation, i have come to realize that through a kinetic, spiritual, conscious connection with the body, the mind can free itself from the labyrinth of thought.  By becoming aware of the muscles that wrap around our bones, the flesh that wraps around those muscles, we are intricately integrated fully into each experience, each moment we decide to move through in time and space.


I experience a deep level of vulnerability when i am tired. Evolving in my being is a slow pervading micro-thin environmentally sensitive film of translucent confusion and discombobulation.  My logical self despises this primitive form of chaos.

The sound of this confusion and discombobulation is a kaleidoscope of murmuring doubts, chants of self-deprecation,  wanton whisperings about personal insecurities. Digging for reason, I inadvertently  become my very own canary in a coal mine.


And my "go to way" of buffering my 'insecurities" is to talk about them. Examine them, dissect them in  an internal and external manner, filling the space of sentences with my own words, reasoning, opinions.


my relative inaptitude for dealing with sudden changes often has me grasping at loose ends, gasping for air. In the dark, in a panic, fumbling desperately for a light switch. To buffer this void, i try to inhale as much information, reasoning and logic as possible, in the hopes that it will save me from the unknown.  The silence. The stillness that pervades the instant between a thought and action. And as a result, the ego flounders, and takes willing listeners as auditory hostages, spewing this deluge into the outside world.  A fallacy in a belief that if i express this "fear" to the outside world, it will somehow make sense to others, who will in turn, decipher it and make it make sense to me....


through action theater, i have become aware of this tendency, because, during this past week of intensive exercises, i have been introduced to the training in the fine art of "listening to the now. Listening to the body. Lingering in the pauses and silences"


During this week, i have had the luxury of exploring the mind body connection
and through shouting, screaming, grunting, (Using the voice), rolling around on the floor, slithering like  a snake, rolling from one point in the room to another, using my limbs as wheels, the connection i have made with my body has been solidly cemented - primitive meets practical.



in exploring the awareness of the body, each muscle, each inch of skin, individual hair follicle, i realize that i am a whole universe onto myself, with a complex galaxy of emotions, wants, needs, beliefs, hopes and dreams.  And fundamentally, the ego is an active black hole, necessary in the architecture of this universe, simultaneously keeping order and propagating chaos by the sheer nature of its existence.

Embracing the life unexpected as the life yet to experienced.

But the paramount understanding comes as a knowing through experience - that i am a source of my own strength, as well as vulnerabilities.  And symbiotically, these two will function in harmon with one another if i just let go and "be" as complete as i can be. Non-judgment, complete and utter self acceptance. Knowing that the "fairies*" will provide me with the intuitive knowledge and guidance to navigate through this moment in time called "life".

The collective unconscious is filled with the wisdom of our ancestors. It is plethoric in its dynamic energy and infinite generosity - the only obstacle to tapping into this is our own fears; fears of letting go to something that is exponentially larger than our conscious mind can comprehend.


There is something so lucid yet fluid about the practice of Action Theater. Experiencing it makes me feel as if my mind has been switched to autopilot, where a higher level of intelligence takes the reigns, stripping away the superfluous idle internal chatter, allowing a symphonic order to mysteriously form out of discordant chaos...

The practice centers on becoming cognizant of the awareness within yourself,  then gradually expanding that awareness of others in relation to the self.

And being able to "become aware" of others on a physical, and perhaps, on a more profound esoteric  energetic level lends a whole new layer of comprehension and appreciation of our fellow human beings. Realizing that you are not only the sum of your parts, but the sum of the universal parts, taking that understanding and exponentially stretching that to a cosmic level is nothing short of a complete cognizant existence.




*Ruth Zaporah refers to "fairies" as the opposite of the "engineers of the mind".  They come into our existence when we switch off the "engineer" and allow the life and experience to flow into our lives. Personally, "the Fairies" for me are an aspect of the infinite divine consciousness.

Last class today of Action Theater. What an incredible experience. Five days of self discovery and growth.

At the end of class, I gave everybody a hug, thanking them for sharing 5 days of their life, their vulnerability, their energy with me. 

So very thankful for precious moments like this.

And so, life begins again.

Moving into the future, one bold step at a time.

Day 4 of 5

Day 4 of 5

Action theater

The ability to run around endlessly, scream at the top of my lungs, roll around the floor, slithering like a snake,  following the primal rumble through my lungs, then sitting together, creating an ever evolving  simultaneous narrative is simply mind blowing and food for the soul.

Exhausted with weary bones and bruised skin, I bask in the radiating glow of complete surrender to each moment spent in this state of exploration and growth.

Day 4 of 5 - action theater

Exploring things we do every day through a particular state - this was the embodiment of electricity if I were writing in my journal. Interesting...

Today. As much as I want to hang on, I have to let go...

November 1, 2013
The Death and Rebirth of Self
Life Transitions

by Madisyn Taylor 

Sometimes a part of us must die before another part can come to life.

Sometimes a part of us must die before another part can come to life. Even though this is a natural and necessary part of our growth, it is often painful or, if we don’t realize what’s happening, confusing and disorienting. In fact, confusion and disorientation are often the messengers that tell us a shift is taking place within us. These shifts happen throughout the lives of all humans, as we move from infancy to childhood to adolescence and beyond. With each transition from one phase to another, we find ourselves saying good-bye to an old friend, the identity that we formed in order to move through that particular time. 

Sometimes we form these identities in relationships or jobs, and when we shift those areas of our life become unsettled. Usually, if we take the time to look into the changing surface of things, we will find that a shift is taking place within us. For example, we may go through one whole chapter of our lives creating a protective shell around ourselves because we need it in order to heal from some early trauma. One day, though, we may find ourselves feeling confined and restless, wanting to move outside the shelter we needed for so long; the new part of ourselves cannot be born within the confines of the shell our old self needed to survive. 

We may feel a strange mixture of exhilaration and sadness as we say good-bye to a part of ourselves that is dying and make way for a whole new identity to emerge in its place. We may find inspiration in working with the image of an animal who molts or sheds in order to make way for new skin, fur, or feathers to emerge. For example, keeping a duck feather, or some other symbol of transformation, can remind us that death and rebirth are simply nature’s way of evolving. We can surrender to this process, letting go of our past self with great love and gratitude, and welcoming the new with an open mind and heart, ready for our next phase of life. 

Truth

Sometimes the truth we refuse to look at, looks back at us...

Don't leave me dry...

http://youtu.be/BciOfJsqh7M

Day 2 of Action Theater

Exhaustion
but in a good way.
Too wiped to collect my thoughts, but i'm taking notes as we learn in class.

2mrw - going to a bbf's house to shoot her being a ghost in the home that held her when she got married, then divorced, and then married in again. It's up for sale and completely empty, Except for the memories which we will exercise as the sun goes down.

I told her to get a few boxes of kleenex.


Shift is taking place.
New people coming into my life, they are replacing the ones that are leaving.

like attracts like -
putting out the unconditional love and acceptance.
Seems to be working wonders.

Still rough - change of seasons brings on the layers of melancholy, but i'm pushing through.
This year is almost over.
New beginnings on the horizon.
I can see them.
I can smell them.

Like home made apple pie on a blustery winter day.

Home...

Something is broken. And I can't help but feel that it is beyond repair...

Raw

Raw from the inside

Cold on the outside

Cryogenic preservation of the

Persistence of my memory

Now lost in melancholy 

Without a door to escape

From this cold on the inside

Raw surrounding the outside.

Action theater day 1 of 5

Day 1

What I learned in improv today?

Always say yes. 

The eyes are so important to communication and understanding. The eyes will convey that information through intention.

It’s harder to gauge what your partner is experiencing, feeling when you can’t see their eyes.

The movement will tell you who you are.

The difference between attitude and feeling:
 Attitude is an idea placed on action. It’s a mental assignment.

Feelings are a direct manifestation of the sensory system. An expression of that particular sensory experience.

It’s important to honestly respond from moment, to moment, to moment to fully experience life.

The vast possibility of mind states of the body induces a “self aware being”.

States of mind are like mercury - we don’t exist in a flat, static plane.

Language:


Look at how we do what we do, what we say the way we say it. Volume, pitch, phrasing - deconstruct the way we “normally speak”. 

Examine the way we create and flow with a narrative.

Climb into the sound - that voice will determine the narrative.

The more you follow the sound, the more you become the ‘character’ of the sound

.

Step out of yourself when you speak to others.

Go into somebody’s mouth as much as you can. Get intimate with the possibilities. Pitch, sound, breath.

Engage your partner in a “live pause”.

How willing are we to inhabit our voice? 

The formation of sound creates us - the voice itself reconfigures the whole DNA system.

Abstraction of words/language that follow the voice:

There is tension between desire and cultural compulsion to articulate our words so that we can be understood. 

There is a disintegration of how we hold on to our prescribed way of behaving. In improv, its all about release, obliteration and freedom.

Its easy for us to fall back on what worked for us in the past - the fear of disintegration is what keeps us from exploring new possibilities.

star bright

My view of the sky this morning as reflected in a puddle...

I am sitting in the middle of a huge log cabin home - 20+ foot ceilings, the roar of a beautiful fire, rock crystal lamps delicately soften the warm air, friends sit quietly in loving silence nearby, and the sky clouded over, until a minute in time when i was able to go out and see it appear between a tufted pocket of ink jet clouds.

O came out to get me and A:
"if you come now, you'll see the Orion in the sky. It's incredible!"

And as i ran out to the wet slick balcony in bare feet, the cold jolted through my bones with rabid ferocity.

Then, I looked up and, as if by magic, the pain was gone...


"in constellation of Orion is a nebula called N42- a star nursery. See how it looks like it's pulsing? Right now,  new stars are being created."


That is what a nebula really is.
This very second.

Millions of light years of cosmic force hitting our eye.
Old stars dying, new stars being born. Now
And now.
and now...

How incredible is that?

And as i stood outside in the most profound silence of a deep woods night, I realized that every minute is a new beginning. We are constantly in a state of new beginnings.

And into this moment of creation that i shall move, knowing I'm begin guided by a interstellar muse from the distant heavens...

Constellation of Orion by Nasa

living in the duality that is the now

I AM AND AM NOT



I'm swimming
in the flood
which has yet to come

I'm shackled
in the prison
which has yet to be built

I am the checkmate
in a future game of chess

I'm drunk with your wine
which remains untasted

I'm slain on a battlefield
of long ago

I don't
know the difference
between idea and reality

Like a shadow
I am
and am not. 

~Rumi

Commit to your choices, how ever bizarre and strange they may be and your mind will support those choices as you move into your character...

What did l learn in Improv class today?
Mind blowing shit.
Seriously - i have to get enough improv experience to teach this stuff to the world.
It has changed my life and i know it can change other people's as well!


So tonight, i am high on the experience of being absolutely and totally free for two hours of bliss.
I spent 20 minutes rambling into my iphone only to realize that the flipping thing did not record a bit or byte of my soulful musings about this form of acting. And at this point, i'm way too exhausted to even articulate properly what happened to me in those 120 minutes of heaven, but i will leave you with this.


Commit to your choices, however bizarre and strange they may be,  and your mind will support those choices as you move into your character.


What does that mean in real life applications?

Whatever you dream, do it.
And it will happen.

I am a firm believer in this right now. And as i move into this bold new exciting stage in my life, i have faith that the universe will provide exactly what i need at any given time. I have survived cancer scares, car accidents, suicides, divorces, breakups, moves, job losses - and in each of those times, i survived. I never ended up on the street, without food, without money, without love. Knock on wood, but i think that i will survive again. And dear reader, please know, you will too :-)


If i have a last bit of energy, i will record my rant in the morning. It was quite uplifting actually :-)

God closes a door, but always opens a window. Go thru that window...

“For years, copying other people, I tried to know myself.

From within, I couldn't decide what to do.

Unable to see, I heard my name being called.

Then I walked outside.” 

― Rumi, Open Secret: 

Versions of Rumi

Drummondtown!

Who would have thought that a place that I said in passing a few weeks ago and a friend suggested would be the hub of some important activity that has and might actually change even more the course of my life?!

Going to Drummondtown (actually drummondville) to do some behind the scenes shooting. I've been given carte Blanche to shoot "the making of". Very exciting.

But of all places we had to pick, was Drummonville. Like seriously?

There are no things as coincidences - so I have been told. And I'm beginning up believe it!

full moon eclipse fever - hold onto your hats, and sanity...

Full moon - and a lunar eclipse.

Double whammy.

Yikes...

I don't know about you dear reader, but i am highly sensitive to the moon's gravitational pull. Not to mention that i'm rounding PMS chaosville. This could spell trouble in the mental wellness department.

Right now as the world continues its roller-coaster ride of change, you may be feeling dizzy or unsettled by the uncertainty that naturally accompanies times of great shifting.

I'm trying to stay grounded. As much as i can, aside from sticking my head beneath the floorboards of my house. And its not easy with all that is going on around me - writing gigs on the horizon, films, acting opportunities, improv shows. Very exciting stuff and it's easy to get carried away with the potential of the potential fabulousness factor, but i really think that all these "trials" are happening to test my patience, willpower and sanity.

It seems that change is in the air - I'm not the only one sensing "the shift": a fundamental alteration of energy and attitude. Once again, some people are more sensitive than others to this "shift" and some people might consider change in general as a natural side effect of our ongoing personal evolution.  But there are some people who will resist this movement tooth and nail. Screaming all the way. 

Even though as a divine changemaker you are naturally wired to want change, you may reject it as it arrives on your doorstep. Your rejection may be conscious, like when you see a shift coming and then feel unprepared to handle it, so delay taking action. Other times, you may unconsciously reject change, your fear of the unknown so buried within that you simply aren’t aware of it.

This dynamic of simultaneously wanting and rejecting something is not new. It’s part of your conditioning to sabotage yourself with this dualistic approach. What’s different now is that your conditioning has become such a big handicap that you are unable to successfully navigate these rocky times. This means that you have unneeded stresses, delays, and missed opportunities.

Why This Dilemma Matters More Now

You were handicapped in earlier times, too, but your dilemma is more problematical now – it simply matters more as you strive for balance and seek to express your soul’s purpose. Deep within you, there’s likely a feeling of increased urgency now, in part because you have more awareness of being stuck. In fact, a trapped feeling on some days could be so overwhelming that you feel frozen to act on what you know.

The planetary cycles of these times accentuate the pace of revolutionary shifting – for the world and for you personally. Unfinished business not yet looked at will be coming into view. Unworkable ways of being and outmoded systems will continually come up for review. The unfinished and the unworkable will not disappear until addressed.

Feeling stuck is toxic.

it's a slow existential cancer that proliferates deep into the tissue of our being. And like a cancer, it is a challenge to overcome, if one chooses to overcome. Or one can choose to succumb to the disease. 

Not everybody is prepared for the journey - actually, we never really are.  Thinking about any given worst-case scenario used to be an evolutionary caveat that was necessary to our survival. But we have access to technology, to knowledge, to science. We no longer rely on the will of the Gods to cast our fate. We learned how to make our own.

But somewhere in the learning, we became lazy, and complacent. 

Content and passive. 

You know this is happening and you understand that you are alive now to help facilitate the changes. You cannot forget what you know. Your dilemma is your conditioned resistance to change and your impatience with yourself as you make your own needed changes.

Over the next several weeks, you will benefit from putting extra energy into staying centered and nonreactive. You will want to take a closer look at how you live your life. This includes an honest assessment of the health of your key relationships. Since planetary cycles will catalyze unaddressed issues, a proactive approach will help you to smooth the ride.

One of my biggest issues is that I am totally "reactive". Being an intuitive, it's hard for me not to "feel first" and ask questions later. But alas, this is my lesson. 

Patience. 

I can't force a bloom, i can't hurry a death. 

It will all happen in it's own time. 

Which usually, is not my time. 

It's the universe's time.

Lunar Eclipse – Planetary Catalyst of Change

Planetary catalysts of change include the October 18 lunar eclipse. You may have intense feelings around the time of such an eclipse, wanting to do something brand new or perhaps wanting to undo something you started earlier. Go gently with yourself and others, as both feelings and situations may be magnified.

There is a full moon the day of the eclipse, too, so this may amplify things even more. Step back long enough for your spiritually grounded wisdom to reveal most appropriate actions.

Adding to the current intensity is the mercury retrograde of October 21 to November 10. This one may be more erratic than the previous two this year, in part because of the accelerated pace of global revolution. The more sensitive you are, the more you may feel the erratic energy of this retrograde. 

As with all retrogrades, be mindful of communications and life’s details so that you can make adjustments in present time if things don’t go as planned.

To be more proactive in this cycle, do a self-reflection inventory of your life. Pick three areas of concern or stress. Examples could be (1) your work or workplace, (2) your home life, and (3) a key relationship.

Wisdom from our ancestors, wisdom borne of personal experience, wisdom from something larger than we can comprehend - it's all available for us to access. If we stay still long enough, and we listen without bias and preconceptions, we will hear. And know, on a deeper level than words. 

And in that level, we must believe and trust.

Invite your inner wisdom to show you what’s out of balance, your role in the imbalance, and what needs to change. Be honest with yourself. This inventory is for you and your spiritual growth. Your empowerment and freedom come as you face situations honestly and directly, are open to solutions, and then fearlessly take needed actions.

Decide now that you will claim your power in each problematic situation of your life. Don’t wait for someone else to act, or for the dilemma to disappear on its own. Remember that inaction -   when you know you need to act – is still a choice.

I used to be filled with fear of  the future, my past, but now I'm trying to embrace the unknown. It's not an easy task, because i am a creature of habit and comfort, but in the habit and comfort, something inside of me was slowly dying. 

I believe that i was given a gift - through my writing, my photographic and cinematic visions, through my ability to connect with people, to share my special kind of love and connection with the world.

But this means a sacrifice,  and sometimes the sacrifice for a greater good is greater than the self. 

For those who can, and all those who won't or can't - I'm making a choice in blind faith and courage.  And hopefully, you will feel my love when the change does come...

Flying, not crashing...

For the first time in a very long time (talking years) I had a dream about a plane and there was no crash.

I was siting with a friend, and she was doing my makeup for some big event that I was flying out to. We sat up in the seats, nonchalantly talking while the plane began to taxi on the runway.

But it want an ordinary plane - it was like the transparent Wonder Woman plane - but only for the top: ceiling and sides, which were all seemingly non-existent.

I felt the plane start to lift, higher, climbing  to a greater altitude. The gravity push was powerful, and despite my fear of crashing because we were not in a pressure sensitive cabin or had any kind of protection, I lay my head to rest, close my eyes and surrendered to the ride.

No crash

No deaths.

No fear

What a wonderful change of endings!!

love my life

I think i finally love my life.

Spent Monday into Tuesday with a truly incredible group of people. Brilliant, gifted, spiritual, funny and just overall beautiful.

Being a part of a creative team feeds my soul on such a deep level. It re-ignited my passion for my crafts (cinema, writing, photography, acting) and according to everybody who met me and had the chance to spend time with me on those fateful two days said the same thing - I was glowing. Inside and out.

It looks like the chance meeting I had with a new BFF was exactly as it was meant to happen and be. We connected and spoke at length enthusiastically about moving forward in several projects, and trips together. What a wonderful way to start a week! Full of dreams and opportunities!

I was also welcomed into that family - of gifted filmmakers, actors, stuntmen, healers, with open arms and hearts. And it was confirmed that from that day on, i would hereby become an integral part of their creative and personal growth process. Music to my eardrum fatigued ears!


The house that these events took place in was apparently built on a sacred native indian healing site. Peace and serenity permeated every ring of log that was stacked upon another to build this incredible cabin four people called 'home'.

The day after the shoot, nature called me deep into the woods where i took in the sounds and smells of fall.  It was not a time of death, but a time of renewal and preparation. The big sleep before the spring awakening.

There was a leaf hanging by a spider's thread. Mesmerized by the beauty and miracle that these two elements happened to coincide and exist prompted me to take out my phone and film the delicate dance in the wind. It was a literal version of turning over a new leaf. Time seemed to slow and stop. A nice change of pace from the chaos that had nipped at my heels in the days prior to my successful show.

I returned inside to have a healing session reiki that quite simply, transformed me. Rejuvenated me and opened me up to being present in each moment - allowing the future to flow through me without resistance.

On the way back home, my BFF and i chatted about everything under the sun and moon. It was so wonderful to connect with somebody who is so much like myself, but a younger version. D is simply a human dynamo filled with light, love and courage. She made me promise something to her:

"K, there will be many opportunities coming to you in the next little while. I can feel it. Please promise that you will say yes to as many things as you possibly can. Leave your fears behind. Embrace the change. The universe will take care of the rest!"

And i did - a promise not only to her, but to myself - to boldly explore, without resistance, opportunity. Just like the leaf hanging precariously from a spider's invisible thread, it too was supported and carried on the wind of change without resistance.

Complete surrender.

alter ego boost

Today was a long one - trying to pass hours transitioning from a fitful sleep filled with regrets and disappointment was awkward and at best, miserably unsuccessful. I had already booked a supper with a family friend who was supposed to help me get deeper Hellenic insight into my alter stage ego: "Miss Kalliope". Was i ready for evening dinner banter? I had to be.

But it was the best thing that has happened in a long time.

My friend E was brilliant! We laughed so hard looking through my pictures of Greece, she playfully chastising me for "Making hotel reservations ahead of time".

"you're in Greece! It's low season! You will find a hotel anywhere! Why lock yourself down? See?! The universe disrupted your plans on day 1! You had no need to worry!"

"Well, if i had a choice..." and then laughter. Because we knew i didn't really...

Creative minds seem to meet in a proverbial middle ground of the collective unconscious. A spectacular theme park of ideas, colors, sounds and joy. We hopped on for a joy ride and got off 3 hours later. Our stomach muscles hurting from the continuous laughter. Our cheeks sore from wide open mouthed chortles.

I think i now have enough for a one woman show. 

Even for a 2nd show.

And it's all good.

After i turned to the "book" and chatted with some friends. Just to say hi. 

A dear friend from the coast was on at the same time i was. So wonderful to reconnect after so long. And it never seems that long to begin with. Time is not linear with us - which lends itself to wonderful spontaneous moments of "picking up where we last left off" or "starting in the middle of nowhere" conversations.

She told me that i was deeply loved, by her and many other people. That i was special and because of who i am,  do everything with love.  You see, no matter how much anger i may have toward someone or something, i cannot hate. Even when my mom got cancer, I didn't hate the cancer. I thanked it for the  lessons that it taught me and way it brought my mother and i together, on such a deep and meaningful level. I don't  even hate my greatest enemies. Why? I don't know. I guess i outgrew that darkness when i began to embrace the light within myself and fellow human beings...

AHH, A RANT! my blog isn't one without at least one juicy vapid paragraphs of navel gazing!!

but back to the chat...

Words of kindness heal. I preach that, practice it, but it always makes me so humble when somebody directs that to me. I was humbled. Over and over again tonight.

And tonight, i feel truly blessed. And loved.

On Monday, I saw a double rainbow - was able to pinpoint the beginning and the end. First time ever. 

Spectacular as single, incredible as two

and as i looked up to and across the sky,, i said to myself: "this is it. No dress rehearsal - it's real. Happening now. With me. And i have no choice but to be ready - step out on stage and let my light shine ever so brightly."

I extend my hand to you dear reader. 

Would you like to come along for the ride of a lifetime?

every waking hour.

now

old poem

ha...

old poem.

I can be so dramatic in my drama sometimes....

A man once said -

its all about biology

but when does biology

replace psychology or are they

uniquely intertwined,

like a genetic strand of DNA

dependent upon the other

nothing without one another

powering down we must cool our jets

not quite sitting ducks but closer to

Joan of Arcs - burning at the stake

for going against the grain

dismissing biology

and debunking psychology

because we can.

incessant ramblings from the archives

This one is cute and sweet in a wholesome "fresh from the bakery" naive endearing way.

had to repost...

http://hellophotokitty.blogspot.com/2005/10/mans-search-for-meaning-in-stretchy.html

it's been a while...

well, hello old blogger friend. It's been a while...

life sometimes has an uncanny way of derailing the best laid plans and force everything to a screeching halt or stepping on the gas pedal all the way to the floor.

I like to drive - take the scenic route.
In time, by my own time.

but the universe doesn't always work that way, and that's fine too.


So as it seems, acting has become part of my life again - so very fitting as it is something that i have always dreamt of doing since i was a kid. Writing is weaving its way into my daily landscape as well.

And so very fitting that i turn my inner chatter back to the first place i found solace and peace.

My blog...


Writing clears my head of the daily accumulation of the angst ridden dust bunnies, compulsive brain mites, fearful debris, and the rogue broken nail of regret.

Moving forward is a necessary necessity on this magic carpet in the next phase of my personal evolution. Hang on because we're taking the road less travelled and making more memories along the way :-)

True Crimes

Very cool...
I have been asked to submit my photo as a cover for a poetry anthology: The Lineup Poems on Crime. Seems that people are finding my stuff on the net and that always surprises me because the amount of information, including photos, that get uploaded and end up floating cyberspace every second is mind boggling.

This image is one of my contenders for the magazine cover.
Self portrait, of course.
One of my many homages to one of the greatest and most influential self portrait photography artists of all time - Cindy Sherman.

As with most of my best self portraits - this one was an accident - shooting blind is sometimes the most creative ways to shoot.

 (photo to come...)

Fat man, shitty place

Ext. Day
busy street.
4 lanes of two way traffic
mid afternoon

mom and daughter have taken the day to search for apartments

6.5, unheated, close to metro, bright and ideal for students. $950 unheated

Daughter rings the buzzer.
Sounds of running towards the door.
Door opens. A small mulato girl, 6 years old, opens the door. Wided eyed, hair in pig tails, liquid stains down the front of her shirt.

Daughter:
ah, can I speak to your daddy or mummy? I'm here to see the apartment...

Girl:
okay. One minute.

she slams the door. Feet stomping quickly down the hall. The echoes of "pappa! Pappa!" can be heard through the glass.

Door opens. Middle aged man. His girth fills the width of the frame. Glasses, broken hinges, held together with electrican's tape. Hair, grey and matted on one side. Sloping towards the ceiling. Navy blue tshirt. Punctuated with liquid stains down the front. A map of lunch, breakfast or perhaps, last night's supper.

Man:
are you here to see the apartment?

Daughter pauses. Mother lets out a slow aprehensive nasal sigh.

Daughter:
the 6 1/2? Yes.

The women follow the man up the stairs. Each holding onto the handrail with both hands. The steps quiver with each plodding step he takes.
Mother looks back to daughter - without a word, her face says: "this can't be good.."

Man:
When are you looking to rent?

Daughter:
(hestiating) Oh, not until June. Maybe earlier, but no earlier than Mid April.

Man:
That's soon. I already have a few people interested, so if you like the place, let me know as soon as possible...

Man knocks on door. Announces himself. "Landlord"
Door opens - a young man, 19, thin, clean shaven, studious looking, acedemic casual...
"got somebody to see the apartment".

Student:
Sure, come right in.

Mother and daughter pause in the doorway, on either side, a long narrow hallway. One end, the kitchen, the other, a living room with a couch and 40 inch flat screen tv.
Landlord:
Look around. If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

Daughter slowly enters the living room. oddly asymetrical. Rectangular. Main window facing the busy main street. Crown molding wraps around the walls, and on each a row of empty beer bottles. Hundreds. Various sizes, colors, languages. Lager, ale, stout. Canadian, Belgian, German, American. Teenage tropies of surviving insulubrious evenings, binge drinking and marathon puking.
THe young man stands behind the mother. Beaming proudly, his boastful collection...

On the ceiling, the crown molding draws attention to itself. Stained brown and black from eroded water damage and the smoke from sparks, bare wires hang like dead squid tentacles from the gaping hole where a light should have been. Her eyes follow the vein of rot across to the other end of the room.

Sitting with it for a while...

I just had a fantastic session with my CBT therapist.

She came over to my house to sit with me during my re-examination of this Not Yet Home project; a project i have been avoiding for what seems like an eternity. We sat at my desk, at the computer, staring into the 1000 + photo abyss of images I had collected during the difficult apartment hunt last year, gauging my feelings, putting a percentage on these feelings of anxiety, fear, hope.

So many emotions inside - put it all in a blender on liquify = me right now. 

i’m trying to shift perspective and re-frame, realizing that this is not as horrible as it seems, reminding myself that in the end, everything did eventually work out. Even better than I thought it would and could.

And this too, shall work out in its own way. This project will unfold, take its purposeful path and come to an end. I will look back in retrospect, find confidence in my ability to push through the uncomfortable, the uncertain, turn a negative into a positive. Begin a journey, take the unknown road, then feel satisfied that not only have I reached my final destination unscathed, but am now filled with self awareness and renewed courage.

Nobody will die. 

No blood will be shed.

The world will not end.

And just like this apartment I now sit in, I will find myself a year from now, in a happier place, more comfortable in my surroundings, and able to look back on a situation that caused me an undo amount of stress, and know that i came through - completely.

Sometimes sitting with uncomfortable feelings is as important as sitting with the comfortable ones - detaching, observing, analyzing, realizing and letting go.

Just like the waves on the beach, follow the ebb and flow.

Breathing: catch and release.

A very necessary thing to do.

There's no place like home...

Indeed, we have found it. The holy grail of the center of our new universe: our casa, the sublime chez-nous. Home.
Now with feet firmly planted, we can move forward into this new life, knowing that we can always come back to rest in our safe corner of the world...

Bucket List

So it’s been a year last week since we got our notice to move out of our apartment.

I remember that day so well.

I don’t want to, but it’s hard to forget.

The only thing that really mattered to me was that my mother would be cancer free, my husband’s company would not go bankrupt on his watch and that we would find a nice place to live.

That was it. My bucket list.

Nothing else really mattered. 

I didn't want anything else. 

For me, the ability to lay my head in a place called home, without shitty screaming neighbhours, slumlords trying to pull a fast one, or a property whose tortured ghosts wailed through the night.

All I wanted to was to be calm. In my apartment. Find my center, rebuild my crumbling self esteem, battle weary body and fragmented soul.

And  now that I am in my new home, i can work on the real bucket list:

- A trip to Greece, swimming around the islands, scuba diving in the ocean, with the sharks, dophins

- Have a solo photography show that travels throughout Europe (and i of course, would travel with it)

- write my memoirs

- see a volcano up close

- make movies that make me respected, not necessarily famous (although that would be nice...)

- Cross (2 countries) country road trip by myself

I’m beginning to find and harvest those dreams again. This is only the tear stained, water damaged pages that survived the move. 

But I’m working on it.

Putting on a new coat of color and opening up the windows of life…

Nature’s Helicopters

I saw this foating from the sky, walking amidst a park with trees stripped naked by November winds. I held out my hand, and as if by magic, it landed in the center of my palm.
I will keep it until the spring, and then plant it. This new beginnings will begin with me…

Oceans Between Us

oceans between us

nautical miles separate the folds of reason

from the port of insanity

so desperately we hold on

until the storm passes

when will this

storm

pass 

us?

Portraits

I love taking photos. 

Despite my discouragment with the whole "scene", I still find some fleeting moments to be simply priceless

What sets professionals apart from amateurs is that the professionals can anticipate and capture a delicate fleeting pause, the small upturn of a smile in an otherwise stone face. It's the deliberate searching, waiting, then acting upon those magical moments when they happen which is a true skill, and a gift.

I think I still have that ability, and that keeps my faith that someday, something wonderful will happen and i will become unstuck and make a living at doing what i love...

Delicate Chaos

Today I was in the Zone - as director and cinematographer for a tv pilot.
Lots of things going on at once - multi-tasking on steroids, but I loved every minute of it.
It’s been years since my last gig doing both, but it was as if it had just been yesterday. I never realized how much I missed this delicate chaos, but quickly and delightfully embraced the intuitive knowing that said: “this is my element. I am most happy in this energy”.
This summer was all about new beginnings, but this fall is about moving into the directions of those new beginnings. I am finally embracing the uncertainty with anticipation, not aversion.

Life lessons for creatives

How to Steal Like an Aritst by Austin Kleon

So as I stumble through what has proven to be a rather emotionally and physically labour intensive time in my life, i ran across this today, and it made me realize that some of the most important lessons are the simplest...

i am woman, hear me roar...

this year has been a difficult one

kicked out of my apartment, wrestling with personal physical and spiritual demons...

for a long time, i feared that I had lost my way, strength, purpose, but that has all changed since we moved into our new home.

and indeed, it is a home that is surrounded by green everywhere. I wake up to the birds chirping, i fall asleep to the sound of only the wind in the trees.
Finally, i can hear myself think, talk down those demons in my head who mock and threaten me; calm the restless agitated soul and terrified wandering subconscious.

I have physically moved into a new space, and i feel myself moving into a new emotional/psychological space as well.

it's as if somebody has pressed the "reset" button and I am having a chance to revisit, relive and reform my so called life.


I had realized that trying to re-invent my own wheel while trying to stay in a home/situation/relationships that were toxic to me was only going to lead to failure and eventual disapointment.

The universe gave me the kick in the ass and keys to the new home i needed to find myself again.



As i sit here in my new office, surrounded by my ridiculously huge art photography book collection, staring into my shelves of cinema studies and then glance over to my acting/drama section, i have finally realized that I have all the strength inside of me to become the apothecary of my own artistic success.

A little dash of cinema, a pinch of acting, and a smidgen of photography to create a whole new direction in my life.


With each passing disruption, disappointment, discordance, i stand defiant and say: "Go ahead, try to bully me. I'm not afraid of you anymore..."

I am woman, hear me roar...

black form paintings

Silence is so accurate
Mark Rothko

Isolation

Be clear every day, every evening
It calls here aloud from above
Carefully watched for a reason
Mistaking devotion and love
Surrendered to self-preservation
From others who care for themselves
But life as it touches perfection
Appears just like anything else
Isolation

~Joy Division

Faith beyond a reasonable doubt

Faith beyond a reasonable doubt No matter how difficult the journey, how excruciating the cancer treatment was, no matter how many doctors said she would not be strong enough to survive, or no matter how infinitesimally small her odds of survival were, she kept on.
Her faith carried her through, and today, once again we made our pilgrimage/visit to St.Joseph's oratory, and to the tomb of the newly canonized St. Brother Andre. It is said that he preformed many miracles when he was alive, but we firmly believe that he preformed one from beyond.
Almost 2 years and mom is cancer free. Amen to that.

Melancholy for a place that's not home

I loved this color.
Loved the painterly technique I used to achieve the underwater effect on the bedroom walls.
Now that I don't live there anymore, I kind of miss it. My melancholia is replete with an avoidance of the now. Living life out of a box, and trying to coax a masterpiece out of a blank canvas is not only frustrating, it's unrealistic. But that has not deterred me from banging my head against a wall, trying to turn this space into a livable comfortable one.
I'm so tired. Too tired to sleep, unfortunately my compulsion to wax poetic about the past is the only autopilot trajectory I know right now...