Aurora Borealis

When you chance the way you look at things, the things you look at change..

Apathy and insomnia

Apathy


Ravages the house 

of the 
Mind like a 

mallet to a 
china doll 


Seamless exaggeration 

beyond 
any simple 

explanation 


From the zealot


Who omnisciently smiles mouth


Wide catching proverbial flies 


That circle the dead corpse 

of Dreamer and her aborted 


children of hope

Old poem..

Dug this out of the archives.

Interesting...

My curse of the "higher knowing"

"I know you"

I say - 

"better than you perhaps know yourself"

but that was using 

my inside voice.

I am the carbon atom 


between the pane of glass


that turns truth


into a mirror


into a truth 


into a knife


that slices


into


both


of


us

Salvation

Being this on Friday saved me. 

Once again, I found direction in my life. 

I was in control. 

And when life spun out of my hands before my eyes, I knew I had the strength, skill and courage to move on through.

Being this on Friday saved me.

I will never go back to being a spectator again...

the invite

My alter ego - Miss Kalliope, has made an appearance again.
Shitty little video - but it's filled with fun.

Posted it on her facebook page.
A friend commented: "You have to bring her to NYC!"

and just like that, the invite that i had been waiting from the universe came.

I didn't want to build my hopes up too high, i mean, it is NYC, but screw that! I walked in as a nobody back in 2005, made a ton of beautiful friends, wonderful life changing experiences and walked into art galleries I only would have dreamed of visiting and managed to snag myself some important solo and group shows.

Just like that.

Willpower and a dream.


So Miss Kalliope and i will go on the road again.
With that same willpower and a dream, but this time, with the Spartan Warrior spirit beneath our wings and swords!

Coincidences

Strange things happen to me all the time. That's one of the reasons I stated this blog. There is a time when coincidences happen too often to be coincidences - I like to call them "a hammer on the head from the universe". A shout out to let you know that you are either on the right or wrong path. But thankfully, it's been more "good job" pokes rather than "you've really messed up".

A few weeks ago, I came across a painting literally shoved in a web of tangled dead vines on the side of a building. It was from the movie Amelie (which in French is "Le fabulous destin de Amelie Poulin" - the fantastic destiny of Amelie Poulin.

I had never seen that film. Kinda brushed it off as a sucky euro romance. But I knew that the randomness of a painting, on a canvas, stuck on a wall, on the side of a building in downtown Montreal was too strange not to be "a sign of sorts".

But what?

I had no clue.

Well, I watched the film and fell in love with it. It's about a young woman who takes control of other's and eventually her own destiny. A lovely love story of faith and trust in the universe and oneself. Something I had been struggling to comprehend and apply to my life for some time.

I was struck by the incredible beauty of this finding. And thanked the universe for the message. I needed to take control of my life. My destiny. My future. Because I could.

Well, today I had a meeting with an author who is writing her first novel. A beautiful story of love, sacrifice and how sometimes, life can surprise you.

I had been hired to make the book trailer and was over to listen to a selection of music. The consensus was unanimous. - a delicate piano piece evocative of the melancholy mood of the piece.

Well, go figure.

The piece of music we chose was a piano piece from the movie Amelie.

Oh the beauty of random events that come together to form a big picture.

So yes to moving forward with this trailer - taking charge of my life, moving into the future without fear. And it's a sign to believe.

Tourist in my own city...

Funny thing about inspiration - it's like a new filter you see the old world through, and all of a sudden, things look different.

As I drove around town today, while dusk set across the sky, I felt like a tourist in my own city.

That was so brilliant.

I had to share...

Improv out of my eyes...

In one week (7 days), I've done 9 improv classes.  I must be nuts!! 5 of those days were 4.5 hours straight. And for 2 days, I did 2 separate classes. Tonight was the last one for the week. 

A friend said:" that improv shit is too intense for me". I agree. It is intense, but at the same time, depending on the people you surround yourself with, the experience can be totally sublime. And mine was.

I have learned more about myself, about others and life in 7 days than I have in 7 years. And perhaps being an intense person, rapid fire full on life lessons leave a lasting impression on me.

I know this week did.

And oddly enough, I feel totally at peace.

And it's actually one of the nicest places I've been in a whole.

Serenity now!

Captain Tampon and other great ideas...

Just wrapped up "from Stage to Page: using improv to write" with Kirsten Rasmussen and I have to say that my quest for "improv extreme stupidity/spontaneity which eventually leads to comedic enlightenment" is deepening in intensity.

The class was brilliant - the teacher was brilliant, the energy was brilliant.
I realized that my other biggest passions is creative writing, along with acting, cinematography, editing, cooking, traveling, but we'll stay with the "creative writing" for the purposes of this particular blog post...

There is nothing like being in a room with highly intelligent and creative people who don't give a rat's ass about making fools of themselves in public.

So fucken refreshing.

Excuse my French...

Totally inspired.

pauses and silences - in between the violent volcanoes of the soul...

Perhaps this will be a blog entry that will be constantly evolving.

Just like myself....


Unfortunately, i have reached by saturation point - at 4:39pm, as twilight creeps into my office window, feeling sleepy and slow. But will perhaps return to inject deeper insight that comes from a night of solid sleep and fruitful dreams.






In a world filled with constant superfluous and extraneous noise, our minds have adapted to the notion that silence is awkward, at best, uncomfortable.  This past week i have learned and directly experienced what it is like to fully live within the moment of a pause. To linger inside an instant of quietude. And explore that time of "no time" without hesitation, trepidation or anxiety.

On any given day, my mind can go from a relative level of subdued white noise mumblings to a cacophony of screams and whispers. I like to imagine that is the din of my neurons as they fire back and forth, transmitting information, images and chemicals from one branch to another. Sometimes they are calm, sometimes they are chaotic. Medication serves as the modulator in this network of brain soup.


but sometimes, because of extraneous circumstances - stress, hormonal imbalances, change of seasons, the network is shaken by shifts of the teutonic plates of consciousness. Chaos ensues. A form of neural sea sickness pervades my consciousness.

Since September, my body has become senstive and highly aware of the change in temperature. Instinctive hybernative state has taken over, slowing down my digestive functions, increasing my need for sleep, food and comfort. On an evolutionary level, this would make sense - bulk up and hunker down for winter. But living in a heated home, with adequate layers of clothing and unlimited access to vegetative and carnivorous caloric supplies, as a human, i can withstand almost any level of cold if i think and act strategically.

And since it is said that the mind follows the body, it (my mind) has been struggling to make sense of those changes.


Through the art of improvisation, i have come to realize that through a kinetic, spiritual, conscious connection with the body, the mind can free itself from the labyrinth of thought.  By becoming aware of the muscles that wrap around our bones, the flesh that wraps around those muscles, we are intricately integrated fully into each experience, each moment we decide to move through in time and space.


I experience a deep level of vulnerability when i am tired. Evolving in my being is a slow pervading micro-thin environmentally sensitive film of translucent confusion and discombobulation.  My logical self despises this primitive form of chaos.

The sound of this confusion and discombobulation is a kaleidoscope of murmuring doubts, chants of self-deprecation,  wanton whisperings about personal insecurities. Digging for reason, I inadvertently  become my very own canary in a coal mine.


And my "go to way" of buffering my 'insecurities" is to talk about them. Examine them, dissect them in  an internal and external manner, filling the space of sentences with my own words, reasoning, opinions.


my relative inaptitude for dealing with sudden changes often has me grasping at loose ends, gasping for air. In the dark, in a panic, fumbling desperately for a light switch. To buffer this void, i try to inhale as much information, reasoning and logic as possible, in the hopes that it will save me from the unknown.  The silence. The stillness that pervades the instant between a thought and action. And as a result, the ego flounders, and takes willing listeners as auditory hostages, spewing this deluge into the outside world.  A fallacy in a belief that if i express this "fear" to the outside world, it will somehow make sense to others, who will in turn, decipher it and make it make sense to me....


through action theater, i have become aware of this tendency, because, during this past week of intensive exercises, i have been introduced to the training in the fine art of "listening to the now. Listening to the body. Lingering in the pauses and silences"


During this week, i have had the luxury of exploring the mind body connection
and through shouting, screaming, grunting, (Using the voice), rolling around on the floor, slithering like  a snake, rolling from one point in the room to another, using my limbs as wheels, the connection i have made with my body has been solidly cemented - primitive meets practical.



in exploring the awareness of the body, each muscle, each inch of skin, individual hair follicle, i realize that i am a whole universe onto myself, with a complex galaxy of emotions, wants, needs, beliefs, hopes and dreams.  And fundamentally, the ego is an active black hole, necessary in the architecture of this universe, simultaneously keeping order and propagating chaos by the sheer nature of its existence.

Embracing the life unexpected as the life yet to experienced.

But the paramount understanding comes as a knowing through experience - that i am a source of my own strength, as well as vulnerabilities.  And symbiotically, these two will function in harmon with one another if i just let go and "be" as complete as i can be. Non-judgment, complete and utter self acceptance. Knowing that the "fairies*" will provide me with the intuitive knowledge and guidance to navigate through this moment in time called "life".

The collective unconscious is filled with the wisdom of our ancestors. It is plethoric in its dynamic energy and infinite generosity - the only obstacle to tapping into this is our own fears; fears of letting go to something that is exponentially larger than our conscious mind can comprehend.


There is something so lucid yet fluid about the practice of Action Theater. Experiencing it makes me feel as if my mind has been switched to autopilot, where a higher level of intelligence takes the reigns, stripping away the superfluous idle internal chatter, allowing a symphonic order to mysteriously form out of discordant chaos...

The practice centers on becoming cognizant of the awareness within yourself,  then gradually expanding that awareness of others in relation to the self.

And being able to "become aware" of others on a physical, and perhaps, on a more profound esoteric  energetic level lends a whole new layer of comprehension and appreciation of our fellow human beings. Realizing that you are not only the sum of your parts, but the sum of the universal parts, taking that understanding and exponentially stretching that to a cosmic level is nothing short of a complete cognizant existence.




*Ruth Zaporah refers to "fairies" as the opposite of the "engineers of the mind".  They come into our existence when we switch off the "engineer" and allow the life and experience to flow into our lives. Personally, "the Fairies" for me are an aspect of the infinite divine consciousness.

Last class today of Action Theater. What an incredible experience. Five days of self discovery and growth.

At the end of class, I gave everybody a hug, thanking them for sharing 5 days of their life, their vulnerability, their energy with me. 

So very thankful for precious moments like this.

And so, life begins again.

Moving into the future, one bold step at a time.

Day 4 of 5

Day 4 of 5

Action theater

The ability to run around endlessly, scream at the top of my lungs, roll around the floor, slithering like a snake,  following the primal rumble through my lungs, then sitting together, creating an ever evolving  simultaneous narrative is simply mind blowing and food for the soul.

Exhausted with weary bones and bruised skin, I bask in the radiating glow of complete surrender to each moment spent in this state of exploration and growth.

Day 4 of 5 - action theater

Exploring things we do every day through a particular state - this was the embodiment of electricity if I were writing in my journal. Interesting...

Today. As much as I want to hang on, I have to let go...

November 1, 2013
The Death and Rebirth of Self
Life Transitions

by Madisyn Taylor 

Sometimes a part of us must die before another part can come to life.

Sometimes a part of us must die before another part can come to life. Even though this is a natural and necessary part of our growth, it is often painful or, if we don’t realize what’s happening, confusing and disorienting. In fact, confusion and disorientation are often the messengers that tell us a shift is taking place within us. These shifts happen throughout the lives of all humans, as we move from infancy to childhood to adolescence and beyond. With each transition from one phase to another, we find ourselves saying good-bye to an old friend, the identity that we formed in order to move through that particular time. 

Sometimes we form these identities in relationships or jobs, and when we shift those areas of our life become unsettled. Usually, if we take the time to look into the changing surface of things, we will find that a shift is taking place within us. For example, we may go through one whole chapter of our lives creating a protective shell around ourselves because we need it in order to heal from some early trauma. One day, though, we may find ourselves feeling confined and restless, wanting to move outside the shelter we needed for so long; the new part of ourselves cannot be born within the confines of the shell our old self needed to survive. 

We may feel a strange mixture of exhilaration and sadness as we say good-bye to a part of ourselves that is dying and make way for a whole new identity to emerge in its place. We may find inspiration in working with the image of an animal who molts or sheds in order to make way for new skin, fur, or feathers to emerge. For example, keeping a duck feather, or some other symbol of transformation, can remind us that death and rebirth are simply nature’s way of evolving. We can surrender to this process, letting go of our past self with great love and gratitude, and welcoming the new with an open mind and heart, ready for our next phase of life. 

Truth

Sometimes the truth we refuse to look at, looks back at us...

Don't leave me dry...

http://youtu.be/BciOfJsqh7M

Day 2 of Action Theater

Exhaustion
but in a good way.
Too wiped to collect my thoughts, but i'm taking notes as we learn in class.

2mrw - going to a bbf's house to shoot her being a ghost in the home that held her when she got married, then divorced, and then married in again. It's up for sale and completely empty, Except for the memories which we will exercise as the sun goes down.

I told her to get a few boxes of kleenex.


Shift is taking place.
New people coming into my life, they are replacing the ones that are leaving.

like attracts like -
putting out the unconditional love and acceptance.
Seems to be working wonders.

Still rough - change of seasons brings on the layers of melancholy, but i'm pushing through.
This year is almost over.
New beginnings on the horizon.
I can see them.
I can smell them.

Like home made apple pie on a blustery winter day.

Home...

Something is broken. And I can't help but feel that it is beyond repair...

Raw

Raw from the inside

Cold on the outside

Cryogenic preservation of the

Persistence of my memory

Now lost in melancholy 

Without a door to escape

From this cold on the inside

Raw surrounding the outside.

Action theater day 1 of 5

Day 1

What I learned in improv today?

Always say yes. 

The eyes are so important to communication and understanding. The eyes will convey that information through intention.

It’s harder to gauge what your partner is experiencing, feeling when you can’t see their eyes.

The movement will tell you who you are.

The difference between attitude and feeling:
 Attitude is an idea placed on action. It’s a mental assignment.

Feelings are a direct manifestation of the sensory system. An expression of that particular sensory experience.

It’s important to honestly respond from moment, to moment, to moment to fully experience life.

The vast possibility of mind states of the body induces a “self aware being”.

States of mind are like mercury - we don’t exist in a flat, static plane.

Language:


Look at how we do what we do, what we say the way we say it. Volume, pitch, phrasing - deconstruct the way we “normally speak”. 

Examine the way we create and flow with a narrative.

Climb into the sound - that voice will determine the narrative.

The more you follow the sound, the more you become the ‘character’ of the sound

.

Step out of yourself when you speak to others.

Go into somebody’s mouth as much as you can. Get intimate with the possibilities. Pitch, sound, breath.

Engage your partner in a “live pause”.

How willing are we to inhabit our voice? 

The formation of sound creates us - the voice itself reconfigures the whole DNA system.

Abstraction of words/language that follow the voice:

There is tension between desire and cultural compulsion to articulate our words so that we can be understood. 

There is a disintegration of how we hold on to our prescribed way of behaving. In improv, its all about release, obliteration and freedom.

Its easy for us to fall back on what worked for us in the past - the fear of disintegration is what keeps us from exploring new possibilities.