Talk of the town!

So the play is a roaring hit! Last night was wonderful! The energy was high and we played to a sold out - standing room only crowd. There was one point where Samantha attacks the guy (Gino) that she picks up at a bar and leans him against a table, but this time, the table broke!! Nobody was hurt, but it made for an interesting ad lib! We all went with the flow - and I ran on stage yelling: "Oh Dio Mio! Gino what are you doing?!! And what have you done to my table?!?!"

The rush is still rushing in my head and I can't believe that after Sunday, the gang that I spent 6 months of my life with will be over. Well, not 'over' but there will not be the project that linked us all together. I guess that means I have to write another play then!!

Here are some of the comments people have been leaving behind on the fringe website:

If these people can turn a Mae west orgy into a spectacle, then I am looking forward to what they can do with a spoof of a sequel!! I heard from a friend who heard from a friend who heard from someone who saw one of the rehearsals that it is gut busting pee in your pants funny!! Gotta see it!

"Charlotte, have a cup of 'shut the fuck up' " - and other one line zingers had me in stitches! Funniest thing since Cheese Whiz!! A MUST SEE!! They all look so much like their characters - quite uncanny! A must see for all fringers!!


Oh my god!!! SO SO SO SO SO funny!! The house was packed and everyone was howling w/ laughter. The cast even looks like the girls! Do not miss this show.!


Alright . . . this show isn\'t good. Stop with the good reviews! The whole show revolves around a gimmick . . . that the characters are played by drag queens. Which is funny for all of 120 seconds. There is nothing else creative or good about this piece. YES, they look VERY much like the TV characters . . . but should they get laurels for the show just because of that?! NO! Hmmm. The characters are played by drag queens?



It's smart - true to the TV show, not only do the girls look like the originals, they have the characters mastered. Throw in a hilarious supporting cast and a genuinely sharp script and it's a hoot. OK - maybe I didn't belly laugh all the way through (which isn't to say that I didn't at all - I did), but I did get that warm glow that Carrie Bradshaw and co weren\'t quite done...This is a fun. fun show!


Really funny!! I thoroughly enjoyed it - well written and well acted! In fact I will go back to hear the lines that I missed because the audience was laughing so much!!! Great show!!!


Not sure if the last reviewer saw the same show, or slept through the production! These girls (not drag queens!) play their characters so well I had to remind myself a couple of times that it wasn't Kim or Cynthia on stage playing Samantha and Miranda. Lots of laughs and well set in the Montreal context. If you enjoyed Sex in the City then this is a must see. Contrary to what is being said by the poster above, the cast is not made up of drag queens! (although there are some in the show).


Sex in la Cite isn't gimmicky; it's a funny and entertaining play. The cast totally has these characters nailed. They deserve extra kudos for that. If you want to be entertained - you can't go wrong.


Contrary to what is being said by the poster above, the cast is not made up of drag queens! (although there are some in the show). Sex in la Cite isn't gimmicky - it's a funny and entertaining play. The cast totally has these characters nailed. They deserve extra kudos for that. If you want to be entertained - you can't go wrong. PS - the venue has air conditioning AND sells beer! whoo-hoo!


"Abso*?!@inglutely" fantastic show... SALC has somehow managed to capture the spirit of SATC exquisitely - not an easy feat! Every bit of the sexiness, hilarity and charm of the girls\' adventures in New York was brought back to life in Mile End in with some very clever, uniquely Montrealais twists... The actresses portraying the four main characters simply NAILED their characters - body language, facial expressions, the real deal.. Not to mention the lines they were given; the script was freshly punny and yet true to the original style, over-the-top in just the right places - I wasn't the only audience member actually howling with laughter! Drag show at Chez Mado, Melissa Ethridge, Gino (sorry) dance routine at Thursdays... me, I loved this show, bro. You, bro, you go see it.


i am an avid watcher of sex and the city. I came to see this show with ALOT of expectations. I was not disapointed AT ALL! it was fantastic.. i loved the girls..(carrie good but abit whinny at times) samantha>she's awesome, really WOW! miranda and charlotte are funny as well. i LOVED the other performers, the singers were bang on!...thought the show reflected montreal and all it\'s personality and it's sexuality.... Therefore i recommend that all of you see this show and enjoy it for what it is> a really cool and well executed fringe show!!!


Wow!...WOw!!...WOW!!! Finally a show in the fringe that SCREAMS TALENT! Professionally handled...and those Drag Queens! WOWZA PASCAL! Not to mention those four gorgeous girls! WELCOME BACK LADIES!!!WE MISSED YOU!


I loved it! I wasn't expecting much, but boy, was I pleasantly surprised! The show was terrific - the cast has the characters down pat, and the writing is fantastic - funny, witty, fast-paced, and clever! Great show! Definitely a "DO NOT MISS" show!


Christine Ghawi carries the play very well, and Anne McMaster and Alexandra Valassis have the speech and gestures of Miranda and Samantha down pat. The play is wicked funny and really alot of fun.Peter Koussioulas is gonna be huuuge bro!


The main characters are bang on and loads of fun (and so are the supporting ones!!!). In fact, I'm sure the original staff in NYC would get some great laughs watching this as well!!! I had a few friends join me for the show and they all shared my opinion. Loved it! Now, go and enjoy it while you still can!!! Well, done everyone!!!


Painful, painful, painful... i\'ve watched plenty of sex and the city and this made me laugh very slightly once or twice. why is this show selling out?


Good show!!! Interesting twist on some characters ... P.S. Peter is a hunk ... I would have loved to be in Alexandra's position.

We think that the people who wrote the bad review (at least the first one) were not at the show because the drag queens don't appear until about 15 minutes into the play!

Well, you can't please everybody...

Playing to a sell out crowd!!

It's official! We have sold out all of our shows at the box office! The only tickets you can get are at the door - and you have to be there pretty early and there are a limited amount at that!

The show last night was a smash - late show 11:15pm and well, I sauntered in this morning at 4am, drunk as a skunk, laughing all the way home!! What a scream.
I am having so much fun!

And people love the show!
They loved all the actors who did a kick ass job!!!!
And they LOVE the script!!
I am so happy that I took the leap of faith and took the chance to do something that I have never done before...

So two more shows (not including tonight). I have a feeling that tonight's show is going to be special for some strange reason...

Apparently, David Duchovny and David Letterman are in town for the Grand Prix.
would that not be a hoot if one of them or another celeb came to see my little play!?!?
LOL

More details tomorrow ;-)

The Premiere!!

Well folks!
This was the night!!

The Premiere!!
AND IT KICKED ASS!!!!


AHHHH!!!!!!
It's 3:20am and I am a little tipsy and way happy but had to check in to say that the play was a SMASH SUCCESS!

I cant' tell you how exciting it was to hear the people laugh at all my jokes, even the stupid ones we as a cast had heard so many times before! It was such a rush to see all the actors hit their marks, have fun with the lines, laugh and interact with the audience. I can't tell you the kind of high it was to hear and see the people applauding when we came out for our bow.

I am flying...
And it's a beautiful view up here!!

And after the show, I can't tell you how many people came up to me and congratulated me on such a phenomenal play, wonderful writing, and my role as the irate Greek and Italian mother.

They actually laughed and clapped when I walked off stage!! Twice!!

I was floored.
Completely!

I could not believe it!

And for the first show, there were only really minor flub ups!

But the whole cast was shining, and we were all happy, and the energy was grand, and the magic was in the air, and at that moment, I knew that this was exactly where I wanted to be - center stage, with my fellow actors, in front of a receptive audience, loving my words, wanting to hear more, wanting to laugh and be a part of this magic called theater.

OH GOD!!

I am on such a high, but at the same time, I am a little numb. It feels like this was all a dream. But the wildest part is that starting Monday, we have 3 back to back nights!! And apparently we are already the buzz of the festival!!!

I am flying.

And I can't believe it.

I never n a million years thought I 'd get my feet off the ground.

But I have, and I see the horizon, and the skies are clear, and is the dawn of a new day ;-))))

Night Stalker

This is one of the photos I took of my friend Alex's body paintng - it was an impromptu shoot - she was completly naked except for a little g-string. The detail in the painting is incredible. The photo is pretty neat if I do say so myself ;-)

A quick pop in while I can!

Hello my dears!
I just wanted to pop in to let you know what has been going on!
CHAOS!!

We are having our first show on SATURDAY!! YEP!! THAT'S IT!

SATURDAY the 11th at 7:30pm!

I am soo nervous!! I have been loosing sleep over this - I have this fear that I will go on stage and freeze when I hear the people laughing. Imagine that - me standing on the stage, with curlers in my hair, a god awful nightgown, silly slippers and looking like an angry Greek/Italian mother!! It will be a sight to behold that is for sure!!

We have been rehearsing since last week and this week we are stepping up the pace - every night until showtime. We are doing full dress rehearsals - which means that we have to do our scenes and change in and out of costume in the allotted time (60 minutes). It's pretty chaotic. 12 People running around, looking for the right props and clothes - and we are rehearsing in somebody's apartment - not even on stage yet and we are still all over the map, but I have the uttmost faith that everybody will shine - Big will be the best big, Carrie will be as charming and quirky as ever, Miranda and Steve will be lovingly neurotic (along with the Bride of Chuckie doll!!), Charlotte and Samantha will wow them with their wacky and wild personalitlies. Then we have Pascal - the drag queen extrodinare who kills me and puts me into stictches every time he does his fake french canadian accent (and those legs!! Better than mine! I am so jealous!), the wacky waitreess/Mellisa Ethridge/aspiring waitress/Carrie Bradshaw groupie (and talk about doing multiple roles! Hats off to her!) and the two mooks - Gino and Sprio (who also have multiple roles) - I stand in awe in front of these people. As a group - it's incredible the amount of chemestry and energy we have together! And on their own, they are some of the most amazing, tallented and beautiful people I have met in such a long time.

God. I hope that this never ends, that we will continue to work together, that this is not just a one shot deal/flash in the pan.

I hope not...

But I have faith - and today, I was reminded that "HPK - you wrote this! Has it hit you yet, as you sit here, listening to the lines that you wrote!?!" It was true - this is my baby. People will be laughing at my jokes! And so many jokes packed into one play! They are one after another! Pretty outrageous! I asked a friend to take photos during out last dress rehearsal at the venue - hopefully he will be there and the pix will turn out! As soon as I get them, I will post them!!

And the photo thing is going well! I was part of an exposition lately and it went really well. Didn't sell anything, but made some amazing contacts, met up with a good friend of mine who I had not seen in 14 years (he still kept my poems that I wrote him 14 yeas ago!! I was so touched!! he was like my brother - keeping me out of trouble and my shoulder to cry on when I needed it.) He wants me to work on a calendar he is making soon - and it's funny - all these people who are popping into my life lately - old friends that I have not seen in YEARS, new friends that I am making - how the play came together and how I am making contacts through that, it's pretty wild and exciting!

And, AND - this woman called me who saw my website and wanted to know if I wanted to do some product shots for her and her company. This might be a steady gig and I am really excited to start! WOW! My head is spinning - I must try to keep it on in one piece!

So on that note, I am posting a few photos from the impromptu shoot that I did Saturday (the unexpected job that just fell into my lap!) and talk about 6 degrees of separation - the girl in the photo knows the main character - the girl playing Carrie in my play!! WILD WILD WACKY SHIT!!

Here is her website - http://www.killerboots.ca
Very cool girl - and her name is the same as mine - but she spells hers with a C.
Strange coincidences!!

Whooooooooooooo ...

This is a recent photo from the play/rehersal. Here we see Miranda (left) with her leaky boob solution, and Charlotte (right) telling Carrie that she would never buy knock-offs. All the girls - as a the core group of four are so incredibly tallented, I feel so honoured to be in their company. We really lucked out to have found such an amazing cast - all of them! But then again, maybe it was no accident. All of this happens for a reason.

If this play manages to come together, it's going to be one hell of a funny play. I mean, really funny...

The director's chair.

This is from a fellow director friend of mine - his name is thedak and his website is here. His stuff is amazing - someone to watch for (he might kill me for doing this, but what the hell, we artsy fartsies have to stick together). I plan to link to some new tallent that I find on flickr to spread the message around - good art like this has to be seen...

As I listen to The Verve on my stereo, full blast - orchestrations rolling through my hallways, I take special notice to the lyrics as I pause to look out my window to the 1/2 clear 1/2 grey sky that floats by. It had just rained hard for a about 10 minutes and now the weather is having this great internal battle.

I'm a lucky man,

with fire in my hands...

I can imagine being up in a plane, high above the city, looking out of the window and see the Yin/Yang symbol in the clouds.

It's shitty outside, but I am not feeling shitty.

I am feeling quite strong and wise. I am thankful to be where I am now.

37 and loving it.

Never thought I'd hear those words fly out of my mouth (or out of my fingers!!)

Combination of new meds, 96 hours of fever, trying to change my perspective on life, some soul searching, being shaken up both good and bad - perhaps that all has to do with it, or maybe I've just reached that point.

it's just a change in me

something in my liberty

You know that point when you just wake up one morning and you have that feeling of - ah ha! Okay. Yea. I think I'm starting to get it now.

I hope its stays.

I met up with a flickr buddy - thedak on msn. He's also a photographer (and a really amazing one - go and check out his stuff!!) and waxed poetic about filmaking, him telling me about how he was trying to wrap his head around being 'the big chief director' of the show. How do you do it? You know, rally around the troops without coming off as an asshole or too bossy, or without feeling guilty about telling them what to do?

And in that moment, in that sentence it hit me - I am being asked for advice because I have experience. And not 2 or 3 year of experience, we're talking 10 plus in the motion picture industry alone. I felt so honored that someone was coming to me for insight, help, wisdom.

Yea, you have earned your wisdom, you've earned your wings.

I always knew that I was in the arts for a reason, and that eventually I would be able to share my experiences and make a difference in somebody's life. It is a really special feeling. Kinda warming and calming inside.

Peace and contentment.

So we blabbed a bit, then I sent him a long email with all my book suggestions (Directing for Film - Eric Sherman and Sculpting in Time - Andrei Tarkovsky. Those are an ABSOLUTE MUST for any director or person who is a big fan of cinema) and personal stories about how I cope when things are on my shoulders. I can remember when some (albeit few) master artists would take the time to explain things to me; there is something about life experience that changes the way you look back on things, your perspective on your own history changes - you are a little further away, can now see the forest for the trees and have gained insight that only comes with living a full life.

I feel like I am a happy antique leather couch - the ones that look really old and rugged, the ones with the huge arm rests with the gold rivets on the side. Worn in more places than some, but each spot is rich in texture and uniqueness.

Yea, uniqueness.

I look out my window to the little drops of rain that hang on. With help from the wind, some of them are disappearing, some are joining together to make larger ones.

Stillness.

And for now, it seems like the grey has won, but the light will come around again eventually

I'm not too worried anymore...

This is a picture I snuck from the shoot last week. On the left, production assistants, middle, the director (brilliant dude!) and the president of the production company who hired us to pull all this stuff off. I like to call this photo "At least I think she knows what she is doing" as he watches me set up a new scene. 

Sick but happy.

I am so sick.
I have had a fever of 104F and it has been going between that and 102 since Tuesday night. My whole body aches - it hurts to breathe, cough, sneeze, but I am one happy camper. Oh, a very happy camper.

Before I fall into this keyboard, I just wanted to let you all know that the shoot went incredibly well, better than I actually thought it would. I was blessed by being able to work with a photographer, and a lighting technician who has been in the industry for the past 25 years, so his knowledge helped me so much. At first I was sooo nervous, knowing that the 30 some odd people milling about behind me were watching me and the director 'do our stuff', but once I got into the groove, the day just smoothed by.

It was ironic and a blessing that I started to get a fever only after the last hour - I had already finished my shots and the day was pretty much done. I went home and collapsed into bed where I have been for the past 2 days.

I called the director, I was dying to know what the images looked like: They are amazing! It looks really good! This is going to look so fantastic when it's all put together!

Music to my ears and my fever riddled body.

I am supposed to do a mini performance with my troupe tonight. It's only two minutes, and I am hoping that I won't have to let the gang down, but just that - just knowing that I pulled off that shoot and the images look great make me a happy camper.

Sigh.

'Oh my God' - and so begins our summer...

Oh my God.
I am flipping. Exhausted, stunned and flipping.
Nervous as all hell, a little panicked but good.
The universe has strange ways of telling us things, and sometimes if we listen just a little bit, we can hear the messages in the wind, in the flapping of a birds wings, or feel it in a ray of sunshine.

I went to meet with the producers of this corporate video I am going to be doing the cinematography for. This is the big bucks, and I found out that there are two other people on this ladder of advertising/client step - there is the client, who hired an ad agency, who hired the production house, who hired my friend to direct, who hired me to shoot the damm thing. When I say I have alot riding on my shoulders, I'm not kidding. It is my job to make all this stuff look pretty. And that is a big job.

I am nervous as hell!
why?!
Because there will be people watching my every move, waiting for the final product, watching how efficient I am. If I fuck up. What will I do next!? Alot of eyes on little old me!

The man of the house was kinda oblivious to my panic and plight:well welcome to the real world!!
I was so pissed off. What the hell do you know about lighting a room the size of plane hangar!??!

Sure, I could try to do it, I could fake it cause I have never done it before, but do I want to fake with 40 000$ of somebody else's $$?

Expensive mistake to make if I do make a mistake.

I have been trying to employ methods of Cognitive behavioral therapy - change your way of thinking, change the way you feel. Its alot of work - to re-program your mind to think another way. And the mind does resist! And hard! I had to spend a good 10 minutes on the way to the meeting this morning to shut off that tape in my head.
You're gonna fuck up.
They are gonna see you are an amateur
they are gonna smell your fear a mile away...

I went in there confident, spoke with the first set of clients - the ad agency. They were 3 people (two men, one woman) about my age, maybe younger. That helped - no corporate stuffy faces/suits. The director did some sort of fancy power point presentation and everybody loved it. We are going to be doing a ' making of ' the making of. (if you can figure that out).

There is going to be a photographer who will be taking her shots. We will be there filming her photographing these people. Needless to say, I was relieved when I found out she was a woman, even more relieved when I found out how wonderful and sweet she was.

We talked about lighting and how our lights would balance eachother out - she lights for her stuff, and mine would compliment hers, just as her lights could compliment my scene.

How cool is that?!
Working with a fellow photographer!?
Amen.
and a woman!?
Amen and a hallelujah!
She was really nice and soft spoken!?
Double amen and a glory be to God!

So I sat and talked with these people, watched as they went through the minutes of the meeting, and I took my q to go and set up my equipment. People seemed really nice. I tipped my imaginary hat to my director friend and was off.

Saw the production assistant. She asked me what kind of equipment I wanted.
Its been so long since I have done a huge shoot, let alone orchestrate one on my own.
I tried not to sound amateurish, but I was paranoid that it was as blatantly obvious as a hole in the head.
She seemed perplexed with my choices -that's it?! Those are all the lights you want?!

Ah, er, yea...

Big fucken oops.
I was sure she saw right through me like a pane of glass, AMATEUR stamped on my forehead, my dunce cap covering the m in amateur.

it was too late to back pedal - I'll get the chief electro guy to call you. Who do you usually work with!?
Ah, er, ah...

She was relay perplexed and I saw the warning signs go off in her head.
I am done for, toast, my cover's been blown.
Hasta la vista kitty!

I went downtown, distraught and panicking . I met up with a good friend of mine. Her boyfriend has just broken up with her the night before: I love you, but it's just not working out.
This after a year and 1/2 together.
ouch.

You know kitty, I just have to know that I will survive. It is gonna be hard for a while, I will miss him, but life will go on. I have to move on and keep busy.
I stood there in awe. This woman, more than 10 years my junior, was more put together than I was .

You impress the hell out of me girl!

I told her about my panic and worry - why worry!? You know your stuff, you know people who can help you!? Just put it all together.
She was right.
And so I did, but not without a little help from the universe...

I got home and was waiting for the call, the production manager to call me and say: are you sure you can do this?!
But there was no call.
Except one call - the chief electrician.
Turns out he is a photographer too, and was once an aspiring cinematic, like I was.

We bonded immediately. We laughed together, and it was all good.

We're going to make some beautiful images together!

That was music to my ears.

I have to light a candle tomorrow - somebody up there wants me to succeed in this. I mean one photographer on this shoot was a coincidence (allowed me to piggy back off of her lighting setup) but an electro (they are called gaffers in cine language) who is also a frustrated cinematographer like I am!? What a coincidence, no - what a blessing.


I will be spending the weekend going over storyboards and lighting setups and will be shooting all day Tuesday. Wednesday I will be recuperating and trying to pinch myself out of the daze I will surely be in.

Wish me luck my dears. Many people's reputation and money is riding on my little shoulders!!!

Oh, and the play ? Coming along swimmingly!
More about that next post - with pictures!

Post for angel A

In my previous post - Saturday, May 07, 2005 - My life as a TV Sit-com... angel-A said...
Hi Kitty!"How big is Big Buks?$35,000The first time I heard my friend tell me, I thought he said 3500$.I almost had a hear attack when he corrected me."My dear, I believe that very soon $350,000 won't surprise you.Don't forget - only the sky is your limit!!! Only the sky!You have a great talent, you are a rare jewel, rely on God, He stores a wonderful plan for you, just be opened and listen to Him... carefully .salute!!!

Well, I spoke to the director today - all systems are still go, but he said something that really sparked my curiosity and got my ears perking.

Go in and ask for $1000 as your flat day rate. That way she can bargain you down to 800. Not such a stretch. But if you ask for 200$ she is gonna say : this girl doesn't value herself much, and hey, lets try 150$!

A man can go into this situation and walk in knowing nothing about camera, but will bullshit himself and his way through and get the money he asks for, but a woman, who knows twice as much as the guy does, will ask for less and sell herself short. HPK, don't sell yourself short like that! Listen, I'm gonna be your pimp from now on, cause you deserve so much better!

I was momentarily stunned. He was right! So very right!

I wont sell myself short anymore. Why should I?!

In life, in relationships, with myself.

Time to silence the doubting Thomas and inner critic in my head. Time to slip my bitch boots on and start walking!

When all systems are go...

There is something in the air lately.
I have said before that this summer will be the summer when my life is gonna change - for the better, or should I dare say - for the utter fantastic...

Its a vibe I have.
Felt it since January.
Now things are happening.
Slowly but surely.

The play is coming together amazingly well. There is already a huge buzz about it across the city. And we have yet to poster and prostitute the play en masse.

I am (still waiting but) on final confirmation for a director of photography job - big budget. Super huge client.
I spoke with three fellow cast members who are now booking me to work with them on their future film projects - Pascal and his screenplay, Big and his current feature film in pre -prod right now, and Samantha who wants me to shoot her feature film probably next year.

I met up with two young guys - one a writer, the other a set designer, who were looking for somebody to direct a trailer for their upcoming feature film. I think I made a great impression on them. And if they like me, I would be the director for the feature. It would be my first independent feature film as director to my name. I will find out more on Tuesday.

I just got back from seeing the Black Crowes. I missed them when they came to town 11 years ago. I was accosted by the security guard for taking photos. I was so pissed off that I almost took my super extendo zoom lens and shoved it down his no neck fat throat. But instead, I stood there and something washed over me - a feeling of unstoppable determination - i want to do this for a living - photography - live entertainment photography. I will call the offices of the organizers of the Jazz festival and hound them until they say yes to taking me on as a staff photographer for this year's festival.
I won't take no for an answer.
I know I am good.
And I will make them know that too.


This is going to be the summer my life changes.
Warp speed - my focus is getting more (well, focused) precise.
A friend of mine said that he is putting in advance booking to become one of my groupies.
You, out of everybody I know, is going to be the first one to become famous.

Really!?
You don't say...
Fingers, knees and toes crossed and a prayer to the big G upstairs as I start the engine to this, my car and highway to a new life...

Shots from Sex In La Cite

Steve and another cast member practice in front of a mirror (that's Steve's reflection in the mirror).

This is Samantha and her possé as they go over their dance number. 

My life as a TV Sit-com...

Every other day, something happens in my life and I have to shake my head and say I have to write this stuff down cause nobody will ever believe me, and in two days, I will forget all the details...

Well, today was one of those days...

I was found out that a friend of mine pulled out al the stops to have me as a cinematographer for this corporate video that he will be directing. It's a video for some chartered accounting association - the aim of this mini-clip is to get kids who are just out of high school to make accounting an appealing choice. I am wondering how my friend is going to make a convincing argument to back that claim up. He has his work cut out for him and so do I...

Allow me to explain -
This is the real deal - the big thing. This is a well known production company with alot of pull in the city, and the company that wants this thing is paying big bucks to make it happen.
How big is Big Buks?
$35,000
That's their budget.
The first time I heard my friend tell me, I thought he said 3500$.
I almost had a hear attack when he corrected me.

Well, you see, I have worked on productions that have bee, well, under the $5000 mark. Peanuts when you consider the scope of this clip that I am working on.
This is the real deal !

If this thing ends up looking like shit, I will be in deep trouble!
I have been running around my house, flipping because I am wondering if I can actually pull this thing off! I mean, the director with whom I have worked with before loves my work - I mean he had to pull some serious strings to get me (a non -union member) to work on this aparently unionized shoot. He obviously believes in me enough to have him take on this project with him (his reputation is riding on this as much as mine is) but I AM SHITTING BRICKS!! I AM SOO NERVOUS! I have never pulled off anything like this of this magnitude before! This is big bucks!! BIG BUCKS! I think the key is to go in, bluffing my way through the whole thing, just like I did when Samantha asked me if I would write the play for her: Oh yea, no problem! It'll be a cinch!

And then I ran home, running around in circles, pulling out my hair saying:I can't do this! I have never written a play IN MY LIFE BEFORE!!
But here we are, two weeks away from the press showing, one month away from the actual play, and something that I could have never even conjured up in my wildest dreams is becoming a reality.
Wacky shit.

I wonder what I will be saying after this video!?!?
Crying or laughing?
Stay tuned!

So rehearsals today - it's amazing to see this thing come together! I saw the dance numbers this afternoon - and they are coming along amazingly well! Apparently, this play is already the buzz of the city. One of the top theater producers here in the city has already heard of it, and is on the jury for nominating the best play of the festival. Our fingers and toes are crossed...

I went out with Samantha for drinks. It was a beautiful night and we walked and talked alot. She is so elated with the play, and told me how she just knew that it was going to be me who would be able to translate her vision into reality.
How did you know!?
I just knew. I saw you, heard what you had to say, liked your ideas, felt comfortable with you right away, and just went with my gut.
Just like that?
Just like that. And I am so happy I did!

We reminisced about the rocky road the play has taken since it's inception - the director fiasco, the Carrie Bradshaw # 1 no go, our desperation to find a director (when one was right under our nose -Charlotte), finding the Greek and Italian mothers (yours truly) and then finding the right actors to play the right parts.

It's all coming together - it's all falling into place.

I told Samantha - mark my words - this is going to be the summer that our lives will change.
She smiled and agreed. I think she feels the same vibe that I do. The ball is rolling - it's been a long time coming. And we are all ready for our cameo.

You know, when we were having our first reading, with all the characters, everybody was laughing so hard. They were all amazed at how well written this play was! Remember when you walked in!? They were all still stunned!
I remember! I was turning beet red because everybody kept on gushing .
Well HPK - it is a brilliant play!
Not bad for a first timer eh?!
Its phenomenal!

We sat and imagined what this summer was going to be like - the rush of the performance, opening night, the encores, the crowds laughing at the jokes. I will be in shock - hearing all these people laughing at my jokes!! Funny thing, when I hear the actors reciting their lines, I can remember when I wrote each joke! A little trigger - that multi-fuckable joke was written at 5am on a Friday. It was Friday because I saw the recycling bins outside...

I am so floored.
I am in a state of buffered shock. Not quite really feeling the impact and magnitude of what I have done/created, but at the same time, feeling like I am observing it from a safe place - an observation tower of sorts.

God - so much emotion in one night, one day. After an emotionally draining weekend, this day of good news and elation goes a long way in healing me.

Onwards and upwards.
The best is yet to come...

Welcome to my 'Private Path'. Hope you enjoy the view... 

This is one of my cats - Zoe. She is just loves the camera. Notice the Cindy Crawford spot near her mouth. I just had to share this pic. I was feeling really crappy today. I just needed to make this blog look happy. *meow* 

Sometimes, we all have to take chances. I guess I am in a point in my life that I should be taking more, life is too short... 

Little old me...

Well, today's rehearsal was a complete run through - which means that we actually acted out the whole play in it's entirety. I can't tell you what a weird feeling that was. I am still stunned thinking about it. I don't think this is all going to sink in until the first performance. I will be a happy/screaming/sobbing mess. All these emotions hitting me at once. I still can't believe that I managed to write this thing...
I still cant believe it.

Wow.

So everybody was there - we began with the first scene. It is amazing what actors, theater actors that is, can do with their bodies and expressions to make you think that they are somewhere where they are not. Maybe its because I wrote the damm thing I was able to visualize the whole scenario, but this group of people we have with us are absolutely hysterical - they are all so talented, and wonderful - I could not have asked for a better cast group of actors. And they all have the best sense of humor.

It's time like this that I treasure - when it all comes together.
And works.
Wow.

so 15 scenes later (yep - 15 ! I love to dream in technicolor and dolby sound. Did I ever mention that to you?) we were laughing hysterically, applauding and smiling. Aside from a few line glitches and stage kerfuffles, we were running 70 minutes - 10 minutes over the limit, but I told Samantha - "we are going to tighten up once we get the whole play and blocking in order. That will be at least 15 minutes right there!"

Charlotte and I were pretty pleased with the whole thing.
How does it feel to see your play with all the actors and the whole thing being played out?
It really is a dream come true!
Wow.


It was so funny - people were actually still laughing at the jokes! STILL LAUGHING! Almost 4 months into the show and they still find the stuff funny!
Wow.

But what really floored me was when Miranda came up to me and said:
You know HPK, your play changed my life. It's because of this play that I have decided to stay in this city. I was so ready to move back to my home town, nothing was working - I was having such a horrible winter and I really missed my family and friends. I was thinking I was into the wrong field - I was not getting any good roles and then - bang! Here was the play! Your play has done so many things for me - especially for my acting and I have you to thank you for that.

Her eyes started to get all teary as she threw her arms around me to give me a big hug.

my play actually made a difference in somebody's life.
my play.
my work.

How strange it was that only last year - December, I didn't know what the hell I wanted to do with my life - and quite literally - out of nowhere, Samantha and Charlotte found me.

And my life has changed to .
Thanks to them.
Thanks to me...

Guerilla video camp

Well, things have been quite rock and roll since I have been away - too many seemingly good contracts have fizzled out much to my dismay. It's pretty shitty to find out that when you were counting on 700$ to come in, and then to find out that somebody said: oops you are too expensive, went with a friend of the family who will do it for $100, it makes me want to rip their eyes and my eyes out. Very pissy.
My overdraft on my bank is in overdrive.
I think they are going to send the overdraft police after me.

Something's gotta give.
I need money.
Fast!

But speaking of money, that is why I whored myself out last night at an ungodly hour. A good friend of mine called me just before SVU started (and missed the Office - just the most brilliant comedy show on tv since Scrubs!) and asked me : If I told you I had a job for you to do some video work, just in and around the streets of the city, would you do it? It would be 2 hours of work tonight, and two more tomorrow. We have a cam, mind you, it's not the top top of the line cam, but its good to do the job, and we will need this stuff tomorrow by 10am.
Hmm. 12 hours.
I made a film in just less than 36 with him, 12 hours was cutting it a bit close...
but being the money whore I am, I could not refuse, but immediately asked:
what is the pay!?
I'll let you talk to the producer.

I told my man that I would not do it for less than 200. I mean, 4 hours of work, last minute evening stuff, and then a 7am rush thing to do as well?? I wouldn't even get up for 40 bucks at 7am!!
I got a call back 5 minutes later. It was the producer.
It's a small budget, what is your rate?
As a photographer, it's between 75 and 200 (for complicated stuff), and this??? I was going to say 100.
That is too much, we have a really small budget. I can give you 100.
100?!?! And you want this when??!! I'll take 150. Final offer.
Okay 150 it is, see you in 1/2 hour when you come to pick up the camera.

So there we were, my man and I (bless his little heart) zipping around some industrial area in the middle of nowhere to find this place. I met my friend, and he explained to me what the deal was.
We want to show Montreal as a sexy city - this is for the tourism board. We need to sell to people who are about 29-50 with $$, so get lots of people kissing, good looking people and lots of goodlooking women. It's a nice night downtown, you should not have any trouble.
HA!!!!!!!!!
It was an absolute nightmare that followed me into he morning.

It must have been ugly teen people Tuesday night because there was nobody except young grunge kids, running around without their jackets, being loud and obnoxious. I managed to get one couple in a restaurant (the last one that was not closed!!) but caught a glimpse of the boyfriend who did not look in the least bit happy.
Hi - I love Montreal, and this is where and when my girlfriend dumped me!

Not good.

But seriously, there was nobody. And the minute I put the camera up to my waist - (did not even put it to my eye) people became suspicious! It was freaky! People ran away, hid their faces, you name it! I am far from being the papparazzi honey! And you are no Princess Diana okay!!

We actually went into two bars and there was nobody!! Mostly men trolling for single women. It was like a David Lynch meets Rod Serling in a bar somewhere in the Twilight Zone!

We went to a bar that my man had been to, and only one waitress agreed to be filmed, just smiling. It was not like I was asking these people to perform MacBeth or anything, but I could not believe how threatened people felt by the video camera! My film camera, point and shoot, nobody gets hurt, but video!! And size really does matter! A larger camera commands respect, but a little one the size of a big Mac? HA! HA!
And the last laugh was on me!

I managed to keep the camera on for about 4 minutes, filming my feet as I bitched about how last minute this was. Got home and crashed. 1AM. I had to be up in 5 hours.

God in heaven , so help me if I don't get paid for this!!

Got up at 6:30 and went downtown for 7am. Had to get the morning rush, but at the same time, get people who where not 'rushing' cause Montreal is not a rush rush city. BA!
Once again, I was tousled, brushed off, ignored, asked not to be filmed, and al kind of other things that ware too painful to remembered. Some people complied, but others freaked - turning into jello as soon as I lifted up this piece of electronic plastic and metal box!!! I got what I could and made my way out into the middle of what used to be a toxic waste dump (Angus Yards) and dropped off the cassette. I told my friend - well, gave him a disclaimer - had this been on a Friday night, it would have been more interesting. But Tuesday!!!!!!?!? I worked with what I had and did what I could do.
He thanked me and then I puttered home in the rain.

God! Am I pooped! They were supposed to have this thing ready by 5pm today. He has not called me - oops! I fear the worst!!

But I'll keep you posted! ;-)

I keep on asking myself this question - if I am apparently so tallented, and I am constantly putting myself 'out there', why is nothing happening???! 

Why we artsy fartsies tend to be emotional and sometimes wishy washy...

"Ah, you're so artsy fartsy!"

I hear that all the time.
And it bugs me.
It bugs me because there is such a negative connotation to it.
Artists all eat Alpo out of a can, we are all emotionally unstable, we are all perverts...
Yadda Yadda Yadda.
Yep, heard them all.
But you know what?

I think artists and ascetics are the only people who are really true to themselves - no bullshit, no putting on airs. We are what we are. Our art speaks for us about us. We live in the realm of questions because it is the seeking out of the answers, living in between the moments of those answers that make us curious about life...

So here is my attempt at trying to explain artist-fartsy ness to non artsy-fartsies...


The especially creative person is precisely he whose personality tensions are susceptible to adjustments ; he is more sensitive and suffers more, but he enjoys greater possibilities.
Rollo May


So far as the artist is concerned, the unlimited extent of human experience is nt so important for him as the depth and intensity with which he experiences thing.
Thomas Wolfe

Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for answers. They cannot no be given to you because you could not live them. it is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day.
Rainer Maria Rilke

I think people should stop looking at us from the outside, and take a glimpse at the beauty on the inside...

"AHH!! How Dare you call me bitch!!" - one of the fellow thespians rehearsing her lines. 

The stage manager and Steve talk while Charlotte (in the foreground) directs. 

Reading and acting. 

The rehersal - all a blurr to me right now... 

Hello my friends, it's been awhile...

Hello my friends, it's been a while...

Where do I begin?

Well, the play is moving along swimmingly well, despite the regular mishaps, when people don't show up for certain scenes, rehearsals get cancelled, script changes, we hire and fire new actors...
Yep, all is good at the zoo for disturbed animals that we are now calling a cast and play.
I now have newfound respect for actors.

Their jobs are not easy!

Coming from a film background, I was used to having actors look directly into the camera, or acknowledge the camera's presence, but with theatre - you have to play to the audience. So many rules I feel like I am having to re-learn and forget everything else that I learned about film, for film because these are two different kinds of wildlife and both are hard to tame!

Lessons I have learned so far:
-look into the audience when you have an emotional pivotal moment
When I, the irate mother find my son and Samantha about to go at it, I flip out. At one point, I pull a whole martyr bit - 'are you trying to kill me??" . When I say this, I would usually turn to the actor himself - well, I can't tell you how many times charlotte (the director) yelled at me with 'LOOK AT ME!! LOOK AT ME!!!". It's very awkward, but apparently, when you play to the audience, and let them into our 'moments', they feel like they are more involved with what they are seeing on the stage.

- don't hide your face.
Apparently I have a tendency to hide my face when I am doing my 'big hand gestures' - re: Italian mother. "Make your gestures wide! Exaggerate! Wider ! more open!! "I have shouted to me from the director's chair.

It is all a lesson in how to be comfortable with your body and exaggeration is the key - people in the 5 th row as well as the 55th row have to see you too. Funny though, when I first started acting in films, they told me I was too theatrical, now I am not enough... These snowbushes people are so picky!

And needless to say - being over the top is exhausting! In two scenes, I come out ranting and screaming, mind you, they are really short scenes, but nonetheless! Try doing that over and over again for 3 hours straight!!

Who would have thought that showbiz would be so much work!!

Well, on that note, I am completely spent but will return with some more rants and news ;-)

The new 'modern' looking mannequins. They have bigger than normal heads. They just creep me out even more than the others! 

Sleeping fractional beauty - mannequin with no shoulder to lean on... 

I did a photo shoot for a friend of mine - it was at a place that makes mannequins. Let me tell you, creepy was an understatement!! More pix to come!! 

A hello before I zzzz.

I am back - will be coming back to write again!!
Had a wild weekend - birthday, birthday parties and the like, will come back with lots of stories and updated for you all!!

And the latest - we ditched out famous carrie bradshaw !
We had a rising star in our midst and we didn't even know it!

Its all good.

;-)
And thank you all for the birthday wishes!!!

April 4, 1968

This is the day I was born. This is the day that Martin Luther King Jr. was shot.
I remember two very important things today...

And this is what Elle says about me:

Monday, April 04
Happy Birthday, Aries! You recognize the satisfaction and value in handcrafting a life, career and relationship. You develop feelings of trust and confidence over time. Slow to change your commitments and attitudes, you may remain in difficult circumstances longer than most. There is something Spartan in your character, causing you to feel undeserving of certain benefits or comforts. You take the attitude of ‘I made my bed – and I must lie in it.’ You may struggle with depression and loneliness, and frequently feel like an outsider observing the world through a hazy window. Skilled at reading others’ moods and intentions, you become a repository for others’ discarded emotions and thoughts. For this reason alone, you must be ultra careful about the company you keep. You have a deep urge to hatch an idea, then nurture it to success, with or without the understanding and support of others. It’s essential that you select worthy goals and activities, because once you get started on a path, it’s difficult for you to change direction. You may be obsessive or addictive in your approach to life, work, lifestyle, and relationships. If things are healthy, fulfilling, and successful, all is well. But if you veer onto a darker path, you may plunge deep into an endless midnight without recognizing the warning signs. Avoid anything that diminishes or destroys. You are apt to become notorious in whatever you pursue because you focus so intently on the goal at hand. At times, it appears you’re living life with blinders on, missing important signals and alternatives that could offer happiness. You need strong, honest friends able to confront you when you’re heading down the wrong road. Because you’re determined to achieve objectives, you must select goals and dreams worth sacrificing for. Born today: are Craig Adams, Maya Angelou, David Blaine, Clive Davis, Robert Downey, Jr, Christophe Franke, Steve Gatlin, Peter Haycock, David E. Kelley, Christine Lahti, Heath Ledger, Natasha Lyonne, Caroline McWilliams, Gary Moore, Nancy McKeon, Robby Mueller, Craig T. Nelson, Eric Rohmer, Jill Scott, Catherine Spaak, Jamie Lynn Spears, Mike Starr, Pick Withers, Elmer Bernstein, Dorothea Dix, Marguerite Duras, Berry Oakley, Anthony Perkins, Robert Emmet Sherwood, and Muddy Waters.

Pope John Paul II. May he rest in peace. 

Carrie (in foreground - and does she not look exactly like Carrie Bradshaw??!!) and Samantha in the background (And can she not look more like Samantha in the real Sex and the city!?!? HELLOO!) as they wait for direction on their lines. 

Miranda and Steve awaiting and taking direction from Charlotte. 

The pop in before the poop out.

Hey gang.
Here but fading.
Just wanted to give you a quick update.
This is a snippet I sent to a friend of mine becasue she has been bitching at me to send her some news (so actually more than one person may have gotten the same email.... SORRY!! :-(

Well, I stumbled late to the rehersal today where I was ordered into place as a 'background performer" (I told you show biz was glamorous!) during the final scene, but was proud as all hell because an improv line on my part actually became the scene stealer (when we all say at the same time about Miranda: OH MY GOD! SHE REALLY IS A LESBIAN!) which had Charlotte in stitches along with two other cast members who were in the audience. I felt kind of strange, being up on stage, a bit part, and having Charlotte say to everybody: " Guys guys! You had to see the expression on Hellophotokitty's face? OMG! It was so fucken priceless. I Do that move again!" I stood there - frozen, unable to speak. My moment of stage fright, looking not out to the empty room of battered and bent metal chairs, but having 10 professional actors looking at me me for this supposed comedic example. I took a deep breath and pulled my Jim Carrey elastic face and said my line and had the whole place in stitches. Just moments earlier, I was talking to one of the other actors and leaned over to him and said: "You don't know what a FUCKEN incredible rush this is, listening to people reciting and watching them act to the words you wrote! I can give you a history and timeline behind every line! And that was said at 5am, on a Friday morning, I remember it was a Friday because I saw the recycling outside..."

It was so strange, strange and intoxicating. The same feeling of intoxication when I saw my first film for the first time during the first public showing, at the university, on a screen that equals the one at the Paramount theater downtown. 500 people - sold out crowd. Saturday afternoon. And there it was - my baby, on the screen, my actress and I holding hands, remembering every moment of every frame of that film and all the love and pain that went into making that movie. We both wept at the end (the final denouement is quite powerful) and sat in the dark, hugging each other - exhausted, elated and euphoric over this film. From my hands, my vision, her interpretation of my life to my final stamp of approval. I was there, naked for all to see. A part of me shared with the world, and it was the most incredible thing I have ever felt. I have spoken with friends who have given birth and they have told me that I too, took this film to term and gave birth - the initial anxiety of the symbolic cutting of the cord - the separation of the creator from the creation, but the joy, oh the joy of watching take on a life of it's own and be showered with love.

Nothing has ever come close to that.
but today was pretty close.
And it was awesome.

We then rehearsed the scene where I play the Italian mother (to which I feared that I did not have enough of a 'Pasta fazoul' accent, but it just seemed to flow from me like Buttah) opposite Samantha and her Italian Lovah. We rehearsed out in the hallway and each time, I had both actors in stitches, and each time I would look at them with this honest to God look of bewilderment: What's so funny? I would ask, honestly not thinking it was that funny. P (the italian son) came up with the most brilliant line for this scene: When you are freaking out on me, why don't you say something like: Uncle Luigi is turning over in his grave he is so ashamed! And I would say - 'ma - he's still alive!" I can't tell you how hard we laughed over that one - it was a moment of brilliance that I would see happen throughout the rehersal. It was comedy in action. We loved it and we stuck with it. I was open to ideas right from the begining, and this was such a wonderful example of a collaborative efforet! Charlotte then asked us if we could do our little stchick. And so there I was, backstage, waiting for my Q, and off I went. A banshee possessed by the ghost of Medeterian Joan Crawford on acid, I ranted and wailed like a good old italian mother, with all the bizarre mannerisms and voice inflections of a bona fide Mamma Brava from Palermo. After it was over (and I had slapped my son across the head several times for being a brute), the laughter began. And it filled the room. Everybody was in stitches. I stood there, once again, with a nervous yet stunned 'deer in headlights' smile (not that deers smile when they are about to be blindsided by a 4x4) and just scanned the crowd. It was eerie. Everything happened so fast. There I was, writer, and actor, reading and acting my own line.
Trippy.

I then relaxed and took some pix. Once again, I got wrapped up in the moment. I'm attaching some of those pix for you to see, just because you have volunteered your ears and eyes to my incessant ramblings (I bet you are regretting having said: Yea, sure! You can vent/share/lean on me.......LOL) and well, you already know about me, hell, why stop there when you can have the whole freak show for the same price right?...

As I was saying...

So these pix were so intuitive, they caught me by surprise.
My art caught me by surprise.

So I am posting these pix.

I hope you enjoyed my re-cyled rant and I am off to beat the easter bunny for making those creepy runny looking Hershey cream eggs.

Ugh.

This is Charlotte (also the director) Miranda and Steve in the background as Miranda illustrates how she and her boobs are happy to see Steve again. 

Doing the pop-in

Hi all!
I am just doing a little pop in, even though I am soooooo sick!
Can you believe it - we are only a few days into spring and I have a horrible COLD! Yep. Stuffy nose, runny nose, cough, stuffy head, sneezing. Although I am fearing that it might be flu (even more exciting) but I don't want to jinx myself... Colds in spring and summer are the worst - I feel like a kid who can't go out to play her friends because I am sick and had to stay home. Looking out the window, sulking, sniffling.
Yuks Sucks.

So a brief update on the goings on lately (I have been severely traumatized by Blogger eradicating my really great blog entry a few days ago, so I have been afraid to post lately...) as they have been few, but interesting...

a) went to the rehearsal on Monday. I have never acted in a play before, and the only acting I have done has been for film, and as I mentioned before, theater and film are two COMPLETELY different animals! So acting for film is like the cut and past version of show business. One snippet here, pause (CUT!) and then by the wonderful magic of cinema, you are now in a scene 2 years later and talking to someone else. But in theater - it's all on the stage, minimal props, no 'cut and lets have you run through that again' stuff - if you mess up on stage during a performance, there are no second chances. And rehearsal is a little different as well. It's all in the body and projection of voice. All this is news to me, so my first rehearsal was an adventure!!

b) went to my interview for a group at the local hospital that specializes in CBT - cognitive behavioral therapy. It's an interesting branch of psychiatry as it looks at negative thought patterns and how you can change them - like changing a skipping cd track. CBT also looks at the relationship between thought and feelings and how if you alter one for the better, the latter is sure to follow... But more on that later.

THE REHEARSAL:
My first pre-warning from Charlotte (who is also the director) was - DON'T BE LATE FOR REHEARSALS!! Others show up on time, and so should you! Apparently most actors are prima donnas and don't like to wait while others hold up the show. Point taken.

So I was there - 6pm on the nose. Samantha and I were the only ones there!! Even Charlotte came in late! Okay, let it slide, first rehearsal...
Being someone who is almost always on the other side of the camera, I was introduced to some wacky techniques for warming up: tongue twisters (Fat fanny flips for food - just made that one up. Pretty funny I must say!! ) so we limber up the tongue, stretches for the body, vocal exercises for the voice. I didn't feel like so much of a freak when I stood around in a circle of 3 other people sounding out 'ooooooo's and 'ahhhhhhhh's.

After our limbering up, we did a dry run of the scenes - where Samantha goes home with Gino only to find out that he lives with his mother. Dry runs are fun because it is just a reading, with some body, movement improv. Watching and being part of the dynamic was in itself a rush! I was acting (or at least trying to). Charlotte sat at the back of the class, giving us points to follow, things to do with our bodies and listening to our voices. There is alot that goes into being a director, and the difference between film and theater is that in film, there are camera angles to worry about, continuity from scene to scene, but in theater - it's all in how you project, how the viewing audience sees it. Was it strong, did it look/sound awkward? How was the blocking (making sure that people don't walk in front of eachother during a scene)? Lots going on at once, and this was only with 3 people! I wrote a few scenes where there are up to 10 people in one scene! Yikes!

Three hours went by so quickly, it was ridiculous! We ran through 3 scenes (two which were short, but nonetheless complicates) and it was great! Charlotte and the rest of us were surprised with the results! For a first rehearsal, it was great. I attribute it to the instant chemistry we all had as a group. I am sure that having a good script helps, along with a cast who are enthusiastic about acting in a play they all really enjoy. I remember the time (seems like months ago) when Charlotte, Samantha and Carrie (our would be then director) met with the no-energy, egocentric 'my shit don't smell' potential director. Samantha (producer) was beside herself with anxiety and fear: This is so stressing! We're not going to get this off the ground in time! And we need a director and a finished script! Here we are, a month later and things are on track and the energy is amazing. It is quite exciting to see the genesis of a project, especially when it's one that you have written from scratch! Sigh. It's wild and wacky stuff.

So the next rehearsal is Saturday, followed by a part at Charlotte's house. Actors are fun people - animated to a fault, and rarely taking themselves seriously, they know how to mingle. I am looking forward to it, and sick or not, I will be there!

CBT Interview:
I had been told that this interview would last about 2 1/2 hours in total, but it was so strange! I felt like I was being interrogated, but the interrogators were two nice doctors who make the whole process less painful, but still...

I had to fill out this long (and I mean 12 pages long) questionnaire asking me all kind of questions like: "Have you ever felt so angry that you wanted to kill somebody, do you eat more or less now that you are depressed, do you thoughts that are not your own' and on and on. I have had these questions asked of me before, they seem pretty standard for giving an initial diagnosis, or point the doctor in the right direction as to where your head is at. No voices. No compulsion to want to hurt myself or others, just feeling shitty about myself.

Lots of waiting in waiting rooms until I was seen by the 'team' - one Dr. that looked more like a rabbi than a shrink, and the other looked like he would be running his own retired man/home renovation show. I got a good vibe from them, so that put me at ease right away. The thing that creeped me out was that I was sitting in front of a one way mirror. They had told me that they would be taping and watching my session for study purposes (which I thought was cool), but it was hearing the people behind it moving around, shuffling, talking. I tried not to look, but the curiosity was killing me! I felt like I was on 'Law and Order' in the famous interrogation room with the one way glass!
I want an attorney!
This is just a psych evaluation. You're not under arrest.
I plead the fifth! And stop playing that 'bad cop/good cop' routine with me!
Miss, we're not police, we are doctors. We are going to evaluate you to see if you are an ideal candidate for this form of therapy.
Okay - is this Candid Camera? Where is the camera? Hello?!?

That was a funny outrageous scenario I ran through my head. I don't thing that the head shrinkers would have found it as funny as I did though...

So 2 hours later, after cracking open my head and examining my complete history from childhood to yesterday, they took a few minutes to break and discuss - ME! LOL! I sat in the nice plushy waiting area, sinking into and enjoying the oversized couches and room with lots of windows (this wing of the hospital used to be an old mansion on the hill, so many of the rooms are transformed into offices and waiting rooms in the actual rooms!) 5 minutes, 10, 15 passed and the two docs emerged. They brought me back into the room. I felt like I was going through my second interview for an important job! I was nervous because they could have said: "You're beyond home Miss Kitty, so back to the pack of hungry wolves you go!". But they didn't. They said that they had a very interesting conversation about me (???!!??) and thought I would be an ideal candidate for this kind of therapy. I was so relieved. Help! At last. BUT (there is always a but) therapy only starts in JULY!! AHHHH!! But the way I see it, I got in, and that is a step in the right direction. I am going to get help and follow a course of therapy which I think will change my life completely - for the better.

WOW! I feel like I have been run over by a whole fleet of busses! Time to go and have a bowl of chicken soup and flush this bug out of my system!!!!!!!!!

Wow.

This guy's stuff is amazing!
The writing, the poetry, the images...
WOW.
Amazing stuff Lorenzo!

Blogger Death Wish

Alright.
Somebody at blogger headquarters has a death wish.

I just hit publish on the bottom after spending 45 minutes writing one of the more brilliant blogs I have written in a long time, and before I had a chance to blink - a window came up saying 'blog not found'.


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

WHAT THE FUCK!!!
(sorry, but I am REALLY UPSET!!!!)

I wrote all about my wonderful experience yesterday, meeting with the whole cast, hearing them telling me how they LOVED the script, how we all did this amazing exercise to 'break down the barriers', how we all bonded and I began to feel the energy of the whole room transform into such a glowing light. How I told Charlotte that we were on the path to success. How I felt completely lifted, rejuvenated, elated and excited at this huge endeavor that I actually saw through.

I am about to scream, rip apart my office, bawl my eyes out, jump out the window, take a shit fit upset.

Now you idiots at blogger, that is just cruel...

You can now be sure that you won't be getting any free tickets to our show...

losers.

I guess I will just have to post again the next time I have 45 minutes to blow of what is left of my little precious energy.

What a way to ruin a great day.

Thanks for nothing Bloogidiots.

And so it's news because someone from The Sopranos has it!??

This freaked me out tonight.
A news headline on Yahoo:

Sopranos Psychiatrist Gets Tough on Depression

And what is the big deal? Ooooh! What a strange yet paradoxical paradox!! The shrink on the the Sopranos - Lorraine Bracco gets depressed in real life!! How fucked up is that??!!

Well! Let me tell you! Its not half as fucked up as having to go through it yourself, not having millions and easy access to HMO's and real shrinks as these people in Hollywood do - real life in my life is being dragged through the failing system and end up being shoved around, almost to every hospital after a suicide attempt only to have them tell you: "You're not being seen by a psychiatrist? Well, we can't give you anything more than a tranquilizer."
"So let me see a shrink!"
"Well, the waiting lists to see one is between 8 -14 months..."
"So meanwhile, while I slowly lose my mind?..."
"Yes, just take these pills and if it's not better tomorrow, contact your family doctor..."


Yep, life is easy when you have lots of money...

Bracco admits she suffered through a full year of what she calls "joylessness" before seeing her own doctor for help against depression.

Oh honey, joylessness? You gotta be kidding me? How about feeling sickness, feeling like your skin is covered in 10000 ants - nessness, or feeling like the whole world is out to kill you -nessness. I only wished to feel 'joylessness'. For me, that would have been happiness.

"I was doing what I was supposed to be doing, but I wasn't experiencing it. Whatever I had to do -- whether it was being interviewed, or a movie premiere, or making oatmeal for the kids in the morning -- I did it, but without any sense of fun."

I read this and I almost had a stroke because I was laughing so hard and so short of breath. Lady - when is making oatmeal for the kids supposed to be fun?? And you complain about THAT??? Why don't you complain about something real, like crying for 5 hours straight in a cationic state where your only way out of it was sleep? Why don't you consider 'non-fun' being completely out of control in both body and mind, running out into the middle of traffic at rush hour just so you can end the unbelievable frustration and hopelessness you feel that you are being shafted by the system as you are being swept under the rug? Fun... Bitch, I would have traded my left ovary just to be able to feel that waking up in the morning was not going to be the challenge of my life...

Depression gets a hold on you, and the longer you wait, the harder it is to get out."

I don't believe you wrote that. You must have a bi-polar publicists.

That type of denial and procrastination is typical of many depressed individuals, said psychiatrist Dr. Patrice Harris, who is working with Bracco and drugmaker Pfizer Inc. on a campaign and Web site (DepressionHelp.com) that urges people to spot depressive symptoms early and seek out care.

Denial? Procrastination? Typical? You are such a greedy corporate fuck. Pfizer - go figure. Monsters. Making prozac and having a monopoly on the formula so no 'generic' pills could be made so people who eat bread for their three meals a day so they can actually afford them? Denial? I was not in denial when it would cost me close to $300/month for prozac that I had to cough up out of my own savings because I didn't have any kind of health plan? Denial over the withdrawal symptoms of some of your 'so called' ani-depressants? Hmm, lets see, suicidal tendencies, nausea, paranoid thoughts, depression, anxiety? Hmm, I wonder if those kids that were being taken off their meds and committed suicide after it was found that the pills were creating more harm than good to their already fragile system??
Think about that one Doc...

As far as researchers can tell, much of the biology of depression relies on an imbalance in amounts of a specific brain chemical called serotonin. While psychotherapy can help fight depression, medications called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) try to re-balance serotonin levels, and thus correct the problem. SSRIs include drugs such as Celexa, Paxil, Prozac and Zoloft.

Drugs such as (names like ripyouoff, robyoublind, lifefuckerupper and makeyouworse) correct the problem... NOT!

Beginning this spring, antidepressants are to begin carrying a "black box" label warning of the potential suicide risk among children and teens.

Geee guys, you're so considerate! Thanks for the warning labels. Now only the handful of families who lost their children because of your 'warning of so called risks' will be the only losers in this whole campaign.

'For me, it was one of the most important decisions I made, I just regret not going for help earlier," she said. "I suffered for a year -- why?" says Bracco.

Ms. Bracco, welcome to the world of mental illness where stigma, fear and ignorance roam free amidst the land of corporate greed.

"Depression is scary to people, they're afraid and I really want to help lift that taboo," Bracco said, stressing that Zoloft is just one of many SSRIs with proven effectiveness. "If one doesn't work for you, there are others."

Okay, I take it back, maybe you are not such a greedy rich bitch after all, maybe you really did suffer, but I still think it's your publicists that is telling you to say these things...

In the meantime, Sopranos fans across the country may be feeling a little blue missing their weekly dose of Tony, Carmella, Paulie, Silvio and the gang.

OH MY GOD!! QUICK ! IT'S A CRISIS! CALL THE PROZAC POLICE!!!

This stuff really stirs my cauldron.
Sorry for the rant.

Electrical Storm

'If the sky can crack, there must be some way back
for love and only love.'

It's all about the energy...

I was with my best galpal friend today - we went over to her friend's house and took some pictures. The sky was overcast and grey. It was cold as hell, but inside the apartment, it felt like a huge warm towel right out of the dryer. Comfortable.

I really like the character of old houses - there is a certain polite charm in the architecture. The way the mouldings are stained, the curve in arch ways above the hallways, textured wallpaper - tiny Victorian flowers and pinstripes, now painted white, only the raised details noticeable. The vertical serpentine radiators underneath all the windows (back in the days of oil heating). And the windows - glass still framed by weathered wood. Pleaceful

Don't you just love this place?
I like the energy. It's very good energy.

You must be thinking "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS GIRL TALKING ABOUT?"
I am not a freak or charlatan. I just feel things.
Some people see dead people (well, I only see them in my dreams), some people can predict the future within a certain degree of accuracy.

My stchick is sensing energy.

I can gauge it's intensity, positive or negative. I sometimes wonder if the people at NASA might find something interesting to do with me? (Okay, all you statisticians, brainiacs and logistics people - hang on to your slide rules, and Theories of Relativity. You can say all you want about the numerical probabilities about coincidences, and on and on. If you want to pontificate after this post - DON'T!! I fated one guy eons ago who either was a) just being a prick or b) completely a walking super processor because he came up with every scientific reason why my theories never 'would fly in the real world.' I hate HATE people who don't have an open mind about life and all that happens in it. Shit does happen and sometimes, just sometimes, we can't explain it. DEAL WITH IT!!!)

Sorry.
Didn't mean to go on a rant like that.
I have now thrown my soapbox out the window.

So, energy.
We are all energy - billions of molecules, (or is it atoms - see, that's why I am an artist) dancing with eachother, in constant motion. These intense Salsa session between the atoms causes friction which gives off energy (is this right? I barely passed High School Physics). Energy is everywhere. I, just happen to be one of the weirdos that can feel it.

I won't go into the history or evolution of my history because that would be a book in itself. So to simplify matters - I will give you all an exercise:

So first, close your eyes. Maybe open your eyes, then walk over to the stove. Turn on only one element. Now close your eyes and pass your hand over all the elements one by one. One is hotter than the other, right? If not, your stove is broken. But if you have a functioning one, your hand and skin, even with your eyes closed, will know the difference. Well, I feel this kind of stuff from places, things and especially from people. And what I felt in that house was good energy. Really good energy.

Can you remember the last time you went to someone's house and it just felt 'like home'? Well, that's good energy. Have you ever been to someone's house that is so depressing, oppressive, or creepy? Okay, I think you get the idea. The Chinese have been working with energies for thousands of years! Hello Feng Shui (which I find so strange that people pronounce it Fung Shway) - a real cash cow for some laughing Buddha! I personally like to think that my house (and cluttered office) have a good balance. I am comfortable here. The house felt comfortable before we even moved in. It was just felt nice.

So, back at my friend's friend's apartment, I walked from room to room, inspecting the deco and glanced over the personal effects of the tenant. I felt calm. A real smooth calm. I shouted to my friend across the hall - 'This is good shit!" It was a nice atmosphere to take pictures in. And for a quickie photo shoot, the results were quite interesting. Will post those in a day or so.

I had met galpal's friend a few times. He had a tranquility about him, so peaceful, centered. Even though he was quiet at first, I sensed his kind and sensitive heart. The female consensus was -yes. Now, there are some people who just give off this kind of, well, strong energy! (I am not going to be able to get away from that word now). Let me give you an example; don't worry, it's not another exercise...

About two weeks ago, I met up with a friend whom I had not seen since October. When we first introduced, the initial reading I got from him was a good one, pleasant with lots of vitality, but a little on guard. Perhaps nervous, but trying to be 'a man' about it. Several months had passed and things in my life got crazy, he got a girlfriend and we only got a chance to catch eachtoher online. A few weekends again, one afternoon, I was at my galpal's house and out of the blue, I got a hunch to call my old friend. We got together the next day and had the most amazing Sunday! I guess you can say that our 'energies mesh' because when we hang out together, there is always this 'just below the human threshold of hearing' little rumble. The aftershock of an earthquake. Something is alive around, between and inside us.
Ohh oh. Here comes the exercise!

Another exercise you can do at home: think of the last time you were with your best friend, and the last time you laughed together. Didn't that feel great? Was the air not charged with positivity and happiness? Many people don't take theses moments to appreciate something that seems so simple yet is so complex - something that happens to us every day of our lives - our interaction with the energies around us. It's pretty special when you really think about it.

So the next time you meet someone, and they seem a little creepy to you, don't think twice. Something is wrong with their energies, and your body will tell you about it (either through your churning stomach, sweaty palms, urge to pee in one's pants). Go with your gut. I always do. And you know what? It has never steered me wrong!

So my bestest galpal A. - this is for you. Go find and take in the energy that makes you glow. Find that spark that illuminates your world. Follow that electrical current to where it needs to go - trust that it will take you where you need to be. Trust that you will find what you were looking for...

Time for me to get philosophical on your ass.

So this is the moment in my blog where I get philosophical on your ass. It's the part when I dig out some obscure quotes from my collection of inspirational writings' to address some fucked up moment in my life when my own words have decided to pack up and head for the hills, leaving me to become the babbling village idiot, walking around in circles, fighting off invisible mischievous sprites who swarm around my head like flies. These words, quotes, may not make much sense to you right now, but think about it. There is a universality about it if you let them sink in. Let them get under your skin. Absorb the awkwardness. Welcome it for a while, then tell me what you feel...


I've had better times of course - the halcyon days,
rings, ringlets, ashes of roses,
shit, Chantilly, high teas, drop scones, serge suits,
binding attachments, all that.

- Edna O'Brien

'I want to be first!
I want to be liked!'

(You can't get one and keep the other).

- Enid Bagnold

.

.

I want classic purity, where

dung is dung and angels are

angels.

-Henry Miller