Boy, I can write alot...
I just looked at a snipped of the 674 emails that I have sent out over the past year and 1/2 .
I tried to read one, but it kept on going on and on and on...
And this stuff is not fluff either - pretty interesting and well composed stuff.
I guess when inspiration hits - you gotta roll with the punches!
Did I mention that one of my peices is going to be up for auction at the Seattle Erotic Arts Festival?
Nice yes, but I don't get a cut of the profits - but 60% goes to a charity.
But I don't care - it will be a really swanky event with lots of press. I am hoping that it will open some doors for me.
Fate opened a door for me in NYC - I think it just might be the same for Seattle. It'll be my first time to the west coast. I'll be leaving at the end of the month for about 6 days. I am kinda nervous, but hell. It's all about feeling the fear and doing it anyway!
So here I was thinking I was just gonna write a few words, but no. I go off ranting again.
I am just hoping that one day, all of this drivel will mash into a book that will sell millions!
Well, hundreds if I'm lucky...
lol
"Your visions will become clear only when your can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams, who looks inside - awakes."
Carl Gustav Jung
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
I found Jesus...
Sometimes in life, it's the small things that matter the most.
And sometimes, when God speaks to us, he leaves behind little clues, solutions to things that once seemed impossible to solve, tools to uncover answers to questions we thought were indecipherable.
Little clues
scattered breadcrumbs
along our path
as we find our way back home.
And sometimes,
back home is where
the answers
always were...
Thank you DMStarr for this beautiful image...
(can you find the word Jesus in the photograph)
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Feel the coincidence and do it anyway...
Strange weekend.
Friday was just too bizarre.
I asked the universe for some answers, and I got hit in the head with one of those cartoon anvils - you know, the standard "Acme" type El coyote in the Bugs Bunny Cartoons - flying from the sky, crushing him into an accordion...
Well, after that afternoon, I took some anti-biotics to clear up some nasty infection, but luck would have it, these monster pills made me so sick, I have been in bed for the past 3 days.
I was supposed to go to a party last night. E went because he was part of the band, but I stayed behind, huddled under the covers, in front of the tube, cats pretending they were bookends on either side of my body. I slept on and off, feeling like a heap of wet rags, I went to bed early.
Midnight on a Saturday night is really early for me.
I woke up, stumbled around the house, heard E on the phone and made my way into the living room to find my cell phone. Trying to get my balance and shield my eyes from the afternoon sunlight, I felt my way into the shade towards the couch. Before I managed to sit down, I saw a book lying there.
It was a book that I lent to someone two years ago, a book that I have been waiting to get back for the longest time.
"Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway"
I had asked myself Monday night if I had the strength and conviction to stick to the course that my life is about to take - if I want it. If I can handle it. I took some quite time inbetween naps to roll it around in my mind.
And there is was - the answer. Staring me in the face was another breadcrumb on the way to my ultime goal that I have been secretly holding on to for so long - getting back into filmmaking.
feel the fear and do it anyway
I guess that strange coincidence answered my question.
***
off to sleep.
2mrw is a big day.
I will transcribe my Friday night dictation so I can post it here - make it real, readable.
Do it anyway...
Friday was just too bizarre.
I asked the universe for some answers, and I got hit in the head with one of those cartoon anvils - you know, the standard "Acme" type El coyote in the Bugs Bunny Cartoons - flying from the sky, crushing him into an accordion...
Well, after that afternoon, I took some anti-biotics to clear up some nasty infection, but luck would have it, these monster pills made me so sick, I have been in bed for the past 3 days.
I was supposed to go to a party last night. E went because he was part of the band, but I stayed behind, huddled under the covers, in front of the tube, cats pretending they were bookends on either side of my body. I slept on and off, feeling like a heap of wet rags, I went to bed early.
Midnight on a Saturday night is really early for me.
I woke up, stumbled around the house, heard E on the phone and made my way into the living room to find my cell phone. Trying to get my balance and shield my eyes from the afternoon sunlight, I felt my way into the shade towards the couch. Before I managed to sit down, I saw a book lying there.
It was a book that I lent to someone two years ago, a book that I have been waiting to get back for the longest time.
"Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway"
I had asked myself Monday night if I had the strength and conviction to stick to the course that my life is about to take - if I want it. If I can handle it. I took some quite time inbetween naps to roll it around in my mind.
And there is was - the answer. Staring me in the face was another breadcrumb on the way to my ultime goal that I have been secretly holding on to for so long - getting back into filmmaking.
feel the fear and do it anyway
I guess that strange coincidence answered my question.
***
off to sleep.
2mrw is a big day.
I will transcribe my Friday night dictation so I can post it here - make it real, readable.
Do it anyway...
Saturday, February 25, 2006
Holy fire within you...
I just love it when coincidences, like the ones that happened to me today pop into my life.
I am so wired and exhausted that I can't even begin to get into it. I really want to - believe me, this is one of those quintessential 'life as a sienfeld episode' moments.
It really was...
and it all started this morning when I decided to stuff into my already overstuffed purse this book. I didn't believe it when I read it. Threw out a question to the universe - and low and behold, that boomerang smacked me up the side of the head, it nearly knocked me unconscious.
I have to share with you something taken from the first chapter of the book.
Dr. Wayne quotes an ancient Hasidic saying:
"when you walk across the fields with your mind pure and holy, then from all the stones, and all the growing things, and all animals, the sparks of their soul come out and cling to you, and then they are purified and become a holy fire in you."
and that fire was stoked today
and as of now, it burns brightly.
I am so wired and exhausted that I can't even begin to get into it. I really want to - believe me, this is one of those quintessential 'life as a sienfeld episode' moments.
It really was...
and it all started this morning when I decided to stuff into my already overstuffed purse this book. I didn't believe it when I read it. Threw out a question to the universe - and low and behold, that boomerang smacked me up the side of the head, it nearly knocked me unconscious.
I have to share with you something taken from the first chapter of the book.
Dr. Wayne quotes an ancient Hasidic saying:
"when you walk across the fields with your mind pure and holy, then from all the stones, and all the growing things, and all animals, the sparks of their soul come out and cling to you, and then they are purified and become a holy fire in you."
and that fire was stoked today
and as of now, it burns brightly.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Forgot about this chapter
I have been so over my head with all kinds of things to do, I almost forgot this huge chunk of the story (heh. No pun intended.)
So here it is - the crater in her back. It's pretty shocking and didn't post the high resolution yet, but my mom is actually not freaked out by it, thinks it's quite interesting and considers it a battle scar that she wears proudly...
but as always, life tends to throw you a curve ball when you least expect it.
After seeing one oncologist today, he gave us some not so great news\prognosis. This is an excerpt from an email my mom wrote to her main surgeon explaining what happened and the kind of information she was given.
Unfortunately, doctor x did not have any alternatives for me. He did give me an option – interferon for one month through iv, followed by chemo 3 times/week for one full year, during which I would not be able to work. And to top things off, this treatment plan is designed for persons whose melanoma has spread to the lymph nodes. It does not improve survival chances for people like me whose melanoma has NOT spread to the lymph nodes. So, really there is not much point in going through the treatment.
We saw Doctor X today. He does not offer interferon for only one month. From what you had said, and what I had read, I believed that one month of interferon was definitely an option. But he says it is not. He did not seem very anxious to discuss any other treatment options. After waiting for 2 hours, my daughter and I were quite disappointed, because when I asked for his recommendation, he shrugged his shoulders. As you can imagine, after getting good news that the cancer had not spread, it seems that if it had in fact spread, I would have options. Now it seems that I do not.
And to top it all off, "the chance of increasing her chances of "survival" after a year of a chemo, which may not even be good for her, was only about 10%. So basically, regardless if she gets it or not, she's not in a very good situation, and it seems with this doctor, there is no middle ground.
Black or white.
I told her that it's in her best interest to get a 2nd opinion - "we do research, ask opinions, go from one dealer to another when we are buying a car to make sure we get the best deal, why can't you apply this to your health and prognosis? It is your body and your health! Shop around for the best and most feasable option for you!"
We are both in a mild state of shock right now, but the despair has turned into anger and frustration, which I beleive can be more productive in helping us find a solution and stir up the fighting spirit we need to fight this.
more updates soon.
(Feb 23rd)
Latest update - the surgeon who removed the tumor said that he would put us in touch with another surgeon at another hospital. If worse comes to worst, he will take her on himself. This guy is really gold.
The wound is about 8-% healed. I have to take another photo because it's just so freaky how the body regenerates itself.
what a ride...
So here it is - the crater in her back. It's pretty shocking and didn't post the high resolution yet, but my mom is actually not freaked out by it, thinks it's quite interesting and considers it a battle scar that she wears proudly...
but as always, life tends to throw you a curve ball when you least expect it.
After seeing one oncologist today, he gave us some not so great news\prognosis. This is an excerpt from an email my mom wrote to her main surgeon explaining what happened and the kind of information she was given.
Unfortunately, doctor x did not have any alternatives for me. He did give me an option – interferon for one month through iv, followed by chemo 3 times/week for one full year, during which I would not be able to work. And to top things off, this treatment plan is designed for persons whose melanoma has spread to the lymph nodes. It does not improve survival chances for people like me whose melanoma has NOT spread to the lymph nodes. So, really there is not much point in going through the treatment.
We saw Doctor X today. He does not offer interferon for only one month. From what you had said, and what I had read, I believed that one month of interferon was definitely an option. But he says it is not. He did not seem very anxious to discuss any other treatment options. After waiting for 2 hours, my daughter and I were quite disappointed, because when I asked for his recommendation, he shrugged his shoulders. As you can imagine, after getting good news that the cancer had not spread, it seems that if it had in fact spread, I would have options. Now it seems that I do not.
And to top it all off, "the chance of increasing her chances of "survival" after a year of a chemo, which may not even be good for her, was only about 10%. So basically, regardless if she gets it or not, she's not in a very good situation, and it seems with this doctor, there is no middle ground.
Black or white.
I told her that it's in her best interest to get a 2nd opinion - "we do research, ask opinions, go from one dealer to another when we are buying a car to make sure we get the best deal, why can't you apply this to your health and prognosis? It is your body and your health! Shop around for the best and most feasable option for you!"
We are both in a mild state of shock right now, but the despair has turned into anger and frustration, which I beleive can be more productive in helping us find a solution and stir up the fighting spirit we need to fight this.
more updates soon.
(Feb 23rd)
Latest update - the surgeon who removed the tumor said that he would put us in touch with another surgeon at another hospital. If worse comes to worst, he will take her on himself. This guy is really gold.
The wound is about 8-% healed. I have to take another photo because it's just so freaky how the body regenerates itself.
what a ride...
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
crop circles
So here it is - the massive battle wound. She is being a real trooper. Even a day after the surgery, we were able to joke about it and it's potential uses - change purse, passport holder, spare key pouch, drink holder....
Yea, we're a pretty twisted family, but if you can't laugh about this kind of stuff...
Yea, we're a pretty twisted family, but if you can't laugh about this kind of stuff...
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Your greatest creation is the life you lead...
check out this movie...
Tarnation has to be one of the most compelling documentaries I have seen in a long long time.
Filmmaker Jonathan Caouette's documentary on growing up with his schizophrenic mother -- a mixture of snapshots, Super-8, answering machine messages, video diaries, early short films, and more -- culled from 19 years of his life.
It was quite uncanny, seeing images of Jonathan acting, hearing his voice talking about his mother, his memories exploding and melting before our eyes as a blur of sounds, of panic in motion.
It was quite uncanny to see images of somebody being subjected to shock therapy (a medium shot of the rubber mouthpiece inserted into the mouth to prevent the patient from biting on their own tongue), and to see an old clip intercut as part of this montage, an image hauntingly familiar to me. It was actually quite bizarre and bordering on creepy - a panic and fear stricken lost mind, groping and clawing at the air around him, that look of despondency, vapid thoughts, industrial whirring sounds that start from the base of the spine and throb incessantly behind you eye sockets.
And while watching those images, I remembered that moment all too well.
I wasn't the only one who felt that way
the movie was an hour and 45 minutes. From the opening to the closing credits, I sat riveted to my couch. The cats made my stomach their trampoline, my legs their feline labyrinth, but nothing could pull my attention away.
Sometimes in life, you reach a period when suffering seems like a solitary experience. The pain and fear inside is unique as your DNA; but then sometimes, there is some one who reaches out, tugs on a hidden strand or two and in that moment, what seems like a tangled web are actually pieces of a common thread.
I now believe that the path to hell and back is a familiar one for many of us who have suffered, and perhaps, we have all seen each other at some point along the way.
and in my midst of creative angst, despair and worry, the tagline to the film speaks to me in so many, many ways.
Your greatest creation is the life you lead...
Tarnation has to be one of the most compelling documentaries I have seen in a long long time.
Filmmaker Jonathan Caouette's documentary on growing up with his schizophrenic mother -- a mixture of snapshots, Super-8, answering machine messages, video diaries, early short films, and more -- culled from 19 years of his life.
It was quite uncanny, seeing images of Jonathan acting, hearing his voice talking about his mother, his memories exploding and melting before our eyes as a blur of sounds, of panic in motion.
It was quite uncanny to see images of somebody being subjected to shock therapy (a medium shot of the rubber mouthpiece inserted into the mouth to prevent the patient from biting on their own tongue), and to see an old clip intercut as part of this montage, an image hauntingly familiar to me. It was actually quite bizarre and bordering on creepy - a panic and fear stricken lost mind, groping and clawing at the air around him, that look of despondency, vapid thoughts, industrial whirring sounds that start from the base of the spine and throb incessantly behind you eye sockets.
And while watching those images, I remembered that moment all too well.
I wasn't the only one who felt that way
the movie was an hour and 45 minutes. From the opening to the closing credits, I sat riveted to my couch. The cats made my stomach their trampoline, my legs their feline labyrinth, but nothing could pull my attention away.
Sometimes in life, you reach a period when suffering seems like a solitary experience. The pain and fear inside is unique as your DNA; but then sometimes, there is some one who reaches out, tugs on a hidden strand or two and in that moment, what seems like a tangled web are actually pieces of a common thread.
I now believe that the path to hell and back is a familiar one for many of us who have suffered, and perhaps, we have all seen each other at some point along the way.
and in my midst of creative angst, despair and worry, the tagline to the film speaks to me in so many, many ways.
Your greatest creation is the life you lead...
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Another pot hole in the road to recovery...
Well, the picture tells a thousand words. The absence of skin tells even more...
Monday, February 13, 2006
A tribute to female self portraiters
Aliette - one of the many beautiful and uber tallented photographers on flickr posted this tribute today.
It came at such a perfect time for me, and I am sure, many other women as well.
I think that women dont give themselves the credit they are due. Being a woman in a mans world is no easy slice of pie! But so many strong and brave women pave the way for the rest of us every day, along with those who have already paved the way in the past.
I was watching 60 minutes tonight, and there was this one GI, she must have been about 22 at the time of the incident, she had to have half of her skull removed because her jeep ran over a land mine, causing severe body and head injuries. She was in a coma for about 4 months, and the doctor said that she had a 2% chance of survival. When Mike Wallace interviewed her and heard this, he repeated - 2%!! To which she replied: well somebody had to be in that 2% so why couldnt it be me?
I was floored.
That was courage and determination beyond any shadow of a doubt.
She had to re-learn to walk, speak, eat even think again. Its taken her two long years, but she is a real trooper. And its women like that - women who are fearless, not only in the face of danger, but in the face of others and the world who deserve a little special attention and kudos.
Strong women - my mom, and all my fellow female self-portrait flickerites, we*ve come a long way baby!!!
It came at such a perfect time for me, and I am sure, many other women as well.
I think that women dont give themselves the credit they are due. Being a woman in a mans world is no easy slice of pie! But so many strong and brave women pave the way for the rest of us every day, along with those who have already paved the way in the past.
I was watching 60 minutes tonight, and there was this one GI, she must have been about 22 at the time of the incident, she had to have half of her skull removed because her jeep ran over a land mine, causing severe body and head injuries. She was in a coma for about 4 months, and the doctor said that she had a 2% chance of survival. When Mike Wallace interviewed her and heard this, he repeated - 2%!! To which she replied: well somebody had to be in that 2% so why couldnt it be me?
I was floored.
That was courage and determination beyond any shadow of a doubt.
She had to re-learn to walk, speak, eat even think again. Its taken her two long years, but she is a real trooper. And its women like that - women who are fearless, not only in the face of danger, but in the face of others and the world who deserve a little special attention and kudos.
Strong women - my mom, and all my fellow female self-portrait flickerites, we*ve come a long way baby!!!
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Good news!
Well, the news we have been waiting for is here.
But - we are not out of the woods 100% yet, but the news is good because it means my mom does not have to go through chemotherapy for a year. The biopsy of the lymph nodes that she had removed were 98% negative. The doctor spoke to the pathologist today during my mom's follow up this afternoon and the inital screening had been done - it was just the 2nd part of the test that was not completed yet. But the doctor assured us : if the inital results are negative, 9 times out of 10 they are negative when all the data is collected.
We were all so happy.
No, we were all so ELATED!
The past few days have been such a rush of emotions. I think I have lived 10 years compressed in a month. And the last week - well, my post last night said it all I think...
Today, I went to my mom's house. She was in good spirits. A little nervous , but didn't let it show. While she was getting ready, I peeked into her room. She was struggling with her hair (it's curly like mine) and said can you help me do something with this ?! Normally, I would have said - ah, just leave it like that, it's natural , but I remembered a friend's advice.
Do things with your mom - girly things like go shopping, put on makeup, take pictures before she goes through chemo. It's important for her to feel like she is still a woman and pretty. Chemo not only kills all the cancer cells, it also destroys your immune system and your sense of idenitiy. Help her to remember good one before she begins this difficult journey.
And so I did - put on her makeup. Her lids were droopy, lips depleted of their youthfull collagen, but it didn't matter. I made her look beautiful anyway. I could tell she really enjoyed being 'made up" even if it was only to see her oncologist - the man who would decide her fate and course of treatment for the next few months ahead.
She was optimistic, and didn't want to think about worst case scenario. Who does? Who would? And after seeing the plastic surgeon who looked at the gaping hole in her back, declairing it healthy and healing marveleouly, I saw the look of releif and color spring back into her face.
Now the final results.
Biopsy - negative or positive?
We sat outside the doctor's office - the three of us lined against the wall. Mom, best friend (sister by proxy) and me. Three strong women walking the plank over the waters of illness, knowing that death was an island too close to shore, but we keep our resolve. We are going to beat this. It will be negative.
My mom leaned over to me and said I was so optimistic up to now. I don't know what I'll do if it's positive. I mean, one year of chemo. That's alot. And what if it's spread?
We'll take it one day at a time. Like we've always done mom.
And she looked at me, as I have looked into her eyes so many times - wanting to beleive, hoping and trusting that she/I was right. It was a strange moment. I now understood what she must have gone through - trying to be optimistic, strong in the face of adversity and uncertantiy, and trusting that life will somehow give your the resolve and hope to see it all through.
After the diagnosis, my mom got up and thanked the doctor.
Can I give you a hug?
She was so cute.
She walked up to the tall doctor and hugged him hard. I am sure he knew that she was thankful.
I am sure that is a wonderful feeling - perhaps a balance when you tell someone that they only have a few months to live.
Sadness balances out the happiness.
Happiness balances out the sadness.
it's all in perfect working order.
After we left the office, I said to my mom and her friend: you know, happy hour has just started in most places...
We did'nt hit the bars. I think with the level of exhaustion that we were at, one sip of wine and all three of us would have been under the table. So instead we opted for delicious home made pizza and laughs at a local resturant.
And we laughed and laughed.
And I thank God, the universe, the bigger life force that we at least have one more chance, a little more time to be together.
Monday, February 06, 2006
2mrw is only a day away...
2mrw I go with my mom to the oncologist.
We will find out if the biopsy of her lymph nodes is positive or negative.
If positive - chemo for up to a year. Surgery to remove the rest of the lymph nodes too.
if negative - chemo only for a month, and of course, follow up treatments to make sure the cancer has not spread...
The words of the surgeon echo in my head...
yes, she's curable, but according to this scale (pulling out that fucken sliding scale) - with the depth and size of the tumour, she has 3 to 5 years at best... BUT every case is different, I'm just telling you what we are working with...
I think it's gonna be fucken weird - if the stuff comes back positive, and they give my mother this time line death sentence/best worst case scenario. I think we are all gonna flip.
I am getting more and more tired.
I am putting on weight - so much. Can't stop eating - it's disgusting. And i feel myself falling deeper and deeper into a depression. It's not so easy to pull myself up by my bootstraps anymore. This depression is deeper than not getting my way in the trivialities of life, it's more of a period of existential angst.
On the purely surface and self centered level, I ask: I'm, approaching 40 and what have I got to show for it? Who is going to take care of me when I'm old and grey? But on a deeper level, looking into myself I wonder: Is there any reason for suffering? Is there a light at the end of the tunnel? And the choices I make now in my life - is there a need for them to be based in a spiritual beleif system that would hopefully and according to the scriptures) save my soul when I die? Is this all just meaningless? Is there any point in suffering, and if there is, why would any God want to make us suffer - some more than others...
We celebrated my grandmother's 85th today. She was adorable. I bought her some blush, lipstick, an eyebrow pencil and a powder compact. She was thrilled: how did you know I wanted a compact like this!?
I helped her put on her makeup.
She was so pleased.
My mom got her some jewelry. We all sat together laughing and having souvlaki - her favourite food.
We went downstairs to bring her 50 plus flower arrangements to her room. She sat in her wheelchair, hunched, and tired. My mother went to hug her. My grandmother then turned to me: you take care of your mother K - she spent all her life taking care of us, you take care of her like she is taking care of me.
I nodded and smiled, gave her a hug and gave my mom a hug as E and I got ready to leave. I held my mom's hand and she looked at me: I am so afraid about 2mrw.
I looked at her and smiled: it'll be okay, you'll see.
I said goodbye and then walked down the hall and saw all the old people, slumped in their chairs, shuffling along in their walkers and felt sad, so very sad.
I am afraid, so very afraid.
I barely have enough strength to pull myself out of this thick black fog? How am I going to be able to be strong for them?
Do I have to fake my confidence ?
What do you do when you feel yourself spinning and sinking into a ditch that once pulled you down into the jaws of madness - a too close for comfort memory that is now hanging over my shoulder...
I cry every night, during the day when nobody is around, whenever my mind begins to rest - the moments in between rotations of the wheels in my mind.
The visuals, clear as day, the sounds - a voice to familiar and too painful to remember have become tar attached to the memory of the last words in my film...
"this depression, it grabs you, it suffocates you. I have no strength to go on. I am lost, I am afraid..."
I am so fucken scared. I feel that this is all going too fast.
Completely overwhelmed and feel so utterly alone.
I pray, but i don't know if I should bother.
I am lost.
I am afraid...
We will find out if the biopsy of her lymph nodes is positive or negative.
If positive - chemo for up to a year. Surgery to remove the rest of the lymph nodes too.
if negative - chemo only for a month, and of course, follow up treatments to make sure the cancer has not spread...
The words of the surgeon echo in my head...
yes, she's curable, but according to this scale (pulling out that fucken sliding scale) - with the depth and size of the tumour, she has 3 to 5 years at best... BUT every case is different, I'm just telling you what we are working with...
I think it's gonna be fucken weird - if the stuff comes back positive, and they give my mother this time line death sentence/best worst case scenario. I think we are all gonna flip.
I am getting more and more tired.
I am putting on weight - so much. Can't stop eating - it's disgusting. And i feel myself falling deeper and deeper into a depression. It's not so easy to pull myself up by my bootstraps anymore. This depression is deeper than not getting my way in the trivialities of life, it's more of a period of existential angst.
On the purely surface and self centered level, I ask: I'm, approaching 40 and what have I got to show for it? Who is going to take care of me when I'm old and grey? But on a deeper level, looking into myself I wonder: Is there any reason for suffering? Is there a light at the end of the tunnel? And the choices I make now in my life - is there a need for them to be based in a spiritual beleif system that would hopefully and according to the scriptures) save my soul when I die? Is this all just meaningless? Is there any point in suffering, and if there is, why would any God want to make us suffer - some more than others...
We celebrated my grandmother's 85th today. She was adorable. I bought her some blush, lipstick, an eyebrow pencil and a powder compact. She was thrilled: how did you know I wanted a compact like this!?
I helped her put on her makeup.
She was so pleased.
My mom got her some jewelry. We all sat together laughing and having souvlaki - her favourite food.
We went downstairs to bring her 50 plus flower arrangements to her room. She sat in her wheelchair, hunched, and tired. My mother went to hug her. My grandmother then turned to me: you take care of your mother K - she spent all her life taking care of us, you take care of her like she is taking care of me.
I nodded and smiled, gave her a hug and gave my mom a hug as E and I got ready to leave. I held my mom's hand and she looked at me: I am so afraid about 2mrw.
I looked at her and smiled: it'll be okay, you'll see.
I said goodbye and then walked down the hall and saw all the old people, slumped in their chairs, shuffling along in their walkers and felt sad, so very sad.
I am afraid, so very afraid.
I barely have enough strength to pull myself out of this thick black fog? How am I going to be able to be strong for them?
Do I have to fake my confidence ?
What do you do when you feel yourself spinning and sinking into a ditch that once pulled you down into the jaws of madness - a too close for comfort memory that is now hanging over my shoulder...
I cry every night, during the day when nobody is around, whenever my mind begins to rest - the moments in between rotations of the wheels in my mind.
The visuals, clear as day, the sounds - a voice to familiar and too painful to remember have become tar attached to the memory of the last words in my film...
"this depression, it grabs you, it suffocates you. I have no strength to go on. I am lost, I am afraid..."
I am so fucken scared. I feel that this is all going too fast.
Completely overwhelmed and feel so utterly alone.
I pray, but i don't know if I should bother.
I am lost.
I am afraid...
Friday, February 03, 2006
Body pockets
Not only did we have to wait almost 2 hours before we were seen, she has to go back next week to get the other bandage (the skin graft on her leg) redressed. Needless to say, as all things in my life – seeing what the doctors had cut away was quite the story…
Imagine if you will a hockey puck. A little larger than the palm of your hand and perfectly round, or, as I like to refer to it – the size and thickness of a Mae West. Now take that hockey puck (or Mae West) and place it just below your shoulder blade. Imagine that this thing has burnt a hole in your skin a few layers deep, or think of a cookie cutter making its way through a mound of dough, leaving only a deep outline of what used to be there.
Well, that was my mom’s back!
It was quite the sight. I thought I was going to faint! And this is coming from someone who has witnessed brain and spinal surgeries. I think what made the difference was the fact that it was my mom – somebody I knew. It was hard to objectify the wound as an entity on its own when the voice I have known since birth is on the other side of this gaping hole.
So standing behind my mom and the surgeon, we saw the remainder of the bandages peel away. B was standing next to me; I was surprised that she didn’t faint, and she was quite surprised at herself as well. Fascinated and revolted at the same time, like curious monkeys, we leaned in closer to look at this strange moon shaped crater.
Hpk – you should have brought your camera! And I did forget, but the opportunity was not lost. Betty dug around in her purse and pulled out her telephone.
“Ah ha! We’ll take pictures with this!”
She leaned closer to the wound, lifted up the device and pressed a button.
SHLINK!
I was sure that sound could be heard down the hallway and into the next ward!
The surgeon, as professional as he was, let us indulge in our fascination and snap away a few more from different angles and various states of wound re-dressing.
The whole experience was surreal – there was my mother on an examination table, bare back facing us, talking about how her hump, lovely lady hump made for complicated bath rituals, and this huge gaping circle looking back at us. And it was deep.
At least ½ inch, if not more and perfectly round. My curiosity overrode my shock as I leaned in for one more shot.
The wound is healing nicely, no infection.
And in that moment, I realized how amazing the human body really is – able to regenerate itself, able to have tissue from one area taken off and replace another spot that is lacking an epidermis. How this wound, this HUGE wound was able to seal itself off at the edges of the incisions so that surrounding sink would be exposed, how there seemed to be a protective barrier between the muscles and network of veins and nerves just below the surface of the graft. It’s incredible – the body’s design to be able to continue functioning even when part of it has been removed. Taking a quote from Deepak Chopra who talks about the intricate nature of the body machine - millions of years of evolution can’t be wrong!
She will be going back on Tuesday to have the wound re-dressed once again, and have the protective layer on the graft (on her thigh) removed. This square that covers the wound looks like a thin sheet of warn, weathered rawhide. I can’t wait to see what lies underneath – because at this moment, as she lay sleeping, billions of cells are working around the clock to heal and rebuild that one spot.
It’s like Christmas all over again!!
we had a good time after though – we poked fun at her new storage compartment.
It looks like a speaker – a car speaker to be exact, the ones that already come preinstalled with the car…
This would be a good place to store a sip sack, or a little Ziplocs filled with Gatorade, and we can attach a bendy straw that will go from the pouch on your back, you’re your shoulder and into your mouth. Hands free drinking!
When you travel to foreign countries, you won’t need a money belt; you can just stash
your extra cash and passport into the hole in your back! Nobody would ever think to look
there!
The CIA can stick a little surveillance device there, and use one of your moles as the hole
for the camera to see through. But you’d have to be wearing backless dresses a lot. Not
very practical in the winter though…
If you keep on losing your car keys…
It can be fitted with a remote sensor so that you can open doors just by pressing on it –
like those round discs with the handicap symbol on them which you see near entrances
and exits.
It was good to have a laugh about that. And laugh we did. Hearty, gut wrenching giggles and chuckles. I really think the healing process begins and can be accelerated with a little humor…
(why is blogger acting so stupid and reformatting my text?)
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Me, moi, yo, io...
This was my daily ohm for yesterday.
There are days when the timing of these things makes so much sense - as this one did...
I have been spending so much time being the good daughter, girlfriend, friend, pet owner that my needs have been going unmet. I am just going on automatic pilot. I think my body is starting to take notice and wave some red flags in protest.
January 31, 2006
The Importance Of You
Aries Daily Horoscope
You might be feeling introspective today and may want to spend some time alone. There may be thoughts that are weighing heavily on your mind and need your undivided attention. Perhaps there are new intentions that you'd like to set. Even if you are busy today, consider making time to be with yourself. Everyone needs time to nurture themselves and cultivate their ideas so they can bring them forth onto the physical plane. If you find that people are clamoring for your attention, give yourself permission to tell them that you are unavailable for a while. You might also think about silencing the phone or turning off the radio or television. Nestle into a favorite chair and meditate; or take a solitary walk today in an area that calms and soothes you, so that your mind can be free to turn inward.
Time spent in personal reflection is time spent reconnecting with ourselves. This practice fosters a deeper understanding within us of what is most meaningful in our lives. It also gives us a chance to work through anything that might be puzzling us. When we spend time with ourselves, away from distractions, we can hear our inner voice speaking to us more clearly. You also spend time engaging one-on-one with one of the most important people in your life-you. Allow yourself time and space alone with your thoughts today, and you will find that you have many answers to the questions in your life.
There are days when the timing of these things makes so much sense - as this one did...
I have been spending so much time being the good daughter, girlfriend, friend, pet owner that my needs have been going unmet. I am just going on automatic pilot. I think my body is starting to take notice and wave some red flags in protest.
January 31, 2006
The Importance Of You
Aries Daily Horoscope
You might be feeling introspective today and may want to spend some time alone. There may be thoughts that are weighing heavily on your mind and need your undivided attention. Perhaps there are new intentions that you'd like to set. Even if you are busy today, consider making time to be with yourself. Everyone needs time to nurture themselves and cultivate their ideas so they can bring them forth onto the physical plane. If you find that people are clamoring for your attention, give yourself permission to tell them that you are unavailable for a while. You might also think about silencing the phone or turning off the radio or television. Nestle into a favorite chair and meditate; or take a solitary walk today in an area that calms and soothes you, so that your mind can be free to turn inward.
Time spent in personal reflection is time spent reconnecting with ourselves. This practice fosters a deeper understanding within us of what is most meaningful in our lives. It also gives us a chance to work through anything that might be puzzling us. When we spend time with ourselves, away from distractions, we can hear our inner voice speaking to us more clearly. You also spend time engaging one-on-one with one of the most important people in your life-you. Allow yourself time and space alone with your thoughts today, and you will find that you have many answers to the questions in your life.
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Fuck off blogger, microsoft and intel
I just spent the last half hour blubbering my lungs out about my fear of losing my mom, how I feel pretty shitty that I can't really do anything to change the diagnosis, listing the types of people who have come forward to help/lend a shoulder to cry on - and I press one renegade key - and everything disappeared!
I guess that says a lot about my state of mind/heart right now.
I tend to put all my eggs in one basket - run headlong into something without checking if the breaks work and then when it's too late - crash.
I am still reeling from all of this - and am a little disturbed as to whom I can really confide in about this - my struggle, fears, sadness.
There are some friends I have, but they have their own lives and problems, but it stings nonetheless when you reach for someone and they yank their hand away because they are too going through some imbalance.
I feel that no matter where you turn - you're fucked.
Sure, I can get all Zen on your ass - about going with the flow, Ophra-izing all of this tragedy into "stages of learning" and working past the pain, but who am I kidding.
When you need someone to listen - when you hope that somebody will be there to help and they retract into their own thing, it bites.
Is this selfish? Is this being self-centered? Being self-absorbed?
I don't know what the fuck it is, but it is getting me really down.
Confused.
I don't want answers, I just want a hint.
Just one fucken hint...
I guess that says a lot about my state of mind/heart right now.
I tend to put all my eggs in one basket - run headlong into something without checking if the breaks work and then when it's too late - crash.
I am still reeling from all of this - and am a little disturbed as to whom I can really confide in about this - my struggle, fears, sadness.
There are some friends I have, but they have their own lives and problems, but it stings nonetheless when you reach for someone and they yank their hand away because they are too going through some imbalance.
I feel that no matter where you turn - you're fucked.
Sure, I can get all Zen on your ass - about going with the flow, Ophra-izing all of this tragedy into "stages of learning" and working past the pain, but who am I kidding.
When you need someone to listen - when you hope that somebody will be there to help and they retract into their own thing, it bites.
Is this selfish? Is this being self-centered? Being self-absorbed?
I don't know what the fuck it is, but it is getting me really down.
Confused.
I don't want answers, I just want a hint.
Just one fucken hint...
Friday, January 27, 2006
Melancholy's greek roots are black and bile...
I got a call from my bro E.
He just called to check up to see how I was doing.
He is my bro - but I have two sisters - one from high school (she adopted me into her family of four brothers and 4 sisters), and the other one from a snowy scandanavian country who has been both mentor and mentee during our friendship. A nice family - considering that I don't have any biological brothers or sisters...
The last time we spoke on the phone was just after our little trip to NYC - It was Thelma and Louise and Carrie Bradshaw. E, Pet and myself on the road on the I-98, singing and laughing all the way. It was the shortest 36 hours I have spent - it flew by in a blink of an eye, but each minute was super charged with fun and memories that will last me a lifeitme.
He called to say hi - to see how I was doing after the whole thing with my mom - now that she was home, after the operation, how I was holding up, how we were feeling. It was nice to know that people care - that some people are not afraid of getting involved in other people's lives becasue things can get too sticky. I am so very happy I have my friends - my bro and sisters. Without them, I don't think I would be riding out this storm so well, so gracefully.
Am I waiting for the other shoe to drop?
I don't know.
it all seems so surreal...
melan- + cholE (greek origins - black and biles)
Why does being melancholy have such a bleek gramatical historical root?
When I feel melancholy, I don't experience any sickness or upset. It's actually the opposite - I get a warm, mushy - sitting in the sun - warm all over feeling. Sitting with my mother tonight, I remember when we took our roadtrip to Boston - Cape Cod years ago. Sure, we fought. What mother and teenage daughter don't fight; but there were good times. I felt melancholy about that summer, those times we spent together. I wonder what our next trip will be, and if we are doomed to have our last too soon...
Memories - melancholy - a slice of temporal cheese cake that is nice to indulge in, but done too often, can easily cause heartburn and sometimes, even heartache.
Black bile...
I wonder what the origin of melancholy would have been if the ancient greeks had discovered Tums or Rolaids...
He just called to check up to see how I was doing.
He is my bro - but I have two sisters - one from high school (she adopted me into her family of four brothers and 4 sisters), and the other one from a snowy scandanavian country who has been both mentor and mentee during our friendship. A nice family - considering that I don't have any biological brothers or sisters...
The last time we spoke on the phone was just after our little trip to NYC - It was Thelma and Louise and Carrie Bradshaw. E, Pet and myself on the road on the I-98, singing and laughing all the way. It was the shortest 36 hours I have spent - it flew by in a blink of an eye, but each minute was super charged with fun and memories that will last me a lifeitme.
He called to say hi - to see how I was doing after the whole thing with my mom - now that she was home, after the operation, how I was holding up, how we were feeling. It was nice to know that people care - that some people are not afraid of getting involved in other people's lives becasue things can get too sticky. I am so very happy I have my friends - my bro and sisters. Without them, I don't think I would be riding out this storm so well, so gracefully.
Am I waiting for the other shoe to drop?
I don't know.
it all seems so surreal...
melan- + cholE (greek origins - black and biles)
Why does being melancholy have such a bleek gramatical historical root?
When I feel melancholy, I don't experience any sickness or upset. It's actually the opposite - I get a warm, mushy - sitting in the sun - warm all over feeling. Sitting with my mother tonight, I remember when we took our roadtrip to Boston - Cape Cod years ago. Sure, we fought. What mother and teenage daughter don't fight; but there were good times. I felt melancholy about that summer, those times we spent together. I wonder what our next trip will be, and if we are doomed to have our last too soon...
Memories - melancholy - a slice of temporal cheese cake that is nice to indulge in, but done too often, can easily cause heartburn and sometimes, even heartache.
Black bile...
I wonder what the origin of melancholy would have been if the ancient greeks had discovered Tums or Rolaids...
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Going home...
Well, she came home today. She was discharged at noon and we were there to pick her up. She was waling around, a little slower than usual, but getting around nonetheless. I know she was anxious to get out of there – lying in a room with three other sick men does not make a lady feel good…
She seems to be doing okay.
I think I am doing okay as well, but sometimes I feel as if this is all a dream, and that she does not have anything, that this was just an operation…
I am waiting for the other shoe to drop – the bad news to come screaming into my life like a heroine addict that’s gone days without a fix.
Can she be fixed?
I refuse to believe that this can kill her.
But the reality is there, isn’t it any cut and dry answers. People die from cancer all the time, but then again, there are so many people who survive! So many people are saying: “it’s all in the attitude”. I wonder what it will be like when she starts chemo, when she begins to lose her hair, when she begins to get weak and sick from the treatment – will the will to live still be there, as strong as it is now?
God knows when I was at my worst during my episodes; nothing could have made me want to sick around to see any possibilities for a cure.
I didn’t even care if I lived or died.
Everything was bleak and lifeless.
I am very afraid.
Money is another issue.
I feel as if I am constantly being tested – my friend is selling his lite kit – 700$. A steal for what it’s worth. Then there is the art festival in Seattle in March. And then, and then, and then…
The list is endless, but my time and pocket book are not.
And that freaks me out too.
And my body is in a state of revolt – I think I might have some cyst on my ovary acting up again. The right one feels like its being stoked with a really sharp pencil. I had that before – PCOS – poly –cystic –ovarian –syndrome. Sometimes these little cysts get nasty.
Sometimes they turn cancerous.
So many people have cancer – I can’t help but think that in some strange way, I might be next. Either that or turning 40 will come first – and both will send me into a complete crisis.
She seems to be doing okay.
I think I am doing okay as well, but sometimes I feel as if this is all a dream, and that she does not have anything, that this was just an operation…
I am waiting for the other shoe to drop – the bad news to come screaming into my life like a heroine addict that’s gone days without a fix.
Can she be fixed?
I refuse to believe that this can kill her.
But the reality is there, isn’t it any cut and dry answers. People die from cancer all the time, but then again, there are so many people who survive! So many people are saying: “it’s all in the attitude”. I wonder what it will be like when she starts chemo, when she begins to lose her hair, when she begins to get weak and sick from the treatment – will the will to live still be there, as strong as it is now?
God knows when I was at my worst during my episodes; nothing could have made me want to sick around to see any possibilities for a cure.
I didn’t even care if I lived or died.
Everything was bleak and lifeless.
I am very afraid.
Money is another issue.
I feel as if I am constantly being tested – my friend is selling his lite kit – 700$. A steal for what it’s worth. Then there is the art festival in Seattle in March. And then, and then, and then…
The list is endless, but my time and pocket book are not.
And that freaks me out too.
And my body is in a state of revolt – I think I might have some cyst on my ovary acting up again. The right one feels like its being stoked with a really sharp pencil. I had that before – PCOS – poly –cystic –ovarian –syndrome. Sometimes these little cysts get nasty.
Sometimes they turn cancerous.
So many people have cancer – I can’t help but think that in some strange way, I might be next. Either that or turning 40 will come first – and both will send me into a complete crisis.
Monday, January 23, 2006
Road to Nowhere
This beautiful photo echoes every feeling, mood, thought that I am going through right now.
Mom's surgery is scheduled for 2morrow. I am staying over at her house and then going to the hospital with her in the morning. My life will be on pause for a while. It's scaring me to no end. I can't even begin to imagine how scary it will be for her.
I don't even want to begin to imagine...
I am feeling like I am lost in a fog - somewhere between reality and dreams, where sounds are muffled and soft echoes of orchestra strings fade off into the distance. This all seems like a dream.
We have yet to receive a prognosis from the PET scan. We are hoping that no news is good news...
Mom's surgery is scheduled for 2morrow. I am staying over at her house and then going to the hospital with her in the morning. My life will be on pause for a while. It's scaring me to no end. I can't even begin to imagine how scary it will be for her.
I don't even want to begin to imagine...
I am feeling like I am lost in a fog - somewhere between reality and dreams, where sounds are muffled and soft echoes of orchestra strings fade off into the distance. This all seems like a dream.
We have yet to receive a prognosis from the PET scan. We are hoping that no news is good news...
Friday, January 20, 2006
Rose
This is for my mom - she is going into surgery next Tuesday and we are all waiting on pins and needles as to what the prognosis is.
Her name is RoseMarie - Rose for short...
Thank you spiritedTurtle for this beautiful shot.
Her name is RoseMarie - Rose for short...
Thank you spiritedTurtle for this beautiful shot.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Two Guys and Chick in a car...
Well, did it again!
Went to nyc on the weekend and I had a BLAST!!!
Serious fun and crazy stuff!
Went with two of my bro's - P (he played the transvestite and the Gino in my play) and E (who played Big opposite to Carrie Bradshaw) and a nice roomy rental, headed down the I-89 Friday night - a back seat filled with junk food, 6 king cans of beer, and a really expensive bottle of Elizabeth Arden Anit-Wrinkle cream*
At first, it was just supposed to be E and myself, but a last minute phone call from P added to our possé. It was like being with 1/3 of the gang from Sex and La Cité all over again! And boy, was it just like the old days - only better! We were actually on our way to New York City - 3 Montrealers going to visit Montrealer #4! (how creepy is that - we were our own Carrie, Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte!!)
Charlotte - Z
Miranda - E
Samantha - P
and of course - moi as Carrie!!
Hmm, potential script idea!!
Well, carrying on with our story...
Friday Afternoon into the evening...
* That's the Elizabeth Arden incident - that will come in another post...
Went to nyc on the weekend and I had a BLAST!!!
Serious fun and crazy stuff!
Went with two of my bro's - P (he played the transvestite and the Gino in my play) and E (who played Big opposite to Carrie Bradshaw) and a nice roomy rental, headed down the I-89 Friday night - a back seat filled with junk food, 6 king cans of beer, and a really expensive bottle of Elizabeth Arden Anit-Wrinkle cream*
At first, it was just supposed to be E and myself, but a last minute phone call from P added to our possé. It was like being with 1/3 of the gang from Sex and La Cité all over again! And boy, was it just like the old days - only better! We were actually on our way to New York City - 3 Montrealers going to visit Montrealer #4! (how creepy is that - we were our own Carrie, Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte!!)
Charlotte - Z
Miranda - E
Samantha - P
and of course - moi as Carrie!!
Hmm, potential script idea!!
Well, carrying on with our story...
Friday Afternoon into the evening...
* That's the Elizabeth Arden incident - that will come in another post...
Thursday, January 12, 2006
bird of life
This was taken by one of my fave photographers on Flickr - his screen name is Janesdead and his images are brilliant!! Each one has an essence of magic and brilliance that just touches me so deeply that when I see them, I just can't help but to be lifted up. He dedicated this photo to me and my mother "for hpk and family - love and hugs".
I know that my mom is really being lifted up by all the positive attention and love she is getting from everyone. Outpourings of sympathy and encouragement are just coming out of the woodwork, and I know it keeps her feeling positive, which makes me breathe easier. But it's still hard.
She is my mom, I have always counted on her for support, and to think that she might not be around to see me 'finally break into the buisness', she might not be around to see my first feature film breaks my heart to peices, but I can't think that far ahead. Like she said, one step at a time. And I hope each step she takes, God is with her the whole way.
Thank you Sheldon
You are such a beautiful soul and I thank you for coming into my and my mother's life.
ooxoxx
I know that my mom is really being lifted up by all the positive attention and love she is getting from everyone. Outpourings of sympathy and encouragement are just coming out of the woodwork, and I know it keeps her feeling positive, which makes me breathe easier. But it's still hard.
She is my mom, I have always counted on her for support, and to think that she might not be around to see me 'finally break into the buisness', she might not be around to see my first feature film breaks my heart to peices, but I can't think that far ahead. Like she said, one step at a time. And I hope each step she takes, God is with her the whole way.
Thank you Sheldon
You are such a beautiful soul and I thank you for coming into my and my mother's life.
ooxoxx
Update
So mom got a call from one of the doctors today - she is seeing the plastic surgeon 2mrw (I have to meet her at the hospital at 9am) and they will tell her what to expect. The doctor thinks that the cancer might has drained into the lymph nodes of the neck and possibly underneath her arms.
The lymphatic system is a complex system of fluid drainage and transport, and immune response and disease resistance. Fluid that is forced out of the bloodstream during normal circulation is filtered through lymph nodes to remove bacteria, abnormal cells and other matter. This fluid is then transported back into the bloodstream via the lymph vessels. Lymph only moves in one direction, toward the heart. Common areas where lymph nodes can be easily felt, especially if they are enlarged, are: the groin, armpits (axilla), above the clavicle (supraclavicular), in the neck (cervical), and the back of the head just above hairline (occipital).
From there, they might have to remove those organs and patch her up with some extra skin for a skin graft. She is really being strong and optimistic. I am really blown away by her resolve and zen like take on things. Really puts thing into perspective.
Alot of people are praying for her. She has been having dozens upon dozens of emails come in on a regular basis of people who are thinking of her. I think that alone is what is so encouraging for her..
The lymphatic system is a complex system of fluid drainage and transport, and immune response and disease resistance. Fluid that is forced out of the bloodstream during normal circulation is filtered through lymph nodes to remove bacteria, abnormal cells and other matter. This fluid is then transported back into the bloodstream via the lymph vessels. Lymph only moves in one direction, toward the heart. Common areas where lymph nodes can be easily felt, especially if they are enlarged, are: the groin, armpits (axilla), above the clavicle (supraclavicular), in the neck (cervical), and the back of the head just above hairline (occipital).
From there, they might have to remove those organs and patch her up with some extra skin for a skin graft. She is really being strong and optimistic. I am really blown away by her resolve and zen like take on things. Really puts thing into perspective.
Alot of people are praying for her. She has been having dozens upon dozens of emails come in on a regular basis of people who are thinking of her. I think that alone is what is so encouraging for her..
Monday, January 09, 2006
Epictetus and dealing with cancer
It's been a hard few days.
Mom has been swinging back and fourth between stability and objectivity to fear and dread. I know that she is going to be going through so many things in the next little while. I can't even begin to imagine how insane it must be, waiting for a diagnosis.
She said if the cancer has spread past the lymph nodes, the prognosis is 6-12 month.
that's how nasty melanoma can get.
it freaked the fuck out of me when she said that.
I would be crying my head off until I got the diagnosis, and then cry even more if that were the truth.
But she's not. She is one hell of an amazing woman. I think if anybody deserves a second chance, it should be her.
I pray every night now, send my wishes out to the universe, God, whoever is in charge of the big picture, and ask them to keep her alive and healthy.
Funny, and ironic. I never thought that this would happen to me, to my family, my mother.
I might be a prime candidate for melanoma as well. Fair skin and eyes. Just like mom.
Now every mole and pimple goes under scrutiny.
I came across this website - it's about Cognitive behavior therapy - CBT.
Apparently a philosopher named Epictetus (c. 50–138 AD) was the first to employ these methods. Here are some quotes that I had to put here. I will be refering back to them often as I have a feeling they will be keeping me grounded over the next while. I hope you enjoy them as well.
Control
Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: some things are within our control, and some things are not. It is only after you have accepted this fundamental rule, and learned to distinguish between what you can and cannot control, that inner tranquillity and outer effectiveness become possible.
Where trouble really comes from
Things themselves don’t hurt or hinder us. Neither do other people. How we view things and people is a different matter. Strange as it may seem at first, it is our own attitudes and reactions that give us the most trouble. We cannot always choose our external circumstances, but we can choose how we respond to them.
Legislating for the world
Circumstances do not arise to meet our desires or expectations. Events happen as they do. People behave according to their own inclinations and what they are faced with — which we may not even be aware of. Don’t try to make your own rules that the world is supposed to follow. That is a recipe for frustration. Exercise what influence you can, then accept what you actually get and make the most of it.
and the last is perhaps one of the most important ones, and the one that seems to apply to me the most right now...
Nothing to lose
Nothing can truly be taken from us. There is nothing to lose. Everything, including one's own life, is on loan from the world. Inner peace begins when we stop saying of things, "I have lost it," and instead say, "It has been returned to where it came from." The important thing is to take great care of what you have while the world lets you have it, just as a traveler takes care of a room at an inn.
Mom has been swinging back and fourth between stability and objectivity to fear and dread. I know that she is going to be going through so many things in the next little while. I can't even begin to imagine how insane it must be, waiting for a diagnosis.
She said if the cancer has spread past the lymph nodes, the prognosis is 6-12 month.
that's how nasty melanoma can get.
it freaked the fuck out of me when she said that.
I would be crying my head off until I got the diagnosis, and then cry even more if that were the truth.
But she's not. She is one hell of an amazing woman. I think if anybody deserves a second chance, it should be her.
I pray every night now, send my wishes out to the universe, God, whoever is in charge of the big picture, and ask them to keep her alive and healthy.
Funny, and ironic. I never thought that this would happen to me, to my family, my mother.
I might be a prime candidate for melanoma as well. Fair skin and eyes. Just like mom.
Now every mole and pimple goes under scrutiny.
I came across this website - it's about Cognitive behavior therapy - CBT.
Apparently a philosopher named Epictetus (c. 50–138 AD) was the first to employ these methods. Here are some quotes that I had to put here. I will be refering back to them often as I have a feeling they will be keeping me grounded over the next while. I hope you enjoy them as well.
Control
Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: some things are within our control, and some things are not. It is only after you have accepted this fundamental rule, and learned to distinguish between what you can and cannot control, that inner tranquillity and outer effectiveness become possible.
Where trouble really comes from
Things themselves don’t hurt or hinder us. Neither do other people. How we view things and people is a different matter. Strange as it may seem at first, it is our own attitudes and reactions that give us the most trouble. We cannot always choose our external circumstances, but we can choose how we respond to them.
Legislating for the world
Circumstances do not arise to meet our desires or expectations. Events happen as they do. People behave according to their own inclinations and what they are faced with — which we may not even be aware of. Don’t try to make your own rules that the world is supposed to follow. That is a recipe for frustration. Exercise what influence you can, then accept what you actually get and make the most of it.
and the last is perhaps one of the most important ones, and the one that seems to apply to me the most right now...
Nothing to lose
Nothing can truly be taken from us. There is nothing to lose. Everything, including one's own life, is on loan from the world. Inner peace begins when we stop saying of things, "I have lost it," and instead say, "It has been returned to where it came from." The important thing is to take great care of what you have while the world lets you have it, just as a traveler takes care of a room at an inn.
E=MCMilkshake
I could not resist.
Inkycat is just soo brilliant!
I will be back soon.
Mom's PET scan is tommorow. We are all waiting on pins and needles...
Inkycat is just soo brilliant!
I will be back soon.
Mom's PET scan is tommorow. We are all waiting on pins and needles...
Friday, January 06, 2006
how crazy is this???!!!
I just got word from a friend of mine in the biz. I met him when I was in NYC. We all had our photos as part of the flickr expo. He is super cool and is from LA and is now in NYC producing and doing cinematography for some work of his own. When I was down there about 3 weeks ago, we talked about doing some work together in the future. He saw my films and was very impressed with my cinematography and had a huge discussion about what life is like in the film biz. It was all really great - getting the other side of things. Needless to say, I was really happy that I had made this great contact who I considered to be a mentor for future work and cinema insight. God knows that I am going to need all the help I can get at this point!!!
So onto today. Here is my horoscope for the week beginning tomorrow. I am flipping....
Your Weekend: How far away is the future? About as far away as the past. And how far is that? Well, in one way, yesterday is distant and irrecoverable, yet the memory of it is instantly accessible. We can't remember tomorrow but that doesn't mean we can't instinctively instantly 'know' something of what it contains. You need, this weekend, to think about what you want to happen. Then you need to recognize that if you really work for this, you can make it happen. 2006 is not, repeat not, going to be a rerun of 2005.
I got an email from him about 10 minutes ago. He has a gig for me at the end of the month. 250/day cash for 3 day shoot. I'd be staying at his place (which is right in Manhattan) and I would be working with some really cool people. After that, he has another gig for me in February - low pay but the hours are long and working with a great crew and they are actually submitting these shorts for an Emmy in the new media category.
I am flipping. Nothing is written in stone - yet, but I am soo pumped. I am almost on the verge of hyperventilating!! AHAHHAH!
Can this be real? Can my dreams actually be starting to take shape?! I am freakign out. But the only thing is my mom's surgery. She goes in on the 17th of this month and will be in bed for the next month with her whole skin graft. I have a feeling that she will tell me to go - she knows ho much this means to me, but at the same time, I still would feel terribly guilty leaving her behind in a post-op state, especially since it's not an operation for apendeticis - it's fucken cancer... Well, time to ask the universe for a helping hand. And I'll need a big one at that!!!
Wish me luck...
So onto today. Here is my horoscope for the week beginning tomorrow. I am flipping....
Your Weekend: How far away is the future? About as far away as the past. And how far is that? Well, in one way, yesterday is distant and irrecoverable, yet the memory of it is instantly accessible. We can't remember tomorrow but that doesn't mean we can't instinctively instantly 'know' something of what it contains. You need, this weekend, to think about what you want to happen. Then you need to recognize that if you really work for this, you can make it happen. 2006 is not, repeat not, going to be a rerun of 2005.
I got an email from him about 10 minutes ago. He has a gig for me at the end of the month. 250/day cash for 3 day shoot. I'd be staying at his place (which is right in Manhattan) and I would be working with some really cool people. After that, he has another gig for me in February - low pay but the hours are long and working with a great crew and they are actually submitting these shorts for an Emmy in the new media category.
I am flipping. Nothing is written in stone - yet, but I am soo pumped. I am almost on the verge of hyperventilating!! AHAHHAH!
Can this be real? Can my dreams actually be starting to take shape?! I am freakign out. But the only thing is my mom's surgery. She goes in on the 17th of this month and will be in bed for the next month with her whole skin graft. I have a feeling that she will tell me to go - she knows ho much this means to me, but at the same time, I still would feel terribly guilty leaving her behind in a post-op state, especially since it's not an operation for apendeticis - it's fucken cancer... Well, time to ask the universe for a helping hand. And I'll need a big one at that!!!
Wish me luck...
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
holy crap - full throttle and other moments of sheer panic
ANOTHER LOST POST - NOTE TO SELF - FIND MY PLACE
I do my best work when I am under stress.
It's not a healthy thing mind you, and God forbid it kills me before I become famous, but I seem to get really focused and creative
and sometimes it just scares the living shit out of me
like now...
This is an email I sent to a gallery owner I met on Saturday.
After walking into his gallery - looking at the photos on the walls and telling e: "my shit is way better than this!" and having the gallery owner come over to me (I guess I must have made him wonder - who is that ballsy chick??!) and talk shop for over an hour.
And then went back again as we were leaving the Rhonda Schaller gallery (the one in chelsea - the gallery owner who just ADORES my work! I still can't get over that...) walking back into his studio, up to his desk and putting two of my prints down and said:
"this is my work. I will email you more when I get home. I hope this piqued your interest..."
E's comment: Holy crap! I'm so proud of you! You just walked in there, without a second thought, up to his desk and showed him your work! Talk about balls! You were acting like you were really in your element, and it was soo nice to see that again.
and I must say, I really did feel like I was in my element.
Could it have just been because I was in a New York State of mind?
Could it have been that I was "in vacation mode" where everything is surreal and honeymoon-state-ish?
Could it have been that I was on a manic high?
I can definitely say a big medicated no to the last one. I was calm, cool and collected both inside and out.
So what was it?
Now that I'm back in my cold, snowy, moldy bathroom element, I am beginning to question it all, which is about as toxic as the mold behind my walls.
This is the email I sent him today. Had been putting it off since I got back (oh yea, did I mention that I'm doing 3 more shoots in two days with Alex before he leaves for Brazil on the 17th? He wants to make the cover of a magazine and is set on us doing it. More stress. Stress. And more stress. Did I say that i was stressed?)
B,
I just wanted to thank you again for taking the time to talk with me about your gallery, your work and sharing your wisdom about the art world. I had a lot to think about on the ride home to home - where I am at as an artist, where I want to go with that art, and how I want my art to impact the world. Difficult questions with no easy answers, but answers nonetheless, which I beleive are constantly evolving as we evolve with our work.
Several points you had brought up resonated deep within me - almost a knowing, a realization that I'm at the point in my career where challenge is a necessary impetus for pushing my creative boundaries, and that your gallery's mission is to take on artists who are willing to take this route, who are willing to learn and grow.
Like I had mentioned - my own home town and nearby neighbor have both turned their backs on me, despite my many attempts to showcase my work, but in the light of our discussion, perhaps they are not ready for the strange and bold directions I am blazing in my photography, and perhaps that's a good thing - especially if places like New York are ready to embrace me (slowly and piece by piece), as they already have in the past and continue to do so.
I am sending you a link to some of my selected galleries:
insomniacs elixir
Blue - a journey within
bathroom series
and my strange fascination with bathrooms (some self-portraits included):
erotic neurotic bathroom
I hope that this is not an overwhelming group of images - (my current struggle with manic depression has made it hard for me to be objective) and that you'll find something that will pique your interest.
I hope that my work might find a home at your gallery because my intuition tells me that within this creative environment, evolution on an exponential level would be something that I would experience, and am definitely ready for. ..
It was a real pleasure meeting you and hope that our paths will cross again someday soon. Your dynamic energy and extraordinary creative presence really inspired me - thank you so very much.
Cheers,
HPK
and his reply a few hours later (which floored me - this guy means business...)
I do my best work when I am under stress.
It's not a healthy thing mind you, and God forbid it kills me before I become famous, but I seem to get really focused and creative
and sometimes it just scares the living shit out of me
like now...
This is an email I sent to a gallery owner I met on Saturday.
After walking into his gallery - looking at the photos on the walls and telling e: "my shit is way better than this!" and having the gallery owner come over to me (I guess I must have made him wonder - who is that ballsy chick??!) and talk shop for over an hour.
And then went back again as we were leaving the Rhonda Schaller gallery (the one in chelsea - the gallery owner who just ADORES my work! I still can't get over that...) walking back into his studio, up to his desk and putting two of my prints down and said:
"this is my work. I will email you more when I get home. I hope this piqued your interest..."
E's comment: Holy crap! I'm so proud of you! You just walked in there, without a second thought, up to his desk and showed him your work! Talk about balls! You were acting like you were really in your element, and it was soo nice to see that again.
and I must say, I really did feel like I was in my element.
Could it have just been because I was in a New York State of mind?
Could it have been that I was "in vacation mode" where everything is surreal and honeymoon-state-ish?
Could it have been that I was on a manic high?
I can definitely say a big medicated no to the last one. I was calm, cool and collected both inside and out.
So what was it?
Now that I'm back in my cold, snowy, moldy bathroom element, I am beginning to question it all, which is about as toxic as the mold behind my walls.
This is the email I sent him today. Had been putting it off since I got back (oh yea, did I mention that I'm doing 3 more shoots in two days with Alex before he leaves for Brazil on the 17th? He wants to make the cover of a magazine and is set on us doing it. More stress. Stress. And more stress. Did I say that i was stressed?)
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Wednesday, December 12, 2007 3:11 PM I just wanted to thank you again for taking the time to talk with me about your gallery, your work and sharing your wisdom about the art world. I had a lot to think about on the ride home to home - where I am at as an artist, where I want to go with that art, and how I want my art to impact the world. Difficult questions with no easy answers, but answers nonetheless, which I beleive are constantly evolving as we evolve with our work.
Several points you had brought up resonated deep within me - almost a knowing, a realization that I'm at the point in my career where challenge is a necessary impetus for pushing my creative boundaries, and that your gallery's mission is to take on artists who are willing to take this route, who are willing to learn and grow.
Like I had mentioned - my own home town and nearby neighbor have both turned their backs on me, despite my many attempts to showcase my work, but in the light of our discussion, perhaps they are not ready for the strange and bold directions I am blazing in my photography, and perhaps that's a good thing - especially if places like New York are ready to embrace me (slowly and piece by piece), as they already have in the past and continue to do so.
I am sending you a link to some of my selected galleries:
insomniacs elixir
Blue - a journey within
bathroom series
and my strange fascination with bathrooms (some self-portraits included):
erotic neurotic bathroom
I hope that this is not an overwhelming group of images - (my current struggle with manic depression has made it hard for me to be objective) and that you'll find something that will pique your interest.
I hope that my work might find a home at your gallery because my intuition tells me that within this creative environment, evolution on an exponential level would be something that I would experience, and am definitely ready for. ..
It was a real pleasure meeting you and hope that our paths will cross again someday soon. Your dynamic energy and extraordinary creative presence really inspired me - thank you so very much.
Cheers,
HPK
and his reply a few hours later (which floored me - this guy means business...)
HPK,
Meeting you was a pleasure. And I did take the time to look at your work. There's a great deal of potential and pulse to your images.And I find the nudity second to the emotional expression. I think the nudity leaves you vulnerable and allows the fear, anger, and chaos's to come through.Having said that the body shots engage the viewer and seduces them into taking a closer look. What I would like to see is what's not on the web sites. A series of complete raw images that were done and enabled you to design the series from.One of my challenges is because I deal with international artists. I am not able to visit as many studios as I would like to see artists work.It helps to better understand the process and level of commitment. Most of my artists walk me through the process with written information about the concept and a series of images of the works progress. What I am looking for is all of it. Not just the finished product. It allows me to be informed and objective.And better understand your level of commitment. Show me what has been left on the cutting floor. Or that has never been seen because of fear, insecurity or vanity.Then we will chat.
Best
B
What we will be exhibiting this coming year will supersede the extraordinary. But my instincts tell me you are capable, driven and hungry. Now WOW me.
I sent him the whole "blue - depression" series - all of it. And although you can see much of me, there are other things, more scary things you see as well.
I guess he saw them and they piqued his interest.
Now did I mention this guy is BIG TIME!
I mean huge f*#en international scale with galleries in L.A and soon to be Tokyo and Spain?
The potential here is huge.
Is it just a pipe dream?
Perhaps.
Could this all be smoke and mirrors?
Maybe
Do I think this is all might be about my life - a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more? Is it a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing?
Only time will tell, (and maybe Shakespeare...)
I sent him the whole "blue - depression" series - all of it. And although you can see much of me, there are other things, more scary things you see as well.
I guess he saw them and they piqued his interest.
Now did I mention this guy is BIG TIME!
I mean huge f*#en international scale with galleries in L.A and soon to be Tokyo and Spain?
The potential here is huge.
Is it just a pipe dream?
Perhaps.
Could this all be smoke and mirrors?
Maybe
Do I think this is all might be about my life - a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more? Is it a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing?
Only time will tell, (and maybe Shakespeare...)
Happy 2006!!
What a way to bring in 2006!
Worked at the club - made my way through sweaty sticky packed together too tightly bodies and eneded up having a great time.
Welcome 2006.
Are you ready to get your ass kicked?
I have alot on my plate right now - getting over this hump (feeling like crap becasue it's the worst time of year for me...) and my mom's treatment/surgery which will take up most of my time and attention. I am hoping though, that in the downtime I will spend at her place, I will be posting more of my stories here. It's about time. I think I am due for a few long entries...
Worked at the club - made my way through sweaty sticky packed together too tightly bodies and eneded up having a great time.
Welcome 2006.
Are you ready to get your ass kicked?
I have alot on my plate right now - getting over this hump (feeling like crap becasue it's the worst time of year for me...) and my mom's treatment/surgery which will take up most of my time and attention. I am hoping though, that in the downtime I will spend at her place, I will be posting more of my stories here. It's about time. I think I am due for a few long entries...
Sunday, January 01, 2006
What this year has in store for me...
Well, weathered 2005 and I'm still here...
It's almost 6am and I just came back from a wonderful smoked meat sandwitch, greasy fries and managed to scrape off the makeup from my face. Tonight I worked at the club and it was outrageous!! Thought that my camera was broken, flipped, got home only to realize, DUH, it was my fault - screwed up on some setting. But I managed to take about 600 pix, and now will have to sift through them and hand them in Monday. But tonight was fun. Very cool.
I had to hop the fence to get into the club! lol
but it's all good.
Mom's PET scan is on Wedensday. Her surgery might be the 17th. We are all praying that the cancer has not spread too far. We are all keeping our fingers crossed.
Boy, this is gonna be one hell of a year, but if I can get through this, hell. I can get through anything...
As the countdown began, I remembered my trip to New York - having gone back a second time, and shaking on a deal to direct Sto's feature - big steps. It's all good ;-)
After the clock struck midnight, the music began to blare - New York New York by Frank Sinatra. I almost cried.
When I made my first visit to NYC, I sat in Central Park and asked myself Can I really make it here? Is this where I belong? And just out of the blue, some old man on a bike zipped past me, with a huge boom box attached to the back.
Well, guess what was playing.
Yep.
New York New York by Frank Sinatra.
The verse was if you can make it there, you'll make it anywhere, it's up to you - New York, New York.
I still get chills when I think about that moment.
Out of all places, out of all songs, and just when I was sitting there. I'ts not like central park is a small place either.
Yep. Strange things indeed.
So just because I am such a sucker for these astro forecasts, I had to add this one. Perhaps next year I will look back on this, as I look back on what I wrote here a year ago, and smile.
Aries OVERVIEW: In matters of the heart, you've always preferred the chase to the capture. In fact, hard as it might be to believe, once the courtship dance is over -- especially if it doesn't last long enough or prove interesting enough -- you've actually been known to lose interest entirely. You won't have that problem this year though. From early January through early March, someone who absolutely demands your respect will attract a healthy portion of your attention. Suddenly, you'll be willing to suspend all rules, clean up your act and go out of your way to prove how honorable your intentions are -- just to ensure that you end up with the pleasure of their long-term company.
Love won't be your only focus this year, however. You may need to make a major decision regarding your job, thanks to two eclipses, classic harbingers of change. The first, in mid-March, will get the show on the road and probably make you restless enough to start looking for other options. By the time the second eclipse arrives in late September, you'll be more than ready to clear out your desk. Giving two weeks notice may not be first and foremost on your mind, especially if a better offer is already waiting impatiently in the wings. Just be sure your next step is set in stone before you burn any bridges.
Burning bridges will come easily to you by December, however, and you won't have to worry about any repercussions either. By New Year's Day 2007, you'll be amazed at how many great big changes you've made, possibly even including a long-distance move. Regardless of where you end up -- or with whom -- rest assured that this will be a year to remember and that everything will be just fine in the end. So don't worry if things aren't completely fine right now. All that means is that you're not at the end of this process just yet. Relax and do what feels right. You're reinventing yourself, and if you're smart, you'll allow yourself to enjoy the journey -- and to take your sweet time.
CAREER: Your powerful, restless energy generally means that if you're not moving up, you're itching to move on. That can be frustrating, as it might often seem that you're packing up (or wishing you were packing up) just as you finally get settled into a new position. Raw ambition can only get you so far, though, and early this year you will find yourself inspired to take a new look at your current position -- or maybe the next one in line -- as worthwhile on its own merits. You won't be shedding your ambition so much as fulfilling your desire to see longer-term plans come to fruition. Expect a two-month period of solid, deeply satisfying personal growth.
After all that, you will find substantial new territories to explore in the spring. The lunar eclipse just before the Ides of March brings subtle changes to your core mission. If your timing is just right and circumstances favor you, it will be a time of explosive growth. Your competitors don't stand much of a chance -- unless, that is, you let yourself get too distracted by the sheer volume of opportunities to pick a few and focus on them. The end of summer brings a more intense solar eclipse and a slower, quieter time for you and your clients. Spend the early autumn working on negotiations or other interpersonal interactions -- your strengths will lie in that domain.
Toward the end of the year, you might feel the urge to move on yet again. Try to channel that energy into something different -- jettison some of the less profitable or interesting components of your work, for example, or restructure your current approach. When you reflect on the changes 2006 has brought to your working life, you will see the deeper pattern that you likely missed while it was developing all around you. And you're still trending upward, even if it feels like you've stalled out. In the end, you will have found the stability necessary for true growth.
LOVE: For some time now, your love life has been in a holding pattern. It hasn't been dull -- you get the same endorphins from jogging in place that you do on a cross-country run over varied terrain -- but you're feeling restless. At the beginning of the year, you'll sense the opportunity to deepen a friendship or reignite a relationship that you'd begun to take for granted. Pay attention to the cues that indicate your partner is ready to take your connection to a more intense level. From January through March, give yourself plenty of time and opportunity to ease into this exciting change. Weekend getaways to unusual destinations, like a natural hot springs or a quirky amusement park, will help you two focus on each other's hopes, however outlandish or potentially embarrassing.
Around the middle of March, your ability to concentrate on the softer side of life will be somewhat diminished. Two eclipses, one in the spring and the other at the beginning of fall, suggests that major changes in your day-to-day life are coming, and your focus will be needed in other areas. You can keep your sympathies supple through all this upheaval by lavishing attention on yourself. Massages and daytrips to the spa will help you relax. Classic novels with passionate, inward-focused characters will remind you of your emotional needs, even while your ambition is being prodded by more pragmatic challenges.
By the time the winter holidays arrive, you will begin to feel more confident with the path your life is taking. And perhaps to your surprise, your clear-eyed vision of the future may not include a certain romantic partner. Think deeply about the situation, but if you feel like cleaning out your closet to make way for something new, don't second-guess your preference. You're coming into contact with new people every day, and if someone else is better aligned with your inner self, you won't rest until your lives run parallel in all the best ways.
It's almost 6am and I just came back from a wonderful smoked meat sandwitch, greasy fries and managed to scrape off the makeup from my face. Tonight I worked at the club and it was outrageous!! Thought that my camera was broken, flipped, got home only to realize, DUH, it was my fault - screwed up on some setting. But I managed to take about 600 pix, and now will have to sift through them and hand them in Monday. But tonight was fun. Very cool.
I had to hop the fence to get into the club! lol
but it's all good.
Mom's PET scan is on Wedensday. Her surgery might be the 17th. We are all praying that the cancer has not spread too far. We are all keeping our fingers crossed.
Boy, this is gonna be one hell of a year, but if I can get through this, hell. I can get through anything...
As the countdown began, I remembered my trip to New York - having gone back a second time, and shaking on a deal to direct Sto's feature - big steps. It's all good ;-)
After the clock struck midnight, the music began to blare - New York New York by Frank Sinatra. I almost cried.
When I made my first visit to NYC, I sat in Central Park and asked myself Can I really make it here? Is this where I belong? And just out of the blue, some old man on a bike zipped past me, with a huge boom box attached to the back.
Well, guess what was playing.
Yep.
New York New York by Frank Sinatra.
The verse was if you can make it there, you'll make it anywhere, it's up to you - New York, New York.
I still get chills when I think about that moment.
Out of all places, out of all songs, and just when I was sitting there. I'ts not like central park is a small place either.
Yep. Strange things indeed.
So just because I am such a sucker for these astro forecasts, I had to add this one. Perhaps next year I will look back on this, as I look back on what I wrote here a year ago, and smile.
Aries OVERVIEW: In matters of the heart, you've always preferred the chase to the capture. In fact, hard as it might be to believe, once the courtship dance is over -- especially if it doesn't last long enough or prove interesting enough -- you've actually been known to lose interest entirely. You won't have that problem this year though. From early January through early March, someone who absolutely demands your respect will attract a healthy portion of your attention. Suddenly, you'll be willing to suspend all rules, clean up your act and go out of your way to prove how honorable your intentions are -- just to ensure that you end up with the pleasure of their long-term company.
Love won't be your only focus this year, however. You may need to make a major decision regarding your job, thanks to two eclipses, classic harbingers of change. The first, in mid-March, will get the show on the road and probably make you restless enough to start looking for other options. By the time the second eclipse arrives in late September, you'll be more than ready to clear out your desk. Giving two weeks notice may not be first and foremost on your mind, especially if a better offer is already waiting impatiently in the wings. Just be sure your next step is set in stone before you burn any bridges.
Burning bridges will come easily to you by December, however, and you won't have to worry about any repercussions either. By New Year's Day 2007, you'll be amazed at how many great big changes you've made, possibly even including a long-distance move. Regardless of where you end up -- or with whom -- rest assured that this will be a year to remember and that everything will be just fine in the end. So don't worry if things aren't completely fine right now. All that means is that you're not at the end of this process just yet. Relax and do what feels right. You're reinventing yourself, and if you're smart, you'll allow yourself to enjoy the journey -- and to take your sweet time.
CAREER: Your powerful, restless energy generally means that if you're not moving up, you're itching to move on. That can be frustrating, as it might often seem that you're packing up (or wishing you were packing up) just as you finally get settled into a new position. Raw ambition can only get you so far, though, and early this year you will find yourself inspired to take a new look at your current position -- or maybe the next one in line -- as worthwhile on its own merits. You won't be shedding your ambition so much as fulfilling your desire to see longer-term plans come to fruition. Expect a two-month period of solid, deeply satisfying personal growth.
After all that, you will find substantial new territories to explore in the spring. The lunar eclipse just before the Ides of March brings subtle changes to your core mission. If your timing is just right and circumstances favor you, it will be a time of explosive growth. Your competitors don't stand much of a chance -- unless, that is, you let yourself get too distracted by the sheer volume of opportunities to pick a few and focus on them. The end of summer brings a more intense solar eclipse and a slower, quieter time for you and your clients. Spend the early autumn working on negotiations or other interpersonal interactions -- your strengths will lie in that domain.
Toward the end of the year, you might feel the urge to move on yet again. Try to channel that energy into something different -- jettison some of the less profitable or interesting components of your work, for example, or restructure your current approach. When you reflect on the changes 2006 has brought to your working life, you will see the deeper pattern that you likely missed while it was developing all around you. And you're still trending upward, even if it feels like you've stalled out. In the end, you will have found the stability necessary for true growth.
LOVE: For some time now, your love life has been in a holding pattern. It hasn't been dull -- you get the same endorphins from jogging in place that you do on a cross-country run over varied terrain -- but you're feeling restless. At the beginning of the year, you'll sense the opportunity to deepen a friendship or reignite a relationship that you'd begun to take for granted. Pay attention to the cues that indicate your partner is ready to take your connection to a more intense level. From January through March, give yourself plenty of time and opportunity to ease into this exciting change. Weekend getaways to unusual destinations, like a natural hot springs or a quirky amusement park, will help you two focus on each other's hopes, however outlandish or potentially embarrassing.
Around the middle of March, your ability to concentrate on the softer side of life will be somewhat diminished. Two eclipses, one in the spring and the other at the beginning of fall, suggests that major changes in your day-to-day life are coming, and your focus will be needed in other areas. You can keep your sympathies supple through all this upheaval by lavishing attention on yourself. Massages and daytrips to the spa will help you relax. Classic novels with passionate, inward-focused characters will remind you of your emotional needs, even while your ambition is being prodded by more pragmatic challenges.
By the time the winter holidays arrive, you will begin to feel more confident with the path your life is taking. And perhaps to your surprise, your clear-eyed vision of the future may not include a certain romantic partner. Think deeply about the situation, but if you feel like cleaning out your closet to make way for something new, don't second-guess your preference. You're coming into contact with new people every day, and if someone else is better aligned with your inner self, you won't rest until your lives run parallel in all the best ways.
Saturday, December 31, 2005
Solaris
The night before New Year's Eve. Last night of 2005. What a hell of a year folks.
So as I sit here, watching the clock near 3am, I reflect a little, wax poetic a tad and realize that I have almost come full circle.
A year ago this week I was asked to write the play - sex and la cité. It was this month that I shook on a deal to make me director of a friend's feature film that I will be shooting in NYC. Sex and la cité - about the girls from NYC coming to Montreal, Sex and the City - 4 30something girls living in NYC - do you see the similarities? A year from now, will I be waxing poetic as I find myself writing for HBO, rubbing elbows with Sarah Jessica Parket and Darren Star (creaters/producers of S.A.T.C)? Who knows. I never thought I would be here writing this that's for sure!
I spoke with two of my best friends today - one, a wise sage, my bro. It was so enlightening, and so apropriate that we met today. I got to sort out some things that were on my mind, we watched gleefully as a tea bud opened before our eyes to create the most lovley tea that I have ever tasted, we laughed, and reflected. It was a spiritual inventory/cleansing and it felt good.
Tonight, I called a best friend, my galpal, and despite her own shit on a plate, she let me rant, weep, and ramble on about all my woes under the sun. She gave me a kick in the ass alright, but it was not with a combat boot, but with a slipper, and God love her for that. With her too, I realized alot of things, realized that sometimes letting go is the best thing to do - old worries, self-defeating ways, old ties that bind, dreams that no longer fit the new me anymore.
It was all a cleansing. All taking inventory and tossing out what didn't belong.
How ironic that today was recycling day on my street...
I got the word tonight that I will be working at the club for New Year's Eve. I had been waiting on that forever. They called at 11:30pm. The boss told me: You better be around at midnight so we can have some champaigne!!
You bet my dear, you bet!
Out with the old, in with the new.
Here's hoping that 2006 will be a better year, and that all the seeds I have sown will finally begin to take root and grow.
All the best to you out there, whoever you are.
xo
So as I sit here, watching the clock near 3am, I reflect a little, wax poetic a tad and realize that I have almost come full circle.
A year ago this week I was asked to write the play - sex and la cité. It was this month that I shook on a deal to make me director of a friend's feature film that I will be shooting in NYC. Sex and la cité - about the girls from NYC coming to Montreal, Sex and the City - 4 30something girls living in NYC - do you see the similarities? A year from now, will I be waxing poetic as I find myself writing for HBO, rubbing elbows with Sarah Jessica Parket and Darren Star (creaters/producers of S.A.T.C)? Who knows. I never thought I would be here writing this that's for sure!
I spoke with two of my best friends today - one, a wise sage, my bro. It was so enlightening, and so apropriate that we met today. I got to sort out some things that were on my mind, we watched gleefully as a tea bud opened before our eyes to create the most lovley tea that I have ever tasted, we laughed, and reflected. It was a spiritual inventory/cleansing and it felt good.
Tonight, I called a best friend, my galpal, and despite her own shit on a plate, she let me rant, weep, and ramble on about all my woes under the sun. She gave me a kick in the ass alright, but it was not with a combat boot, but with a slipper, and God love her for that. With her too, I realized alot of things, realized that sometimes letting go is the best thing to do - old worries, self-defeating ways, old ties that bind, dreams that no longer fit the new me anymore.
It was all a cleansing. All taking inventory and tossing out what didn't belong.
How ironic that today was recycling day on my street...
I got the word tonight that I will be working at the club for New Year's Eve. I had been waiting on that forever. They called at 11:30pm. The boss told me: You better be around at midnight so we can have some champaigne!!
You bet my dear, you bet!
Out with the old, in with the new.
Here's hoping that 2006 will be a better year, and that all the seeds I have sown will finally begin to take root and grow.
All the best to you out there, whoever you are.
xo
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Almost a year ago to the day...
It's almost a year ago to the day that I started this blog. Recently, I have been running around between Montreal and New York city, trying to take care of my mother, trying to get my life back in order, trying to find my footing - and then woosh! Days turn into months and here I am, 12 months later, a full 180 degrees. Endings to old things, moving transitions and begining of new things. I wonder what 2006 will have in store for me...
This is what I wrote a year ago...
Last one for 2004.
I am back - but only for a short short blog.
Things have been up and down - been sick, lost my voice, found it again, and then lost it partially as of today. Looked under the bed, in the closet but it's nowhere to be found.
I am asking the universe for inspiration and strength for the new year.
I feel that I am on the cusp of something great. All I need is the energy and the focus to get through it all.
I am thankful for all the sunny days so far - they manage to get me through these winter months.
I took this photo last night at one of my gal pal's place. She is ripping up her bathroom of the downstairs apartment - it looks like hell - quite literally. We thought that something industrial would look cool. The idea behind this was ' a nice girl ends up in a bad place'. One night, you drink too much, black out for a little while, and then wake up to find yourself someplace where you know you should not be. I really think it works. The conditions were horrible (literally shit mixed with damp earth on the floor) - it was cold, damp and dark. I really had fun with her - we work really well together. She believes in my work and thinks this stuff is exhibition quality. I value her opinion highly - she is not one to give out compliments easily. These are dark dark photos. Funny - the eye sees before the mind does. On that note (oh - how depressing!!!) I wish all my readers a happy happy new year and may all your dreams come true in 2005!!!
This is what I wrote a year ago...
Last one for 2004.
I am back - but only for a short short blog.
Things have been up and down - been sick, lost my voice, found it again, and then lost it partially as of today. Looked under the bed, in the closet but it's nowhere to be found.
I am asking the universe for inspiration and strength for the new year.
I feel that I am on the cusp of something great. All I need is the energy and the focus to get through it all.
I am thankful for all the sunny days so far - they manage to get me through these winter months.
I took this photo last night at one of my gal pal's place. She is ripping up her bathroom of the downstairs apartment - it looks like hell - quite literally. We thought that something industrial would look cool. The idea behind this was ' a nice girl ends up in a bad place'. One night, you drink too much, black out for a little while, and then wake up to find yourself someplace where you know you should not be. I really think it works. The conditions were horrible (literally shit mixed with damp earth on the floor) - it was cold, damp and dark. I really had fun with her - we work really well together. She believes in my work and thinks this stuff is exhibition quality. I value her opinion highly - she is not one to give out compliments easily. These are dark dark photos. Funny - the eye sees before the mind does. On that note (oh - how depressing!!!) I wish all my readers a happy happy new year and may all your dreams come true in 2005!!!
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Exhibition at Medianoche
Me and my boyfriends in NYC.
This is me little less than a week ago when I was in NYC for the closing expo of the Medianoche art gallery in Spanish Harlem. It was so wonderful to be back, see people I had met only two months ago and to meet new ones as well.
Flickr has changed my life is so many wonderful ways!!
This is me little less than a week ago when I was in NYC for the closing expo of the Medianoche art gallery in Spanish Harlem. It was so wonderful to be back, see people I had met only two months ago and to meet new ones as well.
Flickr has changed my life is so many wonderful ways!!
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Kitty and Newell
This was a shot of me and my friend Newell at the flickr closing party in NYC (yep - went there again!!) I had such a blast and can't wait to go back!
I shook on a deal to direct and shoot my friend's film this summer. Lots of stuff happening.
I thought about it - I could have had any opportunity anywhere else, but it happens to be New York City. I can't tell you how long I have dreamed of something like this to happen!!
Fingers crossed for the new year!!
Happy holidays to you all!!
xoox
I shook on a deal to direct and shoot my friend's film this summer. Lots of stuff happening.
I thought about it - I could have had any opportunity anywhere else, but it happens to be New York City. I can't tell you how long I have dreamed of something like this to happen!!
Fingers crossed for the new year!!
Happy holidays to you all!!
xoox
Monday, December 05, 2005
So boldly...
This was taken the last night I stayed in NYC. I went through a whole gammut of emotions in the span of a few sleepless hours. If you have ever seen Apocalypse Now - you will remember the scene where Martin Sheen has that meltdown in the hotel - well, mine didn't end up as bad. It was actually a doorway to positive discoveries, and I am changed woman because of it...
Saturday, December 03, 2005
Exactly where I am at now...
I just received an email from a dear dear friend of mine - hundreds and hundreds of miles away, but we are so close together in the same boat, when he inhales from his cigarette, I exhale out the smoke...
HPK I'm exhausted. There's a golden road in front of me, and all I can do is struggle to escape the grasp of my family's insanity, and the bogey-men that were planted in my head by them. When your earliest lessons in life are to hate yourself, and to distrust everyone else, finding your potential gets to feeling lost a lost battle.
My dear Rev. K - I hear you, so very well, but we have to try because we really have nothing left to lose.
HPK I'm exhausted. There's a golden road in front of me, and all I can do is struggle to escape the grasp of my family's insanity, and the bogey-men that were planted in my head by them. When your earliest lessons in life are to hate yourself, and to distrust everyone else, finding your potential gets to feeling lost a lost battle.
My dear Rev. K - I hear you, so very well, but we have to try because we really have nothing left to lose.
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
The phonecall we never want to get...
The phone call we never want to get...
"now this is the time that CBT and all it's wonderful principles will be put to the test"
My mom's words after she called me to say that her doctor said she had melanoma. The apparent cyst on her shoulder was cancerous - a stage 4 - deep into the skin. They are not sure if it's spread to her lymph nodes or anywhere else for that matter.
"we just have to take one day at a time and think positive."
I wonder how much of that is positive thinking and which part is her just trying to block things out. I wonder if she really believes what she is saying or if she is just saying it to calm herself and everybody else. I wonder if and wish that CBT really does work for her - all that she has learned, read about, practiced. I know that it will test my strength and faith in this therapy.
I'm a little bit numb right now.
My best friend said: it's the lack of information that makes us start spinning - our mind begins to try to fill in the gaps, and does so with all the wrong things - paranoia, fear, hopelessness - these horrible negative things.
I think we add negative thoughts because as a child, we were taught - always expect the worst.
Northern European guilt complex - and I think it must be genetic...
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Les Etoiles
Ahh, NYC. The place I want to be...
I have fallen in love with that city!!!
I was just fooling around in photoshop and came up with this. I thought it was fun - so I share it with you - my readers. Enjoy ;-)
I have fallen in love with that city!!!
I was just fooling around in photoshop and came up with this. I thought it was fun - so I share it with you - my readers. Enjoy ;-)
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
If you don't like it, don't read it!
And to the anonymous poster who said:
Maybe you could take your ass to the show and see for yourself what might be the clue of a depilatory mode. Or maybe using a good TV show title as a personal blog is the sign of a lack of substance and culture!!!
Well, everybody is welcome to their opinion, but if you don't like this blog and find it so objectionable, why read it? Why bother??
Maybe you could take your ass to the show and see for yourself what might be the clue of a depilatory mode. Or maybe using a good TV show title as a personal blog is the sign of a lack of substance and culture!!!
Well, everybody is welcome to their opinion, but if you don't like this blog and find it so objectionable, why read it? Why bother??
Friday, November 18, 2005
And then it became obvious...
So much has happened since my last post that I don't know where to begin!!
And it's almost 3fucken am and I have a doctors appointement 2mrw at 9, so that means up and outa here at 8ish.
I wont even begin to caluclate how many hours of sleep that's not!
So in a nutshell...
Had a big spirtiual discussion with my bro (QUEREBES...lol )- he played BIG in the Sex and La Cite play) on Sunday. We talked about so much and I think our conversation was enlighting for both of us in so many ways. I know he is an old soul and that we have walked this path together before. We both decided that taking the leap into the next step towards what we want (both film junkies and addicts who want to be behind and in front of the camera) and not look back, have no regrets and push through all the roadblocks, landmines and shitty party poopers that will try to hinder our progress.
My other bro - he was the one that played Steve in the play, and I had a big talk last Friday about the same things. Follow those omens that keep on popping up !! they are telling you something, you just have to listen to them!
And he was so right.
Looking back on this past week, there were quite literally times when I asked a quesiton out loud (when nobody else was around) and that same day (sometimes within minutes), I would get an answer. I mean strange thing that would happen - a song that is NEVER played on the raido, a misplaced article symbolic of the quesiton would magically appear - all the time!!
The one that still freaks me out to no end was when I found a card on the steps of Port Authority Buss Terminal on my first day in NYC.
I was just wheeling out my luggage, said bye to my new friend, watched as she hailed a cab and sped off, and as I began to get in line to get my cab, there, on the floor was a playing card face down. I picked it up, turned it over and it was a 2 of hearts. Out of all places, of all thigns to find...??!?!
DId I mention about the song I heard in central park while I was sitting down, contemplating if I would be able to swim with the sharks in the big apple?
Did I mention that this little old man who rode by with a boom box straped to the back of the bike passed right by me as the lyrics of the song went:
if I can make it here, I'll make it anywhere - it's up to you, New York, New York!!!
Did I mention that I almost had a heart attack on the spot? that I almsot choked on my dry and stale NY salty pretzel?!
Now how wild is that?!?
More conincidences to write about but I must get some sleep first, because if I don't, a MAC truck could sideswipe me with a huge sign wiht an invitation to work and live in NYC, signed by president Bush, and I still would'nt notice it...
(shitty blogger spell checker!)
OH YEA!!
I turned down the play...
I felt in my gut it was the right thing to do.
now I wait to see what else will pop up in its place!
And it's almost 3fucken am and I have a doctors appointement 2mrw at 9, so that means up and outa here at 8ish.
I wont even begin to caluclate how many hours of sleep that's not!
So in a nutshell...
Had a big spirtiual discussion with my bro (QUEREBES...lol )- he played BIG in the Sex and La Cite play) on Sunday. We talked about so much and I think our conversation was enlighting for both of us in so many ways. I know he is an old soul and that we have walked this path together before. We both decided that taking the leap into the next step towards what we want (both film junkies and addicts who want to be behind and in front of the camera) and not look back, have no regrets and push through all the roadblocks, landmines and shitty party poopers that will try to hinder our progress.
My other bro - he was the one that played Steve in the play, and I had a big talk last Friday about the same things. Follow those omens that keep on popping up !! they are telling you something, you just have to listen to them!
And he was so right.
Looking back on this past week, there were quite literally times when I asked a quesiton out loud (when nobody else was around) and that same day (sometimes within minutes), I would get an answer. I mean strange thing that would happen - a song that is NEVER played on the raido, a misplaced article symbolic of the quesiton would magically appear - all the time!!
The one that still freaks me out to no end was when I found a card on the steps of Port Authority Buss Terminal on my first day in NYC.
I was just wheeling out my luggage, said bye to my new friend, watched as she hailed a cab and sped off, and as I began to get in line to get my cab, there, on the floor was a playing card face down. I picked it up, turned it over and it was a 2 of hearts. Out of all places, of all thigns to find...??!?!
DId I mention about the song I heard in central park while I was sitting down, contemplating if I would be able to swim with the sharks in the big apple?
Did I mention that this little old man who rode by with a boom box straped to the back of the bike passed right by me as the lyrics of the song went:
if I can make it here, I'll make it anywhere - it's up to you, New York, New York!!!
Did I mention that I almost had a heart attack on the spot? that I almsot choked on my dry and stale NY salty pretzel?!
Now how wild is that?!?
More conincidences to write about but I must get some sleep first, because if I don't, a MAC truck could sideswipe me with a huge sign wiht an invitation to work and live in NYC, signed by president Bush, and I still would'nt notice it...
(shitty blogger spell checker!)
OH YEA!!
I turned down the play...
I felt in my gut it was the right thing to do.
now I wait to see what else will pop up in its place!
Sunday, November 13, 2005
Are we up for a sequel to the spoof of an original?
Well, I am confronted with a little bit of a dilemma.
The producer and director of Sex and La Cité have approached me and asked me if I wanted to do part 2.
Now I have my reservations about this.
How strange that I wrote in the beginning of the Carrie sequence "can a sequel ever be as good as the original?"
a) we had a great first run - 14 sold out shows out of 14, in the last festival we were in, we were the top grossing act in the whole thing, but a knock-off is a knock off and we got away with it once, can we get away with it again?
b) recycling - I am all for it, but stage characters are not like plastic and don't do well a second time around, unless you are like Neil Simon or something, taking a spoof and spoofing it to the second degree is not always the best thing to do.
c) my gut is telling me to bail out before all hell breaks lose and I am in above my head with this.
I mean, the ideas are funny - carrie gets married to Big in an insane wedding, Miranda finds out that Stevee is a cross-dresser and likes it, Samatha and Smith become more -Quebecois (down home country type of folk) andCharlottee and her hubby are off doing some thing or other neurotic. The ideas are good, I admit, but at the same time, I FEEL that the only people who will come to see this show are people who know about sex and the city, and came to see our play the first time around.
d) not all the original cast members will be there. We are missing Steve (who was BRILLIANT but is now in NYC training for a real acting career) and one of the Drag Queens/Gino. He was priceless and I now that without him and Steve there, there will be a gap in the energy, which will advessley effect how the cast comes together. Sure, we can pull it off, but the magic will be gone.
I am at the point in my life where I want to take my photography to the next level. I have done another corporate video (for the Montreal tourist Bureau) and am getting alot of jobs lined up for casting photos. I have the chance to carve a niche market for myself, and know that this could be a nice calling card. And as fate would have it, I have met two very influentiall people in the movie biz over the weekend which might just open some previously closed huge steel doors.
e) I am not getting paid, well not right away...
It seems that there is not enough money in the coffers to pay me up front, so if the play makes money, I get a little slice. And I mean little.
It would be different if the play were a flop, I mean an abysmal stinker, but it wasn't!! It was a kick ass success beyond our wildest dreams! And to live up to that? To make something even better? Now that's a tough job. To make a sequel to a spoof of a tv series? Those are really gargantuan shoes to fill with Lilliputiann slippers.
f) my gut is screaming - RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!
Do I want to take the chance of tarnishing my name (which is now attached with "the writer of the smash play that took Montreal by storm.." ) with a sequel that is only lukewarm? As one of my best buddies said : You're only as good as your last film. And he is so right.
One botch up and everything you did previous doesn't exist in the critic's eyes.
Do I want to take that chance?
g) I will be sharing the writing credit with Charlotte.
I don't mind actually, she is great to collaborate with, but we only did so on one level. I wrote the back bone of the whole play. I had a complete vision and therefore was able to sit at my computer for 18 hour days and pound out that story. Yes, her and Samantha helped, but they came in, gave their ideas and then when home, whereas I was left to mix it all in and make sure that it all worked out swimmingly. I am so weary about the plan that would entail one woman write one scene, the other the next, then we'd meet in the middle and try to hash it all out. I have collaborated before, but not this way, and not in the time frame they are looking at.
We want to have the first rough draft before xmas..
And they told me this on Monday this past week!!!
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!??!?!?!?!?
Well, it's not like you are writing the whole thing, I am taking on half of the burden...
EVEN MORE REASON TO PANIC!!
Trying to hammer out one scene is something, two people with two different visions/styles trying to bring it all together? And to top that all off, I am only 1/3rd of the equation. I am almost automatically veto-ed out! Two women who have a stake in the company (both invested their $$) against me - the little old writer...??
And one of them is coasting comfortably on the money she made from the sale of her house, and the other is working full time. And me? Trying to start out my freelance life.
h) I am already pigeon holed as the Greek mother - again!!
And that is a bit part, but that would mean 5 months of rehearsals because I would have to be there for all the blocking , script changes etc. I did it last year because it was a labor of love, but this year??...
I am seriously on the fence about this one.
And I think now is the time I should speak up or forever be in a shithole and up a creek without a paddle -causee once you're in, you're in.
Ahh.
Now what!??
The producer and director of Sex and La Cité have approached me and asked me if I wanted to do part 2.
Now I have my reservations about this.
How strange that I wrote in the beginning of the Carrie sequence "can a sequel ever be as good as the original?"
a) we had a great first run - 14 sold out shows out of 14, in the last festival we were in, we were the top grossing act in the whole thing, but a knock-off is a knock off and we got away with it once, can we get away with it again?
b) recycling - I am all for it, but stage characters are not like plastic and don't do well a second time around, unless you are like Neil Simon or something, taking a spoof and spoofing it to the second degree is not always the best thing to do.
c) my gut is telling me to bail out before all hell breaks lose and I am in above my head with this.
I mean, the ideas are funny - carrie gets married to Big in an insane wedding, Miranda finds out that Stevee is a cross-dresser and likes it, Samatha and Smith become more -Quebecois (down home country type of folk) andCharlottee and her hubby are off doing some thing or other neurotic. The ideas are good, I admit, but at the same time, I FEEL that the only people who will come to see this show are people who know about sex and the city, and came to see our play the first time around.
d) not all the original cast members will be there. We are missing Steve (who was BRILLIANT but is now in NYC training for a real acting career) and one of the Drag Queens/Gino. He was priceless and I now that without him and Steve there, there will be a gap in the energy, which will advessley effect how the cast comes together. Sure, we can pull it off, but the magic will be gone.
I am at the point in my life where I want to take my photography to the next level. I have done another corporate video (for the Montreal tourist Bureau) and am getting alot of jobs lined up for casting photos. I have the chance to carve a niche market for myself, and know that this could be a nice calling card. And as fate would have it, I have met two very influentiall people in the movie biz over the weekend which might just open some previously closed huge steel doors.
e) I am not getting paid, well not right away...
It seems that there is not enough money in the coffers to pay me up front, so if the play makes money, I get a little slice. And I mean little.
It would be different if the play were a flop, I mean an abysmal stinker, but it wasn't!! It was a kick ass success beyond our wildest dreams! And to live up to that? To make something even better? Now that's a tough job. To make a sequel to a spoof of a tv series? Those are really gargantuan shoes to fill with Lilliputiann slippers.
f) my gut is screaming - RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!
Do I want to take the chance of tarnishing my name (which is now attached with "the writer of the smash play that took Montreal by storm.." ) with a sequel that is only lukewarm? As one of my best buddies said : You're only as good as your last film. And he is so right.
One botch up and everything you did previous doesn't exist in the critic's eyes.
Do I want to take that chance?
g) I will be sharing the writing credit with Charlotte.
I don't mind actually, she is great to collaborate with, but we only did so on one level. I wrote the back bone of the whole play. I had a complete vision and therefore was able to sit at my computer for 18 hour days and pound out that story. Yes, her and Samantha helped, but they came in, gave their ideas and then when home, whereas I was left to mix it all in and make sure that it all worked out swimmingly. I am so weary about the plan that would entail one woman write one scene, the other the next, then we'd meet in the middle and try to hash it all out. I have collaborated before, but not this way, and not in the time frame they are looking at.
We want to have the first rough draft before xmas..
And they told me this on Monday this past week!!!
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!??!?!?!?!?
Well, it's not like you are writing the whole thing, I am taking on half of the burden...
EVEN MORE REASON TO PANIC!!
Trying to hammer out one scene is something, two people with two different visions/styles trying to bring it all together? And to top that all off, I am only 1/3rd of the equation. I am almost automatically veto-ed out! Two women who have a stake in the company (both invested their $$) against me - the little old writer...??
And one of them is coasting comfortably on the money she made from the sale of her house, and the other is working full time. And me? Trying to start out my freelance life.
h) I am already pigeon holed as the Greek mother - again!!
And that is a bit part, but that would mean 5 months of rehearsals because I would have to be there for all the blocking , script changes etc. I did it last year because it was a labor of love, but this year??...
I am seriously on the fence about this one.
And I think now is the time I should speak up or forever be in a shithole and up a creek without a paddle -causee once you're in, you're in.
Ahh.
Now what!??
Is It Art?
Is it Art?
I don't know but it never ceases to amaze me how some people who call themselves "Artists" manage to get away with this crap!! And the place where this is being exhibited is no shabby location either!! For people like me, it's out of MY LEAGUE, so how this guy got his shit in, I have no clue and am even more convinced that there is no justice in the world and we are all taking the express train to hell where Tammy Faye Baker and John Tesh are the new Rock and Roll gods...
(and yes -my NEW YORK CITY STORIES ARE COMING SOON!!!!!!!)
HOW’S YOUR PUBES?
Waxing, shaving and plucking one’s pubic hair is the new branding... or so posits Éric Ladouceur. The local artist cynically figures that today’s young people express their identity through pubic grooming in that same way they do by sporting, say, a Nike or Puma logo on the outside of their trousers. With this in mind, Ladouceur drew a handful of clothes company logos that use animal shapes, glued pubic hair to them and termed his installation, Le règne animal. It’s at la Maison de la culture Frontenac (2550 Ontario E.) until Dec. 4.
I mean, c'mon, can somebody please give this guy a penny so he can buy a clue and get a normal hobby?!?!
I don't know but it never ceases to amaze me how some people who call themselves "Artists" manage to get away with this crap!! And the place where this is being exhibited is no shabby location either!! For people like me, it's out of MY LEAGUE, so how this guy got his shit in, I have no clue and am even more convinced that there is no justice in the world and we are all taking the express train to hell where Tammy Faye Baker and John Tesh are the new Rock and Roll gods...
(and yes -my NEW YORK CITY STORIES ARE COMING SOON!!!!!!!)
HOW’S YOUR PUBES?
Waxing, shaving and plucking one’s pubic hair is the new branding... or so posits Éric Ladouceur. The local artist cynically figures that today’s young people express their identity through pubic grooming in that same way they do by sporting, say, a Nike or Puma logo on the outside of their trousers. With this in mind, Ladouceur drew a handful of clothes company logos that use animal shapes, glued pubic hair to them and termed his installation, Le règne animal. It’s at la Maison de la culture Frontenac (2550 Ontario E.) until Dec. 4.
I mean, c'mon, can somebody please give this guy a penny so he can buy a clue and get a normal hobby?!?!
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
one way is no way
What to do!?
I got asked to do a sequel to my play "Sex and La Cite". I am on the fence about this one. I don't really know how I feel about it.
This is what my horiscope said yesterday - the day I had my meeting with Charlotte and Samantha...
Very creepy indeed...
Wednesday, 9th November 2005
Aries:
It's not that you can't see the wood for the trees. It's more that there are so many trees, that all look so similar. It's hard to be sure whether you are barking up the right tree or being distracted by other events in the forest. There's one thing that really matters now, everything else is a detail. You know this - and you are right. Others, though, have their own trunks, leaves and branches to attend to. And, understandably enough, their energy is being drawn in this direction. Respect their priorities, but honour yours too.
I got asked to do a sequel to my play "Sex and La Cite". I am on the fence about this one. I don't really know how I feel about it.
This is what my horiscope said yesterday - the day I had my meeting with Charlotte and Samantha...
Very creepy indeed...
Wednesday, 9th November 2005
Aries:
It's not that you can't see the wood for the trees. It's more that there are so many trees, that all look so similar. It's hard to be sure whether you are barking up the right tree or being distracted by other events in the forest. There's one thing that really matters now, everything else is a detail. You know this - and you are right. Others, though, have their own trunks, leaves and branches to attend to. And, understandably enough, their energy is being drawn in this direction. Respect their priorities, but honour yours too.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
I am the light, I am the bridge - artist statement by Paige Bradley
I am the light, I am the bridge - artist statement by Paige Bradley
Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty.
This was just too beautiful not to share!
Bradley’s waterfront luminary is called “Project: EXPANSION”. It is cast in bronze with over 1000 watts of light exploding through cracks in the sculpture.
***
From the moment we are born, the world tends to have a container already built for us to fit inside: A social security number, a gender, a race, a profession, an I.Q. Bradley’s work makes us ponder if we are more defined by the container we are in, than what we are inside. Would we recognize ourselves if we could expand beyond our bodies?
To be authentically ‘un-contained’ would we still be able to exist? Bradley’s figure has expanded beyond human flesh and nothing but brilliance exudes from the cracks. The work makes us think we could be looking directly at the figure’s soul.
The work leaves us with a dichotomy from the utter fragmented human shape. Has this figure fallen apart and needs piecing back together? Or is it just expanding beyond human limitations? When devastation becomes deliverance, then ashes from the past can become the foundations of the future.
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Catch up catsup
GOD! I must put down all those crazy stories and coincidences that I had in NYC down before my brain melts!!
But this was just beyond funny, I had to post it. Sometimes those spontaneous memories are the best!!
This was from a post on flickr in a group that I was part of. I think it's called apocalyptic or Hell. Either one is appropriate...
Rot's Jello Biafra Story...(Missy, he was a loud mouthed politically astute punk rocker and lead singer of the Dead Kennedy's ,(Who I first thought were a Vancouver band, they played a show in Vancouver on Nov 22, 1979, which I didn't see as I was unhip in a punk sense then...) who later made politically incendiary spoken word recordings and appearances as well as music collaborations. He was charged with obscenity for including an HR Geiger poster in a Dead Kennedy's album and had to go through a fairly draining and expensive struggle to defend his free speech and creative freedom and keep his ass out of jail. He's a very articulate fellow with anti-aurthoritarian instincts, a long memory and a finely honed bullshit detector. I personally would rather hear him talk than sing....)
Around 88-89 he was making trips up to Vancouver (he's from the Bay Area I believe) to do spoken word shows and work with some of the punk bands here like DOA or NoMeansNo. My roomate at the time had his first spoken word album (the one that had "Why I'm Glad the Space Shuttle Blew Up" on it) and Jello did a talk at a small cinema on East Hastings which I attended. It was right at the time of the buildup to the first Iraq War and he was doing the "No Blood For Oil" spoken word pieces. It was preaching to the converted pretty much though, but it made a few participants wanna join the revolution right away...
Shortly after this I was at the Commodore Ballroom watching an old Vancouver punk band 'the Enigmas' do a rare reunion show and I turned around and there was Jello Biafra standing a few feet away.So I tapped him on the shoulder and said hi and that I admired his activist work and thanks etc. Well he was polite and all but it scared the shit out of him, to be recognized by a total stranger etc, after his 'persecution' for obscenity...
A friend of ours was doing volunteer work for Co-op Radio in those days and she had interviewed him for broadcast. When I told her of bumping into him she concurred and said that when she had met him; he'd always sit back to the wall facing the door. He was a little paranoid after his experiences with the authorities......
but remember it's only paranoia when they're not all out to carve your ass...
And my 'dear Diary' reply to that:
Dear Diary,
scrolled back to Rotcoddam post about the Dead Kennedys and remembers when I saw them in concert back in 1984 at a converted roller skating rink. I also remember my skinhead friend named Dave who was as big as a house but sweeter than a candy apple, and his friend Glenn, who let me touch his "DOA" mowhawk and when asked how he keeps it so stiff, he replied; "well, molasses works okay, eggwhites are the best, mix that with some Gel and it'll stay up for days."
These images also spawn another memory of me- 16 1/2 with my mother in Cape Cod, in some teeny tiny beachside town, walking into a music store and buying a DK Greatest Plastic Surgery Disasters/in God We Trust cd. The the look on some poor woman's face when she saw me chewing through the plastic to get to the goodies and asked: It seems like you really want to look at that cd! Who is it?And my reply, not realizing that we were not too far from the family motherhouse: "Oh! it's the Dead Kennedys! They are so great!"I thought she was going to have a heart attack. It was only after I got into the car and 20 minutes later I gasped with dread and laughed so hard I nearly peed my pants.
Over and out
(the terminal Preppie - HPK)
But this was just beyond funny, I had to post it. Sometimes those spontaneous memories are the best!!
This was from a post on flickr in a group that I was part of. I think it's called apocalyptic or Hell. Either one is appropriate...
Rot's Jello Biafra Story...(Missy, he was a loud mouthed politically astute punk rocker and lead singer of the Dead Kennedy's ,(Who I first thought were a Vancouver band, they played a show in Vancouver on Nov 22, 1979, which I didn't see as I was unhip in a punk sense then...) who later made politically incendiary spoken word recordings and appearances as well as music collaborations. He was charged with obscenity for including an HR Geiger poster in a Dead Kennedy's album and had to go through a fairly draining and expensive struggle to defend his free speech and creative freedom and keep his ass out of jail. He's a very articulate fellow with anti-aurthoritarian instincts, a long memory and a finely honed bullshit detector. I personally would rather hear him talk than sing....)
Around 88-89 he was making trips up to Vancouver (he's from the Bay Area I believe) to do spoken word shows and work with some of the punk bands here like DOA or NoMeansNo. My roomate at the time had his first spoken word album (the one that had "Why I'm Glad the Space Shuttle Blew Up" on it) and Jello did a talk at a small cinema on East Hastings which I attended. It was right at the time of the buildup to the first Iraq War and he was doing the "No Blood For Oil" spoken word pieces. It was preaching to the converted pretty much though, but it made a few participants wanna join the revolution right away...
Shortly after this I was at the Commodore Ballroom watching an old Vancouver punk band 'the Enigmas' do a rare reunion show and I turned around and there was Jello Biafra standing a few feet away.So I tapped him on the shoulder and said hi and that I admired his activist work and thanks etc. Well he was polite and all but it scared the shit out of him, to be recognized by a total stranger etc, after his 'persecution' for obscenity...
A friend of ours was doing volunteer work for Co-op Radio in those days and she had interviewed him for broadcast. When I told her of bumping into him she concurred and said that when she had met him; he'd always sit back to the wall facing the door. He was a little paranoid after his experiences with the authorities......
but remember it's only paranoia when they're not all out to carve your ass...
And my 'dear Diary' reply to that:
Dear Diary,
scrolled back to Rotcoddam post about the Dead Kennedys and remembers when I saw them in concert back in 1984 at a converted roller skating rink. I also remember my skinhead friend named Dave who was as big as a house but sweeter than a candy apple, and his friend Glenn, who let me touch his "DOA" mowhawk and when asked how he keeps it so stiff, he replied; "well, molasses works okay, eggwhites are the best, mix that with some Gel and it'll stay up for days."
These images also spawn another memory of me- 16 1/2 with my mother in Cape Cod, in some teeny tiny beachside town, walking into a music store and buying a DK Greatest Plastic Surgery Disasters/in God We Trust cd. The the look on some poor woman's face when she saw me chewing through the plastic to get to the goodies and asked: It seems like you really want to look at that cd! Who is it?And my reply, not realizing that we were not too far from the family motherhouse: "Oh! it's the Dead Kennedys! They are so great!"I thought she was going to have a heart attack. It was only after I got into the car and 20 minutes later I gasped with dread and laughed so hard I nearly peed my pants.
Over and out
(the terminal Preppie - HPK)
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