I am giving my mother a picture for mother's day.
It's a picture of the sculpture that I saw in NYC, and I superimposed a quote by Victor Frankl on it. It's so beautiful, I had to make a copy for myself.
The quote was so apropriate, and the image meant so much to me - that moment of new beginings, of new perspective, it all made sense.
Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.
I hope it touches her the same way it touched me.
I'll let you know.
Happy mother's day :-)
Some quotes by Victor Frank that were too inspiring not to share...
A human being is a deciding being.
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
Challenging the meaning of life is the truest expression of the state of being human.
Each man is questioned by life; and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life he can only respond by being responsible.
Fear may come true that which one is afraid of.
Everyone has his own specific vocation or mission in life; everyone must carry out a concrete assignment that demands fulfillment. Therein he cannot be replaced, nor can his life be repeated, thus, everyone's task is unique as his specific opportunity to implement it.
For the meaning of life differs from man to man, from day to day and from hour to hour. What matters, therefore, is not the meaning of life in general but rather the specific meaning of a person's life at a given moment.
Just as a small fire is extinguished by the storm whereas a large fire is enhanced by it-likewise a weak faith is weakened by predicament and catastrophes whereas a strong faith is strengthened by them.
Life can be pulled by goals just as surely as it can be pushed by drives.
Live as if you were living a second time, and as though you had acted wrongly the first time.
Only to the extent that someone is living out this self transcendence of human existence, is he truly human or does he become his true self. He becomes so, not by concerning himself with his self's actualization, but by forgetting himself and giving himself, overlooking himself and focusing outward.
The last of human freedoms - the ability to chose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances.
Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather he must recognize that it is he who is asked.
What is to give light must endure burning.
When we are no longer able to change a situation - we are challenged to change ourselves.
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Saturday, May 13, 2006
The road is long, and keeps on getting longer...
So today was supposed to be mom's last day for chemo.
She was only supposed to have chemo for 4 weeks and that was it.
it all changed today.
Her white blood cell count was too low to get her treatment.
She has to go in Monday and take another blood test, and then the doctor will decide what to do next.
He also said: if I were you, or you were my relative, I'd say go on the chemo for a year - as supplemental therapy.
She flatly refused.
She says that she has to work - to pay her mortgage, her car bills, to live.
She says that she can't afford to take the chance that she will be too sick to work. Her job has lots of responsibilities, and she would only go to 1/2 salary after 6 months. Not enough to pay the bills.
When she told me that, I flipped.
She has pretty much signed her death certificate and is taking a big chance with her future and health.
I think she is just being stubborn (and talks about losing her hair) and is thinking too much about work when she should really be thinking about herself.
but it all comes down to money
what she needs, what she doesn't have, what she won't have...
I was stunned today.
I had made her a nice card that said : "welcome home from your long journey".
But the journey has just begun again, and it's a long road. Perhaps too fucken long for her, and I am so upset that she has decided not to go on the chemo for a year.
It's not like it's gonna be every day, 3 times a week, 1/2 the dose that she is getting now.
1/2 the exhaustion, 1/2 the dose, and as I told her - you take on 1/2 of the stress at work.
but she is stubborn, and I fear that vanity and fear of poverty are going to drive her to make a decision.
And I thought that it would be smooth sailing, but this mother's day will definitely be a special one, and hopefully , not the last...
She was only supposed to have chemo for 4 weeks and that was it.
it all changed today.
Her white blood cell count was too low to get her treatment.
She has to go in Monday and take another blood test, and then the doctor will decide what to do next.
He also said: if I were you, or you were my relative, I'd say go on the chemo for a year - as supplemental therapy.
She flatly refused.
She says that she has to work - to pay her mortgage, her car bills, to live.
She says that she can't afford to take the chance that she will be too sick to work. Her job has lots of responsibilities, and she would only go to 1/2 salary after 6 months. Not enough to pay the bills.
When she told me that, I flipped.
She has pretty much signed her death certificate and is taking a big chance with her future and health.
I think she is just being stubborn (and talks about losing her hair) and is thinking too much about work when she should really be thinking about herself.
but it all comes down to money
what she needs, what she doesn't have, what she won't have...
I was stunned today.
I had made her a nice card that said : "welcome home from your long journey".
But the journey has just begun again, and it's a long road. Perhaps too fucken long for her, and I am so upset that she has decided not to go on the chemo for a year.
It's not like it's gonna be every day, 3 times a week, 1/2 the dose that she is getting now.
1/2 the exhaustion, 1/2 the dose, and as I told her - you take on 1/2 of the stress at work.
but she is stubborn, and I fear that vanity and fear of poverty are going to drive her to make a decision.
And I thought that it would be smooth sailing, but this mother's day will definitely be a special one, and hopefully , not the last...
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Sometimes its the wings of desire that break us
I am going down that road again.
Why don't I learn to keep myself out of trouble?
I thought that the office season's finale would be a funny one.
It was - it was great, and it's my favorite show, but damm.
Shame on NBC for making such great season finales!!
I was so choked up by Jim and Pam's plight.
Romeo and Juliet minus the drama, keep a dash of irony, and throw in the 'cut to black - end of season finale' finality.
So sad, yet so sweet.
We've all been there.
I, perhaps, have been there more times than most...
(dry chuckles from the peanut gallery)
Could it be part of 'the true artist's makeup"?
This book is amazing.
run to get it.
If you consider yourself to be a little off the beaten path, worn around the edges and living through your art - read it.
And if you are someone who knows someone like this - read it too.
so to keep myself from wallowing in romantic yet tragic melancholy, I am going to open a cold beer, grab a bag of hot buttered popcorn, put the pms monster to bed, and pop in one of my all time favorite movies.
It give me hope that angels to have wings, and that dreams can come true.
A line from the poem which starts the film
Song of Childhood By Peter Handke
When the child was a child,
it had no opinion about anything,
had no habits,
it often sat cross-legged, took off running,
had a cowlick in its hair, and made no faces when photographed.
When the child was a child,
It was the time for these questions:
Why am I me, and why not you?
Why am I here, and why not there?
When did time begin, and where does space end?
Is life under the sun not just a dream?
Is what I see and hear and smell not just an illusion of a world before the world?
Given the facts of evil and people,
does evil really exist?
How can it be that I, who I am,
didn't exist before I came to be,
and that, someday,
I, who I am,
will no longer be who I am?
When the child was a child,
It threw a stick like a lance against a tree,
And it quivers there still today.
***
If only I could look at lifewithh those eyes of a child again...
Why don't I learn to keep myself out of trouble?
I thought that the office season's finale would be a funny one.
It was - it was great, and it's my favorite show, but damm.
Shame on NBC for making such great season finales!!
I was so choked up by Jim and Pam's plight.
Romeo and Juliet minus the drama, keep a dash of irony, and throw in the 'cut to black - end of season finale' finality.
So sad, yet so sweet.
We've all been there.
I, perhaps, have been there more times than most...
(dry chuckles from the peanut gallery)
Could it be part of 'the true artist's makeup"?
This book is amazing.
run to get it.
If you consider yourself to be a little off the beaten path, worn around the edges and living through your art - read it.
And if you are someone who knows someone like this - read it too.
so to keep myself from wallowing in romantic yet tragic melancholy, I am going to open a cold beer, grab a bag of hot buttered popcorn, put the pms monster to bed, and pop in one of my all time favorite movies.
It give me hope that angels to have wings, and that dreams can come true.
A line from the poem which starts the film
Song of Childhood By Peter Handke
When the child was a child,
it had no opinion about anything,
had no habits,
it often sat cross-legged, took off running,
had a cowlick in its hair, and made no faces when photographed.
When the child was a child,
It was the time for these questions:
Why am I me, and why not you?
Why am I here, and why not there?
When did time begin, and where does space end?
Is life under the sun not just a dream?
Is what I see and hear and smell not just an illusion of a world before the world?
Given the facts of evil and people,
does evil really exist?
How can it be that I, who I am,
didn't exist before I came to be,
and that, someday,
I, who I am,
will no longer be who I am?
When the child was a child,
It threw a stick like a lance against a tree,
And it quivers there still today.
***
If only I could look at lifewithh those eyes of a child again...
Reaching out
This goes out to all my flickr friends.
You are a beautiful group, and if the world were filled with people like you, there would be only love to heal all the pain and suffering around us.
(Please click on the photo to read more)
You are a beautiful group, and if the world were filled with people like you, there would be only love to heal all the pain and suffering around us.
(Please click on the photo to read more)
Conspiracy
Sometimes when I get tired, I mean extremely tired, and i've pushed my mind and body to the point of exhaustion, I tend to slip into a little mental space that's pretty dark and isolated.
I guess it's a form of self-preservation. I had a good friend of mine explain to me that 'going into our hole in the ground' is not necessary a bad thing, it's like hybernation. We need to do what the body tells us to do. If it's wintertime, we try to conserve energy. Perhaps the mind does the same thing on some level. Problem is that I have some extra chemicals that tend to tip the scales somewhat, and pull at the heartstrings of some nasty mantras in my head. The kind of self-defeating garbage through the teachings of Buddhisim and meditation I'm trying to sort through.
But sometimes the PMS monster comes back and kills the Buddha (sometimes, it's a good thing - "when you see Buddha on your path - KIll HIM" is part of one Koan, but I won't get into that now...)and then all those nasty little mind rats run amok.
Conspiracy, paranoia, worry. The wheel begins to turn. I must pull the plug on the merry-go-round before it spins out of control and off the lot of the amusement park! Being mindful of these 'instances' is a very interesting process. As is life.
As is my life so far...
Thank you dhammza for this beautiful photo...
I guess it's a form of self-preservation. I had a good friend of mine explain to me that 'going into our hole in the ground' is not necessary a bad thing, it's like hybernation. We need to do what the body tells us to do. If it's wintertime, we try to conserve energy. Perhaps the mind does the same thing on some level. Problem is that I have some extra chemicals that tend to tip the scales somewhat, and pull at the heartstrings of some nasty mantras in my head. The kind of self-defeating garbage through the teachings of Buddhisim and meditation I'm trying to sort through.
But sometimes the PMS monster comes back and kills the Buddha (sometimes, it's a good thing - "when you see Buddha on your path - KIll HIM" is part of one Koan, but I won't get into that now...)and then all those nasty little mind rats run amok.
Conspiracy, paranoia, worry. The wheel begins to turn. I must pull the plug on the merry-go-round before it spins out of control and off the lot of the amusement park! Being mindful of these 'instances' is a very interesting process. As is life.
As is my life so far...
Thank you dhammza for this beautiful photo...
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Impossible? What does it mean?
I believe that there are things that happen in life, and people in the world to teach us something about others and ourselves.
It's because of people like Pollo the world becomes brighter by the light of a million suns.
An email I sent to him this morning after receiving this photo dedication.
Thank you does not seem like enough, but it's a start....
Oh my God.
Sweetheart.
I am weeping tears of happiness.
You have moved me so deeply. I am at a complete and utter loss for words.
Your words, your beautiful words are my soul food. You are the most courageous and kind person I have ever met, and my love and admiration for you continues to grow in leaps and bounds.
Have I ever told you you're my hero?
I have to run, have a whole list of doctor appointments for the whole family, but please know that it's because of the unconditional love and strength you share with me and so many others, life has more meaning, and the world really does becomes a little less scary with you in it.
thank you does not seem like enough, but it's a start.
xo
hpk
HelloPhotoKittyOne
Thanks to To Be Or Not To Be, I've got a ride on Hellophotokitty One! It's pink and everything! How about that!?
My offical flying speedmobile.
My offical flying speedmobile.
Saturday, May 06, 2006
Take that leap...
I am changing.
It's coming fast, but not furious.
Things around me are shifting.
Had a nice talk with myself in the shower today. Reassured myself that things are going to be alright, that I will be okay, and that the only thing that stands in the way of me and what I want is myself.
It might take a while before I really beleive it, but it's a start.
I subscribe to this thing called Daily Ohm.
Very interesting stuff.
I think I might just start a blog with the ones that really resonate deeply within me.
Keeping a blog is good.
An alphabetical word map of my travels.
May 4, 2006
Growth Through Risk
Aries Daily Horoscope
The universe may seem like an unlimited source of abundance for you today. You could feel a sense of security about your life circumstances. Now may be a good time for you to take a few risks. While part of you may not want to take chances, opportunities could be around the corner if you make the effort to look for them. Perhaps you can take time to evaluate the parts of your life that could be ripe for growth. Try considering different avenues of growth, visualizing your potential, and setting a goal to undertake something new.
Taking risks involves letting go, and when you let go you will evolve. Expanding your potential is only possible when you make an effort to grow. Growth isn’t always comfortable, yet inherent to growth is the guarantee that you will stretch yourself beyond your limits to occupy new spaces within yourself and your life that are full of possibilities you have never explored.
When you take risks, you inevitably grow and discover new aspects of yourself. You are also relinquishing your need for things to stay the same and allowing life to guide you toward what is coming next. Trust that you have what it takes to succeed when taking chances today, and you will find that any kind of risk you take will lead to new opportunities.
It's coming fast, but not furious.
Things around me are shifting.
Had a nice talk with myself in the shower today. Reassured myself that things are going to be alright, that I will be okay, and that the only thing that stands in the way of me and what I want is myself.
It might take a while before I really beleive it, but it's a start.
I subscribe to this thing called Daily Ohm.
Very interesting stuff.
I think I might just start a blog with the ones that really resonate deeply within me.
Keeping a blog is good.
An alphabetical word map of my travels.
May 4, 2006
Growth Through Risk
Aries Daily Horoscope
The universe may seem like an unlimited source of abundance for you today. You could feel a sense of security about your life circumstances. Now may be a good time for you to take a few risks. While part of you may not want to take chances, opportunities could be around the corner if you make the effort to look for them. Perhaps you can take time to evaluate the parts of your life that could be ripe for growth. Try considering different avenues of growth, visualizing your potential, and setting a goal to undertake something new.
Taking risks involves letting go, and when you let go you will evolve. Expanding your potential is only possible when you make an effort to grow. Growth isn’t always comfortable, yet inherent to growth is the guarantee that you will stretch yourself beyond your limits to occupy new spaces within yourself and your life that are full of possibilities you have never explored.
When you take risks, you inevitably grow and discover new aspects of yourself. You are also relinquishing your need for things to stay the same and allowing life to guide you toward what is coming next. Trust that you have what it takes to succeed when taking chances today, and you will find that any kind of risk you take will lead to new opportunities.
Friday, May 05, 2006
Fun stuff for the astro addict in me...
Did I mention yesterday's post?
Well, for Thursday? May 4th?
Sometimes when a person finds his or her voice, self-awareness or what is often termed 'personal power', it can send the lives of people around them into a little crisis. Often the cause goes unacknowledged, for one thing, because it's so embarrassing to think that one person getting real can bring up so much insecurity. One of the reasons many people resist getting real is because 'it's scary'. I suggest you not make that mistake. Let each authentic moment lead to the next. Let honesty shine the light where fear once hid in the corners. Be yourself, no matter what they say.
I like that: be yourself, no matter what they say...
Now wait a minute, this sounds familliar!
Okay, onto Friday's forecast.
There are some moments when you can get a sense of your true direction. It's as if you look at the cosmic compass and discover what way you're headed, and find your location on the map. When you do that, you'll see that you are in a truly challenging situation, and you may not know exactly what to do. You may not understand this strange, intense mission you seem to be on. It may seem too intense or uncertain for you to handle - but I assure you, you can. Remember, nothing can stop you from doing what you need to do.
Hmm. I like where this is going.
So much is going on - the new gallery who picked up my stuff, more films coming up, more contacts being made - I'm determined this time to make this work. My motto? What have I got to lose?
And it's about time too.
Ahh spring - how wonderful it is!
Well, for Thursday? May 4th?
Sometimes when a person finds his or her voice, self-awareness or what is often termed 'personal power', it can send the lives of people around them into a little crisis. Often the cause goes unacknowledged, for one thing, because it's so embarrassing to think that one person getting real can bring up so much insecurity. One of the reasons many people resist getting real is because 'it's scary'. I suggest you not make that mistake. Let each authentic moment lead to the next. Let honesty shine the light where fear once hid in the corners. Be yourself, no matter what they say.
I like that: be yourself, no matter what they say...
Now wait a minute, this sounds familliar!
Okay, onto Friday's forecast.
There are some moments when you can get a sense of your true direction. It's as if you look at the cosmic compass and discover what way you're headed, and find your location on the map. When you do that, you'll see that you are in a truly challenging situation, and you may not know exactly what to do. You may not understand this strange, intense mission you seem to be on. It may seem too intense or uncertain for you to handle - but I assure you, you can. Remember, nothing can stop you from doing what you need to do.
Hmm. I like where this is going.
So much is going on - the new gallery who picked up my stuff, more films coming up, more contacts being made - I'm determined this time to make this work. My motto? What have I got to lose?
And it's about time too.
Ahh spring - how wonderful it is!
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
It's good to be me...
Interesting thing about 'being me' - this scope says it so well.
There have been times when people have actually run away from me because they said that they could'nt handle my intensity. And for a long time, I struggled with that, but now I embrace it. Although I'm not out of the roof manic all over the map depressed (I contribute my mellowing out to age and life experience), I still have that fire which runs through my veins, and it's all good.
There have been times when people have actually run away from me because they said that they could'nt handle my intensity. And for a long time, I struggled with that, but now I embrace it. Although I'm not out of the roof manic all over the map depressed (I contribute my mellowing out to age and life experience), I still have that fire which runs through my veins, and it's all good.
| Thursday, 4th May 2006
|  ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 20) | ||
| Sometimes when a person finds his or her voice, self-awareness or what is often termed 'personal power', it can send the lives of people around them into a little crisis. Often the cause goes unacknowledged, for one thing, because it's so embarrassing to think that one person getting real can bring up so much insecurity. One of the reasons many people resist getting real is because 'it's scary'. I suggest you not make that mistake. Let each authentic moment lead to the next. Let honesty shine the light where fear once hid in the corners. Be yourself, no matter what they say. | |||
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
New York Loves My Photos!!
Well, I am so very happy to say that not one, not two, but 3 of my photos have been selected to be in another juried exhibition in Long Island New York!!!! I am floored!!!!
I am so excited! This gives me yet ANOTHER excuse to go down to New York - for the opening of the show, and then come back for the closing to pick up my stuff!!! HAHAHAHHA!
Here is the site - the exposition is called "Bodyscapes"
ooh!! I am so excited and delighted!!
And GO FIGURE!!
I have submitted to countless galleries and expositions here in the city and across Canada - not one reply. Nada.
WELL SCREW THEM!
New York city calls me and that's where I'll gladly go!!!
I am so excited! This gives me yet ANOTHER excuse to go down to New York - for the opening of the show, and then come back for the closing to pick up my stuff!!! HAHAHAHHA!
Here is the site - the exposition is called "Bodyscapes"
ooh!! I am so excited and delighted!!
And GO FIGURE!!
I have submitted to countless galleries and expositions here in the city and across Canada - not one reply. Nada.
WELL SCREW THEM!
New York city calls me and that's where I'll gladly go!!!
Monday, May 01, 2006
If I were in a rock and roll band...
if I were in a rock and roll band
this is the guitar I would have.
That and a hellokitty hairclip in my hair.
And this is from the site...
Plenty of girl-friendly attitude!
With a fixed bridge and single humbucking pickup, this Kitty is ready to rock. Agathis body, maple 25-1/2"-scale neck, die-cast chrome machine heads, single volume control, jumbo frets, and a custom Hello Kitty pickguard.
Squier® Hello Kitty Stratocaster Electric Guitar Features:
Agathis body
Maple neck
Medium jumbo frets
Die-cast chrome machine heads
Chrome hardware
Fixed bridge
Single humbucking pickup
Volume control
Custom pickguard with Hello Kitty graphic
Squier® Hello Kitty Stratocaster Electric Guitar Specifications:
25-1/2" scale length
1.610" nut width
21 frets
A great gift for aspiring girl rockers.
Order your Hello Kitty Strat right now
Plenty of girl-friendly attitude!
Pause.
I can't beleive it.
Just as I am typing this, E is in his room/studio sampling some kitty meows.
Meow meow meow-meow meow.
Descending and ascending up the melodic scale.
Could somebody please stick a fork in my eyes and pull out my eardrums before I kill somebody.
men and their toys...
A little self indulgent astro cack.
Yea, so I read this guy's forecasts every day.
I'm an astro freak.
But I've had a black cat and walked under numerous ladders thank you very much...
Monday, 1st May 2006
-->
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
You seem to be waiting for something. It's as if you can see, feel, smell and dream it - but it's not there. Sometimes it feels like another person. Sometimes it feels like an experience or a change in your life. Has it occurred to you that you're waiting for yourself? Have you ever imagined you could wake up in a sudden burst of revelation and just know, feel, understand and experience yourself as who you really are? Would that be amazing? If so, keep imagining; keep visioning the subtle idea of your own birth into the world, because you are fast approaching.
I'm liking that revelation thing.
Sounds good to me.
I'm an astro freak.
But I've had a black cat and walked under numerous ladders thank you very much...
Monday, 1st May 2006
-->
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
You seem to be waiting for something. It's as if you can see, feel, smell and dream it - but it's not there. Sometimes it feels like another person. Sometimes it feels like an experience or a change in your life. Has it occurred to you that you're waiting for yourself? Have you ever imagined you could wake up in a sudden burst of revelation and just know, feel, understand and experience yourself as who you really are? Would that be amazing? If so, keep imagining; keep visioning the subtle idea of your own birth into the world, because you are fast approaching.
I'm liking that revelation thing.
Sounds good to me.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Life without camera...
This sucks big time.
My mind is translating everything I see into 'what would this be like if I could take a picture of it? I wonder what it would look like if I had my camera now?"
I hate this.
And the canadian dollar is looking quite nice against the american too.
I want to go buy a camera - soon.
I wil try to see who I can drag with me to NYC to camera heaven (B&H) so I can get my photographic fix....
For someone who processes everything primarily with her eyes, this is a really trying time for me....
damm newfangled electronic cameras!!
My mind is translating everything I see into 'what would this be like if I could take a picture of it? I wonder what it would look like if I had my camera now?"
I hate this.
And the canadian dollar is looking quite nice against the american too.
I want to go buy a camera - soon.
I wil try to see who I can drag with me to NYC to camera heaven (B&H) so I can get my photographic fix....
For someone who processes everything primarily with her eyes, this is a really trying time for me....
damm newfangled electronic cameras!!
Modern Medicine
I am helping my mom as much as I can while she goes through her chemo. And if she needed a kidney, I would have given her that too.
This photo and it's starkness, serenity and hope touched me so much, I had to post it.
It makes me happy to know that there are people out there who really do care, and would sacrifice part of themselves for the people they love.
Beautiful story and image Blackwing.
This photo and it's starkness, serenity and hope touched me so much, I had to post it.
It makes me happy to know that there are people out there who really do care, and would sacrifice part of themselves for the people they love.
Beautiful story and image Blackwing.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
R.I.P
I am overcome with sadness.
My camera, my backup (which was once my primary camera for more than 10 years) has died.
I am offically without a camera.
And I feel as if my eyes have been torn out.
It's as if I had lost a good friend.
It was thanks to that camera that my journey into self-portraiture began.
Perhaps you think it's silly for a grown woman to mourn the breakdown of a block of plastic, metal and computer chips, but to the photographer, a camera is an extension of the body.
My body.
And now it's gone.
And it's hard to guage, with everything going on in my life right now, when I will be able to get another one - digital or 35mm.
It's a sad day - hellophotokitty might just be a sadkitty for a while...
Monday, April 24, 2006
Happy Easter
Happy Greek Orthodox Easter to all my friends.
This photo touched me in so many ways, especially after reading what Lady Vervaine said about it...
"I've had all kinds of ups and downs with religion. A long time ago, I thought it made sense of the world; made sense of who I was; even made sense of death. But these days, it makes no sense to me at all.
So I feel a little strange, taking pictures of these people, with their glow of faith. I wish I shared it, and yet I'm glad I don't – both feelings at the same time. Confused? Yes, I am. About so many things, and this one more than most."
A feeling of inertia in a world of solids and forms.
This photo touched me in so many ways, especially after reading what Lady Vervaine said about it...
"I've had all kinds of ups and downs with religion. A long time ago, I thought it made sense of the world; made sense of who I was; even made sense of death. But these days, it makes no sense to me at all.
So I feel a little strange, taking pictures of these people, with their glow of faith. I wish I shared it, and yet I'm glad I don't – both feelings at the same time. Confused? Yes, I am. About so many things, and this one more than most."
A feeling of inertia in a world of solids and forms.
Duck and cover your mouth when you cough.
Paranoia.
Update your Will. Hopefully this won't be necessary but not all of us are going to survive
I have become an information junkie and it's scaring the shit out of me.
Hope for the best, but plan for the worst...
CNN, MSNBC are the ones I frequent the most. And the Weather Channel. Can't forget that one.
I hate programs like Dateline. Why?
Too much information.
It's the overload of doom and gloom - worst possible case scenarios that make me even more paranoid than normal.
(paranoia level: Yellow - Elevated)
Find a Place in the Country. If you live in the city, you will be surrounded by anarchy. Catastrophes such as this always lead to civil disorder. If you can escape the city you will be much safer. If you don't have one, consider purchasing a trailer. If you can't afford it, consider a tent.
Tonight's episode of wrath was all about a flu pandemic - imminent and about to strike any minute. People in the thousands will be dying. It could be years before a vaccine would be developed to combat the various mutating strains. Keep enough water and perishable food items to last you and your family about two weeks - and oh yea, stock up on your medication (but please don't hoard the Tamiflu) - BUT DON'T PANIC!
Since commerce will be severely interrupted during a pandemic, bartering will become the accepted means of exchange. Having a good supply of face masks will give you a commodity that will enable you to trade with others.
Disaster disaster - we're all gonna die some horrible death.
Ring around the posy - scars, Ebola, H5N1 avian influenza,
we all fall down.
" During a pandemic ...we will see a collapse of the global economy as we know it which means that we're going to run out of those things ...things like medical supplies, drugs, masks, whatever." -- Michael T. Osterholm, Director, Center for Infectious Disease Research and Policy at the University of Minnesota, speaking on the Oprah Show, January 24/06
When I was a kid, I used to have nightmares about a nuclear attack.
The cold war had a wind chill of -20 and terrified me.
How to prepare in case of a nuclear attack - duck and cover.
How naive were we back then.
How real the threat now.
Airborne particles are gonna kill ya!
No place to hide!
I hope I don't have nightmares tonight.
"Up to one billion people could die around the whole world in six months.... We are half a step away from a worldwide pandemic catastrophe." Dmitry K. Lvov, Director, D.I. Ivanovsky Institute of Virology, Russian Academy of Medical Sciences.
That's the problem with being medicated for manic/depression. Sometimes it just takes one thing to start the merry-go-round spin out of control.
Whether or not it will happen this year, and whether or not it will be as catastrophic as many virologists are predicting, one thing is clear: There WILL be a pandemic of unimaginable proportions some time soon
We all fall down
but get back up.
I must get back up.
my mom needs me, as I too
need myself.
And God bless Canada - and the CBC
I've got the flu! What do I do?
Rent some movies and prepare to spend seven to 10 days at home, resting.
Update your Will. Hopefully this won't be necessary but not all of us are going to survive
I have become an information junkie and it's scaring the shit out of me.
Hope for the best, but plan for the worst...
CNN, MSNBC are the ones I frequent the most. And the Weather Channel. Can't forget that one.
I hate programs like Dateline. Why?
Too much information.
It's the overload of doom and gloom - worst possible case scenarios that make me even more paranoid than normal.
(paranoia level: Yellow - Elevated)
Find a Place in the Country. If you live in the city, you will be surrounded by anarchy. Catastrophes such as this always lead to civil disorder. If you can escape the city you will be much safer. If you don't have one, consider purchasing a trailer. If you can't afford it, consider a tent.
Tonight's episode of wrath was all about a flu pandemic - imminent and about to strike any minute. People in the thousands will be dying. It could be years before a vaccine would be developed to combat the various mutating strains. Keep enough water and perishable food items to last you and your family about two weeks - and oh yea, stock up on your medication (but please don't hoard the Tamiflu) - BUT DON'T PANIC!
Since commerce will be severely interrupted during a pandemic, bartering will become the accepted means of exchange. Having a good supply of face masks will give you a commodity that will enable you to trade with others.
Disaster disaster - we're all gonna die some horrible death.
Ring around the posy - scars, Ebola, H5N1 avian influenza,
we all fall down.
" During a pandemic ...we will see a collapse of the global economy as we know it which means that we're going to run out of those things ...things like medical supplies, drugs, masks, whatever." -- Michael T. Osterholm, Director, Center for Infectious Disease Research and Policy at the University of Minnesota, speaking on the Oprah Show, January 24/06
When I was a kid, I used to have nightmares about a nuclear attack.
The cold war had a wind chill of -20 and terrified me.
How to prepare in case of a nuclear attack - duck and cover.
How naive were we back then.
How real the threat now.
Airborne particles are gonna kill ya!
No place to hide!
I hope I don't have nightmares tonight.
"Up to one billion people could die around the whole world in six months.... We are half a step away from a worldwide pandemic catastrophe." Dmitry K. Lvov, Director, D.I. Ivanovsky Institute of Virology, Russian Academy of Medical Sciences.
That's the problem with being medicated for manic/depression. Sometimes it just takes one thing to start the merry-go-round spin out of control.
Whether or not it will happen this year, and whether or not it will be as catastrophic as many virologists are predicting, one thing is clear: There WILL be a pandemic of unimaginable proportions some time soon
We all fall down
but get back up.
I must get back up.
my mom needs me, as I too
need myself.
And God bless Canada - and the CBC
I've got the flu! What do I do?
Rent some movies and prepare to spend seven to 10 days at home, resting.
Good advice eh?
Friday, April 21, 2006
A letter to a friend...
A letter to a friend...
This was a letter to a friend I wrote two nights ago.
I was feeling so down, lost and alone.
Sometimes venting is a good thing.
(and Zara ;-) Thanks for commenting here :-) We'll talk and I'll address those 'things' in-depth very soon on this blog...
Hey girl.
How are you doing?
Sorry I have been silent lately - so much to fucken crap to chew on...
Got word that the treatment will make mom progressively sicker as each week passes. That is not too good of a thing. As the 3rd and 4th week come closer, my worries about how much I can take care of her begin to mount. Apparently, it might take her 4 to 6 months to recover.
Ouf.
That's the shit.
I have not even thought of the idea that the cancer might come back, or that she might have to have chemo for a year. I really have too much on my plate. I am trying to stay afloat.
Everything just seems so overwhelming at times.
I read a book that said the majority of cancer patients have had many stressors in their life - a serious shock at an early age. I worry that I am the poster child for something to be inside of me - a time bomb. Heard today that my great grandfather and grandfather (on mom's side) both had cancer (liver and bladder), no to mention my dad who had bladder cancer as well. Now my mom.
Yea, stamp a fucken giant C on my forehead?!
I am just scared and rambling.
I am begining to know how you feel when you talk about your breast cancer concerns.
It's in my family, it's in yours. Its everyfuckenwhere.
I know you know that it's hard keeping optimistic here in her casa.
She watches CNN -ALL THE TIME! Quite the information junkie.
All doom and gloom 24 hours a day. Ticker tape along the bottom spelling out the inevitable extinction of the human race, the planet. Now the san Francisco thing. I try to stay away, up in my own little hideaway where old "Canadian Home Living" magazines tempt and comfort me with picture perfect home cooked pot roasts and white bread words of wisdom from housewives in Nova Scotia.
It's hard staying here.
I thought it wouldn't be as bad, but some days it is.
It's not gonna get any better either - cumulative side effects of the medication as it floats through her system.
So I just wanted to say hello before I go to bed and that you are always on my mind. You, your man, your baby, your two doggies and your house - all back home again. A lease on a whole new life.
Oh girl, how I envy you. There is finally some peace and happiness in your world, and you bella, of all people I know, deserve it so very much.
End of week 1
I am so exhausted right now.
We just got through week one - and when I say 'we', it means the whole truckload of us.
Mom, E, Bettee and myself.
waiting and doctors
white hallways and stale sandwitches
hand disenfictant and doctors, nurses, volunteers
and sick people
so many sick people with cancer.
It was really hard to wrap my head around how many people were having various kinds of treatment for cancer - new ones every day - never the same one twice.
She's feeling flu-ish as to be expected.
Yesterday was such a good day, she wanted to go shopping with me.
And today we walked 8 long blocks just because she felt like walking.
The side effects are cumulative so she is expecting the heavy stuff to rear it's ugly sickly head in the next two weeks.
- don't be a fortune teller! You don't know that for sure, and the doctor said that Alpha Interferon has different side effects for everybody.
- have you had your 3 liters of water today?
- are you doing your 'positive imaging" ? Zapping those cancer cells in your body with Lady Pac Man sized interferon interceptors?
now I feel like the mother.
Weary and worn, but hanging in.
Got two cinematography jobs lined up for me late May into June. Short stints - but the # 2 one has a HUGE French Canadian singer/actor attached to it. I think this is gonna be the director's big break.
finally
Hell, he met me for the first time, I agreed to be the Director of Photography for a 48 hour short film festival marathon and won 2nd prize for best technical achievement.
This could be the start of something big...
We just got through week one - and when I say 'we', it means the whole truckload of us.
Mom, E, Bettee and myself.
waiting and doctors
white hallways and stale sandwitches
hand disenfictant and doctors, nurses, volunteers
and sick people
so many sick people with cancer.
It was really hard to wrap my head around how many people were having various kinds of treatment for cancer - new ones every day - never the same one twice.
She's feeling flu-ish as to be expected.
Yesterday was such a good day, she wanted to go shopping with me.
And today we walked 8 long blocks just because she felt like walking.
The side effects are cumulative so she is expecting the heavy stuff to rear it's ugly sickly head in the next two weeks.
- don't be a fortune teller! You don't know that for sure, and the doctor said that Alpha Interferon has different side effects for everybody.
- have you had your 3 liters of water today?
- are you doing your 'positive imaging" ? Zapping those cancer cells in your body with Lady Pac Man sized interferon interceptors?
now I feel like the mother.
Weary and worn, but hanging in.
Got two cinematography jobs lined up for me late May into June. Short stints - but the # 2 one has a HUGE French Canadian singer/actor attached to it. I think this is gonna be the director's big break.
finally
Hell, he met me for the first time, I agreed to be the Director of Photography for a 48 hour short film festival marathon and won 2nd prize for best technical achievement.
This could be the start of something big...
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Hybernate
I guess I'll be hiding for a while...
...
Naaah.
I won't be gone for too long. My writing is my therapy, it keeps me sane and connected to the real world.
I mean, with my camera broken and all, writing is all I really have to stay sane, and God knows I will need to stay sane for the next 4 weeks...
I'll be back.
A few more stories.
I have discovered Beckett.
This guy kicks serious theater ass
...
Naaah.
I won't be gone for too long. My writing is my therapy, it keeps me sane and connected to the real world.
I mean, with my camera broken and all, writing is all I really have to stay sane, and God knows I will need to stay sane for the next 4 weeks...
I'll be back.
A few more stories.
I have discovered Beckett.
This guy kicks serious theater ass
Friday, April 14, 2006
Today's astro info - full moon rising
Bloody fucken migraine.
I've had it for the past 3 days and I suspect tension.
The upcoming stress of mom's chemo, my stress about not having a solid job and still having to get my shit in order (ya, that comes with the stress and headache of finding the best price for a camera...) the stress over the past few days to meet deadlines for art festivals. It's all piling up, and it's all in my head.
Literally.
Just just got an email from my Swedish babe chicklet - she is due in September!!
I really hope she comes to full term. She has been so unlucky in the past few years. It would be so amazing - and I would be an auntie.
Speaking of aunties - I am one as of last Sunday. My little cousin had a baby. This is my little cousin with whom I used to sing Karaoke (and back in the early 70's it had not even been discovered yet) to old Rolling Stones and Tom Jones Lp's, my little cousin with whom I used to ride elevator in my grandmother's closet with, my little cousin with whom we devised magic potion to keep flies away from dog shit (it was made with an old solution of Lilt Home Perm, 30 year old bath salt blocks, French Formula hairspray, and whatever we could find in my grandmother's bathroom basement (which would have been an anthropologist's delight!). My little cousin - little L. The girl who was my most convenient younger sister - because as soon as I went home, she became my cousin again.
What kind of a great deal was that?
So back to the migraine...
Pills pills pills and icepacks for the neck.
caffeine in pills, caffeine in cups.
ice ice ice
It's not helping much, but I'm lucid enough to type this
barely.
So here we go again - looking to the stars for guidance.
Sounds like a promising weekend.
not!
Friday, 14th April 2006
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
So, you think you know where the limits lie, do you? You are sure about what is or isn't possible, are you? You've looked at your current situation from every angle and you've appraised it accurately, have you? Sorry to take a slightly confrontational tone. It's just that events, this weekend, intend to be similarly challenging in the way that they require you to rethink the boundaries and barriers in your world. Something surprisingly exciting is attainable. Despite recent misgivings, you'll soon have reason to feel very enthusiastic.
I've had it for the past 3 days and I suspect tension.
The upcoming stress of mom's chemo, my stress about not having a solid job and still having to get my shit in order (ya, that comes with the stress and headache of finding the best price for a camera...) the stress over the past few days to meet deadlines for art festivals. It's all piling up, and it's all in my head.
Literally.
Just just got an email from my Swedish babe chicklet - she is due in September!!
I really hope she comes to full term. She has been so unlucky in the past few years. It would be so amazing - and I would be an auntie.
Speaking of aunties - I am one as of last Sunday. My little cousin had a baby. This is my little cousin with whom I used to sing Karaoke (and back in the early 70's it had not even been discovered yet) to old Rolling Stones and Tom Jones Lp's, my little cousin with whom I used to ride elevator in my grandmother's closet with, my little cousin with whom we devised magic potion to keep flies away from dog shit (it was made with an old solution of Lilt Home Perm, 30 year old bath salt blocks, French Formula hairspray, and whatever we could find in my grandmother's bathroom basement (which would have been an anthropologist's delight!). My little cousin - little L. The girl who was my most convenient younger sister - because as soon as I went home, she became my cousin again.
What kind of a great deal was that?
So back to the migraine...
Pills pills pills and icepacks for the neck.
caffeine in pills, caffeine in cups.
ice ice ice
It's not helping much, but I'm lucid enough to type this
barely.
So here we go again - looking to the stars for guidance.
Sounds like a promising weekend.
not!
Friday, 14th April 2006
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
So, you think you know where the limits lie, do you? You are sure about what is or isn't possible, are you? You've looked at your current situation from every angle and you've appraised it accurately, have you? Sorry to take a slightly confrontational tone. It's just that events, this weekend, intend to be similarly challenging in the way that they require you to rethink the boundaries and barriers in your world. Something surprisingly exciting is attainable. Despite recent misgivings, you'll soon have reason to feel very enthusiastic.
Thursday, April 13, 2006
Ignition
Ignition engaged
Take off successful...
sometimes when I'm mildly manic (but is this really manic? I can remember a time when my meds were workimg and I was feeling great - not because I was manic, not because the meds were swishing around in my brain, but because things seemed genuinely hopeful. Things felt right. There was an opening in the cloudy skies, solutions were becoming clear, and there was a slight glimmer of hope for the future.
Quarter to Two and I am feeling this right now.
I have spent the past 3 hours looking up calls for entries for photography shows. The web is great for that - a link to a link to a link...
Found so many great places to enter - some which were pricy, but others which were actually free (the best kind). I had a look at my pix again - the blue series, and realized just how powerful they really are. Somebody on flickr was so moved by them, he started his own group called -vulnerability (at least I think, it's too late to check now, will do that later). He wrote me this beautiful message that almost brought tears to my eyes.
It just blows me away each time somebody says that my photos (my little photos) inspire, frighten, excite or educate them.
a) I never thought that something I used to do just because it was fun would amount to anything that would be of any use to anybody
and
b) that my work would touch somebody so much that they would feel so compelled to tell me and thank me for doing so.
hmm
that's so fucken cool...
So I am on my way to bed, exhausted and run down, getting ready for the Easter weekend (just means more things will be closed for longer) and then pack on Sunday night and get ready to spend time while mom starts her chemo (interferon) on Monday.
Worry worry worry.
I am trying not to do too much of that cause I feel the ground beneath beginning to shift. Things are happening, the sleeping buds on trees are beginning to stir.
I hope it's a new beginning.
Let's make it a new beginning...
Take off successful...
sometimes when I'm mildly manic (but is this really manic? I can remember a time when my meds were workimg and I was feeling great - not because I was manic, not because the meds were swishing around in my brain, but because things seemed genuinely hopeful. Things felt right. There was an opening in the cloudy skies, solutions were becoming clear, and there was a slight glimmer of hope for the future.
Quarter to Two and I am feeling this right now.
I have spent the past 3 hours looking up calls for entries for photography shows. The web is great for that - a link to a link to a link...
Found so many great places to enter - some which were pricy, but others which were actually free (the best kind). I had a look at my pix again - the blue series, and realized just how powerful they really are. Somebody on flickr was so moved by them, he started his own group called -vulnerability (at least I think, it's too late to check now, will do that later). He wrote me this beautiful message that almost brought tears to my eyes.
It just blows me away each time somebody says that my photos (my little photos) inspire, frighten, excite or educate them.
a) I never thought that something I used to do just because it was fun would amount to anything that would be of any use to anybody
and
b) that my work would touch somebody so much that they would feel so compelled to tell me and thank me for doing so.
hmm
that's so fucken cool...
So I am on my way to bed, exhausted and run down, getting ready for the Easter weekend (just means more things will be closed for longer) and then pack on Sunday night and get ready to spend time while mom starts her chemo (interferon) on Monday.
Worry worry worry.
I am trying not to do too much of that cause I feel the ground beneath beginning to shift. Things are happening, the sleeping buds on trees are beginning to stir.
I hope it's a new beginning.
Let's make it a new beginning...
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
challenge your beliefs
I met Jen while I was in Seattle a few weeks ago. She is such a beautiful person and a great source of inspiration for me, and I am sure, for many other people as well...
I had read a book based on the writings of st.john of the cross entitled "Dark night of the soul". The term and metaphysicality of the phrase "dark night of the soul" are taken from the writings of the Spanish poet and Roman Catholic mystic Saint John of the Cross, a Carmelite priest in the 16th century. Dark Night of the Soul is the name of both a poem, and a commentary on that poem, and are among the Carmelite priest's most famous writings. They tell of his mystic development and the stages he went through on his quest for holiness.
a further definition is taken from Wikepedia:
"Dark Night of the Soul" is a term used to describe a specific phase in a person's spiritual life. It is used as a metaphor to describe the experience of loneliness and desolation that can occur during psychic or spiritual growth.
The "dark night" could generally be described as a letting go of our ego's hold on the psyche, making room for change that can bring about a complete transformation of a person's way of defining his/her self and their relationship to God. The interim period can be frightening, hence the perceived "darkness". In the Christian tradition, during the "dark night" one who has developed a strong prayer life and consistent devotion to God suddenly finds traditional prayer extremely difficult and unrewarding for an extended period of time. The individual may feel as though God has suddenly abandoned them, or that their prayer life has collapsed.
Rather than being a negative event, the dark night is believed by mystics and others to be a blessing in disguise where the individual is trained to grow from vocal and mental prayer, to a deeper contemplative prayer of the soul. Particularly in Christianity, it is seen as a severe test of one's faith. The Dark Night comes in two phases: a first "Night of the Senses," and a second "Night of the Spirit."
Depression is another form of 'a dark night of the soul", and it need not necessairly be a bad thing. At times, overwhelming, but if one is strong enough, it can be a space where self-discovery grows from emptyness.
"Dark Night of the Soul" is a term used to describe a specific phase in a person's spiritual life. It is used as a metaphor to describe the experience of loneliness and desolation that can occur during psychic or spiritual growth.
In this mystic's writing, his approach ideology of suffering seems more akin to early Islamic or Judaic works in its more direct route to communication to God, teaching us to look at the horrors and joys of the world, the cycles of birth and death, the wars and destructions as a natural process of life and something to embrace rather than fear.
I had read a book based on the writings of st.john of the cross entitled "Dark night of the soul". The term and metaphysicality of the phrase "dark night of the soul" are taken from the writings of the Spanish poet and Roman Catholic mystic Saint John of the Cross, a Carmelite priest in the 16th century. Dark Night of the Soul is the name of both a poem, and a commentary on that poem, and are among the Carmelite priest's most famous writings. They tell of his mystic development and the stages he went through on his quest for holiness.
a further definition is taken from Wikepedia:
"Dark Night of the Soul" is a term used to describe a specific phase in a person's spiritual life. It is used as a metaphor to describe the experience of loneliness and desolation that can occur during psychic or spiritual growth.
The "dark night" could generally be described as a letting go of our ego's hold on the psyche, making room for change that can bring about a complete transformation of a person's way of defining his/her self and their relationship to God. The interim period can be frightening, hence the perceived "darkness". In the Christian tradition, during the "dark night" one who has developed a strong prayer life and consistent devotion to God suddenly finds traditional prayer extremely difficult and unrewarding for an extended period of time. The individual may feel as though God has suddenly abandoned them, or that their prayer life has collapsed.
Rather than being a negative event, the dark night is believed by mystics and others to be a blessing in disguise where the individual is trained to grow from vocal and mental prayer, to a deeper contemplative prayer of the soul. Particularly in Christianity, it is seen as a severe test of one's faith. The Dark Night comes in two phases: a first "Night of the Senses," and a second "Night of the Spirit."
Depression is another form of 'a dark night of the soul", and it need not necessairly be a bad thing. At times, overwhelming, but if one is strong enough, it can be a space where self-discovery grows from emptyness.
"Dark Night of the Soul" is a term used to describe a specific phase in a person's spiritual life. It is used as a metaphor to describe the experience of loneliness and desolation that can occur during psychic or spiritual growth.
In this mystic's writing, his approach ideology of suffering seems more akin to early Islamic or Judaic works in its more direct route to communication to God, teaching us to look at the horrors and joys of the world, the cycles of birth and death, the wars and destructions as a natural process of life and something to embrace rather than fear.
Monday, April 10, 2006
Hostess cakes - nexus of the universe
On a lighter note...
Seattle is the home of Hostess Cakes.
Who knew?
Every time I'd make my way down to the art festival gallery, I'd smell the vanilla breeze from up the block.
I made my way around the plant several times, looking for dumpsters, anything. But I guess their waste management is pretty strick.
Not a golden crumb to be found anywhere...
Seattle is the home of Hostess Cakes.
Who knew?
Every time I'd make my way down to the art festival gallery, I'd smell the vanilla breeze from up the block.
I made my way around the plant several times, looking for dumpsters, anything. But I guess their waste management is pretty strick.
Not a golden crumb to be found anywhere...
Sunday, April 09, 2006
drifting in a sea of corpses
E is listening to his strange "noise" music on his walkman.
I hear the occasional ping and pop followed by a weird shrill.
"noise" it is, and I find it quite distracting.
I am usally alone when I type during one of my typing marathons.
Alone and quiet - only the clack clack of my fingers on the plastic keys -
that is somehow soothing
reminding me that I can find solace and refuge in my words that I convey to you,
my readers -
and to you -
myself - me...
I saw a disturbing movie last night - Shame by Ingmar Bergman.
Bergman is one of my favorite all time filmmakers in the world.
This film was different from the rest of his works.
It was quite disturbing.
Very disturbing in fact.
I woke up this morning with images, sounds - snippets from the black and white subtitled 2 hour visual and auditory session
existential residue on my mind map of consciousness.
Well, what's this movie about?
In short - can I sum it up in 30 words or less?
Gritty, brutal and supple, Ingmar Bergman's Shame (1968) stands as one of the best antiwar films ever made, a fact made more amazing by its relative lack of notoriety, even among Bergman aficionados. With a particular and refreshing abstention from art-house navel-gazing, Shame is an apolitical home-front horror show where life during wartime slowly shifts from existing in a state of petty complacency to, literally, drifting in a sea of corpses. Focusing exclusively on the way war unsettles and corrupts the lives of civilians, Bergman's film scans on a primal level like a "Twilight Zone" episode gone unstoppably, sickeningly real.
And I couldn’t have said it better myself.
I suggest you see it, if only to say you watched a Bergman film.
And yes, you might wake up with the same kind of morning breath dream sludge that is hauntingly difficult to shake off that i am experiencing now.
***
My mom's chemo starts on the 17th.
Life is going to change for us - life as we have known it up till now will shift. A foreign element will shake up and invade our daily routines, routines which we have come to treasure as ritual, normal and constant.
A foreign invader - aggressive and ready for battle.
We must be ready to flight or concede defeat.
I guess that's where the film comes in.
I have woken up with my Scandinavian colored glasses -
(bought at Ikea...lol)
and the world seems a tad bit sharper than usual.
I'll have to stay with her while she adjusts to the chemicals - gauge how ill she'll become, how weak she'll be, how much discomfort it will cause her.
The treatment will last for four weeks - taking us into mid - May.
Summer will be close by.
thank God for that
At least that.
***
I wish I had a guitar.
I used to be quite good at playing guitar - flamenco to be exact.
Good, well I am being modest.
go ahead - you so rarely boast about your abilities.
I was quite talented - at the age of 14, my teacher urged me to take a university exam which would have allowed me to actually teach as a certified instructor.
Did I ever follow through?
Naaah.
I got scared and she got pregnant.
One project ends, another begins.
I played for my own pleasure until a few years later when my father re-claimed my classical guitar. My only guitar. I didn't have enough $ to buy a new one, and by the time I did, the more important things in life such as balloon pants, pointy shoes and mesh tops were at the top of my priority list.
Ahh. Gotta love the 80's.
I came across some old music books the other day, one in particular that she had stolen for me from school. Spiral binding partially untwisted at the ends, worn pages yellowed, reproduced hand written notes alongside Spanish and Italian words woven in between passing tones and a perfect cadence.
Romance De Amor by Vicente Gomez .
I remember the first time I played this piece - in its entirety. Tears streamed down my cheeks as every note reverberated throughout the wooden body held close to my chest ; each note seemed so familiar to me. My fingers swept effortlessly across the warmed wood, the sweet smell of cedar taken in with each strum.
...
Good Lord.
That sounds so wretchedly romantic.
euck
but romantic it was - the mood, the tempo, the harmony.
Vivaldi was my favorite.
Perhaps it was the bittersweet melancholy and simplicity of his Guitar Concerto In D Major that moved me the most; but each time I heard that piece, a profound sense of resignation, akin to what I imagine a peaceful acceptance of death would feel like, consumed me.
Death.
Resignation,
acceptance.
War?
the deterioration of a relationship?
finding out that death is enviable part of life?
realizing that perhaps there is no God?
that there is no such thing as salvation?
I guess this Bergman film is effecting me more that I thought it would.
I hear the occasional ping and pop followed by a weird shrill.
"noise" it is, and I find it quite distracting.
I am usally alone when I type during one of my typing marathons.
Alone and quiet - only the clack clack of my fingers on the plastic keys -
that is somehow soothing
reminding me that I can find solace and refuge in my words that I convey to you,
my readers -
and to you -
myself - me...
I saw a disturbing movie last night - Shame by Ingmar Bergman.
Bergman is one of my favorite all time filmmakers in the world.
This film was different from the rest of his works.
It was quite disturbing.
Very disturbing in fact.
I woke up this morning with images, sounds - snippets from the black and white subtitled 2 hour visual and auditory session
existential residue on my mind map of consciousness.
Well, what's this movie about?
In short - can I sum it up in 30 words or less?
Gritty, brutal and supple, Ingmar Bergman's Shame (1968) stands as one of the best antiwar films ever made, a fact made more amazing by its relative lack of notoriety, even among Bergman aficionados. With a particular and refreshing abstention from art-house navel-gazing, Shame is an apolitical home-front horror show where life during wartime slowly shifts from existing in a state of petty complacency to, literally, drifting in a sea of corpses. Focusing exclusively on the way war unsettles and corrupts the lives of civilians, Bergman's film scans on a primal level like a "Twilight Zone" episode gone unstoppably, sickeningly real.
And I couldn’t have said it better myself.
I suggest you see it, if only to say you watched a Bergman film.
And yes, you might wake up with the same kind of morning breath dream sludge that is hauntingly difficult to shake off that i am experiencing now.
***
My mom's chemo starts on the 17th.
Life is going to change for us - life as we have known it up till now will shift. A foreign element will shake up and invade our daily routines, routines which we have come to treasure as ritual, normal and constant.
A foreign invader - aggressive and ready for battle.
We must be ready to flight or concede defeat.
I guess that's where the film comes in.
I have woken up with my Scandinavian colored glasses -
(bought at Ikea...lol)
and the world seems a tad bit sharper than usual.
I'll have to stay with her while she adjusts to the chemicals - gauge how ill she'll become, how weak she'll be, how much discomfort it will cause her.
The treatment will last for four weeks - taking us into mid - May.
Summer will be close by.
thank God for that
At least that.
***
I wish I had a guitar.
I used to be quite good at playing guitar - flamenco to be exact.
Good, well I am being modest.
go ahead - you so rarely boast about your abilities.
I was quite talented - at the age of 14, my teacher urged me to take a university exam which would have allowed me to actually teach as a certified instructor.
Did I ever follow through?
Naaah.
I got scared and she got pregnant.
One project ends, another begins.
I played for my own pleasure until a few years later when my father re-claimed my classical guitar. My only guitar. I didn't have enough $ to buy a new one, and by the time I did, the more important things in life such as balloon pants, pointy shoes and mesh tops were at the top of my priority list.
Ahh. Gotta love the 80's.
I came across some old music books the other day, one in particular that she had stolen for me from school. Spiral binding partially untwisted at the ends, worn pages yellowed, reproduced hand written notes alongside Spanish and Italian words woven in between passing tones and a perfect cadence.
Romance De Amor by Vicente Gomez .
I remember the first time I played this piece - in its entirety. Tears streamed down my cheeks as every note reverberated throughout the wooden body held close to my chest ; each note seemed so familiar to me. My fingers swept effortlessly across the warmed wood, the sweet smell of cedar taken in with each strum.
...
Good Lord.
That sounds so wretchedly romantic.
euck
but romantic it was - the mood, the tempo, the harmony.
Vivaldi was my favorite.
Perhaps it was the bittersweet melancholy and simplicity of his Guitar Concerto In D Major that moved me the most; but each time I heard that piece, a profound sense of resignation, akin to what I imagine a peaceful acceptance of death would feel like, consumed me.
Death.
Resignation,
acceptance.
War?
the deterioration of a relationship?
finding out that death is enviable part of life?
realizing that perhaps there is no God?
that there is no such thing as salvation?
I guess this Bergman film is effecting me more that I thought it would.
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
God?
I think there is a God, or at least someone who is watching over my mom.
We went to see her oncologist today. He is wonderful, sweet and funny. Caring and smart as hell. He told her that she has options - chemo for one month industrial strength, or chemo for one month and booster shots 3 times a week for a year. There is no guarantee that it will work, but at this point, it's better to try than not to try.
It was also my birthday.
A day that I was dreading in so many ways. But as luck would have it, my mom, her best friend and I spent most of the afternoon giggling like school girls, had an amazing pasta lunch and I got so many kick ass gifts from everybody who loves me, that going to seal my mom's eventual fate and faith in medicine made it that much smoother.
38.
Where do I go from here?
How do I get there?
Is there a God, and if so, will he stop to help someone like me?
We went to see her oncologist today. He is wonderful, sweet and funny. Caring and smart as hell. He told her that she has options - chemo for one month industrial strength, or chemo for one month and booster shots 3 times a week for a year. There is no guarantee that it will work, but at this point, it's better to try than not to try.
It was also my birthday.
A day that I was dreading in so many ways. But as luck would have it, my mom, her best friend and I spent most of the afternoon giggling like school girls, had an amazing pasta lunch and I got so many kick ass gifts from everybody who loves me, that going to seal my mom's eventual fate and faith in medicine made it that much smoother.
38.
Where do I go from here?
How do I get there?
Is there a God, and if so, will he stop to help someone like me?
Saturday, April 01, 2006
Down we fall, straight ahead.
We find out Tuesday what will happen to my mom as in terms of her chemo. One year? One month intensive? We don't know.
Just when I thought it was safe to put my feet down again, we are on the move - "down we fall, straight ahead" - that is how I feel right now.
Tuesday will be my birthday.
I am going with my mom to the doctor. It might be one of the most difficult birthdays in my life.
I am not looking forward to this year.
One step forward, 10 steps back.
Tied to the railway tracks, my skin can feel the vibrations of the train miles and miles away...
Just when I thought it was safe to put my feet down again, we are on the move - "down we fall, straight ahead" - that is how I feel right now.
Tuesday will be my birthday.
I am going with my mom to the doctor. It might be one of the most difficult birthdays in my life.
I am not looking forward to this year.
One step forward, 10 steps back.
Tied to the railway tracks, my skin can feel the vibrations of the train miles and miles away...
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Back from the west coast!
Well, I am back - three hours behind everybody this side of the world, exhausted but very happy.
The festival was great, Seattle was great, met great people and had a wonderful time.
I am soo pooped but have lots to talk about.
So I will come back when I have a little more energy and sleep under my belt :-)
here is my scope for this week.
I had to laugh - apparently I was the belle of the ball at the festival...
lol
Your Week Ahead - Saturday, 25th March 2006
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
Your week ahead: You have more friends, more fans, more admirers than you realise. You don't have to mount a campaign to earn approval from others. You just have to be yourself. If a relationship is now starting to prove difficult, it could be because you are trying too hard to understand someone - or worrying too much about whether they understand you. Worry less. If you are struggling to get to grips with a situation that does not make much sense, stop struggling. Stop trying. Venus and Mars are in harmony and the Moon is new in your sign this week. Just have more faith in your own natural charm and intelligence - for it will yet see you safely through from here to success.
The festival was great, Seattle was great, met great people and had a wonderful time.
I am soo pooped but have lots to talk about.
So I will come back when I have a little more energy and sleep under my belt :-)
here is my scope for this week.
I had to laugh - apparently I was the belle of the ball at the festival...
lol
Your Week Ahead - Saturday, 25th March 2006
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
Your week ahead: You have more friends, more fans, more admirers than you realise. You don't have to mount a campaign to earn approval from others. You just have to be yourself. If a relationship is now starting to prove difficult, it could be because you are trying too hard to understand someone - or worrying too much about whether they understand you. Worry less. If you are struggling to get to grips with a situation that does not make much sense, stop struggling. Stop trying. Venus and Mars are in harmony and the Moon is new in your sign this week. Just have more faith in your own natural charm and intelligence - for it will yet see you safely through from here to success.
Monday, March 20, 2006
Creepy-ness factor moved up a notch today...
I know some people scoff at this stuff, but I love it, and usually only look back on it at the end of the day to see if the 'predictions' were correct.
but this one just hit too close to my psychic antenna...
Monday, 20th March 2006
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
Not everyone has to agree with you. Not even you have to agree with yourself all the time - but, sooner or later, you eventually work it out. What you may soon discover is just how prophetic you've been at predicting your own life, despite the mental and emotional turmoil you've been through lately. On one level it may seem like you've been getting accurate images of your future. Looked at another way, you've been taking your visions and, by some mysterious process you may not understand, you've been making those images real.
There's a word for it: imagination.
So that is what that crazy buzzing in my head and fluttery flutters in my belly are!
but this one just hit too close to my psychic antenna...
Monday, 20th March 2006
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
Not everyone has to agree with you. Not even you have to agree with yourself all the time - but, sooner or later, you eventually work it out. What you may soon discover is just how prophetic you've been at predicting your own life, despite the mental and emotional turmoil you've been through lately. On one level it may seem like you've been getting accurate images of your future. Looked at another way, you've been taking your visions and, by some mysterious process you may not understand, you've been making those images real.
There's a word for it: imagination.
So that is what that crazy buzzing in my head and fluttery flutters in my belly are!
Meat Loaf
Leaving for Seattle in a few days and I am excited as all hell.
Nervous as all hell, but let's try not to think about that right now (she says while looking over the mass of stray post-it notes hanging on for dear life from various edges of her computer screen, filing cabinet, edges of framed prints...).
I feel scattered right now, but it's a good creative scattered. The kind of energy that makes things happen, the kind of energy that artists thrive on.
Speaking of artists, I had a wonderful weekend watching films - art film fest here, and what I saw inspired me beyond words and film stock. I saw one tonight about Ingmar Bergman. My idol.
When I first saw Persona back in 1984 in my first college film class, I was blown away. I had been fed a regular diet of all American 'slap on the fat' boring and staid plotlines and high gloss appearance, but when I saw Bergman's stark, profound and disturbing portrait of two women, in black and white, I was smitten. He quite literally changed the way I looked at cinema forever, and inspired me to use the medium the way he did - with passion, curiosity and reverence.
That is the first time I realized that I wanted to be a filmmaker. I had known for some time that I wanted to be in showbiusess, but it always seemed to be a toss up between acting, dancing and music. Film seemed strangely off limits, until I saw his films.
After Bergman was Fellini, Renais, Truffaut, Ozu, Antonioni, Wenders and the list goes on and on. After seeing these films - especially one of my top 5 films - 32 Short Films About Glen Gould, again at this festival on Friday night, there were those stirring feelings inside of my belly - the rustlings and cracklings of a fire starting.
the kind of feeling I had when I was on the road to make my films.
That creative rush that I have longed for.
I decided that this is where I have to focus my energies right now. I was telling my best buddy the other day - I have all these sparks, shards and slivers of things that have been happening to me (strange coincidences, people I have been meeting, the things I have been seeing) are stirring up this energy, and I need to channel it into a positive source. Like a meat grinder or wood chipper - in the begining, it's all the same material added in but in different forms and sizes, but in the end, they all come out neatly packed together - beef only becomes ground beef - it doesn't change it's inherent properties.
So that is what I am planning to do - put all of this crazy energy, excitement about my trip, the growing pains I am having about finding my new purpose and direction in life, (and my birthday coming up) - and throw it in the meat grinder.
And when I come back from my trip, I intend to make some kick ass meatloaf!
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Birthday Suit
This is such a lovley photo from such a lovley lady - gillianleigh !!
What she wrote struck me the most.
I think I'll put in the same request for my upcoming birthday and see what happens...
Here's what she wrote...
"its my birthday today, and i feel fine!
i took this picture during a particularly rough period of time last year....was asking the universe to bring some light and new energy into my life, which it was kind enough to do. i look at this now and see a mini-renaissance, an awakening, a welcoming to a new year. very thankful for the beautiful and sublime and sometimes messy - but always interesting - things in my life :) yay!'
You go girl!!!
What she wrote struck me the most.
I think I'll put in the same request for my upcoming birthday and see what happens...
Here's what she wrote...
"its my birthday today, and i feel fine!
i took this picture during a particularly rough period of time last year....was asking the universe to bring some light and new energy into my life, which it was kind enough to do. i look at this now and see a mini-renaissance, an awakening, a welcoming to a new year. very thankful for the beautiful and sublime and sometimes messy - but always interesting - things in my life :) yay!'
You go girl!!!
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
The leap...
I have come across lots of things latley on the subject of taking a leap. A really beautiful soul on flickr made a poster for me. I saw it the other day. It was so beautiful, it made me cry.
And then I read this.
Kinda freaked out in a good way...
My astro forecast for today
Weird
You push yourself way too hard sometimes, and it doesn't help that you set a standard of perfection that you can rarely meet. Current circumstances are allowing you to let go of some of that obsession. You now have an opportunity to jump over the mental resistance that does little other than slow you down and burn your energy. While there's no substitute for analysis when the time comes, there is also no substitute for intuition. There is a crucial matter, applying to your health, well-being or possibly your work - it's time to take that intuitive leap and make the adjustments that will help settle your life.
And then I read this.
Kinda freaked out in a good way...
My astro forecast for today
Weird
You push yourself way too hard sometimes, and it doesn't help that you set a standard of perfection that you can rarely meet. Current circumstances are allowing you to let go of some of that obsession. You now have an opportunity to jump over the mental resistance that does little other than slow you down and burn your energy. While there's no substitute for analysis when the time comes, there is also no substitute for intuition. There is a crucial matter, applying to your health, well-being or possibly your work - it's time to take that intuitive leap and make the adjustments that will help settle your life.
Monday, March 13, 2006
slutting for sunshine
I am such a weather whore.
My mood fluctuates with the weather. The insides of my brain compress or decompress according to the shifts in the barometric pressure.
It's hell being at the mercy of the elements.
When it's sunny outside, and it does not matter if it's cold or hot, I come alive. The cells inside of my body begin to vibrate, and in turn, make me feel incredibly alive. If I had a hat, I would pull one of those Mary Tyler Moore moves where she throws up her hat while standing on a busy downtown street. Right down to the freeze frame on the hat in mid air.*
When it's sunny outside, I am able to wake up early. Sometimes really early (well, for me that is) - like 6am early. Even the cats are surprised when I prance into the kitchen for their morning feed. They're usually still asleep, stunned that I am not shouting at them to keep quiet from meowning up a storm.
When it's sunny outside, the whole house could crumble to pieces, and I'd still have a smile no my face. Why?? Because my skin is drinking in all that vitamin D and my eyes are getting enough light to shine away the darkness of any residual bad mood that was a hang over from the night before.
And what happens when it's grey and rainy?
I turn into a monster.
I have known this for a long time - my sensitivity to light and the elements, but it was not until after I had my breakdown, and my 'mental state' was moderated by medication that we discovered a correlation between my 'winter blues' and my mood. I tried 'light therapy' which was new back then (talking about 10 years ago) and it seemed to work wonders. Every morning (usually the same time every morning was the best) I would sit in front of a light box the size of my monitor, and go about my morning rituals - eating, reading, putting on makeup etc. And for 1/2 hour every morning, I would get my 'fake sunlight' which would trick my system into thinking that I was having 'real sunlight', which would, in turn, make my body begin to produce and metabolize the vitamin D that usually came from real sunlight. Sunlight+ vitamin D = better mood.
Well, it worked in theory, but in principle, it was not as flawless.
I am a night person by nature. I get my 2nd, 3rd, 14th wind after midnight. I have tried several times during my lifetime to re-switch my clock, but have failed miserably. Just as bats usually flight only at night, I work my best when the sun goes down and the moon comes up. But the late nights turn into late mornings because I end up trying to recoup my 'lost sleep' and push it into the afternoon. Waking up at noon or 1pm is not unusual for me, but what I accomplish in the few hours between midnight and 4 am is what a 'normal person' would accomplish in an 8 hour day.
Winter and the early days of spring tend to be the worst. It's either snowing or raining. It's cold and damp (which does not bode well for my already aching joints), which a happy camper it does not make (I am never able to pull off those funny mixed up - Elizabethan sounding tenses, but you know what I mean...) . Today is the perfect example.
I was up (not willingly) at 6am. It was still grey, wet and overall shitty. I could have gone back to sleep, and wanted to as I only had 4 hours of sleep under my heavy eyelids, but the cats, sensing my stirrings, through they would try shake an early feeding from me. I pulled the pillow over my head and drifted in and out of a choppy slumber.
E left at 8ish, and that woke me up a bit. The cats decided to become affectionate and walk all over my body, finally settling down near my stomach and feet respectively. I knew that the second wave of sleep would be the heaviest, but I could not resist. The warm duvet that kept my twisted in the sheets body comfortable was more inviting than the below pleasant body temperature environment that waited for me in the rest of the house.
So I slept.
Hard.
The alarm came on at 10. 11am, then 12:30pm. The hunger pangs were stronger than the guilt ones, so I pulled myself out of bed and made my way into the kitchen. I didn't even have to look outside to know that it was going to be one of those days...
I could have done my light box thing, but the drawback to starting it later in the afternoon is my schedule re-sets itself at a later time. So there is no real point of doing it anyway. I would still be up until 2am regardless.
So I am sitting here, starting my late day, with a whole shitload of deadlines and things to do, which now seem unbelievably overwhelming, and will go about the rest of my 'things to do' list and feel shitty for the rest of the night because I have wasted a day sleeping. My only hope is that 2mrw will be a sunny day so I can open my eyes to light which will flood my blood stream and brain stem with gumption and optimism to be able to tackle the subsequent shitty days until the next nice one comes by again.
* now who remembers seeing that Family Guy episode when Peter does the same thing, and despite him being 'frozen', the rest of the world continues to move around him...
Now that was funny.
My mood fluctuates with the weather. The insides of my brain compress or decompress according to the shifts in the barometric pressure.
It's hell being at the mercy of the elements.
When it's sunny outside, and it does not matter if it's cold or hot, I come alive. The cells inside of my body begin to vibrate, and in turn, make me feel incredibly alive. If I had a hat, I would pull one of those Mary Tyler Moore moves where she throws up her hat while standing on a busy downtown street. Right down to the freeze frame on the hat in mid air.*
When it's sunny outside, I am able to wake up early. Sometimes really early (well, for me that is) - like 6am early. Even the cats are surprised when I prance into the kitchen for their morning feed. They're usually still asleep, stunned that I am not shouting at them to keep quiet from meowning up a storm.
When it's sunny outside, the whole house could crumble to pieces, and I'd still have a smile no my face. Why?? Because my skin is drinking in all that vitamin D and my eyes are getting enough light to shine away the darkness of any residual bad mood that was a hang over from the night before.
And what happens when it's grey and rainy?
I turn into a monster.
I have known this for a long time - my sensitivity to light and the elements, but it was not until after I had my breakdown, and my 'mental state' was moderated by medication that we discovered a correlation between my 'winter blues' and my mood. I tried 'light therapy' which was new back then (talking about 10 years ago) and it seemed to work wonders. Every morning (usually the same time every morning was the best) I would sit in front of a light box the size of my monitor, and go about my morning rituals - eating, reading, putting on makeup etc. And for 1/2 hour every morning, I would get my 'fake sunlight' which would trick my system into thinking that I was having 'real sunlight', which would, in turn, make my body begin to produce and metabolize the vitamin D that usually came from real sunlight. Sunlight+ vitamin D = better mood.
Well, it worked in theory, but in principle, it was not as flawless.
I am a night person by nature. I get my 2nd, 3rd, 14th wind after midnight. I have tried several times during my lifetime to re-switch my clock, but have failed miserably. Just as bats usually flight only at night, I work my best when the sun goes down and the moon comes up. But the late nights turn into late mornings because I end up trying to recoup my 'lost sleep' and push it into the afternoon. Waking up at noon or 1pm is not unusual for me, but what I accomplish in the few hours between midnight and 4 am is what a 'normal person' would accomplish in an 8 hour day.
Winter and the early days of spring tend to be the worst. It's either snowing or raining. It's cold and damp (which does not bode well for my already aching joints), which a happy camper it does not make (I am never able to pull off those funny mixed up - Elizabethan sounding tenses, but you know what I mean...) . Today is the perfect example.
I was up (not willingly) at 6am. It was still grey, wet and overall shitty. I could have gone back to sleep, and wanted to as I only had 4 hours of sleep under my heavy eyelids, but the cats, sensing my stirrings, through they would try shake an early feeding from me. I pulled the pillow over my head and drifted in and out of a choppy slumber.
E left at 8ish, and that woke me up a bit. The cats decided to become affectionate and walk all over my body, finally settling down near my stomach and feet respectively. I knew that the second wave of sleep would be the heaviest, but I could not resist. The warm duvet that kept my twisted in the sheets body comfortable was more inviting than the below pleasant body temperature environment that waited for me in the rest of the house.
So I slept.
Hard.
The alarm came on at 10. 11am, then 12:30pm. The hunger pangs were stronger than the guilt ones, so I pulled myself out of bed and made my way into the kitchen. I didn't even have to look outside to know that it was going to be one of those days...
I could have done my light box thing, but the drawback to starting it later in the afternoon is my schedule re-sets itself at a later time. So there is no real point of doing it anyway. I would still be up until 2am regardless.
So I am sitting here, starting my late day, with a whole shitload of deadlines and things to do, which now seem unbelievably overwhelming, and will go about the rest of my 'things to do' list and feel shitty for the rest of the night because I have wasted a day sleeping. My only hope is that 2mrw will be a sunny day so I can open my eyes to light which will flood my blood stream and brain stem with gumption and optimism to be able to tackle the subsequent shitty days until the next nice one comes by again.
* now who remembers seeing that Family Guy episode when Peter does the same thing, and despite him being 'frozen', the rest of the world continues to move around him...
Now that was funny.
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Lactulose intolerant
Well, well well.
Just when I thought things could not get any more interesting in my life, or ironic, I find myself in the hospital the other day - the emergency ward hooked up to all kinds of lines and wires while a doctor peers down at me and says: you know, this is very rare for people to react to this kind of medication the way you did, very rare indeed.
I was having a severe and almost life threatening reaction to a medication that is so widely used, even my 85 year old grandmother has used it.
Leave it to me and my Sienfeld-esque life - events like this just seem to fall into my lap. And now, a few days later, I laugh at the irony - I am so special, I am one of a miniscule percentage of the population that is allergic to some preservative that is found in a common stool softener/constipation reliever.
I told you my life was weird...
Nothing dramatic as a bee sting, peanut allergy (not that I am dismissing their severity - those are potentially life threating) - an allergic reaction to something that makes you shit.
shit!
As I lie in the resuscitation room, and was about 20 minutes out of danger, the nurse looked at the intern who was supervising my blips and heart beats and said: Lactulose? That's just water + sugar = candy!
So apparently a medication that was supposed to be as harmless as a chocolate bar triggered a reaction in my body so severe, my blood pressure dropped to a dangerous low, developed a rash that covered most of my face, arms and chest and began to close my throat to such a degree that I was unable to swallow and had begun to gasp for breath as my throat began to close.
how fucked up is that!?
I was feeling kinda woozy after the first tablespoon, and knew that this was not normal. I hopped on the internet and went to all my medical sites, but could not find anything more than if you experience cramping, vomiting or sharp pains in the abdomen, seek medical attention. At this point, I was feeling faint, was spacing out way too much, and began to lose control of my hand and leg muscles.
High Alert. This is not NORMAL!
I began to panic a little, but figured that it was something similar to the Benylin high I experienced as a kid - took a little too much of the stuff to calm a bad cough, and not being able to find a tablespoon in the middle of the night, and way to sick to go on a cutlery expedition, I just too a swig and fell back into bed.
a swig as in a swig from a mickey of Gin...
The next thing I know, I am awake and floating around the room in a stoned stupor that would rival Cheech Marin's best trip.
At first, I panicked (I was only 11 - had not yet tried cannabis) and was thinking of waking my mom to rush me to the hospital, but as I began to relax, I realized that I was high as a kite and began to enjoy my free ride. I spent the rest of the night doing somersaults on my bed, surprised that my thuds of my feet hitting the wall didn't wake anybody up.
But this was different...
Over the years and after numerous hospital calls and bouts of all that can ail someone, I have come to know my body well - like a well oiled machine, the slightest tick or rumble will alert me to take stock, slow down and examine the inner workings as best as I can.
It was only after the 4th site did I see a list of my symptoms - and in bold - if experiencing these symptoms, seek medical attention immediately - this may be the beginning of a serious allergic reaction.
Yummy.
By this time, I was beginning to worry about my inability to swallow and the accelerating speed of which the room was spinning. I turned off my computer, trying hard to keep my composure while feeling my way along the walls into my bedroom.
One thing I have learned after all my emergency room calls is - always bring a clean pair of underwear and a toothbrush. I have spent countless first nights in the hospital, cursing myself because I felt like I had lived in my panties for a week, and had a tongue that felt like an unpaved road. So despite my stumbling, and shallow breathing, I made sure to prepare myself.
The breathing became more labored as the seconds went by. I tried to ask E to call 911, but found that I was losing my voice, and that experiencing air through a shrinking airway was not a wise thing to do. He insisted on driving me, despite my pleas for an alternative solution. I realize that he was trying to help, and I thank him for that. It worried me because a) had I gone into shock, and was not able to breathe at all, the paramedics would have had an epi-pen to calm the initial stages of the reaction, and had some O2 for me to suck on, but their reaction time in the past (like when I began to hemorrhage internally after having some surgery to remove some gunk in my gallbaldder region) has been slow at best. He made a judgment call and it was the right one - but he could have burned through more red lights - especially at a crosswalk where there is absolutely nobody in sight for miles. It looked like a scene from a movie. He is waiting for the light to change, (it had just turned red) and I sat in the seat next to him, groping at my throat with my other hand on the front of his jacket pulling him towards me, whispering angrily - BURN THE LIGHT! BURN THE FUCKEN LIGHT!
Yea, movie material...
Woody Allen and Bette Midler
So to make a long story short, I flopped on the nearest bed on wheels and began to fade in and out of consciousness. I was wheeled in right away - take her to recess 1 . Resuscitation room. I know the jargon already.
And as I lie there, my body going numb, face tingling, lips puckering on their own (that was so weird!! ) struggling for my next breath, one of the ER docs grabs my arm and plunges a needle into my vein and begins to pump in some Benadryl. I didn't know which was worse - the feeling that my arm was about to be ripped open or the fact that I could not breathe! I still have a nasty bruise on my forearm to prove it!
So after being asked 100 questions (I have the routine down pat - I actually cut down question time by having all my meds and medical history typed out on a little card stuck in my wallet. It's a real hit with the attending staff wow! You're so organized! is what I'm often told), I began to sleep and drift in and out of dreamland while the medication began to kick in.
I spent a good 5 hours in the emerg - being downgraded from the recess room to hallway, which was a good thing. It was 4:30am by the time E drove us home. We were both glad to be back - a hallway is not the Holiday Inn. The next morning, I felt as if I had been twice overed by a steam roller. It was not until yesterday that I began to feel like I was a 3 dimensional human being again.
And today - more medical appointments. I have something funky going on in the upper right side of my stomach. I had my gallbaldder removed, so unless I have a phantom gallbladder making imaginary stones, I don't know what this is. I thought it was menstrual cramps (because the pain goes down pretty low) but the doctors are stumped. I was rushed into an abdominal ultrasound this morning, watched as the technician hummed and hawed while scanning my belly and ovaries. There were to pauses and clicks to be 'normal'. They found something but they didn't really tell me much - it's just a preliminary report they said. It didn't make me feel any better.
So next week, I am off to see an allergist, then to my GP for my ultrasound and results of my blood workup. And all of this a week before I go to Seattle. Not to mention 3 weeks before my 38th birthday.
Did I say 38th? I meant 33rd...
And I have a brand new Epi-pen to take with me wherever I go.
I misplace my keys al the time - and they are on a huge round keychain - superintendent huge. Perhaps I will have to attach the Epi-pen around my neck.
Ralph Lauren - look out! Hpk has just made a new fashion statement!
Just when I thought things could not get any more interesting in my life, or ironic, I find myself in the hospital the other day - the emergency ward hooked up to all kinds of lines and wires while a doctor peers down at me and says: you know, this is very rare for people to react to this kind of medication the way you did, very rare indeed.
I was having a severe and almost life threatening reaction to a medication that is so widely used, even my 85 year old grandmother has used it.
Leave it to me and my Sienfeld-esque life - events like this just seem to fall into my lap. And now, a few days later, I laugh at the irony - I am so special, I am one of a miniscule percentage of the population that is allergic to some preservative that is found in a common stool softener/constipation reliever.
I told you my life was weird...
Nothing dramatic as a bee sting, peanut allergy (not that I am dismissing their severity - those are potentially life threating) - an allergic reaction to something that makes you shit.
shit!
As I lie in the resuscitation room, and was about 20 minutes out of danger, the nurse looked at the intern who was supervising my blips and heart beats and said: Lactulose? That's just water + sugar = candy!
So apparently a medication that was supposed to be as harmless as a chocolate bar triggered a reaction in my body so severe, my blood pressure dropped to a dangerous low, developed a rash that covered most of my face, arms and chest and began to close my throat to such a degree that I was unable to swallow and had begun to gasp for breath as my throat began to close.
how fucked up is that!?
I was feeling kinda woozy after the first tablespoon, and knew that this was not normal. I hopped on the internet and went to all my medical sites, but could not find anything more than if you experience cramping, vomiting or sharp pains in the abdomen, seek medical attention. At this point, I was feeling faint, was spacing out way too much, and began to lose control of my hand and leg muscles.
High Alert. This is not NORMAL!
I began to panic a little, but figured that it was something similar to the Benylin high I experienced as a kid - took a little too much of the stuff to calm a bad cough, and not being able to find a tablespoon in the middle of the night, and way to sick to go on a cutlery expedition, I just too a swig and fell back into bed.
a swig as in a swig from a mickey of Gin...
The next thing I know, I am awake and floating around the room in a stoned stupor that would rival Cheech Marin's best trip.
At first, I panicked (I was only 11 - had not yet tried cannabis) and was thinking of waking my mom to rush me to the hospital, but as I began to relax, I realized that I was high as a kite and began to enjoy my free ride. I spent the rest of the night doing somersaults on my bed, surprised that my thuds of my feet hitting the wall didn't wake anybody up.
But this was different...
Over the years and after numerous hospital calls and bouts of all that can ail someone, I have come to know my body well - like a well oiled machine, the slightest tick or rumble will alert me to take stock, slow down and examine the inner workings as best as I can.
It was only after the 4th site did I see a list of my symptoms - and in bold - if experiencing these symptoms, seek medical attention immediately - this may be the beginning of a serious allergic reaction.
Yummy.
By this time, I was beginning to worry about my inability to swallow and the accelerating speed of which the room was spinning. I turned off my computer, trying hard to keep my composure while feeling my way along the walls into my bedroom.
One thing I have learned after all my emergency room calls is - always bring a clean pair of underwear and a toothbrush. I have spent countless first nights in the hospital, cursing myself because I felt like I had lived in my panties for a week, and had a tongue that felt like an unpaved road. So despite my stumbling, and shallow breathing, I made sure to prepare myself.
The breathing became more labored as the seconds went by. I tried to ask E to call 911, but found that I was losing my voice, and that experiencing air through a shrinking airway was not a wise thing to do. He insisted on driving me, despite my pleas for an alternative solution. I realize that he was trying to help, and I thank him for that. It worried me because a) had I gone into shock, and was not able to breathe at all, the paramedics would have had an epi-pen to calm the initial stages of the reaction, and had some O2 for me to suck on, but their reaction time in the past (like when I began to hemorrhage internally after having some surgery to remove some gunk in my gallbaldder region) has been slow at best. He made a judgment call and it was the right one - but he could have burned through more red lights - especially at a crosswalk where there is absolutely nobody in sight for miles. It looked like a scene from a movie. He is waiting for the light to change, (it had just turned red) and I sat in the seat next to him, groping at my throat with my other hand on the front of his jacket pulling him towards me, whispering angrily - BURN THE LIGHT! BURN THE FUCKEN LIGHT!
Yea, movie material...
Woody Allen and Bette Midler
So to make a long story short, I flopped on the nearest bed on wheels and began to fade in and out of consciousness. I was wheeled in right away - take her to recess 1 . Resuscitation room. I know the jargon already.
And as I lie there, my body going numb, face tingling, lips puckering on their own (that was so weird!! ) struggling for my next breath, one of the ER docs grabs my arm and plunges a needle into my vein and begins to pump in some Benadryl. I didn't know which was worse - the feeling that my arm was about to be ripped open or the fact that I could not breathe! I still have a nasty bruise on my forearm to prove it!
So after being asked 100 questions (I have the routine down pat - I actually cut down question time by having all my meds and medical history typed out on a little card stuck in my wallet. It's a real hit with the attending staff wow! You're so organized! is what I'm often told), I began to sleep and drift in and out of dreamland while the medication began to kick in.
I spent a good 5 hours in the emerg - being downgraded from the recess room to hallway, which was a good thing. It was 4:30am by the time E drove us home. We were both glad to be back - a hallway is not the Holiday Inn. The next morning, I felt as if I had been twice overed by a steam roller. It was not until yesterday that I began to feel like I was a 3 dimensional human being again.
And today - more medical appointments. I have something funky going on in the upper right side of my stomach. I had my gallbaldder removed, so unless I have a phantom gallbladder making imaginary stones, I don't know what this is. I thought it was menstrual cramps (because the pain goes down pretty low) but the doctors are stumped. I was rushed into an abdominal ultrasound this morning, watched as the technician hummed and hawed while scanning my belly and ovaries. There were to pauses and clicks to be 'normal'. They found something but they didn't really tell me much - it's just a preliminary report they said. It didn't make me feel any better.
So next week, I am off to see an allergist, then to my GP for my ultrasound and results of my blood workup. And all of this a week before I go to Seattle. Not to mention 3 weeks before my 38th birthday.
Did I say 38th? I meant 33rd...
And I have a brand new Epi-pen to take with me wherever I go.
I misplace my keys al the time - and they are on a huge round keychain - superintendent huge. Perhaps I will have to attach the Epi-pen around my neck.
Ralph Lauren - look out! Hpk has just made a new fashion statement!
Friday, March 10, 2006
NYC
I almost fell off my chair when I saw this.
Lemoox you kill me!!
Not only do you make the most amazing and beautiful paintings, you have a wonderful sense of humour that always makes me smile - a grin from ear to ear!!!
Lemoox you kill me!!
Not only do you make the most amazing and beautiful paintings, you have a wonderful sense of humour that always makes me smile - a grin from ear to ear!!!
Monday, March 06, 2006
Words of inspiration from good old Fred.
"There is no end. There is no beginning. There is only the infinite passion of life"
Frederico Fellini
.
Happy happy, oi oi.
This sounds really cool.
As I sit here under my artificial/simulated sun lamp, I wonder if I will ever get the 'real job' I have been waiting for, if I'll ever find the energy to really make a move - get off my ass to do something about it?!
I think I need a life coach - somebody to whip my ass into shape (visions of Burgess Meredith in Rocky) and help me to find the right tactic, game plan to get back on track and win!
When I went to the last school reunion (the follow up from last year's big 25th) last month, I sat with an old friend of mine. I think I mentioned her in previous posts - she adopted me because I was an only child and she had 2 brothers 4 sisters -
but
I digress.
She was my biggest advocate - she really pulled me out of my shell in high school. It's thanks to her that I entered CEGEP with a bold smile and 'ready to conquer the world' spirit.
And as we reminisced about the good old days, she spoke of my recent works - my blogs, my photos, my movies:
HPK - your photos are breathtaking, your writing is amazing - your films are fantastic! What do you want to do? Yes, you can do all of them and love all of them, but I think you need to pick one and focus!
but I love all of them, and want to do them all, and for the first time in my life, I am agreeing with your positive feedback! I am good at all of them!
As I sit here under my artificial/simulated sun lamp, I wonder if I will ever get the 'real job' I have been waiting for, if I'll ever find the energy to really make a move - get off my ass to do something about it?!
I think I need a life coach - somebody to whip my ass into shape (visions of Burgess Meredith in Rocky) and help me to find the right tactic, game plan to get back on track and win!
When I went to the last school reunion (the follow up from last year's big 25th) last month, I sat with an old friend of mine. I think I mentioned her in previous posts - she adopted me because I was an only child and she had 2 brothers 4 sisters -
but
I digress.
She was my biggest advocate - she really pulled me out of my shell in high school. It's thanks to her that I entered CEGEP with a bold smile and 'ready to conquer the world' spirit.
And as we reminisced about the good old days, she spoke of my recent works - my blogs, my photos, my movies:
HPK - your photos are breathtaking, your writing is amazing - your films are fantastic! What do you want to do? Yes, you can do all of them and love all of them, but I think you need to pick one and focus!
but I love all of them, and want to do them all, and for the first time in my life, I am agreeing with your positive feedback! I am good at all of them!
and I have tried to, I've attempted to sort, pick, work at that , but shit happens -
life throws you a few curve balls (too many in my case) some manic depression thrown in for good measure - just to keep things interesting, and then presto - you find yourself 28 days from your 38th birthday and a big fat tail between your legs and a huge neon sign that says - loser over your head.
I've been doing a lot of cleaning - house/mental/personal stuff. (The physical will come later when I am strong enough for a good colon cleansing and a little fasting) There are some things that are harder to get rid of than others - the main one being the view I hold of myself.
I re-read this blog (thank God I decided to keep it! My memory is so shot lately!) and go over some of the amazing accomplishments I have achieved in the past year - two amazing projects where I did some kick ass cinematography, three amazing trips to NYC (by myself!) and a play.
A fucken play
a play that should out 13 out of 14 shows
a play that was the talk of the town
a play that took the fringe festival by storm
a play that was actually the career launch for many actors
and what am I doing with all of this?
nothing
it's so sad when I think about it, but I can't seem to make it work for me. How do you sell a product when you are not even sure that it works/is up to what you make it to be?
who is this voice of despair and judgment and how do I keep it quiet?!
(I laugh as I have a visual of the play when Samantha tells Charlotte to stick a sock in it - and Peter actually shoving a sock in her mouth. Now that was funny...)
So what to do?
I've had waaay too much strong coffee (can you say industrial cleanser?) and am waiting for some smelly dirty French men to lug a bureau (that is so long, it seems to go on forever) up my 3 flights of Escher-like stairs.
I am antsy and worried.
Some people say that my mom's cancer/tumor was because she had pent up anger towards her sister and ex husband, along with other 'pent ' up angers. That sounds legit. The anger and bad energy in the body has to go somewhere; but I wonder where my anxiety and worry will go to? I think that I might have some sort of brain malfunction one day - too much going on in there at one time - too much noise
can somebody please turn the sound down or change the channel?
but please - no elevator music or soft rock
I'd rather scrape my eyes out
Sunday, March 05, 2006
And the winner is...
Hmm.
Oscars tonight - I wonder who will win what?
I am usually pumped about the Oscars, but today and for the past day I have been feeling kind of defeated, lost out to some other half-assed rogue chemical who is reeking havoc on my body.
Why do I feel so crappy?
When will this rollercoaster ride slow down?
When will I get a hold of myself and get down to business?
I am just feeling shitty -
- despite the fact that it's beautiful outside,
- despite the fact that I got a whole new wardrobe (including two kick ass coats and a beautiful pair of Hush Puppies Boots for only 5$) at a second hand store last night- tax in for $50!
- despite the fact that I have it better than most people (but then again, in some things I don't, but I won't go there...)
why?
I was doing some introspection last night - asking some hard hitting questions that I have been avoiding since the beginning of winter. Questions like:
where do I get all this negative energy from?
where is the root of all of this, and when I find it, can I remove it for good?
will I always be fighting these demons?
can I pinpoint exactly where these 'negative' filters have come from?
I did some digging - and it was interesting the correlations I managed to see between a and b:
my need for approval stems from the fact that I was always expected to fail when I was a kid
Although my parents wanted the best for me, and had hope that I would turn out to be an upstanding citizen, I was always considered to be the worst case scenario. An accident waiting to happen. so what did you break now? What have you done now? You know, you are not going to be able to finish what you started - like you always do...
I think the world always' can be such a toxic word. It holds so much potential - for promise and failure. It builds up such expectations, so many absolutes that can be hard to escape.
You will always be the same - you'll never change
aha, the word never. Another toxic soup of nouns and concensus.
You'll never change
you'll never get your shit together
you'll never go anywhere
you'll never graduate
you'll never get your life in order
you'll never succeed
you'll never finish what you've started
I have mapped it out to the following -
I was a dreamer - full of visions and outlandish ideas -
I was always thining of was to bring these things to life -
I was only a kid so therefore I had no real concept of impossibilities -
I spoke to people about my ideas and was distraught when I was told it's impossible, it will never happen, you won't be able to do that... -
I became devastated when I was shown the impossibilities and the outrageousness of my ideas -
I felt stupid because how could I expect to do /think/want something so ssilly/outrageous/impossible ?
so therefore - my 'dreams' were nipped in the bud before any steps to a solution/alternative were even presented/explored.
wow.
heavy shit
I wanted some input, encouragement to follow my dreams, but all I got was negative input, and discouragement because I could never pull it off (because of my track record for failure) so I was not encouraged to even explore the possibilities!
track record of failure
What kid does not have a track record of failure?
isn't' that what being a kid is all about?!
so now what?
So now what...
I've read a lot about healing the inner child and for the longest time thought that was such bullshit, but now am wondering if there is some validity in it. Would telling my inner child that you had the right to try things and fail - that was all part of growing up, and nobody should have faulted you for exploring! You are free of what your parents think, what anybody else thinks - you are your own person now. You have come a long way. You have been hurt and blamed for many things, but now, I'm here to tell you that I love you and you are just perfect and I love you for who you are.
On the surface, it sounds like a bunch of new age shlock. What does my inner child care - I mean, do I actually have one?! I'm going to be fucken 38 years old!! How can part of me still be a child when my face is starting to wrinkle, my body is gearing up for perio-menopausal stage and I have enough memories and experiences to write two series of encyclopedias of life experiences!
Have I silenced my own inner child?
Am I ashamed of my own inner child?
shit
Lots of heavy stuff to sort out.
After years of therapy and introspection, I have figured out why I have done, lived, reacted, believed the things that I believed were right in the past. I've sorted out why I went after 'all the wrong men", 'why I needed to make my life miserable" because I had this self fulfilling prophecy that I was doomed to fail because I couldn't do was right in the eyes of others - but there is still a child that hurts. A little voice that just won't go away creeps into my head when confusion and thoughts of panic seep into my consciousness. I know it's silly, and I know that it's not reasonable, and my analytical mind tries to sort it out and put it away, but she keeps coming back.
How do you begin to heal a child who has been damaged beyond repair?
Can she ever heal?
Will she ever be able to understand?
I guess this is the next step of my journey.
Turning inward to fins my spiritual center has put me in touch with this innocent child.
Is that what our spiritual centers are? A child who is perfect, in awe the world around it, fearless and open to life as only a child can be?
wonder wonder
Can I re-birth this thing? This child?
And if so, how painful/pleasurable will it be?
Oscars tonight - I wonder who will win what?
I am usually pumped about the Oscars, but today and for the past day I have been feeling kind of defeated, lost out to some other half-assed rogue chemical who is reeking havoc on my body.
Why do I feel so crappy?
When will this rollercoaster ride slow down?
When will I get a hold of myself and get down to business?
I am just feeling shitty -
- despite the fact that it's beautiful outside,
- despite the fact that I got a whole new wardrobe (including two kick ass coats and a beautiful pair of Hush Puppies Boots for only 5$) at a second hand store last night- tax in for $50!
- despite the fact that I have it better than most people (but then again, in some things I don't, but I won't go there...)
why?
I was doing some introspection last night - asking some hard hitting questions that I have been avoiding since the beginning of winter. Questions like:
where do I get all this negative energy from?
where is the root of all of this, and when I find it, can I remove it for good?
will I always be fighting these demons?
can I pinpoint exactly where these 'negative' filters have come from?
I did some digging - and it was interesting the correlations I managed to see between a and b:
my need for approval stems from the fact that I was always expected to fail when I was a kid
Although my parents wanted the best for me, and had hope that I would turn out to be an upstanding citizen, I was always considered to be the worst case scenario. An accident waiting to happen. so what did you break now? What have you done now? You know, you are not going to be able to finish what you started - like you always do...
I think the world always' can be such a toxic word. It holds so much potential - for promise and failure. It builds up such expectations, so many absolutes that can be hard to escape.
You will always be the same - you'll never change
aha, the word never. Another toxic soup of nouns and concensus.
You'll never change
you'll never get your shit together
you'll never go anywhere
you'll never graduate
you'll never get your life in order
you'll never succeed
you'll never finish what you've started
I have mapped it out to the following -
I was a dreamer - full of visions and outlandish ideas -
I was always thining of was to bring these things to life -
I was only a kid so therefore I had no real concept of impossibilities -
I spoke to people about my ideas and was distraught when I was told it's impossible, it will never happen, you won't be able to do that... -
I became devastated when I was shown the impossibilities and the outrageousness of my ideas -
I felt stupid because how could I expect to do /think/want something so ssilly/outrageous/impossible ?
so therefore - my 'dreams' were nipped in the bud before any steps to a solution/alternative were even presented/explored.
wow.
heavy shit
I wanted some input, encouragement to follow my dreams, but all I got was negative input, and discouragement because I could never pull it off (because of my track record for failure) so I was not encouraged to even explore the possibilities!
track record of failure
What kid does not have a track record of failure?
isn't' that what being a kid is all about?!
so now what?
So now what...
I've read a lot about healing the inner child and for the longest time thought that was such bullshit, but now am wondering if there is some validity in it. Would telling my inner child that you had the right to try things and fail - that was all part of growing up, and nobody should have faulted you for exploring! You are free of what your parents think, what anybody else thinks - you are your own person now. You have come a long way. You have been hurt and blamed for many things, but now, I'm here to tell you that I love you and you are just perfect and I love you for who you are.
On the surface, it sounds like a bunch of new age shlock. What does my inner child care - I mean, do I actually have one?! I'm going to be fucken 38 years old!! How can part of me still be a child when my face is starting to wrinkle, my body is gearing up for perio-menopausal stage and I have enough memories and experiences to write two series of encyclopedias of life experiences!
Have I silenced my own inner child?
Am I ashamed of my own inner child?
shit
Lots of heavy stuff to sort out.
After years of therapy and introspection, I have figured out why I have done, lived, reacted, believed the things that I believed were right in the past. I've sorted out why I went after 'all the wrong men", 'why I needed to make my life miserable" because I had this self fulfilling prophecy that I was doomed to fail because I couldn't do was right in the eyes of others - but there is still a child that hurts. A little voice that just won't go away creeps into my head when confusion and thoughts of panic seep into my consciousness. I know it's silly, and I know that it's not reasonable, and my analytical mind tries to sort it out and put it away, but she keeps coming back.
How do you begin to heal a child who has been damaged beyond repair?
Can she ever heal?
Will she ever be able to understand?
I guess this is the next step of my journey.
Turning inward to fins my spiritual center has put me in touch with this innocent child.
Is that what our spiritual centers are? A child who is perfect, in awe the world around it, fearless and open to life as only a child can be?
wonder wonder
Can I re-birth this thing? This child?
And if so, how painful/pleasurable will it be?
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Everybody!
This is my little dedication I put together for all my flickr friends who have been so supportive of me during this whole time my mother and I were going through the cancer thing.
I am constantly in awe by how amazing this community is - all those people, all that love and positive energy! It really worked wonders for both of us.
I am constantly in awe by how amazing this community is - all those people, all that love and positive energy! It really worked wonders for both of us.
Friday, March 03, 2006
Photography Lesson...
I stumbled upon this site (don't ask me how - I already have 20 windows open, and trying to trace back the steps is getting me dizzy - these pretzels are making me thirsty!!!** ) but I had to share (and make a mental note for myself).
For a real interesting look at photography around the world and other places:
it's called Conscientious - a weblog about photography, art, and life.
check it out - expand your mind. Discuss.
I will be back on the weekend to talk about my synchronous week (and what my Psychic advisor told me...)
** Do I have to tell you who said this? lol
For a real interesting look at photography around the world and other places:
it's called Conscientious - a weblog about photography, art, and life.
check it out - expand your mind. Discuss.
I will be back on the weekend to talk about my synchronous week (and what my Psychic advisor told me...)
** Do I have to tell you who said this? lol
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Once more - with feeling.
Hmm. Synchronicities, coincidences, chance events - it seems that every time I allow myself to open up to the powers of the universe, things just happen to fly in my direction. Weird things like people who call me that I have not spoken to in years, a certain obscure song that pops on the radio when I had just been thinking about it a few hours ago, coming across something on the street - like when I was in Grand Central Station in NYC, and I found one card, 2 of Hearts, just lying there, all alone waiting for me to pick it up. Did it have meaning? of course it did, but I wont go into that now, but there were these strange things that kept on happening when I kept myself open and put forth these questions like: am I going in the right direction? Am I making the right choices? Am I supposed to be here? And thankfully, it worked like a charm for my first, second and third time in NYC. Now today is just strange (I know, I have still to talk about what happened last Friday -all that Wayne Dyer stuff. And speaking of him - well, just read on...)
So today, went with my mom to see if her bandage needed to be fixed. Turns out she was in the wrong clinic at the wrong time. The doc took one look, said okay and that was it. Two hours and the headache of trying to find parking just for a 2 minute consult.
We went to the hospital cafeteria for some coffee. They serve Starbucks (or as I like to call it - Petroleiumbucks...) and I needed some java so I took the plunge. (its only kicking in now - I am a jittery mess. And the mild looked like mud. euch. I thought I was having cream with my coffee, not coffee with my cream!) My mom and I had a great talk. It seems like hospital cafeterias are just conducive to our 'peeling the onions' in our lives, which is all good.
So after some yapping, we went shopping (which was funny - so girly girly - spending waay too much time trying on the 1001 shades of lipstick from EVERY BRAND) and then she drove me home. On the way, we talked about how "things happen for a reason" and that sometimes we have to surrender to what feels right in our gut. To trust that the universe is looking out for you. I guess that is one way we are looking at her cancer - a second chance at life. It forced her to slow down, re-assess what is important in her life and make the required changes.
SOOO - I get home and my landlord (imagine Santa Clause with strawberry blonde hair and red nose from too much wine consumption) was tooling away in my toilet. We exchanged some hardware stories and antidotes and I went off to check my email. This is what I found in the one dumping at 2pm:
- an email from the susan jeffers site on an article called: EIGHT SIMPLE STEPS TO A MIRACLE
- my Daily Ohm about quiet intuition
- this really wild thing called the Ted prize.
Each year we will honor a maximum of three individuals who have shown that they can, in some way, positively impact life on this planet.
We are looking for inventors and entrepreneurs, designers and artists, visionaries and mavericks, protectors and persuaders. Our goal is to honor and empower these people by connecting them to the formidable resources of the TED community. Our prize-winners may be very different, but they will have this in common: They will be doing something that has extraordinary potential. Something whose positive influence could spread, transcending borders. Something that can contribute to the future of life on earth.
Rather than simply receiving financial support, winners of the TED Prize will be granted something extraordinary: something which children dream about, but which adults assume is merely the stuff of fairy-tales.
They will be granted a WISH to change the world.
They may wish for anything. And we will seek to make their wish come true.
We will allow our winners several months in which to formulate their wish. We want them to think big, and we want them to fully understand the range of resources the TED Community may be able to offer them. We are willing to spend -- in hard cash -- $100,000 on each winner. And our goal is to convert this into received value that is an order of magnitude greater. How?
By connecting our winners into the heart of the TED community
By tapping into the enthusiastic support of our team of sponsors and partners
By working with our winners to deliver something creative and big and bold and wonderful.
Now that in itself sounds really wild. The past winner was a woman documentary filmmaker...
- then an update from Barnes and Noble notifying me of a book 'that I might like"
And you ask (out of politeness) which book is that?
Well, I'll tell you.
Inspiration: Your Ultimate Calling
and the publisher's blurb:
Dr. Wayne Dyer wants us to listen up. He insists that there's a voice in the universe calling each of us to remember and live our purpose. In Inspiration, he explains how we can achieve our ultimate purpose by moving through the world of spirit to inspiration. Groundbreaking affirmations.
There's a voice in the universe calling each of us to remember our purpose, our reason for being here now, in this world of impermanence. The voice whispers, shouts, and sings to us that this experience of being in form, in space and time, knowing life and death, has meaning. The voice is that of inspiration, which is within each and every one of us. In this groundbreaking book, Dr. Wayne W. Dyer explains how we've chosen to enter this world of particles and form. From our place of origin, in ways that we don't readily comprehend now, we knew what we were coming here to accomplish, and we participated in setting this life process in motion. So why not think this same way? Why put the responsibility or blame on any one or any thing that's not a part of us? On Earth we have the capacity of volition we can choose, so let's assume that we had the same capacity when we resided in the spiritual realm. We chose our physical body, and we chose the parents we needed for the tdoesn'tIt doesn't seem too great a stretch to move into the idea that we chose this life in concert with our Source. Each chapter in this book is filled with specifics for living an inspired life. From a very personal viewpoint, Wayne Dyer offers a blueprint through the world of spirit to inspiration, your ultimate calling.
Hmm, sounds like all of these emails and notifications came at the same time, one after another is beyond a strange coincidence. Yea, I can hear all of the determinist out there saying stuff about free will, bla bla bla. Yea. I know, but how many things have to happen that seem like they are related to one another for you to say : yea, this is creepy - a little mjustthan jsut a chance.
But I digress.
I am bursting my own bubble...
So it's just strange - how I connected with that doc who is interested in seeing my film, putting me in touch with some doctors who specialize and research mental illness and creativity, and the fact that he wants me to show my film to a study patients paitents so I can tell them about my journey to hell and back.
hmm.
Well, im off to a vernisage - just because it feels right.
I will let you know how it turned out.
So today, went with my mom to see if her bandage needed to be fixed. Turns out she was in the wrong clinic at the wrong time. The doc took one look, said okay and that was it. Two hours and the headache of trying to find parking just for a 2 minute consult.
We went to the hospital cafeteria for some coffee. They serve Starbucks (or as I like to call it - Petroleiumbucks...) and I needed some java so I took the plunge. (its only kicking in now - I am a jittery mess. And the mild looked like mud. euch. I thought I was having cream with my coffee, not coffee with my cream!) My mom and I had a great talk. It seems like hospital cafeterias are just conducive to our 'peeling the onions' in our lives, which is all good.
So after some yapping, we went shopping (which was funny - so girly girly - spending waay too much time trying on the 1001 shades of lipstick from EVERY BRAND) and then she drove me home. On the way, we talked about how "things happen for a reason" and that sometimes we have to surrender to what feels right in our gut. To trust that the universe is looking out for you. I guess that is one way we are looking at her cancer - a second chance at life. It forced her to slow down, re-assess what is important in her life and make the required changes.
SOOO - I get home and my landlord (imagine Santa Clause with strawberry blonde hair and red nose from too much wine consumption) was tooling away in my toilet. We exchanged some hardware stories and antidotes and I went off to check my email. This is what I found in the one dumping at 2pm:
- an email from the susan jeffers site on an article called: EIGHT SIMPLE STEPS TO A MIRACLE
- my Daily Ohm about quiet intuition
- this really wild thing called the Ted prize.
Each year we will honor a maximum of three individuals who have shown that they can, in some way, positively impact life on this planet.
We are looking for inventors and entrepreneurs, designers and artists, visionaries and mavericks, protectors and persuaders. Our goal is to honor and empower these people by connecting them to the formidable resources of the TED community. Our prize-winners may be very different, but they will have this in common: They will be doing something that has extraordinary potential. Something whose positive influence could spread, transcending borders. Something that can contribute to the future of life on earth.
Rather than simply receiving financial support, winners of the TED Prize will be granted something extraordinary: something which children dream about, but which adults assume is merely the stuff of fairy-tales.
They will be granted a WISH to change the world.
They may wish for anything. And we will seek to make their wish come true.
We will allow our winners several months in which to formulate their wish. We want them to think big, and we want them to fully understand the range of resources the TED Community may be able to offer them. We are willing to spend -- in hard cash -- $100,000 on each winner. And our goal is to convert this into received value that is an order of magnitude greater. How?
By connecting our winners into the heart of the TED community
By tapping into the enthusiastic support of our team of sponsors and partners
By working with our winners to deliver something creative and big and bold and wonderful.
Now that in itself sounds really wild. The past winner was a woman documentary filmmaker...
- then an update from Barnes and Noble notifying me of a book 'that I might like"
And you ask (out of politeness) which book is that?
Well, I'll tell you.
Inspiration: Your Ultimate Calling
and the publisher's blurb:
Dr. Wayne Dyer wants us to listen up. He insists that there's a voice in the universe calling each of us to remember and live our purpose. In Inspiration, he explains how we can achieve our ultimate purpose by moving through the world of spirit to inspiration. Groundbreaking affirmations.
There's a voice in the universe calling each of us to remember our purpose, our reason for being here now, in this world of impermanence. The voice whispers, shouts, and sings to us that this experience of being in form, in space and time, knowing life and death, has meaning. The voice is that of inspiration, which is within each and every one of us. In this groundbreaking book, Dr. Wayne W. Dyer explains how we've chosen to enter this world of particles and form. From our place of origin, in ways that we don't readily comprehend now, we knew what we were coming here to accomplish, and we participated in setting this life process in motion. So why not think this same way? Why put the responsibility or blame on any one or any thing that's not a part of us? On Earth we have the capacity of volition we can choose, so let's assume that we had the same capacity when we resided in the spiritual realm. We chose our physical body, and we chose the parents we needed for the tdoesn'tIt doesn't seem too great a stretch to move into the idea that we chose this life in concert with our Source. Each chapter in this book is filled with specifics for living an inspired life. From a very personal viewpoint, Wayne Dyer offers a blueprint through the world of spirit to inspiration, your ultimate calling.
Hmm, sounds like all of these emails and notifications came at the same time, one after another is beyond a strange coincidence. Yea, I can hear all of the determinist out there saying stuff about free will, bla bla bla. Yea. I know, but how many things have to happen that seem like they are related to one another for you to say : yea, this is creepy - a little mjustthan jsut a chance.
But I digress.
I am bursting my own bubble...
So it's just strange - how I connected with that doc who is interested in seeing my film, putting me in touch with some doctors who specialize and research mental illness and creativity, and the fact that he wants me to show my film to a study patients paitents so I can tell them about my journey to hell and back.
hmm.
Well, im off to a vernisage - just because it feels right.
I will let you know how it turned out.
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