mom went to go see the oncologist - the one who discoverd her cancer and operated on her
it will be a year in two weeks
already...
he said that people with melanoma have a 50/50 % chance of survival - those are her odds.
She told me and was optimisitc - I hope I'll be in the top 50%
it hit me - 50%
Is the glass half full or half empty?
Russian roulette with cancer.
Freaked the fuck out of me, I don't even want to think about the other half...
shook me to the core -as if my body and mind already needed shaking...
fucken fuck...
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Thursday, November 16, 2006
when the comfort isn't there...
I had a horrible day at work.
Found out that I'm saddled with this debt and it's a catch 22, and am terrified that I'm going to end up a bag lady at 55, without any money, or family.
This is not a stretch of the imagination.
This is reality.
And the thought that I might just have to leave my dream of being a photographer behind as an unfulfilled one is real as well.
And tonight, something is dying inside - my hope, my beleif in little miracles, and trust in myself.
I called my mom (because mom's are supposed to be there to help in times like this, but I got a kick in the face - and still bruised from another delightful doomsday seeker at work:
"you know, things in life never change. You just have to accept it. You will be alone and broke, and then you will die while others retire in peace and happiness.
Reminds me when I used to work at the Neuro - my Nazi Boss - M. Arts "Things are only gonna get worse!!" That was all he said, all the time. It was the seed of brain cancer that has now grown into my whole body.
I just needed some mom's tlc.
But I didn't get any.
Thank God for my man. He seems to be the only one who understands me now.
I wrote this to my mother, teary and heavy.
Mom.
I am so upset now, you have no idea.
I'm sorry I just hung up on you, but the pain was just so deep.
I know you can't be superwoman all the time, but I was hoping that you heard it in my voice that I needed some comfort, encouragement when I was really feeling like giving it all up.
And you know and have seen me slipping into this up and down roller-coaster: one day up, next day crashing into the ground - the monster I call manic depression, and decreasing these meds makes me even more vulnerable to sadness and pessimism, an open wound in a wind storm.
even one grain of sand can cause an enormous amount of pain out of proportion to the cause of that pain.
Dixie Daredevil says:
It is a wonderful photo ...everyone has said many of the things I am feeling. I miss you, Kat. As you are feeling drawn to Flickr again, I am feeling less inclined to be here these days. I hope we have some overlapping time. You're wonderful...
jenny -- says:
there is something so touching about your photography and your words... I'm looking forward to seeing you here again! :*
And these are comments from people who have seen my images on flickr - that photo sharing place.
These are complete strangers.
I needed to hear that from them, but tonight, I really needed to hear that from you...
I don't know what to say.
I'm going to take a sleeping pill and hope that my horrible day won't wear off into nightmares...
Fuck La Provence!
As much as I love living here, I am realizing that it's killing me to exist in this part of Canada.
A $30, 000 student loan won't go away - even if I die! Figure that out.
Quebec is ruthless in clamping down on student loans.
I've had serious health problems over the years, and one unfortunate circumstance after another in the past 10.
I'm lucky to be able to eat, let alone live under a roof that is not cardboard.
if the fucken gvmt were at least sympathetic - reduce my loan even by 1/2!
I would try to pay that.
I don't want them to think I'm a freeloader,
But when I saw this, I nearly cried and screamed.
I'm now debating wether I should pack my bags and head out west.
Fucken Quebec Government.
not wonder we have the highest suicide rate in Canada!!!!!!!!!
B.C. Loan Forgiveness Program
Overview
The B.C. loan forgiveness program recognizes the increasing need for skilled professionals in underserved communities in the province.
This program has been designed to provide British Columbia Student Loan (BCSL) forgiveness to graduates from accredited post-secondary educational institutions in various professions who agree to work in publicly funded facilities in underserved areas of British Columbia.
Graduates from accredited schools in nursing (including licensed practical nurses and nurse practitioners) and from medical, midwifery and pharmacy schools who began their final year of study on or after Aug. 1, 2000, will have all outstanding BCSL debt forgiven at a rate of 33 1/3 per cent per year.
Students graduating on or after Dec. 1, 2004, from speech language pathology, occupational therapy, audiology and physiotherapy, who will be working with children in underserved communities, will have all outstanding BCSL debt forgiven at a rate of 33 1/3 per cent per year.
Eligibility Criteria
To be eligible for the B.C. loan forgiveness program, you must:
Be employed (full time, part time, and/or casual/on call) at a publicly funded facility in a designated underserved community within B.C.
Have an outstanding BCSL in good standing
Have graduated from an accredited post-secondary institution
Have started your final year of study on or after Aug. 1, 2000 (for nurses, nurse practitioners, doctors, midwives and pharmacists)
Have graduated on or after Dec. 1, 2004 (for speech language pathologists, occupational therapists, audiologists and physiotherapists)
Not be in full-time studies
Note: If your file is under audit, your application will be held until the audit is complete.
How to Apply
B.C. loan forgiveness applications are available through the Student Services Branch or in PDF format below. You must complete your application and forward it to your BCSL lender for completion of the lender's section. The lender will then return the application to you.
Along with the initial application, an original letter from the publicly funded facility or health authority confirming your employment must be submitted.
Note:
If you have a practitioner number, you must submit a letter from your health authority confirming that you serve in the community.
Professionals under contract to the Province must ensure their employment letter also includes the contract number and ministry involved.
Midwives must also submit a letter from the Association of Midwives confirming their registration.
An official sealed transcript showing that graduation requirements have been fulfilled must be included with your first application for loan forgiveness.
At the end of each 12 months of employment, within thirty days of your anniversary date, you must submit a letter from your employer confirming that 12 months of employment have been completed. A reminder letter will be sent out from the Student Services Branch before your anniversary date.
You must submit an application for loan forgiveness to the Student Services Branch at the beginning of each year of employment. Second- and third-year applications must be received by the Student Services Branch within 30 days of your anniversary date.
A $30, 000 student loan won't go away - even if I die! Figure that out.
Quebec is ruthless in clamping down on student loans.
I've had serious health problems over the years, and one unfortunate circumstance after another in the past 10.
I'm lucky to be able to eat, let alone live under a roof that is not cardboard.
if the fucken gvmt were at least sympathetic - reduce my loan even by 1/2!
I would try to pay that.
I don't want them to think I'm a freeloader,
But when I saw this, I nearly cried and screamed.
I'm now debating wether I should pack my bags and head out west.
Fucken Quebec Government.
not wonder we have the highest suicide rate in Canada!!!!!!!!!
B.C. Loan Forgiveness Program
Overview
The B.C. loan forgiveness program recognizes the increasing need for skilled professionals in underserved communities in the province.
This program has been designed to provide British Columbia Student Loan (BCSL) forgiveness to graduates from accredited post-secondary educational institutions in various professions who agree to work in publicly funded facilities in underserved areas of British Columbia.
Graduates from accredited schools in nursing (including licensed practical nurses and nurse practitioners) and from medical, midwifery and pharmacy schools who began their final year of study on or after Aug. 1, 2000, will have all outstanding BCSL debt forgiven at a rate of 33 1/3 per cent per year.
Students graduating on or after Dec. 1, 2004, from speech language pathology, occupational therapy, audiology and physiotherapy, who will be working with children in underserved communities, will have all outstanding BCSL debt forgiven at a rate of 33 1/3 per cent per year.
Eligibility Criteria
To be eligible for the B.C. loan forgiveness program, you must:
Be employed (full time, part time, and/or casual/on call) at a publicly funded facility in a designated underserved community within B.C.
Have an outstanding BCSL in good standing
Have graduated from an accredited post-secondary institution
Have started your final year of study on or after Aug. 1, 2000 (for nurses, nurse practitioners, doctors, midwives and pharmacists)
Have graduated on or after Dec. 1, 2004 (for speech language pathologists, occupational therapists, audiologists and physiotherapists)
Not be in full-time studies
Note: If your file is under audit, your application will be held until the audit is complete.
How to Apply
B.C. loan forgiveness applications are available through the Student Services Branch or in PDF format below. You must complete your application and forward it to your BCSL lender for completion of the lender's section. The lender will then return the application to you.
Along with the initial application, an original letter from the publicly funded facility or health authority confirming your employment must be submitted.
Note:
If you have a practitioner number, you must submit a letter from your health authority confirming that you serve in the community.
Professionals under contract to the Province must ensure their employment letter also includes the contract number and ministry involved.
Midwives must also submit a letter from the Association of Midwives confirming their registration.
An official sealed transcript showing that graduation requirements have been fulfilled must be included with your first application for loan forgiveness.
At the end of each 12 months of employment, within thirty days of your anniversary date, you must submit a letter from your employer confirming that 12 months of employment have been completed. A reminder letter will be sent out from the Student Services Branch before your anniversary date.
You must submit an application for loan forgiveness to the Student Services Branch at the beginning of each year of employment. Second- and third-year applications must be received by the Student Services Branch within 30 days of your anniversary date.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
You just don't get it, do you...
Hmm.
I am amazed sometimes as to how people can have such a narrow minded view about things.
Sure, everybody is entitled to their own opinion, but don't berate others who have a different view than you do, especially when it's something that you have both shared.
This got me a little miffed, and that's why i'm posting it....
This was taken from a flickr group that deals with depression and bi-polar:
hellophotokitty says:
Hello everybody.
I've been away for a while cause I've been trying to process and calm the crazy side effects that I'm getting now that I'm coming down (and eventually off) effexxor.
I told my doc that I wanted to take baby steps - 30 mg less each other week.
'well, you know that it will take longer for you to come off of it..."
DUH!
I told him that i didn't care, as long as I would'nt end up in the hospital from the horrible withdrawl symptoms.
I've had a few manic episodes tho - and not the 'good creative kind"
The doc says that my system may be de-stabilized but I beg to differ. I remember reading that some meds may even make you hyper manic..
Thanks to CBT, I managed to nip them in the bud - see the paranoia sneaking around the corner, quell the racing thoughts that piggy back on eachother, but sometimes, the mania hits like a bolt of lightning - and I stand stunned and overwhelmed.
I was so pleased with myself last week as I found the perfect metaphor to describe the feeling in my head when I'm on the ladder to mania:
Imagine the sound of a thousand zippers going up and down at the same time - that is what I hear in my head...
What about you? Have you had any increase in side effects from decreasing medication?
Scrybl says:
Efexor is notorious for having a withdrawal syndrome. You have to come off it very very slowly and with the help of other medication. It's a good antidepressant, but a bitch to come off of. My psychiatrist said that you need other meds to help you come off it. All the best of luck to you.
Grey Skies, Sad Eyes says:
when i went off effexor it was horrible, i was throwing up, shaking, and i was just completly out there, for like a week. but i did stop cold turkey, i ran away from home with out my pills so i couldnt really help but stop........ but i have come off a lot of meds and things often will get worse for a while just because your body has to reajust.... but dont give up hope it took me three years but now im med free and feeling better then ever....
jouste says:
i don't get it!
this thing about being off meds is REALLLLLY weird to me.
if i go off my meds there is a way higher than average chance i will either be dead or in prison.
the last time i went off meds i was in a manic state of paranoid hallcuinations for six days, called the police six times, and was OUT OF MY HEAD!
i thought i was doing just fine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so, excuse me if i have no pity or sympathy with people who screw around with meds.
you either need them or you don't but if you go off of them you owe it to the people around you and society in general to not be too ill in the first place.
otherwise stay on them and deal with it.
madmike73 says:
Last year they tried to ween me off of Efexor. The thinking was I was already taking an anti-depressant, Remeron, along with lithium and adavan so i could probably eliminate Efexor. Every second week i would drop 37.5 of the Efexor. When I finally got down to the last 37.5 is when I started getting the wierd withdrawals. It would feel like an electrical pulse starting at the base of my spine and running up into my brain and vibrating. My mind started to race, and I started pacing the floors. My mind always races though, but at least with the meds it's blunted a bit.
About the hypermanic....I was put on Paxil, and it actually agitated me. I literally couldn't sit down. I would go to work for 10 hours, walk to a gym, 4miles round trip, stay up all night watching tv, and eventually get about two hours sleep. That went on for a year till i crashed. MY Aunt is bipolar and had a similar experience with Paxil.
You're under a doctors care, and it seems like you know yourself pretty well. You'll know what you need or don't.
Good luck, hope you're feeling ok.
jodiemim says:
Effexor withdrawl was a bitch for me too, but I did it and you will too. I had the weird brain thingies and the flu symptoms and the racing thoughts. it went away eventually, don't worry.
Weirdly enough, Paxil did crazy crap to me too. I was practically hallucinating (and that's not something I typically do) and I was totally panicked. Apparently it has really bad effects on some people!
Posted 14 hours ago. ( permalink )
covinichrome says:
Oh lord, I thought I had it hard coming off paroxetine, but reading this I see I got off very lightly. I wish you well.
I tried to come off pararoxetine cold turkey in the mid-90s when withdrawal symptoms were only starting to be reported in the literature. (I remember massive anxiety and insomnia.) After showing such a report to my psychiatrist I was weaned off paroxetine with a tapering dose of fluoxetine over two weeks. It was perhaps the weirdest time I've ever experienced. I felt my life was a movie, with myself and all around me as characters; it was reminiscent of a low-grade mushroom trip without euphoria, during which I was expected to function as normal.
The great thing was that once the trauma was over I felt real emotion for the first time in two years.
For the past few years I've been on moclobemide, which fortunately has almost no noticeable side effects, and no withdrawal symptoms at all. But it isn't an effective antidepressant for everyone.
Posted 8 hours ago. ( permalink )
My response (with a delicate finger point to Jouste)
hellophotokitty says:
Thank you everybody for sharing such intimate stories - it's often quite harrowing to recount even the most incidental of moments...
Scrybl - My new doc is listening to me because I told him that I've been on this medication for longer than he's been a doctor - that shook him up. But without further bruising his ego, I said that I had come to a point where I knew my body so well, and had experienced many different stages of withdrawal and increase in several medications that I could write my own information sheet about each medication. I have switched to the non SR (they didn't come in denominations lower than 75mg) to the regular effexor - and am going down slower, but have to keep the dosages timed (am, afternoon and pm) as to keep the level stable in my system...
Grey Skies, Sad Eyes - ouch! Cold turkey is always a huge shock to your system, even caffeine, sugars etc. I tried coffee - cold turkey, and that turned me into a shaking, quaking rambling, vomiting mess for two weeks. Any drug yanked out of your system quickly is bound to create havoc - the body has its own way of telling you "WOA NELLY!!" I'm glad you’re on the mend.
:-)
jouste :
"so, excuse me if i have no pity or sympathy with people who screw around with meds"
Hmm.
Everybody is entitled to their own opinions about these matters, but if might say so, I think you're being a little harsh about this. I'm not 'screwing around with' my meds. I've been on effexxor for almost 10 years, and over the last 4, it's just stopped working. My depressions got worse no matter how much I increased the dose. Why stay on a medication if it's not working? Withdrawal symptoms are part and parcel of the whole medication world, and it's something we must accept when we decide to take any kind of anti-depressant.
I'm sorry to hear that your experience was so horrible, and that you fell so rapidly and intensely. If you can find a medication that works for you, I'd say stick with it as long as you can. Why quit something that keeps you sane and alive? But when the medication is causing you more harm, grief and depression, it's time for a change, or at least, a modification in the hopes that you'll find something better...
madmike73 - ahh - those wonderful brain shocks. I've heard so many stories about this, and have experienced them myself - not pretty, and it worries me that even at the final small dose, you had those crazy side effects, but like you, I'm going REALLY slow, and if I even feel so much as an odd twitch, I re-adjust the dose (as in terms of decrease - keeping myself on a dose of 150 instead of dropping 50 mg in one shot). Paxil? I think there was a lot of controversy when people started committing suicide on it. I've heard horror stories, and have stayed away because of it. As I said to Jouste - we are all aware of the risks and side effects that come with these medications, it's not like we are going into this blindly, but there are some risks and variables as everybody's system is different. I hope you're doing better now.
jodiemim - thank you for your words of support. Coming from someone who's an effexxor withdrawal effects survivor, it gives me hope that I'll be able to kick this nasty brain shaking rollercoaster ride soon enough!
covinichrome - mid 90's - the days when excitement over new SSRI's and other cerebral happy seasonings were all the rage, mixing and matching drug classes was vogue. Little did many doctors know that some mixtures were toxic and harmful. I guess lab rats just didn't cut it when it came to exhibiting racing thoughts, panic attacks, and the surreal Avant Garde cinematic - waiting for the credits to role headspace that many of us found ourselves in, despite repeated attempts to sleep it off, or ignore it. I'm happy that you've found your 'right med' and right dose after all these years. That makes all the difference.
I will keep you all posted on my progress... :-)
I'm waiting for his comeback to my post...
this should be interesting...
I am amazed sometimes as to how people can have such a narrow minded view about things.
Sure, everybody is entitled to their own opinion, but don't berate others who have a different view than you do, especially when it's something that you have both shared.
This got me a little miffed, and that's why i'm posting it....
This was taken from a flickr group that deals with depression and bi-polar:
hellophotokitty says:
Hello everybody.
I've been away for a while cause I've been trying to process and calm the crazy side effects that I'm getting now that I'm coming down (and eventually off) effexxor.
I told my doc that I wanted to take baby steps - 30 mg less each other week.
'well, you know that it will take longer for you to come off of it..."
DUH!
I told him that i didn't care, as long as I would'nt end up in the hospital from the horrible withdrawl symptoms.
I've had a few manic episodes tho - and not the 'good creative kind"
The doc says that my system may be de-stabilized but I beg to differ. I remember reading that some meds may even make you hyper manic..
Thanks to CBT, I managed to nip them in the bud - see the paranoia sneaking around the corner, quell the racing thoughts that piggy back on eachother, but sometimes, the mania hits like a bolt of lightning - and I stand stunned and overwhelmed.
I was so pleased with myself last week as I found the perfect metaphor to describe the feeling in my head when I'm on the ladder to mania:
Imagine the sound of a thousand zippers going up and down at the same time - that is what I hear in my head...
What about you? Have you had any increase in side effects from decreasing medication?
Scrybl says:
Efexor is notorious for having a withdrawal syndrome. You have to come off it very very slowly and with the help of other medication. It's a good antidepressant, but a bitch to come off of. My psychiatrist said that you need other meds to help you come off it. All the best of luck to you.
Grey Skies, Sad Eyes says:
when i went off effexor it was horrible, i was throwing up, shaking, and i was just completly out there, for like a week. but i did stop cold turkey, i ran away from home with out my pills so i couldnt really help but stop........ but i have come off a lot of meds and things often will get worse for a while just because your body has to reajust.... but dont give up hope it took me three years but now im med free and feeling better then ever....
jouste says:
i don't get it!
this thing about being off meds is REALLLLLY weird to me.
if i go off my meds there is a way higher than average chance i will either be dead or in prison.
the last time i went off meds i was in a manic state of paranoid hallcuinations for six days, called the police six times, and was OUT OF MY HEAD!
i thought i was doing just fine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so, excuse me if i have no pity or sympathy with people who screw around with meds.
you either need them or you don't but if you go off of them you owe it to the people around you and society in general to not be too ill in the first place.
otherwise stay on them and deal with it.
madmike73 says:
Last year they tried to ween me off of Efexor. The thinking was I was already taking an anti-depressant, Remeron, along with lithium and adavan so i could probably eliminate Efexor. Every second week i would drop 37.5 of the Efexor. When I finally got down to the last 37.5 is when I started getting the wierd withdrawals. It would feel like an electrical pulse starting at the base of my spine and running up into my brain and vibrating. My mind started to race, and I started pacing the floors. My mind always races though, but at least with the meds it's blunted a bit.
About the hypermanic....I was put on Paxil, and it actually agitated me. I literally couldn't sit down. I would go to work for 10 hours, walk to a gym, 4miles round trip, stay up all night watching tv, and eventually get about two hours sleep. That went on for a year till i crashed. MY Aunt is bipolar and had a similar experience with Paxil.
You're under a doctors care, and it seems like you know yourself pretty well. You'll know what you need or don't.
Good luck, hope you're feeling ok.
jodiemim says:
Effexor withdrawl was a bitch for me too, but I did it and you will too. I had the weird brain thingies and the flu symptoms and the racing thoughts. it went away eventually, don't worry.
Weirdly enough, Paxil did crazy crap to me too. I was practically hallucinating (and that's not something I typically do) and I was totally panicked. Apparently it has really bad effects on some people!
Posted 14 hours ago. ( permalink )
covinichrome says:
Oh lord, I thought I had it hard coming off paroxetine, but reading this I see I got off very lightly. I wish you well.
I tried to come off pararoxetine cold turkey in the mid-90s when withdrawal symptoms were only starting to be reported in the literature. (I remember massive anxiety and insomnia.) After showing such a report to my psychiatrist I was weaned off paroxetine with a tapering dose of fluoxetine over two weeks. It was perhaps the weirdest time I've ever experienced. I felt my life was a movie, with myself and all around me as characters; it was reminiscent of a low-grade mushroom trip without euphoria, during which I was expected to function as normal.
The great thing was that once the trauma was over I felt real emotion for the first time in two years.
For the past few years I've been on moclobemide, which fortunately has almost no noticeable side effects, and no withdrawal symptoms at all. But it isn't an effective antidepressant for everyone.
Posted 8 hours ago. ( permalink )
My response (with a delicate finger point to Jouste)
hellophotokitty says:
Thank you everybody for sharing such intimate stories - it's often quite harrowing to recount even the most incidental of moments...
Scrybl - My new doc is listening to me because I told him that I've been on this medication for longer than he's been a doctor - that shook him up. But without further bruising his ego, I said that I had come to a point where I knew my body so well, and had experienced many different stages of withdrawal and increase in several medications that I could write my own information sheet about each medication. I have switched to the non SR (they didn't come in denominations lower than 75mg) to the regular effexor - and am going down slower, but have to keep the dosages timed (am, afternoon and pm) as to keep the level stable in my system...
Grey Skies, Sad Eyes - ouch! Cold turkey is always a huge shock to your system, even caffeine, sugars etc. I tried coffee - cold turkey, and that turned me into a shaking, quaking rambling, vomiting mess for two weeks. Any drug yanked out of your system quickly is bound to create havoc - the body has its own way of telling you "WOA NELLY!!" I'm glad you’re on the mend.
:-)
jouste :
"so, excuse me if i have no pity or sympathy with people who screw around with meds"
Hmm.
Everybody is entitled to their own opinions about these matters, but if might say so, I think you're being a little harsh about this. I'm not 'screwing around with' my meds. I've been on effexxor for almost 10 years, and over the last 4, it's just stopped working. My depressions got worse no matter how much I increased the dose. Why stay on a medication if it's not working? Withdrawal symptoms are part and parcel of the whole medication world, and it's something we must accept when we decide to take any kind of anti-depressant.
I'm sorry to hear that your experience was so horrible, and that you fell so rapidly and intensely. If you can find a medication that works for you, I'd say stick with it as long as you can. Why quit something that keeps you sane and alive? But when the medication is causing you more harm, grief and depression, it's time for a change, or at least, a modification in the hopes that you'll find something better...
madmike73 - ahh - those wonderful brain shocks. I've heard so many stories about this, and have experienced them myself - not pretty, and it worries me that even at the final small dose, you had those crazy side effects, but like you, I'm going REALLY slow, and if I even feel so much as an odd twitch, I re-adjust the dose (as in terms of decrease - keeping myself on a dose of 150 instead of dropping 50 mg in one shot). Paxil? I think there was a lot of controversy when people started committing suicide on it. I've heard horror stories, and have stayed away because of it. As I said to Jouste - we are all aware of the risks and side effects that come with these medications, it's not like we are going into this blindly, but there are some risks and variables as everybody's system is different. I hope you're doing better now.
jodiemim - thank you for your words of support. Coming from someone who's an effexxor withdrawal effects survivor, it gives me hope that I'll be able to kick this nasty brain shaking rollercoaster ride soon enough!
covinichrome - mid 90's - the days when excitement over new SSRI's and other cerebral happy seasonings were all the rage, mixing and matching drug classes was vogue. Little did many doctors know that some mixtures were toxic and harmful. I guess lab rats just didn't cut it when it came to exhibiting racing thoughts, panic attacks, and the surreal Avant Garde cinematic - waiting for the credits to role headspace that many of us found ourselves in, despite repeated attempts to sleep it off, or ignore it. I'm happy that you've found your 'right med' and right dose after all these years. That makes all the difference.
I will keep you all posted on my progress... :-)
I'm waiting for his comeback to my post...
this should be interesting...
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
dogsmell
I love animals, and love cats and dogs, but there are several reasons why I only have two cats:
a) lack of wide open spaces or a back yard
b) i'm not home during the day/afternoon
c) I don't have the money to pay for all that dog food if I had a big dog
d) i hate waking up in the middle of the night to pee, let alone get up for a dog who has to pee in the middle of the night!
e) hate that "dogsmell" that can get into everything you own and touch!
Some dogs smell more than others. This is still a mystery to me.
No matter the size, each one is different.
If there are any vets or dog lovers out there, can you please enlighten me why and how this happens?
I love my friend, and love her dogs, but damm. I can't stand the smell!
I slept in a closed room with the puppy last night and I was overwhelmed with it. I was so close to just slathering the pooch with some Febreze, but there was none to be found.
Sometimes it's a good idea to carry some around.
Case in point.
The older pup was a more friendly this morning.
I have no clue what the hell happened last night, and was a wee bit miffed that I didn't even get a call to let me know that my panicked txt messages were received, at least acknowledged, because fungaool, I was a basket case and was ready to haul out of there....
So we shall wait for the update.
Woof.
a) lack of wide open spaces or a back yard
b) i'm not home during the day/afternoon
c) I don't have the money to pay for all that dog food if I had a big dog
d) i hate waking up in the middle of the night to pee, let alone get up for a dog who has to pee in the middle of the night!
e) hate that "dogsmell" that can get into everything you own and touch!
Some dogs smell more than others. This is still a mystery to me.
No matter the size, each one is different.
If there are any vets or dog lovers out there, can you please enlighten me why and how this happens?
I love my friend, and love her dogs, but damm. I can't stand the smell!
I slept in a closed room with the puppy last night and I was overwhelmed with it. I was so close to just slathering the pooch with some Febreze, but there was none to be found.
Sometimes it's a good idea to carry some around.
Case in point.
The older pup was a more friendly this morning.
I have no clue what the hell happened last night, and was a wee bit miffed that I didn't even get a call to let me know that my panicked txt messages were received, at least acknowledged, because fungaool, I was a basket case and was ready to haul out of there....
So we shall wait for the update.
Woof.
Monday, November 13, 2006
Bad dog...
I am really mad.
I am really pissed off at my friend's dog
A dog who I knew when he was just a puppy.
And he snapped at me - twice!
I'm fed up.
I am here at her place, because she is out of town for the next two days.
I can't do anything with the dog. He's become so tempermental in his old age...
He's only 2.
Which is about 30 in human years right?
Mid life crisis perhaps?
Well, no dog walkie 2mrw.
I need my hand to type and file at work!!
Damm dog...
I am really pissed off at my friend's dog
A dog who I knew when he was just a puppy.
And he snapped at me - twice!
I'm fed up.
I am here at her place, because she is out of town for the next two days.
I can't do anything with the dog. He's become so tempermental in his old age...
He's only 2.
Which is about 30 in human years right?
Mid life crisis perhaps?
Well, no dog walkie 2mrw.
I need my hand to type and file at work!!
Damm dog...
Monday, November 06, 2006
Ancient Chinese wisdom - Paris Hilton Style
This was just too funny. This is an example of something that would only happen to me; but I embrace it because I am a weirdo, freak, bizzaro energy magnet.
Hence the title of this blog
While everybody else was cracking open their cookies, sharing their snippets of ancient chinese wisdom, I looked down and there it was.
The fortune cookie that was meant for Paris Hilton...
Thursday, November 02, 2006
The world turned on it's head
This is just silly.
What will people think of next?
Yes, I understand that space could be an issue for some people, but pluuuzze! Get a fricken smaller tree why don't you?!
Talk about getting into the xmas spirit.
in my next post, I will share the kind of ancient chinese wisdom everybody expects to get from a fortune cookie - but if I were Carrie Bradshaw!!
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Travesty!
This is a video I did cinematography for.
It's quite hysterical.
Peter (the one going insane) played "Gino" in SALC last year (wow - already a year has gone by!) and here he's brilliant and insane. It was a ruined take (somebody knocking at the door), but it's considered a classic in my book!
Enjoy!
It's quite hysterical.
Peter (the one going insane) played "Gino" in SALC last year (wow - already a year has gone by!) and here he's brilliant and insane. It was a ruined take (somebody knocking at the door), but it's considered a classic in my book!
Enjoy!
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Another Saturday night...
God bless Hoegaarden. Because of it:
a) I am going to sleep like a baby tonight.
b) am able to type so fluidly (and thank god for the spell check option on this blog thingamajig...)
c) am able to laugh off the absurdities of what has been happening over the past few days.
E's father was diagnosed with prostate cancer a few weeks ago. He had the operation last night. All went well, but I find his family a bit odd: his wife did not go to the hospital and neither did his daughter. When my mom went in for her surgery, she had half of a football team behind her.
what's up with that?
I am losing my hair - serious hair loss. I am getting a bald spot on the back of my head. Hair thinning out all over. My body hair has stopped growing. That would be a good thing on its own (God knows I've spent a small fortune on waxing and electrolysis), but the location is all wrong. I don't know what is happening, and am terrified to hazard a guess.
I've been surfing the net. The problem lies in the fact that the amount of information available on www can be overwhelming. From Alopecia to Polycycstic ovarian syndrome, every symptom sounds like mine.
but is it?
I don't have the merit badge or alphabet soup tagged onto the end of my family name, therefore a diagnosis would only be conjecture. I fear the worst.
Surrounded by cancer, my body quakes at the presupposition of a diagnosis
or misdiagnosis...
I don't know what to do.
I treated myself to a Swedish massage today, but to my disappointment, I didn't get what I paid for, and that bugged the shit out of me.
So I sit here, a quarter past the witching hour, muscles taut, head throbbing, hair thinning, ovaries protesting, wondering when all of this mayhem will finally settle.
Oh, what to do.
Oh God help me find some answers...
a) I am going to sleep like a baby tonight.
b) am able to type so fluidly (and thank god for the spell check option on this blog thingamajig...)
c) am able to laugh off the absurdities of what has been happening over the past few days.
E's father was diagnosed with prostate cancer a few weeks ago. He had the operation last night. All went well, but I find his family a bit odd: his wife did not go to the hospital and neither did his daughter. When my mom went in for her surgery, she had half of a football team behind her.
what's up with that?
I am losing my hair - serious hair loss. I am getting a bald spot on the back of my head. Hair thinning out all over. My body hair has stopped growing. That would be a good thing on its own (God knows I've spent a small fortune on waxing and electrolysis), but the location is all wrong. I don't know what is happening, and am terrified to hazard a guess.
I've been surfing the net. The problem lies in the fact that the amount of information available on www can be overwhelming. From Alopecia to Polycycstic ovarian syndrome, every symptom sounds like mine.
but is it?
I don't have the merit badge or alphabet soup tagged onto the end of my family name, therefore a diagnosis would only be conjecture. I fear the worst.
Surrounded by cancer, my body quakes at the presupposition of a diagnosis
or misdiagnosis...
I don't know what to do.
I treated myself to a Swedish massage today, but to my disappointment, I didn't get what I paid for, and that bugged the shit out of me.
So I sit here, a quarter past the witching hour, muscles taut, head throbbing, hair thinning, ovaries protesting, wondering when all of this mayhem will finally settle.
Oh, what to do.
Oh God help me find some answers...
Sunday, October 15, 2006
"Dont blame us for her mood"
I came across this image while doing a search for PMS on Flickr.
I must say - it's images like this one that make me infuriated!
I would love nothing more than to take the ad exec who thought up this sick add, and lock him in my body during the worst 8 days of my life which happen once a month, every month, for the past 28 years of my life...
PMS has been something I have been struggling with for years, actually as long as I can remember. I was simultaneously diagnosed with PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder), hypothyroidism and manic-depression after my first major breakdown at 20. I had been suffering in silence for years, not knowing what was happening to my body. To top it all off, my period was never regular, which would mean, I would PMS twice, sometimes three times a month.
Shortly after taking Prozac, my symptoms began to fade; periods became regular and those 8-15 days of hell each month shrunk down to 1-3 at most. Even those were not as bad as previous years.
Years later, the pms came back. Prozac began to lose its effect on me. I spiraled into another depression.
4 years after that, I joined a study on Effexxor and the efficacy of this drug and PMS. After establishing the right dosage, I was better again. This lasted for about 8 years. Then all hell broke loose.
Started all over again about 4 years ago. Started taking Welburtin, added some Topomax, then Neurontin, and now Lamictal. Nothing seems to work anymore, and the PMS is back again, more severe than ever. I dread the week before I bleed. There are times when I wish I could just have a hysterectomy and be done with it.
I become a monster when I pms. Not only am I volatile in mood, my whole body goes out of whack: my sense of smell becomes heightened, constant head splitting migraines, body aches so severe, I can't even stand or walk, cravings that would put a pregnant woman to shame, bloating, constipation.
But I've left out the mental disturbances...
This cornucopia of meds have already (and are) weaking havoc on my system, but PPMD throws everything into overdrive - everything to the power of 1000. I turn into a demonic shadow of my former self.
And this is with the medications that keep me from losing control...
It really rubs me the wrong way when others make fun of women who have pms. It also bothers me when other 'womanly ills" such as Post Partum Depression get more press and attention than something EVERY woman might suffer. Not every woman has a baby, but we all get our period...
Pre-menstural syndrome is still taboo. And being bi-polar in addition to that makes me feel even more like a monster than I can already be without it.
(I guess I am pmsing. The warning signs are so evident, and I try to make light of the situation, but when I'm already feeling like disappearing from the world, when taking my next breath seems like a chore, dealing with shedding part of what makes me a woman is just a lucid nightmare waiting to unfold.)
I must say - it's images like this one that make me infuriated!
I would love nothing more than to take the ad exec who thought up this sick add, and lock him in my body during the worst 8 days of my life which happen once a month, every month, for the past 28 years of my life...
PMS has been something I have been struggling with for years, actually as long as I can remember. I was simultaneously diagnosed with PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder), hypothyroidism and manic-depression after my first major breakdown at 20. I had been suffering in silence for years, not knowing what was happening to my body. To top it all off, my period was never regular, which would mean, I would PMS twice, sometimes three times a month.
Shortly after taking Prozac, my symptoms began to fade; periods became regular and those 8-15 days of hell each month shrunk down to 1-3 at most. Even those were not as bad as previous years.
Years later, the pms came back. Prozac began to lose its effect on me. I spiraled into another depression.
4 years after that, I joined a study on Effexxor and the efficacy of this drug and PMS. After establishing the right dosage, I was better again. This lasted for about 8 years. Then all hell broke loose.
Started all over again about 4 years ago. Started taking Welburtin, added some Topomax, then Neurontin, and now Lamictal. Nothing seems to work anymore, and the PMS is back again, more severe than ever. I dread the week before I bleed. There are times when I wish I could just have a hysterectomy and be done with it.
I become a monster when I pms. Not only am I volatile in mood, my whole body goes out of whack: my sense of smell becomes heightened, constant head splitting migraines, body aches so severe, I can't even stand or walk, cravings that would put a pregnant woman to shame, bloating, constipation.
But I've left out the mental disturbances...
This cornucopia of meds have already (and are) weaking havoc on my system, but PPMD throws everything into overdrive - everything to the power of 1000. I turn into a demonic shadow of my former self.
And this is with the medications that keep me from losing control...
It really rubs me the wrong way when others make fun of women who have pms. It also bothers me when other 'womanly ills" such as Post Partum Depression get more press and attention than something EVERY woman might suffer. Not every woman has a baby, but we all get our period...
Pre-menstural syndrome is still taboo. And being bi-polar in addition to that makes me feel even more like a monster than I can already be without it.
(I guess I am pmsing. The warning signs are so evident, and I try to make light of the situation, but when I'm already feeling like disappearing from the world, when taking my next breath seems like a chore, dealing with shedding part of what makes me a woman is just a lucid nightmare waiting to unfold.)
Flying by on damp fall air
The remnants of summer are flying by my window as I type this.
The beautiful greenery that I once swayed nearby is now yellowed and dying. Loose skin flapping in the damp wind. Waving goodbye to summer - to the sunshine the life and warmth; the the sparse hours of humid air, delicate winds slipping through sweat and cotton.
I am in an airplane.
At the terminal, groups of trees divide into single leaves of color and various states of decomposition. Inside my body, limbic systems make a final check and then idle. Eyelids pulled down by age and sleep distort images already filtered through impenetrable pressurized glass. The haze of outside weather and liters of internal fluid - symbiotic, moving in tandem, preparing for the change of seasons.
12:35pm
Sunday October 15th, 2006
The beautiful greenery that I once swayed nearby is now yellowed and dying. Loose skin flapping in the damp wind. Waving goodbye to summer - to the sunshine the life and warmth; the the sparse hours of humid air, delicate winds slipping through sweat and cotton.
I am in an airplane.
At the terminal, groups of trees divide into single leaves of color and various states of decomposition. Inside my body, limbic systems make a final check and then idle. Eyelids pulled down by age and sleep distort images already filtered through impenetrable pressurized glass. The haze of outside weather and liters of internal fluid - symbiotic, moving in tandem, preparing for the change of seasons.
12:35pm
Sunday October 15th, 2006
p a s s e n g e r
Here in my car
I feel safest of all
I can lock all my doors
It's the only way to live in cars.
Here in my car
I can only receive
I can listen to you
It keeps me stable for days in cars.
Here in my car
Where the image breaks down
Will you visit me please
If I open my door in cars
Here in my car
You know I've started to think
About leaving tonight
Although nothing seems right in cars.
This has become my hiding place.
I can hide here for days...
I feel safest of all
I can lock all my doors
It's the only way to live in cars.
Here in my car
I can only receive
I can listen to you
It keeps me stable for days in cars.
Here in my car
Where the image breaks down
Will you visit me please
If I open my door in cars
Here in my car
You know I've started to think
About leaving tonight
Although nothing seems right in cars.
This has become my hiding place.
I can hide here for days...
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Under the desk duty
I'm so tired latley - feeling a need to stop, sleep and hide all the time. Working 9 to 5 is killing me. I took a nap underneath my desk today. I had to laugh - remembering George with his little nook under his desk.
And now on a lighter note..
Jerry: (on phone) hello.
GEORGE: Jerry, I'm trapped under my desk. Steinbrenner is in the room. You got to help me.
JERRY: Who is this?
GEORGE: Jerry, . . .
Kid: Hi,
GEORGE: Sh, sh, goodbye, sh, get away.
Kid: Hi, I'm Brady.
GEORGE: ?? get away??
JERRY: Why don't you just have him paged?
GEORGE: Can't you think of something. Call in a bomb threat.
JERRY: A bomb threat? Why would I call in a bomb threat?
GEORGE: Just CALL!
JERRY: I should have some reason.
STEINBRENNER: Hey you kids know tunes; see if this song rings a bell, "Heartbreaker , . . . "
Woman: Mr. Steinbrenner we just received a call. There's a bomb in the building.
STEINBRENNER: A bomb in the building, oh, m'god. Quick, everyone under the desk
STEINBRENNER: Boy can you think of what went through my mind when I saw there wasn't going to be enough room under that desk for me and my babies.
GEORGE: I'm sorry sir.
STEINBRENNER: You know what I think? I think you knew about that bomb ahead of time.
GEORGE: What?
STEINBRENNER: ???? about that bomb. You climbed under that desk because you have ESP. George, what's on my mind? . . . Meatballs! Huh? Unbelievable. Anyway this terrorist had a specific demand. Not more cheap adjustable hats on hat day. He wants fitted hats just like the players wear.
God bless the creators and actors of Sienfeld...
And now on a lighter note..
Jerry: (on phone) hello.
GEORGE: Jerry, I'm trapped under my desk. Steinbrenner is in the room. You got to help me.
JERRY: Who is this?
GEORGE: Jerry, . . .
Kid: Hi,
GEORGE: Sh, sh, goodbye, sh, get away.
Kid: Hi, I'm Brady.
GEORGE: ?? get away??
JERRY: Why don't you just have him paged?
GEORGE: Can't you think of something. Call in a bomb threat.
JERRY: A bomb threat? Why would I call in a bomb threat?
GEORGE: Just CALL!
JERRY: I should have some reason.
STEINBRENNER: Hey you kids know tunes; see if this song rings a bell, "Heartbreaker , . . . "
Woman: Mr. Steinbrenner we just received a call. There's a bomb in the building.
STEINBRENNER: A bomb in the building, oh, m'god. Quick, everyone under the desk
STEINBRENNER: Boy can you think of what went through my mind when I saw there wasn't going to be enough room under that desk for me and my babies.
GEORGE: I'm sorry sir.
STEINBRENNER: You know what I think? I think you knew about that bomb ahead of time.
GEORGE: What?
STEINBRENNER: ???? about that bomb. You climbed under that desk because you have ESP. George, what's on my mind? . . . Meatballs! Huh? Unbelievable. Anyway this terrorist had a specific demand. Not more cheap adjustable hats on hat day. He wants fitted hats just like the players wear.
God bless the creators and actors of Sienfeld...
cancer of the mind - a letter to a friend
This was a letter I wrote to a friend. Too tired to comment...
Withdrawl symptoms are hard. I'm trying to go down gradually - 35 mg per two weeks, but I can feel it already - the nausea, the headaches, the achey flu like symptoms, but the worst is the fading hope, the dark cloud that keeps on getting bigger and bigger.
I equate it to a mental cancer - this depression eats away at my view on life, tainting it, making it ill, corroded, ugly and deadly. Each day is a struggle to keep afloat. Fucken medication.
I'm trying accupuncture - I have nothing left to lose at this point. I'm trying to go every week. The menu of meds I take every morning make me feel like a walking department store of pills and I wonder if I ever went off of them, would my body ever be able to function properly.
I look at my mother and she's one of the reasons I'm still alive. Without her to be my inspiration, I don't know where I'd be now. If she can go through cancer and chemo, I can go through this. The thing is, like I said before, this is a cancer of the mind which affects the body which effects the morale, which effects my existance. It's more complicated than I thought it would be.
Withdrawl symptoms are hard. I'm trying to go down gradually - 35 mg per two weeks, but I can feel it already - the nausea, the headaches, the achey flu like symptoms, but the worst is the fading hope, the dark cloud that keeps on getting bigger and bigger.
I equate it to a mental cancer - this depression eats away at my view on life, tainting it, making it ill, corroded, ugly and deadly. Each day is a struggle to keep afloat. Fucken medication.
I'm trying accupuncture - I have nothing left to lose at this point. I'm trying to go every week. The menu of meds I take every morning make me feel like a walking department store of pills and I wonder if I ever went off of them, would my body ever be able to function properly.
I look at my mother and she's one of the reasons I'm still alive. Without her to be my inspiration, I don't know where I'd be now. If she can go through cancer and chemo, I can go through this. The thing is, like I said before, this is a cancer of the mind which affects the body which effects the morale, which effects my existance. It's more complicated than I thought it would be.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Have I mentioned that almost every night, I dream of plane crashes and air raids? Metal birds in the sky colliding - exploding, falling
people terrified, helpless
screaming, horrified
fighter planes with their engines on fire
chasing renegade bombs before they hit the ground
I dreamt that I was looking outside my bedroom window and a huge jumbo jet engine roared by, nearly missing the house. The turbine was so close, I could almost touch it.
The smell of hot jet fuel almost melted my lungs.
what's next?
I cried over and over again.
when will this nightmare end?
Dreamt that a friend had become a crack whore - left her darling husband, 3 beautiful boys and took to the streets.
One night at a party, she was brutally beaten and died from her injuries. People stood around and watched. She screamed for help. Nobody cared. Everybody got too scared to become involved.
I heard about what had happened seconds after it began. Terrified, not looking behind me, I ran into the house.
terrified and feeling guilty
for feeling terrified
I acted surprised when the news broke that she died; but secretly wondered if my effort could have made a difference or would my body become a battered mess, brought down into the moment from the momentum of growing anger.
I was alive and she was dead.
survivor's guilt
Dreamer's despair
I try to keep awake as long as my body can endure
I don't wasn't to sleep and wake up terrified again...
people terrified, helpless
screaming, horrified
fighter planes with their engines on fire
chasing renegade bombs before they hit the ground
I dreamt that I was looking outside my bedroom window and a huge jumbo jet engine roared by, nearly missing the house. The turbine was so close, I could almost touch it.
The smell of hot jet fuel almost melted my lungs.
what's next?
I cried over and over again.
when will this nightmare end?
Dreamt that a friend had become a crack whore - left her darling husband, 3 beautiful boys and took to the streets.
One night at a party, she was brutally beaten and died from her injuries. People stood around and watched. She screamed for help. Nobody cared. Everybody got too scared to become involved.
I heard about what had happened seconds after it began. Terrified, not looking behind me, I ran into the house.
terrified and feeling guilty
for feeling terrified
I acted surprised when the news broke that she died; but secretly wondered if my effort could have made a difference or would my body become a battered mess, brought down into the moment from the momentum of growing anger.
I was alive and she was dead.
survivor's guilt
Dreamer's despair
I try to keep awake as long as my body can endure
I don't wasn't to sleep and wake up terrified again...
Letter to a friend - Tuesday night - 10:20pm
Girl,
You're the only one I can talk to, so please forgive me if I begin to be my dark self.
It's getting more difficult, every day.
going off the meds is something I'm getting 2nd thoughts about.
Each day gets a little less sunny, a little less full, a little darker, heavier.
My laugh lines around my mouth are getting deeper. I find that to be a completly cruel joke as I'm doing anything but smiling or laughing lately.
A smile upside-down.
My stomach is expanding - combination of bloating and blockage.
I look like I am 4 months pregnant - another irony.
Empty womb - empty space. I lack any kind of glow.
I am beginning to hate my body.
No, loathe is a better word.
Loathe all that is inside of me, all that I've lost over the years, and all the extra weight, skin, years that wait for me to stop running and finally stand still.
Empty
empty
I can't even carry myself
empty
empty
I got news from the dude in NYC - he got his big break. CEO of a new company. He's starting at 85 000. He's going to pick up his company car on Friday. A Mercedes. He's leaving to go to Peru Tuesday for two weeks, then off to Vegas and California - 2 weeks each in November
For business.
He was at the 2007 show last week. Another high profile event the week before.
I could not be happier for him.
He really honest to God deserves it.
I told him to remember me when he's rich and famous...
We both laughed
but I died a little inside.
I am so close to giving it all up - all the dreams and visions of a wonderful life. I've waited, and waiting now is too painful. I feel as if I must resign to a mundane quiet boring existence in order to keep myself alive. I can't reach for the stars anymore. I feel as if I have to let go of all those dreams because reality is here - slapping me in the face, kicking me in the head.
And it hurts so much. The man says he understands, but I know his dreams died a long time ago. I have an extra 20 years of hope I have to work off. It's not easy to let go of those things - the older you get, the stronger they become your lifeline - reason to live.
For you, it was to have a family, finish your film.
For me?
My dreams have become a trivial antidote to a sad and crumbling existence. And what I'm holding on to, as my body begins to withdraw and brain spirals into a free fall, I wonder how long I can last.
Those scars from my breakdown are becoming irritated again - as if to remind me, perhaps you'll be more successful this time, that slipping away won't be as painful, but will seem more like a kinder gentler option.
I am starting to crumble, and I have never felt so alone in decades. And it's freaking the fuck out of me.
I don't know what to do,
or
if I should do anything anymore...
You're the only one I can talk to, so please forgive me if I begin to be my dark self.
It's getting more difficult, every day.
going off the meds is something I'm getting 2nd thoughts about.
Each day gets a little less sunny, a little less full, a little darker, heavier.
My laugh lines around my mouth are getting deeper. I find that to be a completly cruel joke as I'm doing anything but smiling or laughing lately.
A smile upside-down.
My stomach is expanding - combination of bloating and blockage.
I look like I am 4 months pregnant - another irony.
Empty womb - empty space. I lack any kind of glow.
I am beginning to hate my body.
No, loathe is a better word.
Loathe all that is inside of me, all that I've lost over the years, and all the extra weight, skin, years that wait for me to stop running and finally stand still.
Empty
empty
I can't even carry myself
empty
empty
I got news from the dude in NYC - he got his big break. CEO of a new company. He's starting at 85 000. He's going to pick up his company car on Friday. A Mercedes. He's leaving to go to Peru Tuesday for two weeks, then off to Vegas and California - 2 weeks each in November
For business.
He was at the 2007 show last week. Another high profile event the week before.
I could not be happier for him.
He really honest to God deserves it.
I told him to remember me when he's rich and famous...
We both laughed
but I died a little inside.
I am so close to giving it all up - all the dreams and visions of a wonderful life. I've waited, and waiting now is too painful. I feel as if I must resign to a mundane quiet boring existence in order to keep myself alive. I can't reach for the stars anymore. I feel as if I have to let go of all those dreams because reality is here - slapping me in the face, kicking me in the head.
And it hurts so much. The man says he understands, but I know his dreams died a long time ago. I have an extra 20 years of hope I have to work off. It's not easy to let go of those things - the older you get, the stronger they become your lifeline - reason to live.
For you, it was to have a family, finish your film.
For me?
My dreams have become a trivial antidote to a sad and crumbling existence. And what I'm holding on to, as my body begins to withdraw and brain spirals into a free fall, I wonder how long I can last.
Those scars from my breakdown are becoming irritated again - as if to remind me, perhaps you'll be more successful this time, that slipping away won't be as painful, but will seem more like a kinder gentler option.
I am starting to crumble, and I have never felt so alone in decades. And it's freaking the fuck out of me.
I don't know what to do,
or
if I should do anything anymore...
Saturday, October 07, 2006
letter to a friend - Saturday night - October 7th, 2006
Ciao bella.
How are you doing?How is baby and pappy?
Did you get the cd? Likey da pictures? You must be swamped with people wanting to see baby, your parents coming from out of town, man's best friend conducting a pagan ceremony by the glow of the full moon.
I hope you are keeping rested.
I'm struggling.
Lots of struggling.
Working 9 to 5 in a really "officized" acedemic job is taking its toll on me. It's wearing away at my spirit and creativity.
I mourn the loss of my joy for photography and life in general.
My health is worsening. I've been blocked up for so long now. Tried everything. Going through withdrawal of the effexor, while going on two new meds for my IBS (stomach/bowel problems).
I hate this: one med traded in for another.
Fuck.
But I keep it inside, trying to stay afloat, looking at my mother and marvelling at her beauty, how strong she has become, and wonder if I would be as courageous as she if the tables were turned.
Going with E's parents 2mrw, then my mom's on Monday.
I sleep lots in between.
Every motion of a shutting eyelid brings dreams of plane crashes and dead people everywhere.
Terrifying dreams.
How are you doing?How is baby and pappy?
Did you get the cd? Likey da pictures? You must be swamped with people wanting to see baby, your parents coming from out of town, man's best friend conducting a pagan ceremony by the glow of the full moon.
I hope you are keeping rested.
I'm struggling.
Lots of struggling.
Working 9 to 5 in a really "officized" acedemic job is taking its toll on me. It's wearing away at my spirit and creativity.
I mourn the loss of my joy for photography and life in general.
My health is worsening. I've been blocked up for so long now. Tried everything. Going through withdrawal of the effexor, while going on two new meds for my IBS (stomach/bowel problems).
I hate this: one med traded in for another.
Fuck.
But I keep it inside, trying to stay afloat, looking at my mother and marvelling at her beauty, how strong she has become, and wonder if I would be as courageous as she if the tables were turned.
Going with E's parents 2mrw, then my mom's on Monday.
I sleep lots in between.
Every motion of a shutting eyelid brings dreams of plane crashes and dead people everywhere.
Terrifying dreams.
I watch myself watching jumbo jet engines passing within a hair of my bedroom window, and ask myself:
'what will be next?"
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Monday, October 02, 2006
Not a very good Monday...
I got back from the doctor not long ago.
He is really not happy about taking me off the effexor to try the prozac again. I spent about 20 minutes with him, trying to explain that what i'm feeling is not 'normal' and life in a shade/haze of greys is not "living"
"well, maybe, have you thought that perhaps, this is the way most people feel most of the time? That this might be their 'normal' ?"
I almost wrung his neck.
- "does your life consist of shades of grey - formless forms, bland and banal moments of existence?"
he paused without saying a word.
made that bastard think
"well, for me doc - this ain't living - not even existing. I'm a body living in a shell of a former me. I'm not even living, just there..."
he wil be taking me off the effexor - by the end of the month I'll be off.
I'm going to have horrible side effects - he warned me, and I know them all too well. It's not going to be pretty.
The shocks that run from the top of my head to the back of my brain - slicing a neuro bolt through my brain, the night sweats, tremors, nausea, hallunications, ringing in the ears, the fear, the paranoia.
According to Wyeth-Ayerst, the manufacturer of effexor and effexor xr, 35% of the Effexor patients experienced withdrawal symptoms ranging from a flu-like syndrome to insomnia, nausea, nervousness, and loss of energy.
Also, from the FDA medical products reporting program, the list of withdrawal symptoms from effexor include:
agitation, anorexia, anxiety, confusion, coordination impaired, diarrhea, dizziness, dry mouth, dysphoric mood, fasciculation, fatigue, headaches, hypomania, insomnia, nausea, nervousness, nightmares, sensory disturbances (including shock-like electrical sensations), somnolence, sweating, tremor, vertigo, and vomiting.
One more common effect not mentioned above is long term vision
I don't know how this is going to play out. I know what happened before med/mood wise - I know exactly what my body will do - but now accelerated. I am pretty worried.
This might be the crash and burn I was worried about.
But I have to do something.
Something is better than nothing - why stay on medication that has stopped working for me?
But then again, at what cost the change?
I am going to see the acupuncture guy - hope that his magic pins and needles will help. But I might have to take time off work -
might...
I know - 'take it when it comes.. deal with it when it happens" but I've been through this so many times before, I can't help but try to be prepared for what I know that 98% of what I forsee will happen will actually happen...
Oh boy.
That's not to mention the Abdominal ct scan that I'll need. Back to my gastroentorologist about my stomach and intestinal problems, the special blood tests/fasting for all those special things my GP is testing for, including cervical cancer...
oh boy.
Not a fun day for a monday...
He is really not happy about taking me off the effexor to try the prozac again. I spent about 20 minutes with him, trying to explain that what i'm feeling is not 'normal' and life in a shade/haze of greys is not "living"
"well, maybe, have you thought that perhaps, this is the way most people feel most of the time? That this might be their 'normal' ?"
I almost wrung his neck.
- "does your life consist of shades of grey - formless forms, bland and banal moments of existence?"
he paused without saying a word.
made that bastard think
"well, for me doc - this ain't living - not even existing. I'm a body living in a shell of a former me. I'm not even living, just there..."
he wil be taking me off the effexor - by the end of the month I'll be off.
I'm going to have horrible side effects - he warned me, and I know them all too well. It's not going to be pretty.
The shocks that run from the top of my head to the back of my brain - slicing a neuro bolt through my brain, the night sweats, tremors, nausea, hallunications, ringing in the ears, the fear, the paranoia.
According to Wyeth-Ayerst, the manufacturer of effexor and effexor xr, 35% of the Effexor patients experienced withdrawal symptoms ranging from a flu-like syndrome to insomnia, nausea, nervousness, and loss of energy.
Also, from the FDA medical products reporting program, the list of withdrawal symptoms from effexor include:
agitation, anorexia, anxiety, confusion, coordination impaired, diarrhea, dizziness, dry mouth, dysphoric mood, fasciculation, fatigue, headaches, hypomania, insomnia, nausea, nervousness, nightmares, sensory disturbances (including shock-like electrical sensations), somnolence, sweating, tremor, vertigo, and vomiting.
One more common effect not mentioned above is long term vision
I don't know how this is going to play out. I know what happened before med/mood wise - I know exactly what my body will do - but now accelerated. I am pretty worried.
This might be the crash and burn I was worried about.
But I have to do something.
Something is better than nothing - why stay on medication that has stopped working for me?
But then again, at what cost the change?
I am going to see the acupuncture guy - hope that his magic pins and needles will help. But I might have to take time off work -
might...
I know - 'take it when it comes.. deal with it when it happens" but I've been through this so many times before, I can't help but try to be prepared for what I know that 98% of what I forsee will happen will actually happen...
Oh boy.
That's not to mention the Abdominal ct scan that I'll need. Back to my gastroentorologist about my stomach and intestinal problems, the special blood tests/fasting for all those special things my GP is testing for, including cervical cancer...
oh boy.
Not a fun day for a monday...
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