“Oh soul,
you worry too much.
You have seen your own strength.
You have seen your own beauty.
You have seen your golden wings.
Of anything less,
why do you worry?
You are in truth
the soul, of the soul, of the soul.”
~ Jalal ad-Din Rumi ~
Saturday, June 07, 2008
in preparation for viewing art in new york city
.
.
.
.
.
.
it is wrong to assume that art needs a spectator in order to be.
the film runs on without any eyes.
the spectator cannot exist without it.
it ensures his existence.
Jim Morrison -
the lords and the new creatures.
So this girl who thinks too much is doing just that again - clawing her way up a slippery manic slope while being scraped down the side by the acid of logic and restraint.
Playing with my own blowtorch while putting on hairspray in a straw hut..
.
.
.
.
.
it is wrong to assume that art needs a spectator in order to be.
the film runs on without any eyes.
the spectator cannot exist without it.
it ensures his existence.
Jim Morrison -
the lords and the new creatures.
So this girl who thinks too much is doing just that again - clawing her way up a slippery manic slope while being scraped down the side by the acid of logic and restraint.
Playing with my own blowtorch while putting on hairspray in a straw hut..
Friday, June 06, 2008
coming home after my appointments, I decided to pull out the montreal's raggiest rag - the Mirror (which I try to avoid because they put way too much ink in their paper - I look like a coal miner after reading the first page) and low and behold, the first page that I opened was the actual page I was looking for.
what I read completely floored me.
Utterly, and seriously...
from Real Astrology
Since authoring the book Brazen Careerist: The New Rules for Success, Penelope Trunk has written a blog that offers further advice. Recently she wrote about a subject I'd love for you to think about: mentors. You're in a phase when you have a heightened knack for identifying and attracting and learning from the guides you need. Here's one of Trunk's most crucial points: To take maximum advantage of your teachers, ask them what questions you should be asking them. Don't assume you always know what you need to find out.
SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
At the heart of the pronoiac way of life is an apparent conundrum: You can have anything you want if you'll just ask for it in an unselfish way. The trick to making this work is to locate where your deepest ambition coincides with the greatest gift you have to give. Figure out how the universe, by providing you with abundance, can improve the lot of everyone whose life you touch. Seek the fulfillment of your fondest desires in such a way that you become a fount of blessings.
(You can read Trunk's post here.)
commencing countdown, engines on...
what I read completely floored me.
Utterly, and seriously...
from Real Astrology
Since authoring the book Brazen Careerist: The New Rules for Success, Penelope Trunk has written a blog that offers further advice. Recently she wrote about a subject I'd love for you to think about: mentors. You're in a phase when you have a heightened knack for identifying and attracting and learning from the guides you need. Here's one of Trunk's most crucial points: To take maximum advantage of your teachers, ask them what questions you should be asking them. Don't assume you always know what you need to find out.
SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
At the heart of the pronoiac way of life is an apparent conundrum: You can have anything you want if you'll just ask for it in an unselfish way. The trick to making this work is to locate where your deepest ambition coincides with the greatest gift you have to give. Figure out how the universe, by providing you with abundance, can improve the lot of everyone whose life you touch. Seek the fulfillment of your fondest desires in such a way that you become a fount of blessings.
(You can read Trunk's post here.)
commencing countdown, engines on...
:-0
my eyes are as wide as flying saucers.
1am and I'm still burning the past midnight oil.
I'm in the groove, the zone, the head space that makes artists euphoric -creative explosions, insights, visions.
delirium
Photoshopping the last batch of my photos to update on my site.
Did a whole new hallway self portrait series - some of which are rather dark and mysterious, but I think it's going to work.
but what really made my night was an email I received from a really well known NYC photographer.
Robert DeNiro doesn't let anybody else but Juni take portraits of him - he's that good.
he said something along the lines of - Self portraiture can be and is very difficult, but what I am trying to create, is something subtle and deeply erotic
he has a shoot that night and said that he can't wait to meet me afterward.
!!!!!
the closer that this day comes, the more excited I am becoming - telling a friend today that "what I will experience there will be life changing. Something big and wonderful is going to happen, the start of what, I don't know for sure...
ohh Lord.
Please don't let me jinx my own luck!
If shit works out the way I had told everybody it would a few months ago (now going to find that post) - I will begin to charge big bux deluxe for my psychic insight.
hmm, one link here
(but i know it's here somewhere...)
1am and I'm still burning the past midnight oil.
I'm in the groove, the zone, the head space that makes artists euphoric -creative explosions, insights, visions.
delirium
Photoshopping the last batch of my photos to update on my site.
Did a whole new hallway self portrait series - some of which are rather dark and mysterious, but I think it's going to work.
but what really made my night was an email I received from a really well known NYC photographer.
Robert DeNiro doesn't let anybody else but Juni take portraits of him - he's that good.
he said something along the lines of - Self portraiture can be and is very difficult, but what I am trying to create, is something subtle and deeply erotic
he has a shoot that night and said that he can't wait to meet me afterward.
!!!!!
the closer that this day comes, the more excited I am becoming - telling a friend today that "what I will experience there will be life changing. Something big and wonderful is going to happen, the start of what, I don't know for sure...
ohh Lord.
Please don't let me jinx my own luck!
If shit works out the way I had told everybody it would a few months ago (now going to find that post) - I will begin to charge big bux deluxe for my psychic insight.
hmm, one link here
(but i know it's here somewhere...)
Thursday, June 05, 2008
Baby, you're gonna be alright
leaving to new york in a few days - the mind races and I seek solace in the lyrics of an old friend...
SOMETIMES by Daniel Lanois
SOMETIMES by Daniel Lanois
Sometimes, sometimes
Sometimes I feel like I'm playin' on the radio
Sometimes I feel like I'm on a travelin' road show
Sometimes I got the power of the will and I know my song is gonna to be alright
Sometimes I feel like I'm playin' on the radio
Sometimes I feel like I'm on a travelin' road show
Sometimes I got the power of the will and I know my song is gonna to be alright
Sometimes I feel like I'm on a freight train
Forever rescued by the mystery rain
Sometimes I'm just out for a thrill, she always said 'Baby, you're gonna be alright'
Forever rescued by the mystery rain
Sometimes I'm just out for a thrill, she always said 'Baby, you're gonna be alright'
The sun gonna come shining down; push it all away, make it alright
Sometimes in the heart of a long, cold night
It's all too far out of sight, out of sight
Sometimes in the heart of a long, cold night
It's all too far out of sight, out of sight
Hard to know everything's going to be alright
Everyone thinks you got everything you want
Hard to have and then have not
Hard to have and then have not
Everyone thinks you got everything you want
Hard to have and then have not
Hard to have and then have not
Sometimes I wanna take a pill and hide
Sometimes I wanna shut down and ride
And go where no man should go
Go where no man should go
Go where no man should go
Go where no man should go
Could it be, ever really be, alright
Sometimes I wanna shut down and ride
And go where no man should go
Go where no man should go
Go where no man should go
Go where no man should go
Could it be, ever really be, alright
Instinct
I have been talking a lot about this thing called instinct lately.
It's strange how it just keeps on popping up in conversations, images, songs...
is it trying to tell me something?
Sometimes I need a hammer on my head to get the obvious things in life - I have a hard skull, so it takes a while for things to sink in.
(no pun intended in reference to this photo)
englishpianobloke - thank you for posting this and having me find it.
The moral of the story here is not to think twice:
just jump
do
feel
live
experience life to the fullest.
and yes I will - off the deep end with eyes and mind wide open!!
It's strange how it just keeps on popping up in conversations, images, songs...
is it trying to tell me something?
Sometimes I need a hammer on my head to get the obvious things in life - I have a hard skull, so it takes a while for things to sink in.
(no pun intended in reference to this photo)
englishpianobloke - thank you for posting this and having me find it.
The moral of the story here is not to think twice:
just jump
do
feel
live
experience life to the fullest.
and yes I will - off the deep end with eyes and mind wide open!!
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
Vroom vroom part 2
At the ungodly hour of 4am, I was still up. Sleep has skipped out of town on me once again.
The bags under my eyes are so large, that I can quite literally, shoplift a car from a parking lot and nobody would look twice...
9am - standing outside the driving school. Locked door and my instructor in a car with another student (that rat bastard! how could he!!)
but it was for the better cause he didn't have much of a sense of humor, and what he had was drier than the surface of mars.
so where does this leave me?
I came all the way here - on 3 hours of sleep on top of it all (oh yea, I'm alert. Wake me up when I have to break...) just to find out that I had to go back home without my morning spin.
A very thin looking older man approached me. Gaunt, but strong features which turned his deeply wrinkled skin into an interesting landscape.
In a deep french canadian slang that only people who have hung out or dated les francophones would understand asked: are you here for your lesson? Your instructor is already with someone. Do you know who you are with?
The blank look of distress and anguish in my face must have said it all.
"okay, I'm go to check..."
a few minutes later, cigarette already lit and in his mouth, motioned to me to follow him - "I'm your instructor"
A smoker sitting in a car with an ex smoker who now gets sick from the smell of smoke.
this is gonna be an interesting ride.
I warned him in advance that my french was not the best -and that I am at my most fluent when I am either extremely exhausted (zombie exhausted) or have had too much vino tinto to drink, so my present state of mind would probably yield some interesting broken phonetic and grammatical results.
"me too - my hinglish is not very nice sometimes. But if you hunderstand me what I say, that is good for me."
We both understood each other enough to get me out of the parking lot.
So far so good.
"do you mind if I smoke?" having already taken out the cigarette and placed it between his thin lips
"Only if I can open the window. Be glad that it's not winter because neither of us would be happy"
"Good you let me smoke because if I don't then you and I won't be happy either - we need to have smooth driving today."
and so we began to laugh - and laughed and chatted for the next two hours - and perhaps it was because I was spending more time concentrating on not collecting rear view mirrors as I drove up and down narrow side streets, I fell into kebecoise easily as if it were second nature. He tried his hand at english, and most of the time we settled on Franglais - half and half that only people from montreal can understand but we managed to keep the conversation going the whole time.
And I guess it speaks well of my driving that he didn't even see the time go by - "I had not to step on the brake even once today! Ah yoi! Dis is good!"
And it was good - I felt confident behind the wheel - trucks coming up next to me, driving past me in two way traffic - and parallel parking (which I aced on the first shot) all seemed so natural. And from what I've been told, is half the battle when it comes to driving for the first time.
"I will try to get to make you your instructor da next time. I had so much fun!"
"moi aussi".
He waved to me as I put on my trainwreck 6$ Paris Hilton knock off shades and walking back to the metro for my next appointment.
Doctor's office - what a write off that was.
She was 2 hours behind and the waiting room was FULL
the nurse said it would be a three hour wait - easy.
Well, i was not going to miss my acupuncture appointment for this so I headed right over to his locale.
I never thought that I would be so happy to see that many needles in my life, but after the crazy week I had, I needed to chill out -the ancient Chinese secret way.
The back went well - loads of spots on my back to tame the heart, the mind, the stomach, but it was when I turned over it all fell to pieces.
he was doing fine when he was in the general head area (I ask him to give me extra - I look like a red puffy pin cushion when he's done..) but then he hit the top of my right foot.
You almost had to scrape me off the ceiling!
I'm sure he hit a nerve because it was such a specific pain - deep inside the tendon -felt like somebody was simultaneously ripping out and stepping on the network of knitted veins that held my toes together.
He apologized and felt really bad because I had, up to that point, been in a state of bliss, but the pain would not go away but kept on getting worse! i could not move my toes!
Oh great, how the hell am I going to hobble home if I can't even put my shoes back on...
but the pain subsided with some more ancient Chinese secret balm, but I still had to hobble home slowly. No gym for me today. And as much as I want to push through the pain, a screaming banshee running loose on a treadmill is not a pretty sight.
Hopefully I will still have my foot attached when I wake up so I can have my regularly scheduled workout time and not have to wear awkward foot bandaging
The bags under my eyes are so large, that I can quite literally, shoplift a car from a parking lot and nobody would look twice...
9am - standing outside the driving school. Locked door and my instructor in a car with another student (that rat bastard! how could he!!)
but it was for the better cause he didn't have much of a sense of humor, and what he had was drier than the surface of mars.
so where does this leave me?
I came all the way here - on 3 hours of sleep on top of it all (oh yea, I'm alert. Wake me up when I have to break...) just to find out that I had to go back home without my morning spin.
A very thin looking older man approached me. Gaunt, but strong features which turned his deeply wrinkled skin into an interesting landscape.
In a deep french canadian slang that only people who have hung out or dated les francophones would understand asked: are you here for your lesson? Your instructor is already with someone. Do you know who you are with?
The blank look of distress and anguish in my face must have said it all.
"okay, I'm go to check..."
a few minutes later, cigarette already lit and in his mouth, motioned to me to follow him - "I'm your instructor"
A smoker sitting in a car with an ex smoker who now gets sick from the smell of smoke.
this is gonna be an interesting ride.
I warned him in advance that my french was not the best -and that I am at my most fluent when I am either extremely exhausted (zombie exhausted) or have had too much vino tinto to drink, so my present state of mind would probably yield some interesting broken phonetic and grammatical results.
"me too - my hinglish is not very nice sometimes. But if you hunderstand me what I say, that is good for me."
We both understood each other enough to get me out of the parking lot.
So far so good.
"do you mind if I smoke?" having already taken out the cigarette and placed it between his thin lips
"Only if I can open the window. Be glad that it's not winter because neither of us would be happy"
"Good you let me smoke because if I don't then you and I won't be happy either - we need to have smooth driving today."
and so we began to laugh - and laughed and chatted for the next two hours - and perhaps it was because I was spending more time concentrating on not collecting rear view mirrors as I drove up and down narrow side streets, I fell into kebecoise easily as if it were second nature. He tried his hand at english, and most of the time we settled on Franglais - half and half that only people from montreal can understand but we managed to keep the conversation going the whole time.
And I guess it speaks well of my driving that he didn't even see the time go by - "I had not to step on the brake even once today! Ah yoi! Dis is good!"
And it was good - I felt confident behind the wheel - trucks coming up next to me, driving past me in two way traffic - and parallel parking (which I aced on the first shot) all seemed so natural. And from what I've been told, is half the battle when it comes to driving for the first time.
"I will try to get to make you your instructor da next time. I had so much fun!"
"moi aussi".
He waved to me as I put on my trainwreck 6$ Paris Hilton knock off shades and walking back to the metro for my next appointment.
Doctor's office - what a write off that was.
She was 2 hours behind and the waiting room was FULL
the nurse said it would be a three hour wait - easy.
Well, i was not going to miss my acupuncture appointment for this so I headed right over to his locale.
I never thought that I would be so happy to see that many needles in my life, but after the crazy week I had, I needed to chill out -the ancient Chinese secret way.
The back went well - loads of spots on my back to tame the heart, the mind, the stomach, but it was when I turned over it all fell to pieces.
he was doing fine when he was in the general head area (I ask him to give me extra - I look like a red puffy pin cushion when he's done..) but then he hit the top of my right foot.
You almost had to scrape me off the ceiling!
I'm sure he hit a nerve because it was such a specific pain - deep inside the tendon -felt like somebody was simultaneously ripping out and stepping on the network of knitted veins that held my toes together.
He apologized and felt really bad because I had, up to that point, been in a state of bliss, but the pain would not go away but kept on getting worse! i could not move my toes!
Oh great, how the hell am I going to hobble home if I can't even put my shoes back on...
but the pain subsided with some more ancient Chinese secret balm, but I still had to hobble home slowly. No gym for me today. And as much as I want to push through the pain, a screaming banshee running loose on a treadmill is not a pretty sight.
Hopefully I will still have my foot attached when I wake up so I can have my regularly scheduled workout time and not have to wear awkward foot bandaging
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
the world is an open door, and slightly out of reach...
the world is an open door, and slightly out of reach...
Set up a situation that presents you with something slightly beyond your reach.
~ Brian Eno
I received news today that my frames reached their proper destination in New York unbroken and looking marvelous.
The reality is starting to set in.
Something that I had only dreamed about a few years ago is actually taking place.
I had set up this situation - this ideal situation (showing in a big well known gallery) which I believed to be out of reach, but eventually made it work for me.
I took bold steps, chances and gambles, and walked confidently into situations constructed by myself - eyes open, soul open and the universe has rewarded me.
On my birthday, I promised myself that it was imperative to seize more opportunities, take greater risks and trust in a greater force to be my guide - in the grand scheme of things, i would ultimately let life work through and with me.
So one week and one day to my New York trip, and life around me is slowly falling into place - one piece at a time.
one glorious miraculous piece at a time...
arrived
A huge sigh of relief
Just got the call - my frames arrived at the gallery safe and sound - in one piece.
A huge stress off of my mind.
sigh...
one week and one day to go before we hit the road in an old kit bag and smile, smile smile...
Just got the call - my frames arrived at the gallery safe and sound - in one piece.
A huge stress off of my mind.
sigh...
one week and one day to go before we hit the road in an old kit bag and smile, smile smile...
vroom vroom
had my first driving lesson today - didn't kill anything, didn't run into any parked or moving cars. All in all, it was not a bad experience. Two hours went by pretty fast, and my driving instructor is even tempered and kind. Exactly what I need...
I had to buy these cheapo gaudy Liz Taylor meets Paris Hilton sunglasses at a corner store, because when I left in the morning, it was drizzling and cloudy. My luck - had left the shades at home only to step out from the metro to a blazing hot sun.
So I looked like Liz Taylor/Paris Hilton fashion accident.
pretty funny, but it did the job - and for 7$ the shades were a steal.
next lesson 2mrw -another 2 hours followed by a doctor's rv, and then acupuncture, topped off with a gym visit.
Went today - felt like crap at first. Thought that I was going to pass out - needed a sugar fix. Got some glucose tabs which perked me up enough to get some basic cardio. Once the adrenaline was pumping, I got down to businesses - some serious weights.
And I always get such a kick out of being tiny and wiry and strong as hell.
I don't look like I can leg press 200 lbs, or bicep curl almost 20 lbs, but I can and do. I snicker to myself as i see all the eyes of the dudes watching me - not understanding how a tiny redhead can lift so much at one time and not break a sweat.
And when I really want to push myself, I hit the upstairs where in the back is a small free weight area and mirrors. There I can make all the grunting and scrunchy faces I want and nobody will see me.
Yea - I might be vain - so sue me.
No pain, no gain, but vain is sometimes a sane game.
exhaustion.
Getting silly and loopy.
No time for brain aerobics...
I had to buy these cheapo gaudy Liz Taylor meets Paris Hilton sunglasses at a corner store, because when I left in the morning, it was drizzling and cloudy. My luck - had left the shades at home only to step out from the metro to a blazing hot sun.
So I looked like Liz Taylor/Paris Hilton fashion accident.
pretty funny, but it did the job - and for 7$ the shades were a steal.
next lesson 2mrw -another 2 hours followed by a doctor's rv, and then acupuncture, topped off with a gym visit.
Went today - felt like crap at first. Thought that I was going to pass out - needed a sugar fix. Got some glucose tabs which perked me up enough to get some basic cardio. Once the adrenaline was pumping, I got down to businesses - some serious weights.
And I always get such a kick out of being tiny and wiry and strong as hell.
I don't look like I can leg press 200 lbs, or bicep curl almost 20 lbs, but I can and do. I snicker to myself as i see all the eyes of the dudes watching me - not understanding how a tiny redhead can lift so much at one time and not break a sweat.
And when I really want to push myself, I hit the upstairs where in the back is a small free weight area and mirrors. There I can make all the grunting and scrunchy faces I want and nobody will see me.
Yea - I might be vain - so sue me.
No pain, no gain, but vain is sometimes a sane game.
exhaustion.
Getting silly and loopy.
No time for brain aerobics...
Monday, June 02, 2008
lucky #5 - and things that grow out of shit part 2**
According to Elle UK -my #5 in the month of june sounds interesting...
You’re consumed with a burning passion this month. It’s time to take the fire of your heart seriously and move toward what you love with absolute abandonment. What are you waiting for? Haven’t you slaved away behind the scenes long enough? Taking any kind of bold action this month will revive you in an instant. Summer is about to peak, so there is no time to waste. Don’t miss the golden opportunities in your social arena. Put yourself out there; see and be seen and you’ll meet the right people. You’ve got to actively participate in life in order to bring your romantic or creative ideals to full fruition.
If anyone can create beautiful forms out of nothing, it’s you. **
Write a new script for your life by getting in touch with your most intense longings. Half-hearted measures must become a thing of the past. You’ve got much more love around you than you recognize. Get out there and seize the day.
You bet I will...
and some people say that # 7 is a lucky number...
You’re consumed with a burning passion this month. It’s time to take the fire of your heart seriously and move toward what you love with absolute abandonment. What are you waiting for? Haven’t you slaved away behind the scenes long enough? Taking any kind of bold action this month will revive you in an instant. Summer is about to peak, so there is no time to waste. Don’t miss the golden opportunities in your social arena. Put yourself out there; see and be seen and you’ll meet the right people. You’ve got to actively participate in life in order to bring your romantic or creative ideals to full fruition.
If anyone can create beautiful forms out of nothing, it’s you. **
Write a new script for your life by getting in touch with your most intense longings. Half-hearted measures must become a thing of the past. You’ve got much more love around you than you recognize. Get out there and seize the day.
You bet I will...
and some people say that # 7 is a lucky number...
canon muscle
canon muscle
Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty
It's been a long while since I decided to take some self p's - have not been inspired and too tired to do anything creative. Having a bag of wigs handy always seems to do the trick, as some much deserved and needed me alone time.
mucho mucho
I guess what prompted this shoot was the realization that I'm actually going to new york in two weeks - and my self portraits are going to be on display - up for a month to potentially hundreds and hundreds of people to see.
that blows my mind out to space and back.
So I thought I'd be true to myself again - return to my photographic roots and turn the camera on myself once again to see what I could come up with.
The rest of the shoot was not as successful as I hoped it would be, but it was a start - a re-start of sorts.
Have been going to the gym like a madwoman. if I miss a day, I feel clumsy and foggy. Despite the fact that I have been pushing myself past my normal threshold of pain, I don't want to skip any sessions.
Today, my legs were shaking and knees throbbing but I ran through the pain. I will be cursing tomorrow, but it's now become my mantra, the gym, my holy place where I cleanse the body as well as the mind...
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Mystery
well, the cause and origins of these floaters remain a mystery - even to a retina specialist...
Had an inital eye exam, then was off to have a angiogram of my eye. That was fun.
The secretary almost put me into a coma when she said: "and then they are going to inject a dye into your eye, I mean arm - hahahah - sorry about that!"
Not...
As I have said in the past - seen brain and spinal surgeries by the dozen, but anything to do with eyes? You might as well throw me off a building first cause there is no way I'm going to stay put for that!!
Had quite an allergic reaction to the dye - was not too pretty, almost passed out cold, could not move my muscles, had trouble breathing. I told the woman I was sensitive to things like that. She just ignored me. Hopefully I made her day like she made mine...
So from what little images they could capture before I collapsed, the doctor didn't see anything at all. "It's a mystery - there is nothing there..."
which is a good thing, but a bad thing.
if there is nothing there - what is causing the floaters!!!!!
So the question remains - do I stay on my mood stabilizers and hope these spots and strings don't cloud my vision completely, or do I venture into the land of the unknown, and take my chances with coming off this med and perhaps onto another?
The only drawback with going off the lamictal is that I could spiral into a deep state of darkness. I'm managing now - back up on my 125mg dose (from the 112 I was trying for a week until life crumbled to a million pieces) which gives me a little more pep and positive outlook - more than I had a few days ago.
I mean, c'mon. I'm going to new york because I'm part of a group photo show in a brilliant kick ass gallery which a curator who really believes in my work - how could I not be excited?!?!
Well, until a few days ago, I wasn't, and that scared me.
So I will take on the big apple, medicated and happy, floaters and all, and then, once back, will look at my options again. I can only take one day at a time at this point, and perhaps, that's a good thing...
Had an inital eye exam, then was off to have a angiogram of my eye. That was fun.
The secretary almost put me into a coma when she said: "and then they are going to inject a dye into your eye, I mean arm - hahahah - sorry about that!"
Not...
As I have said in the past - seen brain and spinal surgeries by the dozen, but anything to do with eyes? You might as well throw me off a building first cause there is no way I'm going to stay put for that!!
Had quite an allergic reaction to the dye - was not too pretty, almost passed out cold, could not move my muscles, had trouble breathing. I told the woman I was sensitive to things like that. She just ignored me. Hopefully I made her day like she made mine...
So from what little images they could capture before I collapsed, the doctor didn't see anything at all. "It's a mystery - there is nothing there..."
which is a good thing, but a bad thing.
if there is nothing there - what is causing the floaters!!!!!
So the question remains - do I stay on my mood stabilizers and hope these spots and strings don't cloud my vision completely, or do I venture into the land of the unknown, and take my chances with coming off this med and perhaps onto another?
The only drawback with going off the lamictal is that I could spiral into a deep state of darkness. I'm managing now - back up on my 125mg dose (from the 112 I was trying for a week until life crumbled to a million pieces) which gives me a little more pep and positive outlook - more than I had a few days ago.
I mean, c'mon. I'm going to new york because I'm part of a group photo show in a brilliant kick ass gallery which a curator who really believes in my work - how could I not be excited?!?!
Well, until a few days ago, I wasn't, and that scared me.
So I will take on the big apple, medicated and happy, floaters and all, and then, once back, will look at my options again. I can only take one day at a time at this point, and perhaps, that's a good thing...
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
doctor crisis
and to top things off from last night's post, I got a call today from my psychiatrist - he's leaving the province - going out west leaving me in the lurch - again.
I've been through 4 so far - one went on maternity leave, the other retired, the other just gave up on me, and the one before this went to another hospital.
now # 5.
Changing doctors is a big hassle - having to go over years of past history of medications and symptoms, their learning curve to how I respond to medications, and with my complicated life story and chemical sensitivity, it's a huge case load from one patient.
not to mention that if we don't see eye to eye about my next leg of treatment - that means grief for both of us because I know what I need, what I can't and can take. I am my own best advocate for better mental health. Having read up on almost all the medications out there, and having taken 95% of them already, who better to say what works and what doesn't?
but it's also the whole "investing time and effort, personal self exposure/vulnerabilities" once too many times, and to have to do it all over again - it's taxing on the mind and body.
Like I needed this to happen now...
don't feel like tempting fate by asking what's next, but it's in the back of my mind.
How hard it is to hope that tomorrow will be a better day when today and yesterday began to flood my hopes that things can actually get worse before they get better when they've gone past the worst case scenario...
I've been through 4 so far - one went on maternity leave, the other retired, the other just gave up on me, and the one before this went to another hospital.
now # 5.
Changing doctors is a big hassle - having to go over years of past history of medications and symptoms, their learning curve to how I respond to medications, and with my complicated life story and chemical sensitivity, it's a huge case load from one patient.
not to mention that if we don't see eye to eye about my next leg of treatment - that means grief for both of us because I know what I need, what I can't and can take. I am my own best advocate for better mental health. Having read up on almost all the medications out there, and having taken 95% of them already, who better to say what works and what doesn't?
but it's also the whole "investing time and effort, personal self exposure/vulnerabilities" once too many times, and to have to do it all over again - it's taxing on the mind and body.
Like I needed this to happen now...
don't feel like tempting fate by asking what's next, but it's in the back of my mind.
How hard it is to hope that tomorrow will be a better day when today and yesterday began to flood my hopes that things can actually get worse before they get better when they've gone past the worst case scenario...
Monday, May 26, 2008
When the light fails to come
I like to make it my personal policy to be honest with people - honest with my photography, honest with myself.
it seems that the past few months have taken more of a toll on me than I had expected or hoped. I find myself slipping into a darker abyss that is deeper than I had first imagined.
Since I had increased my mood stabilizers (in January - to help me cope with my mother's cancer returning) I have been gradually losing my eyesight. It started out with small transparent floaters (little clear spots, thread like lines) which have now become so bad that I can barely see clearly.
Imagine looking through a bug splattered windshield in the rain - that is what I see on a daily basis, and it's only getting worse.
My options so far are - get off the mood stabilizers and run the risk of falling into a deeper depression/severe manic episodes, or have my eyesight slowly degenerate and keep an even keel to my life.
It's ironic - just when things were starting to smooth out for me, life was begining to get somewhat balanced, I was slowly finding peace and happiness, I have to now decide: which vision will I chose to live without - a photographic one, or a one of a stable life/mood.
After seeing my ophthalmologist (who was puzzled by the condition), I'm going to see a retina specialist on Thursday who will then decide what the next step will be, but from what I've been told, this condition is irreversible, and if not taken care of, could progress into severe retinal toxicity which could eventually lead to blindness...
A photographer who slowly goes blind - oh the irony...
It's been a week since my incremental decrease in Lamictal - and I'm already feeling it.
Find myself weeping uncontrollably, the rage is begining to sir deep inside my belly. Unprovoked, I fall to pieces and shake uncontrollably at increasing intervals. And this despite the fact that I have been ever so diligent about going to the gym at least 3 up to 4 times a week
"Depression and anxiety - Exercises eases symptoms"
It's been a month and things are just getting worse - how can it be? It seems if I had been doing everything right?
Except decrease my mood stabilizers in the hopes of saving my eyesight.
But what do I do?
Trade apples for oranges?
I'm at such a loss - so confused.
and today, mom told me how scared she is that her next doctor's appointment will be the one with the fatal diagnosis - because if the cancer comes back, there is nothing they can do except remove more organs, more tissue, until it has taken up so much of her body, all she can do is succumb to the disease...
Now, I must give my eyes and mind a rest and hope that tomorrow will be brighter and clearer...
it seems that the past few months have taken more of a toll on me than I had expected or hoped. I find myself slipping into a darker abyss that is deeper than I had first imagined.
Since I had increased my mood stabilizers (in January - to help me cope with my mother's cancer returning) I have been gradually losing my eyesight. It started out with small transparent floaters (little clear spots, thread like lines) which have now become so bad that I can barely see clearly.
Imagine looking through a bug splattered windshield in the rain - that is what I see on a daily basis, and it's only getting worse.
My options so far are - get off the mood stabilizers and run the risk of falling into a deeper depression/severe manic episodes, or have my eyesight slowly degenerate and keep an even keel to my life.
It's ironic - just when things were starting to smooth out for me, life was begining to get somewhat balanced, I was slowly finding peace and happiness, I have to now decide: which vision will I chose to live without - a photographic one, or a one of a stable life/mood.
After seeing my ophthalmologist (who was puzzled by the condition), I'm going to see a retina specialist on Thursday who will then decide what the next step will be, but from what I've been told, this condition is irreversible, and if not taken care of, could progress into severe retinal toxicity which could eventually lead to blindness...
A photographer who slowly goes blind - oh the irony...
It's been a week since my incremental decrease in Lamictal - and I'm already feeling it.
Find myself weeping uncontrollably, the rage is begining to sir deep inside my belly. Unprovoked, I fall to pieces and shake uncontrollably at increasing intervals. And this despite the fact that I have been ever so diligent about going to the gym at least 3 up to 4 times a week
"Depression and anxiety - Exercises eases symptoms"
It's been a month and things are just getting worse - how can it be? It seems if I had been doing everything right?
Except decrease my mood stabilizers in the hopes of saving my eyesight.
But what do I do?
Trade apples for oranges?
I'm at such a loss - so confused.
and today, mom told me how scared she is that her next doctor's appointment will be the one with the fatal diagnosis - because if the cancer comes back, there is nothing they can do except remove more organs, more tissue, until it has taken up so much of her body, all she can do is succumb to the disease...
Now, I must give my eyes and mind a rest and hope that tomorrow will be brighter and clearer...
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Letter from a good friend at the other end of the world
This is a letter from a friend who is in Asia right now. Far away from home, he has lost may things close to him, but keeps on moving forward with such grace and beauty which completely mesmerizes and inspires me.
I wrote him about my upcoming eye doctor appointment (he also had one nasty story of an eye operation that almost made me pass out cold after reading about it) about the death of his mother last year, and how leaving a city which he once called home, to uproot memories and emotions can be both a painful and liberating experience.
This was his reply.
Thank you B - thank you for understanding and letting me understand you too.
jeez, tears in my eyes and heart. you get it, and then some. thank you so much for taking the time to share all of this. so felt and appreciated. and i really hope the appointment with the doctor goes well. keep me posted on that.
as far as mom goes... that one hurts like no other. something i thought about yesterday while walking though, is that it's important we don't go into some sort of depressive inner retreat when dealing with such matters... and thus become a little more closed off.
these things are already hard enough ... like trying to grow flowers from a soil made of concrete. no sense in making the equation any more difficult to piece together and decipher.
the focus should be on the flowers before you, with no attention paid to how long they'll last. immerse yourself in the goodness of them now, and then remain a dominion for more to grow from later.
it's all we can do. be strong. i know you have it within you to do nothing but this.
b
I wrote him about my upcoming eye doctor appointment (he also had one nasty story of an eye operation that almost made me pass out cold after reading about it) about the death of his mother last year, and how leaving a city which he once called home, to uproot memories and emotions can be both a painful and liberating experience.
This was his reply.
Thank you B - thank you for understanding and letting me understand you too.
jeez, tears in my eyes and heart. you get it, and then some. thank you so much for taking the time to share all of this. so felt and appreciated. and i really hope the appointment with the doctor goes well. keep me posted on that.
as far as mom goes... that one hurts like no other. something i thought about yesterday while walking though, is that it's important we don't go into some sort of depressive inner retreat when dealing with such matters... and thus become a little more closed off.
these things are already hard enough ... like trying to grow flowers from a soil made of concrete. no sense in making the equation any more difficult to piece together and decipher.
the focus should be on the flowers before you, with no attention paid to how long they'll last. immerse yourself in the goodness of them now, and then remain a dominion for more to grow from later.
it's all we can do. be strong. i know you have it within you to do nothing but this.
b
Saturday, May 24, 2008
photosensitive.com
Here she is! My mom over on the far right side of the frame!
I could not be in Toronto for the opening so Lù_
took this great shot for me (thanks Lù_!!) and after going on the site, I see that my mom is there again - on the contact page.
And you can actually see her photo via the main page - look for "mothers" and scroll a few pages over.
What an amazing project this was to be a part of - and to see so many others whose lives were touched by the disease is quite humbling. I know she will be so happy when I show her this photo.
She has new scars now from her latest surgery - a geography of pain and healing, a bodyscape of disease and survival. Those will be for our next project
Monday, May 19, 2008
dancing with the stars
I truly have hope that you never have to go through any more bad stuff because the astrological stars say that you are near them this year
this was from a good friend who knows his stars
I know some of you might say: "That's all bs, and that you can control your own fate/destiny", but there is only so much you can actually control, the rest you have to work around and make due with what you have/get.
But with all that said - any hint that more shit my be flying by way express freaks me out.
I think worst case scenario - mom's cancer comes back aggressively, giving her a few months to live, same with my father, my 85 year old grandmother also goes quickly, I'm flat broke and have to sell all that I own just to make ends meet, my love life falls apart and both of my cats die (and keep in mind - worst case scenario - all of this takes place in a span of less than 6 months), and I end up losing my mind and end up in a mental hospital (actually, that would not seem so bad - a break and escape from all these horrible things...)
sure, I can look at all of these worst case scenarios and say either:
a) lets go and hide in the fallout shelter and bring lots of water
or
b) piss off!
but on today's cold fall-like day, worst case scenario seems like best case scenario, while the world quickly spins before my floater speckled eyes...
this was from a good friend who knows his stars
I know some of you might say: "That's all bs, and that you can control your own fate/destiny", but there is only so much you can actually control, the rest you have to work around and make due with what you have/get.
But with all that said - any hint that more shit my be flying by way express freaks me out.
I think worst case scenario - mom's cancer comes back aggressively, giving her a few months to live, same with my father, my 85 year old grandmother also goes quickly, I'm flat broke and have to sell all that I own just to make ends meet, my love life falls apart and both of my cats die (and keep in mind - worst case scenario - all of this takes place in a span of less than 6 months), and I end up losing my mind and end up in a mental hospital (actually, that would not seem so bad - a break and escape from all these horrible things...)
sure, I can look at all of these worst case scenarios and say either:
a) lets go and hide in the fallout shelter and bring lots of water
or
b) piss off!
but on today's cold fall-like day, worst case scenario seems like best case scenario, while the world quickly spins before my floater speckled eyes...
Saturday, May 17, 2008
marketing
I went to drop off my frames yesterday - picked up the prints, five of them, for the show in New York in June. As we laid them out on the table, a woman who was having her own pieces framed looked over to us. Judy glanced over and took a peek at my work.
"oh K, those are simply stunning!'
The woman's curiosity got the best of her. She walked over to have a peek.
"she's a photographer you know..."
And as this stranger stood behind my shoulder, I began to shrink and blush. Somebody was looking at my photos with a critical eye. Obviously knowledgeable about art, her opinion was something that made me curious, yet at the same time, apprehensive.
"those are really beautiful. Very beautiful..."
Her eyes fixed on the ethereal bathroom shots of a dancing body.
"would you like to see the rest?"
And as I fanned out the rest of the 4 photos, the 5 year old in me began to blush and fidget nervously. What would she say if she saw the rest of them? Would she flip if she knew they were me? And where do I get off taking these photos of myself and call them art?
"that's me. These are all self-portraits."
And like the opening of a flower, each image delicately unfolded and exposed a little piece of my soul. Each image my personal journey translated through pixels.
transfixed (I'm not exaggerating here...) she nodded and paused.
"wow - these are really spectacular."
And looking at me - (well, she was about a foot and a half taller than me, or had I began to slouch?) said: "Thank you. These are really wonderful."
My face turned beet red, and quickly turned to the young lady with the 50 shades of white mats in her hands.
Like a kid caught with their hand in the candy jar, I felt guilty for showing my art, guilty for having somebody like it so much that, had I prompted with a few words like: "they are for sale you know..." could have landed me a few hundred dollars in my pocket. I felt guilty for entertaining the possibility of making a buck off my art.
And as she left, I heard her say goodbye to J, and then a separate salutation to me - the artist.
Kicking myself several times, I knew that my first instinct should have been to whip out my business card and a follow up question/confirmation that she was in fact, interested in buying my art; but that moment had passed, and running down the street after her just would have looked psychotic. But I did tell the girl to pass along my card to her, just in case she was really interested.
Getting into mom's car (who had been waiting patiently for almost 45 minutes), I sighed deeply.
"Guess what. I think I was about to sell some of my unframed photos, but I chickened out."
"You have to get used to the fact that people might want to buy your art. Think like a marketing person. Don't be afraid to sell!"
and that moment rung true - flashed of some of the photographers I know, who brazenly prostitute their work, despite it being total shit (from a technical point of view) to anybody who has a pulse, and manage to end up in magazines, with book deals and in high profile galleries while I carefully and possessively protect my work - afraid to let it out to explore the "big world" for fear of being judged harshly, or falling and skinning its knees. My art should have wings, and my whole being as an artist is to touch lives, not to make a buck, but hell, if it happens, that's a bonus.
No, it's not a bonus, it's a necessity at this point.
With no job or prospects on the horizon, I need to make my photography work for me. Lots of blood and sweat have gone into each image, and having fallen into debt for more than 30 grand from a cinema and a photography degree, I have earned the right to market my work for maximum profit - and knock on wood - having sold three pieces in the past six months, I think it's finally starting to happen.
And with another New York show under my belt (I think it's coming up on the 5th or 6th), it's hight time I toot my own horn and show the world what I've got.
Amen to that!
Friday, May 09, 2008
I am wilma flintstone...
Letter to a friend about my experience with the eye doctor yesterday
I was gonna call you after my eye doctor's last night - but I was in bad shape. He gave me some drops to dilate my pupils and it f-d me up big time. I could not see 2 feet in front of me -
had to call e to pick me up at the hospital - my pupils were as big as frying pans - I swear - with the red hair, I looked like Wilma Flintstone.
Seriously - no joke. E looks like Fred, and me beside him...?
I was waiting to step into his car with the cement wheels...
So I was thinking that these acid eye drops would only last 30 minutes tops. I almost flipped when the doc
told me up to 4 hours!!!
So aside from age - he said stress could be a possibility - but what worried him more was the fact
that I've been on plaquenil for 10 years. "retina Toxicity is a possibility with plaquenil - the effects are cumulative - so I'm sending you to see a retina specialist"
Yum. More eye poking around.
Nothing freaks me out more than eyeballs.
For the sake of F&*K, I've taken pictures of brain and spinal surgeries, and that was a walk in the park when it comes to eyes.
I go beyond the heebeegeebees - I feel ill and have freaky out of body experiences that are not pleasant.
after the doctor finished burning my pupil with these lights that ended up making me stars until this morning, I'm dreading what this RETINA doctor is going to do....
I guess I can always go trick or treating early as a member of the modern stone aged family...
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