I'm skipping a bit ahead in my photo joural, but this is an important part of the puzzle, the key to this whole story, so I thought I should post this and how that day became an important turning point in my trip.
****
So there I was, in a new city that I had waited years to visit, my maiden voyage to this new land, on a mission of self-discovery, to meet new people and to plant the seeds for what I still hope will be part of my future.
Walking to the base of the Brooklyn Bridge, I saw this sculpture, and that's when it all fell into place...
ErosLefar said it best : "It's only when we are souls and body is broken does the real 'us' shine through."
I almost wept when he said this because there was so much truth to it, so much of that truth was mine.
And there I was, on the other side of a Bridge, a new place, with new ideas and friends, and bold new adventures waiting for me. My old shell of the old me had begun to crack, and inside shone a bright light - a new and strong beacon, an energy that I had long considered to be completly extinguished was radiating again. That's when my trip turned into a personal journey and mission - to find and bring out the HPK that has been hidden for so long.
I stood there, completly mesmerized, trying to comprehend the unbeleivable sequence of events that had lead me there, and just how much I was she - this lone woman, finding inner peace on her own little island, amidst the bright lights of the big city - being reborn.
It was only later on that night when I realized the kind of photos I had captured - the meaning behind the framing, juxtaposition, the angles I chose spoke more about me, where I was and where I wanted to go than I realized.
Dusk, and ending of a day, the light inside, begining of a new one.
The sun is always there, the light and darkness just come in cycles.
the sun is always there...
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Saturday, October 29, 2005
R&R
Still need some rest.
GAWD ! I am so tired.
See some of my stuff here
(http://www.flickr.com/photos/hellophotokitty
Have so many stories to tell it's not even funny!!
Will start soon though - gotta keep the memories fresh!!
GAWD ! I am so tired.
See some of my stuff here
(http://www.flickr.com/photos/hellophotokitty
Have so many stories to tell it's not even funny!!
Will start soon though - gotta keep the memories fresh!!
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
It's Christmas time!!!
This guy kills me - every time!Coming back from NYC - still on a high but exhausted!!!
I just thought this was too funny in the light of my trip - lol!!
Wednesday, 26th October 2005
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
It isn't Christmas yet. If you go to the shops, though, you could be forgiven for thinking that it must be due any day now. All the trimmings are up for sale. Be inspired by this. Christmas doesn't come every day, but it does come eventually and, when it does, it is (usually) worth waiting for. Other times of opportunity also come and go. Right now, you have a rare chance to do something that isn't normally possible. Don't assume that, just because the time hasn't been right in the past, it isn't right now.
Hmm, is the world really my oyster?!!
Me and Victor by the maestro - Delares!
OMG!
I had the most AMAZING time of my life in NYC!! So many stories to tell, so many strange and beauitful coincidences that made so much sense, and oh! The wonderful friends I had made!! One of the most memorable 10 days of my life so far!!!
I had the most AMAZING time of my life in NYC!! So many stories to tell, so many strange and beauitful coincidences that made so much sense, and oh! The wonderful friends I had made!! One of the most memorable 10 days of my life so far!!!
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
OMGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!
NYC here I come!!
This time tomorrow , I will be on a buss, past Albany on my way to the big apple!
I am so pumped!
it's 3:15am and I must go to SLEEP!!!
I will try to write as much as I can, but internet will be expensive down there!!!
oxoxoxoo
:-D
This time tomorrow , I will be on a buss, past Albany on my way to the big apple!
I am so pumped!
it's 3:15am and I must go to SLEEP!!!
I will try to write as much as I can, but internet will be expensive down there!!!
oxoxoxoo
:-D
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Man's search for meaning in the stretchy fabric of time...
If we crave some cosmic purpose, then let us find ourselves a worthy goal"
-- Dr. Carl Sagan
I once read a book by Victor Frankl called Man's Search for Meaning - the really 'cliff notes for dummies' version of it goes something like this:
a man gets stuck in a concentration camp, he sees family and friends kidnapped and killed for no reason. Death is as constant as the sun's rays. While looking at this as a hopeless situation, he realizes that every man has the capacity in him to be able to adapt to any situation and survive, have a will to live by just thinking and believing these thoughts, through which a whole new existence emerges. Quoting Frankl who quotes Nietzsche - 'He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how.'
I have been looking forward to this journey to NYC for a long time. Many years in fact. I am both nervous and excited. I also know that this trip will be a leap of faith in many ways - and I will be asked to take a leap as well. I can feel it in my bones.
I returned to one of my favorite books by Andrei Tarkovsky - Sculpting in Time. I happened to stumble upon this site through a link from Tarkovsky's links page. For those of you who don't know who he is, he is the greatest modern Russian director of all time. When I first saw his film the Mirror, it changed my life. Cinema was no longer images of people talking and walking through a formulaic plot, Tarkovsky's cinema was art in its purest form. I can go on for pages, gushing about how I love his films, how he has influenced me in my films, photos and writing, but I will just give you a link and discover about him yourselves; you wont be sorry you did.
Tarkovsky was a firm believer that creativity - the true essence of the word, was something that is inherent in all of us, but some are just more receptive to this gift, and some know how to use it, but must learn to use it well.
Now perhaps it might seem that I am being really presumptuous to say this, but ever since I was a kid, I felt something stirring inside of me - a sense of purpose. It was not until I went to college did I realize that I was skilled in telling stories both through the written word and images. I once joked to a friend and said: you know, I think I am here on this earth for a reason. I feel like I have some sort of great purpose that is driving me, but I am not sure how to go about it. I feel full with this sense of wonder and magnificence. Maybe I am destined to be great, but it is a selfless greatness. She smiled and said I know you are, it shows...
I am wondering if she saw, back then, that I would now be heading on the path that I want to take, building the road to be able to travel on where I can spread my vision to others. There is nothing I would want more than to be able to just make movies - not your ordinary Hollywood fare, no Titanics, no Aliens, but movies that move, touch and haunt you long after the credits disappear. That is how I felt after I read Sculpting in Time.
aeons ago, I received another book from my bfriend as a gift. It was being mailed from Italy and was to be delayed indefinitely. But low and behold, it showed up the same day - my birthday. I was so moved by this beautiful sentiment - Luce Istantanea (Spontaneous Illumination) - a book of polaroids and poems by Tarkovsky in Italian (back when I was able to speak it) I ripped open the packaging, opened the first page, and there was a coincidence that completely moved me to tears. The book was an ode to a friend - a fond farewell. Inside - a dedication:
The winged figure of an angel comes to rest, luminous in the surrounding darkness, like a visible presence of heaven on earth: a presence hidden by a veil, a presence that cannot be described except by the gestured showing another invisible presence to our watching gaze. On the set of the film Mirror, Andrei Tarkovsky put himself in a shot lying in a hospital bed, holding a tiny bird in his right hand. And this is what happened to him at the end of his life: in his sickroom in Paris, the room where he died, a little bird would fly every morning through the open window and come to light on him.
That book came in the mail on April 4th - my 30th birthday.
Andrei Tarkovsky was born on April 4, 1932.
I was born April 4,th 1968.
It was during the last year of his life when he managed to finish the book Sculpting in Time.
He died in exile in Paris on December 29, 1986.
It was that a few days before New Year's eve - 1986 that I remember nights of extreme panic, suffocating fear, hopeless desperation and catastrophic impending doom. And during those few days before January 1st,1987 , I went to my first of so many visits to the hospital, so many nights and days lost in a world of catatonic confusion before I was diagnosed as manic-depressive.
Well, you may have read in this blog and come to know me as someone who is a big lover of synchronous moments. In my defense I say this:
We are all made of molecules and atoms which are sensitive to vibrations because energy is in constant motion. There is a gravitational pull on this planet which keeps the earth from whirling out into space.
There is order.
We are alive.
But sometimes, somewhere, there is a star that dies - implode in on itself and disappears; and sometimes there is another star in the process of being born. Perhaps, just maybe, on a subatomic level, we can feel that distant explosion, and that gravitational push or pull might just tug ever so slightly at the fabric of time so synchronous moments can occur. I know it's a quasi romantic Carl Sagan* - esque type of theory, but there are some things in the universe that just can't be explained, that baffle even the most intelligent physicists in the world, some thing just happen - we watch and marvel at the wonder of it all.
Having written my first cryptic word at the age of 2, I would find out only 33 years later that this word - "okhtohie' meant 'purpose' in Japanese. Having veered off in several different directions throughout my life, I believe that my existence here is for a 'purpose' - to write and share my outrageous yet true stories with the masses (along with adding some biting commentary for comic relief, and pretty visuals for cerebral stimulation). I am am imagination specialist and do other Joe jobs to make a living and hopefully have enough money one day to actually do what I really love for the rest of my silly Sienfeldesque life.
Funny thing, time - when I come back from New York city, this blog will be just shy of 5 days of the date one year ago when I started it.
*(cue the funky space music and put Carl in front of a screen of lots of stars, some universe CGI..)
"And there have been a beellionz stars that have come through her path - stars in various states of birth and death, and with each came a discovery - a begining to some, and end to others, and oh how brightly the heavens have shone. Well, time is a stretchy lycra-like fabric onto itself, and once stretched to its limit, it has a built in memory, and returns to its perfect state. And so this next 365 days will be filled with beellionz and beellionz of more stars and planets. Oh what a delightful celestial show we have to look forward to, it's a terrifically exciting thing..."
"The suppression of uncomfortable ideas may be common in religion or in politics, but it is not the path to knowledge, and there's no place for it in the endeavor of science. We do not know beforehand where fundamental insights will arise from about our mysterious and lovely solar system. The history of our study of our solar system shows us clearly that accepted and conventional ideas are often wrong, and that fundamental insights can arise from the most unexpected sources."
-- Carl Sagan.
-- Dr. Carl Sagan
I once read a book by Victor Frankl called Man's Search for Meaning - the really 'cliff notes for dummies' version of it goes something like this:
a man gets stuck in a concentration camp, he sees family and friends kidnapped and killed for no reason. Death is as constant as the sun's rays. While looking at this as a hopeless situation, he realizes that every man has the capacity in him to be able to adapt to any situation and survive, have a will to live by just thinking and believing these thoughts, through which a whole new existence emerges. Quoting Frankl who quotes Nietzsche - 'He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how.'
I have been looking forward to this journey to NYC for a long time. Many years in fact. I am both nervous and excited. I also know that this trip will be a leap of faith in many ways - and I will be asked to take a leap as well. I can feel it in my bones.
I returned to one of my favorite books by Andrei Tarkovsky - Sculpting in Time. I happened to stumble upon this site through a link from Tarkovsky's links page. For those of you who don't know who he is, he is the greatest modern Russian director of all time. When I first saw his film the Mirror, it changed my life. Cinema was no longer images of people talking and walking through a formulaic plot, Tarkovsky's cinema was art in its purest form. I can go on for pages, gushing about how I love his films, how he has influenced me in my films, photos and writing, but I will just give you a link and discover about him yourselves; you wont be sorry you did.
Tarkovsky was a firm believer that creativity - the true essence of the word, was something that is inherent in all of us, but some are just more receptive to this gift, and some know how to use it, but must learn to use it well.
Now perhaps it might seem that I am being really presumptuous to say this, but ever since I was a kid, I felt something stirring inside of me - a sense of purpose. It was not until I went to college did I realize that I was skilled in telling stories both through the written word and images. I once joked to a friend and said: you know, I think I am here on this earth for a reason. I feel like I have some sort of great purpose that is driving me, but I am not sure how to go about it. I feel full with this sense of wonder and magnificence. Maybe I am destined to be great, but it is a selfless greatness. She smiled and said I know you are, it shows...
I am wondering if she saw, back then, that I would now be heading on the path that I want to take, building the road to be able to travel on where I can spread my vision to others. There is nothing I would want more than to be able to just make movies - not your ordinary Hollywood fare, no Titanics, no Aliens, but movies that move, touch and haunt you long after the credits disappear. That is how I felt after I read Sculpting in Time.
aeons ago, I received another book from my bfriend as a gift. It was being mailed from Italy and was to be delayed indefinitely. But low and behold, it showed up the same day - my birthday. I was so moved by this beautiful sentiment - Luce Istantanea (Spontaneous Illumination) - a book of polaroids and poems by Tarkovsky in Italian (back when I was able to speak it) I ripped open the packaging, opened the first page, and there was a coincidence that completely moved me to tears. The book was an ode to a friend - a fond farewell. Inside - a dedication:
The winged figure of an angel comes to rest, luminous in the surrounding darkness, like a visible presence of heaven on earth: a presence hidden by a veil, a presence that cannot be described except by the gestured showing another invisible presence to our watching gaze. On the set of the film Mirror, Andrei Tarkovsky put himself in a shot lying in a hospital bed, holding a tiny bird in his right hand. And this is what happened to him at the end of his life: in his sickroom in Paris, the room where he died, a little bird would fly every morning through the open window and come to light on him.
That book came in the mail on April 4th - my 30th birthday.
Andrei Tarkovsky was born on April 4, 1932.
I was born April 4,th 1968.
It was during the last year of his life when he managed to finish the book Sculpting in Time.
He died in exile in Paris on December 29, 1986.
It was that a few days before New Year's eve - 1986 that I remember nights of extreme panic, suffocating fear, hopeless desperation and catastrophic impending doom. And during those few days before January 1st,1987 , I went to my first of so many visits to the hospital, so many nights and days lost in a world of catatonic confusion before I was diagnosed as manic-depressive.
Well, you may have read in this blog and come to know me as someone who is a big lover of synchronous moments. In my defense I say this:
We are all made of molecules and atoms which are sensitive to vibrations because energy is in constant motion. There is a gravitational pull on this planet which keeps the earth from whirling out into space.
There is order.
We are alive.
But sometimes, somewhere, there is a star that dies - implode in on itself and disappears; and sometimes there is another star in the process of being born. Perhaps, just maybe, on a subatomic level, we can feel that distant explosion, and that gravitational push or pull might just tug ever so slightly at the fabric of time so synchronous moments can occur. I know it's a quasi romantic Carl Sagan* - esque type of theory, but there are some things in the universe that just can't be explained, that baffle even the most intelligent physicists in the world, some thing just happen - we watch and marvel at the wonder of it all.
Having written my first cryptic word at the age of 2, I would find out only 33 years later that this word - "okhtohie' meant 'purpose' in Japanese. Having veered off in several different directions throughout my life, I believe that my existence here is for a 'purpose' - to write and share my outrageous yet true stories with the masses (along with adding some biting commentary for comic relief, and pretty visuals for cerebral stimulation). I am am imagination specialist and do other Joe jobs to make a living and hopefully have enough money one day to actually do what I really love for the rest of my silly Sienfeldesque life.
Funny thing, time - when I come back from New York city, this blog will be just shy of 5 days of the date one year ago when I started it.
*(cue the funky space music and put Carl in front of a screen of lots of stars, some universe CGI..)
"And there have been a beellionz stars that have come through her path - stars in various states of birth and death, and with each came a discovery - a begining to some, and end to others, and oh how brightly the heavens have shone. Well, time is a stretchy lycra-like fabric onto itself, and once stretched to its limit, it has a built in memory, and returns to its perfect state. And so this next 365 days will be filled with beellionz and beellionz of more stars and planets. Oh what a delightful celestial show we have to look forward to, it's a terrifically exciting thing..."
"The suppression of uncomfortable ideas may be common in religion or in politics, but it is not the path to knowledge, and there's no place for it in the endeavor of science. We do not know beforehand where fundamental insights will arise from about our mysterious and lovely solar system. The history of our study of our solar system shows us clearly that accepted and conventional ideas are often wrong, and that fundamental insights can arise from the most unexpected sources."
-- Carl Sagan.
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Today's post is brought to you buy the letter A
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As I lean on the letter A on the keyboard, I make the same sound.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
and then to punctuate the end, I add a big H!
In less than a week and I am going to NYC
For the very first time in my whole entire life!
I am so pumped, freaked out, overjoyed, elated euphoric, dizzy, excited, bemused, shaken, awe-struck, bewildered, distracted, anxious, beside myself, frantic, thrilled, apprehensive...
A whole Molotov cocktail of emotions that blew up last night.
My camera is in the shop (and to my horror perhaps 'wont be back till Christmas...") which would mean that I would have to run through the streets, naked, to the visual and censorial Mecca of America without my magic eyes. I almost weep. (well, in fact, I did weep) To rent one down there would cost me 350$, so at that price, why not just put that towards a new one?
Well, I was not planning to do that so soon - was waiting for some cash and a few more jobs to come in before taking plunge, but throughout my vigilante comparison shopping hunt, I find out that the Canon 20D with a lens, 2Gig card, a battery, and a spectacular 3 year warranty would cost me less than $2000 Canadian!! I was asked to pay $1500 plus tax for a used one!! (and an added $350 in tax my dears). I was so relieved. Now, I must be able to get to B&H before they close Friday the 14th before 2pm because the rest of the month is Sukkoth (high Jewish holiday) and if I didn't get there in time, that would make me angry. Very angry...
Last night into the morning, bleary eyed and weak, I looked for places to stay. It's crazy how expensive some hotels were, and I wasn't up to staying in a Hostel with 6 other people because I want this trip to be a personal journey of sorts - find my spiritual center, take HPK around a city that never sleeps, and then - take the leap of faith into the seeds of a new life, knowing that somehow the net will appear
because it always does...
I know I will come back with stars in my eyes and feel renewed creativeky, which is what I need right now. (did I mention that my photos were going to be part of a Flickr exposition down there??) I will meet people who will become very influential in my life, who will put me in touch with other people. I have a feeling that some people will see the rawness in my art, admire me for bearing my soul, and take me under their wing. If that does not happen of its own record, I will make damm sure that I will put the wheels into motion so that it does happen!
Speaking of knowing...
My cousin from out west was here about a month ago. She seems happy with her new husband in their wedded domestic financially secure bliss. One day a few months ago (I am thinking it must have been in June/July) I got a sudden flash that my cousin was pregnant. It was the strangest thing - just like that bloop! Into my mind like a water filled balloon. I questioned myself as to where that strange insight came, but after years of things like this happening to me, I don't try anymore. I think that I am gifted with a heightened sense of perception, can perhaps tune into other people's energy wavelengths easier than most, but as I said before, it's not the first time it happened.
I let the thoughts pass - another random mind hic-up, and went about my merry way (probably, stressing - as usual...)
Today, my mom calls me - and before I even got a chance to lift the receiver to my ear she said:Did you hear the big news? Your cousin is pregnant!!
It was an AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! Moment. I knew it!! I knew it !!
Perplexed, she asked: oh, she told you already?
She also knows that I have that proclivity for sensing the 'unusual and unseen'.
Turns out that my timing was correct. She said she was two months, but mentioned that she was due in April (LOL! She is going to have her hands full with an Aries child!! LOL). So I am going to be an Auntie. Not that I will see my niece often, but I just throughout it was cool.
now where was I?
Oh yea, knowing and doing...
The last time I took a solo trip was to Cuba in 2003. Now that was a life changer and I am so glad I went solo - spending time by yourself is such a beautiful thing! I have always felt that way - loved living on my own, but traveling was the next big step.
I laughed with a friend of mine the other day
HPK - you are going to LOVE NEW YORK! You will never want to come back!
I think that my head is going to explode the moment I get off the buss.
The visual that accompanied those words was enough to make us snort like two sows in a rainstorm.
I can just see you, with your curly red hair - and then BOOM! All over the place.
I had to admit, it would have been kind of funny, but I think I'll just get off the buss and walk around with my jaw dragging on the floor behind me. I think I will be so stunned, I will be able to carry my luggage inside of my mouth...
So the place looks quaint: The Virginia Guest house.
All I can say is as long as there are no bed bugs, I am a happy camper.
So the thought of sinking $2000 into a camera is making me nervous.
But I will unwind in front of the TV tonight and watch some Law and Order and leave the stress behind for a little while...
As I lean on the letter A on the keyboard, I make the same sound.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
and then to punctuate the end, I add a big H!
In less than a week and I am going to NYC
For the very first time in my whole entire life!
I am so pumped, freaked out, overjoyed, elated euphoric, dizzy, excited, bemused, shaken, awe-struck, bewildered, distracted, anxious, beside myself, frantic, thrilled, apprehensive...
A whole Molotov cocktail of emotions that blew up last night.
My camera is in the shop (and to my horror perhaps 'wont be back till Christmas...") which would mean that I would have to run through the streets, naked, to the visual and censorial Mecca of America without my magic eyes. I almost weep. (well, in fact, I did weep) To rent one down there would cost me 350$, so at that price, why not just put that towards a new one?
Well, I was not planning to do that so soon - was waiting for some cash and a few more jobs to come in before taking plunge, but throughout my vigilante comparison shopping hunt, I find out that the Canon 20D with a lens, 2Gig card, a battery, and a spectacular 3 year warranty would cost me less than $2000 Canadian!! I was asked to pay $1500 plus tax for a used one!! (and an added $350 in tax my dears). I was so relieved. Now, I must be able to get to B&H before they close Friday the 14th before 2pm because the rest of the month is Sukkoth (high Jewish holiday) and if I didn't get there in time, that would make me angry. Very angry...
Last night into the morning, bleary eyed and weak, I looked for places to stay. It's crazy how expensive some hotels were, and I wasn't up to staying in a Hostel with 6 other people because I want this trip to be a personal journey of sorts - find my spiritual center, take HPK around a city that never sleeps, and then - take the leap of faith into the seeds of a new life, knowing that somehow the net will appear
because it always does...
I know I will come back with stars in my eyes and feel renewed creativeky, which is what I need right now. (did I mention that my photos were going to be part of a Flickr exposition down there??) I will meet people who will become very influential in my life, who will put me in touch with other people. I have a feeling that some people will see the rawness in my art, admire me for bearing my soul, and take me under their wing. If that does not happen of its own record, I will make damm sure that I will put the wheels into motion so that it does happen!
Speaking of knowing...
My cousin from out west was here about a month ago. She seems happy with her new husband in their wedded domestic financially secure bliss. One day a few months ago (I am thinking it must have been in June/July) I got a sudden flash that my cousin was pregnant. It was the strangest thing - just like that bloop! Into my mind like a water filled balloon. I questioned myself as to where that strange insight came, but after years of things like this happening to me, I don't try anymore. I think that I am gifted with a heightened sense of perception, can perhaps tune into other people's energy wavelengths easier than most, but as I said before, it's not the first time it happened.
I let the thoughts pass - another random mind hic-up, and went about my merry way (probably, stressing - as usual...)
Today, my mom calls me - and before I even got a chance to lift the receiver to my ear she said:Did you hear the big news? Your cousin is pregnant!!
It was an AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! Moment. I knew it!! I knew it !!
Perplexed, she asked: oh, she told you already?
She also knows that I have that proclivity for sensing the 'unusual and unseen'.
Turns out that my timing was correct. She said she was two months, but mentioned that she was due in April (LOL! She is going to have her hands full with an Aries child!! LOL). So I am going to be an Auntie. Not that I will see my niece often, but I just throughout it was cool.
now where was I?
Oh yea, knowing and doing...
The last time I took a solo trip was to Cuba in 2003. Now that was a life changer and I am so glad I went solo - spending time by yourself is such a beautiful thing! I have always felt that way - loved living on my own, but traveling was the next big step.
I laughed with a friend of mine the other day
HPK - you are going to LOVE NEW YORK! You will never want to come back!
I think that my head is going to explode the moment I get off the buss.
The visual that accompanied those words was enough to make us snort like two sows in a rainstorm.
I can just see you, with your curly red hair - and then BOOM! All over the place.
I had to admit, it would have been kind of funny, but I think I'll just get off the buss and walk around with my jaw dragging on the floor behind me. I think I will be so stunned, I will be able to carry my luggage inside of my mouth...
So the place looks quaint: The Virginia Guest house.
All I can say is as long as there are no bed bugs, I am a happy camper.
So the thought of sinking $2000 into a camera is making me nervous.
But I will unwind in front of the TV tonight and watch some Law and Order and leave the stress behind for a little while...
Sunday, October 02, 2005
Living with Fear
In a few weeks, I will be going to New York for the first time in my life. SOme of my photos are part of an exhibition in Harlem along with my other flickr friends. I am so excited but at the same time, full of fear. Today, I came across this passage - and how appropriate it was shook me to the core, but at the same time, was the pefect preperation for this life changing trip I am about to embark on. It's a bit of a read, but it is worth it.
Living with Fear
Time and again I realize I often live in a reality that has
little correlation to the current circumstances of my life.
It is a lovely spring morning,
And I sit by my window watching buds of pink and blue hyacinths burst into bloom.
The scene so stunning I feel like I'm watching slow motion photography
on The Discovery Channel!
Yet for some reason I feel depressed and ill at ease,
Even though my life is basically working well.
At another time and place, On a crisp winter evening,
With a full moon shining brightly.
Everything fine on the surface,
But underneath,
Subterranean, I find myself quite anxious and unsettled.
Feeling like something terrible is just beginning to happen,
And it's only going to get worse.
This sense of impending doom,
Unrelated to the current circumstances of my life.
It's as if the cells of my body remember
something terrible that my rational mind has long forgotten.
When I am incapable of reaching a place of serenity,
A place of sanity,I feel great pain.
My roller coaster emotional state has imposed a mood in me for so long,
That feeling "wrong" feels "right" to me.
I fail to understand my turmoil as a default habit pattern,
That repeats itself over and over again,
Like the "Welcome!" message on my telephone answering machine.
I DO understand rationally that the madness I sometimes feel,
Has a negative impact on the events and relationships that transpire in my life.
And yet I often don't know how to feel differently.
I know of no method to rationally change my deep feeling
of impending doom when it suddenly explodes within me.
Such crazy feelings are not something "I" want.
My riotous emotions burst into bloom,
According to a calendar that I know nothing about.
My feelings have seasons that make absolutely no sense to me.
Even though I've been destabilized by my emotions for many years,
It is only recently that I have come to clearly recognize,
Fear has been living inside me.
Influencing so much of what I do,
How I think.
How I feel.
Like a childhood bully who tells you he will kick your butt
unless you give him what he wants,
And you believe him,
So you give him,
Your peace of mind.
Your sense of self.
Your dreams for your future.
And yet wondrously,
Through all of the madness,
I didn't know how to give up.
I didn't know how to fully give in.
I persevered in my suffering.
Many times I heard a voice inside me say "You can beat me,
but you can never own my soul!"
And somehow being able to say this and truly believe this,
Kept me alive.
Kept me in the struggle.
Now, when I muster the presence to stay in the moment with my sense of desperation,
I understand fear to be a guest,
And I have the right and the power,
To ask it to either quiet down, or leave.
When I am fully present in the world and with myself,
I understand that fear can be an important ally at times.
A signal to be heeded.
Yet so important to not let it drown out the rest of what life is communicating.
The rest of what life has to offer.
Recently, with a sense of great relief,
I can report there are now times when for a few minutes,
I experience a deep feeling of calmness.
And even if such feelings have yet to last,
The taste and smell of these experiences linger.
The weight and balance of my memories shift.
I sit quietly,
Breathe deeply,
And look at my alter,
Or out onto the world,
And know that everything is truly just as it should be.
I have been living under the spell of a blessing.
God has been with me from the very beginning.
I know that I have a rightful place in the world.
That my pain and suffering have been righteous,
I stayed the course,
Without giving up what I believe in.
The sanctity of my soul.
The sanctity of every soul.
Lately, I am able to console the frightened little boy, who lives inside me,
By letting him know there is nothing "real" about fear.
It's an illusion that appears when we feel separate, alone, and alienated.
The presence of fear, signaling the absence of love and protection.
The absence of the realization of God.
I help my little boy understand that it is in being together,
That we make everything OK.
Together, the little boy and I come to understand
we are capable of facing whatever might come.
Together,
We actually look forward to life's many challenges.
Together,
We become curious about how we will face death.
Together,
We feel our clear connection to God, and Life, and Hope.
Together.
Living with Fear
Time and again I realize I often live in a reality that has
little correlation to the current circumstances of my life.
It is a lovely spring morning,
And I sit by my window watching buds of pink and blue hyacinths burst into bloom.
The scene so stunning I feel like I'm watching slow motion photography
on The Discovery Channel!
Yet for some reason I feel depressed and ill at ease,
Even though my life is basically working well.
At another time and place, On a crisp winter evening,
With a full moon shining brightly.
Everything fine on the surface,
But underneath,
Subterranean, I find myself quite anxious and unsettled.
Feeling like something terrible is just beginning to happen,
And it's only going to get worse.
This sense of impending doom,
Unrelated to the current circumstances of my life.
It's as if the cells of my body remember
something terrible that my rational mind has long forgotten.
When I am incapable of reaching a place of serenity,
A place of sanity,I feel great pain.
My roller coaster emotional state has imposed a mood in me for so long,
That feeling "wrong" feels "right" to me.
I fail to understand my turmoil as a default habit pattern,
That repeats itself over and over again,
Like the "Welcome!" message on my telephone answering machine.
I DO understand rationally that the madness I sometimes feel,
Has a negative impact on the events and relationships that transpire in my life.
And yet I often don't know how to feel differently.
I know of no method to rationally change my deep feeling
of impending doom when it suddenly explodes within me.
Such crazy feelings are not something "I" want.
My riotous emotions burst into bloom,
According to a calendar that I know nothing about.
My feelings have seasons that make absolutely no sense to me.
Even though I've been destabilized by my emotions for many years,
It is only recently that I have come to clearly recognize,
Fear has been living inside me.
Influencing so much of what I do,
How I think.
How I feel.
Like a childhood bully who tells you he will kick your butt
unless you give him what he wants,
And you believe him,
So you give him,
Your peace of mind.
Your sense of self.
Your dreams for your future.
And yet wondrously,
Through all of the madness,
I didn't know how to give up.
I didn't know how to fully give in.
I persevered in my suffering.
Many times I heard a voice inside me say "You can beat me,
but you can never own my soul!"
And somehow being able to say this and truly believe this,
Kept me alive.
Kept me in the struggle.
Now, when I muster the presence to stay in the moment with my sense of desperation,
I understand fear to be a guest,
And I have the right and the power,
To ask it to either quiet down, or leave.
When I am fully present in the world and with myself,
I understand that fear can be an important ally at times.
A signal to be heeded.
Yet so important to not let it drown out the rest of what life is communicating.
The rest of what life has to offer.
Recently, with a sense of great relief,
I can report there are now times when for a few minutes,
I experience a deep feeling of calmness.
And even if such feelings have yet to last,
The taste and smell of these experiences linger.
The weight and balance of my memories shift.
I sit quietly,
Breathe deeply,
And look at my alter,
Or out onto the world,
And know that everything is truly just as it should be.
I have been living under the spell of a blessing.
God has been with me from the very beginning.
I know that I have a rightful place in the world.
That my pain and suffering have been righteous,
I stayed the course,
Without giving up what I believe in.
The sanctity of my soul.
The sanctity of every soul.
Lately, I am able to console the frightened little boy, who lives inside me,
By letting him know there is nothing "real" about fear.
It's an illusion that appears when we feel separate, alone, and alienated.
The presence of fear, signaling the absence of love and protection.
The absence of the realization of God.
I help my little boy understand that it is in being together,
That we make everything OK.
Together, the little boy and I come to understand
we are capable of facing whatever might come.
Together,
We actually look forward to life's many challenges.
Together,
We become curious about how we will face death.
Together,
We feel our clear connection to God, and Life, and Hope.
Together.
Thursday, September 29, 2005
i need my space (wiggle room)
Thank you Lorenzodom for this beautiful photo, and the wonderful passage that he wrote for it.
Don't be afraid of emptiness - strive for it instead. for less is more, it really is. space, both physical and mental, gives one room to breath, to think, to create, and conceive. for emptiness, if anything, is clarity, and is often the optimal state of being which is conducive to enlightenment and inspiration.
solitary activities, such as running, writing, meditation, or even bathing, often serve as great catalysts for creativity.Artistss, philosophers, scientists and gurus, all know that solitude is the sine qua non of not only creation, discovery and epiphany, but perhaps most importantly, the personal means to their salvation.
I spent a few days alone in the house. My man was away on business. Usually, I go stir crazy, trying to squeeze 1000 things I have wanting to do in a few hours when he leaves - I mean, I can use the vacuum cleaner as a military tank - zooming around the house like a kamikazi pilot, taking out dustballs and other small things that get in my way, without having to disturb him, or make him move 50 different places because every time he sits down, I have discovered a new place to spot clean. I know that I can get completely annoying, and I need to have that time to be insane by myself. I know that it does him good to be out of the range of fire as well.
Some people hate to be alone - they fear and dread those moments, and desperately try to fill up their time with other people. I personally, love it. I love to travel on my own, eat in restaurants on my own, see movies and concerts by myself. That doesn't mean I am a loner - actually the opposite! I think I am so sociable that it's a handicap. But when the night winds down, it's past midnight, sitting at my computer to write, it's wonderful to be able to turn on the stereo, dance a little dance, chill out with some candles and Jamaicann rum and ramble off ideas to myself.
I love talking to myself when I am alone. I have found out that I am my own best company! I laugh at my own jokes, I listen when I talk, I don't butt in on my own conversations, and I can understand ME! I think my appreciation of solitude and alone time comes from being an only child. I always had a vivid imagination, so friends or no friends, toys or no toys, I was able to make fun wherever I went - and nobody argued with me!
So he is home tonight. Out cold in a deep deep sleep. He stirss when I come into the bed - the mattress shifting wakes him up.
Why were you up so late? he mumbles, eyes trying to adjust to the glow of the clock.
I just wanted to write some stuff.
You have all day to do that.
but it's not the same. At night, there is a peace in the house - your energies, the cat's energies and the outside world pauses for a little while - slows down to a halt. I like to spend some time in those quiet moments, alone.
I have to say that being alone does not mean being lonelyy.
If you have never gone to a restaurant by yourself, I suggest you start small. Starbucks or McDonalds are a non threatening environment. And when you get real good - you can reserve a table for one in a fancy restaurant, order some chardonnay and sip it by candlelight and know that you have just made a huge step in getting to be happy being alone with yourself.
Monday, September 26, 2005
More relevant astro ca-ca
I hate having to refer to these astrological predictions, but these are just TOOO CREEPY especially in the light of what has been happening in the past few weeks, days and what is on the roster re: me going to New York city, taking a scriptwriting course, meeting up with an old contact who works at a government agency that is in charge of funding Canadian filmmakers (who said he would be more than happy to read my script...)
ouf.
Life really is stranger than fiction!
This week for Aries
Mars is standing still in the sky, hovering around a sensitive spot in the celestial sphere, close to a star called Zaurak. The name means 'boat' and people whose birth charts contain strong links to this heavenly body, often have phases when they feel 'all at sea'. You are now being temporarily touched by this influence which explains why you feel as if so much is floating around without direction. Actually, though, you are in the process of making a great journey - one which will eventually lead you to the safe shore of a more secure future. Don't fear or resent an apparent lack of progress. Sooner than you think you will be sailing to success.
!!!!!!!!
And for an apparently gloomy Monday - today's forecast is as follows:
Even if you are not sure where you are going, you want to get there as fast as you can. Nothing seems to be happening fast enough. For a person like you, who values actions more than words, that is frustrating. You had better get used to it. For a few days to come, little may alter. Something big is about to happen. It will bring lasting, positive change, once it occurs. There is little you can do, though, to hurry this process other than to be relaxed, trusting and keep yourself gainfully occupied whilst a little more time passes by.
!!!!!!!
I'll keep you posted...
ouf.
Life really is stranger than fiction!
This week for Aries
Mars is standing still in the sky, hovering around a sensitive spot in the celestial sphere, close to a star called Zaurak. The name means 'boat' and people whose birth charts contain strong links to this heavenly body, often have phases when they feel 'all at sea'. You are now being temporarily touched by this influence which explains why you feel as if so much is floating around without direction. Actually, though, you are in the process of making a great journey - one which will eventually lead you to the safe shore of a more secure future. Don't fear or resent an apparent lack of progress. Sooner than you think you will be sailing to success.
!!!!!!!!
And for an apparently gloomy Monday - today's forecast is as follows:
Even if you are not sure where you are going, you want to get there as fast as you can. Nothing seems to be happening fast enough. For a person like you, who values actions more than words, that is frustrating. You had better get used to it. For a few days to come, little may alter. Something big is about to happen. It will bring lasting, positive change, once it occurs. There is little you can do, though, to hurry this process other than to be relaxed, trusting and keep yourself gainfully occupied whilst a little more time passes by.
!!!!!!!
I'll keep you posted...
OMG!!!!!!!
I got this about an hour ago.
I am still reeling!
It's grey, rainy and damp outside but I woke up this morning earlier than normal. There was something pressing to do, learn, read, experience (and no, it was not my bladder...)
There was an awards ceremony last night. Charlotte emailed me last minute and asked me if I wanted to go. I was being a mole - curled up on the couch, box of Kleenex, my allergies and an hour of The Simpsons and Family Guy back to back. I was in no mood to go out.
I woke up this morning and I had a funny feeling - there was something. I could not put my finger on it. Things are starting to stir, motion, movement, a whole lotta shakin going on...
Then I opened my email and this is what was in my inbox:
Well it is too bad none of you could make it, but Alex and I were there and here is a summary of the night:
Most Notable Promotion and Publicity campaign
Nominated: Dum Blond Productions / Sex and la Cité and a few others
Winner : Dum Blond Productions / Sex and la Cité
Yeahhhhhhhh!
Best featured (non-lead) actor in a play
nominated: Peter K (Gino and drag queeextraordinairere)
Winner: some other guy, who cares, Peter's the best in our books
Best Performance by an ensemble cast in English
Nominated: Dum Blond Productions / Sex and la Cité
Winner: Dum Blond Productions / Sex and la Cité
Woohoooo!
Wish you guys were there to enjoy these moments with us. It was a rush.
and just as an added fun note. Davyn, the organizer said to me, that he was getting calls for our show all week, from people wanting to see it, he even got calls today. Awesome, we haven't exhausted our audience yet and hopefully we will get another chance to do our stuff.
that's all for now, updates next week
P&A
I wrote an email to a friend of mine - joked that:
a) it seems like we are as successful as the tv show
b) are the next Rocky Horror Picture Show -but for the modern 30something crowd
A year ago I never would have thought this would ever happen.
NEVER!
And last year, I said that this would be the summer to change my life?
Well - presto!
lol
I am still reeling!
It's grey, rainy and damp outside but I woke up this morning earlier than normal. There was something pressing to do, learn, read, experience (and no, it was not my bladder...)
There was an awards ceremony last night. Charlotte emailed me last minute and asked me if I wanted to go. I was being a mole - curled up on the couch, box of Kleenex, my allergies and an hour of The Simpsons and Family Guy back to back. I was in no mood to go out.
I woke up this morning and I had a funny feeling - there was something. I could not put my finger on it. Things are starting to stir, motion, movement, a whole lotta shakin going on...
Then I opened my email and this is what was in my inbox:
Well it is too bad none of you could make it, but Alex and I were there and here is a summary of the night:
Most Notable Promotion and Publicity campaign
Nominated: Dum Blond Productions / Sex and la Cité and a few others
Winner : Dum Blond Productions / Sex and la Cité
Yeahhhhhhhh!
Best featured (non-lead) actor in a play
nominated: Peter K (Gino and drag queeextraordinairere)
Winner: some other guy, who cares, Peter's the best in our books
Best Performance by an ensemble cast in English
Nominated: Dum Blond Productions / Sex and la Cité
Winner: Dum Blond Productions / Sex and la Cité
Woohoooo!
We did it! You should all be very proud!!!!
Wish you guys were there to enjoy these moments with us. It was a rush.
and just as an added fun note. Davyn, the organizer said to me, that he was getting calls for our show all week, from people wanting to see it, he even got calls today. Awesome, we haven't exhausted our audience yet and hopefully we will get another chance to do our stuff.
that's all for now, updates next week
P&A
I wrote an email to a friend of mine - joked that:
a) it seems like we are as successful as the tv show
b) are the next Rocky Horror Picture Show -but for the modern 30something crowd
A year ago I never would have thought this would ever happen.
NEVER!
And last year, I said that this would be the summer to change my life?
Well - presto!
lol
Woke up late, really late, cleaned like a fiend.
Serious shit for serious dirt.
I was so peaceful here, things were quiet aside from the cats screaming for attention. I cooked, washed dishes, did the laundry and chilled watching the Simpsons and Family Guy. It was good, but I am feeling down.
PMS? I missed my period for this month - but stress can do that to me, and so can putting on the poundz.
Weary, happy, exhausted and wondering - all this bla bla bla.
I am trying to calm the Trojan army in my head.
the natives are restless
I am slowing down - I knew that after the play and all the other whoopala, I would dribble down the side of the high life.
trying to talk to myself and be safe inside
while it gets damp and grey outside.
I think I am going to take a nice hot soak, drink some wonderful warm rum and cinnamon tea, chill out to a boring movie until I fall asleep in front of the TV.
Funny, one of my x's always used to say - the TV is watching me sleeping, not me watching it...
Serious shit for serious dirt.
I was so peaceful here, things were quiet aside from the cats screaming for attention. I cooked, washed dishes, did the laundry and chilled watching the Simpsons and Family Guy. It was good, but I am feeling down.
PMS? I missed my period for this month - but stress can do that to me, and so can putting on the poundz.
Weary, happy, exhausted and wondering - all this bla bla bla.
I am trying to calm the Trojan army in my head.
the natives are restless
I am slowing down - I knew that after the play and all the other whoopala, I would dribble down the side of the high life.
trying to talk to myself and be safe inside
while it gets damp and grey outside.
I think I am going to take a nice hot soak, drink some wonderful warm rum and cinnamon tea, chill out to a boring movie until I fall asleep in front of the TV.
Funny, one of my x's always used to say - the TV is watching me sleeping, not me watching it...
Friday, September 23, 2005
WTF?
I laughed so hard when I first saw this, then I began to think, wonder, and feel bad that I laughed so hard at it. Then I walked away, and a few hours later, I did the same thing all over again.
Am I the only one that this is happening to???!!
Am I the only one that this is happening to???!!
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Sex and La Cité after party
So this was us after our 1st show at the infamous Chez Mado - Charlotte, Me and Samantha! We were having such a wonderful time!
And would'nt you know it...
It made one year ago this month that I went to chez mado for the first time with one of my friends. I remember saying: 'this place is too wacky, I am going to have to include it into my next film! "
Who would have guessed that a show that managed to sell out (now 13 out of 14 shows in the past 3 months!!) would be something that would come first before my film...
Never in a million years!!
lol
And would'nt you know it...
It made one year ago this month that I went to chez mado for the first time with one of my friends. I remember saying: 'this place is too wacky, I am going to have to include it into my next film! "
Who would have guessed that a show that managed to sell out (now 13 out of 14 shows in the past 3 months!!) would be something that would come first before my film...
Never in a million years!!
lol
Sunday, September 18, 2005
Chez Mado!!
So this was it!The accumulation of all those months of work.
We were actually at Chez Mado! Putting on a play that took place in the place that I had envisioned almost a year ago.
does that make sense?
I don't know, and at this point in my drunken state, frankly, I don't even care!!!
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A year ago this month, a friend of mine took me to Chez Mado because he designed a hat for Mado (the owner and Diva for the Club) and I was there to document it. I took photos of the place and was so taken back by the insanity of how many people - gay, straight, transgender, bisexual, curious had come to see glamorous drag queens strut their stuff! It was amazing! old people - young people - you name it! It was a real cornucopia of individuals gathering in the name of fun. I was amazed.
And in the back of my head I said - one day, I will put this into a movie!!
And low and behold, a few months later - the play - Sex and La Cite was born!!
And here we are - full circle again - and we are actually performing at the club I had envisioned it would one day play in!!
Oh Dr. Phil and Dr. Dyer - the power of intention is a powerful thing!!!
*****
The show was a smash! Sold out crowd and a rowdy one at that. They laughed at all the ribald references and crazy antics, they cheered and giggled at all the right places. It made me smile - backstage, cramped and teetering precariously on steep steps that lead to a drag queen's lair below. Derek (Pascal) said - hpk - when I hear the audience laugh, I think of you - YOU were the one that wrote this! You are the one who is responsible for making them laugh!!
And I thought about that, let it sink in a minute and smiled.
yea, it was me!!
teee heee heeee!!!!
******
Our original Steve is in New York city on an acting scholarship - it was sad because he was sooo Steve, but I have to give Khris credit - he had huge shoes to fill, and did an AMAZING job! He was great, and won the hearts of the audience at each show. And we all welcomed him into our SALC family.
This group is really a wonderful thing.
I don't think I ever want to let it die - we came together for so many bizarre reasons and for many of them, there are absolutely no explanations, except the fact that we have all made a wonderful piece of theater that has touched quite literally hundreds and hundreds of people.
Sigh.
I am so tipsy, craving some serious starch, fending off the PMS monster and now transferring the images that were taken tonight in our crazy ass celebration (which I will post when I am sober) and it's all wonderful!!
I can't stop thanking the universe, and God above for bringing me to this point in my life - where synchronicity goes beyond the realm of explanation, beyond the realm of 'this is just coincidental' and into the land of you know, this might really have been something that was meant to happen.
I am so thankful that I have been able to have this experience in my life.
I know that when I am 50 and will look back on these events, I will have a huge smile on my face and say:
Yea, those were some wacky and wild Sienfeld-esque times..."
:-)
xooxo
We were actually at Chez Mado! Putting on a play that took place in the place that I had envisioned almost a year ago.
does that make sense?
I don't know, and at this point in my drunken state, frankly, I don't even care!!!
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A year ago this month, a friend of mine took me to Chez Mado because he designed a hat for Mado (the owner and Diva for the Club) and I was there to document it. I took photos of the place and was so taken back by the insanity of how many people - gay, straight, transgender, bisexual, curious had come to see glamorous drag queens strut their stuff! It was amazing! old people - young people - you name it! It was a real cornucopia of individuals gathering in the name of fun. I was amazed.
And in the back of my head I said - one day, I will put this into a movie!!
And low and behold, a few months later - the play - Sex and La Cite was born!!
And here we are - full circle again - and we are actually performing at the club I had envisioned it would one day play in!!
Oh Dr. Phil and Dr. Dyer - the power of intention is a powerful thing!!!
*****
The show was a smash! Sold out crowd and a rowdy one at that. They laughed at all the ribald references and crazy antics, they cheered and giggled at all the right places. It made me smile - backstage, cramped and teetering precariously on steep steps that lead to a drag queen's lair below. Derek (Pascal) said - hpk - when I hear the audience laugh, I think of you - YOU were the one that wrote this! You are the one who is responsible for making them laugh!!
And I thought about that, let it sink in a minute and smiled.
yea, it was me!!
teee heee heeee!!!!
******
Our original Steve is in New York city on an acting scholarship - it was sad because he was sooo Steve, but I have to give Khris credit - he had huge shoes to fill, and did an AMAZING job! He was great, and won the hearts of the audience at each show. And we all welcomed him into our SALC family.
This group is really a wonderful thing.
I don't think I ever want to let it die - we came together for so many bizarre reasons and for many of them, there are absolutely no explanations, except the fact that we have all made a wonderful piece of theater that has touched quite literally hundreds and hundreds of people.
Sigh.
I am so tipsy, craving some serious starch, fending off the PMS monster and now transferring the images that were taken tonight in our crazy ass celebration (which I will post when I am sober) and it's all wonderful!!
I can't stop thanking the universe, and God above for bringing me to this point in my life - where synchronicity goes beyond the realm of explanation, beyond the realm of 'this is just coincidental' and into the land of you know, this might really have been something that was meant to happen.
I am so thankful that I have been able to have this experience in my life.
I know that when I am 50 and will look back on these events, I will have a huge smile on my face and say:
Yea, those were some wacky and wild Sienfeld-esque times..."
:-)
xooxo
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Chiquita Azul - the club life
This is the kind of work that I am doing latley...
Taking photos of people having fun in a club!!
So it's offical - I am the club photographer, and might even have other spin off jobs as well. Several promoters who were at the club that night wanted to see my work, I sent it to them and they fell in love with my stuff. I am really excited and think that my winter just might be a busy one!!!
The play is being put on again this week! Three shows. For one of them, we have sold 200 out of 250 tickets.
I would just die if we ended up selling out all the shows!
I would be a happy woman indeed!!
I will write more soon when things get back to normal!!
xooxo
Taking photos of people having fun in a club!!
So it's offical - I am the club photographer, and might even have other spin off jobs as well. Several promoters who were at the club that night wanted to see my work, I sent it to them and they fell in love with my stuff. I am really excited and think that my winter just might be a busy one!!!
The play is being put on again this week! Three shows. For one of them, we have sold 200 out of 250 tickets.
I would just die if we ended up selling out all the shows!
I would be a happy woman indeed!!
I will write more soon when things get back to normal!!
xooxo
Thursday, September 01, 2005
Astro creepy
Here we go again...
This guy's stuff creeps me out!!
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
Don't be too sensitive and don't be too numb, either. You are going through important, powerful, changes. You are learning something about the true extent of your ability to change the world around you. You are discovering how, in one way, you can do more than you ever dreamed possible. Yet, in another, you are frustratingly, disappointingly, restricted. How big a problem does this have to be? As big as you choose to allow it to be. Focus now on the positive thing you can do. And the rest will take care of itself.
So interesting.
Today was my last session with my CBT therapist. It was kinda sad. I had grown to really like her and her fantastic insight and her way of making me look at how silly all my negative assumptions about myself were.
I am afraid I will lapse back into my old bad habits - thinking and being pessimistic, that I might fall into a depression again...
Well you have done all the works on yourself so far, I have just been here to guide you. You should be proud of your achievements. I am proud of you and know you will be alright. You have all the tools at your disposal.
So on this rainy day, I stepped out into the city streets, with my silly rubber boots and found the first big puddle and landed into it with both feet simultaneously.
That big puddle was not so big afterall.
This guy's stuff creeps me out!!
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
Don't be too sensitive and don't be too numb, either. You are going through important, powerful, changes. You are learning something about the true extent of your ability to change the world around you. You are discovering how, in one way, you can do more than you ever dreamed possible. Yet, in another, you are frustratingly, disappointingly, restricted. How big a problem does this have to be? As big as you choose to allow it to be. Focus now on the positive thing you can do. And the rest will take care of itself.
So interesting.
Today was my last session with my CBT therapist. It was kinda sad. I had grown to really like her and her fantastic insight and her way of making me look at how silly all my negative assumptions about myself were.
I am afraid I will lapse back into my old bad habits - thinking and being pessimistic, that I might fall into a depression again...
Well you have done all the works on yourself so far, I have just been here to guide you. You should be proud of your achievements. I am proud of you and know you will be alright. You have all the tools at your disposal.
So on this rainy day, I stepped out into the city streets, with my silly rubber boots and found the first big puddle and landed into it with both feet simultaneously.
That big puddle was not so big afterall.
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Sunset on a hot August night...
It seems like so much is happening to me at once - both the good and not so good, but I am trying to take it all in stride -live one day at a time, be mindful of myself and the world around me. This is the summer that has changed my life in so many ways...
When I took this photo, I had been inspired by the shots at dusk that I had shot for the indie film about two weeks ago. Everything seemed so still under the setting sun, everything bathed in a beautiful warm light. The sky, closing it’s eyes, getting ready for sleep.
I have some stunning shots of these moments and will post them soon.
When I look at this photo, I don’t think of it as a sunset, I think of it as a new day stretching it’s wings, announcing - `I will be back tomorrow`!! This is how I now see my path unfold in front of me...
I am working at the club this weekend - Thursday and Sunday - and last weekend was a blast (will post more photos of those crazy events soon). I am going to have a little solo exposition in an upscale ice cream-sorbet shop near my place. I am finishing my CBT the day after tommorow and I bought a notebook to record all my progress. I could not believe the timing. It was right there, in front of me, as if to say: buy me!
On the beautiful seafoam green cover it said in embossed writing:
I am still learning...
Michelangelo
I am still learning, and this is the begining of another lesson and journey.
When I took this photo, I had been inspired by the shots at dusk that I had shot for the indie film about two weeks ago. Everything seemed so still under the setting sun, everything bathed in a beautiful warm light. The sky, closing it’s eyes, getting ready for sleep.
I have some stunning shots of these moments and will post them soon.
When I look at this photo, I don’t think of it as a sunset, I think of it as a new day stretching it’s wings, announcing - `I will be back tomorrow`!! This is how I now see my path unfold in front of me...
I am working at the club this weekend - Thursday and Sunday - and last weekend was a blast (will post more photos of those crazy events soon). I am going to have a little solo exposition in an upscale ice cream-sorbet shop near my place. I am finishing my CBT the day after tommorow and I bought a notebook to record all my progress. I could not believe the timing. It was right there, in front of me, as if to say: buy me!
On the beautiful seafoam green cover it said in embossed writing:
I am still learning...
Michelangelo
I am still learning, and this is the begining of another lesson and journey.
Saturday, August 27, 2005
And just because life sometimes gives you little signs, and sometimes it hits you in the head like a baseball bat...
I had to post this.
The timing once again, is too crazy.
I am a happy laughing camper.
It's sunny and warm outside - and I am sunny and warm inside.
Have a wonderful weekend :-D
Aries weekly forecast from August 25th
Your Weekend: We are surrounded by technological marvels that were all but undreamed of a few decades ago. We face a future so radically different from our past as to be beyond comprehension. No wonder so many of us feel insecure. No wonder, too, that we cling to so many traditions. Incredible things are possible in your life. But only one, truly incredible thing is worth aiming for. Don't be afraid of your future, embrace it. And you'll soon start feeling grateful, for everything that's happening in your world. It's going to be a surprisingly good weekend.
The timing once again, is too crazy.
I am a happy laughing camper.
It's sunny and warm outside - and I am sunny and warm inside.
Have a wonderful weekend :-D
Aries weekly forecast from August 25th
Your Weekend: We are surrounded by technological marvels that were all but undreamed of a few decades ago. We face a future so radically different from our past as to be beyond comprehension. No wonder so many of us feel insecure. No wonder, too, that we cling to so many traditions. Incredible things are possible in your life. But only one, truly incredible thing is worth aiming for. Don't be afraid of your future, embrace it. And you'll soon start feeling grateful, for everything that's happening in your world. It's going to be a surprisingly good weekend.
In a taxi on my way home, I met with a wise man...
You know, even if I tried to make my life less complex, I don`t think it would be at all possible. My life is a Sienfeld episode - period. It goes from varying degrees of Kramer-ness, Elaineisims, Jerry-itis and George-a-tosis, but there are just some days that I have to shake my head, throw my hands up in the air and say `What the F*%k was that all about?`.
Tonight was one of those nights, and it was freakywildamazingcrazyeyeopeninglifechanging moments that I thank God I am alive and open minded enough to experience such a blessing.
I would have to spend the next two hours decompressing from the wealth of information that is now packed into my folds of grey matter, and because I am going only on fumes now (Had another AMAZING night at the club tonight - it`s almost 4am and I am bagged dead tired) but this is something I have to write down becasue I know that as soon as I lay my head on the pillow, it will evaporate like unattended pot of boiling water on a stove.
So - where to begin...
I will talk about this cab driver. The moments and the insanity-crazy-wonderful energy that permeated the club tonight will be possible to recount via the almost 320 photos that I took tonight.
yep - 320.
But about the cab driver...
Sometimes, when you really want something, but least expect that its gonna happen during your lifetime, it does. Just like that. Poof!! It`s there, staring you in the face, grinning like aCheshire cat saying I told you so. You asked, and here I am!!
I was not a firm believer of that - power of positive thinking school of thought. If the power of + thinking were that successful, everybody I know would be in a better place financially, physcialluy and emotionally than they are at now.
HOGWASH!!
I said...
Past tense
Over the past month, I have been in a funky kind of therapy called Cognitive behavioral therapy. And let me tell you, it kicks some serious pessimistic ass! The premise is simple - change your thoughts, change your mood = change your life. It sounds ridiculously simple, but it works. I am in the process of being living proof.
Not too long ago, I read a book by Wayne Dyer called the power of intention which basically says - if you believe in what you want, you can make it happen and make it your reality...
there`s no place like home, there`s no place like home.
And sometimes, it`s as easy as clicking the heels of your ruby slippers together a few times
the magic of believing...
I have tried so hard and am still in the process of changing my thinking patters (I have toyed with the idea of writing another blog called - My See Bee tea (a punny phonetic play on words) but i think if I had one more blog or thing to do, I would not have any time to breathe, so I will dump bits and peices of my personal discoveries here...
CBT = change your negative self defeating thought processes. Dispute them, contest them, put them through the ringer - imagine asking yourself the question - what is the worst thing that can happen. Nine times out of ten, you won`t die or lose your limb if the worst case scenario takes place. We just think it will happen that way.
So I have been trying to make myself believe in my abilities as a writer, a photographer, and someone who is actually quite multi-talented and to stop putting up my own roadblocks to success.
Why do I fear success?
I am afraid of failure.
I think we all are to some degree.
Well, this taxi driver tonight just put the whole thing into perspective.
Complete perspective.
I was at the club and it was just amazing how people were responsive to me - hugging me after they saw the result of a great photo I snapped of them, people coming up to me, asking me if I could take their photos as they danced and posed while whooping it up. It was like I was a 10000 watt bulb and I was in the middle of a moth Woodstock weekend. I guess I was glowing, being really happy at what I was doing, and the chain reaction perpetuated another action and so on. I almost did`tn want to leave cause I was having such a blast.
I spoke with the owner - who is IN LOVE with my photos (he can`t tell me enough times a day how much he freaks over them) and tonight said that he told his girlfriend - I found the photographer for the wedding, even though it`s three years away, I know I have to book her now...
I just stood there, stunned with a stupid exhausted grin on my face.
Wow
I went outside and ran into one of the security guards who had a good time chatting with me the night before as she had to do a routine check of my bag. so you are a photographer? Do you do headshots for actors? I am in need of new ones...
And before I left the house today (forgot about that one), I got a call from the organizer of the nude and erotic art festival I was a part of in April and he wanted to know if he could use one of my images for the poster of his next event - a bodypainting competition.
I was stunned.
All in one day - because I put myself out there and believed in my work and how important it is for me to share it with others.
Wow
So the taxi ride home -
This guy - Edwin, was brilliant. Turns out he did his masters and was working on a PHD in philosophy (hello - hats off to anybody who can wrap their head around that stuff!) and could not find a job so he is doing some taxi driving to pay the bills. In brief - these are some of the things he said - There is a difference between thinking , living and believing - we only live one of the two, rarely all three, but the most important is the belief that we can live what we think and believe we could be.
Imagination is God`s workshop.
When you have negative thoughts in your life, during the day, these thoughts are like blood clots in your system. Your heart is the seat of your soul - like a sprinkler nourishing the other parts of your body. When the clot stops your energy from flowing to your heart, the whole system breaks down, the sprinkler stops and everything goes into a shutdown mode. Keep free from those negative thoughts - detach yourself from them, they are only thoughts, and you have control over what you make important in your life - these thoughts are fleeting only if you let them become fleeing. If you give them unnecessary weight and importance, they will become clots and shut down the whole system. You have the power of your mind to focus on what is important and what is real in the here and now.
If you believe, you can make it happen. You start thinking about negative things, of the things you don`t have - I don`t have a job, I don`t have any money, I don`t have this and that - well, if you believe that, you will have what you believe becasue you make that your current reality. If you focus on the good, on what you want, visualize it so that it`s palpable, continue to believe in it, you will get it because your center of need and desire is the power within yourself. Only you stop yourself from becoming what you really want to be. When we go against what other people`s and society`s definition of who we should be, we feel guilty, and guilt is a poison , it is the material of the blood clot. It is unhealthy. As long as you are true to yourself, and you know that what you want is not taking away from or causing harm to anybody else, then the obstacles are of your own making and can be removed by you alone.
There were other things he said - about goodness, detachment from anger and frustration, loving and letting go of hatred and expectations that were all so beautiful. I wish I had enough sense to take notes, but I was completely mesmerized and clung to his every word.
I was sitting in a taxi cab, on a Friday night, 3:30am with a Haitian Buddha
and it was truly a mystical experience.
Ah! You are a photographer! I would love to get some photos of myself, with a nice house, happy and content becasue I will put those in my apartment and look at them every day. That will remind me that all I want is within my reach. I will remind myself that the only thing that stands between me and what I desire is my own self-doubt and worry. If you believe it, you will have it.
If you build it, they will come.
Somehow, that line from Field of Dreams does not seem that far fetched anymore.
So as I close this, yet another lengthy diatribe monologue to myself, or perhaps to my fellow bloggers out there, or maybe even somebody who happened to stumble onto my site here, do yourself a favor. Write down your intention. Take a photo of yourself happy and where you really want to be. Print it out, post it on your wall and look at it every day - say This is me and I have it already - it is within my reach and mine to keep. Now, I believe that something magical may just happen...
I might just take that photo of me before I hit the mattress , but then again, I want to look at least half rested and glowing when I imagine myself sharing my books, movies and photography with the world...
:-D
And as I do the final spell check on this document, I have to laugh out loud.
You know what word I am having the hardest time with - spelling it wrong all the time?
You guessed it
I think i should write it 100 times on a paper so I can memorize it...
Tonight was one of those nights, and it was freakywildamazingcrazyeyeopeninglifechanging moments that I thank God I am alive and open minded enough to experience such a blessing.
I would have to spend the next two hours decompressing from the wealth of information that is now packed into my folds of grey matter, and because I am going only on fumes now (Had another AMAZING night at the club tonight - it`s almost 4am and I am bagged dead tired) but this is something I have to write down becasue I know that as soon as I lay my head on the pillow, it will evaporate like unattended pot of boiling water on a stove.
So - where to begin...
I will talk about this cab driver. The moments and the insanity-crazy-wonderful energy that permeated the club tonight will be possible to recount via the almost 320 photos that I took tonight.
yep - 320.
But about the cab driver...
Sometimes, when you really want something, but least expect that its gonna happen during your lifetime, it does. Just like that. Poof!! It`s there, staring you in the face, grinning like aCheshire cat saying I told you so. You asked, and here I am!!
I was not a firm believer of that - power of positive thinking school of thought. If the power of + thinking were that successful, everybody I know would be in a better place financially, physcialluy and emotionally than they are at now.
HOGWASH!!
I said...
Past tense
Over the past month, I have been in a funky kind of therapy called Cognitive behavioral therapy. And let me tell you, it kicks some serious pessimistic ass! The premise is simple - change your thoughts, change your mood = change your life. It sounds ridiculously simple, but it works. I am in the process of being living proof.
Not too long ago, I read a book by Wayne Dyer called the power of intention which basically says - if you believe in what you want, you can make it happen and make it your reality...
there`s no place like home, there`s no place like home.
And sometimes, it`s as easy as clicking the heels of your ruby slippers together a few times
the magic of believing...
I have tried so hard and am still in the process of changing my thinking patters (I have toyed with the idea of writing another blog called - My See Bee tea (a punny phonetic play on words) but i think if I had one more blog or thing to do, I would not have any time to breathe, so I will dump bits and peices of my personal discoveries here...
CBT = change your negative self defeating thought processes. Dispute them, contest them, put them through the ringer - imagine asking yourself the question - what is the worst thing that can happen. Nine times out of ten, you won`t die or lose your limb if the worst case scenario takes place. We just think it will happen that way.
So I have been trying to make myself believe in my abilities as a writer, a photographer, and someone who is actually quite multi-talented and to stop putting up my own roadblocks to success.
Why do I fear success?
I am afraid of failure.
I think we all are to some degree.
Well, this taxi driver tonight just put the whole thing into perspective.
Complete perspective.
I was at the club and it was just amazing how people were responsive to me - hugging me after they saw the result of a great photo I snapped of them, people coming up to me, asking me if I could take their photos as they danced and posed while whooping it up. It was like I was a 10000 watt bulb and I was in the middle of a moth Woodstock weekend. I guess I was glowing, being really happy at what I was doing, and the chain reaction perpetuated another action and so on. I almost did`tn want to leave cause I was having such a blast.
I spoke with the owner - who is IN LOVE with my photos (he can`t tell me enough times a day how much he freaks over them) and tonight said that he told his girlfriend - I found the photographer for the wedding, even though it`s three years away, I know I have to book her now...
I just stood there, stunned with a stupid exhausted grin on my face.
Wow
I went outside and ran into one of the security guards who had a good time chatting with me the night before as she had to do a routine check of my bag. so you are a photographer? Do you do headshots for actors? I am in need of new ones...
And before I left the house today (forgot about that one), I got a call from the organizer of the nude and erotic art festival I was a part of in April and he wanted to know if he could use one of my images for the poster of his next event - a bodypainting competition.
I was stunned.
All in one day - because I put myself out there and believed in my work and how important it is for me to share it with others.
Wow
So the taxi ride home -
This guy - Edwin, was brilliant. Turns out he did his masters and was working on a PHD in philosophy (hello - hats off to anybody who can wrap their head around that stuff!) and could not find a job so he is doing some taxi driving to pay the bills. In brief - these are some of the things he said - There is a difference between thinking , living and believing - we only live one of the two, rarely all three, but the most important is the belief that we can live what we think and believe we could be.
Imagination is God`s workshop.
When you have negative thoughts in your life, during the day, these thoughts are like blood clots in your system. Your heart is the seat of your soul - like a sprinkler nourishing the other parts of your body. When the clot stops your energy from flowing to your heart, the whole system breaks down, the sprinkler stops and everything goes into a shutdown mode. Keep free from those negative thoughts - detach yourself from them, they are only thoughts, and you have control over what you make important in your life - these thoughts are fleeting only if you let them become fleeing. If you give them unnecessary weight and importance, they will become clots and shut down the whole system. You have the power of your mind to focus on what is important and what is real in the here and now.
If you believe, you can make it happen. You start thinking about negative things, of the things you don`t have - I don`t have a job, I don`t have any money, I don`t have this and that - well, if you believe that, you will have what you believe becasue you make that your current reality. If you focus on the good, on what you want, visualize it so that it`s palpable, continue to believe in it, you will get it because your center of need and desire is the power within yourself. Only you stop yourself from becoming what you really want to be. When we go against what other people`s and society`s definition of who we should be, we feel guilty, and guilt is a poison , it is the material of the blood clot. It is unhealthy. As long as you are true to yourself, and you know that what you want is not taking away from or causing harm to anybody else, then the obstacles are of your own making and can be removed by you alone.
There were other things he said - about goodness, detachment from anger and frustration, loving and letting go of hatred and expectations that were all so beautiful. I wish I had enough sense to take notes, but I was completely mesmerized and clung to his every word.
I was sitting in a taxi cab, on a Friday night, 3:30am with a Haitian Buddha
and it was truly a mystical experience.
Ah! You are a photographer! I would love to get some photos of myself, with a nice house, happy and content becasue I will put those in my apartment and look at them every day. That will remind me that all I want is within my reach. I will remind myself that the only thing that stands between me and what I desire is my own self-doubt and worry. If you believe it, you will have it.
If you build it, they will come.
Somehow, that line from Field of Dreams does not seem that far fetched anymore.
So as I close this, yet another lengthy diatribe monologue to myself, or perhaps to my fellow bloggers out there, or maybe even somebody who happened to stumble onto my site here, do yourself a favor. Write down your intention. Take a photo of yourself happy and where you really want to be. Print it out, post it on your wall and look at it every day - say This is me and I have it already - it is within my reach and mine to keep. Now, I believe that something magical may just happen...
I might just take that photo of me before I hit the mattress , but then again, I want to look at least half rested and glowing when I imagine myself sharing my books, movies and photography with the world...
:-D
And as I do the final spell check on this document, I have to laugh out loud.
You know what word I am having the hardest time with - spelling it wrong all the time?
You guessed it
believe
I think i should write it 100 times on a paper so I can memorize it...
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