my photography...

Hi K, I believe that your work shows that photography is not always pleasant to look at but that we need to see things to be able to appreciate how other people are experiencing their lives. Keep up the brilliant work.


best wishes, 
Roger



Wow.
What a compliment.

I just got this from somebody who saw my work on artween.com.

I have my blue series up there, and a bunch of other stuff that is not "beautiful" or "sexy", and that is just fine by me.

My photography is a tool for healing, education, teaching, and sharing.

I'm happy that it has touched somebody's life.

And that's what it's all about...

the great expedition

I'm a broken woman.
Sobbing has become as natural and as involuntary as breathing.

The waiting is excruciating.
After countless calls to his secretary, nurse and his office, gastro doc has not returned any of my calls. Yes he is the head of gastric surgery now, but he has always been responsive in the past. Aside from showing up with my insides bleeding and oozing from my eyes, perhaps my only other option is to show up inside out.

I hope they are not mining for tumors, but the possibility is very real and very there...



* a few hours later...


gastro doc's secretary has just called me. She assured me that "we are going to get to the bottom of this", and that if a) his resident can't see me, then they would fax the requisition to the private clinic (colon and gastroscopy) but as I had emphasized, that if the pain got bad, then I would go through the emergency.

That means I have to talk to specialist doctor # 2. Another area completely but just as serious.

I told gastro doc's secretary: "in an ideal scenario, I could have the laparoscopy and both scopes done all at once. We shall see.

but at this point, I am on multiple pain killers and nothing is working.

Ah perchance to sleep, but unless I can remove the rest of my body from the neck down, I'm out of luck...

Because I still struggle with this...

as promised, and long overdue, my first sound 16mm student film. I made this during the first year of (my 2nd degree) Film Production specialization in what is now called the Mel Hoppenheim school of cinema.

The sound is crap, i know. The picture is shitty but the idea is there and for now,

that is all that matters...

(tip - click on the little square between the bars and the "Vimeo" logo". This way you can see it larger, which is better...)


Clair Obscure - a visual autobiography from Kathy Slamen on Vimeo.

I did everything here, aside from act.

That is my voice you hear. This is my experience you are seeing.

My professor warned me about the pitfalls about making a film on mental illness, because it was a complicated subject, and because i was a rookie, there was a fine line that needed to be balanced upon - because too serious or too light and the message would not come across as intended. I'd either end up with a bad comedy or a bad horror film.

But i was determined, and for 6 months of my life, i was this film in ever sense of the word. And my professor as well as a few close friends and family believed in me when nobody else did. And the day i had my final "rough cut", 12 people were stunned silent for minutes as they absorbed the film they just saw.

And this film has gone on to touch lives, win awards and open minds to what is the major leading cause of illness next to cancer - mental illness.

After the past two years of my public struggle with manic depression, the urgency to put this film "out there" and embark on a new project has come, but I have to lay the foundations first.

This film has already won numerous awards, brought many people to tears, but in the end, it was about sharing my story with the world, and i think that after all is said and done, perhaps this is my purpose in life - to illuminate, educate and reach out to those who are familiar and not so familiar with this disease.

So the next time somebody says that mental illness is not real, tell them from somebody who suffers from it - mental illness is a cancer of the mind and spirit.

it's real, and this film and i are living proof...

i am the little filmmaker that could...

in the words of a desperate and despondent woman..

I got an email from one of my new docs.

he has a long complicated last name, so everybody calls him Dr. K

in the words of a desperate and despondent woman, can you please help me?

i was in tears when I wrote that, so fed up from getting the run around, no replies to my phone calls - in general, making my way through the medical system has been hell...

but a ray of light

no problem HPK, we will see you this Wednesday


Dr. 

one step at a time.

That's one doctor on board for problem # 1
waiting for doctor number two about problem # 2

seeing my head shrinker the same day as Dr. K., 2 hours later.
Thank God they are in the same hospital. I hope psyhc doc is as willing to help me much as Dr K.


f and t's crossed...

between a rock and a cancerous hard place...

High grade precancerous cells on cervix -  3 times


total hysterectomy + no cervix = no cervical cancer.


but


"Your risk of vaginal cancer increases following a hysterectomy." **


life between a rock and a cancerous hard place...



and that still doesn't answer the question to medical mystery problem # 2...



life as me - fun isn't it?

it just does not stop...

I'm cursed.

This shit does not stop.

Went to see my doc the other day.
She wants to send me to another specialist. As soon as possible.
Our insurance is already maxed out from 4 ultrasounds, two specialized tests and one MRI. This is going to bankrupt us. And we are not even in the U.S!!

wtf?

nice to have money it would be...


but we don't and that's the reality.

Nobody in their right mind would hire me now. I'm sick too often, and mom has been in and out of hospitals for years. I need to take care of her if she needs me.

I need to take care of myself.

Another shocker, the doctor told me: "we might have to look into this radical surgical procedure in the near future. You did have problems in the past..."

I almost cried on the spot.

I went home and cried like a baby for hours and hours.

This would totally be a lifestyle change.
No more running or any strenuous activity. Ever again...
Not to mention 3-4 months rehabilitation time...


going to be 42 on april 4th.

Happy fucken birthday to me.

This year started off in the hospital, i wonder where i will spend my birthday?

I have tried to call my other doctor (yet another bodypart gone bad) and he has yet to return my calls.

nothing.

Waiting and waiting.

I have waited 3 months in severe pain and will have to wait another one to see anybody. And this after being put standby on a cancelation list.

I'm so fed up. Ultimately fed up and let down.
And oh yea, did I mention that I'm bipolar as well?

Times like this i wish I had just taken the leap into the unknown so many years ago. Ended it all. One last breath and no more pain.

regret is a dangerous thing.
Almost as dangerous as suicide...

Really. I mean, really!?!?

Really. I mean REALLY?
You got to give me a fucken break...

this just goes to show you that being an actual "skilled photographer" these days means absolute shit. Any kid can pick up a digital camera and call themselves "an artist".


case in point...
this person got the People's choice award.

I know this person and must say that it's a shame that he did not get the top prize.
This man is brilliant. He is a male Cindy Sherman. All those people in the photo? All him. I was lucky enough to meet 2Fik and must say, that it won't be long before his work will be at the Centre Pompidou in France.

but that other person?
REALLY?!?!
I mean, wtf?

I was sooo utterly discouraged when i saw that.
Seems like my "blue series" that i submitted did not even make a blip on the radar.

Photography, is now becoming even more like show business. It's not what you do, it's who you know. It's not about skill but the right way to market yourself to the right people.

What's next? a 7 year old who takes the world by storm with her 'brilliant self portraits"?

"oh, i was bored and daddy left his camera behind when he went to work. I just pressed a few buttons, and I made some pretty pictures..."

Time to hang up my camera.
Seriously.


I have no strength to fight this shit anymore.
It's a lose lose battle.

Things just keep on getting worse.

e was on his way to pay his license and registration.
he got nabbed by the cops at random.
400$ ticket, plus 350$ for the registration he was just about to pay.

and that is just the most recent bad luck this poor boy has had.

when it rains...

When you think things can't get any worse, they usually do...

I'm too sick to work. We have no money.
The sky is falling and i have a hole in my umbrella.

take me away...

Haitian art fun

somebody put a $10 bid on my photo.
What a surprise that was.
I was not expecting anything at all.


anything I can get for my art these days (attention wise) is a bonus.

I'm thinking of hanging up my camera for a while. Along with my writing cap, and rest of my tools of the trade.



Life has become overwhelming. The pain and ache of regret and sadness is suffocating me. Lead feet, alcaline mind, eyes suspended in acid. My medications have once again, begun to crap out on me.

Bipolar is not a myth.
Bipolar is not something one can "just snap out of"
Bipolar is my mental cancer.

Depression actually kills your heatlhy braincells.

Cancer of the mind...


and the medical mystery lives on.
The pain - two months and still no answers.
Go ahead, cut me open and poke around my insides.

I'm already bedridden most of the time, so this will be a walk in the park compared to what I've been through...

Something you need to know...

What you need to know.
What i'm going through is real.
It's pain, it's horror, it's fear and hopelessness.

It's real and if I could possibly have any wish is that everybody on the planet who says that "bipolar illness isn't real" have one day in my shoes during one of my worst episodes.

But I know that will never happen, so it remains my mission to give a shout out whenever I can. To educate the ignorant and to shout at those who choose to feign  hearing loss.


It's All in Your Head And Other Thoughtless Things Said!
By Marcia Purse


How often have you been accused of whining or being a hypochondriac? Do people think you are just a complainer, an attention-seeker, when depression makes it difficult for you to cope with daily life? Are you told that "there is absolutely nothing wrong with you?" Do people tell you to "get over yourself?" I am sure that everyone with bipolar disorder has had those completely thoughtless things said which we can quote verbatim 5, 10 and even 30 years down the road.

Sometimes those with whom we interact can be narrow minded and cutting. And for every person who says something deliberately hurtful to a person with mental illness, there are a dozen who say things thoughtlessly or out of ignorance. Unfortunately, regardless of intent, words wound, fester and scar.

The following is a short list of things people say that are often intended to be helpful, but are actually tactless. Perhaps these will better equip you to respond to the thoughtless comments and to illustrate the need for each of us to better think through our word choices.

What was said: It's all in your head. You are a hypochondriac.
What may have been perceived: You are either completely deluded or making an excuse for poor behavior in order to get my sympathy. I don't believe in that psychiatric mumbo jumbo. I don’t believe that you actually have a real illness.
The Fallacy: Mental health problems are the result of a character flaw or weak personality. Mental illnesses are not real diseases.
The Facts: Bipolar Disorder is a medical illness with a physical cause probably rooted in structural or biochemical abnormalities in the brain. In short, it is very real, just like diabetes or heart disease.

What was said: We all go through times like this.
What was perceived: You are overreacting. Stop making mountains out of molehills. You can't handle life as well as I can.
The Fallacy: Everyone has the symptoms of Bipolar Disorder.
The Facts: An article by David A. Kahn, M.D., and colleagues entitled Treatment of Bipolar Disorder: A Guide for Patients and Families1 offers an excellent perspective for addressing this fallacy. "We all experience a variety of moods -- happiness, sadness, anger, to name a few. Unpleasant moods and changes in mood are normal reactions to everyday life, and we can often identify events that caused our mood to change. However, when we experience mood changes or extremes that are out of proportion to events or come 'out of the blue' and make it hard to function, these changes may be due to a mood disorder."

What was said: Just shake it off.
What was perceived: You've created this problem for yourself, so just get over it and move on. I am out of patience with you. Don't bother me with this again.
The Fallacy: Everyone can and should control their emotions.
The Facts: Bipolar disorder is a medical condition. Those with this disorder can no more snap out of it or shake it off then those with a broken leg.

What was said: He must be demon possessed.
What was perceived: I am righteous. You are not. Everyone who believes in God is perfect and does not struggle in life. You are a sinner and got what you deserved.
The Fallacy: Bipolar Disorder is the result of misconduct.
The Facts: Bipolar disorder is not your fault. It is not the result of something you did or didn’t do. "Bipolar disorder has no single proven cause, but research suggests the illness is due to abnormalities in the way some nerve cells in the brain function or communicate." (Kahn et al, 2004).

Sources:
Kahn, D.A., Keck, P.E., Perlis, R.H., Otta, M.W., & Ross, R. (2004). Treatment of Bipolar Disorder: A Guide for Patients and Families2.

O Canada

I have always loved watching the olympics, but this year, it was different. Not only did i swell with pride every time a medal was won by a fellow Canadian, but a whole nation did with me as well.

14 GOLD medals.
Congratulations brave and brilliant athletes!
My home and native land has become a happier place to be...

Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) Introduction

very cool (note to self, don't be angry at E when he taps like a nervous monkey. He may be onto something...

Self-Acceptance with Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT)

I need this so very much right now...

a little history behind the book about death..

I'm in the Wales incarnation of this project.

Seems like my little "blue" series will now see another side of the world...

MOMA New York and LA County Museum of Art Research Library, have acquired a set for their Art Collection, and The Mube in São Paulo will also hold a set, maybe it's a good move to get the work to Wales.

To date it is exhibited @ MOMA New York, River Mill Art Gallery, Westfield. New Jersey,  Eclipse Gallery, Winsconsin, Otis School of Art & Design, Mobius in Boston. The Queens Museum of Art (NY) The Mube in São Paulo Brazil'' España La Sexta House of Music, Tijuana, Mexico, Baton Rouge Loiusiana .... and now there's a box here on the chair!"

The sprawling, collaborative unbound "book" on the subject of death at the Emily Harvey Foundation Gallery in New York opened on Thursday, September 10, 2009, one day shy of 9/11, bringing together hundreds of artists in a global exhibition that honors the late artist Ray Johnson (1927-1995), whose own work inspired this exhibition; Emily Harvey (1941-2004); and the artists themselves, who have presented their unique visions of the subject through combinations of art, photography, and text.

Conceived and organized by Matthew Rose, a Paris-based American artist, A Book About Death is comprised of artists' postcards from original art created specifically for the exhibit. These pieces collectively form the pages of the "book." While many of the artists involved in the exhibition are internationally known – Yoko Ono, Eric Andersen, Peter Schuyff, Rodney Alan Greenblat – all of the artists share the stage equally. Each artist has contributed 500 postcards to the exhibit, and visitors to the Emily Harvey Foundation Gallery were encouraged to take "pages" away with them to create their own book about death. The exhibit is thus designed to "disappear" on its own schedule as people attend the exhibitions.

"Between March 1963 and early 1965, Ray Johnson sent out an unbound 'book' in the mail one page at a time,"explained Mark Bloch, one of the 13 speakers and performers at the opening night."It was a largely unnoticed milestone in the history of books. To make things even more interesting, like much of Johnson's art, it took as its subject ‘death’. Now almost 15 years after the mysterious death of Johnson himself, a huge cross-section of international artists have been asked to revisit Johnson's original strategy by submitting one page each to a new 'Book About Death.'"

"The distribution of art and ideas was very much Ray Johnson's thing,"said photographer Mark Sink, who contributed a photograph of his mother, a three-time cancer survivor, to the exhibition. "It's very exciting to see him and the concept honored in this exhibition."Mark Sink noted that when he first confronted with the project, he drew a blank on death. Then, with some time, the ideas came rushing in. "Life is all about death -- Freud's dissertation of the human drive – sex or death and 'the death of analog...the death of our culture…the slaughter of self-aware sea mammals, and of course, our dying earth. Now I can't stop thinking about it!"

"A Book About Death has become a book about life,"added Joan Harrison, an artist and writer. "I have the strangest sense I can hear Ray (Johnson) chuckling over my shoulder every time I work on anything involved with this project!"

art for a good cause

I'm so delighted to be a part of the Haitian Art Fund auction!



My gallery in New York welcomed me with open arms as I submitted one of my photos.

They are such amazing people, who really believe in my art, and i think will also embrace my next series of photos. I have a feeling that within the next two years, i will have another solo exhibition in New York City again.

And another cool thing, another site - Artists.de (based out of Germany) invited me to be a part of their site. They had seen my stuff on artween.com and loved it!

I have a feeling that a trip to Berlin this year will not be out of the question.

I already am starting to have some buzz about me in Europe, people have told me that Berlin would love my stuff. Fingers and Pilsner crossed.

Oh yea - i am also one of the "featured artists" at the Seattle Erotic Arts Festival this year. I had been begged by the international artist liason/merchandise director to have my stuff in his store. "I've been trying to get you for the past two years!"

A framed print for up to 500$ slot will be waiting for me. Yes....

so here is my haitian art fund image.

Bid high.
Art for an amazing cause...

inconclusive

the MRI results - inconclusive...
they can't find anything that is out of the ordinary.

I think I'm gonna push for a PET scan, and the exploratory surgery.

The pain is incredible and I can't believe that there is nothing going on underneath the surface.

something is not right here and i need to find out what it is fast.

it has hampered the quality of my life. I can't sit, I can't walk, i can't move much.
I have become a prisoner of my own home.

and for somebody who is bipolar, staying indoors is NOT a good thing to do, especially during the winter months.


I'm slowly going insane.

I used to love to run, to go to the gym, to take long walks in the park, the crisp snow squeaking underneath my boots. Cleaning out the stale air from my lungs.

But that is become a chore. That has become almost impossible.

What next?

What next...


I'm pushing to to have my next surgeon's appointment pushed up from the end of March to an earlier date, but like with all doctors, their availability is limited to one day a week, and there are so many people who are perhaps even worse off than me who are also waiting...

Happy year of the Tiger.

Rip my insides to shreds, as if you are not already doing so...

Comedy for adults

This stuff is f-ing brilliant!!

How many kids knew about masterpiece theater, let alone "Upstairs Downstairs"!?

I almost peed my pants when I saw this.
Watching it for the 5th time and it never gets old...

tiger+monkey=A bumpy ride...

ohh.
Year of the Tiger.

Too much change in such a short period of time.

I was afraid of this.

read along with me...

The Chinese Year of the Tiger will result in tremendous strokes of luck for the Monkey. Golden opportunities will appear out of the blue, and you need to be ready to seize them. You may get an opportunity to study abroad, stage a play, return to school or get a dream job. The sky is the limit in 2010. The one problem you will face is lack of time. You'll be so busy working, playing and creating that you'll have few opportunities to rest and relax. When you feel overwhelmed, ask friends to help you with chores and housework. They'll be happy to come to your assistance for a change.

Your family will undergo some radical changes, and you need to be prepared to assume the responsibilities of a sibling, spouse or parent who is called away on other business. A period of adjustment will ensue and a few arguments will break out. It takes time to break old habits and establish new routines. Be willing to rearrange rooms in order to accommodate your new lifestyle. "Out with the old and in with the new" should be every Monkey's motto in the Chinese Year of the Tiger.

Your work life will also experience seismic shifts. It's critical to maintain good relationships with your colleagues throughout 2010. Refuse to get drawn into office politics. By mid-year, the atmosphere may become so tense that your boss will be required to reorganize the entire team. You'll have some good suggestions for rearranging things, so warring parties won't have to deal with each other anymore.

LOVE

You need to be utterly scrupulous as far as your love life is concerned, dear Monkey. Scandals have a way of popping up during the Year of the Tiger. If you're tempted to stray from a committed relationship, either seek couples counseling or break things off altogether. Cheating will come back to haunt you. A flirtatious admirer who tries to tempt you away from your partner can't be trusted. Yes, it's flattering to get all of this attention, but in the end, you'll be glad you stayed away from this rogue.

Single Monkeys are better off focusing on their social life than pursuing romance, according to your Chinese compatibility horoscope. The Year of the Tiger could put a heartbreaker in your path. If you do happen to get swept off your feet by a silver-tongued devil, be prepared for a big shock. It may develop this admirer is juggling several relationships. Hold out until next year, when prospects for a steadfast lover will be better.

MONEY

Monkeys need to be careful about impulse purchases in the Chinese Year of the Metal Tiger. This isn't the best time to buy expensive status symbols and flashy clothes. The demands of your social life could put a serious dent in your savings, too. By putting yourself on a budget, you'll avoid the pitfalls many other Monkeys will experience in this frenetic year.

If you want to change jobs, plan to do so in the second half of the year, when your prospects will be strong. Limit your search to your current field; 2010 is not the time to switch industries. A job offer could require you to relocate. Although the idea of moving away from friends and family is upsetting, you will be glad you accepted this position. It looks as though you'll be able to make significant headway in your career. In addition, you'll meet some great new people who appreciate your unique outlook and talents.

I was afraid of this for so many many reasons...

Michel Bubble and the marvels of modern science...

Had my mri the other day. Got a bit worried when the technician said that the radiologist wanted to see my ultrasounds to "compare". Guess they found something because if they didn't they wouldn't need another scan to "compare" it to!

That made me quite nervous actually.

The scan lasted about 45 minutes and man, was it loud!!! Thank God they gave me noise canceling headphones (big honking earphones) and piped in some Michel Bubble to pass the time. The actual sound was in mono, but it helped to take my mind off being in this magnetic doughnut while my atoms were being spun around and around.

oh yea, had a mild allergic reaction to the thingamajig they had to inject into me to get a clearer image. A huge rash, some heart palpitations, but nothing too serious.

Small mercies...

The pain was so bad last night I had to bite the narcotic bullet and take the morphine. It did work, but it also made me agitated. It's hard to sleep in 15 minute intervals. The sun was coming up and i was trying to find solace sandwiching myself between two pillows.

and so the journey continues...

Letting go...

“In the end these things matter most:

 How well did you love? How fully did you live? How deeply did you learn to let go?”

Buddha

birthday party
a friend of ours is turning 50.

but a very cool 50

went to the flea-market to pick up some cool

got some cool gifts

now E is coming down from his inadvertent msg. Baton Rouge high
the pain is still really bad.

I will push for the surgery as soon as possible, that is, if the MRI doesn't' find anything, which i have a sneaking suspicion it won't...