A letter to a friend

a letter to a photographer friend today - a reply to his message after seeing my film
Clair Obscure.

I was surprised by what gushed forth
sometimes I surprise myself, in a good way :-)

Oh Dave,

you have no idea how much your message has touched me. So many emotions. I don't know where to begin...

first, I'll start from the end...

Interesting you picked up on the whole doc/60's-70's feel. I guess my religious viewing of films such as shock corridor (Sam Fuller), Titicut Follies (Frederick Wiseman), 2001 (Kubrick), A woman under the influence (Cassavettes) and of course, One Flew over the cuckoo's nest (Forman) and Let there be light (Huston). Film has been a huge part of my life. When my parents divorced, i was 11, and my weekly father's visits consisted of dinner @ Wendy's or McDonalds followed by a movie. That's all we did. That was his way of connecting. After watching a film, we'd go for ice cream and have our own "At the movies" critique session. You can imagine how interesting they were when we saw 2001 a Space Odyssey and Apocalypse Now (he snuck me into that one. Opening week - crazy insanity. He literally snuck me underneath his coat!!)

And when I did film production @ university, we were old school. 1990. Cutting film was an organic experience. Almost spiritual.

manic depression is often a ticking time bomb, present in the family tree and detonated during or after a traumatic event - my detonation was my parent's split. After that. puberty wreaked havoc until I was 19. That's when I had my full blown breakdown. It was ugly. It is truly a miracle I lived to tell the tale. I should have been dead by now, more than half a dozen times over...

After almost a year of being shuttled from emergency room to another, I was helped by a doctor who was starting a crisis clinic at one of the hospitals. She was a pioneer in her field and research into bipolar. It was the light at the end of the tunnel, but little did I know, the tunnel would be filled with sewage, rot and stigma. (funny enough - while I'm writing this, I just realized that the whole scene in the tunnel might have been a subconscious link to that...)

I was hospitalized for a week and then a day patient for a month. The big mental hospital is actually an old mansion on the mountain. Ornate, yet now devoid of all its glamour, it was a hollow shell of a once grandiose existence - so much like the life of a person with bipolar - after the crash...

I knew I was not 'crazy/over the edge" as some of the people there were, but i was not far from it. I had actually looked into the abyss. Stood on the precipice of no return. It was a welcome end to an existence filled with pain, confusion and relentless chaos. That ledge was so narrow. Despite my new 'medicated lithium state", it was terrifying to actually know that i was so close to jumping into an alternate reality because mine had become a living hell. The woman who sat in the waiting room, in the buss, arranging her groceries, watching out the window as the world passed her by, letting the wind blow through her hair. That could have been me. In that waiting room, in that other world...

what brought me back, i still don't know. But to this day, I am forever thankful that by some divine intervention, i returned. Perhaps it was the will to live, my higher reptilian brain telling me to push through. Or perhaps it was my old soul telling me it was my gift to be able to share this experience with the world. That my suffering was indeed necessary to be able to coherently explain life "on the other side" and to give others hope, and others insight into an existence that is nothing short of hell on earth...

Your relationship with your ex-girlfriend - bless your heart. We all need somebody as understanding and loving as you are to her. You are insightful and kind to realize that bipolar is something bigger than we are. It is bigger than our logical mind. It is our emotional mind on crack. It's the vortex of fear and isolation, of gravity and pain twisted around synapses that fire furiously, out of control, without a plan. Rabid. Paralyzing. What we say and do during our mixed states is not of our own consciousness. It is the muddled kaleidoscope of isolation, broken dreams and terror.

And ADD, I suffer from that too, albeit a mild version but  I know all too well how that can turn a normal task into a labyrinth of confusion and complication.  Mine runs into elliptical and illogical ruminations about death, paranoia and other worst case scenarios. Sometimes, I can't even step out of the house because I'm afraid that the earth will open up and swallow me whole, or that I will spontaneously combust. My mind checks over the details like a mega processor, but the computations never add up but information spews forth at random, adding to the confusion and chaos in my brain.

Dysthymic  Disorder - that languid melancholy, worn like a wet overcoat. How it turns the most beautiful sunset into a realization that another day has passed and life is that much shorter.  How the excitement of a new day is filtered through the density of apprehension that what we didn't do yesterday is yet another reason to put off what we could have done to what we should do, but then as the sunset begins, we get lost in an endless cycle of regret and what seems like idyllic hope. I really hope that you are able to manage those episodes. That you have found a medication to ease the pain. I have found that CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy has helped me a lot), but as with all ways of seeing and learning, it takes practice. The key is to stay positive and focused. Which for people like us, is nothing short of a hurdle in itself. Having friends who understand and believe in you are key.

But I think the worst part is dealing with the people who think "it's all in your head". Yes. It is. But despite that when they say : "just snap out of it" - mental illness is a chemical imbalance. The brain is a complex system of nerve tissue, fibers, neurons, dendrites and synapses - all working together or against each other. Even in the 21st century, science is still in the initial stages of comprehension and unraveling the mystery that is the human mind. I have had to deal with people who say: "just get a grip on life", "everybody has problems", "it's all in how you deal with it" or the best one: "buck up and face your problems like a man/woman".  It is my hope that one day, people who are these ignorant naysayers live one life in the mind of somebody who suffers as we have. I have no doubt that they would quickly change their mind and opinion, but until then, I try with my photography and films to drive the point home.

Did you see my "blue series" on flickr? I have a bunch of other "self portraits" that try to illustrate life on the other side of sanity. With each shutter click, i hope that one day I will get closer to being more cohesive, better at expressing my experiences. It's important that people know and understand. Ignorance breeds contempt and hatred. Our world is filled with enough of that. 
People who suffer by no will of their own need a fucken break. 

All my life i've had to deal with people labeling me a "weird/off/strange/psychotic/wacky". A good friend of mine from high school with whom i recently reconnected with said that people often came to her and asked: "why are you friends with her? She's pretty messed up." But she stuck through, believed in me and said - 'that's why she's so special. And that's why she's my friend." If only i had that kind of unconditional acceptance from my friends and family. 

After a nasty court settlement when i turned 20, my mother, father and both lawyers on both sides sat in our lawyer's office and when asked if we had any last words, I looked at him and pulled out a piece of paper.

"dad, you think that this is all in my head - this depression. this mania. my suffering. Here is a list of doctors that will tell you that I am in fact suffering from bipolar disorder. That it is real. I encourage you to get in touch with them and talk to them yourself."

without looking at me, he packed up his briefcase, took the paper, folded it into a tiny square and shoved it in his pocket. 


"Well, if I were to ask the doctors when all my problems started, they would say that it all started when you were born."

And with that, he left the room. His lawyer, my lawyer and mother all stood there, silent and shocked. His lawyer apologized profusely. So did our lawyer. So did my mom. It was something I would have to get used to.

How ironic is it that to this day, my dad, even though he has seen my film, still does not believe that what i suffer from is a legitimate and medical condition.

It is still something I am getting used to. But if my film can touch one person, then all of this will have been worth it.

And your message has made me smile.

I'm so happy that it touched your life. That means everything to me.

Please stay well Dave, and i have faith that one day, we will be able to share our stories on the battle field. We have come through the difficult task of survival, overcoming the stigma, and through that, will inspire others.

hpk

my left foot

Strange days indeed.

it's been so long since my last post, and so much to write.
Where do I begin?

I will start by going backwards.

Tried to ramp up the CBT the other day because i need to preach what I'm practicing...


Spoke to a friend about her crumbling marriage. Telling her to try to keep positive. That there is never rain 365 days a year. That the sun always breaks through the clouds. That for the most part, 98% of the population are not 100% evil, and that her husband has an addiction. Even if that addiction is to his "other woman" who he can't stop texting for even a moment.

While on the phone with me, she and her hubby were texting. There was some funny banter back and fourth and I was privy to the play by play.

"I said something about wanting to fondle his elbow"
(because as per the marriage therapist, they were supposed to work on "touching and reconnecting")

text back - my elbow?
text - i mean your foot. I love how uneven your toes are on your left foot.
text back - it's my right...

"What the hell does that mean? Was that meant for me? Is he texting his friend and thought it was me saying : "it's his right to see his child during a separation" !?"

"Holy crap girl! Your mind is like a rabid monkey spinning around in your head! How can you be sure that is what he is REALLY saying?"

"Well, it must be! I think i should call my lawyer tomorrow..."

"Why don't you just ask him what he means?"

text - what?
text back - it's my right foot...

We both laughed.

"See my dear, it's only about his right foot! See how the mind went into overdrive and began to fill in all the cracks of the rest of the sentence? Attaching meaning to where there was none?!"

And we laughed and laughed. I poked fun at the situation by telling her about the famous intro to the Monty Python film with the big foot coming down and squishing everything. The visual was hysterical. And at the same time - poignant. How the mind will overcompensate for a lack of information by blowing things out of proportion - a huge foot stomping on everything. People, flowers, musical notes.

A gargantuan foot - splayed toes and all...

"my mind is just running around lighting everything on fire. I can't stop it.'

"yes you can, it just takes work; but obsessive tendencies are part of our pedigree. Great grandmother, grandmother, your mother, my mother were all struggling with some form of depression. I'm bipolar. The black sheep crazy of the family, but obsessive/compulsive behavior is a part of that. it's all under the umbrella of mental illness in its varying degrees."

"well, i must be OCD then. I just keep on digging this obsessive grave deeper and deeper until I can't get out and get suffocated by these fucken thoughts."

I tried to explain my techniques: listing all the thoughts, the % of how much i believe each thought, exaggerate the worst case scenario and how much I believe that, what i know to be true, the grade of anxiety from 1-10 (at the beginning and at the end of the exercise). I extolled the virtues of finding my "touchstones" - things that make me happy and shift my thinking just by doing/watching/listening.

We were both impressed with my logic and clarity.
I'm proud that I have some of those moments sometimes.

After four and a half hours of Wayne Dyer-izing, CBT-ating and Zen-atilitaing, she was calm and at peace, and happily, so was I.


Today changed that mood.

An email: the whole time he was texting me, he was texting her! NOW WHAT DO I DO?!?!

What do you do? What can be told to someone who is living with and loving a person that has an obsessive compulsion?

I feel horrible for having given sound advice.
I feel like a flake, fake, and bullshitter for having believed my own advice. For allowing myself to try to "think well".

And as I type this, I can hear the monkey in my mind getting restless. Sharp utensils are within its reach. The once peaceful room is getting cluttered with negative images, words and scenarios. How do I tame this beast?

Scratch its belly. Keep it happy.

I try to smile, underneath my skin pulled taut over muscle twitching confusion...

Mr. Fyst, you were right...

Mr. Arty, you were right. The painter man was spooked out by death. Wrote me a long email explaining what happened with his mother when he was small - came close to the big D word. Flipped him out. Then one of his best friend's sister died. He loved them to bits, but still could not bring himself to the funeral. Says he still beats himself up for it, has tried to change his character but can't seem to do it. Change his attitude that is.

Up until my grandmother died last March, it had been a long time in between deaths. The last one being my best friend who offed himself in a hotel room. I wept for days, then off and on for weeks, then off and on for months. Even to this day, I still shed a tear.

I mourn the loss of one of the best friends I have ever had, mourn the loss of the possibilities for him, the lives he could have touched. The world would have been a better place with him still in it, but on the flip side, when he was on this earth, so many people were touched by his life, love and laughter, and i was one of the privileged.


I remember seeing his ashes in a beautiful burgundy box on the altar of a small chapel. Our gang sat around it - 5 on either side. His cegep family, and his blood family. Back then, the idea of cremation freaked me out; but today, my grandmother's ashes is right beside our wedding picture. She could not make it in person, but at least she was there in spirit. Technically, she is here in person, but in a different and smaller more compact version...

So that closed door is now re-opened. Happy about that, but i tread with caution. I have begun to guard myself, but begun to question wether i must now lower my expectations of my friends and their behavior and what i will accept as "acceptable behavior".

Still now word from She. Not even a  "well, bitch, if that's the way you feel, fuck you", which is what i expected. At at least that. Latest post on fb says that she's going on vacation. Posted on somebody else's post that "I'm sick too and nobody is taking care of me!"

well girl, you made your bed, now lie in it...

but it still hurts, and it hurts my attitude towards my art and myself.

I looked at my latest frame series. Not a lot of activity on it. Received one private message that said it was brilliant - and i had reached a new pinnacle in my creativity.

Really?

why does it feel like i am rotting inside? Why do i feel as if I am slipping away?

but anyway.
The hurt will eventually turn to annoyance, and from that, minor irritation. There will be a scab, but to heal entirely, i must avoid picking at it. That is why i have removed her from my news feed. Removed all her old emails from my inbox, put them into a folder called: "I don't care anymore".

Same with my father. E and i are drafting the final email. His attention span is the size of a pin head, so being concise is key. Looking for a one two punch. Then walking away from the fight for good.

It's windy outside, snow rolling by like ice capped waves. Snow. That used to equal skiing. Father and daughter time on the slopes. And that was lots of fun. But in order to move on, i must forge new memories, new experiences.

one step at a time. One hill at a time.

So mr. Fyst - you were right, as I knew you would be. I felt the same way and knew that A was a kind heart, yet tormented soul, but for the others? Well, they have their own demons to wrestle with, but there is a difference between being self centered and centering the self.

onward and upward. On the page and onto the screen our words will go.

guardian angels exist in cyberspace.

I was getting very distraught that my postcards had not made it to the gallery in time for the opening last night. After an hour with customer service, they agreed to reprint 500 more postcards rush order and ship them off last night.

Well, I just received confirmation that they arrived safely.

a day late - well, i guess I'll make an impression ;-)

but this is what moved me.

An old friend of mine from flickr who is now on facebook posted this onto my profile.

and then, what i wrote back to him.

an end of the week blessing of sorts.

Me:

Releived that the Postcards FINALLY made it to NYC. A little late, but I guess I'm sure to leave a lasting impression ;-)

Derrick: HPK, believe it or not! -- I prayed that those postcards got to you in good hands eventually (several times). In fact, I sent my guardian angel out to make to guide those cards to you in fashionable time. And, of course, none of this ever fails!

What is interesting is that yesterday I had started to write you a wall post that was going to ask if perhaps you had gotten them yet (because I sensed in my heart that you were going to get them; my guardian angel never fails me). If you had of said "no," I was going to say, "...have a little faith, because they are going to be there soon, watch and see." All of this is true.

Then I see now that you received them. Perfect!

and what i wrote to him right after...

Derrick, you have no idea how completely floored i am that you took a few moments to pray and ask your guardian angel to help get those cards to nyc! I was gonna get all mushy gushy on my post, but thought that i would rather tell you personally. Thank you so very very much.

It's been such a long time since I have been moved by the kindness of strangers (well, you're not a stranger, but we have never "Met" per say, but you know what i mean...) that when i read this a few minutes ago, i shed tears of joy and thankfulness. I have always felt that you were a special person from the moment i saw your photos, and then as the years passed, and i got to know you a bit more, that opinion became solidified. You have such a way with words, the sentences you compose, the images you create - the kind only a caring and sensitive soul would imagine. I'm almost speechless! Thank you thank you thank you!!

Guardian angels - not many people talk about them anymore. I once had an experience when i was very young - perhaps 7 or 8. I always had a statue of a guardian angel on my bureau. She was beautiful - tall, stoic, cascading long golden hair, a shimmery white robe and delicate sparkled wings. It was an old ceramic figurine that was passed down from my mom to me. Well, one night, i awoke from a horrible nightmare and sat up in bed. Before me was the fading apparition of the same guardian angel, now larger than life - extending her arm out to me as if to say: go back to sleep. It's okay, i'm here to take care of you..." And as i try to focus on her, she slowly faded away. That night, i had the best sleep of my life. I tried to explain it to my mom but she shrugged it off as part of a dream, but i knew otherwise.

it was not until a few days after my grandfather's funeral did my mom start to believe in what i was saying. Her father had a long suffering bout with lung cancer and when he died, was skin and bones. A few days after the funeral, my mom was awake, tossing and turning, in and out of a light drift of unconsciousness when she noticed something glowing on in the curtains in front of her. She looked up and it was her father - radiant, glowing, and looking healthy and happy. He reached out to touch her shoulder, as if to say: "I'm here, i'm happy and i love you". She was filled with grace and love and as she fell asleep, felt protected and at peace. She still considers that the best sleep of her life.

I often have dreams of dead relatives. They never actually "Speak", just telepathically communicate. I had told my grandmother (my mom's mom) when i was about 15 that i had these dreams. Her face lit up: "back in the old country (czechoslovakia) we would consider people who were able to see the dead as special and very gifted. You have a special connection with the beyond." well, it was many months before i dreamt of her, but a few weeks ago, both my mom and myself dreamt of her ON THE SAME NIGHT!! and to both of us, revealed that she was happy and at peace (although she did make my mom work - "I'm coming to visit and I'm bringing 5 friends - I hope you don't mind!". (My mom always seems to be working in her dreams. Guess it's a capricorn thing cause e does the same... lol) And then, two weeks later, we both dreamt of my aunt and my grandmother - AGAIN -THE SAME NIGHT!! So as i get older, i realize that there are perhaps things as the afterlife - planes of energy that vibrate long after the body is gone, and that sometimes, if you are sensitive enough, or perhaps, ask loudly enough, you will get a reply.

Atoms communicate to each other. On what level still is the great unknown, and perhaps will forever remain the greatest mysteries of the universe. All of that to say, I guess you have a really great relationship with your guardian angel Derrick. And because you shared that relationship with me in an indirect way, I am so very blessed to have you as a friend in my life. :-))

I have one little favor to ask though - if you can please say some special prayers for my mother? She is still on her arthritis medication which happens to be an immune system suppressant. The battle rages between her oncologist who says to go off it (because he thinks that it suppressed her immune system so much that despite the IL2 treatments which were immune system boosters, so that the cancer was able to come back) and her g.p who says to stay on it. She is battle weary and i fear that if the cancer does come back, she will refuse treatment, or that the cancer will come back with a vengeance - brain or pancreatic cancer, which there is usually no hope for survival. I'd like to believe in miracles - that she will beat this thing, but after reading your post, I now believe in little ones, and they are the building block for the big ones. God Bless you Derrick. Than you for being so very special. oxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxxooxoxoox hpk

fresh strawberries, wine, moonlight. Perfect way to ease the uneasiness of transition and uncertainty

It doesn't help that facebook has this horrible 3x4 inch screen to see what you are typing into,and that i'm trying to uncross my eyes from the experience...

this was a nice exchange.

and sometimes,you will find joy and love in the smallest of places...

Big A

this is internet for idiots

10:44pmhpk

i agree. but i just cant shake feeling all vulnerable and soggy

10:45pm

Big A

well like I said facebook is for people looking for something to complain about and show how pityfull their real lives are

10:45pm

hpk

indeed, but for some of us, it

10:45pm

Big A

I'm not saying all

10:45pm

hpk

it's about sharing..

maybe i share too much...

10:46pm

Big A

but 98% are morons

10:46pm

hpk

let me thro something at you

10:46pm

Big A

ok

10:46pm

hpk

just suppose...

10:46pm

Big A

ok

10:46pm

hpk

hypothetical brainstorm

10:46pm

Big A

oh oh

10:46pm

hpk

i was doing some writing last night - figuring out shit, and came across this book,

it was about "finding your purpose in life" and that stuff i like to read sometimes.

but this time

unlike other times when i would just delve into the pages with such hunger for knowledge

i dropped the book as if it was on fire, and felt sick to my stomach...

and what ran through my head was

"why am i so afraid of finding out my calling?"

you know - purpose of being here?

it was so strong, i could not shake it...

when i was younger, i wanted to change the world, and as i got older, i figured out ways -

i learned to write, then photograph, then put the two into film.

and then i made my movie (did you see it by the way? My one about my breakdown?)

10:49pm

Big A

no I haven't.....

10:49pm

hpk

anyway, it all seemed so clear to me what i needed to do - move forward in this direction.

i will show you soon...

10:49pm

Big A

Ok

10:50pm

hpk

but now, i feel frozen. Terrified. And it's as if finding my way to finding my way as to my purpose is horrifying to me.

i don't know why...

hpk

it's bugging the shit out of me and kept me up all night..

you know, when you are out of the siutation, you can see things differently

like you - you are blessed with a gift bro

and you share that with the world. Mind you, it doesn't pay now, but

you are having the ability to go around THE FUCKEN WORLD MAN!!

and that is so special!!!!

Just think of it - you have quite literally, been around the world several times!

I have only made it to cuba and calgary!! lol

but you have a gift. You feel happiest when you are painting right?

10:53pm

Big A

well the way i see it is that you need to step back...look at it like when you were a child...sometimes we complicate things for no apparent reason...thats what I did and that why I'm here now with what I have...I take to many financial risks... I know it will bit em in the ass some day...but I just can't let it go

10:54pm

Big A

I believe that I was meant for bigger things....so I'm working hard on it....i won't let anybody tell me the opposite....even if I know I'm terrified of it all

and I feel the same about you girl

I know you are meant for bigger things

I feel a bond with you in a weird way

except some of the stuff i do keeps me back and you move forward...and then its the opposite again

10:56pm

hpk

oh big A, you have just made me so very very happy! You are getting a gigantic hug 2mrw!!

what you say makes sooo much sense... We complicate things way too much, but complication - isn't that just really critical examination?

don't we really need to critically examine what life brings to us? What we want to give to it?

How do we let go of being terrified?

10:58pm

Big A

i think I stopped thinking that way 8 years ago.......I just let it happen and see what comes my way

whats the worst that can happen?? we have an adventure good or bad

we have make mistakes...most discoveries are from mistakes we make

10:59pm

hpk

but what happened to let you "just stop thinking"? Did you get a feeling that everything was going to be alright?

10:59pm

Big A

no I believed in myself and worked hard at it

thats when I felt like I was free

10:59pm

hpk

i see...

that makes so much sense...

i have to fill this void somehow...

this deep feeling of despair and fear. I really have no fucken clue where it's coming from...

11:00pm

Big A

I don't have many regrets....but the ones I do have changed my life forever

11:00pm

hpk

perhaps it's all about mortality...

and the fragility of life - and that how something so dear to you can be taken away at any second...

11:01pm

Big A

we both have been beaten down...but we are fighters and we do have something most people don't have...a free soul and love

and our fear isn,t from us...its from what others fear of us

11:02pm

hpk

that is so unbelievably poetic dude.. you're gonna make me cry! Seriously, you are making so much sense right now...

omg. I'm reading this over and over again:and our fear isn,t from us...its from what others fear of us

11:03pm

Big A

people use us to feel better about them selves....they fear us for who and what we feel

11:03pm

hpk

go on...

11:04pm

Big A

and we were meant to suffer to make these people happy...but what they don't know is that we are the happy ones...we live in our own lives and dreams...so i feel we are the lucky ones....

11:05pm

hpk

indeed... You have such a refreshing way of looking at things dude... I never though about looking at suffering as well, salvation in a way...

11:06pm

Big A

I have been to hell and back and I know as a human being ...i could have chosen a different path...we have to take what our mothers have given us and enjoy and appreciate what we have...freedom to express ourselves with no hold bars

11:07pm

hpk

yes! I know our mothers are proud of us - and you know what? we come from incredibly strong and beautiful women!

and they are our inspirations

11:08pm

Big A

I'm not much of person that can explain what I feel... but I know now that I have let go of my fears of myself ...I can continue my journey knowing that I'm happy and doing what I love doing even i know there will be people out there fearing me and what i do and feel

11:09pm

hpk

that is a true warrior my friend... a kind and gentle warrior - you

and you express yourself eloquently too. I'm not bullshitting. You have made so much sense to me tonight.

I was ready to go to bed and worry myself to sleep, trying to figure out why i'm so worried about being me!

11:11pm

hpk

i think that deep down inside, we do the things we do because we know we can touch people. And that sensitivity is a blessing and a curse.

11:11pm

Big A

we shouldn't fear ourselves....we know what we are capable of doing and not doing... we need to push ourselves to more than would ever dream about...who cares what others feel or see...I know that what we do does touch and make peopel happy

11:12pm

hpk

yes.. yes. We are our own worst enemy

funny though - the thought of being your own worst enemy... It's not as if we didn't have enough of them in our daily lives, we have to add public and private enemy #1 to the list???

You know - i'm looking at the little thingy i posted under my friends list...

"Creativity arises out of the tension between spontaneity and limitations." by rollo may

so true isn't it. Perhaps we are in a state of growning - growing pains...

11:14pm

Big A

even if they do fear and and loath us...deep down they envy our freedom to be who we are and that is what I'm talking about when we fear ourselves...they do too

they fear they are boring so they mock us for there personal fears

fear of looking what they haven't done in there lives...like live

11:

hpk

could it be we fear our own freedom?

11:15pm

Big A

express there feelings and dreams

well yes we do...that why we haveto let go and just be

11:15pm

hpk

or feel guilty that we feel free?

amazing...

11:16pm

Big A

that them lurking in the shadows...

your guilt is brought on by them

and there own personal fears

11:17pm

hpk

they project onto us and we soak it up like a sponge

11:17pm

Big A

hpk...wake up!!....live your life...thats what our moms want for us and what we want for our children....

I know thats what i want for little a

her not to fear herself

her limits

her dreams

and I know thats what your mom wants too

11:19pm

hpk

i know...

and you are teaching little a some valuable life lessons, and i know that one day, when she is older and knows no limits, she will have you to thank.

11:20pm

Big A

this life is short....but I believe that there are many others before and after...but we must live what we have now and just be fearless

11:21pm

hpk

i agree. Fuck. I need to bungee jump with you...

11:21pm

Big A

its fuckin scarey....but i look at life like a child and try not complicate it to much

11:21pm

hpk

it seems that as i get older, i get more afraid.

you read my mind...

11:22pm

Big A

fear is our enemy...not other people.......

11:22pm

hpk

u would figure that life experience would make you more comfortable to face challenges - i mean, at 41, you've seen a lot and a lot of those situations we go through more than once...

but even experiences - life experiences can cripple us.

how odd is that?

we are so fucken backwards! lol

11:23pm

Big A

yes...but its always the fear of our limitations...or what we t hink we are limited too

thats why i believe that i let myself go

I don't fear myself anymore

I'm me and thats whats important

11:24pm

hpk

hitting our head on the ceiling of limitiations - and fearing the possible pain of the hit on our heads that in reality, just may never happen?

we are preparing for the worst too - in some way. At least I am...

waiting for the ceiling to fall - living in a state of perpetual fear - of others, of myself...

11:25pm

Big A

it usually doesn't....but even if it does... heck we move on and learn from it

11:25pm

hpk

i think i need to learn to love myself... i know that sounds mushy gushy...

i think that once i love myself, i'll be able to let myself go. Perhaps it's because i don't feel like i deserve to be happy...

11:26pm

Big A

you don't...you have love...just you don't see it

i don't think its that hpk

I think you feel that you need to prove way to much and that is fear of your limitations

you have all the right tools to let go...just do it

11:28pm

hpk

wow...

serious earth shaking wow Big A

11:29pm

hpk

i'm letting all of this sink in... Really a lot to chew on, but at the same time, it all makes so much sense - you made it make sense to me. how can i thank you? You know, like i had said, you came back into my life at such an important time. You were there to see me through those chaotic changes, i saw you through some as well. It's been a hell of a crazy 5-6 years hasn't it?!

we are learning from eachother - how beautiful is that!?

Perhaps we were related in a past life - or battlefield buddies. Two people fighting the odds together...

11:32pm

Big A

we all have a dark side to us...and that dark side actually is our love that is shinning through our fear...its twised in our minds but it can motivate us to work even harder...its like reverse brain twister

yes maybe

we will always fight the good fight...that what makes us outcasts

11:34pm

Big A

I lived it in its purity up in the north village...I spoke out for the people who did fear themselves to speak out and I paid for it dearly....

11:35pm

hpk

i remember that... so so true...

11:35pm

Big A

but like I told them...if I'm an asshole for that....then I'm an asshole then

like*

I'm proud to be an asshole

11:36pm

hpk

You're not an asshole - you are just saying the way it is...

11:36pm

Big A

lots think I had lost my mind...but it had never been clearer

11:36pmgirl

some people like to live shrouded in fear. ha.. i should be one to talk..

11:37pm

Big A

and to most being clear headed is a scarey thing

11:37pm

hpk

yes! We hang onto everything so dearly... even false hopes and ideals...

11:37pm

Big A

seems like everybody is living in a cloud or in there own world

but none are present

11:38pm

hpk

well, the real world can be a scary place

11:38pm

Big A

living in there fear of themselves

what people might think and say

thank you hpk for letting me let go

tell you my fears

and opening up to you....i don't do that much anymore

and that is one reason why Nancy and I are done....not because of Tiana...but we never spoke about what we feared most....ouresleves

11:40pm

hpk

Oh It's my pleasure, and I thank you for listening to me. It means so much that i have a true friend who understands me, won't judge me, and who knows me longer than, well, everybody i now associate with. We have history my friend. Lots of history...

11:

Big A

yes and its not over you poor bastard

11:41pm

hpk

you're a crazy south american bastard...

11:42pm