coffee and cigarettes

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THEY LIKE ME! THEY REALLY LIKE ME!!!

I was bored out of my mind, waiting for the ativan to take effect - slow my mind and loosen my body when I came across this.

Just for kicks, every once and a while I google myself.
And *bonus* - I don't feel the need for a cigarette after doing so!


(you have to scroll down to the end to see the guy's article...)

Eighth Annual Interational Erotic Art Exhibition

Detroit
On February 11th, 2007, Stabler says:
Detroit, Bert's Warehouse Theater, Saturday Night:

The 8th annual Dirty Show saw a large turnout for Saturday night. The venue, Bert's Warehouse Theater, was exactly that, a warehouse turned into a theater, ostensibly owned by a fellow amed Bert.

Erotic art, mixed media, photography, sculpture, video productions, and live burlesque acts were to be had for everyone's viewing pleasure. And there was something for everyone indeed. The mixed age and race crowd were able to view scenes of carnal delights among men and women, men and men, women and women, and combinations of all three. No fetish was left unrepresented, bondage, domination, body modification, and urination abounded in all forms---even walking among the spectators. Two full service cash bars kept inhibitions loose.

Highlights include:

H.R. Giger's xenoerotic art

Len Von Speedcult's lace steelwork sculpture of a headless, tattooed woman "Flaming Woman"

Kathy Slamen's portrait "My Side" an 11x14 print eerily featuring 10" of negative space.

portraits of topless women made out of lego pieces

Spoken word performance by Detroit underground legend Jimmy Doom

"Clit Tube" a phallic tube with triangular openin, upon looking in one was treated to kaleidoscopic pornography films

In all, a pleasurable (read, hedonistic) way to view art as well as debate the question "Art or porn"


Holy F*%K!
I'm in the same company as Gieger!
Too funny.
And just when I was going to retire my camera for good, and get a full time job stuffing handbags in a factory...

stress

stress

akk

my stomach feels like it's housing the cirque du soleil

picking up the mats and frames now.

Business and postcards tomorrow.


Cha-ching
cha-ching! Fly little brown and pink bills* - it's nice and windy outside.
Leave quickly before I change my mind!!


*brown Canadian bill- 100$
* pink Canadian bill- 50$

pix of my bod on the walls of some club in nyc sans clothes?

priceless...

Shadow Walking

Shadow Walking
Originally uploaded by Tomitheos.

This is my good friend Tom. He is taking his cat Nipsy for her last walk. She died yesterday. She was 19 and her health began to deteriorate quickly over the past month.

This image is so bittersweet. I can imagine the pain and sadness that overcomes somebody when the enviable passing of a furry friend because it's happened to me. After those moments that ripped my heart to pieces, I vowed never to get another cat again - because it just hurt too much to say goodbye, but in my house run two 7 year old cats whom I adore. Their death is the furthest thing from my mind right now, even though I know that someday I too will have to say goodbye.

Tom, I weep as I type this. I am so very very sorry for your loss. Nipsy was a gift of love and light, and I am so happy I had a chance to see her, and understand what you meant when you said she was special.

May she rest in peace, and may your pain lessen as each day passes.

coming along

getting more framing done.

And it's costing me a flipping arm and a leg.

some dude in westmount (should have known) was going to charge me 80$ a frame for a 12x16! Mat and glass.
C'est tout.

And he was an arrogant SOB.

I was about to weep away my woes into a tall laté when the colorful sign caught my eye - another framing shop across the street - next to the Starbucks
arc en ciel

which means rainbow in French

and there was a pot of gold inside...

Better prices, better service and better energy.

So I left my babies behind, walked out and took a huge breath -

in goes faith, out goes fear

and I came home to see that my bill for the b.cards and p.cards is going to amount to $500.

YIKES!

but as E said: "How many people do you know have a solo show in NYC?"

True.

A week on a beach in Cuba would have been nice, but unless Castro kicks the communist bucket, that beautiful country will still be around next year.

My tickle tests

It's not that I believe these tests, I just find it amusing to see what a computer program and its tabulations has made of 'me'.


The Classic IQ Test - Word Warrior

What's Your Comfort Zone? Mover 'n' Shaker
What's Your Best Quality? Creative
What Zodiac Sign Should You Be Scorpio
What's Your Sense of Humor? Goofy Humor
How Bright Is Your Aura? White
The 5-Factor IPIP Personality Personable
What's Your Superpower? Communication

do salami on charles

More spam-a-lam-found-prose.


(I'm stressing too much now. I'm supposed to go into work 2mrw and pick up slack that somebody has left stewing for two days... Grrrrr. I won't be very pretty tommorow...)

trauma uncertain
And there appears to be a grown man calling himself 'Boo' in the game ,

Achieve Your Purpose in Life
probable to relieve pain. This is called tolerance to the medicine

Bill says we're out to outlaw Christmas.
Your Ticket to Success

long-term midriff

I will try to update this more often.

ambiguously
incoming

prospect
We won the Cross county by a mile.
After 15 minutes the chairman of the council said, We must erect this sculpture.
But those divisions also cross party lines.
If not, you should probably read it first.

consecrate
incubation period competence
scrappy
rejoicing grunge

Ernesto Mcfarland is digital
below exemplary

Are You Truly Beautiful?
by zero
it is democracy
nauseated because of
rueful

registration roulette
Find the Right Path

Stepping-Stones to Success
you go uncouth
The quicklime on ingrown

New comment on In my ears this week.
characteristic capsules all over the world
indulge vacation conservative

cellulose stockpile
Jesse medication all over the planet!

In logo colombo

do salami on charles
do sports

My graceful exit

My graceful exit
Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty.

I'm going to be very busy over the next few weeks.
I've stressed myself so much that I'm going to the hospital demain - might be walking pneumonia or something else.

These damm ovaries are acting up as well...

I'm hoping it's nothing serious, and if it is, it can be corrected quickly with minimum side effects.

So I will make my graceful exit, and hopefully return refreshed, rejuvinated and another year older, and wiser...

you have earned your wings

now go out and fly...

still

still

sick
worried
weak
God-fearing
paranoid
scared
wanting
confused


still


doubting
lost
hungry
wondering



still


hoping
deciding
expecting
forgiving
deceiving
lying
running
grieving


closed for business
open for business


still bankrupt
still spent
still drained

endless movement and noise can never


still


me

how it all started

in roughly two weeks from now, I'll be having my first solo exhibition in new york city.

my first solo expo - anywhere.
And it happens to be in new york

correction: I made it possible to be in New York...

This was an email I sent to the manager of Madame X, and her reply follows.

I can't believe this is actually going to happen (well, knock on wood and pray like hell).

And just to think, it was a year in October when I made my way to New York for the first time, and when I drove by Madame X (and almost crashed Kit's car in the process...)



Monday, July 24, 2006 12:22 PM

Hi Karen,
I don't know if you got my phone message last week - I had spoken with Amy a little while ago and she told me to speak with you about the logistics of putting on a show - times, space etc. She also mentioned about the 'promotional logistics' to me, which I am totally okay with. That is why I was wondering if you had anything in the spring available - april would be the best (I don't know if I mentioned it to you, but the 4th is my birthday and that would be the most memorable birthday of my life!!!) if it's at all possible, and the other main reason being that it would give me enough time to put together some press kits and promo material to be able to distribute to the local galleries, dealers, papers etc.

I don't want to do a rush job seeing as I want this event to be special, and at this point, my graphic designer is booked up until late October.

I hope you understand where I'm coming from, and that this does not put my potential exhibition in jeopardy :-(

I will be free at the end of the week, so if you would like to contact me during the day, I should be home.

Hope to talk to you soon, and have a great week.

K




Tue, 25 Jul 2006 23:59:32 -0400
K,

I would love to have you do a show at Madame X and next spring would be fine. I do have some concern about the logistics because you are so far away. Would it be possible to speak by phone? (I do not have daily access to my e-mail.) You said you are available later in the week. A good time for me to talk would be this Thursday, late afternoon. Is 2 or 3pm on the 27th good for you? E-mail me your phone number & I can call you then.

If that's not convenient, just send me an e-mail and we'll work out another time.

And don't worry, I do understand where you are coming from. The way I see it, you are a professional who is willing to do the necessary work to make your show memorable. That will hardly jeopardize your having an exhibit with us.

I look forward to hearing from you.

-Karen

And the skies tell me...

Aries forecast for Thursday, March 8, 2007

You may feel as if you are standing at the edge of something new. You could, in fact, begin a most exciting venture now, for you have a good feeling about what is happening and you are ready to play your part. Be as adventurous as you wish. It's time to live outside the constraints of negativity and have yourself some fun.

I feel as if I am standing on the edge of a very high building and I'm about to toss my biscuits.

I'm so stressed right now - the show is going up soon, and the wheels are in motion.
Sent the prints out today to the lab.

(hell - if I can't show myself to the lab technicians, how do I expect to show it to the public?)
well, New York is New York and not the small village this city is.

And old war vet buddy of mine has stepped up to the plate to help me design the postcard/buisness cards. Thank God for my boobalah!

We worked together when I was a medical photographer. We were both abused there, but he is stronger than I am. He's been in that relationship for 10 + years! But then again, they have a really good dental plan and pension...

Off to photoshop some more images and create a press kit.

time to have some more fun!!

Shadows of a film noir...

Sara - shadows of film noir...
Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty.

A teaser from the night at the Leeland hotel in Detroit...

I've been too sick to follow up with part 2 of the story, so I'm adding some pictures to stir the pot...

The ban has been lifted!

and so the ban on my flickr account has been lifted!!!
Yea!!

But why am I not so thrilled?

It's one step into the direction of bowing to the censorship kerfuffle of big brother Yahoo.
People who have been NISPA (not intended suitable in some public areas) means that either they've shown too much breast or butt. Funny, I've seen people who's streams consist of nothing but T&A and nothing has happened to them! Go figure.

Luck of the draw.
There are so many out there, I was just one of the unlucky few.

And go figure - I was one of the whistle blowers - reporting the hard core porn that ran rampant on that site, and that's the thanks I get! NISPA'D!

NISPA'd also means that you're not searchable - if somebody types in my name, they won't be able to find me. I have a general "block' on my stuff.

And why should I care?

I honestly can't give you an answer to that, and I don't even know why I wanted to be un NISPA'd.

This damn cold is clouding my judgment.

Still sick after two weeks - now going onto three.

Time is beginning to tick away - countdown to Madame X exhibition.

Am I nervous?

Holy crap yea.

could not come too soon

I received another testimonial on flickr today.
It will take a few hours for it to go 'live' but had to document the joyous moment here first.

Photography is a self-centered guilty pleasure. Aside from the odd assignment, I often take pictures for myself, and often (well, not too much latley) of myself, but when a photo is able to reach out, strike a chord with somebody, change their life in the most minute way, I feel as if my quest to pursue photography as a life path is not in vain.

which reminds me - the vernisage for the McGill 'diversity' show is tonight. It would have been a good thing for me to be there, talk about my 'blue' series, but I'm still too sick. The farthest I'm going to make it is the medical clinic a few metro stops away. But I'll be able to hang out with the organizers during my lunch break - answer any questions first hand as people walk by: students, profs, workers around the university.

Insomniac_Goddess says: "HPK is a constant inspiration. A keen eye for natural and architectural beauty, the human form, and an ability to render emotion and ring it out of every pixel. Her work is often a reminder that it is the journey, not the destination, that counts. I'm so grateful to have been introduced to her and her work and wish her the best of luck in all her endeavors. Muah! :)"

that really makes my day...

but the sex pistols played on uninterupted while the city behind them slowly burned...

Every once and a while, I indulge myself and post a blurb about my dreams.
Well, this was one for the books...


I was in a big city (or what seemed to look like NYC) in a car with some friends. The sun was shining - noon light's trajectory from the hood of the car into our eyes, the tunes on. All the elements of a successful Sunday road-trip. From the bird's eye view over an open bridge, I watched in the distance as saturated black wads of smoke spewed into the sky. But there were no smoke stacks for miles, so it must mean one thing.

The hum of syllables intermingled with stray musical notes confused me as I tried to grasp the seriousness of what was happening. The driver, busy looking to his shotgun co-pilot, were laughing too hard to even notice the horizon quickly change colors.

Another plume of black squirted from the same spot ahead.

what the fuck?

Turning towards the back seat, the driver witnessed the transformation in the expression on my face. Silence. The music cut out abruptly, followed by a somber voice.

Ladies and gentlemen, there has been a terrorist attack on yet another building in the city.
Deeper silence.

Our breathing became louder than the idling engine...

**
I was working in some Wal-mart/Price Club huge chain buy in bulk kinda place. Walking into this airplane hangar warehouse, the geometric order and patters of perfectly placed product islands was quite overwhelming. It was my first day and I was late, or so I thought.

The back area - employees only, looked like the dressing room of a Broadway play: kaleidoscope costumes busting out of rolling racks, stage hands, makeup artists, actors running in every direction, between, past and into each other.

I walked up to a coat check counter: "this is my first day. Do I have to sign in?"

Some fat woman in a yellow and blue smock, barely covering her belly, shoved a plastic tag into my face, then dumped a pair of roller skates (more like roller shoes) into my chest.

The skates were yellow and blue, just like her smock, but had the Adidas signature side stripes on the side. I tied up the laces, tested my balance and began to skate around the chaos, into the hallway and out past the pyramid of Life cereal, to the center of the store.

Somehow I managed to find a back way, which led me down a long narrow cement walled corridor. Staff whisked by, occasionally bumping into me without saying a word. There were drilling sounds coming from the distance. Hardware section? The closer I got to what seemed to be an opening of sorts, the clearer the brays and moos became.

Men in hounds-tooth plaid hunting jackets crossed my path, some looking haggard, some of their faces splattered in blood. The dampness of hot blood seeped beneath my clothes. This was a slaughterhouse, right underneath the supermarket, and as if pulled by gravity, I was heading right towards it.

The wheels of my skates stopped rolling as they hit a pool of dried blood. Standing at the intersection of a busy hallway, I looked in all four directions. Behind me, my original point of entry - a serpentine cement maze where light disappeared into. Ahead of me - a small closed window 6 feet from the ground where the only rays of sunlight spilled through. To the left, the dark and noisy pit of the killing room, and then to the right, the mechanical chaos of organized supermarket industrialization.

My curiosity pulled me into the darkness - drawn to the bare bulb that faintly lit the rest of the obscure space. A man came out in a black rubber smock, hands filled with pieces of steaming pink flesh. The blood glowed against the slick surface of his waist.

You don't want to go in there.

His face was solemn. Years of killing had worn away the color of his face, yet there was a soft melancholy sadness to his eyes.

Trust me

he showed me a two-way door that flapped open and shut: one side, smeared in finger paint like streaks of blood, the other, pristine hospital white. Just as I walked through to the other side, behind me, the last helpless cry of a baby lamb as its throat was slit was drowned out by the gurgling sounds of a chainsaw blade through flesh.


***
I was sitting in my living room, in my old apartment near the market. The summer Sunday hum of shoppers and merchants was a welcome element. Bob and Denise sat on the couch, telling me about their plan to elope.

"but bob - for the longest time, you told everybody that you had committed suicide. How could you have lied to us? Lied to me?"

Silent, he looked at me over the rim of his glasses and stared. "He had to - nobody would have understood him otherwise". Denise caressed his cheek, forcing him to break his stare. They looked lovingly into each other's eyes.

But I was so sad for so long...

Bob seemed to understand, almost apologizing, lowering his head.

I got up to make some tea, when something in the sky began to change. The same thick woolen blackness that covered the city after the attack now slowly seeped into the corner of my view of the skyline.

not again...


Our neighbours had been notorious for throwing wild parties that dragged past the night into the morning, and the beginning twangs of electric guitars had the makings of another one. Looking out onto my back balcony, I saw about a dozen young men and women, dressed in black, paler than the living dead, dog collars, smoking cheap cigarettes, holding 40 ouncers of Jack and Johnny. But something was different this time.

With their backs to me, two guitarist began to play. The first few notes of Anarchy in the UK rumbled from the amps pointing in my direction. It was them: Johnny, Steve, Paul and Sid. On my neighbour's balcony! Even in my dreams, I'm still a photographer - running to my bedroom to pick up my camera to document this event!

Zoom in - over the shoulder to Sid. Strung out as usual, precariously perched on the metal railing, standing in front on Morticia Adams - marvelously morose, all in black.

Since when did the Adams family become my neighbours, and have parties on their balconies? With the Sex Pistols?!?

I was distracted by a heavy fabric of smoke, making its way over the city like a languid magic carpet, blotting out the spectacular ochre sunset that I had come to enjoy from my kitchen window.

but the sex pistols played on uninterrupted while the city behind them slowly burned...

sparkle

sparkle
Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty.

Okay, I lied. This is one of my favourite shots I've taken in a long time. A fleeting synchronous moment when all the elements coalese instantaneously and magic is created.

I snapped the shutter just as her flash was begining to fire.

This image could not be reproduced if we tried.

I think I'll stick with this photography thing for a while longer...

fine tuning

fine tuning
Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty.

I'm finally getting through some shots that I took of Stephanie during our first night in Detroit.

She was actually composing a self-portrait and putting on the timer to take her shot

I think this is one of my favourite photos that I've taken in a long time...

Konichiwa Detroit

The first night was so strange in fact, that Thelma and Louise went back to their hotel and made some photographic history themselves.

Little did they know that night two would be even more interesting than the first...

a night in detroit - part one of a number that I have'nt decided upon yet...

I'm going to tell you about my Detroit trip in bits and pieces. My stuffy head and post-nasal drip keep me from typing at an even keel, so this writer will do what she can with the amount of energy she has at the present moment to begin the story...

It was a total fluke that I got my pieces into Dirty Detroit.
Not just one photo, but two!

The news came a day after Bruce from SEAF called me. He loved my merchandise so much last year, that he "absolutely without a doubt wanted more items" for his store this year.

pleased as punch was I

Although I didn't get into SEAF 07, I wasn't too surprised or disappointed.
One less trip to Seattle

How odd that a year later, this stuff is just starting to sink in. The realization that my art is out there for people to see - and in the U.S of all places!

shunned by her fellow Canadians, erotic photographer turns her sights south of the border for exposure...

Almost a year to this day, my photo was being hung at the largest Erotic art festival in North America, and was also chosen to be showcased during auction night (and due to a administrative glitch, was supposed to receive the Jury Pick of the Auction , but didn't) - but just the mere fact that my shit was there still blows my mind.




In keeping with my title of Ms. Procrastination, I missed the Dirty Detroit deadline by a few days, but decided that I had nothing to lose with an apologetic email as to why I was late, with my bio, artistic blurb, and two pictures. Closed my eyes, clicked send and hoped for the best.

An email from the festival arrived the next day.

Oh, another 'thanks for sending your stuff but you're too late Chuck!" went through my mind, but it was in fact, an personal note from the organizer saying how much they loved my stuff and congrats! I was in the show!



Had you asked me a year ago if I ever thought I'd be hauling my ass out to Seattle last minute for a show, my response would have fallen along the lines of: "You gotta be kidding me? What's there to see in Seattle besides the Space Needle?" but there I was , 365 days later, on a plane to Washington state.


Experience has taught me to roll with the punches and hop on the planes of fate whenever they fly by, whichever direction they fly me to.


This year was motor city - Detroit


A little background to this story:

Stephanie and I had been flickr buddies for almost two years, admiring each other's work and building our own little network of "women who use photography/self-portraiture as healing". Trish was woman #3.

As with all my latest developments, I posted the news that my images (on flickr) were off to Detroit. The next day, another surprise email:

"if you could make it half-way, would a lift there and back sound like a plan to you?"

Detroit?
(and in my best Linda Richmond voice)
Bubbalah? Who knew?!

Steph was offering a ride down and split the cost of gas and Hotel. From where she lived, the trip was a mere 4 hours, and would give her the opportunity to take a much needed break from her work, the chance to see the show and the opportunity to meet Trish who's work we had come to admire.

"all passengers now boarding for Detroit - a trip/experience of a lifetime in the making..."

The next morning, I traded in my casual 9 t0 5 for panic/express mode:
#1 rush print images to lab
#2 find frames and mats
#3 cut mats and then assemble frames
#4 rush to UPS store 4 packing and shipping (I didn't have much time to prepare beforehand because I had to send it ''non rush' - 3-5 days. The $170+ for overnight service was the cost of my buss ticket!)
#5 and then make plans for trip.


My 35th birthday was a turning point for me in many ways, and one of the most important life lessons I learned was without a doubt - trusting my instincts.

You have to take a leap and know that a net will always appear

That now famous line which Samantha Jones shared with Carrie Bradshaw


Well, the results speak for themselves: Cuba, New York City expositions # 1 through 3, my runaway hit play -Sex and La Cité, Seattle, Madame X - my first solo exhibition in April in NYC.

...
...

Holy Crap! That's next month!!!!!

None of these things would have been possible had I not trusted life, and Detroit was no exception. Embracing all the possibilities of this trip, and that fate would take me on some interesting adventures, I surrendered to the universe, because most of the fun happens when you're least expecting it.

Well, this was the creme de la creme of adventures...

in a nutshell:

1) got to steph's after a grueling 8 hour buss ride (can somebody please toss me a grenade to swallow?)
2) slept well and got ready to roll early the following am
3) barreled through Windsor Ontario ( I'll take a side of broken glass with that grenade please...) and had an awkward time explaining to the border guard what we were there for
4) set up shop in some oddly angular hotel with a slanted elevator and hallucinogenic rainbow puke carpets.


Now comes the fun part...

The same day I got the news that my photos had been accepted into the show, curiosity led me to check out the list of visiting artists (the outa my league competition). Some names which looked familiar were photographers from last year's SEAF, and then completely at random, I clicked on the name James Graham , went to his site, was floored by his shit, and decided to email him on the odd chance that he'd be in Detroit for the show.

Well, he would be

Flash forward to Friday night. Arriving fashionably late to the fest, Steph and I began to scout the territory when I was stopped by a handsome gentlemen with great hair and piercing blue eyes waving an inquisitive index finger in my direction.

"I know you! Kathy, right?

(In a thick southern twang: "dear sir, you must be mistaken" , replied Scarlet O'hara ..)

But I wasn't as eloquent...

"Excuse me?"

Turns out it was James Graham - the man himself. Still frazzled from the flight, he was meeting up with some friends, and on his way to check out his latest works being featured on the noteworthy Tashchen wall of fame.

These two ladies from Canada were impressed.

Then we met Chip Willis

and were impressed again.

I can honestly speak on behalf of Steph when I say that we never thought our excursion to this art show would amount to anything more than looking at pretty pictures of naked people doing nasty things, and watching people looking at my work. But there we were - hanging out with two great guys/amazing photographers, in a warehouse full of erotica somewhere in Downtown Detroit.

Truth is indeed stranger than fiction.

the pole jiggleos.

shit...

It was one of those rare instances (rare as of lately - too many things to start/finish/sort/find) when I was able to sit down and just write. Write like I used to. Back in the "sex and la cité" days. Way back when I began this silly blog.

I was on a roll

and then i had to venture out of my creative bubble to find it

and now that I can't find it, it's driving me nuts!

***

I was listening to some really old 80's new wave (that sounds so funny to actually say) when one song in particular yanked my old bones back 23 years.

Fire Woman by the Cult

and there I was with V, swinging like amazon babes from the pole - a good two feet above the heads of the other dancers, shaking our thangs, letting the hair down, showing lotsa leg...

The hottest club at the time had a pole in the center of the dance floor. But not an ordinary pole - one of those trapeze perch - type poles.

and we danced on it
Often.
And created many a sexy spectacle
and loved every minute of it

Fire woman was one of those most memorable songs.
The perfect "pole" song

All of our friends would refer to the strange apparatus as: 'the pole'

are you going to dance on 'the pole'?
did you see who was on the pole?
That dirty bitched knocked me off the pole and is gonna get her head kicked in by my Texas boot...

a thing of great mystery and wondrous power that pole was

So great in fact, that I composed an ode to the pole called, you guessed it - the pole jiggleos.

and now I can't find that paper anywhere in the house!

So here I am, stuck between a half churned story and a cold pot of almond tea. Will my evening will be spent on the hunt for this elusive piece of poetry - just because the story just wont be the same without it!?

wish me luck


and Sanj - there is a place in Marché Centrale that serves breakfast/brunch (right near the cineplex/roasters) and on the menu is "Creme Bruleé a la Grand Marnier" !!!!!
I've been too stuffed with cretons and les feves to try it, but when I do (or you beat me to the punch) you'll hear about it via email...

;-)

A reply to how artistis feel about posting images of themselves...

A reply from an artist as to how artists feel about posting images of themselves

It *does* make sense. It's one thing to show work that, though it may *feel* personal, can't feel that way to the audience (I did that last year). It's entirely another to show work that, whether it *feels* personal at not, can't help but feel that way to the audience -- and for that to be an audience who also see *you*.

We're the lucky ones, though: we already know that people like and respond to and respect our work, and that they respect us as a consequence. I think it's a pretty safe assumption that the same will be true of the people in our "real" lives, the ones who know us before/elsewhere -- even if they'll do a real double take at first.

What my question was to her...

Speaking of which - I'm taking a bold step by putting up three of my blue series images here at the university. There was this call for art entries - "social diversity and equity department" - the diversity of the university. Well, they liked what they saw and told me that my stuff was interesting enough to put in.

this is my blurb to attach to the images:

What you see here is real...

These are self-portraits taken in my bathroom - exploring the depths and darkness of despair, anxiety, fear and mania.

As an artist, it's become my mission to share my experiences as someone who lives with manic depression. For many years, it has been my demon, my poison, my worst nightmare come true, but over time, I have managed to find an outlet, a translation from that foreign language into visual poetry which is meant to both heal and inspire...

this art fest is about diversity : "By seeking ways to uncover the complexity of our unique community, we can gain a deeper appreciation of our many personal differences..."

I'm feeling a little vulnerable about posting these - in the hallway between two libraries. Lots of traffic - profs and students by the hundreds on a daily basis. Perhaps it's because it's on my home turf. Perhaps it's because I know that it will be seen as something 'out of the ordinary' - depression in all its faces.

I don't know.

When it was on flickr - I was a name to many, but to a select few, an actual person behind the name. There is a safety zone between the viewer and myself - but here, there isn't really.

I guess it's about putting it all out there. We have all felt that and I guess, will continue to do so as long as we decide to show our art, show who we are through our art.

does that make sense?

Late Saturday night at the Leeland...

Late Saturday night at the Leeland...
Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty.

(Too lazy to write a new blurb, so this was taken from Flickr...)

Through a series of really strange series coincidences, I randomly followed a link from the Dirty Detroit Arts festival, picked a photographer who’s name sounded catchy - James Graham (an invited artist), met him Friday, and was then introduced to Chip Willis (another photog – both he and James have their pieces in the new upcoming Taschen Erotic art book) and the rest is history! I can’t remember the last time I had so much fun running around a hotel with three other photographers and a nude model at 4 in the morning!

This is just a teaser for the series which I think is some of my best “photojournalistic work” in a long time…

AND ONE MORE THING!!!

delightful!!!

my photos are getting a lot of milage latley!

Just got the confirmation that this dueling duo is going over to another Dertoit show called Cpop and their Artists Showcase!

Alrighta

And I thought I was going to be able to take these babies to New York for Madame X!

Crazy ass shit.

Did I not say that I knew this was going to be a rock and roll year?
Must read back posts to see if I won my own bet...

Dirty Detroit - the story begins...

I'm experiencing the ripple effect from this Dirty Detroit show - I linked on one person, met him and met another person, and so on, and so on...

And I'm loving this strange thing called kismet, synchronicity, life in motion.

Time to begin to document these strange goings on again...

And I'll do so, piece by piece. My inspiration stems from a few other photographers who manage to keep a successful day job and write on the side for pleasure (or is it just the allure of the purgative qualities of rambling to oneself?).

I used to be vigilant about my daily entries - time to start again.

It's been hell writing everything in those teeny-tiny Moleskine books.

Hip, bohemian - yes. Practical for the motor mouth/run on sentence kinda gal like me? Not really.

But watching me try to scribble my whole crazy Detroit Erotic Rock City escapades into one volume?

priceless.

So I'll post the images and top up with the comments later.

#1. "this is neither 'not an exit" or "not an exit" - discuss.

pretty funny me

Sometimes I find myself chuckling at my own sense of humour.
I think I'm pretty funny.

Well, I did write that Sex and La Cité play - it was quite brilliant.
Carrie's Manolo Blahnik - she calls them Manolo Blankies :

I can't go anywhere without my security blankies...

And oh how I laughed when I wrote that - and oh how I wished my eyes weren't so heavy and eyes burning so red from lack of sleep.

but it turned out well. Except for the sequel - the cheap "knockoff"
At least I'm a legend in my own living room

My yahoo emails end with this quote:

"To attract men I wear a perfume called 'new car interior.'"
--comedian Rita Rudner

And oh how I laughed when I read that - it was one of those funnies that stick in your head for hours, every once and a while, returning for a chuckle jolt. I'm convinced that homeless people who roam the streets laughing to themselves are the ones on the inside track of an obscure joke.

Pause...

I wonder if there is a perfume called 'New car interior", and if "mamma bravo's meatball spaghetti sauce" is available in eau du toilette (see Sex and la cité - act 6: Gino's basement apartment of his parents duplex in Chomedy, Laval)

other memorable little one liners I've culled from the email archives:


" Did I freak you out? I have a tendency to do that. Perhaps it's my way of testing people's 'durability' or "kathy-bility" "

"I really enjoy the good moods and feeling of creativity, but hate the feeling that I'm a car wreck waiting to happen. I'm trying to find the balance in between a balance that is precariously perched on the top of a capsule marked "eli lilly"..."

"It seems that when I open my mouth during these trying times, not only do i put my whole foot in it, I put the whole shoe store and all their franchises!"

"Please know I'm not trying to be a crotchety old horny coot - but those shots are truly inspirational..."

(said with a Bronx Italian accent)
Me, I, think I'm pretty funny me...

Dirty, run down, crazy ass Detroit...

I am still trying to recoup the energy that was expended from the weekend.
And let me tell you - it ranks up there in intensity and freakyness with that first week in NYC.

what a memorable time it was...

I have so much to post - tried keeping a little journal filled with notes and antidotes which were scrawled down at 4am, after a night of photography and shuttling back and forth on the people mover.

Ahh - the people mover - that's a whole other story - along with more surreal and amusing stories I have to share.

Lu and I knew it was going to be an interesting ride when we saw the reaction of the custom's agent who became intrigued and puzzled as we tried to explain how my photos were in an art show called "Dirty Detroit".

It's an erotic art festival.
Neurotic arts festival?*
No - erotic.
So what kind of erotic photos do you take?



How do you explain this to a very large black man wearing an official blue uniform, who's holding your passport while sitting in a huge (and I mean gargantuan) indigo/black station wagon with tinted windows, next to the dead ringer for Patty Smith (except lu didn't smell...)

* neurotic? I guess in a way it was...

moving people.

.moving people.
Originally uploaded by ŧĒđĠūŸ®.

This is such a beautiful view from the People Mover.
Stephanie and I spent about 1/2 hour riding around on it through Detroit - that equals about 4 times around the city in total...

charlies angels

gang
Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty.

Three women, two wigs in one hotel room.
The result was magic.

I made two very special friends that weekend, and my life was changed forever - and became blessed.

(more to come when I get back home)

getting ready

I really should be getting ready to head out on my road trip. But needless to say, and so true to my nature, I'm leaving everything till almost last minute. I've been feeling reeeallly crappy and trying to keep my head from exploding as he passing rumble of anxiety shake my brain soup.

I had to laugh - A told me that her pharmacist was giving her 'tude cause she needed a refill her meds.
"I thought I had an extra refill, and told her that I would get in touch with my doctor tomorrow, but she was being a real twat about it and said that she couldn't give it to me and had to wait for the doctor to call the pharmacy to renew the prescription. Now I'm bouncing off the walls and sliding down again cause I need those pills. Not a pretty sight."

this dude is so disorganized, he didn't even realize that he started me on 15mg, and then switched me to 10mg. No fucken wonder I was wired so tightly last week.

Ping! Poing!

Too much camera equipment and too many fancy shoes.
It all looks good and seem like things I'm gonna need.
I told Lu my sizes, just in case we are both a size 8 and need to swap clothes/shoes when we're down there. Not so lucky camera wise.
Nikon and Canon don't mix well...

oh, and as the medication turns...

Latest issue...

My withdrawl from Welbutrin is another test of my endurance for pain. I halved the dosage as suggested by my phd, to which the side effects (according to him) would be minimal, and have been in such incredible pain, I am actually thinking of going into the hospital to ask for some monster pain killers.

I mean pain - take a step, and feel every join in your body explode with pain, every muscle tearing with tension. Raw deep ugly pain. The whole weekend was spent lying in bed, crying. When I wasn't crying, I was sleeping off what seemed to be the worst flu I've had in decades.

then i went on the net

God bless the internet.

(and what troubled me, is the absence of his blue book - the bible of medications which all doctors have in their office - a piece of furniture, except his. That should have sent the warning sirens off.)

and there it was - in bold: severe flu like symptoms, body and muscle aches, fatigue, restlessness, nausea, diarrhea.

And there were all the symptoms that plagued me - phantom no more.

So I called him yesterday, explaining what was going on, almost pleading with him to go back to the dose I was before.

well, I don't think it's wise to put you back on a medication that made you manic
yes, I agree, but if you remember correctly, I told you that I was also pmsing - which makes any moment in my life a manic moment. That week is hell for me regardless!
regardless, that's not something I want to do.
well, I am leaving Montreal for a week, will be in Detroit and meeting people on buisness, I can't afford to be in pain 24 hours a day, and feel wiped out or like the walking dead. I knew that these withdrawl symptoms would be bad.
How about you wait a few days and call me back
I don't have a few days to play around with my system
I don't want to put you on something that made you manic
I KNOW MY BODY. I CAN BREATHE THROUGH A MANIC MOMENT. YOU WERE MY CBT DOCTOR - YOU GAVE ME THE TOOLS TO BE ABLE TO WORK OUT THOSE THINGS. I WOULD RATHER BE MANIC FOR A MOMENT THAN BE IN SO MUCH PAIN THAT EVERY STEP I TAKE MAKES ME WINCE AND TEAR UP.
...

well, why don't you call me on Wednesday and we'll see...

I almost broke the phone in half, but promptly called my previous doctor who actually had 20 years experience over this newly graduated doc ( I had my sources check this out) and beleived in listening to me and finding alternatives that were in my best interest.

So as I sit here typing this, my fingers are cramping and back is aching so much that I will have to lie down once again until the sharp stabbing pain that pulses through my muscles and joints pass.

fucken dolt.

playwrights, dreamers, poets, and spiritual pioneers...

Not that I take this stuff seriously, not that I think that these things will come true; but I do get a kick out of the timing of these things - especially since I will be leaving for T.O on Thursday, then Detroit on Friday till Sunday, meeting with a whole new batch of flickr people at a huge art event which will bring together all kinds of crazy, off the wall, deviants and mystics under one roof...

Power of the Unseen Mars in your career zone is trying to create tangible and measurable results, but you may also find yourself pitted against forces that seem to be beyond your present control. Mercury, Venus, and Uranus all are in your twelfth and spiritual zone, which is going to bring events out of the blue.

You may find your dreams to be very vivid and that inspiration and revelation become your constant companions. It is also possible that you could be working out some karma in one way or another, and you will sense when this is happening. There is a lot of mystical energy that is working through you and encouraging you to think about who you are and where you are going.

Jupiter in Sagittarius is encouraging you to venture forth and learn more about yourself by traveling in consciousness as well as going on long journeys.

Expect to meet people who may have a very non-materialistic agenda, especially on Thursday when the Sun conjuncts Neptune in your social zone. You could hook up with artists, playwrights, dreamers, poets, and spiritual pioneers. Although you may not succeed in getting a lot of practical work done you will harvest some fabulous ideas.

uncontrollably hallelujah

Now some of this spam shit is just getting stupid, and why all of those references to the bible? Hello?!

I've been keeping the good ones and delting the bad - but some of these just stuck.

I don't know why Jane Powell's Daily meditations always go to spam - some of them are a bit bla bla bla, but I kept this one because it just fit.

And after I read it, I had an "uncontrollably hallelujah" moment.



I don't approve of any of my actions or any of the words that came out of my mouth

indoor minivan

Jane Powell
Your Daily Meditation - Why You're So Unique

uncontrollably hallelujah

LU

LU
Originally uploaded by pooyan.

I'm gonna meet her when I go to Toronto and we're gonna take a road trip to Detroit together.

This is gonna rock and roll...

Rest Not

Rest Not (square this time)
Originally uploaded by ♥Rebecca♥.

I met ♥Rebecca♥ years ago - we were fellow bloggers back in the day, and apparenlty it was I who turned her onto flickr.com.

This was the first image to be displayed when I opened my flickr page.

And oh what a fitting image and quote.

Thank you so very much ♥Rebecca♥.

I hope that one day you will have an idea as to just how important seeing this image right now has done for me...

thank you

Get well and don't go on any manic spending sprees...

This is just too much.

Speaking of bi-polar...

How would you preface sending this card?

Hope they take those restraints off you in time for Valentines's Day!

or

Get well and don't go on any manic spending sprees!!

I'm just calling it moi

I think I'm just gonna call this blog

moi

short
sweet
can be said in one word
in one grunt or moan

and hell, it's all about me anyway.

and as if Nora Ephron will ever read this...

more meds please!

We can increase your lamictal and keep you on the welbutrin and prozac

he says as he begins to fill out another prescription with a swanky cushy ergonomic pen with the name WELBUTRIN plastered across it...

I don't want to increase anything, I just want to decrease - no more adding meds. I think my body is fucked up enough, don't need to add to the mix.

Scrap me off the ceiling with a spatula and scramble me up for dinner - i'm all over the map, but I must say, some of my most interesting work has come from this time.


It's not hard to see why great artists lose their minds.

I look into that abyss with my camera each time I take it out for a spin...

on the cusp of a manic monday

Hmm
Why do I write?

Why do I write in this blog?
continue to do so even though not many (if any) read it?

I don't know.
And now that I'm beginning to peak again on these stupid meds, I find that this is the only therapy I have to let my fingers do the walking, and keep me out of trouble.

Was all over the map today.
Serious shit.

I knew that the PMS monster was around the corner, but now she has teeth.

I had to take a trazadone to calm me down. It worked alright. Almost put me to sleep. And not the good kind either - a 'feel hazy sick with a flu' sleepiness that weighs heavy on a body and mind that is ready to rumba.

Then I began to cry.

I have no clue - it just came pouring out while I was sending a 'thanks for contacting me" email to a friend of mine.

Then I had dinner.

Then I got even more anxious

then I watched America's funnies videos - had a laugh which I really needed, then went back to this stinking piece of machinery which lures me in until all hours of the night.

Addiction addiction
attention deficit disorder
shapes, colors, sounds

one big gigantic cerebral mishmash - very fattening indeed.

I am most upset by those two wenches who are relentless in their steadfastness that they are the sole creators of "sex and la cité". ShowBusiness breeds contempt and, in their case, stupidity and egomania.

It's sad because I really thought that we had a comedic chemistry which would bring us to great theatrical and sit-com heights.

Now I have to start all over again.
...

But at least I know that I'm the one with the writing prowess.
You can't base a successful movie or theater piece on one liners alone.

well, yes you can, but I refuse to pander or entertain people who have an I.Q less than a paper bag.


shitty shit shit.

And I don't care if you read this.
Good on you.
Maybe you will pick up some tips on how actually write something!

and another thing...

She

She
Originally uploaded by tabu.

I can relate so well to this image, especially now.
During this time in my life...

I think back to when I was in Cuba, and in the January warm tropical mist from the ocean, I danced under the light of the full moon, reaching into my tribal self, expressing my longings to be one with the chaos of nature.

She stands strong, wind blowing her clothes away from her body, her hair disobeying their natural direction, but she stands stoic, amidst the chaos of nature.

It is a part of her, it surrounds her, but she does not move.


thank you Tabu.

Not only are you a gifted photographer, you are a soul who's visions can move me to tears.

Free fall into falling

Free fall into falling
Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty.

My horoscope for today...

"You may be afraid of the uncertainty you are feeling, yet this is a chance for you to push past your comfortable emotional limits. You might be able to get the support of your friends and associates, but you should be advised that everything is not as it seems. Trust your own judgment over the words of others, unless, that is, they are singing you love songs."

Interesting thing about the taking chances to push past uncomfortable feelings.

I think these photos in this series is a good thing...

Animal Farm - the movie

This is how I imagined the "Animal Farm" by George Orwell would look like if it were a movie.

Freaked the living daylights out of me.

Then again, I should have not been reading that stuff at ten years old...

PRIZED
Originally uploaded by juliann L.

Her light - revisited

Her light - revisited
Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty.

If you asked me last year where I thought I would be next year, I would have shaken my head and said : "I hope someplace better than now..."

And here we are - 2007 and I'm leaving to Detroit to visit some flickr friends, and be a part of an art festival that has accepted two of my pieces.

Fingers and toes crossed that this is the starting of something big and wonderful!

Renaming her...

I want to rename my blog

I've been reading Nora Ephron's latest book: I Feel Bad About My Neck and other thoughts on being a woman..." and it's changing the way I feel about writing this - my autobiographical life in cyberspace...

So I will be calling it "a blog for Nora".
Besides, I think that she might be flattered if this blog ever does become 'famous' and hopefully not sue me, as the institution of Seinfeld might, if in fact, what was my old blog became famous...

I have been blessed in this life because all the memories of women - past and present

I have been lucky because the women in my life were strong intelligent and wonderful. Perhaps it's the Slovak gene which prepared my ancestors for hard work in the fields, many children and the pioneering spirit which led a generation to North America, or a mixture of their steadfast ability to endure the elements, cultural and language barriers they encountered when they settled here

While reading Nora's book, I realized that her words could as easily become mine in 15 years. The quest for youth, and then the comfortable acceptance that age is a good thing:makes you wiser, bolder, and in a different way, more attractive. A self acceptance which, at the age of 20, seems oddly bewildering and elusive.

I hope to meet Nora one day - perhaps over a latte at Starbucks, exchanging stories about the 'tumultuous twenties', the 'dirty thirties" and what lies ahead for us as women who look toward the future with grace and self-assurance, and the satisfaction that - baby - we've come a long way and we've done it with an iron fist in a velvet glove...

This book is quickly becoming an inspiration, a tool of stimulation for my writer's block. The poet in me is optimistic that I will be able to find the right words, the right beat to string together sentences that flow as effortlessly as hers do. The realist in me says: if she can do it, hell - so can you.

She too was once a woman in her thirties, on the cusp of her forties...

So here I sit, on my day off, fending off a nasty cold, post nasal drip, Cubano tropicalissimo musico filling my empty front room (soon to be photo studio) and look to the future with hope and a big dollop of confidence.

The corners of my mouth lift up ever so slightly as I think about my upcoming exposition in April...

In New York City -
In Chelsea -
In a bar/lounge called Madame X

and then hear Frank Sinatra croon:

"if you can make it there, you can make it anywhere..."

Thanks Nora

and did I mention?

did I mention that the silly sequel to my play that I penned is going on at the centaur this week?

I sent a cease and desist order to the women, and the theater company, but they went on with it regardless.

Feeling quite stupid and powerless to do anything about it except scream and weep.

I've used this anaology before, but my baby has been stolen by a band of raving peri-menopausal women who've turned her into a crack whore....

Is there such a thing as Karma?

Who said that there was...

urgh

a letter to a friend unedited and unplugged

A letter to a friend - unedited and unplugged...

Gawd.
I'm sorry to have sent you such a desperate email lastnight.

Actually - I was ready to call you - I was up, restless and could not sleep. Those fucken highs... And to top it all off, the meds that bring me downfrom the highs -trazadone, gives me these disturbing dreams. I can't complain - my dream was with that "dr.goodlooking' or whatshisname on Grey's anatomy? Well, he was thinking of marrying me - we spent a wonderful whirwind day together after trying to take shelter in a weird warehouse/office/photostudio from some approaching tornadoes. The sky was beautiful - indigo and mauve clouds across a blue blue mountianous horizon - there were tiny funnels everwhere, and every time I thought one was coming, it turned out to miss us by a hair, a few feet, tops.

There was a pregnant woman there too - and we hid behind furniuture - weird,..

So this doctor dude and I...

I was taking a shower, and he tried to get sexy with me, but told him"I have to wait till we are more serious" and he was all sweet saying that was not was he was after, and that he just really liked me..

I remember looking out his bathroom window and seeing a beautiful sea of crystal clear turquise waters - calm and warm, and thought to myself - "this is perfection..."

What do you make of this dream my dear?

Sometimes I think I'm on the way to getting my life in order and making all my dreams come true, and sometimes, it feels as if the nighmare is just begining...

When I was 35 I hoped that 36 would be better... Now, I'm on the cusp of 39, and I'm running out of numbers to hang hopes on.

I hate being a slave to my biology - and that's what happens fron time to time.
My bipolar is my mental cancer - you can treat it, stop it frrom spreading, even remove it - but the traces of toxic resude are always there - waiting, sleeping - and you're never sure when they are going to come back to haunt again.

sorry for the rant my dear. I know you understand me on so many levels, but don'tworry, I'm not looking for fixing, just listening.

brain shivers

brain shivers
Originally uploaded by inez fili.

I don't think anybody has come closer than this in their description of one side effect Effexor is known for - brain shivers.

Imagine your brain is two sizes smaller than your skull.
Imagine your skull is filled with water.

Now jump around for 5 minutes, then stop. Then spin yourself around until you get very dizzy.

then stop.

These are brain shivers

Thank you so very much inez fili

both this image and you are brilliant

she couldn't lift her head from all the holiday excitement.

she couldn't lift her head from all the holiday excitement.
Originally uploaded by lynnie the pooh!.

Yea, that was totall me when I got back from New York city Sunday night!!!

giant shrimp of my dream

giant shrimp
Originally uploaded by erin_designr.

Go figure, the first dream I have in 2007 has to be about something I'm allergic to.

I was at the doc to this fishmarket (I guess it was some residue from my seattle visit) and there were these giant shrimps being pulled out of the water, onto the doc by these fishermen. A woman I was with told me: "Oh, these are the giant shrimp. They're actually quite delicious", and then proceeded to watch some husky romanian boxer type stick his hand in the middle of this 'thing' and gut it out.

I was horrified, but then again, the idea of eating something that was once my size freaked me out even more.


Could it have been the cheap booze?

Well, happy new year!