Deathwatch

My mom got a call from my cousin a few hours ago - my aunt is too sick to be on daily chemo because her WBC is almost non existent. Apparently she is confused and tired all the time.

I don't even want to think about what my poor cousin must be going through - they were almost fused at the hip. This will crush her. I am so sad for her and for her mother. I can't even imagine what they are going through.

I will miss her.

I ended up walking to the park this afternoon and found a spot where i used to feed the ducks and wept my eyes out - probably will be the last time I will feed them until next spring.

The city uprooted all the flowers and took away all the benches - everything looks like a preparation for a funeral. What a stark contrast to the memories of blooming colors and chirping birds everywhere, the sweet smell of pine cones hanging heavy in the humid summer afternoon air.

I will miss it.

I used to think that February was my worst month - grey, bleak, everything is still sleeping underneath the snow, but I have to say it's late October/early November.

Everything is dying, returning to its roots.
Preparing for a big sleep.

So now we wait.