and that's 200$ please

"the visit is covered by medicare, but that's another 200$ for your next ultrasound of the breast tissue..."

200$ for the follow up ultrasound from last year's 2nd biggest scare (first, the precancerous cells on the cervix, lump in breast tissue, a close 2nd, but not by much)

waited 3 hours for my GP today. Was in tears when I saw her.

The pain, unbearable.

Spoke with the nurse there, told her my symptoms. She was from Syria and trained to be a doctor (women's health) but decided to become a nurse instead.

We both theorized what this could be. We both ran down the symptoms. We were both perplexed.

"and all the ultrasounds and MRI and CT scans found nothing?"

I was used to saying this.

"no no no - nothing at all"

"But you are in so much pain. Your blood pressure is up. It's obvious you are suffering a great deal."

"heavy narcotics help, but only so much..."

"I hope they find out what this is."

me too...

Breast doc next week.

G-scope in two mondays, and then surgery two days after that.

Must remember to take the paper that says I'm "a bleeder". Don't want a repeat of the last surgery where i needed 4 pints of blood to stabilize me.

I should bank my blood. Get some cash to pay my medical bills.

Wait a minute, I can't sell it. I have Von Wilderbrand's disease.

It would be so very fucken nice to be healthy, and to have money to pay for all this care...

exhaustion...

geeze.
Can't spell anymore...


well, spoke with the doc's secretary. Surgery scheduled sometime during the last week of the month. G-scope same week. I'm aiming for that golden bedpan - frequent flyer miles except this one is for hospital visits.

The last scope revealed nothing. The gastro doc had mentioned that I should see a urologist to cover all my bases. What's next? Heart? Lung? Brain?

Ouf. Just should have a scan done of the whole body. That's it, that's all.

Seeing the breast doc in two weeks to address the lump issue.
Psych doc will just have to wait. Unless i have a meltdown before then. Fingers crossed that it does not happen...


What is keeping my spirit up is the hope that I will be well enough to visit my family in B.C. And if things go well, E will be heading down to California for work, so that means I could hitch a ride with him. It won't be in L.A, but close enough to the shore for me to enjoy it. Just hope to GOD that it does not slide into the water while i'm there. With my luck, it might...

And also have been looking at images from the tourist videos of New Brunswick. Every time i watch this, it brings tears to my eyes. The sheer beauty is something that I want to experience in person before I die.

E is on board with me on this, but thinks that we will have to do it next year (hoping he will get some sort of raise, because after 6 years of nothing, we are getting pretty desperate. No money in the bank at all. Zero. Living from paycheck to paycheck) also because to hike to the best spots, is a 4-5 hour uphill journey. He has trouble going up stairs now. I don't want to kill him!

but i look at this and hope for the best, cause that is all I can do. That is all we can ever do...