you truly are a gift...

Boob doc 2mrw. Time to check up on my well marbled porterhouse steak breast tissue.

Got the confirmation for my g-scope next monday (first one in - THANK GOD), just waiting on the surgery confirm.

Pain. Serious.
Had somebody in from out of town last night. Was quiet as a mouse. I had to breathe through the stabbing jolts. Spent more time breathing than talking.
I have a place where they are to visit. I just wish I could be well enough for the long flight down. Right now - 10 minutes is all I can take sitting down before i have to lie down again. A 10 hour flight would kill me...

Did lots of news for my website updates.
Wow.
Lots of shit going on!!
My CV looks pretty damn impressive. Almost 5 pages long. And that is just the photography stuff. There is also the writing and cinema CV's. It's a shame that I'm not making any money off this stuff. And it's definitely not for a lack of trying.

My luck as always...

And apparently, my cards were selected to be part of the ABAD show in Croatia! Could the Eastern European block countries be my next market? First Ukraine, now Croatia!? Very cool indeed.

Next show - Morrocco.
Was offered a place to say there for four nights c/o the organizers. What a dream that would be, but alas, $$, $$ $$. Rubbing two pennies together is tough, i can't even fathom 2000$...

but i can always dream right?

Had a phone call from Charlotte the other day.

It was so nice to talk to her. We reminisced about our Sex and La Cite days and said that we should do something again.

Writing with her came so naturally and talk about comedic chemistry!

It was so nice to be able to do something that made people laugh.

I need to laugh on days like these.

Sadness has begun to take its toll.

but Charlotte said something that made me smile, and made me feel so appreciated in a world and time where and when I don't feel so much so:

"Some people I know bitch about everything, and some people who are going through only half of what you are going through drone on endlessly about their miseries. You don't - you laugh. That in my book is quite amazing. You know hpk, you truly are a joy and a gift to all those people who have you in their lives. You always laugh, and that is just wonderful."

I was almost in tears. 

What a wonderful thing to say!

Amazing how a few little words could go so far in healing this wounded spirit and body...

I need to hear things like that these days.

Thank you Charlotte!!

and that's 200$ please

"the visit is covered by medicare, but that's another 200$ for your next ultrasound of the breast tissue..."

200$ for the follow up ultrasound from last year's 2nd biggest scare (first, the precancerous cells on the cervix, lump in breast tissue, a close 2nd, but not by much)

waited 3 hours for my GP today. Was in tears when I saw her.

The pain, unbearable.

Spoke with the nurse there, told her my symptoms. She was from Syria and trained to be a doctor (women's health) but decided to become a nurse instead.

We both theorized what this could be. We both ran down the symptoms. We were both perplexed.

"and all the ultrasounds and MRI and CT scans found nothing?"

I was used to saying this.

"no no no - nothing at all"

"But you are in so much pain. Your blood pressure is up. It's obvious you are suffering a great deal."

"heavy narcotics help, but only so much..."

"I hope they find out what this is."

me too...

Breast doc next week.

G-scope in two mondays, and then surgery two days after that.

Must remember to take the paper that says I'm "a bleeder". Don't want a repeat of the last surgery where i needed 4 pints of blood to stabilize me.

I should bank my blood. Get some cash to pay my medical bills.

Wait a minute, I can't sell it. I have Von Wilderbrand's disease.

It would be so very fucken nice to be healthy, and to have money to pay for all this care...