Ahh.
late late night - past midnight.
Got back from the gym not long ago - last call at 10pm, but stayed for the steam and sauna till 11.
Decided to shake up the routine.
Now I'm wired from doing too much cardio - but it's all good.
Normally, because of this surplus energy, I would have spent most of the night firing off long and complex emails to my friends, not that they don't appreciate it - as a matter of fact they do...
And just when I thought I had to edit myself, I got this from a friend of mine.
and it made everything all right...
Thank you so so very very much matt.
Your words have healed a worried mind and weary soul.
.
.
And please don't apologize to me, not ever, for writing too much.
I think what I like about your photographic style is also that which I enjoy about your style of writing, or captioning your photographs.
You do it all with such passion, such natural intensity, like its being processed by your brain but streaming live from your soul.
That is not the most common thing to encounter, and it is a thing which i place in high regard.
Knowing how to communicate effectively, purely, and without typical boundaries or borders is only worth knowing if you can find other people who know this as well.
This is what I wrote back.
Funny, things just seem to flow out of my fingertips, onto the keyboard and tend to make so much sense late late at night.
When my guard is let down
"You do it all with such passion, such natural intensity, like its being processed by your brain but streaming live from your soul."
Oh matt, those words are healing for me right now.
So many times I feel as if I have to edit myself. I come on too strong, am to bold and rush to get what I want, want to know answers yesterday and don't know the meaning of patience or wait.
I know this "intensity" shows in my photography - and in my relationships, which I tend to monopolize and complicate. Some people can handle it; some say they can, but then run for the hills when I send them copious paragraphs of my philosophizing and analysis of the world around us, around them and around myself.
Thank you for not running...
"That is not the most common thing to encounter, and it is a thing which i place in high regard."
and when I got this message, I had the same thoughts about you and your photography, and writing as well.
Great minds think alike ;-)
"Knowing how to communicate effectively, purely, and without typical boundaries or borders is only worth knowing if you can find other people who know this as well."
Can I quote you on that?
This is a brilliant line - I'm thinking of making a tshirt out of it, put your name on the bottom. And when people ask me who is Matt Carr, I will send them to your flickr site, and then say "this man is a highly enlightened human being, and I'm happy to say that he's my friend..."
I'm happy that I was able to give you another angle to what I saw in your photographs. I love doing that for people - I love it when it happens to me.
I think that when we take pictures, there are several layers of meaning and interpretation that lie within the pathways of the brain, and because we can only process so much information at one time, only the strongest ideas punch through - making it to the central processing center which then tells our hands and eyes to create what we see as a finished image.
Sometimes, residuals drip through in the way we chose to frame something, the intensity of the light might be a reference point to an earlier idea - but it all happens under the radar - what a beautiful and magical process!
And shooting inebriated? Hell, that's the best time!
If you are like me, you are a thinker - sometimes too much for your own good, and because of that, we edit, shave down and cut around the juiciest part of our raw ideas, making it a nice and tidy package - easily digestible.
But when we let our guard down (either through mind altering substances or also, in my case, mania or depression) we plug up the dam of reason, of safety, of logic and (as I said before) let the floodgates of instinct open and then, the emotion, the intensity, the honesty of what we are feeling, even the most intangible and incomprehensible ones to make their way to our creative centers.
No editing, no stopping - just feeling and experiencing.
i think that is what real art is all about.
From writing, to photographing to living.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Reaction time
I had my first fender bender.
Decided to practice driving with e - tried to parallel park at this jappy mecca shopping center (the people are notorious bad drivers, I should have know better than to venture into that mimbo/bimbo territory).
this woman in an suv was pulling out. She didn't see me - nothing. Did not even look behind to notice if there were any cars behind her, just backed out like she thought she was the entitled queen of goddamn sheeba and hit my backside.
Well, a bump. Scratched the back, but this car is a turd box so it doesn't really matter anyway - but as she was backing out, he told me to hit the horn. I just sat there stunned. I was frozen in place, hands on the wheel - shocked and horrified.
I could not react.
And that freaked the shit out of me.
What if she had been coming full throttle.
That worries me - my reaction time - hair trigger on some things, slow as molasses in others.
But this quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson sits on my keyboard to remind me to keep perspective of the grand scheme of things.
I got it from one of those desktop day calendars long ago, trimmed it, and then set it on a sheet of strange and scary looking clowns (those dollar store wrapping papers are not for the faint at heart) and put it in a clip frame behind glass.
it's become my mantra
scary clowns and all
"Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities crept in. Forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you should being it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."
amen to that Ralphie...
Decided to practice driving with e - tried to parallel park at this jappy mecca shopping center (the people are notorious bad drivers, I should have know better than to venture into that mimbo/bimbo territory).
this woman in an suv was pulling out. She didn't see me - nothing. Did not even look behind to notice if there were any cars behind her, just backed out like she thought she was the entitled queen of goddamn sheeba and hit my backside.
Well, a bump. Scratched the back, but this car is a turd box so it doesn't really matter anyway - but as she was backing out, he told me to hit the horn. I just sat there stunned. I was frozen in place, hands on the wheel - shocked and horrified.
I could not react.
And that freaked the shit out of me.
What if she had been coming full throttle.
That worries me - my reaction time - hair trigger on some things, slow as molasses in others.
But this quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson sits on my keyboard to remind me to keep perspective of the grand scheme of things.
I got it from one of those desktop day calendars long ago, trimmed it, and then set it on a sheet of strange and scary looking clowns (those dollar store wrapping papers are not for the faint at heart) and put it in a clip frame behind glass.
it's become my mantra
scary clowns and all
"Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities crept in. Forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you should being it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."
amen to that Ralphie...
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
can it be another sign?
CBT - in neon no less...
how is that for being obvious
hello
I'm thinking and by virtue of this action, doing.
Monday, June 16, 2008
when it rains, it pours hammers...
This is too freaky.
I'm shaking - it's that freaky...
Long and short - went to the gym (man, one week and I'm so outa shape...) and saw some of my gym peeps. Got talking some more with a great girl who works there - turns out that a) she adores nyc as much as I do (and that's a lot!) b) adores photography - being in front and behind the camera and c) is an actor.
put all of those things together and you get a vibrant electric firecracker who's up for anything that I would throw at her.
Told her that new york is my drug - that the electricity there fuels my soul, makes me feel alive, and that the pace is more than comfortable, it's natural - she really felt the same way.
Told her about my self portraits - my ever growing collection of wigs and cocktail dresses, how I really immerse myself into the whole process, from creation, conceptualization, and execution - going whole hog with the props, lighting and setup - she really got it.
Told her about my sex and la cité play ( see, it came up again!!!) - that's when she told me that she's studying acting, and is looking for a role to sink her teeth into - she really feels passionate about her craft and would love to brain storm with me - perhaps work on something together.
Told her about the email from B, and the conversation with my mother - both happening within a span of 12 hours, talking about me getting back to writing again, and how the strange coincidences made me think that I might be onto something over here - the writing, the acting, the photography...
I had a momentary lapse of freakout - lost touch with reality for about 3 seconds when I had just realized what I said - and what we had been talking about for the past 45 minutes...
Oh Girl - these are the signs! You have to follow them! They are telling you something!!! How wild is that!?
And indeed, it is very wild.
Very wild indeed.
Seems as if I'm answering my own questions now.
and it seems that I'm onto something called the "right path" - with my art, be it writing or photography.
it all feels so right....
I'm shaking - it's that freaky...
Long and short - went to the gym (man, one week and I'm so outa shape...) and saw some of my gym peeps. Got talking some more with a great girl who works there - turns out that a) she adores nyc as much as I do (and that's a lot!) b) adores photography - being in front and behind the camera and c) is an actor.
put all of those things together and you get a vibrant electric firecracker who's up for anything that I would throw at her.
Told her that new york is my drug - that the electricity there fuels my soul, makes me feel alive, and that the pace is more than comfortable, it's natural - she really felt the same way.
Told her about my self portraits - my ever growing collection of wigs and cocktail dresses, how I really immerse myself into the whole process, from creation, conceptualization, and execution - going whole hog with the props, lighting and setup - she really got it.
Told her about my sex and la cité play ( see, it came up again!!!) - that's when she told me that she's studying acting, and is looking for a role to sink her teeth into - she really feels passionate about her craft and would love to brain storm with me - perhaps work on something together.
Told her about the email from B, and the conversation with my mother - both happening within a span of 12 hours, talking about me getting back to writing again, and how the strange coincidences made me think that I might be onto something over here - the writing, the acting, the photography...
I had a momentary lapse of freakout - lost touch with reality for about 3 seconds when I had just realized what I said - and what we had been talking about for the past 45 minutes...
Oh Girl - these are the signs! You have to follow them! They are telling you something!!! How wild is that!?
And indeed, it is very wild.
Very wild indeed.
Seems as if I'm answering my own questions now.
and it seems that I'm onto something called the "right path" - with my art, be it writing or photography.
it all feels so right....
tipping point...
My mom said she also watched the Tony's last night...
"I was thinking that you should be up there - your plays, your humor, you work, because you are just so good at it..."
and then she reads me my daily ohm.
I almost fainted.
I mean - come on
this is getting creepy, but creepy in a nice way...
June 16, 2008 - The Daily Ohm
Perspective Unfurling
Aries Daily Horoscope
You may feel particularly liberal-minded today as you move through the various spheres of your life and engage your peers in discussions regarding planetary conditions. Should you find yourself confronted with concepts or philosophies foreign to you, you’ll likely feel compelled to research this new knowledge rather than be put off by its alien nature. As you study beliefs that differ from your own or the cultures of far-flung lands, you may sense that your mind is opening to new possibilities. This exposure to intriguing spiritual practices and modes of living can inspire you to introduce them into your own daily life. You may feel that the boundaries of your experience are expanding today and allowing you to view the world from a broader vantage point.
As we broaden the scope of our experience through exploration, we equip ourselves to bring about a new age of consciousness and compassion.
Sweeping change can only occur when a tipping point is reached, one that compels people to open their minds to possibilities unlike any they’ve considered before.
When we unfurl our perspectives, allowing the vast wind of cultural and philosophical diversity to fill our minds, we become part of a larger yet invisible movement to bring humanity into the light of awareness. By simply living in accordance with our values, going about our everyday duties, we set a liberal and inquisitive example that others cannot help but notice. When you embark on a search for personal improvement today you will empower yourself to spread enlightenment among all of your associates.
and now, looking at my profile, I'm getting those weird chills again, stomach acrobatics, an instinctive knowing that is too strong to shake off -
so I'm adding a little piece of the puzzle I forgot to add so long ago -
Having written my first cryptic word at the age of 2, I would find out only 33 years later (while watching a film about a man who is trying to discover his life's vocation) that this word - "okhtohie' meant 'purpose' in Japanese. Having veered off in different directions throughout my life, I believe that my existence here is for a 'purpose' - to write and share my stories of a day in the life of a girl whose life is constantly being bombarded with strange coincidences, outrageous situations and a cornucopia of odd yet amusing characters - stuff that is just too weird, it had to be captured in a blog format to be read and believed. And did I mention that it's all about me?
Sunday, June 15, 2008
There's a little bit of Broadway and the universe in everyone
Just finished writing to the gallery peeps.
One in particular, saying that he would love my "sex and la cité" play because he had been to mtl, was fluent in french and would get all the crazy outrageous bawdy jokes I wrote.
I said that I would either send it down or mail it to him.
minutes later, got an email from b - he said that he was watching the tony's and thought that my writing was witty, and had I ever thought about writing a play before?
...
Oh the irony.
Yea - we could have taken SALC to nyc. I had asked for it, pushed it, but everybody was chicken shit. As I wrote to b - "i would have done it myself, but I didn't have enough multiple personalties to put on a one woman show..."
who knows
maybe nyc is ready for SALC - the one that I wrote
my baby
she's going home...
****
And this is from last Wednesday night. I was walking down 94th and wondering if the gallery opening that was showing my photography could be the start of something wonderful. If it would actually open doors for me, a new begining...
Not two seconds after this thought popped into my head, I saw this on a blackboard 10 feet in front of me at a place called The Ayurveda café.
you need only to let go - the universe then begins to create life for you effortlessly because you have gotten out of the way
ayurveda cafe - a place for balance
94th and Broadway, New York
how fucken brilliant was that moment?
a classic I tell you
a classic hammer on the head if I ever felt one...
One in particular, saying that he would love my "sex and la cité" play because he had been to mtl, was fluent in french and would get all the crazy outrageous bawdy jokes I wrote.
I said that I would either send it down or mail it to him.
minutes later, got an email from b - he said that he was watching the tony's and thought that my writing was witty, and had I ever thought about writing a play before?
...
Oh the irony.
Yea - we could have taken SALC to nyc. I had asked for it, pushed it, but everybody was chicken shit. As I wrote to b - "i would have done it myself, but I didn't have enough multiple personalties to put on a one woman show..."
who knows
maybe nyc is ready for SALC - the one that I wrote
my baby
she's going home...
****
And this is from last Wednesday night. I was walking down 94th and wondering if the gallery opening that was showing my photography could be the start of something wonderful. If it would actually open doors for me, a new begining...
Not two seconds after this thought popped into my head, I saw this on a blackboard 10 feet in front of me at a place called The Ayurveda café.
you need only to let go - the universe then begins to create life for you effortlessly because you have gotten out of the way
ayurveda cafe - a place for balance
94th and Broadway, New York
how fucken brilliant was that moment?
a classic I tell you
a classic hammer on the head if I ever felt one...
into the hills and far away...
Today, I am exhausted. On a deep tissue and cerebral level.
It's always happens. Must make a note to myself to dig out those posts that proceed the "day after being home" trips. I'm sure they will enlighten me as to how I need to sidestep the monster of bipolar lows.
just because I'm too exhausted to wax poetic about what I'm feeling now, here is a letter to a friend...
It was so wonderful to finally meet you, and also, it was great to find someone as intense as I am. Aside from Bella, I think we are a rare breed. And that might be a good thing - imagine someone like us running the united states...
You have such a great energy, upfront with a no shit attitude. Just like Bella told me you would. I really appreciate that.
It seems like its sorely lacking here in in the city.
Thank you for coming out that night - and then having such a great heart to heart with me. Some of the things you said about my art - my honesty in what I write and photograph, I needed to hear that.
I've been feeling like a fish out of water - flapping around desperatley to find my way back to what I once knew as something which was my element (had been out of it too long, and momentarily forgot where it was that I came from - my passion for photography and writing - telling stories), but having somebody see me from the outside, but who also knew me on the inside, and pointing out that I was on the right path, the right track, made my manic mind calm down. Ease into a sublime tranquility about trusting the universe and trusting myself as to where I was going and how I would get there...
it all went by so fast - the show - the night out, the next day recuperating and hung over, and then into the sunset, on the highway, into the night.
It seems as if I blinked and I was on my way back home - driving through the mountains in a torrential downpour that mimicked my sadness, my mental tears as I left that wonderful city of yours behind...
This trip was quite overwhelming - too much actually. I'm usually quite level headed while i'm there, but I guess with the show - all the anticipation that lead up to it - then the opening night - the heat in the gallery, and then that same night at the bar (god, it's been forever since I've closed down a bar.w I was a bloody mess until this morning...) and now that I'm home, I'm quite depressed.
it happens when I come back from your beautiful city - I feel like a crack whore addict - needing my fix that is 500 miles away, and it's making me cranky, prompting me to sway and swing from my manic highs to now shit off the bottom of the shoe scraping lows...
but I could also be pmsing - but ouch. Talk about timing...
not pretty...
New york's pull on me is defiant yet welcoming.
I don't know how the hell I'm going to get down there, but something will shift, I feel it will be through my art, which will allow me to find another me down there.
Speaking of which, e said that he will most definitely come down again in july as he has some work in westchester, so if he's not with his boss, I will hop along with him. No gallery openings, just time to wind down and hang with my peeps in the city.
I'm going to take the next few days to wind down. I have to digest everything that B said about the direction of my art, where I need to go and how I need to focus.
Lots to process.
Lots of plans to make.
This week, i can tell you, I'll be under my bed, hiding from my dustbunnies who have grown into dustmonsters while we were away, now giving me the evil swiffer eye, as I try to recuperate and refresh back into my normal hum drum life here at home.
Thank you so much again for coming by the show - I'm so happy we have a such a great connection. It's funny, like I said at the show, it feels like I've known you forever :-)
and those photos you took - so very kick ass.
You must show me more of them.
I look so radiant and happy.
The way I should be looking all the time.
sigh...
take care of yourself too my dear.
back in the little village
so very strange - rolling into the city again.
St. Denis - "the hip" street looked like a country road in comparison to what we saw in nyc.
Seriously - it all looked "quaint"
E said: "in nyc - if you look up, all you see are buildings. You don't even see sky - just metal, concrete and glass - here we can actually see what color the sky is, and actual rooftops"
So very true.
We are going into reverse culture shock - from big to small.
And so the winding down process begins.
It will take a week for me to come down from the high
And I miss it already - the city that has stolen my heart
and I miss the people - all of those people who came out to see me and my show. I was so touched and moved by that. Really almost brings a tear to my eye just thinking about it. I'm so very thankful for that experience and those memories that were made this past week.
More people showed up there than for stuff I've had here.
go figure
but it's all good - my friends who embrace my craziness, the gallery and owners who beleive in my work, and the future and all of the possibilities it brings.
Coming back from nyc and I now feel refreshed, renewed and ready to take on the world.
if I can make it there, I can make it anywhere
and back in the little village, I shouldn't worry about not making a big splash here because I matter where it matters the most.
St. Denis - "the hip" street looked like a country road in comparison to what we saw in nyc.
Seriously - it all looked "quaint"
E said: "in nyc - if you look up, all you see are buildings. You don't even see sky - just metal, concrete and glass - here we can actually see what color the sky is, and actual rooftops"
So very true.
We are going into reverse culture shock - from big to small.
And so the winding down process begins.
It will take a week for me to come down from the high
And I miss it already - the city that has stolen my heart
and I miss the people - all of those people who came out to see me and my show. I was so touched and moved by that. Really almost brings a tear to my eye just thinking about it. I'm so very thankful for that experience and those memories that were made this past week.
More people showed up there than for stuff I've had here.
go figure
but it's all good - my friends who embrace my craziness, the gallery and owners who beleive in my work, and the future and all of the possibilities it brings.
Coming back from nyc and I now feel refreshed, renewed and ready to take on the world.
if I can make it there, I can make it anywhere
and back in the little village, I shouldn't worry about not making a big splash here because I matter where it matters the most.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
spring awakening in a vintage summer dress or - " I'd like to thank the academy"
Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty
A huge thank you to all my friends - new flickr and old flickr folk, my new york gang who made the trek out to see me at the show, the amazing people at Monkdogz who believed in my art enough to show it. to eric for putting up with me being a total diva and being able to wrap around a business trip so we could take a vacation, to anthony for letting me bargain to get this fabulous dress, and to the universe who conspired to put into play a series of what seemed to be random events which let to this wonderful day...
thank you all so very very much...
So as I get ready to head home in the morning, I have a smile on my face and glow in my heart - it was a very good day indeed~
credit where you can get it...
more to come about my trip to nyc..
but this to a friend of mine last night - half drunk, fully exhausted, completely happy
for everything else there's Mastercard
but this to a friend of mine last night - half drunk, fully exhausted, completely happy
"I didn't make the million dollar contact i had hoped, but experienced something no money could buy - a deeper understanding about why I photograph, what photography means to me and the knowledge that my work, my photos, me exposing my vulnerabilities through photography moves people so very very deeply, and that I am on the right path. Finally. I might not know exactly the perfect or right route, but I'm getting there..."
her reply...
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
in 7 hours
in 7 hours, we hit the road
and I'm going to attempt to drive on the highway
went today (got the "not so great" instructor...) and practiced changing lanes.
Behind the wheel, I felt confident, in control of my own car, my own space, my own speed.
and it was so very wonderful.
as the day for the opening comes closer, I'm getting more confirmation that many of my flickr friends, and other people whom I have met through the internet are coming out to see me, some I have never met in person, to celebrate my success.
My intensity does not scare them. They admire the firecracker I am. That's good because I don't intend to change any time soon. Art is all about honesty - and so am I. It's nice to know that after all these years of editing myself, I don't have to anymore.
and it is so very liberating.
I'm also receiving lost of positive feedback from the other artists who are showing in the same show - they all love my work and admire my courage in posting these arresting self portraits.
I'm in control of my own camera, my own body, my own photography.
and it feels so very right.
and for the first time in a long time, well, perhaps it really is the first time, I am walking into a big city where everybody wants to make it - my head held high, stars in my eyes and a belief that my art touches people in a way that is important. In a way that makes a difference, in a way it can change lives of others and especially myself...
note to self - read this as soon as you come back...
and I'm going to attempt to drive on the highway
went today (got the "not so great" instructor...) and practiced changing lanes.
Behind the wheel, I felt confident, in control of my own car, my own space, my own speed.
and it was so very wonderful.
as the day for the opening comes closer, I'm getting more confirmation that many of my flickr friends, and other people whom I have met through the internet are coming out to see me, some I have never met in person, to celebrate my success.
My intensity does not scare them. They admire the firecracker I am. That's good because I don't intend to change any time soon. Art is all about honesty - and so am I. It's nice to know that after all these years of editing myself, I don't have to anymore.
and it is so very liberating.
I'm also receiving lost of positive feedback from the other artists who are showing in the same show - they all love my work and admire my courage in posting these arresting self portraits.
I'm in control of my own camera, my own body, my own photography.
and it feels so very right.
and for the first time in a long time, well, perhaps it really is the first time, I am walking into a big city where everybody wants to make it - my head held high, stars in my eyes and a belief that my art touches people in a way that is important. In a way that makes a difference, in a way it can change lives of others and especially myself...
note to self - read this as soon as you come back...
Sunday, June 08, 2008
color mundo
I'm off to take some photos of Alex at Colormundo.
always a fun event.
being the official photographer is a nice title as well.
my camera is making funny noises again, and that worries me.
but then again, if something happens, there is always B&H around the corner from where we are staying...
and driving - I need practice.
Mom is not feeling well, working Monday so that leaves me without her help.
E is nervous (as always) and especially cause this car is about to turn into a piece of turd at the blink of an eye, he is soooo paranoid that I will crash the car.
"and so if I do, what's gonna happen? You need it for work and that way you can ask your boss for a raise to get a new one. A raise that has been, oh, what, five years in the making/waiting?"
But that's just me being bitchy and pro-active...
ha ha ha
but I will try my best to take hold of the wheel and steer that baby to freedom.
besides, highway driving is a cinch. Did it in Vermont and loved it - the freedom of the open road, the smell of the pines in the green mountains filling my lungs, some hip* tunes blaring out the windows...
what more could a girl ask for?
no comment...
*lori, I'll be thinking of you when I do this.. ;-)
always a fun event.
being the official photographer is a nice title as well.
my camera is making funny noises again, and that worries me.
but then again, if something happens, there is always B&H around the corner from where we are staying...
and driving - I need practice.
Mom is not feeling well, working Monday so that leaves me without her help.
E is nervous (as always) and especially cause this car is about to turn into a piece of turd at the blink of an eye, he is soooo paranoid that I will crash the car.
"and so if I do, what's gonna happen? You need it for work and that way you can ask your boss for a raise to get a new one. A raise that has been, oh, what, five years in the making/waiting?"
But that's just me being bitchy and pro-active...
ha ha ha
but I will try my best to take hold of the wheel and steer that baby to freedom.
besides, highway driving is a cinch. Did it in Vermont and loved it - the freedom of the open road, the smell of the pines in the green mountains filling my lungs, some hip* tunes blaring out the windows...
what more could a girl ask for?
no comment...
*lori, I'll be thinking of you when I do this.. ;-)
Saturday, June 07, 2008
for myself - to remember on my journey...
“Oh soul,
you worry too much.
You have seen your own strength.
You have seen your own beauty.
You have seen your golden wings.
Of anything less,
why do you worry?
You are in truth
the soul, of the soul, of the soul.”
~ Jalal ad-Din Rumi ~
you worry too much.
You have seen your own strength.
You have seen your own beauty.
You have seen your golden wings.
Of anything less,
why do you worry?
You are in truth
the soul, of the soul, of the soul.”
~ Jalal ad-Din Rumi ~
in preparation for viewing art in new york city
.
.
.
.
.
.
it is wrong to assume that art needs a spectator in order to be.
the film runs on without any eyes.
the spectator cannot exist without it.
it ensures his existence.
Jim Morrison -
the lords and the new creatures.
So this girl who thinks too much is doing just that again - clawing her way up a slippery manic slope while being scraped down the side by the acid of logic and restraint.
Playing with my own blowtorch while putting on hairspray in a straw hut..
.
.
.
.
.
it is wrong to assume that art needs a spectator in order to be.
the film runs on without any eyes.
the spectator cannot exist without it.
it ensures his existence.
Jim Morrison -
the lords and the new creatures.
So this girl who thinks too much is doing just that again - clawing her way up a slippery manic slope while being scraped down the side by the acid of logic and restraint.
Playing with my own blowtorch while putting on hairspray in a straw hut..
Friday, June 06, 2008
coming home after my appointments, I decided to pull out the montreal's raggiest rag - the Mirror (which I try to avoid because they put way too much ink in their paper - I look like a coal miner after reading the first page) and low and behold, the first page that I opened was the actual page I was looking for.
what I read completely floored me.
Utterly, and seriously...
from Real Astrology
Since authoring the book Brazen Careerist: The New Rules for Success, Penelope Trunk has written a blog that offers further advice. Recently she wrote about a subject I'd love for you to think about: mentors. You're in a phase when you have a heightened knack for identifying and attracting and learning from the guides you need. Here's one of Trunk's most crucial points: To take maximum advantage of your teachers, ask them what questions you should be asking them. Don't assume you always know what you need to find out.
SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
At the heart of the pronoiac way of life is an apparent conundrum: You can have anything you want if you'll just ask for it in an unselfish way. The trick to making this work is to locate where your deepest ambition coincides with the greatest gift you have to give. Figure out how the universe, by providing you with abundance, can improve the lot of everyone whose life you touch. Seek the fulfillment of your fondest desires in such a way that you become a fount of blessings.
(You can read Trunk's post here.)
commencing countdown, engines on...
what I read completely floored me.
Utterly, and seriously...
from Real Astrology
Since authoring the book Brazen Careerist: The New Rules for Success, Penelope Trunk has written a blog that offers further advice. Recently she wrote about a subject I'd love for you to think about: mentors. You're in a phase when you have a heightened knack for identifying and attracting and learning from the guides you need. Here's one of Trunk's most crucial points: To take maximum advantage of your teachers, ask them what questions you should be asking them. Don't assume you always know what you need to find out.
SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
At the heart of the pronoiac way of life is an apparent conundrum: You can have anything you want if you'll just ask for it in an unselfish way. The trick to making this work is to locate where your deepest ambition coincides with the greatest gift you have to give. Figure out how the universe, by providing you with abundance, can improve the lot of everyone whose life you touch. Seek the fulfillment of your fondest desires in such a way that you become a fount of blessings.
(You can read Trunk's post here.)
commencing countdown, engines on...
:-0
my eyes are as wide as flying saucers.
1am and I'm still burning the past midnight oil.
I'm in the groove, the zone, the head space that makes artists euphoric -creative explosions, insights, visions.
delirium
Photoshopping the last batch of my photos to update on my site.
Did a whole new hallway self portrait series - some of which are rather dark and mysterious, but I think it's going to work.
but what really made my night was an email I received from a really well known NYC photographer.
Robert DeNiro doesn't let anybody else but Juni take portraits of him - he's that good.
he said something along the lines of - Self portraiture can be and is very difficult, but what I am trying to create, is something subtle and deeply erotic
he has a shoot that night and said that he can't wait to meet me afterward.
!!!!!
the closer that this day comes, the more excited I am becoming - telling a friend today that "what I will experience there will be life changing. Something big and wonderful is going to happen, the start of what, I don't know for sure...
ohh Lord.
Please don't let me jinx my own luck!
If shit works out the way I had told everybody it would a few months ago (now going to find that post) - I will begin to charge big bux deluxe for my psychic insight.
hmm, one link here
(but i know it's here somewhere...)
1am and I'm still burning the past midnight oil.
I'm in the groove, the zone, the head space that makes artists euphoric -creative explosions, insights, visions.
delirium
Photoshopping the last batch of my photos to update on my site.
Did a whole new hallway self portrait series - some of which are rather dark and mysterious, but I think it's going to work.
but what really made my night was an email I received from a really well known NYC photographer.
Robert DeNiro doesn't let anybody else but Juni take portraits of him - he's that good.
he said something along the lines of - Self portraiture can be and is very difficult, but what I am trying to create, is something subtle and deeply erotic
he has a shoot that night and said that he can't wait to meet me afterward.
!!!!!
the closer that this day comes, the more excited I am becoming - telling a friend today that "what I will experience there will be life changing. Something big and wonderful is going to happen, the start of what, I don't know for sure...
ohh Lord.
Please don't let me jinx my own luck!
If shit works out the way I had told everybody it would a few months ago (now going to find that post) - I will begin to charge big bux deluxe for my psychic insight.
hmm, one link here
(but i know it's here somewhere...)
Thursday, June 05, 2008
Baby, you're gonna be alright
leaving to new york in a few days - the mind races and I seek solace in the lyrics of an old friend...
SOMETIMES by Daniel Lanois
SOMETIMES by Daniel Lanois
Sometimes, sometimes
Sometimes I feel like I'm playin' on the radio
Sometimes I feel like I'm on a travelin' road show
Sometimes I got the power of the will and I know my song is gonna to be alright
Sometimes I feel like I'm playin' on the radio
Sometimes I feel like I'm on a travelin' road show
Sometimes I got the power of the will and I know my song is gonna to be alright
Sometimes I feel like I'm on a freight train
Forever rescued by the mystery rain
Sometimes I'm just out for a thrill, she always said 'Baby, you're gonna be alright'
Forever rescued by the mystery rain
Sometimes I'm just out for a thrill, she always said 'Baby, you're gonna be alright'
The sun gonna come shining down; push it all away, make it alright
Sometimes in the heart of a long, cold night
It's all too far out of sight, out of sight
Sometimes in the heart of a long, cold night
It's all too far out of sight, out of sight
Hard to know everything's going to be alright
Everyone thinks you got everything you want
Hard to have and then have not
Hard to have and then have not
Everyone thinks you got everything you want
Hard to have and then have not
Hard to have and then have not
Sometimes I wanna take a pill and hide
Sometimes I wanna shut down and ride
And go where no man should go
Go where no man should go
Go where no man should go
Go where no man should go
Could it be, ever really be, alright
Sometimes I wanna shut down and ride
And go where no man should go
Go where no man should go
Go where no man should go
Go where no man should go
Could it be, ever really be, alright
Instinct
I have been talking a lot about this thing called instinct lately.
It's strange how it just keeps on popping up in conversations, images, songs...
is it trying to tell me something?
Sometimes I need a hammer on my head to get the obvious things in life - I have a hard skull, so it takes a while for things to sink in.
(no pun intended in reference to this photo)
englishpianobloke - thank you for posting this and having me find it.
The moral of the story here is not to think twice:
just jump
do
feel
live
experience life to the fullest.
and yes I will - off the deep end with eyes and mind wide open!!
It's strange how it just keeps on popping up in conversations, images, songs...
is it trying to tell me something?
Sometimes I need a hammer on my head to get the obvious things in life - I have a hard skull, so it takes a while for things to sink in.
(no pun intended in reference to this photo)
englishpianobloke - thank you for posting this and having me find it.
The moral of the story here is not to think twice:
just jump
do
feel
live
experience life to the fullest.
and yes I will - off the deep end with eyes and mind wide open!!
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
Vroom vroom part 2
At the ungodly hour of 4am, I was still up. Sleep has skipped out of town on me once again.
The bags under my eyes are so large, that I can quite literally, shoplift a car from a parking lot and nobody would look twice...
9am - standing outside the driving school. Locked door and my instructor in a car with another student (that rat bastard! how could he!!)
but it was for the better cause he didn't have much of a sense of humor, and what he had was drier than the surface of mars.
so where does this leave me?
I came all the way here - on 3 hours of sleep on top of it all (oh yea, I'm alert. Wake me up when I have to break...) just to find out that I had to go back home without my morning spin.
A very thin looking older man approached me. Gaunt, but strong features which turned his deeply wrinkled skin into an interesting landscape.
In a deep french canadian slang that only people who have hung out or dated les francophones would understand asked: are you here for your lesson? Your instructor is already with someone. Do you know who you are with?
The blank look of distress and anguish in my face must have said it all.
"okay, I'm go to check..."
a few minutes later, cigarette already lit and in his mouth, motioned to me to follow him - "I'm your instructor"
A smoker sitting in a car with an ex smoker who now gets sick from the smell of smoke.
this is gonna be an interesting ride.
I warned him in advance that my french was not the best -and that I am at my most fluent when I am either extremely exhausted (zombie exhausted) or have had too much vino tinto to drink, so my present state of mind would probably yield some interesting broken phonetic and grammatical results.
"me too - my hinglish is not very nice sometimes. But if you hunderstand me what I say, that is good for me."
We both understood each other enough to get me out of the parking lot.
So far so good.
"do you mind if I smoke?" having already taken out the cigarette and placed it between his thin lips
"Only if I can open the window. Be glad that it's not winter because neither of us would be happy"
"Good you let me smoke because if I don't then you and I won't be happy either - we need to have smooth driving today."
and so we began to laugh - and laughed and chatted for the next two hours - and perhaps it was because I was spending more time concentrating on not collecting rear view mirrors as I drove up and down narrow side streets, I fell into kebecoise easily as if it were second nature. He tried his hand at english, and most of the time we settled on Franglais - half and half that only people from montreal can understand but we managed to keep the conversation going the whole time.
And I guess it speaks well of my driving that he didn't even see the time go by - "I had not to step on the brake even once today! Ah yoi! Dis is good!"
And it was good - I felt confident behind the wheel - trucks coming up next to me, driving past me in two way traffic - and parallel parking (which I aced on the first shot) all seemed so natural. And from what I've been told, is half the battle when it comes to driving for the first time.
"I will try to get to make you your instructor da next time. I had so much fun!"
"moi aussi".
He waved to me as I put on my trainwreck 6$ Paris Hilton knock off shades and walking back to the metro for my next appointment.
Doctor's office - what a write off that was.
She was 2 hours behind and the waiting room was FULL
the nurse said it would be a three hour wait - easy.
Well, i was not going to miss my acupuncture appointment for this so I headed right over to his locale.
I never thought that I would be so happy to see that many needles in my life, but after the crazy week I had, I needed to chill out -the ancient Chinese secret way.
The back went well - loads of spots on my back to tame the heart, the mind, the stomach, but it was when I turned over it all fell to pieces.
he was doing fine when he was in the general head area (I ask him to give me extra - I look like a red puffy pin cushion when he's done..) but then he hit the top of my right foot.
You almost had to scrape me off the ceiling!
I'm sure he hit a nerve because it was such a specific pain - deep inside the tendon -felt like somebody was simultaneously ripping out and stepping on the network of knitted veins that held my toes together.
He apologized and felt really bad because I had, up to that point, been in a state of bliss, but the pain would not go away but kept on getting worse! i could not move my toes!
Oh great, how the hell am I going to hobble home if I can't even put my shoes back on...
but the pain subsided with some more ancient Chinese secret balm, but I still had to hobble home slowly. No gym for me today. And as much as I want to push through the pain, a screaming banshee running loose on a treadmill is not a pretty sight.
Hopefully I will still have my foot attached when I wake up so I can have my regularly scheduled workout time and not have to wear awkward foot bandaging
The bags under my eyes are so large, that I can quite literally, shoplift a car from a parking lot and nobody would look twice...
9am - standing outside the driving school. Locked door and my instructor in a car with another student (that rat bastard! how could he!!)
but it was for the better cause he didn't have much of a sense of humor, and what he had was drier than the surface of mars.
so where does this leave me?
I came all the way here - on 3 hours of sleep on top of it all (oh yea, I'm alert. Wake me up when I have to break...) just to find out that I had to go back home without my morning spin.
A very thin looking older man approached me. Gaunt, but strong features which turned his deeply wrinkled skin into an interesting landscape.
In a deep french canadian slang that only people who have hung out or dated les francophones would understand asked: are you here for your lesson? Your instructor is already with someone. Do you know who you are with?
The blank look of distress and anguish in my face must have said it all.
"okay, I'm go to check..."
a few minutes later, cigarette already lit and in his mouth, motioned to me to follow him - "I'm your instructor"
A smoker sitting in a car with an ex smoker who now gets sick from the smell of smoke.
this is gonna be an interesting ride.
I warned him in advance that my french was not the best -and that I am at my most fluent when I am either extremely exhausted (zombie exhausted) or have had too much vino tinto to drink, so my present state of mind would probably yield some interesting broken phonetic and grammatical results.
"me too - my hinglish is not very nice sometimes. But if you hunderstand me what I say, that is good for me."
We both understood each other enough to get me out of the parking lot.
So far so good.
"do you mind if I smoke?" having already taken out the cigarette and placed it between his thin lips
"Only if I can open the window. Be glad that it's not winter because neither of us would be happy"
"Good you let me smoke because if I don't then you and I won't be happy either - we need to have smooth driving today."
and so we began to laugh - and laughed and chatted for the next two hours - and perhaps it was because I was spending more time concentrating on not collecting rear view mirrors as I drove up and down narrow side streets, I fell into kebecoise easily as if it were second nature. He tried his hand at english, and most of the time we settled on Franglais - half and half that only people from montreal can understand but we managed to keep the conversation going the whole time.
And I guess it speaks well of my driving that he didn't even see the time go by - "I had not to step on the brake even once today! Ah yoi! Dis is good!"
And it was good - I felt confident behind the wheel - trucks coming up next to me, driving past me in two way traffic - and parallel parking (which I aced on the first shot) all seemed so natural. And from what I've been told, is half the battle when it comes to driving for the first time.
"I will try to get to make you your instructor da next time. I had so much fun!"
"moi aussi".
He waved to me as I put on my trainwreck 6$ Paris Hilton knock off shades and walking back to the metro for my next appointment.
Doctor's office - what a write off that was.
She was 2 hours behind and the waiting room was FULL
the nurse said it would be a three hour wait - easy.
Well, i was not going to miss my acupuncture appointment for this so I headed right over to his locale.
I never thought that I would be so happy to see that many needles in my life, but after the crazy week I had, I needed to chill out -the ancient Chinese secret way.
The back went well - loads of spots on my back to tame the heart, the mind, the stomach, but it was when I turned over it all fell to pieces.
he was doing fine when he was in the general head area (I ask him to give me extra - I look like a red puffy pin cushion when he's done..) but then he hit the top of my right foot.
You almost had to scrape me off the ceiling!
I'm sure he hit a nerve because it was such a specific pain - deep inside the tendon -felt like somebody was simultaneously ripping out and stepping on the network of knitted veins that held my toes together.
He apologized and felt really bad because I had, up to that point, been in a state of bliss, but the pain would not go away but kept on getting worse! i could not move my toes!
Oh great, how the hell am I going to hobble home if I can't even put my shoes back on...
but the pain subsided with some more ancient Chinese secret balm, but I still had to hobble home slowly. No gym for me today. And as much as I want to push through the pain, a screaming banshee running loose on a treadmill is not a pretty sight.
Hopefully I will still have my foot attached when I wake up so I can have my regularly scheduled workout time and not have to wear awkward foot bandaging
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
the world is an open door, and slightly out of reach...
the world is an open door, and slightly out of reach...
Set up a situation that presents you with something slightly beyond your reach.
~ Brian Eno
I received news today that my frames reached their proper destination in New York unbroken and looking marvelous.
The reality is starting to set in.
Something that I had only dreamed about a few years ago is actually taking place.
I had set up this situation - this ideal situation (showing in a big well known gallery) which I believed to be out of reach, but eventually made it work for me.
I took bold steps, chances and gambles, and walked confidently into situations constructed by myself - eyes open, soul open and the universe has rewarded me.
On my birthday, I promised myself that it was imperative to seize more opportunities, take greater risks and trust in a greater force to be my guide - in the grand scheme of things, i would ultimately let life work through and with me.
So one week and one day to my New York trip, and life around me is slowly falling into place - one piece at a time.
one glorious miraculous piece at a time...
arrived
A huge sigh of relief
Just got the call - my frames arrived at the gallery safe and sound - in one piece.
A huge stress off of my mind.
sigh...
one week and one day to go before we hit the road in an old kit bag and smile, smile smile...
Just got the call - my frames arrived at the gallery safe and sound - in one piece.
A huge stress off of my mind.
sigh...
one week and one day to go before we hit the road in an old kit bag and smile, smile smile...
vroom vroom
had my first driving lesson today - didn't kill anything, didn't run into any parked or moving cars. All in all, it was not a bad experience. Two hours went by pretty fast, and my driving instructor is even tempered and kind. Exactly what I need...
I had to buy these cheapo gaudy Liz Taylor meets Paris Hilton sunglasses at a corner store, because when I left in the morning, it was drizzling and cloudy. My luck - had left the shades at home only to step out from the metro to a blazing hot sun.
So I looked like Liz Taylor/Paris Hilton fashion accident.
pretty funny, but it did the job - and for 7$ the shades were a steal.
next lesson 2mrw -another 2 hours followed by a doctor's rv, and then acupuncture, topped off with a gym visit.
Went today - felt like crap at first. Thought that I was going to pass out - needed a sugar fix. Got some glucose tabs which perked me up enough to get some basic cardio. Once the adrenaline was pumping, I got down to businesses - some serious weights.
And I always get such a kick out of being tiny and wiry and strong as hell.
I don't look like I can leg press 200 lbs, or bicep curl almost 20 lbs, but I can and do. I snicker to myself as i see all the eyes of the dudes watching me - not understanding how a tiny redhead can lift so much at one time and not break a sweat.
And when I really want to push myself, I hit the upstairs where in the back is a small free weight area and mirrors. There I can make all the grunting and scrunchy faces I want and nobody will see me.
Yea - I might be vain - so sue me.
No pain, no gain, but vain is sometimes a sane game.
exhaustion.
Getting silly and loopy.
No time for brain aerobics...
I had to buy these cheapo gaudy Liz Taylor meets Paris Hilton sunglasses at a corner store, because when I left in the morning, it was drizzling and cloudy. My luck - had left the shades at home only to step out from the metro to a blazing hot sun.
So I looked like Liz Taylor/Paris Hilton fashion accident.
pretty funny, but it did the job - and for 7$ the shades were a steal.
next lesson 2mrw -another 2 hours followed by a doctor's rv, and then acupuncture, topped off with a gym visit.
Went today - felt like crap at first. Thought that I was going to pass out - needed a sugar fix. Got some glucose tabs which perked me up enough to get some basic cardio. Once the adrenaline was pumping, I got down to businesses - some serious weights.
And I always get such a kick out of being tiny and wiry and strong as hell.
I don't look like I can leg press 200 lbs, or bicep curl almost 20 lbs, but I can and do. I snicker to myself as i see all the eyes of the dudes watching me - not understanding how a tiny redhead can lift so much at one time and not break a sweat.
And when I really want to push myself, I hit the upstairs where in the back is a small free weight area and mirrors. There I can make all the grunting and scrunchy faces I want and nobody will see me.
Yea - I might be vain - so sue me.
No pain, no gain, but vain is sometimes a sane game.
exhaustion.
Getting silly and loopy.
No time for brain aerobics...
Monday, June 02, 2008
lucky #5 - and things that grow out of shit part 2**
According to Elle UK -my #5 in the month of june sounds interesting...
You’re consumed with a burning passion this month. It’s time to take the fire of your heart seriously and move toward what you love with absolute abandonment. What are you waiting for? Haven’t you slaved away behind the scenes long enough? Taking any kind of bold action this month will revive you in an instant. Summer is about to peak, so there is no time to waste. Don’t miss the golden opportunities in your social arena. Put yourself out there; see and be seen and you’ll meet the right people. You’ve got to actively participate in life in order to bring your romantic or creative ideals to full fruition.
If anyone can create beautiful forms out of nothing, it’s you. **
Write a new script for your life by getting in touch with your most intense longings. Half-hearted measures must become a thing of the past. You’ve got much more love around you than you recognize. Get out there and seize the day.
You bet I will...
and some people say that # 7 is a lucky number...
You’re consumed with a burning passion this month. It’s time to take the fire of your heart seriously and move toward what you love with absolute abandonment. What are you waiting for? Haven’t you slaved away behind the scenes long enough? Taking any kind of bold action this month will revive you in an instant. Summer is about to peak, so there is no time to waste. Don’t miss the golden opportunities in your social arena. Put yourself out there; see and be seen and you’ll meet the right people. You’ve got to actively participate in life in order to bring your romantic or creative ideals to full fruition.
If anyone can create beautiful forms out of nothing, it’s you. **
Write a new script for your life by getting in touch with your most intense longings. Half-hearted measures must become a thing of the past. You’ve got much more love around you than you recognize. Get out there and seize the day.
You bet I will...
and some people say that # 7 is a lucky number...
canon muscle
canon muscle
Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty
It's been a long while since I decided to take some self p's - have not been inspired and too tired to do anything creative. Having a bag of wigs handy always seems to do the trick, as some much deserved and needed me alone time.
mucho mucho
I guess what prompted this shoot was the realization that I'm actually going to new york in two weeks - and my self portraits are going to be on display - up for a month to potentially hundreds and hundreds of people to see.
that blows my mind out to space and back.
So I thought I'd be true to myself again - return to my photographic roots and turn the camera on myself once again to see what I could come up with.
The rest of the shoot was not as successful as I hoped it would be, but it was a start - a re-start of sorts.
Have been going to the gym like a madwoman. if I miss a day, I feel clumsy and foggy. Despite the fact that I have been pushing myself past my normal threshold of pain, I don't want to skip any sessions.
Today, my legs were shaking and knees throbbing but I ran through the pain. I will be cursing tomorrow, but it's now become my mantra, the gym, my holy place where I cleanse the body as well as the mind...
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Mystery
well, the cause and origins of these floaters remain a mystery - even to a retina specialist...
Had an inital eye exam, then was off to have a angiogram of my eye. That was fun.
The secretary almost put me into a coma when she said: "and then they are going to inject a dye into your eye, I mean arm - hahahah - sorry about that!"
Not...
As I have said in the past - seen brain and spinal surgeries by the dozen, but anything to do with eyes? You might as well throw me off a building first cause there is no way I'm going to stay put for that!!
Had quite an allergic reaction to the dye - was not too pretty, almost passed out cold, could not move my muscles, had trouble breathing. I told the woman I was sensitive to things like that. She just ignored me. Hopefully I made her day like she made mine...
So from what little images they could capture before I collapsed, the doctor didn't see anything at all. "It's a mystery - there is nothing there..."
which is a good thing, but a bad thing.
if there is nothing there - what is causing the floaters!!!!!
So the question remains - do I stay on my mood stabilizers and hope these spots and strings don't cloud my vision completely, or do I venture into the land of the unknown, and take my chances with coming off this med and perhaps onto another?
The only drawback with going off the lamictal is that I could spiral into a deep state of darkness. I'm managing now - back up on my 125mg dose (from the 112 I was trying for a week until life crumbled to a million pieces) which gives me a little more pep and positive outlook - more than I had a few days ago.
I mean, c'mon. I'm going to new york because I'm part of a group photo show in a brilliant kick ass gallery which a curator who really believes in my work - how could I not be excited?!?!
Well, until a few days ago, I wasn't, and that scared me.
So I will take on the big apple, medicated and happy, floaters and all, and then, once back, will look at my options again. I can only take one day at a time at this point, and perhaps, that's a good thing...
Had an inital eye exam, then was off to have a angiogram of my eye. That was fun.
The secretary almost put me into a coma when she said: "and then they are going to inject a dye into your eye, I mean arm - hahahah - sorry about that!"
Not...
As I have said in the past - seen brain and spinal surgeries by the dozen, but anything to do with eyes? You might as well throw me off a building first cause there is no way I'm going to stay put for that!!
Had quite an allergic reaction to the dye - was not too pretty, almost passed out cold, could not move my muscles, had trouble breathing. I told the woman I was sensitive to things like that. She just ignored me. Hopefully I made her day like she made mine...
So from what little images they could capture before I collapsed, the doctor didn't see anything at all. "It's a mystery - there is nothing there..."
which is a good thing, but a bad thing.
if there is nothing there - what is causing the floaters!!!!!
So the question remains - do I stay on my mood stabilizers and hope these spots and strings don't cloud my vision completely, or do I venture into the land of the unknown, and take my chances with coming off this med and perhaps onto another?
The only drawback with going off the lamictal is that I could spiral into a deep state of darkness. I'm managing now - back up on my 125mg dose (from the 112 I was trying for a week until life crumbled to a million pieces) which gives me a little more pep and positive outlook - more than I had a few days ago.
I mean, c'mon. I'm going to new york because I'm part of a group photo show in a brilliant kick ass gallery which a curator who really believes in my work - how could I not be excited?!?!
Well, until a few days ago, I wasn't, and that scared me.
So I will take on the big apple, medicated and happy, floaters and all, and then, once back, will look at my options again. I can only take one day at a time at this point, and perhaps, that's a good thing...
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
doctor crisis
and to top things off from last night's post, I got a call today from my psychiatrist - he's leaving the province - going out west leaving me in the lurch - again.
I've been through 4 so far - one went on maternity leave, the other retired, the other just gave up on me, and the one before this went to another hospital.
now # 5.
Changing doctors is a big hassle - having to go over years of past history of medications and symptoms, their learning curve to how I respond to medications, and with my complicated life story and chemical sensitivity, it's a huge case load from one patient.
not to mention that if we don't see eye to eye about my next leg of treatment - that means grief for both of us because I know what I need, what I can't and can take. I am my own best advocate for better mental health. Having read up on almost all the medications out there, and having taken 95% of them already, who better to say what works and what doesn't?
but it's also the whole "investing time and effort, personal self exposure/vulnerabilities" once too many times, and to have to do it all over again - it's taxing on the mind and body.
Like I needed this to happen now...
don't feel like tempting fate by asking what's next, but it's in the back of my mind.
How hard it is to hope that tomorrow will be a better day when today and yesterday began to flood my hopes that things can actually get worse before they get better when they've gone past the worst case scenario...
I've been through 4 so far - one went on maternity leave, the other retired, the other just gave up on me, and the one before this went to another hospital.
now # 5.
Changing doctors is a big hassle - having to go over years of past history of medications and symptoms, their learning curve to how I respond to medications, and with my complicated life story and chemical sensitivity, it's a huge case load from one patient.
not to mention that if we don't see eye to eye about my next leg of treatment - that means grief for both of us because I know what I need, what I can't and can take. I am my own best advocate for better mental health. Having read up on almost all the medications out there, and having taken 95% of them already, who better to say what works and what doesn't?
but it's also the whole "investing time and effort, personal self exposure/vulnerabilities" once too many times, and to have to do it all over again - it's taxing on the mind and body.
Like I needed this to happen now...
don't feel like tempting fate by asking what's next, but it's in the back of my mind.
How hard it is to hope that tomorrow will be a better day when today and yesterday began to flood my hopes that things can actually get worse before they get better when they've gone past the worst case scenario...
Monday, May 26, 2008
When the light fails to come
I like to make it my personal policy to be honest with people - honest with my photography, honest with myself.
it seems that the past few months have taken more of a toll on me than I had expected or hoped. I find myself slipping into a darker abyss that is deeper than I had first imagined.
Since I had increased my mood stabilizers (in January - to help me cope with my mother's cancer returning) I have been gradually losing my eyesight. It started out with small transparent floaters (little clear spots, thread like lines) which have now become so bad that I can barely see clearly.
Imagine looking through a bug splattered windshield in the rain - that is what I see on a daily basis, and it's only getting worse.
My options so far are - get off the mood stabilizers and run the risk of falling into a deeper depression/severe manic episodes, or have my eyesight slowly degenerate and keep an even keel to my life.
It's ironic - just when things were starting to smooth out for me, life was begining to get somewhat balanced, I was slowly finding peace and happiness, I have to now decide: which vision will I chose to live without - a photographic one, or a one of a stable life/mood.
After seeing my ophthalmologist (who was puzzled by the condition), I'm going to see a retina specialist on Thursday who will then decide what the next step will be, but from what I've been told, this condition is irreversible, and if not taken care of, could progress into severe retinal toxicity which could eventually lead to blindness...
A photographer who slowly goes blind - oh the irony...
It's been a week since my incremental decrease in Lamictal - and I'm already feeling it.
Find myself weeping uncontrollably, the rage is begining to sir deep inside my belly. Unprovoked, I fall to pieces and shake uncontrollably at increasing intervals. And this despite the fact that I have been ever so diligent about going to the gym at least 3 up to 4 times a week
"Depression and anxiety - Exercises eases symptoms"
It's been a month and things are just getting worse - how can it be? It seems if I had been doing everything right?
Except decrease my mood stabilizers in the hopes of saving my eyesight.
But what do I do?
Trade apples for oranges?
I'm at such a loss - so confused.
and today, mom told me how scared she is that her next doctor's appointment will be the one with the fatal diagnosis - because if the cancer comes back, there is nothing they can do except remove more organs, more tissue, until it has taken up so much of her body, all she can do is succumb to the disease...
Now, I must give my eyes and mind a rest and hope that tomorrow will be brighter and clearer...
it seems that the past few months have taken more of a toll on me than I had expected or hoped. I find myself slipping into a darker abyss that is deeper than I had first imagined.
Since I had increased my mood stabilizers (in January - to help me cope with my mother's cancer returning) I have been gradually losing my eyesight. It started out with small transparent floaters (little clear spots, thread like lines) which have now become so bad that I can barely see clearly.
Imagine looking through a bug splattered windshield in the rain - that is what I see on a daily basis, and it's only getting worse.
My options so far are - get off the mood stabilizers and run the risk of falling into a deeper depression/severe manic episodes, or have my eyesight slowly degenerate and keep an even keel to my life.
It's ironic - just when things were starting to smooth out for me, life was begining to get somewhat balanced, I was slowly finding peace and happiness, I have to now decide: which vision will I chose to live without - a photographic one, or a one of a stable life/mood.
After seeing my ophthalmologist (who was puzzled by the condition), I'm going to see a retina specialist on Thursday who will then decide what the next step will be, but from what I've been told, this condition is irreversible, and if not taken care of, could progress into severe retinal toxicity which could eventually lead to blindness...
A photographer who slowly goes blind - oh the irony...
It's been a week since my incremental decrease in Lamictal - and I'm already feeling it.
Find myself weeping uncontrollably, the rage is begining to sir deep inside my belly. Unprovoked, I fall to pieces and shake uncontrollably at increasing intervals. And this despite the fact that I have been ever so diligent about going to the gym at least 3 up to 4 times a week
"Depression and anxiety - Exercises eases symptoms"
It's been a month and things are just getting worse - how can it be? It seems if I had been doing everything right?
Except decrease my mood stabilizers in the hopes of saving my eyesight.
But what do I do?
Trade apples for oranges?
I'm at such a loss - so confused.
and today, mom told me how scared she is that her next doctor's appointment will be the one with the fatal diagnosis - because if the cancer comes back, there is nothing they can do except remove more organs, more tissue, until it has taken up so much of her body, all she can do is succumb to the disease...
Now, I must give my eyes and mind a rest and hope that tomorrow will be brighter and clearer...
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Letter from a good friend at the other end of the world
This is a letter from a friend who is in Asia right now. Far away from home, he has lost may things close to him, but keeps on moving forward with such grace and beauty which completely mesmerizes and inspires me.
I wrote him about my upcoming eye doctor appointment (he also had one nasty story of an eye operation that almost made me pass out cold after reading about it) about the death of his mother last year, and how leaving a city which he once called home, to uproot memories and emotions can be both a painful and liberating experience.
This was his reply.
Thank you B - thank you for understanding and letting me understand you too.
jeez, tears in my eyes and heart. you get it, and then some. thank you so much for taking the time to share all of this. so felt and appreciated. and i really hope the appointment with the doctor goes well. keep me posted on that.
as far as mom goes... that one hurts like no other. something i thought about yesterday while walking though, is that it's important we don't go into some sort of depressive inner retreat when dealing with such matters... and thus become a little more closed off.
these things are already hard enough ... like trying to grow flowers from a soil made of concrete. no sense in making the equation any more difficult to piece together and decipher.
the focus should be on the flowers before you, with no attention paid to how long they'll last. immerse yourself in the goodness of them now, and then remain a dominion for more to grow from later.
it's all we can do. be strong. i know you have it within you to do nothing but this.
b
I wrote him about my upcoming eye doctor appointment (he also had one nasty story of an eye operation that almost made me pass out cold after reading about it) about the death of his mother last year, and how leaving a city which he once called home, to uproot memories and emotions can be both a painful and liberating experience.
This was his reply.
Thank you B - thank you for understanding and letting me understand you too.
jeez, tears in my eyes and heart. you get it, and then some. thank you so much for taking the time to share all of this. so felt and appreciated. and i really hope the appointment with the doctor goes well. keep me posted on that.
as far as mom goes... that one hurts like no other. something i thought about yesterday while walking though, is that it's important we don't go into some sort of depressive inner retreat when dealing with such matters... and thus become a little more closed off.
these things are already hard enough ... like trying to grow flowers from a soil made of concrete. no sense in making the equation any more difficult to piece together and decipher.
the focus should be on the flowers before you, with no attention paid to how long they'll last. immerse yourself in the goodness of them now, and then remain a dominion for more to grow from later.
it's all we can do. be strong. i know you have it within you to do nothing but this.
b
Saturday, May 24, 2008
photosensitive.com
Here she is! My mom over on the far right side of the frame!
I could not be in Toronto for the opening so Lù_
took this great shot for me (thanks Lù_!!) and after going on the site, I see that my mom is there again - on the contact page.
And you can actually see her photo via the main page - look for "mothers" and scroll a few pages over.
What an amazing project this was to be a part of - and to see so many others whose lives were touched by the disease is quite humbling. I know she will be so happy when I show her this photo.
She has new scars now from her latest surgery - a geography of pain and healing, a bodyscape of disease and survival. Those will be for our next project
Monday, May 19, 2008
dancing with the stars
I truly have hope that you never have to go through any more bad stuff because the astrological stars say that you are near them this year
this was from a good friend who knows his stars
I know some of you might say: "That's all bs, and that you can control your own fate/destiny", but there is only so much you can actually control, the rest you have to work around and make due with what you have/get.
But with all that said - any hint that more shit my be flying by way express freaks me out.
I think worst case scenario - mom's cancer comes back aggressively, giving her a few months to live, same with my father, my 85 year old grandmother also goes quickly, I'm flat broke and have to sell all that I own just to make ends meet, my love life falls apart and both of my cats die (and keep in mind - worst case scenario - all of this takes place in a span of less than 6 months), and I end up losing my mind and end up in a mental hospital (actually, that would not seem so bad - a break and escape from all these horrible things...)
sure, I can look at all of these worst case scenarios and say either:
a) lets go and hide in the fallout shelter and bring lots of water
or
b) piss off!
but on today's cold fall-like day, worst case scenario seems like best case scenario, while the world quickly spins before my floater speckled eyes...
this was from a good friend who knows his stars
I know some of you might say: "That's all bs, and that you can control your own fate/destiny", but there is only so much you can actually control, the rest you have to work around and make due with what you have/get.
But with all that said - any hint that more shit my be flying by way express freaks me out.
I think worst case scenario - mom's cancer comes back aggressively, giving her a few months to live, same with my father, my 85 year old grandmother also goes quickly, I'm flat broke and have to sell all that I own just to make ends meet, my love life falls apart and both of my cats die (and keep in mind - worst case scenario - all of this takes place in a span of less than 6 months), and I end up losing my mind and end up in a mental hospital (actually, that would not seem so bad - a break and escape from all these horrible things...)
sure, I can look at all of these worst case scenarios and say either:
a) lets go and hide in the fallout shelter and bring lots of water
or
b) piss off!
but on today's cold fall-like day, worst case scenario seems like best case scenario, while the world quickly spins before my floater speckled eyes...
Saturday, May 17, 2008
marketing
I went to drop off my frames yesterday - picked up the prints, five of them, for the show in New York in June. As we laid them out on the table, a woman who was having her own pieces framed looked over to us. Judy glanced over and took a peek at my work.
"oh K, those are simply stunning!'
The woman's curiosity got the best of her. She walked over to have a peek.
"she's a photographer you know..."
And as this stranger stood behind my shoulder, I began to shrink and blush. Somebody was looking at my photos with a critical eye. Obviously knowledgeable about art, her opinion was something that made me curious, yet at the same time, apprehensive.
"those are really beautiful. Very beautiful..."
Her eyes fixed on the ethereal bathroom shots of a dancing body.
"would you like to see the rest?"
And as I fanned out the rest of the 4 photos, the 5 year old in me began to blush and fidget nervously. What would she say if she saw the rest of them? Would she flip if she knew they were me? And where do I get off taking these photos of myself and call them art?
"that's me. These are all self-portraits."
And like the opening of a flower, each image delicately unfolded and exposed a little piece of my soul. Each image my personal journey translated through pixels.
transfixed (I'm not exaggerating here...) she nodded and paused.
"wow - these are really spectacular."
And looking at me - (well, she was about a foot and a half taller than me, or had I began to slouch?) said: "Thank you. These are really wonderful."
My face turned beet red, and quickly turned to the young lady with the 50 shades of white mats in her hands.
Like a kid caught with their hand in the candy jar, I felt guilty for showing my art, guilty for having somebody like it so much that, had I prompted with a few words like: "they are for sale you know..." could have landed me a few hundred dollars in my pocket. I felt guilty for entertaining the possibility of making a buck off my art.
And as she left, I heard her say goodbye to J, and then a separate salutation to me - the artist.
Kicking myself several times, I knew that my first instinct should have been to whip out my business card and a follow up question/confirmation that she was in fact, interested in buying my art; but that moment had passed, and running down the street after her just would have looked psychotic. But I did tell the girl to pass along my card to her, just in case she was really interested.
Getting into mom's car (who had been waiting patiently for almost 45 minutes), I sighed deeply.
"Guess what. I think I was about to sell some of my unframed photos, but I chickened out."
"You have to get used to the fact that people might want to buy your art. Think like a marketing person. Don't be afraid to sell!"
and that moment rung true - flashed of some of the photographers I know, who brazenly prostitute their work, despite it being total shit (from a technical point of view) to anybody who has a pulse, and manage to end up in magazines, with book deals and in high profile galleries while I carefully and possessively protect my work - afraid to let it out to explore the "big world" for fear of being judged harshly, or falling and skinning its knees. My art should have wings, and my whole being as an artist is to touch lives, not to make a buck, but hell, if it happens, that's a bonus.
No, it's not a bonus, it's a necessity at this point.
With no job or prospects on the horizon, I need to make my photography work for me. Lots of blood and sweat have gone into each image, and having fallen into debt for more than 30 grand from a cinema and a photography degree, I have earned the right to market my work for maximum profit - and knock on wood - having sold three pieces in the past six months, I think it's finally starting to happen.
And with another New York show under my belt (I think it's coming up on the 5th or 6th), it's hight time I toot my own horn and show the world what I've got.
Amen to that!
Friday, May 09, 2008
I am wilma flintstone...
Letter to a friend about my experience with the eye doctor yesterday
I was gonna call you after my eye doctor's last night - but I was in bad shape. He gave me some drops to dilate my pupils and it f-d me up big time. I could not see 2 feet in front of me -
had to call e to pick me up at the hospital - my pupils were as big as frying pans - I swear - with the red hair, I looked like Wilma Flintstone.
Seriously - no joke. E looks like Fred, and me beside him...?
I was waiting to step into his car with the cement wheels...
So I was thinking that these acid eye drops would only last 30 minutes tops. I almost flipped when the doc
told me up to 4 hours!!!
So aside from age - he said stress could be a possibility - but what worried him more was the fact
that I've been on plaquenil for 10 years. "retina Toxicity is a possibility with plaquenil - the effects are cumulative - so I'm sending you to see a retina specialist"
Yum. More eye poking around.
Nothing freaks me out more than eyeballs.
For the sake of F&*K, I've taken pictures of brain and spinal surgeries, and that was a walk in the park when it comes to eyes.
I go beyond the heebeegeebees - I feel ill and have freaky out of body experiences that are not pleasant.
after the doctor finished burning my pupil with these lights that ended up making me stars until this morning, I'm dreading what this RETINA doctor is going to do....
I guess I can always go trick or treating early as a member of the modern stone aged family...
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
upsides of being down...
Upsides of being down
Focusing on depression in a purely clinical way is preventing us understanding our susceptibility to it and ignores the good it can bring, argues psychiatrist Paul Keedwell
- The Guardian,
- Wednesday February 27 2008
- Article history
This article appeared in the Guardian on Wednesday February 27 2008 on p1 of the Society news & features section. It was last updated at 13:02 on March 03 2008.
Stephen Fry was accused of 'normalising' mental illness when he discussed his bipolar disorder. Photograph: Kirsty Wigglesworth/PA/Pool
The following correction was printed in the Guardian's Corrections and clarifications column, Monday March 3 2008
We exaggerated the precociousness of John Stuart Mill in saying he wrote his famous work Utilitarianism in 1861 at the age of 19 in the article below. He was 55 at the time.
Discuss the positive aspects of mental disorder, and the British public seems to feel threatened. When actor Stephen Fry gave an account of his bipolar disorder, he was accused of "normalising" what was a "severe mental illness", that he had the luxury of shunning treatment due to his privilege and wealth. These sorts of criticisms missed the point: his wealth was earned largely because of his so-called disorder. The years when he was contributing to hit TV shows such as A Bit of Fry and Laurie and Black Adder were largely fuelled by protracted periods of elevated mood - in the form of mild mania, or "hypomania".
On the other hand, straightforward depression (unipolar depression) has no elated, productive, hypomanic side and, as a consequence, very few people have written about the positive aspects of the condition. The focus has been on the acute symptoms of what can be an incapacitating illness, while forgetting that depression has meaning, and that there is a life after recovery.
The assumption that depression is a disease has been reinforced and perpetuated by biologists, psychiatrists and pharmaceutical companies, all of whom have a vested interest - consciously or unconsciously - in the clinical perspective. This might be an appropriate model for the more severe "melancholic" forms of depression that psychiatrists tend to see, but not for the majority of cases of depression. Most depression is dealt with in the GP surgery or resolves itself without a single medical consultation. Most of the time, depression is hidden from view because of the stigma attached to it.
Although technological advances in antidepressant treatments have undoubtedly been responsible for the alleviation of much suffering, strict adherence to the medical (disease) model is preventing a more complete understanding of why we as a species are so susceptible to depression, with at least 20% of men and 25% of women experiencing the condition in their lifetimes. The disease model may also be engendering a sense of powerlessness in those with depression or ex-sufferers. What so commonly goes along with this perspective is the implication that the condition is due to some unusual constitutional weakness. The only solution, therefore, is chemical.
It is a complete nonsense to talk of depression being unusual when it is plainly common. The search for a "depression gene" has foundered because the genetic underpinnings are spread across the population, like the genes determining height. Most of us probably have a moderate susceptibility to the condition under certain stressful circumstances. Nevertheless, we see GPs overprescribing antidepressants, and the World Health Organisation talks of increasing access to "treatment" to deal with the global epidemic in depression-related disability - predicted to be second only to heart disease as the most important cause of disability by 2010. All of this ignores the "ultimate" cause of depression.
My recent review of theories and personal observations suggests that depression might serve some useful functions. It also highlights how ideas that have been around since the 1960s have been largely ignored by the mainstream media. The "war of depression" - between the view that depression is enlightening and the view that it is hindering - has raged for a long time.
The truth is that short-term pain can lead to longer-term gain. A recently published follow-up study of depression in Holland - the Netherlands Mental Health Survey and Incidence Study (Nemesis) - used a sample of 165 people with a major depressive episode, and provides some preliminary scientific evidence to suggest that depression is indeed helpful in the longer term. Researchers who were looking for evidence to suggest that depression leaves people chronically disabled were surprised to discover the opposite.
Life's trials
The population they followed from before illness to the period after recovery showed that people seemed to cope better with life's trials after depression than they were doing before its onset. In the group as a whole, averaged ratings of vitality, psychological health, social and leisure activities, occupational performance and general health all significantly improved upon recovery from depression, compared to functioning prior to the depression. A minority of individuals got worse after a depressive episode, mostly in the realms of general health, vitality, and physical functioning. However, much to the researchers' surprise, severity of depression and availability of treatment were not significant predictors of this decline. It was more to do with additional problems such as social isolation, having a physical illness, or drug or alcohol addiction.
Depression can lead to great insights and achievements. The precocious philosopher John Stuart Mill wrote his famous work, Utilitarianism, in 1861 at the age of 19 and became depressed at the age of 21. Upon recovery, he confessed that the experience had taught him an important lesson - that he should not sacrifice his social and emotional development to intellectual ambition. More than 2,000 years ago, Socrates warned of the same danger: melancholia was thought to be a consequence of rigorous philosophising. However, Aristotle believed it to be a state of immense moral and spiritual value because of the insights it could bring.
Evolutionary theories of depression explore why the condition has apparently persisted so commonly and universally since ancient times. Culturally sensitive surveys of traditional communities of the world suggest that the "core elements" of depression are indeed universal. Certain communities in Africa regard depression as a natural consequence of an inter-dependent way of life, and those with depression are given time out from normal responsibilities until they recover.
Furthermore, we see the behavioural manifestation of depression occurring in other mammals that have the same capacity for maternal bonding, intimate relationships, and play, and that have similar brain biology.
To explain why depression has not been "bred out" through Darwinian natural selection, theories have suggested that rather than being a defect, depression could be a defence against the chronic stress that misguided people can put themselves under. It is possible that depression defends us against the tendency to deny our true needs by chasing unobtainable goals and helps to bring these needs into sharper focus. More specifically, the proposed benefits are as follows: removal from a stressful situation, introspection, problem solving, the development of a new perspective, and reintegrating this with the community upon recovery.
This sequence is repeated in the legends, myths, tribal beliefs, and religions of the world that tell the story of solitary exploration in adversity leading to personal growth.
Depression may bring about a "rebirth" because it removes self-delusion. There is some evidence from scientific studies to show that depressed people are rather more realistic in their thinking than "healthy" individuals - the phenomenon of "depressive realism". It prompted the scientific journalist Kyla Dunn to write: "One cognitive symptom of depression might be the loss of optimistic, self-enhancing biases that normally protect healthy people against assaults to their self-esteem. In many instances, depressives may simply be judging themselves and the world much more accurately than non-depressed people, and finding it not a pretty place."
With recovery, and with the lifting of mood, a new kind of truth could emerge that lies somewhere between the overly optimistic and the overly negative. The new truth would be devoid of blind optimism: a more humble assessment of the depressed person's own capability, containing a more balanced picture of his or her perceived strengths and limitations.
Other functions have been proposed by evolutionary psychologists. Ed Hagan has suggested that getting depressed is like going on strike for better pay and conditions - it is a way of making the wider social network more aware of your needs. Paul Watson has suggested that the sobering quality of depression makes us more aware of any changes that might need to occur in that social network.
Coping strategies
Depression may have forced our ancestors to look again at their strengths and their limitations, their coping strategies, their direction, their priorities, their supports. Regardless of the reason for falling into depression, the journey has the potential to make us better equipped, in a general sense, for life. If we are too busy to think and feel, to be mindful, depression might represent the first opportunity to take an honest inventory of ourselves. If the modern world prevents us from learning from depression, perhaps it is the fault of the modern world and not this ubiquitous
beautiful things grow out of shit...
The new Daniel Lanois cd has inspired me -
and her is the letter to a friend...
i just wanted to apologize for the horrible and gloomy email I sent to you the other week. Sometimes I forget that not everybody wants to hear me gripe and complain about how hard life is - I can be such a downer, and I'm so sorry for having dumped that on you. I know you have so much of your own shit going on and I didn't mean to add to it all...
I'm leveling off somewhat. My mom is getting back into the swing of things, but I have to keep on reminding her that she had two huge operations done at the same time - had a part of her lung and all of her lymph nodes in her armpit removed, had a huge stomach flu - was not on any pain meds for the first day after the operation (which still makes me angry and horrified) and spent two weeks in a shithole that was equal to a third world country hospital. She has her good days when she zips around the city, visiting my grandmother and shopping, but then she gets tired. NO KIDDING LADY! I tell her - the body needs time to heal, and I'm realizing, so does the mind. Never thought of the mind as a muscle - we take for granted that we are always using it - keeping it running 24/7 - even in our sleep, but it too needs rest - and after any traumatic experience, it too needs a period of recuperation and regeneration - and we both are needing to find that space where we can take part in these things...
I picked up the new Daniel Lanois cd - (he worked with U2 and Brian Eno). His music is kinda folky and ambient. He did all the production work on U2's Unforgettable Fire CD so if you know it - that's his style... Well, I'm a huge fan and when i got the cd, and listened to it, I thought of u - it's so complex, on so many levels, and as an artist, he strives to find soul and meaning in his work and life. There was one conversation he has with Brian Eno on the cd...
LANOIS: I’m trying to make a film…about beauty itself… about the source of the art rather than everything that surrounds the art…
ENO: …What would really be interesting for people to see [in your film] is how beautiful things grow out of shit, because nobody ever believes that… Everybody thinks that Beethoven had his string quartets completely in his head, that it somehow appeared formed in his head… and all he had to do was write them down… But what would really be a lesson that everyone could learn is that things come out of nothing… the tiniest seed in the right situation turns into the most beautiful forest. And then the most promising seed in the wrong situation turns into nothing… and I think this would be important for people to understand because it gives people confidence in their own lives to know this is how things work… If you walk around with the idea that there are some people so gifted and have these wonderful things in their head, but you’re not one of them – you’re just a normal person who could never do anything like that - then you live a different kind of life. You could have another kind of life where you say, “Well I know that things come from nothing very much, start from unpromising beginnings, and I’m an unpromising beginning, and I could start something…”
I’m an unpromising beginning, and I could start something…
That almost left me in tears - something in it rung true - to me, for us - what we are looking for in life, what we are looking for in our art, even within ourselves. The idea that we are all coming from nothing, every day - a new day - a clean slate, our bodies - constantly regenerating new cells, that as artists, our souls can start something new as well...
and her is the letter to a friend...
i just wanted to apologize for the horrible and gloomy email I sent to you the other week. Sometimes I forget that not everybody wants to hear me gripe and complain about how hard life is - I can be such a downer, and I'm so sorry for having dumped that on you. I know you have so much of your own shit going on and I didn't mean to add to it all...
I'm leveling off somewhat. My mom is getting back into the swing of things, but I have to keep on reminding her that she had two huge operations done at the same time - had a part of her lung and all of her lymph nodes in her armpit removed, had a huge stomach flu - was not on any pain meds for the first day after the operation (which still makes me angry and horrified) and spent two weeks in a shithole that was equal to a third world country hospital. She has her good days when she zips around the city, visiting my grandmother and shopping, but then she gets tired. NO KIDDING LADY! I tell her - the body needs time to heal, and I'm realizing, so does the mind. Never thought of the mind as a muscle - we take for granted that we are always using it - keeping it running 24/7 - even in our sleep, but it too needs rest - and after any traumatic experience, it too needs a period of recuperation and regeneration - and we both are needing to find that space where we can take part in these things...
I picked up the new Daniel Lanois cd - (he worked with U2 and Brian Eno). His music is kinda folky and ambient. He did all the production work on U2's Unforgettable Fire CD so if you know it - that's his style... Well, I'm a huge fan and when i got the cd, and listened to it, I thought of u - it's so complex, on so many levels, and as an artist, he strives to find soul and meaning in his work and life. There was one conversation he has with Brian Eno on the cd...
LANOIS: I’m trying to make a film…about beauty itself… about the source of the art rather than everything that surrounds the art…
ENO: …What would really be interesting for people to see [in your film] is how beautiful things grow out of shit, because nobody ever believes that… Everybody thinks that Beethoven had his string quartets completely in his head, that it somehow appeared formed in his head… and all he had to do was write them down… But what would really be a lesson that everyone could learn is that things come out of nothing… the tiniest seed in the right situation turns into the most beautiful forest. And then the most promising seed in the wrong situation turns into nothing… and I think this would be important for people to understand because it gives people confidence in their own lives to know this is how things work… If you walk around with the idea that there are some people so gifted and have these wonderful things in their head, but you’re not one of them – you’re just a normal person who could never do anything like that - then you live a different kind of life. You could have another kind of life where you say, “Well I know that things come from nothing very much, start from unpromising beginnings, and I’m an unpromising beginning, and I could start something…”
I’m an unpromising beginning, and I could start something…
That almost left me in tears - something in it rung true - to me, for us - what we are looking for in life, what we are looking for in our art, even within ourselves. The idea that we are all coming from nothing, every day - a new day - a clean slate, our bodies - constantly regenerating new cells, that as artists, our souls can start something new as well...
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Thursday, April 10, 2008
The best way to find yourself
"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others."
~ Gandhi
Mom is coming home today. And after the arduous journey we've had, it will be a real warm homecoming.
I have learned many things on this journey - the most important being that when we serve others selflessly, we can really begin to find peace within ourselves.
It has been a long and at times really rough and brutal road, but knowing that I was there to hold her hand when she was at her weakest, being able to stand up for her when she could, not made me realize just how much she has done for me, and what a blessing it was for me to give it back to her.
so we are on the mend, upward and onward, hoping for the best, and thankful for every day we have together and the memories we now share.
~ Gandhi
Mom is coming home today. And after the arduous journey we've had, it will be a real warm homecoming.
I have learned many things on this journey - the most important being that when we serve others selflessly, we can really begin to find peace within ourselves.
It has been a long and at times really rough and brutal road, but knowing that I was there to hold her hand when she was at her weakest, being able to stand up for her when she could, not made me realize just how much she has done for me, and what a blessing it was for me to give it back to her.
so we are on the mend, upward and onward, hoping for the best, and thankful for every day we have together and the memories we now share.
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
pooh pooh
I got a call from mom this morning - there are 10 cases and growing of a nasty nasty gastro/stomach flu on the floor! On the 7th floor, they've imposed a complete quarantine - every patient has it along with 2 nurses.
When it rains, it pours!
But she sounds a little better - was able to eat a toast and a few sips of coffee and keep it down since 9am this morning.
What a wild ride it's been - from nasty nurses, food from from a david lynch movie to this outbreak of gastroenteritis.
whatever doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger - right?
yea - right...
but all we can do is laugh - and hope for the best, and look forward to a better tomorrow.
When it rains, it pours!
But she sounds a little better - was able to eat a toast and a few sips of coffee and keep it down since 9am this morning.
What a wild ride it's been - from nasty nurses, food from from a david lynch movie to this outbreak of gastroenteritis.
whatever doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger - right?
yea - right...
but all we can do is laugh - and hope for the best, and look forward to a better tomorrow.
Monday, April 07, 2008
irony
how ironic is it that today, the day my mother was supposed to be discharged from the hospital, she comes down with (what we hope is nothing serious and is only) a stomach flu?!
And she was in such good spirits over the past few days - looking better and on the mend...
and double irony - the doctor told her the other day:
"the longer you stay here, the greater your chances of catching something."
that was a belated april fools joke - as all of this seems to have been and is quickly becoming...
oh yea - she was admitted on the 1st of April...
And she was in such good spirits over the past few days - looking better and on the mend...
and double irony - the doctor told her the other day:
"the longer you stay here, the greater your chances of catching something."
that was a belated april fools joke - as all of this seems to have been and is quickly becoming...
oh yea - she was admitted on the 1st of April...
Saturday, April 05, 2008
happy happy day!
Ah - my birthday was brilliant!
It really was a day to remember.
Quick update:
went to see my mom - at 3:30pm exactly (the time I was born 40 years ago) with a cafe au lait and a bouquet of flowers to celebrate my birthday and her successful birthing. She really got a kick out of that. We even decided to re-create the birthing scene - I sat and winced at the foot of the bed while she made a schrunched up face - the same one she made as she pushed me out after 36 hours of labor. Even her best friend Betty was there - as she was 40 years ago, timing my mom's contractions. We all had a really good laugh - and what is better medicine than laughter?
E took me out for an amazing filet mignon dinner. Oh, how I was longing for a good steak after a week of processed box dinners and bland kosher lunch sandwiches! I had a nice big glass of wine and apple crumble for desert. Hmm. Mouth just watering thinking about it!
I bet E that I would be the first to fall asleep when we got home, and was looking forward to doing so, until I got the pants scared off of me by a rousing "surprise!" from my friends!
The dude tried to round up as many of my friends as he could to throw me a surprise party. This was the first one ever - and it was so very very special.
We had a wonderful time - sharing memories (some of them, more than 20 years old. Now that's a way to make a group of people feel over the hill!) and got some words of wisdom from my 40 something gang of pals: "Life really does being at 40. You've gone through so many milestones in your life, have amassed wisdom and experience. Would you really want to do it all over again? You're mature and finally comfortable in your skin. These are the good days.
And indeed they are... :-)
It really was a day to remember.
Quick update:
went to see my mom - at 3:30pm exactly (the time I was born 40 years ago) with a cafe au lait and a bouquet of flowers to celebrate my birthday and her successful birthing. She really got a kick out of that. We even decided to re-create the birthing scene - I sat and winced at the foot of the bed while she made a schrunched up face - the same one she made as she pushed me out after 36 hours of labor. Even her best friend Betty was there - as she was 40 years ago, timing my mom's contractions. We all had a really good laugh - and what is better medicine than laughter?
E took me out for an amazing filet mignon dinner. Oh, how I was longing for a good steak after a week of processed box dinners and bland kosher lunch sandwiches! I had a nice big glass of wine and apple crumble for desert. Hmm. Mouth just watering thinking about it!
I bet E that I would be the first to fall asleep when we got home, and was looking forward to doing so, until I got the pants scared off of me by a rousing "surprise!" from my friends!
The dude tried to round up as many of my friends as he could to throw me a surprise party. This was the first one ever - and it was so very very special.
We had a wonderful time - sharing memories (some of them, more than 20 years old. Now that's a way to make a group of people feel over the hill!) and got some words of wisdom from my 40 something gang of pals: "Life really does being at 40. You've gone through so many milestones in your life, have amassed wisdom and experience. Would you really want to do it all over again? You're mature and finally comfortable in your skin. These are the good days.
And indeed they are... :-)
Thursday, April 03, 2008
hell in a hosptial doctors handbag and U2
Oh
my
God
Those three words express so much when I think of all the horrors my mother has experienced since the postponement of her operation - not to mention day one from when she was operated on Wednesday morning.
But the good thing is that she is on the mend and fingers crossed, will continue to do so despite the horrible circumstances that seem to surround her with ever breath she takes. And also that we are taking it all in stride - with a smile.
I mean, when things couldn't get any worse (like when the epidural she was supposed to have for her pain was actually running down her back and not into her spine because it was inserted improperly !!!??!!) the recovery room nurse breaks the machine that was taking the fluid out my mom's lungs, tosses it on her bed, and ships her off to her new room without any indication that it needed repairs (it was only my mother who noticed that it was not working...), to cleaning machines whirling down the hall at 4am, and doctors yelling to eachother at 5am across her bed - all we could do was laugh to keep from crying.
This experience has taught me that there are two types of people in the world - those who are completely ambivalent about people's suffering, and those who genuinely care. We have seen both sides of the coin, but if it weren't for the handful doctors and nurses who went the extra mile, this really would have been a nightmare come true. Instead we are left with Larson-esque tales from the FarSidesque hospital from hell which will rekindle amusing memories to tell our friends and family for years to come.
***
Mom apologized today for not being able to get me a birthday present. She had given me an early one a few weeks ago - a spice rack (a really fancy one - like a lazy susan) and said:
"I really feel bad for not getting you anything, but just spin your spice rack and think of me."
And how ironic is it that I will be spending time with her in the hospital this afternoon when 40 years ago to the day (and at 3:30pm - to the hour) , she was in a hospital bringing me into the world.
I told her we would celebrate by wearing bed pans as party hats and blow up latex gloves for balloons. At this point, we don't care if they all think we're nuts - they drove us there in a limousine!
***
despite me being terrified about turning the big number, I tried to calm myself and silence those nagging pessimistic mantras with memories of happier times - back in cegep with good friends, and being a dj at the campus radio station. What a blast from the past it was when a special song came on my ipod: "in the name of love" by U2.
A few days after the single came out in 1984, I had my show at the station and decided to play it for the first time. People went wild and came in by the dozens to ask what they were hearing.
I was born April 4th - the exact same day martin luther king got shot.
Early morning, April 4
Shot rings out in the Memphis sky
Free at last, they took your life
They could not take your pride
It seems like yesterday, but that afternoon remains etched in my memory - and what a sweet memory it is.
That spring afternoon, the sun was shining, life was full of possibilities, I was young but embraced turning one year older. Some recollections of really happy times in my life.
This afternoon, after the visit with my mom, it was also a sunny day. The snow was melting, and on the horizon - new beginnings.
Now I'm a year older looking forward to making this the happiest time of my life.
happy birthday to me :-)
my
God
Those three words express so much when I think of all the horrors my mother has experienced since the postponement of her operation - not to mention day one from when she was operated on Wednesday morning.
But the good thing is that she is on the mend and fingers crossed, will continue to do so despite the horrible circumstances that seem to surround her with ever breath she takes. And also that we are taking it all in stride - with a smile.
I mean, when things couldn't get any worse (like when the epidural she was supposed to have for her pain was actually running down her back and not into her spine because it was inserted improperly !!!??!!) the recovery room nurse breaks the machine that was taking the fluid out my mom's lungs, tosses it on her bed, and ships her off to her new room without any indication that it needed repairs (it was only my mother who noticed that it was not working...), to cleaning machines whirling down the hall at 4am, and doctors yelling to eachother at 5am across her bed - all we could do was laugh to keep from crying.
This experience has taught me that there are two types of people in the world - those who are completely ambivalent about people's suffering, and those who genuinely care. We have seen both sides of the coin, but if it weren't for the handful doctors and nurses who went the extra mile, this really would have been a nightmare come true. Instead we are left with Larson-esque tales from the FarSidesque hospital from hell which will rekindle amusing memories to tell our friends and family for years to come.
***
Mom apologized today for not being able to get me a birthday present. She had given me an early one a few weeks ago - a spice rack (a really fancy one - like a lazy susan) and said:
"I really feel bad for not getting you anything, but just spin your spice rack and think of me."
And how ironic is it that I will be spending time with her in the hospital this afternoon when 40 years ago to the day (and at 3:30pm - to the hour) , she was in a hospital bringing me into the world.
I told her we would celebrate by wearing bed pans as party hats and blow up latex gloves for balloons. At this point, we don't care if they all think we're nuts - they drove us there in a limousine!
***
despite me being terrified about turning the big number, I tried to calm myself and silence those nagging pessimistic mantras with memories of happier times - back in cegep with good friends, and being a dj at the campus radio station. What a blast from the past it was when a special song came on my ipod: "in the name of love" by U2.
A few days after the single came out in 1984, I had my show at the station and decided to play it for the first time. People went wild and came in by the dozens to ask what they were hearing.
I was born April 4th - the exact same day martin luther king got shot.
Early morning, April 4
Shot rings out in the Memphis sky
Free at last, they took your life
They could not take your pride
It seems like yesterday, but that afternoon remains etched in my memory - and what a sweet memory it is.
That spring afternoon, the sun was shining, life was full of possibilities, I was young but embraced turning one year older. Some recollections of really happy times in my life.
This afternoon, after the visit with my mom, it was also a sunny day. The snow was melting, and on the horizon - new beginnings.
Now I'm a year older looking forward to making this the happiest time of my life.
happy birthday to me :-)
passion rekindled...
how fitting that I was talking with a friend of mine tonight about rekindling my passion about photography and cinematography...
Aries Horoscope for week of April 3, 2008
Aries Horoscope for week of April 3, 2008
In the film Fight Club, the character played by Brad Pitt storms into a convenience store with a gun, then herds the clerk out back and threatens to execute him. While the poor man quivers in terror, Pitt asks him questions about himself, extracting the confession that he had once wanted to be a veterinarian but had dropped out of school. After a few minutes, Pitt frees the clerk without harming him, but says that unless he takes steps to return to veterinary school in the next six weeks, he will hunt him down and kill him. In my opinion, that's an overly extreme way to motivate someone to do what's good for him. I wish I could come up with a less shocking approach to coax you into resuming the quest for your deferred dreams, Aries. Can you think of anything?
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