wtf?

when it rains it pours.

Once again - the cancer word enters my life

barrett's esophagus  = "we have to keep an eye on this because it could become cancerous"

You have a hernia.

Seriously.

Kidney stones - "we can't do anything until then - but you need to be aware because the chances are high you might have an attack..."

"and well, there is nothing we can do for your pain."

Thank you very fucken much.

Waited almost two hours to hear this.



my body realignment session was very troubling.
Lots of things going on in my uterus (no, not a baby, but apparently, some deep seated emotional traumas that i had in my childhood) and heart and head.

Too many emotions, too many symptoms, too many things.

Oh back, don't break on me now, because this is just the beginning to the summer of pain, stress, and overall hell...

Happy Anniversary 2 us, and other wonderful things

unday was our one year anniversary! How time has flown by. Speaking of time flying by, I was a part of a wonderful event - my old high school was open to Alumni from 1977 to 1987. Over 500 people attended. I saw lots of old friends, and even older friends - from grade school! Oh what a blast it was. Danced the night away (my toes are actually numb. I think I pinched a nerve cause my heels were too high to dance in...), and the next day, had a getaway with the hubby down south. Not a big outing, but we got to go to our fave romantic French Bistro and see the sights. We capped it all off by coming home to flowers and a beautiful card from a family friend and mom. And to keep with tradition, ate our giant wedding cupcake which I had taken out of the freezer for that special occasion. 

One year, and so much has happened...

And then I get this email which floored me.

Talk about a weekend filled with wonderful moments - each one a precious gift.

Hello

I have a new book out titled: Achieve Anything In Just One Year: 

Be Inspired Daily to Live Your Dreams and Accomplish Your Goals.

This is a self improvement, motivational and personal development book 

that is designed to be read on a daily basis. One page a day for one year. 

Each page starts with an inspirational quote, followed by a discussion of that 

day's topic, and ends with a task or an assignment for the reader to follow.

I am looking for Amazon Reviewers such as yourself to review the book.

If you are interested please reply with your mailing address and I will 

send you a copy of the book.

Thank-You and Have A Great Day!

Jason Harvey

Author, Entrepreneur, Life Coach

Achieve Anything In Just One Year:

Be Inspired Daily to Live Your Dreams and Accomplish Your Goals

http://AchieveAnythingBook.com

Hello Jason,

I can't believe what amazing timing receiving this email is! I am so deep in a rut with my life, it's not even funny. I have spent days and nights hiding in my apartment, wishing that I could just disappear, and have been looking for a way out for some time now. Being bi-polar, and over the past two years, dealing with both parents battling cancer, along with my own outrageously complicated health issues has completely drained and hopeless. YES! I WOULD LOVE TO READ YOUR BOOK!! 

I have already written a few reviews on amazon.com and I know that people have been reading, so it would be my pleasure to write something for you, and as far as what I'm reading as in terms of the reviews of your book on your site - it looks quite amazing!

I truly believe in coincidences, but this one is a gift. I had spent the whole afternoon at Barnes and Nobel (was in the states for the weekend) in the "self help section" scouring titles, hoping for something to "jump out at me" - to give me a lifeline to a life that once held so much promise and hope. (and another coincidence, I had sent away for tourist information about NS and NFLD as I have been wanting to visit that part of the country, enchanted by the beauty of the east coast - and see from your contact info - are from Nova Scotia!)

Thank you for contacting me and I  will be eagerly awaiting your book!

wow.


Here is to new beginnings.
Another year - a celebration of all things remembered and hope for the future - a future filled with hope and happiness.

my 2 cents...

Whenever I can put my 2 cents in to help somebody out, it brings me great pleasure when I now that I've made a difference for them in their lives.


When I was looking online about bounce flash accessories, I know I had to share my story.


I had been struggling with bounce flash issues for some time before I decided to bite the bullet and deviate from the standard "bounce flash accessories", and the fact that this one looked like a space ship did not help the issue, but I'm so very glad I did.

Panda eyes (or raccoon eyes) are a problem when shooting and bouncing a flash. Light bounces on a ceiling for example, and then falls straight down onto the face. The falloff most often seems to be hindered by the brow bone, which in turn, acts as a shade, which then creates a shadow in the eye socket area. Voila - you have instant panda eyes.

I have learned from experience that nobody likes to look like the living dead and no amount of post processing will save a photo that does not have enough detail/information to pull out of it. Sure, you can cheat and add some "catchlights" into the subjects eyes, but that only acts as a band-aid. It won't take away the fact that your "bounced subject victims" will still look like they have been up for 72 hours straight. Quite literally, not a pretty picture.

And then along came Lumiquest Pro Max 80/20 bounce flash device. I decided to go whole hog and get the Lumiquest Promax System (complete with bounce cards, silver, white, gold, diffusion screens etc.) but what worried me was a) the bulk of having all these extra gadgets on my flash (as if a huge flash was not cumbersome and obtrusive enough) and b) the fact that it looked like something out of a science fiction movie. But after seeing the results, I was sold. Hands down, this was one of the best investments I had ever made for my flash photography assignments.

The 80/20 does just that - 80% goes up and gets bounced onto whatever "ceiling" and the 20% then gets deflected onto the face of the subject. And sometimes, 20% is all you need! The result - an overall pleasant glow around the subject, as well as a nice uniform illumination on the face. NO MORE PANDA EYES!!! The colored inserts (along with the white card), give a wonderful extra punch, without the knockout of a bare unit. The diffusion that covers the grid is similar to what a diffusion box would give you. Perfect soft diffused light, just enough to illuminate the face.

I was also very thankful and excited when my futuristic bounce accessory saved the day during a wedding in a church where the ceilings were 200 + feet high. Unless you have a gigantic power pack strobe, there is no way, a regular "bounced flash" will save you. I pulled out my 80/20, attached the gold insert (it actually covers the grid on the inside), and presto!! A soft warm glow that was perfect for the wedding photos, and yet, unobtrusive enough to not get people rubbing their eyes from the "atomic bomb flash" of the larger Metz flashes...

So yes, this Lumiquest diffuser looks a bit strange to some, and impressive to others (to my surprise, not many photographers use this), the results speak for themselves. Don't expect this system to light up an entire room, or be able to light up a group of more than 10 people @ more than 10 feet away, but in situations where all you get is one chance to get the "perfect shot", this accessory is simply perfect!

it's like Sex and The City, but for guys...

I was bored, and needed to flex my writing muscles, and after seeing: "the Hangover", i thought i would try my hand at critiquing. I think i did a not bad job if I do say so myself...

it's like Sex and The City, but for guys...

The first thing that hit me the moment I saw four guys preparing for a wedding (which immediately sent off the "eye-rolling/groaning-plot-line-alarm-bells) was - "somebody/or group is going to be involved in some sort of messed up romantic adventure where one person is the "lady/man in waiting", while everybody else becomes the satellite planets out of orbit", and well, i was right. And so begins The Hangover...  


Sure, it's a funny film - slapstick and outrageous, but nothing that you would not have expected if you had seen similar "any dude's version of Thelma and Louise" genre films (Pineapple Express anyone?). Adventure comedies are built in with the implication that the viewer suspend his belief and better judgment that: "this is just way too outrageous to happen in real life", for example, the scene where Alan (Zach Galifianakis) stumbles into the bathroom for a (sloppy sleepy morning) pee after a night of intense party-going and finds a tiger lounging on the bathroom floor. Yea, it's not what you would expect, and elicits some laughs in the way Alan has a delayed reaction to it, and by this point in the film, you have been waiting for something "this over the top", but how this (tiger) is used as a vehicle to introduce a pretty gratuitous character that does nothing to drive the plot along, in my opinion, is just lazy. I mean - this is Mike Tyson's Tiger? But most puzzling, is why Mike Tyson?!! This guy has as much presence as a piece of wet cardboard. The BABY has more personality than this 'has been boxing star' and does a hell of a lot more for this picture than what seemed to me as a "superfluous tribute" and an excuse to have bragging rights on the part of the director/producers to say: "Hey! I got Mike Tyson to act in my film - isn't he AWESOME?" But i digress...  


Mid point in the film - Alan's character is becoming more charmingly neurotic, Stu (Ed Helms, who in my opinion, is a complete gem in this film, and does a lot to save it from comedic mediocrity) not only loses his tooth, but begins to lose his mind, and Phil (Bradley Cooper) is the ringleader who is trying to keep it all together, and Doug (Justin Bartha) - the groom to be? Well, he's off somewhere, unconscious, being a trivial psedo-main character who is resurrected at the end of the film, and unbenounced to him, saves the day. Throw in a weak cameo appearance from Mike Tyson who plays himself, Jade (Heather Graham), a stripper with a heart of gold, who did a wonderful job at pulling it off, and a few other supporting characters: the lady in waiting - Tracy (Sasha Barrese), the father - Jeffrey Tambor (who is such a brilliant actor, and should have had more than just a few lines in this film, and perhaps, in doing so, might have been able to add more comic oomph with his deadpan humor), Rob Riggle and Rachel Harris), all seem to stumble around in a metaphoric drunken like haze, much as the main characters do throughout the film.  


And my main point to this review - is that for me, this film basically comes off as "Sex and the City" for men. It's a feel good buddy film about 4 misfits involuntarily getting into strange compromising situations that inevitably bring them all together as a close knit group of old friends. it worked for Michael Patrick King, why could it not work for "the Hangover"? Alan is a provocative Samathan Jones (modify Samantha's sexuality and transform it into a fearless savant who is the first to take a leap into the outlandish and unknown), Stu is Charlotte, a dizzy, clueless heart-of-gold lost soul who finds inner strength in the end to be true to her/himself, and Phil is Carrie Bradshaw - quirky, yet introspective and logical in an abstract enough sense to see the fuzzy silver lining in what seems to be a drug/alcohol soaked cloud. What about Miranda/Doug? This deadpan, overly analytical low key prototype character punctuates the film, but does not have enough of a "out of the ordinary" personality type to really make them entirely endearing (or give them enough room to be completely over the top, at least not in this film) but manage to be the metaphorical anchor to the dynamic of the foursome.  


So in summation, is this film worth seeing just because it is entertaining? Sure - if you don't expect too much of the plot or characters. It does have it's shining moments (Alan's mental calculations at the casino), almost everything that Stu does and says, but the end of the film left me feeling jilted and after the 100 minutes I had invested in this tour de force, was hoping for a neater ending, and was not impressed by how it seemed to be embellished by some loosely stitched together punny/sight gag threads. Save your $ and get something really funny like "Superbad", which in my opinion, is like the gift that keeps on giving, one humorous layer at a time.

slowly

slowly but surely I'm hobbling along.
Seeing an internist (hopefully soon).
Going to a "pain clinic" for therapy.



have lost some friends during this time. Seems like some people do not do well with illness - other people's that is.

fuck em.

didn't need them then, don't need them now.

a solar system of nightmares and hope

i have little energy to spare these days, but i feel a detailed account of my experiences is necessary for the healing process. I can talk faster than i can type, but i can type faster than i can write, so typing it is, for now...

shock:
upon hearing that the money for your last MRI scan was money that was going to pay the rent...


shock:
having to go to the ER AGAIN just days after the surgery.
I would rather have died than go back again, but either way, one would have led to the other eventually if i did nothing...

shock:
despite my desperate yelps of pain, and being high on the triage list (the top was 1 - car accidents and heart attacks, I was 2) I still had to wait three hours to be seen by somebody.

shock:
watching your wife/daughter go into shock full body shock and a nano second away from passing out from the excruciating pain that came after what was supposed to be a routine examination.

shock:
waiting two hours for my morphine drip, despite me almost passing out again from the pain, pleading for help and having the doctor run around playing cat and mouse to find the nurse.


shock:
hearing the doctors say: "we can't find anything that might be causing you this excruciating pain, and we are sorry for your suffering. It really must be horrible..."


I was not let go without a psych evaluation from the emergency Psych team on call.

The last doctor (#20 to date), was worried for my personal safety as she saw the level of distress and pain in my eyes.

I too am worried for my safety.

but what keeps me going are the only two people who mean the world to me, who would do anything and everything for me, and are my only world right now.

Mother Sun and Husband Moon.

Their orbit is what keeps me from spiraling out of control into the blackness and emptiness of space and insanity.

24 hours

155 hours after the operation, HPK was in the emergency ward, and after an intense 24 hours, today HPK is back home from the emergency ward and will be back in a few days to post.

(E)

just a little something for me...

what will we find?

the snow is staying on the ground.
It's disgusting.
All those beautiful little plants that I carried from mom's garden to our little hell pit are going to die.

It's so cold. Damp.
Body and bones ache.
but I can't take anything.

by this time 2mrw, hopefully the mystery will be solved.

Saw the g-doctor yesterday, and after scoping my stomach with a tube camera he said,"you have a few ulcers and some esophagitis (?) which could turn cancerous with time and if it's not monitored", so they took some samples.



"but ms hpk - the colonoscopy was normal. We hope the surgery will get to the bottom of these issues."

me too.
Fucken me too.

up @ 5:30am.

Despite the whole ativan that would knock out a whale, I'm wired and wide awake, thinking way too much...

you learn something new every day...

in pain for most of the time now.
Some docs say that because it was caught too late, i might have this chronic pain for the rest of my life. I can't sit for long periods of time. Walking is a chore. Must lie down a lot. When I found this, it made me smile.

I never knew she took photos in color.

it's all good bro...

I am so happy that i dragged my sleepless restless body outside today to meet an old friend.  He was Big in our Sex and La Cite. He was perfect for the role, but then again, everybody was bang on. We all still talk about those wonderful times. Everybody says: "that was once in a lifetime chemistry that we had", and because of my writing, i was the seed that made it happen.

BUT anyway...

so I met with E and went to his bachelor pad. Not bad for a bachelor pad I must say. and the guy is pretty tidy for a dude. So we caught up, talked a lot of shop talk, which was nice. it had been a while since i spoke cinema speak with anybody other than myself. He's working grip on a youtube sensation that will now be featured on the food channel - Bitchin Kitchen. Funny, our greek boy in the play actually plays the greek boy/fish monger/meat specialist. Oh i had a laugh when he told me about that.


And then we spoke of future projects. He really does value my opinion and we have always worked so well together - the last one was Travesty where I DPd. Apparently, lots of people though it was really well shot. Thank you very much :-)

but until today, i had yet to see the complete version.

Two years later - hello?

but he was busy with other more important things, so i wasn't going to hold it against him. I know he is true to his word. But the new stuff, very cool. Period piece with lots of CGI. Could be lots of fun...

And then we watched the famous Travesty. A fun little short film, until I saw the last 5 minutes, and some spots out of focus... FOCUS!?!

I didn't come down hard on him, but i said: "bro, you're kidding me. I know I shot more footage than that?!!"

"but bro - I was telling you: "Just do a master shot" and thank god you were shooting some extra stuff cause without that, we would have been doomed. And I was just telling people it was a stylistic thing - you know, like Arrested Development."

"oh my dear E. We are nowhere near being rich or famous enough to have the creative license to be able to pull out of focus shots for the sake of "style". This just looks like crap! Sorry, I know you have picture lock and are waiting on sound, but dude! It's out of focus!!"

Well, he conceded that it was not a good thing, and for my demo reel, it would not look good with out of focus shots, when I'm the one who has to be watching that everything looks good!

Well, for 3 minutes of film time, we worked 3 hours!!
how insane is that?! But oh I loved every minute of it! I just love editing!

"you are a storyteller, and editing is a way of putting the visual pieces of the narrative puzzle together to tell one single story. No wonder you love it so much - and you do it well...

So we decided to meet again - he will bring all his HDs and I have Final cut pro on my mac, and then to work on the final things - color correction, sound, but I think it will be a fun film. And I need to pad my cinema resume. I'm proud of my film one (it's almost 5 pages!!) but i need stuff that will pay the bills too.

speaking of photography, he still has that photo I gave him for his birthday once - the sculpture in new york. He says that it's one of his favorites.

That was a small joy today...

Since we met - from day one of the play, I always got along with the guys. They took me as one of their own. Literally. I was the "dude" and E's "bro(ther)". I love that - guys can feel comfortable with me.  Like the time E and P and I drove down to NYC for a few days, and than met Z. it was the Boyz night out, and I was the only one in heels (for that moment at least).

Oh good times.

I need to reconnect. I'm feeling so disjointed lately, and sleep? What sleep. 3 hours a night max. Pulled two all nighters in the past 5 days. I almost collapsed the other night, but boy, i slept like a rock. I had forgotten how nice a sold nights sleep could be.

3am and kinda jittery and kinda tired.

Happy as a pig in shit that i finished my intro trailer to my site. it looks cool (although, youtube is stingy on bandwidth - cause the images look all pixilated) but for somebody who has only known that program for a month, it's not bad at all.

So I've been telling peeps that after my surgical procedure from hell (back to back stuff. Euch.) I will need visitors as I will be out for at least a week, if not more, depending on what they find, if they find anything at all, so I will be taking people into my home, and into my life again. A new page, a new chapter, a new beginning.

back to the things that made me feel whole - film, photograph and writing.

"It's all good bro."

Yes, my friend, today really is...




Untitled from Kathy Slamen on Vimeo.

up too late...

gad.
I was up too late.
Am still up and the sun is shining. Day two of no sleep.
but at least i was productive, or trying to be.


Tried my hand at final cut pro.
I know, i'm behind the times - kids that are 12 years old are making videos better than this, but given my circumstances, it's not bad at all.


A cup of java and then to bed, by the window with the sunlight streaming in...

you truly are a gift...

Boob doc 2mrw. Time to check up on my well marbled porterhouse steak breast tissue.

Got the confirmation for my g-scope next monday (first one in - THANK GOD), just waiting on the surgery confirm.

Pain. Serious.
Had somebody in from out of town last night. Was quiet as a mouse. I had to breathe through the stabbing jolts. Spent more time breathing than talking.
I have a place where they are to visit. I just wish I could be well enough for the long flight down. Right now - 10 minutes is all I can take sitting down before i have to lie down again. A 10 hour flight would kill me...

Did lots of news for my website updates.
Wow.
Lots of shit going on!!
My CV looks pretty damn impressive. Almost 5 pages long. And that is just the photography stuff. There is also the writing and cinema CV's. It's a shame that I'm not making any money off this stuff. And it's definitely not for a lack of trying.

My luck as always...

And apparently, my cards were selected to be part of the ABAD show in Croatia! Could the Eastern European block countries be my next market? First Ukraine, now Croatia!? Very cool indeed.

Next show - Morrocco.
Was offered a place to say there for four nights c/o the organizers. What a dream that would be, but alas, $$, $$ $$. Rubbing two pennies together is tough, i can't even fathom 2000$...

but i can always dream right?

Had a phone call from Charlotte the other day.

It was so nice to talk to her. We reminisced about our Sex and La Cite days and said that we should do something again.

Writing with her came so naturally and talk about comedic chemistry!

It was so nice to be able to do something that made people laugh.

I need to laugh on days like these.

Sadness has begun to take its toll.

but Charlotte said something that made me smile, and made me feel so appreciated in a world and time where and when I don't feel so much so:

"Some people I know bitch about everything, and some people who are going through only half of what you are going through drone on endlessly about their miseries. You don't - you laugh. That in my book is quite amazing. You know hpk, you truly are a joy and a gift to all those people who have you in their lives. You always laugh, and that is just wonderful."

I was almost in tears. 

What a wonderful thing to say!

Amazing how a few little words could go so far in healing this wounded spirit and body...

I need to hear things like that these days.

Thank you Charlotte!!

all the way in croatia!

Originally uploaded by ivanarezek

Well, my image has made its way to Croatia.
A little message about my struggle with bipolar disorder. How death played such a major role in my life back then, even as much as living, back when the two options were oddly interchangeable.

I hope those who see this image are moved, and made more aware about mental illness, and the devastating effects it has on everybody's life.

This is for you Bob, for you Phillipe. Two beautiful people who died too young - who took their lives because of their overwhelming struggle with depression.

That is what photography is about.
Changing a life, one shutter click at a time.

and that's 200$ please

"the visit is covered by medicare, but that's another 200$ for your next ultrasound of the breast tissue..."

200$ for the follow up ultrasound from last year's 2nd biggest scare (first, the precancerous cells on the cervix, lump in breast tissue, a close 2nd, but not by much)

waited 3 hours for my GP today. Was in tears when I saw her.

The pain, unbearable.

Spoke with the nurse there, told her my symptoms. She was from Syria and trained to be a doctor (women's health) but decided to become a nurse instead.

We both theorized what this could be. We both ran down the symptoms. We were both perplexed.

"and all the ultrasounds and MRI and CT scans found nothing?"

I was used to saying this.

"no no no - nothing at all"

"But you are in so much pain. Your blood pressure is up. It's obvious you are suffering a great deal."

"heavy narcotics help, but only so much..."

"I hope they find out what this is."

me too...

Breast doc next week.

G-scope in two mondays, and then surgery two days after that.

Must remember to take the paper that says I'm "a bleeder". Don't want a repeat of the last surgery where i needed 4 pints of blood to stabilize me.

I should bank my blood. Get some cash to pay my medical bills.

Wait a minute, I can't sell it. I have Von Wilderbrand's disease.

It would be so very fucken nice to be healthy, and to have money to pay for all this care...

retraction...

Sent on April 12, 2010:

(in reference to the jpg a copy of the invite I sent to him...)

Hi HPK - Awesome. :-) I feel silly for getting uptight... it's happened to me before so I jumped the gun. Anyway, your invites look great - really - and I'm glad you were able to get something cool. The way it was worded and the frame of mind I was in, I thought you flexed your digital muscles to recreate my sample! Next time I should just ask :-)

Best to you, and have a great wedding.

M

Yeaaaaa.

M, thank you for offering to design my wedding invites, but I have already taken to flexing my photoshop and illustrator muscles and create my own "retro wedding invitation."

Hpk

To be honest, I've been a bit taken aback by your note. On one level, I am glad you have a solution for your invites. On a more disturbing level, I hope your invites look *nothing* like the sample I have online. My work is protected under copyright law -- it's original work -- and the time I spent creating it and posting it here was not for the purpose of hoping people copy it on their own because they don't want to pay me to reproduce my original art. I do pursue copyright infringement.

Please advise,

Thanks,

M

Hi M,

Do not worry, your invites DO NOT look like anything you have done! I merely used your "retro/vintage" feel/mood for my own. I used a simple modified circle, and just put our names and dates below. Very simple, almost minimalist with absolutely no design whatsoever...

hpk

GEEEZE!!!

Take a chill pill douchebag...

exhaustion...

geeze.
Can't spell anymore...


well, spoke with the doc's secretary. Surgery scheduled sometime during the last week of the month. G-scope same week. I'm aiming for that golden bedpan - frequent flyer miles except this one is for hospital visits.

The last scope revealed nothing. The gastro doc had mentioned that I should see a urologist to cover all my bases. What's next? Heart? Lung? Brain?

Ouf. Just should have a scan done of the whole body. That's it, that's all.

Seeing the breast doc in two weeks to address the lump issue.
Psych doc will just have to wait. Unless i have a meltdown before then. Fingers crossed that it does not happen...


What is keeping my spirit up is the hope that I will be well enough to visit my family in B.C. And if things go well, E will be heading down to California for work, so that means I could hitch a ride with him. It won't be in L.A, but close enough to the shore for me to enjoy it. Just hope to GOD that it does not slide into the water while i'm there. With my luck, it might...

And also have been looking at images from the tourist videos of New Brunswick. Every time i watch this, it brings tears to my eyes. The sheer beauty is something that I want to experience in person before I die.

E is on board with me on this, but thinks that we will have to do it next year (hoping he will get some sort of raise, because after 6 years of nothing, we are getting pretty desperate. No money in the bank at all. Zero. Living from paycheck to paycheck) also because to hike to the best spots, is a 4-5 hour uphill journey. He has trouble going up stairs now. I don't want to kill him!

but i look at this and hope for the best, cause that is all I can do. That is all we can ever do...

the pain is incredible

I can hardly walk

have left desperate messages with all my docs but nobody has called me back

I'm ready to take a knife to myself to figure out what is going on

why is this happening? Why can nobody find out what the fuck is going on?!

why can't i find a doctor who cares enough to really get their hands dirty and get down to the root cause of this thing...

i am so fed up

the pain, oh god, the pain...

will try again 2mrw, but i have fears about being left at the emergency ward for 6 hours, in pain, no help in sight.

Something is slowing down in my body.

Things have become foggy. 

Have lost the ability to spell properly. 

Can't find my words, failing memory but it's happening quickly.

Something serious is going on. 

I just hope somebody figures it out before things 

get so serious that they can't fix it...

Καλό Πάσχα and Happy Easter, and Happy clean insides, and happy birthday!

Good things do come in threes, or fours in this case...

Greek Orthodox Easter and Catholic Easter fall on the same day - which does not happen often, and apparently, i have nice insides, the temperatures to climb into the high 20's, and oh yea, my birthday all on the same day!


So today and over the weekend, I will put aside the fact that I have put on a bunch of fat since i have not been able to exercise because of the pain, I will try not to focus on the pain which continues to plague me, and I will try not to focus on the fact that this thing will perhaps remain a medical mystery and I will have to live with this debilitating and crippling pain the rest of my life.

Because today it is beautiful outside, the sun is shining, and Sunday will be my birthday.

So for this reason, I will celebrate and try to forget the bad and remember the small joys in life.