A letter to a friend - he screening of her short film was a huge success last night, but she shared with me her feelings of "not having something that was i thought "good enough" - and that she is ever so aware of how being 'hard on herself' can be a 'not such a good thing..."
my response...
Oh, I all too well know the feeling/state of mind of being "hard on oneself". I feel that it might be the key as to why I'm so "stuck" lately.
Sure, setting impossibly high standards for myself has allowed me to push through some times of being "sluggish and sitting on my ass/lazy" periods in my life, when being my own drill sergeant was a necessary evil to get things done, but for the most part, when I'm feeling vulnerable and very self conscious about who i am, where I'm going and who i am becoming/what i'm doing, mental self flagellation in the name of "progress" can lead to emotional/psychological welts that are long lasting. The scars being a more detrimental result than the idea behind the punishment...
the saying is true - we are our own worst enemy, and I could totally identify with your pre-screening jitters last night - wanting to make sure everything was perfect, wondering if there was not something "more that could have not been done" to the final product.... it's so hard to let go of knowing that when "a film is 'in the can'", little can be changed at that point, and the moment of letting go can be a bittersweet experience.
When i screened my student film for the first time to 500 people, i was so freaked out that i was sure projectile vomit was inevitable, i took a breath, congratulated myself on months of hard work, and allowed myself and the film to finally 'breathe'.
Take the time to bask in the afterglow of the exhale - yesterday was a huge success, and as a filmmaker myself, i could see that every ounce of hours of sweat, anger, frustration and horror, happiness, excitement and love for your project that you experienced was worth it. At least it was for me :-) Thank you for sharing your cinematic/animation baby !!
