Solaris

Solaris
Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty.

The night before New Year's Eve. Last night of 2005. What a hell of a year folks.


So as I sit here, watching the clock near 3am, I reflect a little, wax poetic a tad and realize that I have almost come full circle.

A year ago this week I was asked to write the play - sex and la cité. It was this month that I shook on a deal to make me director of a friend's feature film that I will be shooting in NYC. Sex and la cité - about the girls from NYC coming to Montreal, Sex and the City - 4 30something girls living in NYC - do you see the similarities? A year from now, will I be waxing poetic as I find myself writing for HBO, rubbing elbows with Sarah Jessica Parket and Darren Star (creaters/producers of S.A.T.C)? Who knows. I never thought I would be here writing this that's for sure!

I spoke with two of my best friends today - one, a wise sage, my bro. It was so enlightening, and so apropriate that we met today. I got to sort out some things that were on my mind, we watched gleefully as a tea bud opened before our eyes to create the most lovley tea that I have ever tasted, we laughed, and reflected. It was a spiritual inventory/cleansing and it felt good.

Tonight, I called a best friend, my galpal, and despite her own shit on a plate, she let me rant, weep, and ramble on about all my woes under the sun. She gave me a kick in the ass alright, but it was not with a combat boot, but with a slipper, and God love her for that. With her too, I realized alot of things, realized that sometimes letting go is the best thing to do - old worries, self-defeating ways, old ties that bind, dreams that no longer fit the new me anymore.

It was all a cleansing. All taking inventory and tossing out what didn't belong.

How ironic that today was recycling day on my street...

I got the word tonight that I will be working at the club for New Year's Eve. I had been waiting on that forever. They called at 11:30pm. The boss told me: You better be around at midnight so we can have some champaigne!!

You bet my dear, you bet!

Out with the old, in with the new.

Here's hoping that 2006 will be a better year, and that all the seeds I have sown will finally begin to take root and grow.

All the best to you out there, whoever you are.
xo

Almost a year ago to the day...

It's almost a year ago to the day that I started this blog. Recently, I have been running around between Montreal and New York city, trying to take care of my mother, trying to get my life back in order, trying to find my footing - and then woosh! Days turn into months and here I am, 12 months later, a full 180 degrees. Endings to old things, moving transitions and begining of new things. I wonder what 2006 will have in store for me...

This is what I wrote a year ago...

Last one for 2004.
I am back - but only for a short short blog.
Things have been up and down - been sick, lost my voice, found it again, and then lost it partially as of today. Looked under the bed, in the closet but it's nowhere to be found.

I am asking the universe for inspiration and strength for the new year.
I feel that I am on the cusp of something great. All I need is the energy and the focus to get through it all.

I am thankful for all the sunny days so far - they manage to get me through these winter months.

I took this photo last night at one of my gal pal's place. She is ripping up her bathroom of the downstairs apartment - it looks like hell - quite literally. We thought that something industrial would look cool. The idea behind this was ' a nice girl ends up in a bad place'. One night, you drink too much, black out for a little while, and then wake up to find yourself someplace where you know you should not be. I really think it works. The conditions were horrible (literally shit mixed with damp earth on the floor) - it was cold, damp and dark. I really had fun with her - we work really well together. She believes in my work and thinks this stuff is exhibition quality. I value her opinion highly - she is not one to give out compliments easily. These are dark dark photos. Funny - the eye sees before the mind does. On that note (oh - how depressing!!!) I wish all my readers a happy happy new year and may all your dreams come true in 2005!!!

Exhibition at Medianoche

Exhibition at Medianoche
Originally uploaded by eqqman.

Me and my boyfriends in NYC.

This is me little less than a week ago when I was in NYC for the closing expo of the Medianoche art gallery in Spanish Harlem. It was so wonderful to be back, see people I had met only two months ago and to meet new ones as well.

Flickr has changed my life is so many wonderful ways!!

Kitty and Newell

Kat and Robert
Originally uploaded by NYCArthur.

This was a shot of me and my friend Newell at the flickr closing party in NYC (yep - went there again!!) I had such a blast and can't wait to go back!

I shook on a deal to direct and shoot my friend's film this summer. Lots of stuff happening.

I thought about it - I could have had any opportunity anywhere else, but it happens to be New York City. I can't tell you how long I have dreamed of something like this to happen!!

Fingers crossed for the new year!!

Happy holidays to you all!!
xoox

So boldly...

So boldly...
Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty.

This was taken the last night I stayed in NYC. I went through a whole gammut of emotions in the span of a few sleepless hours. If you have ever seen Apocalypse Now - you will remember the scene where Martin Sheen has that meltdown in the hotel - well, mine didn't end up as bad. It was actually a doorway to positive discoveries, and I am changed woman because of it...

Exactly where I am at now...

I just received an email from a dear dear friend of mine - hundreds and hundreds of miles away, but we are so close together in the same boat, when he inhales from his cigarette, I exhale out the smoke...

HPK I'm exhausted. There's a golden road in front of me, and all I can do is struggle to escape the grasp of my family's insanity, and the bogey-men that were planted in my head by them. When your earliest lessons in life are to hate yourself, and to distrust everyone else, finding your potential gets to feeling lost a lost battle.


My dear Rev. K - I hear you, so very well, but we have to try because we really have nothing left to lose.

The phonecall we never want to get...

The phone call we never want to get...

"now this is the time that CBT and all it's wonderful principles will be put to the test"

My mom's words after she called me to say that her doctor said she had melanoma. The apparent cyst on her shoulder was cancerous - a stage 4 - deep into the skin. They are not sure if it's spread to her lymph nodes or anywhere else for that matter.

"we just have to take one day at a time and think positive."

I wonder how much of that is positive thinking and which part is her just trying to block things out. I wonder if she really believes what she is saying or if she is just saying it to calm herself and everybody else. I wonder if and wish that CBT really does work for her - all that she has learned, read about, practiced. I know that it will test my strength and faith in this therapy.

I'm a little bit numb right now.

My best friend said: it's the lack of information that makes us start spinning - our mind begins to try to fill in the gaps, and does so with all the wrong things - paranoia, fear, hopelessness - these horrible negative things.

I think we add negative thoughts because as a child, we were taught - always expect the worst.

Northern European guilt complex - and I think it must be genetic...

Les Etoiles

Les Etoiles
Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty.

Ahh, NYC. The place I want to be...

I have fallen in love with that city!!!
I was just fooling around in photoshop and came up with this. I thought it was fun - so I share it with you - my readers. Enjoy ;-)

If you don't like it, don't read it!

And to the anonymous poster who said:

Maybe you could take your ass to the show and see for yourself what might be the clue of a depilatory mode. Or maybe using a good TV show title as a personal blog is the sign of a lack of substance and culture!!!


Well, everybody is welcome to their opinion, but if you don't like this blog and find it so objectionable, why read it? Why bother??

And then it became obvious...

So much has happened since my last post that I don't know where to begin!!
And it's almost 3fucken am and I have a doctors appointement 2mrw at 9, so that means up and outa here at 8ish.

I wont even begin to caluclate how many hours of sleep that's not!

So in a nutshell...

Had a big spirtiual discussion with my bro (QUEREBES...lol )- he played BIG in the Sex and La Cite play) on Sunday. We talked about so much and I think our conversation was enlighting for both of us in so many ways. I know he is an old soul and that we have walked this path together before. We both decided that taking the leap into the next step towards what we want (both film junkies and addicts who want to be behind and in front of the camera) and not look back, have no regrets and push through all the roadblocks, landmines and shitty party poopers that will try to hinder our progress.

My other bro - he was the one that played Steve in the play, and I had a big talk last Friday about the same things. Follow those omens that keep on popping up !! they are telling you something, you just have to listen to them!

And he was so right.

Looking back on this past week, there were quite literally times when I asked a quesiton out loud (when nobody else was around) and that same day (sometimes within minutes), I would get an answer. I mean strange thing that would happen - a song that is NEVER played on the raido, a misplaced article symbolic of the quesiton would magically appear - all the time!!


The one that still freaks me out to no end was when I found a card on the steps of Port Authority Buss Terminal on my first day in NYC.

I was just wheeling out my luggage, said bye to my new friend, watched as she hailed a cab and sped off, and as I began to get in line to get my cab, there, on the floor was a playing card face down. I picked it up, turned it over and it was a 2 of hearts. Out of all places, of all thigns to find...??!?!

DId I mention about the song I heard in central park while I was sitting down, contemplating if I would be able to swim with the sharks in the big apple?

Did I mention that this little old man who rode by with a boom box straped to the back of the bike passed right by me as the lyrics of the song went:
if I can make it here, I'll make it anywhere - it's up to you, New York, New York!!!

Did I mention that I almost had a heart attack on the spot? that I almsot choked on my dry and stale NY salty pretzel?!

Now how wild is that?!?

More conincidences to write about but I must get some sleep first, because if I don't, a MAC truck could sideswipe me with a huge sign wiht an invitation to work and live in NYC, signed by president Bush, and I still would'nt notice it...

(shitty blogger spell checker!)

OH YEA!!
I turned down the play...

I felt in my gut it was the right thing to do.
now I wait to see what else will pop up in its place!

Are we up for a sequel to the spoof of an original?

Well, I am confronted with a little bit of a dilemma.

The producer and director of Sex and La Cité have approached me and asked me if I wanted to do part 2.

Now I have my reservations about this.

How strange that I wrote in the beginning of the Carrie sequence "can a sequel ever be as good as the original?"

a) we had a great first run - 14 sold out shows out of 14, in the last festival we were in, we were the top grossing act in the whole thing, but a knock-off is a knock off and we got away with it once, can we get away with it again?

b) recycling - I am all for it, but stage characters are not like plastic and don't do well a second time around, unless you are like Neil Simon or something, taking a spoof and spoofing it to the second degree is not always the best thing to do.

c) my gut is telling me to bail out before all hell breaks lose and I am in above my head with this.

I mean, the ideas are funny - carrie gets married to Big in an insane wedding, Miranda finds out that Stevee is a cross-dresser and likes it, Samatha and Smith become more -Quebecois (down home country type of folk) andCharlottee and her hubby are off doing some thing or other neurotic. The ideas are good, I admit, but at the same time, I FEEL that the only people who will come to see this show are people who know about sex and the city, and came to see our play the first time around.

d) not all the original cast members will be there. We are missing Steve (who was BRILLIANT but is now in NYC training for a real acting career) and one of the Drag Queens/Gino. He was priceless and I now that without him and Steve there, there will be a gap in the energy, which will advessley effect how the cast comes together. Sure, we can pull it off, but the magic will be gone.

I am at the point in my life where I want to take my photography to the next level. I have done another corporate video (for the Montreal tourist Bureau) and am getting alot of jobs lined up for casting photos. I have the chance to carve a niche market for myself, and know that this could be a nice calling card. And as fate would have it, I have met two very influentiall people in the movie biz over the weekend which might just open some previously closed huge steel doors.

e) I am not getting paid, well not right away...

It seems that there is not enough money in the coffers to pay me up front, so if the play makes money, I get a little slice. And I mean little.

It would be different if the play were a flop, I mean an abysmal stinker, but it wasn't!! It was a kick ass success beyond our wildest dreams! And to live up to that? To make something even better? Now that's a tough job. To make a sequel to a spoof of a tv series? Those are really gargantuan shoes to fill with Lilliputiann slippers.

f) my gut is screaming - RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!

Do I want to take the chance of tarnishing my name (which is now attached with "the writer of the smash play that took Montreal by storm.." ) with a sequel that is only lukewarm? As one of my best buddies said : You're only as good as your last film. And he is so right.

One botch up and everything you did previous doesn't exist in the critic's eyes.

Do I want to take that chance?

g) I will be sharing the writing credit with Charlotte.

I don't mind actually, she is great to collaborate with, but we only did so on one level. I wrote the back bone of the whole play. I had a complete vision and therefore was able to sit at my computer for 18 hour days and pound out that story. Yes, her and Samantha helped, but they came in, gave their ideas and then when home, whereas I was left to mix it all in and make sure that it all worked out swimmingly. I am so weary about the plan that would entail one woman write one scene, the other the next, then we'd meet in the middle and try to hash it all out. I have collaborated before, but not this way, and not in the time frame they are looking at.
We want to have the first rough draft before xmas..

And they told me this on Monday this past week!!!

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!??!?!?!?!?

Well, it's not like you are writing the whole thing, I am taking on half of the burden...

EVEN MORE REASON TO PANIC!!
Trying to hammer out one scene is something, two people with two different visions/styles trying to bring it all together? And to top that all off, I am only 1/3rd of the equation. I am almost automatically veto-ed out! Two women who have a stake in the company (both invested their $$) against me - the little old writer...??

And one of them is coasting comfortably on the money she made from the sale of her house, and the other is working full time. And me? Trying to start out my freelance life.

h) I am already pigeon holed as the Greek mother - again!!
And that is a bit part, but that would mean 5 months of rehearsals because I would have to be there for all the blocking , script changes etc. I did it last year because it was a labor of love, but this year??...

I am seriously on the fence about this one.
And I think now is the time I should speak up or forever be in a shithole and up a creek without a paddle -causee once you're in, you're in.

Ahh.
Now what!??

Is It Art?

Is it Art?
I don't know but it never ceases to amaze me how some people who call themselves "Artists" manage to get away with this crap!! And the place where this is being exhibited is no shabby location either!! For people like me, it's out of MY LEAGUE, so how this guy got his shit in, I have no clue and am even more convinced that there is no justice in the world and we are all taking the express train to hell where Tammy Faye Baker and John Tesh are the new Rock and Roll gods...

(and yes -my NEW YORK CITY STORIES ARE COMING SOON!!!!!!!)


HOW’S YOUR PUBES?

Waxing, shaving and plucking one’s pubic hair is the new branding... or so posits Éric Ladouceur. The local artist cynically figures that today’s young people express their identity through pubic grooming in that same way they do by sporting, say, a Nike or Puma logo on the outside of their trousers. With this in mind, Ladouceur drew a handful of clothes company logos that use animal shapes, glued pubic hair to them and termed his installation, Le règne animal. It’s at la Maison de la culture Frontenac (2550 Ontario E.) until Dec. 4.

I mean, c'mon, can somebody please give this guy a penny so he can buy a clue and get a normal hobby?!?!

one way is no way

one way is no way
Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty.

What to do!?
I got asked to do a sequel to my play "Sex and La Cite". I am on the fence about this one. I don't really know how I feel about it.

This is what my horiscope said yesterday - the day I had my meeting with Charlotte and Samantha...
Very creepy indeed...

Wednesday, 9th November 2005
Aries:

It's not that you can't see the wood for the trees. It's more that there are so many trees, that all look so similar. It's hard to be sure whether you are barking up the right tree or being distracted by other events in the forest. There's one thing that really matters now, everything else is a detail. You know this - and you are right. Others, though, have their own trunks, leaves and branches to attend to. And, understandably enough, their energy is being drawn in this direction. Respect their priorities, but honour yours too.

I am the light, I am the bridge - artist statement by Paige Bradley

I am the light, I am the bridge - artist statement by Paige Bradley
Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty.

A beautiful sculpture by Paige Bradley -a beautiful woman who I met in Brooklyn who's work moved me immensley. And the series of events that led up to and after that day are just amazing. All that in another post.

This was just too beautiful not to share!

Bradley’s waterfront luminary is called “Project: EXPANSION”. It is cast in bronze with over 1000 watts of light exploding through cracks in the sculpture.
***
From the moment we are born, the world tends to have a container already built for us to fit inside: A social security number, a gender, a race, a profession, an I.Q. Bradley’s work makes us ponder if we are more defined by the container we are in, than what we are inside. Would we recognize ourselves if we could expand beyond our bodies?

To be authentically ‘un-contained’ would we still be able to exist? Bradley’s figure has expanded beyond human flesh and nothing but brilliance exudes from the cracks. The work makes us think we could be looking directly at the figure’s soul.

The work leaves us with a dichotomy from the utter fragmented human shape. Has this figure fallen apart and needs piecing back together? Or is it just expanding beyond human limitations? When devastation becomes deliverance, then ashes from the past can become the foundations of the future.

Catch up catsup

GOD! I must put down all those crazy stories and coincidences that I had in NYC down before my brain melts!!
But this was just beyond funny, I had to post it. Sometimes those spontaneous memories are the best!!

This was from a post on flickr in a group that I was part of. I think it's called apocalyptic or Hell. Either one is appropriate...

Rot's Jello Biafra Story...(Missy, he was a loud mouthed politically astute punk rocker and lead singer of the Dead Kennedy's ,(Who I first thought were a Vancouver band, they played a show in Vancouver on Nov 22, 1979, which I didn't see as I was unhip in a punk sense then...) who later made politically incendiary spoken word recordings and appearances as well as music collaborations. He was charged with obscenity for including an HR Geiger poster in a Dead Kennedy's album and had to go through a fairly draining and expensive struggle to defend his free speech and creative freedom and keep his ass out of jail. He's a very articulate fellow with anti-aurthoritarian instincts, a long memory and a finely honed bullshit detector. I personally would rather hear him talk than sing....)

Around 88-89 he was making trips up to Vancouver (he's from the Bay Area I believe) to do spoken word shows and work with some of the punk bands here like DOA or NoMeansNo. My roomate at the time had his first spoken word album (the one that had "Why I'm Glad the Space Shuttle Blew Up" on it) and Jello did a talk at a small cinema on East Hastings which I attended. It was right at the time of the buildup to the first Iraq War and he was doing the "No Blood For Oil" spoken word pieces. It was preaching to the converted pretty much though, but it made a few participants wanna join the revolution right away...

Shortly after this I was at the Commodore Ballroom watching an old Vancouver punk band 'the Enigmas' do a rare reunion show and I turned around and there was Jello Biafra standing a few feet away.So I tapped him on the shoulder and said hi and that I admired his activist work and thanks etc. Well he was polite and all but it scared the shit out of him, to be recognized by a total stranger etc, after his 'persecution' for obscenity...

A friend of ours was doing volunteer work for Co-op Radio in those days and she had interviewed him for broadcast. When I told her of bumping into him she concurred and said that when she had met him; he'd always sit back to the wall facing the door. He was a little paranoid after his experiences with the authorities......

but remember it's only paranoia when they're not all out to carve your ass...

And my 'dear Diary' reply to that:

Dear Diary,
scrolled back to Rotcoddam post about the Dead Kennedys and remembers when I saw them in concert back in 1984 at a converted roller skating rink. I also remember my skinhead friend named Dave who was as big as a house but sweeter than a candy apple, and his friend Glenn, who let me touch his "DOA" mowhawk and when asked how he keeps it so stiff, he replied; "well, molasses works okay, eggwhites are the best, mix that with some Gel and it'll stay up for days."

These images also spawn another memory of me- 16 1/2 with my mother in Cape Cod, in some teeny tiny beachside town, walking into a music store and buying a DK Greatest Plastic Surgery Disasters/in God We Trust cd. The the look on some poor woman's face when she saw me chewing through the plastic to get to the goodies and asked: It seems like you really want to look at that cd! Who is it?And my reply, not realizing that we were not too far from the family motherhouse: "Oh! it's the Dead Kennedys! They are so great!"I thought she was going to have a heart attack. It was only after I got into the car and 20 minutes later I gasped with dread and laughed so hard I nearly peed my pants.

Over and out
(the terminal Preppie - HPK)

Day 3 - Me in so many ways...

Day 3 - Me in so many ways...
Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty.

I'm skipping a bit ahead in my photo joural, but this is an important part of the puzzle, the key to this whole story, so I thought I should post this and how that day became an important turning point in my trip.

****

So there I was, in a new city that I had waited years to visit, my maiden voyage to this new land, on a mission of self-discovery, to meet new people and to plant the seeds for what I still hope will be part of my future.

Walking to the base of the Brooklyn Bridge, I saw this sculpture, and that's when it all fell into place...

ErosLefar said it best : "It's only when we are souls and body is broken does the real 'us' shine through."

I almost wept when he said this because there was so much truth to it, so much of that truth was mine.


And there I was, on the other side of a Bridge, a new place, with new ideas and friends, and bold new adventures waiting for me. My old shell of the old me had begun to crack, and inside shone a bright light - a new and strong beacon, an energy that I had long considered to be completly extinguished was radiating again. That's when my trip turned into a personal journey and mission - to find and bring out the HPK that has been hidden for so long.

I stood there, completly mesmerized, trying to comprehend the unbeleivable sequence of events that had lead me there, and just how much I was she - this lone woman, finding inner peace on her own little island, amidst the bright lights of the big city - being reborn.

It was only later on that night when I realized the kind of photos I had captured - the meaning behind the framing, juxtaposition, the angles I chose spoke more about me, where I was and where I wanted to go than I realized.


Dusk, and ending of a day, the light inside, begining of a new one.

The sun is always there, the light and darkness just come in cycles.

the sun is always there...

R&R

Still need some rest.
GAWD ! I am so tired.
See some of my stuff here
(http://www.flickr.com/photos/hellophotokitty

Have so many stories to tell it's not even funny!!
Will start soon though - gotta keep the memories fresh!!

It's Christmas time!!!

This guy kills me - every time!Coming back from NYC - still on a high but exhausted!!!

I just thought this was too funny in the light of my trip - lol!!

Wednesday, 26th October 2005
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 20)

It isn't Christmas yet. If you go to the shops, though, you could be forgiven for thinking that it must be due any day now. All the trimmings are up for sale. Be inspired by this. Christmas doesn't come every day, but it does come eventually and, when it does, it is (usually) worth waiting for. Other times of opportunity also come and go. Right now, you have a rare chance to do something that isn't normally possible. Don't assume that, just because the time hasn't been right in the past, it isn't right now.

Hmm, is the world really my oyster?!!

Me and Victor by the maestro - Delares!

Me and Victor by the maestro - Delares!
Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty.

OMG!
I had the most AMAZING time of my life in NYC!! So many stories to tell, so many strange and beauitful coincidences that made so much sense, and oh! The wonderful friends I had made!! One of the most memorable 10 days of my life so far!!!

OMGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!

NYC here I come!!
This time tomorrow , I will be on a buss, past Albany on my way to the big apple!
I am so pumped!
it's 3:15am and I must go to SLEEP!!!

I will try to write as much as I can, but internet will be expensive down there!!!

oxoxoxoo
:-D

Man's search for meaning in the stretchy fabric of time...

If we crave some cosmic purpose, then let us find ourselves a worthy goal"
-- Dr. Carl Sagan

I once read a book by Victor Frankl called Man's Search for Meaning - the really 'cliff notes for dummies' version of it goes something like this:
a man gets stuck in a concentration camp, he sees family and friends kidnapped and killed for no reason. Death is as constant as the sun's rays. While looking at this as a hopeless situation, he realizes that every man has the capacity in him to be able to adapt to any situation and survive, have a will to live by just thinking and believing these thoughts, through which a whole new existence emerges. Quoting Frankl who quotes Nietzsche - 'He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how.'

I have been looking forward to this journey to NYC for a long time. Many years in fact. I am both nervous and excited. I also know that this trip will be a leap of faith in many ways - and I will be asked to take a leap as well. I can feel it in my bones.

I returned to one of my favorite books by Andrei Tarkovsky - Sculpting in Time. I happened to stumble upon this site through a link from Tarkovsky's links page. For those of you who don't know who he is, he is the greatest modern Russian director of all time. When I first saw his film the Mirror, it changed my life. Cinema was no longer images of people talking and walking through a formulaic plot, Tarkovsky's cinema was art in its purest form. I can go on for pages, gushing about how I love his films, how he has influenced me in my films, photos and writing, but I will just give you a link and discover about him yourselves; you wont be sorry you did.

Tarkovsky was a firm believer that creativity - the true essence of the word, was something that is inherent in all of us, but some are just more receptive to this gift, and some know how to use it, but must learn to use it well.


Now perhaps it might seem that I am being really presumptuous to say this, but ever since I was a kid, I felt something stirring inside of me - a sense of purpose. It was not until I went to college did I realize that I was skilled in telling stories both through the written word and images. I once joked to a friend and said: you know, I think I am here on this earth for a reason. I feel like I have some sort of great purpose that is driving me, but I am not sure how to go about it. I feel full with this sense of wonder and magnificence. Maybe I am destined to be great, but it is a selfless greatness. She smiled and said I know you are, it shows...

I am wondering if she saw, back then, that I would now be heading on the path that I want to take, building the road to be able to travel on where I can spread my vision to others. There is nothing I would want more than to be able to just make movies - not your ordinary Hollywood fare, no Titanics, no Aliens, but movies that move, touch and haunt you long after the credits disappear. That is how I felt after I read Sculpting in Time.

aeons ago, I received another book from my bfriend as a gift. It was being mailed from Italy and was to be delayed indefinitely. But low and behold, it showed up the same day - my birthday. I was so moved by this beautiful sentiment - Luce Istantanea (Spontaneous Illumination) - a book of polaroids and poems by Tarkovsky in Italian (back when I was able to speak it) I ripped open the packaging, opened the first page, and there was a coincidence that completely moved me to tears. The book was an ode to a friend - a fond farewell. Inside - a dedication:

The winged figure of an angel comes to rest, luminous in the surrounding darkness, like a visible presence of heaven on earth: a presence hidden by a veil, a presence that cannot be described except by the gestured showing another invisible presence to our watching gaze. On the set of the film Mirror, Andrei Tarkovsky put himself in a shot lying in a hospital bed, holding a tiny bird in his right hand. And this is what happened to him at the end of his life: in his sickroom in Paris, the room where he died, a little bird would fly every morning through the open window and come to light on him.


That book came in the mail on April 4th - my 30th birthday.

Andrei Tarkovsky was born on April 4, 1932.
I was born April 4,th 1968.

It was during the last year of his life when he managed to finish the book Sculpting in Time.
He died in exile in Paris on December 29, 1986.

It was that a few days before New Year's eve - 1986 that I remember nights of extreme panic, suffocating fear, hopeless desperation and catastrophic impending doom. And during those few days before January 1st,1987 , I went to my first of so many visits to the hospital, so many nights and days lost in a world of catatonic confusion before I was diagnosed as manic-depressive.

Well, you may have read in this blog and come to know me as someone who is a big lover of synchronous moments. In my defense I say this:
We are all made of molecules and atoms which are sensitive to vibrations because energy is in constant motion. There is a gravitational pull on this planet which keeps the earth from whirling out into space.
There is order.
We are alive.
But sometimes, somewhere, there is a star that dies - implode in on itself and disappears; and sometimes there is another star in the process of being born. Perhaps, just maybe, on a subatomic level, we can feel that distant explosion, and that gravitational push or pull might just tug ever so slightly at the fabric of time so synchronous moments can occur. I know it's a quasi romantic Carl Sagan* - esque type of theory, but there are some things in the universe that just can't be explained, that baffle even the most intelligent physicists in the world, some thing just happen - we watch and marvel at the wonder of it all.

Having written my first cryptic word at the age of 2, I would find out only 33 years later that this word - "okhtohie' meant 'purpose' in Japanese. Having veered off in several different directions throughout my life, I believe that my existence here is for a 'purpose' - to write and share my outrageous yet true stories with the masses (along with adding some biting commentary for comic relief, and pretty visuals for cerebral stimulation). I am am imagination specialist and do other Joe jobs to make a living and hopefully have enough money one day to actually do what I really love for the rest of my silly Sienfeldesque life.

Funny thing, time - when I come back from New York city, this blog will be just shy of 5 days of the date one year ago when I started it.



*(cue the funky space music and put Carl in front of a screen of lots of stars, some universe CGI..)
"And there have been a beellionz stars that have come through her path - stars in various states of birth and death, and with each came a discovery - a begining to some, and end to others, and oh how brightly the heavens have shone. Well, time is a stretchy lycra-like fabric onto itself, and once stretched to its limit, it has a built in memory, and returns to its perfect state. And so this next 365 days will be filled with beellionz and beellionz of more stars and planets. Oh what a delightful celestial show we have to look forward to, it's a terrifically exciting thing..."



"The suppression of uncomfortable ideas may be common in religion or in politics, but it is not the path to knowledge, and there's no place for it in the endeavor of science. We do not know beforehand where fundamental insights will arise from about our mysterious and lovely solar system. The history of our study of our solar system shows us clearly that accepted and conventional ideas are often wrong, and that fundamental insights can arise from the most unexpected sources."
-- Carl Sagan.

Today's post is brought to you buy the letter A

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As I lean on the letter A on the keyboard, I make the same sound.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

and then to punctuate the end, I add a big H!

In less than a week and I am going to NYC
For the very first time in my whole entire life!
I am so pumped, freaked out, overjoyed, elated euphoric, dizzy, excited, bemused, shaken, awe-struck, bewildered, distracted, anxious, beside myself, frantic, thrilled, apprehensive...

A whole Molotov cocktail of emotions that blew up last night.
My camera is in the shop (and to my horror perhaps 'wont be back till Christmas...") which would mean that I would have to run through the streets, naked, to the visual and censorial Mecca of America without my magic eyes. I almost weep. (well, in fact, I did weep) To rent one down there would cost me 350$, so at that price, why not just put that towards a new one?

Well, I was not planning to do that so soon - was waiting for some cash and a few more jobs to come in before taking plunge, but throughout my vigilante comparison shopping hunt, I find out that the Canon 20D with a lens, 2Gig card, a battery, and a spectacular 3 year warranty would cost me less than $2000 Canadian!! I was asked to pay $1500 plus tax for a used one!! (and an added $350 in tax my dears). I was so relieved. Now, I must be able to get to B&H before they close Friday the 14th before 2pm because the rest of the month is Sukkoth (high Jewish holiday) and if I didn't get there in time, that would make me angry. Very angry...

Last night into the morning, bleary eyed and weak, I looked for places to stay. It's crazy how expensive some hotels were, and I wasn't up to staying in a Hostel with 6 other people because I want this trip to be a personal journey of sorts - find my spiritual center, take HPK around a city that never sleeps, and then - take the leap of faith into the seeds of a new life, knowing that somehow the net will appear
because it always does...

I know I will come back with stars in my eyes and feel renewed creativeky, which is what I need right now. (did I mention that my photos were going to be part of a Flickr exposition down there??) I will meet people who will become very influential in my life, who will put me in touch with other people. I have a feeling that some people will see the rawness in my art, admire me for bearing my soul, and take me under their wing. If that does not happen of its own record, I will make damm sure that I will put the wheels into motion so that it does happen!

Speaking of knowing...

My cousin from out west was here about a month ago. She seems happy with her new husband in their wedded domestic financially secure bliss. One day a few months ago (I am thinking it must have been in June/July) I got a sudden flash that my cousin was pregnant. It was the strangest thing - just like that bloop! Into my mind like a water filled balloon. I questioned myself as to where that strange insight came, but after years of things like this happening to me, I don't try anymore. I think that I am gifted with a heightened sense of perception, can perhaps tune into other people's energy wavelengths easier than most, but as I said before, it's not the first time it happened.

I let the thoughts pass - another random mind hic-up, and went about my merry way (probably, stressing - as usual...)

Today, my mom calls me - and before I even got a chance to lift the receiver to my ear she said:Did you hear the big news? Your cousin is pregnant!!
It was an AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! Moment. I knew it!! I knew it !!
Perplexed, she asked: oh, she told you already?
She also knows that I have that proclivity for sensing the 'unusual and unseen'.
Turns out that my timing was correct. She said she was two months, but mentioned that she was due in April (LOL! She is going to have her hands full with an Aries child!! LOL). So I am going to be an Auntie. Not that I will see my niece often, but I just throughout it was cool.

now where was I?

Oh yea, knowing and doing...

The last time I took a solo trip was to Cuba in 2003. Now that was a life changer and I am so glad I went solo - spending time by yourself is such a beautiful thing! I have always felt that way - loved living on my own, but traveling was the next big step.

I laughed with a friend of mine the other day
HPK - you are going to LOVE NEW YORK! You will never want to come back!
I think that my head is going to explode the moment I get off the buss.

The visual that accompanied those words was enough to make us snort like two sows in a rainstorm.
I can just see you, with your curly red hair - and then BOOM! All over the place.
I had to admit, it would have been kind of funny, but I think I'll just get off the buss and walk around with my jaw dragging on the floor behind me. I think I will be so stunned, I will be able to carry my luggage inside of my mouth...

So the place looks quaint: The Virginia Guest house.
All I can say is as long as there are no bed bugs, I am a happy camper.

So the thought of sinking $2000 into a camera is making me nervous.
But I will unwind in front of the TV tonight and watch some Law and Order and leave the stress behind for a little while...

Living with Fear

In a few weeks, I will be going to New York for the first time in my life. SOme of my photos are part of an exhibition in Harlem along with my other flickr friends. I am so excited but at the same time, full of fear. Today, I came across this passage - and how appropriate it was shook me to the core, but at the same time, was the pefect preperation for this life changing trip I am about to embark on. It's a bit of a read, but it is worth it.



Living with Fear
Time and again I realize I often live in a reality that has
little correlation to the current circumstances of my life.
It is a lovely spring morning,
And I sit by my window watching buds of pink and blue hyacinths burst into bloom.
The scene so stunning I feel like I'm watching slow motion photography
on The Discovery Channel!

Yet for some reason I feel depressed and ill at ease,
Even though my life is basically working well.
At another time and place, On a crisp winter evening,
With a full moon shining brightly.
Everything fine on the surface,
But underneath,
Subterranean, I find myself quite anxious and unsettled.
Feeling like something terrible is just beginning to happen,
And it's only going to get worse.
This sense of impending doom,
Unrelated to the current circumstances of my life.
It's as if the cells of my body remember
something terrible that my rational mind has long forgotten.

When I am incapable of reaching a place of serenity,
A place of sanity,I feel great pain.
My roller coaster emotional state has imposed a mood in me for so long,
That feeling "wrong" feels "right" to me.
I fail to understand my turmoil as a default habit pattern,
That repeats itself over and over again,
Like the "Welcome!" message on my telephone answering machine.

I DO understand rationally that the madness I sometimes feel,
Has a negative impact on the events and relationships that transpire in my life.
And yet I often don't know how to feel differently.
I know of no method to rationally change my deep feeling
of impending doom when it suddenly explodes within me.

Such crazy feelings are not something "I" want.
My riotous emotions burst into bloom,
According to a calendar that I know nothing about.
My feelings have seasons that make absolutely no sense to me.
Even though I've been destabilized by my emotions for many years,
It is only recently that I have come to clearly recognize,
Fear has been living inside me.
Influencing so much of what I do,
How I think.
How I feel.

Like a childhood bully who tells you he will kick your butt
unless you give him what he wants,
And you believe him,
So you give him,
Your peace of mind.
Your sense of self.
Your dreams for your future.
And yet wondrously,
Through all of the madness,
I didn't know how to give up.
I didn't know how to fully give in.
I persevered in my suffering.

Many times I heard a voice inside me say "You can beat me,
but you can never own my soul!"
And somehow being able to say this and truly believe this,
Kept me alive.
Kept me in the struggle.
Now, when I muster the presence to stay in the moment with my sense of desperation,
I understand fear to be a guest,
And I have the right and the power,
To ask it to either quiet down, or leave.
When I am fully present in the world and with myself,
I understand that fear can be an important ally at times.
A signal to be heeded.
Yet so important to not let it drown out the rest of what life is communicating.
The rest of what life has to offer.


Recently, with a sense of great relief,
I can report there are now times when for a few minutes,
I experience a deep feeling of calmness.
And even if such feelings have yet to last,
The taste and smell of these experiences linger.
The weight and balance of my memories shift.
I sit quietly,
Breathe deeply,
And look at my alter,
Or out onto the world,
And know that everything is truly just as it should be.
I have been living under the spell of a blessing.
God has been with me from the very beginning.

I know that I have a rightful place in the world.
That my pain and suffering have been righteous,
I stayed the course,
Without giving up what I believe in.
The sanctity of my soul.
The sanctity of every soul.
Lately, I am able to console the frightened little boy, who lives inside me,
By letting him know there is nothing "real" about fear.
It's an illusion that appears when we feel separate, alone, and alienated.
The presence of fear, signaling the absence of love and protection.
The absence of the realization of God.
I help my little boy understand that it is in being together,
That we make everything OK.
Together, the little boy and I come to understand
we are capable of facing whatever might come.
Together,
We actually look forward to life's many challenges.
Together,
We become curious about how we will face death.
Together,
We feel our clear connection to God, and Life, and Hope.

Together.

i need my space (wiggle room)

Ralph's is Heavenly
Originally uploaded by lorenzodom.

Thank you Lorenzodom for this beautiful photo, and the wonderful passage that he wrote for it.
Don't be afraid of emptiness - strive for it instead. for less is more, it really is. space, both physical and mental, gives one room to breath, to think, to create, and conceive. for emptiness, if anything, is clarity, and is often the optimal state of being which is conducive to enlightenment and inspiration.

solitary activities, such as running, writing, meditation, or even bathing, often serve as great catalysts for creativity.Artistss, philosophers, scientists and gurus, all know that solitude is the sine qua non of not only creation, discovery and epiphany, but perhaps most importantly, the personal means to their salvation.

I spent a few days alone in the house. My man was away on business. Usually, I go stir crazy, trying to squeeze 1000 things I have wanting to do in a few hours when he leaves - I mean, I can use the vacuum cleaner as a military tank - zooming around the house like a kamikazi pilot, taking out dustballs and other small things that get in my way, without having to disturb him, or make him move 50 different places because every time he sits down, I have discovered a new place to spot clean. I know that I can get completely annoying, and I need to have that time to be insane by myself. I know that it does him good to be out of the range of fire as well.

Some people hate to be alone - they fear and dread those moments, and desperately try to fill up their time with other people. I personally, love it. I love to travel on my own, eat in restaurants on my own, see movies and concerts by myself. That doesn't mean I am a loner - actually the opposite! I think I am so sociable that it's a handicap. But when the night winds down, it's past midnight, sitting at my computer to write, it's wonderful to be able to turn on the stereo, dance a little dance, chill out with some candles and Jamaicann rum and ramble off ideas to myself.

I love talking to myself when I am alone. I have found out that I am my own best company! I laugh at my own jokes, I listen when I talk, I don't butt in on my own conversations, and I can understand ME! I think my appreciation of solitude and alone time comes from being an only child. I always had a vivid imagination, so friends or no friends, toys or no toys, I was able to make fun wherever I went - and nobody argued with me!

So he is home tonight. Out cold in a deep deep sleep. He stirss when I come into the bed - the mattress shifting wakes him up.

Why were you up so late? he mumbles, eyes trying to adjust to the glow of the clock.

I just wanted to write some stuff.

You have all day to do that.

but it's not the same. At night, there is a peace in the house - your energies, the cat's energies and the outside world pauses for a little while - slows down to a halt. I like to spend some time in those quiet moments, alone.

I have to say that being alone does not mean being lonelyy.

If you have never gone to a restaurant by yourself, I suggest you start small. Starbucks or McDonalds are a non threatening environment. And when you get real good - you can reserve a table for one in a fancy restaurant, order some chardonnay and sip it by candlelight and know that you have just made a huge step in getting to be happy being alone with yourself.

More relevant astro ca-ca

I hate having to refer to these astrological predictions, but these are just TOOO CREEPY especially in the light of what has been happening in the past few weeks, days and what is on the roster re: me going to New York city, taking a scriptwriting course, meeting up with an old contact who works at a government agency that is in charge of funding Canadian filmmakers (who said he would be more than happy to read my script...)

ouf.

Life really is stranger than fiction!

This week for Aries

Mars is standing still in the sky, hovering around a sensitive spot in the celestial sphere, close to a star called Zaurak. The name means 'boat' and people whose birth charts contain strong links to this heavenly body, often have phases when they feel 'all at sea'. You are now being temporarily touched by this influence which explains why you feel as if so much is floating around without direction. Actually, though, you are in the process of making a great journey - one which will eventually lead you to the safe shore of a more secure future. Don't fear or resent an apparent lack of progress. Sooner than you think you will be sailing to success.

!!!!!!!!

And for an apparently gloomy Monday - today's forecast is as follows:

Even if you are not sure where you are going, you want to get there as fast as you can. Nothing seems to be happening fast enough. For a person like you, who values actions more than words, that is frustrating. You had better get used to it. For a few days to come, little may alter. Something big is about to happen. It will bring lasting, positive change, once it occurs. There is little you can do, though, to hurry this process other than to be relaxed, trusting and keep yourself gainfully occupied whilst a little more time passes by.

!!!!!!!

I'll keep you posted...

OMG!!!!!!!

I got this about an hour ago.
I am still reeling!

It's grey, rainy and damp outside but I woke up this morning earlier than normal. There was something pressing to do, learn, read, experience (and no, it was not my bladder...)

There was an awards ceremony last night. Charlotte emailed me last minute and asked me if I wanted to go. I was being a mole - curled up on the couch, box of Kleenex, my allergies and an hour of The Simpsons and Family Guy back to back. I was in no mood to go out.

I woke up this morning and I had a funny feeling - there was something. I could not put my finger on it. Things are starting to stir, motion, movement, a whole lotta shakin going on...

Then I opened my email and this is what was in my inbox:


Well it is too bad none of you could make it, but Alex and I were there and here is a summary of the night:

Most Notable Promotion and Publicity campaign
Nominated: Dum Blond Productions / Sex and la Cité and a few others
Winner : Dum Blond Productions / Sex and la Cité
Yeahhhhhhhh!

Best featured (non-lead) actor in a play
nominated: Peter K (Gino and drag queeextraordinairere)
Winner: some other guy, who cares, Peter's the best in our books

Best Performance by an ensemble cast in English
Nominated: Dum Blond Productions / Sex and la Cité
Winner: Dum Blond Productions / Sex and la Cité

Woohoooo!

We did it! You should all be very proud!!!!

Wish you guys were there to enjoy these moments with us. It was a rush.
and just as an added fun note. Davyn, the organizer said to me, that he was getting calls for our show all week, from people wanting to see it, he even got calls today. Awesome, we haven't exhausted our audience yet and hopefully we will get another chance to do our stuff.
that's all for now, updates next week

P&A

I wrote an email to a friend of mine - joked that:
a) it seems like we are as successful as the tv show
b) are the next Rocky Horror Picture Show -but for the modern 30something crowd

A year ago I never would have thought this would ever happen.
NEVER!

And last year, I said that this would be the summer to change my life?
Well - presto!
lol

Woke up late, really late, cleaned like a fiend.
Serious shit for serious dirt.

I was so peaceful here, things were quiet aside from the cats screaming for attention. I cooked, washed dishes, did the laundry and chilled watching the Simpsons and Family Guy. It was good, but I am feeling down.

PMS? I missed my period for this month - but stress can do that to me, and so can putting on the poundz.

Weary, happy, exhausted and wondering - all this bla bla bla.

I am trying to calm the Trojan army in my head.
the natives are restless
I am slowing down - I knew that after the play and all the other whoopala, I would dribble down the side of the high life.

trying to talk to myself and be safe inside
while it gets damp and grey outside.

I think I am going to take a nice hot soak, drink some wonderful warm rum and cinnamon tea, chill out to a boring movie until I fall asleep in front of the TV.

Funny, one of my x's always used to say - the TV is watching me sleeping, not me watching it...

WTF?

WTF?
Originally uploaded by brokenface.

I laughed so hard when I first saw this, then I began to think, wonder, and feel bad that I laughed so hard at it. Then I walked away, and a few hours later, I did the same thing all over again.

Am I the only one that this is happening to???!!

Sex and La Cité after party

Sex and La Cité after party
Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty.

So this was us after our 1st show at the infamous Chez Mado - Charlotte, Me and Samantha! We were having such a wonderful time!

And would'nt you know it...

It made one year ago this month that I went to chez mado for the first time with one of my friends. I remember saying: 'this place is too wacky, I am going to have to include it into my next film! "

Who would have guessed that a show that managed to sell out (now 13 out of 14 shows in the past 3 months!!) would be something that would come first before my film...

Never in a million years!!
lol

Chez Mado!!

So this was it!The accumulation of all those months of work.
We were actually at Chez Mado! Putting on a play that took place in the place that I had envisioned almost a year ago.

does that make sense?
I don't know, and at this point in my drunken state, frankly, I don't even care!!!

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


A year ago this month, a friend of mine took me to Chez Mado because he designed a hat for Mado (the owner and Diva for the Club) and I was there to document it. I took photos of the place and was so taken back by the insanity of how many people - gay, straight, transgender, bisexual, curious had come to see glamorous drag queens strut their stuff! It was amazing! old people - young people - you name it! It was a real cornucopia of individuals gathering in the name of fun. I was amazed.

And in the back of my head I said - one day, I will put this into a movie!!

And low and behold, a few months later - the play - Sex and La Cite was born!!

And here we are - full circle again - and we are actually performing at the club I had envisioned it would one day play in!!

Oh Dr. Phil and Dr. Dyer - the power of intention is a powerful thing!!!


*****

The show was a smash! Sold out crowd and a rowdy one at that. They laughed at all the ribald references and crazy antics, they cheered and giggled at all the right places. It made me smile - backstage, cramped and teetering precariously on steep steps that lead to a drag queen's lair below. Derek (Pascal) said - hpk - when I hear the audience laugh, I think of you - YOU were the one that wrote this! You are the one who is responsible for making them laugh!!


And I thought about that, let it sink in a minute and smiled.

yea, it was me!!

teee heee heeee!!!!

******


Our original Steve is in New York city on an acting scholarship - it was sad because he was sooo Steve, but I have to give Khris credit - he had huge shoes to fill, and did an AMAZING job! He was great, and won the hearts of the audience at each show. And we all welcomed him into our SALC family.


This group is really a wonderful thing.

I don't think I ever want to let it die - we came together for so many bizarre reasons and for many of them, there are absolutely no explanations, except the fact that we have all made a wonderful piece of theater that has touched quite literally hundreds and hundreds of people.

Sigh.

I am so tipsy, craving some serious starch, fending off the PMS monster and now transferring the images that were taken tonight in our crazy ass celebration (which I will post when I am sober) and it's all wonderful!!

I can't stop thanking the universe, and God above for bringing me to this point in my life - where synchronicity goes beyond the realm of explanation, beyond the realm of 'this is just coincidental' and into the land of you know, this might really have been something that was meant to happen.

I am so thankful that I have been able to have this experience in my life.

I know that when I am 50 and will look back on these events, I will have a huge smile on my face and say:
Yea, those were some wacky and wild Sienfeld-esque times..."


:-)

xooxo

Chiquita Azul - the club life

Chiquita Azul - the club life
Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty.

This is the kind of work that I am doing latley...

Taking photos of people having fun in a club!!

So it's offical - I am the club photographer, and might even have other spin off jobs as well. Several promoters who were at the club that night wanted to see my work, I sent it to them and they fell in love with my stuff. I am really excited and think that my winter just might be a busy one!!!

The play is being put on again this week! Three shows. For one of them, we have sold 200 out of 250 tickets.

I would just die if we ended up selling out all the shows!

I would be a happy woman indeed!!

I will write more soon when things get back to normal!!
xooxo

Astro creepy

Here we go again...

This guy's stuff creeps me out!!


ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
Don't be too sensitive and don't be too numb, either. You are going through important, powerful, changes. You are learning something about the true extent of your ability to change the world around you. You are discovering how, in one way, you can do more than you ever dreamed possible. Yet, in another, you are frustratingly, disappointingly, restricted. How big a problem does this have to be? As big as you choose to allow it to be. Focus now on the positive thing you can do. And the rest will take care of itself.


So interesting.

Today was my last session with my CBT therapist. It was kinda sad. I had grown to really like her and her fantastic insight and her way of making me look at how silly all my negative assumptions about myself were.

I am afraid I will lapse back into my old bad habits - thinking and being pessimistic, that I might fall into a depression again...

Well you have done all the works on yourself so far, I have just been here to guide you. You should be proud of your achievements. I am proud of you and know you will be alright. You have all the tools at your disposal.

So on this rainy day, I stepped out into the city streets, with my silly rubber boots and found the first big puddle and landed into it with both feet simultaneously.

That big puddle was not so big afterall.

Sunset on a hot August night...

Sunset on a hot August night...
Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty.

It seems like so much is happening to me at once - both the good and not so good, but I am trying to take it all in stride -live one day at a time, be mindful of myself and the world around me. This is the summer that has changed my life in so many ways...

When I took this photo, I had been inspired by the shots at dusk that I had shot for the indie film about two weeks ago. Everything seemed so still under the setting sun, everything bathed in a beautiful warm light. The sky, closing it’s eyes, getting ready for sleep.

I have some stunning shots of these moments and will post them soon.

When I look at this photo, I don’t think of it as a sunset, I think of it as a new day stretching it’s wings, announcing - `I will be back tomorrow`!! This is how I now see my path unfold in front of me...

I am working at the club this weekend - Thursday and Sunday - and last weekend was a blast (will post more photos of those crazy events soon). I am going to have a little solo exposition in an upscale ice cream-sorbet shop near my place. I am finishing my CBT the day after tommorow and I bought a notebook to record all my progress. I could not believe the timing. It was right there, in front of me, as if to say: buy me!

On the beautiful seafoam green cover it said in embossed writing:

I am still learning...

Michelangelo


I am still learning, and this is the begining of another lesson and journey.

And just because life sometimes gives you little signs, and sometimes it hits you in the head like a baseball bat...

I had to post this.

The timing once again, is too crazy.

I am a happy laughing camper.

It's sunny and warm outside - and I am sunny and warm inside.

Have a wonderful weekend :-D

Aries weekly forecast from August 25th

Your Weekend: We are surrounded by technological marvels that were all but undreamed of a few decades ago. We face a future so radically different from our past as to be beyond comprehension. No wonder so many of us feel insecure. No wonder, too, that we cling to so many traditions. Incredible things are possible in your life. But only one, truly incredible thing is worth aiming for. Don't be afraid of your future, embrace it. And you'll soon start feeling grateful, for everything that's happening in your world. It's going to be a surprisingly good weekend.

In a taxi on my way home, I met with a wise man...

You know, even if I tried to make my life less complex, I don`t think it would be at all possible. My life is a Sienfeld episode - period. It goes from varying degrees of Kramer-ness, Elaineisims, Jerry-itis and George-a-tosis, but there are just some days that I have to shake my head, throw my hands up in the air and say `What the F*%k was that all about?`.

Tonight was one of those nights, and it was freakywildamazingcrazyeyeopeninglifechanging moments that I thank God I am alive and open minded enough to experience such a blessing.

I would have to spend the next two hours decompressing from the wealth of information that is now packed into my folds of grey matter, and because I am going only on fumes now (Had another AMAZING night at the club tonight - it`s almost 4am and I am bagged dead tired) but this is something I have to write down becasue I know that as soon as I lay my head on the pillow, it will evaporate like unattended pot of boiling water on a stove.

So - where to begin...

I will talk about this cab driver. The moments and the insanity-crazy-wonderful energy that permeated the club tonight will be possible to recount via the almost 320 photos that I took tonight.

yep - 320.

But about the cab driver...

Sometimes, when you really want something, but least expect that its gonna happen during your lifetime, it does. Just like that. Poof!! It`s there, staring you in the face, grinning like aCheshire cat saying I told you so. You asked, and here I am!!

I was not a firm believer of that - power of positive thinking school of thought. If the power of + thinking were that successful, everybody I know would be in a better place financially, physcialluy and emotionally than they are at now.

HOGWASH!!
I said...

Past tense

Over the past month, I have been in a funky kind of therapy called Cognitive behavioral therapy. And let me tell you, it kicks some serious pessimistic ass! The premise is simple - change your thoughts, change your mood = change your life. It sounds ridiculously simple, but it works. I am in the process of being living proof.

Not too long ago, I read a book by Wayne Dyer called the power of intention which basically says - if you believe in what you want, you can make it happen and make it your reality...

there`s no place like home, there`s no place like home.

And sometimes, it`s as easy as clicking the heels of your ruby slippers together a few times
the magic of believing...

I have tried so hard and am still in the process of changing my thinking patters (I have toyed with the idea of writing another blog called - My See Bee tea (a punny phonetic play on words) but i think if I had one more blog or thing to do, I would not have any time to breathe, so I will dump bits and peices of my personal discoveries here...

CBT = change your negative self defeating thought processes. Dispute them, contest them, put them through the ringer - imagine asking yourself the question - what is the worst thing that can happen. Nine times out of ten, you won`t die or lose your limb if the worst case scenario takes place. We just think it will happen that way.

So I have been trying to make myself believe in my abilities as a writer, a photographer, and someone who is actually quite multi-talented and to stop putting up my own roadblocks to success.

Why do I fear success?
I am afraid of failure.
I think we all are to some degree.

Well, this taxi driver tonight just put the whole thing into perspective.
Complete perspective.

I was at the club and it was just amazing how people were responsive to me - hugging me after they saw the result of a great photo I snapped of them, people coming up to me, asking me if I could take their photos as they danced and posed while whooping it up. It was like I was a 10000 watt bulb and I was in the middle of a moth Woodstock weekend. I guess I was glowing, being really happy at what I was doing, and the chain reaction perpetuated another action and so on. I almost did`tn want to leave cause I was having such a blast.

I spoke with the owner - who is IN LOVE with my photos (he can`t tell me enough times a day how much he freaks over them) and tonight said that he told his girlfriend - I found the photographer for the wedding, even though it`s three years away, I know I have to book her now...

I just stood there, stunned with a stupid exhausted grin on my face.

Wow

I went outside and ran into one of the security guards who had a good time chatting with me the night before as she had to do a routine check of my bag. so you are a photographer? Do you do headshots for actors? I am in need of new ones...

And before I left the house today (forgot about that one), I got a call from the organizer of the nude and erotic art festival I was a part of in April and he wanted to know if he could use one of my images for the poster of his next event - a bodypainting competition.

I was stunned.
All in one day - because I put myself out there and believed in my work and how important it is for me to share it with others.

Wow

So the taxi ride home -
This guy - Edwin, was brilliant. Turns out he did his masters and was working on a PHD in philosophy (hello - hats off to anybody who can wrap their head around that stuff!) and could not find a job so he is doing some taxi driving to pay the bills. In brief - these are some of the things he said - There is a difference between thinking , living and believing - we only live one of the two, rarely all three, but the most important is the belief that we can live what we think and believe we could be.

Imagination is God`s workshop.

When you have negative thoughts in your life, during the day, these thoughts are like blood clots in your system. Your heart is the seat of your soul - like a sprinkler nourishing the other parts of your body. When the clot stops your energy from flowing to your heart, the whole system breaks down, the sprinkler stops and everything goes into a shutdown mode. Keep free from those negative thoughts - detach yourself from them, they are only thoughts, and you have control over what you make important in your life - these thoughts are fleeting only if you let them become fleeing. If you give them unnecessary weight and importance, they will become clots and shut down the whole system. You have the power of your mind to focus on what is important and what is real in the here and now.

If you believe, you can make it happen. You start thinking about negative things, of the things you don`t have - I don`t have a job, I don`t have any money, I don`t have this and that - well, if you believe that, you will have what you believe becasue you make that your current reality. If you focus on the good, on what you want, visualize it so that it`s palpable, continue to believe in it, you will get it because your center of need and desire is the power within yourself. Only you stop yourself from becoming what you really want to be. When we go against what other people`s and society`s definition of who we should be, we feel guilty, and guilt is a poison , it is the material of the blood clot. It is unhealthy. As long as you are true to yourself, and you know that what you want is not taking away from or causing harm to anybody else, then the obstacles are of your own making and can be removed by you alone.

There were other things he said - about goodness, detachment from anger and frustration, loving and letting go of hatred and expectations that were all so beautiful. I wish I had enough sense to take notes, but I was completely mesmerized and clung to his every word.

I was sitting in a taxi cab, on a Friday night, 3:30am with a Haitian Buddha
and it was truly a mystical experience.

Ah! You are a photographer! I would love to get some photos of myself, with a nice house, happy and content becasue I will put those in my apartment and look at them every day. That will remind me that all I want is within my reach. I will remind myself that the only thing that stands between me and what I desire is my own self-doubt and worry. If you believe it, you will have it.

If you build it, they will come.

Somehow, that line from Field of Dreams does not seem that far fetched anymore.

So as I close this, yet another lengthy diatribe monologue to myself, or perhaps to my fellow bloggers out there, or maybe even somebody who happened to stumble onto my site here, do yourself a favor. Write down your intention. Take a photo of yourself happy and where you really want to be. Print it out, post it on your wall and look at it every day - say This is me and I have it already - it is within my reach and mine to keep. Now, I believe that something magical may just happen...

I might just take that photo of me before I hit the mattress , but then again, I want to look at least half rested and glowing when I imagine myself sharing my books, movies and photography with the world...

:-D


And as I do the final spell check on this document, I have to laugh out loud.

You know what word I am having the hardest time with - spelling it wrong all the time?

You guessed it

believe

I think i should write it 100 times on a paper so I can memorize it...

Zippy

I remember years ago, a good friend of mine - Barnes, called me Zippy because I was always running around, never in one place. He was so funny - in his deep Lou Gossett Jr. voice, drawing an imaginary line across his chest - "zippy..."

And that name so fits me so well lately.

I can't believe I am awake at this ungodly hour. It's 8:20 and I have had only about 2 hours of sleep. The sun comes up and no matter what time I went to bed, a bright early morning has me out of bed and running around - being zippy again.

but i will need my sleep as I am doing another late night again tonight...

So in a gazillion words or less - things are WILD CRAZY!!

- found out that the show - Sex and La Cité, will be playing 3 nights in this festival. One of those nights will be at the Just for Laughs Comedy museum. Capacity 250. WOW! And then two nights at the famous Chez Mado. We are all freaking and pumped. It's going to be a big venue and we are hoping to fill it...
fingers crossed

- I just did some cinematography for a friend's film over the weekend. It was a trailer for his upcoming feature. I got the position by fluke. I had originally met him for the position of director, but he found somebody else who had their own cinematographer. But then about 3 weeks ago, he called me and said that the director's guy had another film to shoot, so the position was open and he had raved about me to the director. Next thing I know, I am looking at the script, meeting with everybody and then spending last weekend shooting the thing! It was a wonderful experience (and I hate to toot my own horn, but the footage was KICK ASS!!) and when the money comes in to shoot the feature, it's gonna be mine to shoot!! No money, but hell! What an experience!!

- I got a last minute call from that club I worked for - 1234. Last minute last Friday night. I was to work on the film Saturday morning - and be on set by 7:30am...
I know it's last minute, but would you be able to come in and shoot something tonight!? The photographer for the fashion show backed out and we are left without anybody to document this... I would really appreciate it but understand if you can't make it... Well, needless to say, I jumped on the chance and went (I was a wreck the next morning, but was okay after my 20th coffee).

Well, wouldn't you know, I got a call last night from the same people from the club asking : I know it's last minute again, but we are going to need you tonight, and tomorrow night. And we would like to book you in advance for the 1st and the 4th of September, and then again on the 4th and 30th of October...
I almost swallowed the receiver my mouth had opened so wide! The catch was that at my usual going rate, twice a month, every month for the next 4 months was a lot of money - but he said:We have been approached by other people who want to take the photos, but frankly, I love your photos so much, you are my star photographer of choice. So can we talk price?

I settled on a half decent deal and both parties were happy.

BUT
there is always a but isn't there...

I got to the club (and thank God I followed my instinct to take my other flash) and I start to take some photos, and realize that my in - camera flash has died!! I almost lost it, but some internal switch overrode the panic button in my head and I just made do with a slow, but functional external flash. It was hysterical - I don't know if it was just the night, the moon, or the alcohol, but everybody was just dying to have their photo taken (which made my job a helluva lot easier!)!! So that was all good.

it's all good.

And I am one happy and exhausted camper now.

And I am going to be going to New York for the first time in my life in October!! A group of people from Flickr have managed to get a group exposition off the ground and I am taking part in it as well as being part of the 'artist speaker' series which will be open to the public as well as the expo which will be in a gallery in Harlem. I am quietly flipping with large bags under my eyes and a huge grin on my face.

Speaking of bags...

I should get a token amount of sleep again before I officially start my day. I was hoping that typing a marathon blog would get me sleepy, instead it's just gotten me hungry.

Time to have a bowl of Lucky Charms - They're magically delicious!!

Another encore!??!?!

So it seems like the Sex and La Cité buzz just won't quit!!

We are scheduled to have three more shows - that's right, three more shows!! And that is only in September!!! We might have another repeat in October, around Halloween. A party that would rival the Rocky Horror Picture show, with contests a la Sex and the City (Who has the best shoes, who can do the best Carrie Bradshaw squeal, who can do the best Big saying "absofuckenutley", a drag queen contest and dress up as your favourite character). Audience participation would be the key, but that is still on the back burner for now. And there might be another possibility to play in a real theater - the Centaur in January. Big time shit. but we shall see...

So me?
Little old me?
Running on worn out shock absorbers and my tire treads are wearing thin,
but
I am doing cinematography for a trailer for an independant feature film this weekend. Basically, if things go well, then I get to do the whole feature, but that is being way ahead of myself. But it is Saturday and Sunday, pretty easy shots, but lots of people in a tiny space. I know the guy, super cool, and he is managing to get almost all the equipment for free (whereas 'normal' people would have to pay aroud $2000 for the weekend...) and lots of other important people backing him. I am a little nervous, I have to admit, but it's not like there is a $40,000 budget and producers hanging over my head!! Thank God I aced that one! Now I can look back and remind myself of this when I go into smaller shoots cause nothing will compare to that one (well, until I get a bigger one, but who knows when that will be!!)!

So I am off to study the camera - Canon XL1
...
Don't buy it.
It's a total peice of crap! (bit that's just my personal opinion...)
If you want to sink $4000 into a dv cam, go Panasonic, at least most of the body is made out of industrial plastic, not like this one. When I use it, I feel like I am playing with an oversized Barbie Video camera!! (btw - has anybody seen the "my first mobil phone" for kids!?!??! What the hell!? - "mommy, I am in my room and I have to go poo now..." And what's up with this and this!?!?

lol

Little Fanny - In memory of Hiroshima

Little Fanny - In memory of Hiroshima
Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty.

I came across this tombstone and took this photo in the older part of the Mount Royal Cemetary - where rich families were burried. Apparently, during the turn of the century, there was a polio epidemic here, and many children died before the age of 5. There were so many of these 'simple graves' everywhere, but this one was the most disturbing...

I dedicate this photo to all who lost their lives during the bombing of Hiroshima, especially all those children who did not have a chance to grow up.

Reaching out for a little bit of flickr loving...

You know, sometimes the internet is a wonderful place to be, to meet people, to exchange ideas, to reach out into the world. Sure there are bad ways and good ways of doing it, but I must admit, being able to reach out to people, knowing that my work is changing their lives is something more than money could ever buy. It makes me feel like I have purpose, like my art and the sharing of my art with the world makes a difference...

Here are some of the quotes/testimonials people have written for me...

"Kitty is a true chameleon. I love her images and always look forward to what new places she'll take us.Whether it be backstage, in the club, or in the bedroom.Her images strike the spark that starts the raging bonfire of beauty, art, love and desire.Her confidence and power shine through and inspire."
inkycat

"Kitty is the kind of person that brings a smile to your face by only thinking about her.I find in Kitty a splendid example of a 'full' person: intelligent, daring - yet at same time sensitive and listening. She has the gift of superb sense of humor and no less than that and very rare to find - beautiful self awareness of a whole person up to the finest intimate erotic shades.Put them all together and you'll find Kitty, a person I consider myself lucky to have met in this flickr world."
Baracute

"hpk is one amazing woman that is a true delight..from the very sensual to music images..in between all this is a rare talent and joy..." alfarman

shadowbox says:"Sensual, sassy, chic and seething with moxie...much like that favorite city of mine from which she hails. Oh and she takes pretty pictures, too."

viewfinder says:"for me, this is a place to say "wow." i never intend to say it, but kitty draws it from me every time I'm here, as easily as she might drape an arm around my shoulders, look into my eyes, kiss my cheek.you see, kitty's pics come with a touch -- like the caress, the look, the kiss -- also the slap, the embrace, the thrust... they breathe, and sigh, and moan, and live.we shooters all approach the geometry of our art differently, that personal vector that somehow describes a line from our eye to the world and back again... some of us hide therein and some of us with it reveal some truth, some axiomatic essence of self. kitty is very much the latter of the two, for which I appreciate and admire her very much."

Klugarsh says:"Understands & achieves the ART of photography, to which most of us seem unaware, indifferent, or impotent.& Canadian to boot."

drp says:"Raw.
Sincere.
Emotional.
Erotic.
Genuine.
Sexual.
Courageous.

These are not taboo words.
Nor are they negative traits.
They are real. Human.

HPK presents life as such. In all of its grit and glory. Some might be offended.
Oh well.
Your loss.

This is life, as art, as life.
I, for one, admire it.
And her.

Keep going, HPK."

I can't tell you how amazing it is to have people say that about me and my work. I have to re-read each of these things when I am feeling down and sad - doubting myself and my work, which I have been doing alot lately.

Perhaps too much, to the point of possibly being self destructive.

But to everything - turn, turn, turn.

God did not make everything in a day, and on the last day, he rested!!
Rest - seems like a foreign language tern to me lately...


I just got this from a new flickr friend - we were talking about the strange closeness of the internet community and how people meet...

I think that the web, and the communities on the web that are forming now, are a type of compression and expansion of the human experience, and that out of the sheer millions of people online at any point make running into a like spirit so out there, that it must be destiny.

Destiny? Perhaps.
I like to think that there is a bigger plan - that my photos and my writings are out there and touching people's lives for a reason.

My suffering was not in vain.
And my joys were for sharing...


One last closing comment from my sweet friend tracey - the dak

Indeed, your work is reaching out to an inspired mass often in awe of your talent; I'm flattered that you think my pictures are cool - thank you. :) I'd never really thought about that - the hope of making a difference in somebody's life with my work - it makes more sense the more i think about it, and if anything, it's an awesome emotional perk to a frustrating, tiring artist.

and yes it is tracey -
yes it is...