Living with Fear

In a few weeks, I will be going to New York for the first time in my life. SOme of my photos are part of an exhibition in Harlem along with my other flickr friends. I am so excited but at the same time, full of fear. Today, I came across this passage - and how appropriate it was shook me to the core, but at the same time, was the pefect preperation for this life changing trip I am about to embark on. It's a bit of a read, but it is worth it.



Living with Fear
Time and again I realize I often live in a reality that has
little correlation to the current circumstances of my life.
It is a lovely spring morning,
And I sit by my window watching buds of pink and blue hyacinths burst into bloom.
The scene so stunning I feel like I'm watching slow motion photography
on The Discovery Channel!

Yet for some reason I feel depressed and ill at ease,
Even though my life is basically working well.
At another time and place, On a crisp winter evening,
With a full moon shining brightly.
Everything fine on the surface,
But underneath,
Subterranean, I find myself quite anxious and unsettled.
Feeling like something terrible is just beginning to happen,
And it's only going to get worse.
This sense of impending doom,
Unrelated to the current circumstances of my life.
It's as if the cells of my body remember
something terrible that my rational mind has long forgotten.

When I am incapable of reaching a place of serenity,
A place of sanity,I feel great pain.
My roller coaster emotional state has imposed a mood in me for so long,
That feeling "wrong" feels "right" to me.
I fail to understand my turmoil as a default habit pattern,
That repeats itself over and over again,
Like the "Welcome!" message on my telephone answering machine.

I DO understand rationally that the madness I sometimes feel,
Has a negative impact on the events and relationships that transpire in my life.
And yet I often don't know how to feel differently.
I know of no method to rationally change my deep feeling
of impending doom when it suddenly explodes within me.

Such crazy feelings are not something "I" want.
My riotous emotions burst into bloom,
According to a calendar that I know nothing about.
My feelings have seasons that make absolutely no sense to me.
Even though I've been destabilized by my emotions for many years,
It is only recently that I have come to clearly recognize,
Fear has been living inside me.
Influencing so much of what I do,
How I think.
How I feel.

Like a childhood bully who tells you he will kick your butt
unless you give him what he wants,
And you believe him,
So you give him,
Your peace of mind.
Your sense of self.
Your dreams for your future.
And yet wondrously,
Through all of the madness,
I didn't know how to give up.
I didn't know how to fully give in.
I persevered in my suffering.

Many times I heard a voice inside me say "You can beat me,
but you can never own my soul!"
And somehow being able to say this and truly believe this,
Kept me alive.
Kept me in the struggle.
Now, when I muster the presence to stay in the moment with my sense of desperation,
I understand fear to be a guest,
And I have the right and the power,
To ask it to either quiet down, or leave.
When I am fully present in the world and with myself,
I understand that fear can be an important ally at times.
A signal to be heeded.
Yet so important to not let it drown out the rest of what life is communicating.
The rest of what life has to offer.


Recently, with a sense of great relief,
I can report there are now times when for a few minutes,
I experience a deep feeling of calmness.
And even if such feelings have yet to last,
The taste and smell of these experiences linger.
The weight and balance of my memories shift.
I sit quietly,
Breathe deeply,
And look at my alter,
Or out onto the world,
And know that everything is truly just as it should be.
I have been living under the spell of a blessing.
God has been with me from the very beginning.

I know that I have a rightful place in the world.
That my pain and suffering have been righteous,
I stayed the course,
Without giving up what I believe in.
The sanctity of my soul.
The sanctity of every soul.
Lately, I am able to console the frightened little boy, who lives inside me,
By letting him know there is nothing "real" about fear.
It's an illusion that appears when we feel separate, alone, and alienated.
The presence of fear, signaling the absence of love and protection.
The absence of the realization of God.
I help my little boy understand that it is in being together,
That we make everything OK.
Together, the little boy and I come to understand
we are capable of facing whatever might come.
Together,
We actually look forward to life's many challenges.
Together,
We become curious about how we will face death.
Together,
We feel our clear connection to God, and Life, and Hope.

Together.