I'm skipping a bit ahead in my photo joural, but this is an important part of the puzzle, the key to this whole story, so I thought I should post this and how that day became an important turning point in my trip.
****
So there I was, in a new city that I had waited years to visit, my maiden voyage to this new land, on a mission of self-discovery, to meet new people and to plant the seeds for what I still hope will be part of my future.
Walking to the base of the Brooklyn Bridge, I saw this sculpture, and that's when it all fell into place...
ErosLefar said it best : "It's only when we are souls and body is broken does the real 'us' shine through."
I almost wept when he said this because there was so much truth to it, so much of that truth was mine.
And there I was, on the other side of a Bridge, a new place, with new ideas and friends, and bold new adventures waiting for me. My old shell of the old me had begun to crack, and inside shone a bright light - a new and strong beacon, an energy that I had long considered to be completly extinguished was radiating again. That's when my trip turned into a personal journey and mission - to find and bring out the HPK that has been hidden for so long.
I stood there, completly mesmerized, trying to comprehend the unbeleivable sequence of events that had lead me there, and just how much I was she - this lone woman, finding inner peace on her own little island, amidst the bright lights of the big city - being reborn.
It was only later on that night when I realized the kind of photos I had captured - the meaning behind the framing, juxtaposition, the angles I chose spoke more about me, where I was and where I wanted to go than I realized.
Dusk, and ending of a day, the light inside, begining of a new one.
The sun is always there, the light and darkness just come in cycles.
the sun is always there...
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Saturday, October 29, 2005
R&R
Still need some rest.
GAWD ! I am so tired.
See some of my stuff here
(http://www.flickr.com/photos/hellophotokitty
Have so many stories to tell it's not even funny!!
Will start soon though - gotta keep the memories fresh!!
GAWD ! I am so tired.
See some of my stuff here
(http://www.flickr.com/photos/hellophotokitty
Have so many stories to tell it's not even funny!!
Will start soon though - gotta keep the memories fresh!!
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
It's Christmas time!!!
This guy kills me - every time!Coming back from NYC - still on a high but exhausted!!!
I just thought this was too funny in the light of my trip - lol!!
Wednesday, 26th October 2005
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
It isn't Christmas yet. If you go to the shops, though, you could be forgiven for thinking that it must be due any day now. All the trimmings are up for sale. Be inspired by this. Christmas doesn't come every day, but it does come eventually and, when it does, it is (usually) worth waiting for. Other times of opportunity also come and go. Right now, you have a rare chance to do something that isn't normally possible. Don't assume that, just because the time hasn't been right in the past, it isn't right now.
Hmm, is the world really my oyster?!!
Me and Victor by the maestro - Delares!
OMG!
I had the most AMAZING time of my life in NYC!! So many stories to tell, so many strange and beauitful coincidences that made so much sense, and oh! The wonderful friends I had made!! One of the most memorable 10 days of my life so far!!!
I had the most AMAZING time of my life in NYC!! So many stories to tell, so many strange and beauitful coincidences that made so much sense, and oh! The wonderful friends I had made!! One of the most memorable 10 days of my life so far!!!
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
OMGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!
NYC here I come!!
This time tomorrow , I will be on a buss, past Albany on my way to the big apple!
I am so pumped!
it's 3:15am and I must go to SLEEP!!!
I will try to write as much as I can, but internet will be expensive down there!!!
oxoxoxoo
:-D
This time tomorrow , I will be on a buss, past Albany on my way to the big apple!
I am so pumped!
it's 3:15am and I must go to SLEEP!!!
I will try to write as much as I can, but internet will be expensive down there!!!
oxoxoxoo
:-D
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Man's search for meaning in the stretchy fabric of time...
If we crave some cosmic purpose, then let us find ourselves a worthy goal"
-- Dr. Carl Sagan
I once read a book by Victor Frankl called Man's Search for Meaning - the really 'cliff notes for dummies' version of it goes something like this:
a man gets stuck in a concentration camp, he sees family and friends kidnapped and killed for no reason. Death is as constant as the sun's rays. While looking at this as a hopeless situation, he realizes that every man has the capacity in him to be able to adapt to any situation and survive, have a will to live by just thinking and believing these thoughts, through which a whole new existence emerges. Quoting Frankl who quotes Nietzsche - 'He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how.'
I have been looking forward to this journey to NYC for a long time. Many years in fact. I am both nervous and excited. I also know that this trip will be a leap of faith in many ways - and I will be asked to take a leap as well. I can feel it in my bones.
I returned to one of my favorite books by Andrei Tarkovsky - Sculpting in Time. I happened to stumble upon this site through a link from Tarkovsky's links page. For those of you who don't know who he is, he is the greatest modern Russian director of all time. When I first saw his film the Mirror, it changed my life. Cinema was no longer images of people talking and walking through a formulaic plot, Tarkovsky's cinema was art in its purest form. I can go on for pages, gushing about how I love his films, how he has influenced me in my films, photos and writing, but I will just give you a link and discover about him yourselves; you wont be sorry you did.
Tarkovsky was a firm believer that creativity - the true essence of the word, was something that is inherent in all of us, but some are just more receptive to this gift, and some know how to use it, but must learn to use it well.
Now perhaps it might seem that I am being really presumptuous to say this, but ever since I was a kid, I felt something stirring inside of me - a sense of purpose. It was not until I went to college did I realize that I was skilled in telling stories both through the written word and images. I once joked to a friend and said: you know, I think I am here on this earth for a reason. I feel like I have some sort of great purpose that is driving me, but I am not sure how to go about it. I feel full with this sense of wonder and magnificence. Maybe I am destined to be great, but it is a selfless greatness. She smiled and said I know you are, it shows...
I am wondering if she saw, back then, that I would now be heading on the path that I want to take, building the road to be able to travel on where I can spread my vision to others. There is nothing I would want more than to be able to just make movies - not your ordinary Hollywood fare, no Titanics, no Aliens, but movies that move, touch and haunt you long after the credits disappear. That is how I felt after I read Sculpting in Time.
aeons ago, I received another book from my bfriend as a gift. It was being mailed from Italy and was to be delayed indefinitely. But low and behold, it showed up the same day - my birthday. I was so moved by this beautiful sentiment - Luce Istantanea (Spontaneous Illumination) - a book of polaroids and poems by Tarkovsky in Italian (back when I was able to speak it) I ripped open the packaging, opened the first page, and there was a coincidence that completely moved me to tears. The book was an ode to a friend - a fond farewell. Inside - a dedication:
The winged figure of an angel comes to rest, luminous in the surrounding darkness, like a visible presence of heaven on earth: a presence hidden by a veil, a presence that cannot be described except by the gestured showing another invisible presence to our watching gaze. On the set of the film Mirror, Andrei Tarkovsky put himself in a shot lying in a hospital bed, holding a tiny bird in his right hand. And this is what happened to him at the end of his life: in his sickroom in Paris, the room where he died, a little bird would fly every morning through the open window and come to light on him.
That book came in the mail on April 4th - my 30th birthday.
Andrei Tarkovsky was born on April 4, 1932.
I was born April 4,th 1968.
It was during the last year of his life when he managed to finish the book Sculpting in Time.
He died in exile in Paris on December 29, 1986.
It was that a few days before New Year's eve - 1986 that I remember nights of extreme panic, suffocating fear, hopeless desperation and catastrophic impending doom. And during those few days before January 1st,1987 , I went to my first of so many visits to the hospital, so many nights and days lost in a world of catatonic confusion before I was diagnosed as manic-depressive.
Well, you may have read in this blog and come to know me as someone who is a big lover of synchronous moments. In my defense I say this:
We are all made of molecules and atoms which are sensitive to vibrations because energy is in constant motion. There is a gravitational pull on this planet which keeps the earth from whirling out into space.
There is order.
We are alive.
But sometimes, somewhere, there is a star that dies - implode in on itself and disappears; and sometimes there is another star in the process of being born. Perhaps, just maybe, on a subatomic level, we can feel that distant explosion, and that gravitational push or pull might just tug ever so slightly at the fabric of time so synchronous moments can occur. I know it's a quasi romantic Carl Sagan* - esque type of theory, but there are some things in the universe that just can't be explained, that baffle even the most intelligent physicists in the world, some thing just happen - we watch and marvel at the wonder of it all.
Having written my first cryptic word at the age of 2, I would find out only 33 years later that this word - "okhtohie' meant 'purpose' in Japanese. Having veered off in several different directions throughout my life, I believe that my existence here is for a 'purpose' - to write and share my outrageous yet true stories with the masses (along with adding some biting commentary for comic relief, and pretty visuals for cerebral stimulation). I am am imagination specialist and do other Joe jobs to make a living and hopefully have enough money one day to actually do what I really love for the rest of my silly Sienfeldesque life.
Funny thing, time - when I come back from New York city, this blog will be just shy of 5 days of the date one year ago when I started it.
*(cue the funky space music and put Carl in front of a screen of lots of stars, some universe CGI..)
"And there have been a beellionz stars that have come through her path - stars in various states of birth and death, and with each came a discovery - a begining to some, and end to others, and oh how brightly the heavens have shone. Well, time is a stretchy lycra-like fabric onto itself, and once stretched to its limit, it has a built in memory, and returns to its perfect state. And so this next 365 days will be filled with beellionz and beellionz of more stars and planets. Oh what a delightful celestial show we have to look forward to, it's a terrifically exciting thing..."
"The suppression of uncomfortable ideas may be common in religion or in politics, but it is not the path to knowledge, and there's no place for it in the endeavor of science. We do not know beforehand where fundamental insights will arise from about our mysterious and lovely solar system. The history of our study of our solar system shows us clearly that accepted and conventional ideas are often wrong, and that fundamental insights can arise from the most unexpected sources."
-- Carl Sagan.
-- Dr. Carl Sagan
I once read a book by Victor Frankl called Man's Search for Meaning - the really 'cliff notes for dummies' version of it goes something like this:
a man gets stuck in a concentration camp, he sees family and friends kidnapped and killed for no reason. Death is as constant as the sun's rays. While looking at this as a hopeless situation, he realizes that every man has the capacity in him to be able to adapt to any situation and survive, have a will to live by just thinking and believing these thoughts, through which a whole new existence emerges. Quoting Frankl who quotes Nietzsche - 'He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how.'
I have been looking forward to this journey to NYC for a long time. Many years in fact. I am both nervous and excited. I also know that this trip will be a leap of faith in many ways - and I will be asked to take a leap as well. I can feel it in my bones.
I returned to one of my favorite books by Andrei Tarkovsky - Sculpting in Time. I happened to stumble upon this site through a link from Tarkovsky's links page. For those of you who don't know who he is, he is the greatest modern Russian director of all time. When I first saw his film the Mirror, it changed my life. Cinema was no longer images of people talking and walking through a formulaic plot, Tarkovsky's cinema was art in its purest form. I can go on for pages, gushing about how I love his films, how he has influenced me in my films, photos and writing, but I will just give you a link and discover about him yourselves; you wont be sorry you did.
Tarkovsky was a firm believer that creativity - the true essence of the word, was something that is inherent in all of us, but some are just more receptive to this gift, and some know how to use it, but must learn to use it well.
Now perhaps it might seem that I am being really presumptuous to say this, but ever since I was a kid, I felt something stirring inside of me - a sense of purpose. It was not until I went to college did I realize that I was skilled in telling stories both through the written word and images. I once joked to a friend and said: you know, I think I am here on this earth for a reason. I feel like I have some sort of great purpose that is driving me, but I am not sure how to go about it. I feel full with this sense of wonder and magnificence. Maybe I am destined to be great, but it is a selfless greatness. She smiled and said I know you are, it shows...
I am wondering if she saw, back then, that I would now be heading on the path that I want to take, building the road to be able to travel on where I can spread my vision to others. There is nothing I would want more than to be able to just make movies - not your ordinary Hollywood fare, no Titanics, no Aliens, but movies that move, touch and haunt you long after the credits disappear. That is how I felt after I read Sculpting in Time.
aeons ago, I received another book from my bfriend as a gift. It was being mailed from Italy and was to be delayed indefinitely. But low and behold, it showed up the same day - my birthday. I was so moved by this beautiful sentiment - Luce Istantanea (Spontaneous Illumination) - a book of polaroids and poems by Tarkovsky in Italian (back when I was able to speak it) I ripped open the packaging, opened the first page, and there was a coincidence that completely moved me to tears. The book was an ode to a friend - a fond farewell. Inside - a dedication:
The winged figure of an angel comes to rest, luminous in the surrounding darkness, like a visible presence of heaven on earth: a presence hidden by a veil, a presence that cannot be described except by the gestured showing another invisible presence to our watching gaze. On the set of the film Mirror, Andrei Tarkovsky put himself in a shot lying in a hospital bed, holding a tiny bird in his right hand. And this is what happened to him at the end of his life: in his sickroom in Paris, the room where he died, a little bird would fly every morning through the open window and come to light on him.
That book came in the mail on April 4th - my 30th birthday.
Andrei Tarkovsky was born on April 4, 1932.
I was born April 4,th 1968.
It was during the last year of his life when he managed to finish the book Sculpting in Time.
He died in exile in Paris on December 29, 1986.
It was that a few days before New Year's eve - 1986 that I remember nights of extreme panic, suffocating fear, hopeless desperation and catastrophic impending doom. And during those few days before January 1st,1987 , I went to my first of so many visits to the hospital, so many nights and days lost in a world of catatonic confusion before I was diagnosed as manic-depressive.
Well, you may have read in this blog and come to know me as someone who is a big lover of synchronous moments. In my defense I say this:
We are all made of molecules and atoms which are sensitive to vibrations because energy is in constant motion. There is a gravitational pull on this planet which keeps the earth from whirling out into space.
There is order.
We are alive.
But sometimes, somewhere, there is a star that dies - implode in on itself and disappears; and sometimes there is another star in the process of being born. Perhaps, just maybe, on a subatomic level, we can feel that distant explosion, and that gravitational push or pull might just tug ever so slightly at the fabric of time so synchronous moments can occur. I know it's a quasi romantic Carl Sagan* - esque type of theory, but there are some things in the universe that just can't be explained, that baffle even the most intelligent physicists in the world, some thing just happen - we watch and marvel at the wonder of it all.
Having written my first cryptic word at the age of 2, I would find out only 33 years later that this word - "okhtohie' meant 'purpose' in Japanese. Having veered off in several different directions throughout my life, I believe that my existence here is for a 'purpose' - to write and share my outrageous yet true stories with the masses (along with adding some biting commentary for comic relief, and pretty visuals for cerebral stimulation). I am am imagination specialist and do other Joe jobs to make a living and hopefully have enough money one day to actually do what I really love for the rest of my silly Sienfeldesque life.
Funny thing, time - when I come back from New York city, this blog will be just shy of 5 days of the date one year ago when I started it.
*(cue the funky space music and put Carl in front of a screen of lots of stars, some universe CGI..)
"And there have been a beellionz stars that have come through her path - stars in various states of birth and death, and with each came a discovery - a begining to some, and end to others, and oh how brightly the heavens have shone. Well, time is a stretchy lycra-like fabric onto itself, and once stretched to its limit, it has a built in memory, and returns to its perfect state. And so this next 365 days will be filled with beellionz and beellionz of more stars and planets. Oh what a delightful celestial show we have to look forward to, it's a terrifically exciting thing..."
"The suppression of uncomfortable ideas may be common in religion or in politics, but it is not the path to knowledge, and there's no place for it in the endeavor of science. We do not know beforehand where fundamental insights will arise from about our mysterious and lovely solar system. The history of our study of our solar system shows us clearly that accepted and conventional ideas are often wrong, and that fundamental insights can arise from the most unexpected sources."
-- Carl Sagan.
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Today's post is brought to you buy the letter A
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As I lean on the letter A on the keyboard, I make the same sound.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
and then to punctuate the end, I add a big H!
In less than a week and I am going to NYC
For the very first time in my whole entire life!
I am so pumped, freaked out, overjoyed, elated euphoric, dizzy, excited, bemused, shaken, awe-struck, bewildered, distracted, anxious, beside myself, frantic, thrilled, apprehensive...
A whole Molotov cocktail of emotions that blew up last night.
My camera is in the shop (and to my horror perhaps 'wont be back till Christmas...") which would mean that I would have to run through the streets, naked, to the visual and censorial Mecca of America without my magic eyes. I almost weep. (well, in fact, I did weep) To rent one down there would cost me 350$, so at that price, why not just put that towards a new one?
Well, I was not planning to do that so soon - was waiting for some cash and a few more jobs to come in before taking plunge, but throughout my vigilante comparison shopping hunt, I find out that the Canon 20D with a lens, 2Gig card, a battery, and a spectacular 3 year warranty would cost me less than $2000 Canadian!! I was asked to pay $1500 plus tax for a used one!! (and an added $350 in tax my dears). I was so relieved. Now, I must be able to get to B&H before they close Friday the 14th before 2pm because the rest of the month is Sukkoth (high Jewish holiday) and if I didn't get there in time, that would make me angry. Very angry...
Last night into the morning, bleary eyed and weak, I looked for places to stay. It's crazy how expensive some hotels were, and I wasn't up to staying in a Hostel with 6 other people because I want this trip to be a personal journey of sorts - find my spiritual center, take HPK around a city that never sleeps, and then - take the leap of faith into the seeds of a new life, knowing that somehow the net will appear
because it always does...
I know I will come back with stars in my eyes and feel renewed creativeky, which is what I need right now. (did I mention that my photos were going to be part of a Flickr exposition down there??) I will meet people who will become very influential in my life, who will put me in touch with other people. I have a feeling that some people will see the rawness in my art, admire me for bearing my soul, and take me under their wing. If that does not happen of its own record, I will make damm sure that I will put the wheels into motion so that it does happen!
Speaking of knowing...
My cousin from out west was here about a month ago. She seems happy with her new husband in their wedded domestic financially secure bliss. One day a few months ago (I am thinking it must have been in June/July) I got a sudden flash that my cousin was pregnant. It was the strangest thing - just like that bloop! Into my mind like a water filled balloon. I questioned myself as to where that strange insight came, but after years of things like this happening to me, I don't try anymore. I think that I am gifted with a heightened sense of perception, can perhaps tune into other people's energy wavelengths easier than most, but as I said before, it's not the first time it happened.
I let the thoughts pass - another random mind hic-up, and went about my merry way (probably, stressing - as usual...)
Today, my mom calls me - and before I even got a chance to lift the receiver to my ear she said:Did you hear the big news? Your cousin is pregnant!!
It was an AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! Moment. I knew it!! I knew it !!
Perplexed, she asked: oh, she told you already?
She also knows that I have that proclivity for sensing the 'unusual and unseen'.
Turns out that my timing was correct. She said she was two months, but mentioned that she was due in April (LOL! She is going to have her hands full with an Aries child!! LOL). So I am going to be an Auntie. Not that I will see my niece often, but I just throughout it was cool.
now where was I?
Oh yea, knowing and doing...
The last time I took a solo trip was to Cuba in 2003. Now that was a life changer and I am so glad I went solo - spending time by yourself is such a beautiful thing! I have always felt that way - loved living on my own, but traveling was the next big step.
I laughed with a friend of mine the other day
HPK - you are going to LOVE NEW YORK! You will never want to come back!
I think that my head is going to explode the moment I get off the buss.
The visual that accompanied those words was enough to make us snort like two sows in a rainstorm.
I can just see you, with your curly red hair - and then BOOM! All over the place.
I had to admit, it would have been kind of funny, but I think I'll just get off the buss and walk around with my jaw dragging on the floor behind me. I think I will be so stunned, I will be able to carry my luggage inside of my mouth...
So the place looks quaint: The Virginia Guest house.
All I can say is as long as there are no bed bugs, I am a happy camper.
So the thought of sinking $2000 into a camera is making me nervous.
But I will unwind in front of the TV tonight and watch some Law and Order and leave the stress behind for a little while...
As I lean on the letter A on the keyboard, I make the same sound.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
and then to punctuate the end, I add a big H!
In less than a week and I am going to NYC
For the very first time in my whole entire life!
I am so pumped, freaked out, overjoyed, elated euphoric, dizzy, excited, bemused, shaken, awe-struck, bewildered, distracted, anxious, beside myself, frantic, thrilled, apprehensive...
A whole Molotov cocktail of emotions that blew up last night.
My camera is in the shop (and to my horror perhaps 'wont be back till Christmas...") which would mean that I would have to run through the streets, naked, to the visual and censorial Mecca of America without my magic eyes. I almost weep. (well, in fact, I did weep) To rent one down there would cost me 350$, so at that price, why not just put that towards a new one?
Well, I was not planning to do that so soon - was waiting for some cash and a few more jobs to come in before taking plunge, but throughout my vigilante comparison shopping hunt, I find out that the Canon 20D with a lens, 2Gig card, a battery, and a spectacular 3 year warranty would cost me less than $2000 Canadian!! I was asked to pay $1500 plus tax for a used one!! (and an added $350 in tax my dears). I was so relieved. Now, I must be able to get to B&H before they close Friday the 14th before 2pm because the rest of the month is Sukkoth (high Jewish holiday) and if I didn't get there in time, that would make me angry. Very angry...
Last night into the morning, bleary eyed and weak, I looked for places to stay. It's crazy how expensive some hotels were, and I wasn't up to staying in a Hostel with 6 other people because I want this trip to be a personal journey of sorts - find my spiritual center, take HPK around a city that never sleeps, and then - take the leap of faith into the seeds of a new life, knowing that somehow the net will appear
because it always does...
I know I will come back with stars in my eyes and feel renewed creativeky, which is what I need right now. (did I mention that my photos were going to be part of a Flickr exposition down there??) I will meet people who will become very influential in my life, who will put me in touch with other people. I have a feeling that some people will see the rawness in my art, admire me for bearing my soul, and take me under their wing. If that does not happen of its own record, I will make damm sure that I will put the wheels into motion so that it does happen!
Speaking of knowing...
My cousin from out west was here about a month ago. She seems happy with her new husband in their wedded domestic financially secure bliss. One day a few months ago (I am thinking it must have been in June/July) I got a sudden flash that my cousin was pregnant. It was the strangest thing - just like that bloop! Into my mind like a water filled balloon. I questioned myself as to where that strange insight came, but after years of things like this happening to me, I don't try anymore. I think that I am gifted with a heightened sense of perception, can perhaps tune into other people's energy wavelengths easier than most, but as I said before, it's not the first time it happened.
I let the thoughts pass - another random mind hic-up, and went about my merry way (probably, stressing - as usual...)
Today, my mom calls me - and before I even got a chance to lift the receiver to my ear she said:Did you hear the big news? Your cousin is pregnant!!
It was an AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! Moment. I knew it!! I knew it !!
Perplexed, she asked: oh, she told you already?
She also knows that I have that proclivity for sensing the 'unusual and unseen'.
Turns out that my timing was correct. She said she was two months, but mentioned that she was due in April (LOL! She is going to have her hands full with an Aries child!! LOL). So I am going to be an Auntie. Not that I will see my niece often, but I just throughout it was cool.
now where was I?
Oh yea, knowing and doing...
The last time I took a solo trip was to Cuba in 2003. Now that was a life changer and I am so glad I went solo - spending time by yourself is such a beautiful thing! I have always felt that way - loved living on my own, but traveling was the next big step.
I laughed with a friend of mine the other day
HPK - you are going to LOVE NEW YORK! You will never want to come back!
I think that my head is going to explode the moment I get off the buss.
The visual that accompanied those words was enough to make us snort like two sows in a rainstorm.
I can just see you, with your curly red hair - and then BOOM! All over the place.
I had to admit, it would have been kind of funny, but I think I'll just get off the buss and walk around with my jaw dragging on the floor behind me. I think I will be so stunned, I will be able to carry my luggage inside of my mouth...
So the place looks quaint: The Virginia Guest house.
All I can say is as long as there are no bed bugs, I am a happy camper.
So the thought of sinking $2000 into a camera is making me nervous.
But I will unwind in front of the TV tonight and watch some Law and Order and leave the stress behind for a little while...
Sunday, October 02, 2005
Living with Fear
In a few weeks, I will be going to New York for the first time in my life. SOme of my photos are part of an exhibition in Harlem along with my other flickr friends. I am so excited but at the same time, full of fear. Today, I came across this passage - and how appropriate it was shook me to the core, but at the same time, was the pefect preperation for this life changing trip I am about to embark on. It's a bit of a read, but it is worth it.
Living with Fear
Time and again I realize I often live in a reality that has
little correlation to the current circumstances of my life.
It is a lovely spring morning,
And I sit by my window watching buds of pink and blue hyacinths burst into bloom.
The scene so stunning I feel like I'm watching slow motion photography
on The Discovery Channel!
Yet for some reason I feel depressed and ill at ease,
Even though my life is basically working well.
At another time and place, On a crisp winter evening,
With a full moon shining brightly.
Everything fine on the surface,
But underneath,
Subterranean, I find myself quite anxious and unsettled.
Feeling like something terrible is just beginning to happen,
And it's only going to get worse.
This sense of impending doom,
Unrelated to the current circumstances of my life.
It's as if the cells of my body remember
something terrible that my rational mind has long forgotten.
When I am incapable of reaching a place of serenity,
A place of sanity,I feel great pain.
My roller coaster emotional state has imposed a mood in me for so long,
That feeling "wrong" feels "right" to me.
I fail to understand my turmoil as a default habit pattern,
That repeats itself over and over again,
Like the "Welcome!" message on my telephone answering machine.
I DO understand rationally that the madness I sometimes feel,
Has a negative impact on the events and relationships that transpire in my life.
And yet I often don't know how to feel differently.
I know of no method to rationally change my deep feeling
of impending doom when it suddenly explodes within me.
Such crazy feelings are not something "I" want.
My riotous emotions burst into bloom,
According to a calendar that I know nothing about.
My feelings have seasons that make absolutely no sense to me.
Even though I've been destabilized by my emotions for many years,
It is only recently that I have come to clearly recognize,
Fear has been living inside me.
Influencing so much of what I do,
How I think.
How I feel.
Like a childhood bully who tells you he will kick your butt
unless you give him what he wants,
And you believe him,
So you give him,
Your peace of mind.
Your sense of self.
Your dreams for your future.
And yet wondrously,
Through all of the madness,
I didn't know how to give up.
I didn't know how to fully give in.
I persevered in my suffering.
Many times I heard a voice inside me say "You can beat me,
but you can never own my soul!"
And somehow being able to say this and truly believe this,
Kept me alive.
Kept me in the struggle.
Now, when I muster the presence to stay in the moment with my sense of desperation,
I understand fear to be a guest,
And I have the right and the power,
To ask it to either quiet down, or leave.
When I am fully present in the world and with myself,
I understand that fear can be an important ally at times.
A signal to be heeded.
Yet so important to not let it drown out the rest of what life is communicating.
The rest of what life has to offer.
Recently, with a sense of great relief,
I can report there are now times when for a few minutes,
I experience a deep feeling of calmness.
And even if such feelings have yet to last,
The taste and smell of these experiences linger.
The weight and balance of my memories shift.
I sit quietly,
Breathe deeply,
And look at my alter,
Or out onto the world,
And know that everything is truly just as it should be.
I have been living under the spell of a blessing.
God has been with me from the very beginning.
I know that I have a rightful place in the world.
That my pain and suffering have been righteous,
I stayed the course,
Without giving up what I believe in.
The sanctity of my soul.
The sanctity of every soul.
Lately, I am able to console the frightened little boy, who lives inside me,
By letting him know there is nothing "real" about fear.
It's an illusion that appears when we feel separate, alone, and alienated.
The presence of fear, signaling the absence of love and protection.
The absence of the realization of God.
I help my little boy understand that it is in being together,
That we make everything OK.
Together, the little boy and I come to understand
we are capable of facing whatever might come.
Together,
We actually look forward to life's many challenges.
Together,
We become curious about how we will face death.
Together,
We feel our clear connection to God, and Life, and Hope.
Together.
Living with Fear
Time and again I realize I often live in a reality that has
little correlation to the current circumstances of my life.
It is a lovely spring morning,
And I sit by my window watching buds of pink and blue hyacinths burst into bloom.
The scene so stunning I feel like I'm watching slow motion photography
on The Discovery Channel!
Yet for some reason I feel depressed and ill at ease,
Even though my life is basically working well.
At another time and place, On a crisp winter evening,
With a full moon shining brightly.
Everything fine on the surface,
But underneath,
Subterranean, I find myself quite anxious and unsettled.
Feeling like something terrible is just beginning to happen,
And it's only going to get worse.
This sense of impending doom,
Unrelated to the current circumstances of my life.
It's as if the cells of my body remember
something terrible that my rational mind has long forgotten.
When I am incapable of reaching a place of serenity,
A place of sanity,I feel great pain.
My roller coaster emotional state has imposed a mood in me for so long,
That feeling "wrong" feels "right" to me.
I fail to understand my turmoil as a default habit pattern,
That repeats itself over and over again,
Like the "Welcome!" message on my telephone answering machine.
I DO understand rationally that the madness I sometimes feel,
Has a negative impact on the events and relationships that transpire in my life.
And yet I often don't know how to feel differently.
I know of no method to rationally change my deep feeling
of impending doom when it suddenly explodes within me.
Such crazy feelings are not something "I" want.
My riotous emotions burst into bloom,
According to a calendar that I know nothing about.
My feelings have seasons that make absolutely no sense to me.
Even though I've been destabilized by my emotions for many years,
It is only recently that I have come to clearly recognize,
Fear has been living inside me.
Influencing so much of what I do,
How I think.
How I feel.
Like a childhood bully who tells you he will kick your butt
unless you give him what he wants,
And you believe him,
So you give him,
Your peace of mind.
Your sense of self.
Your dreams for your future.
And yet wondrously,
Through all of the madness,
I didn't know how to give up.
I didn't know how to fully give in.
I persevered in my suffering.
Many times I heard a voice inside me say "You can beat me,
but you can never own my soul!"
And somehow being able to say this and truly believe this,
Kept me alive.
Kept me in the struggle.
Now, when I muster the presence to stay in the moment with my sense of desperation,
I understand fear to be a guest,
And I have the right and the power,
To ask it to either quiet down, or leave.
When I am fully present in the world and with myself,
I understand that fear can be an important ally at times.
A signal to be heeded.
Yet so important to not let it drown out the rest of what life is communicating.
The rest of what life has to offer.
Recently, with a sense of great relief,
I can report there are now times when for a few minutes,
I experience a deep feeling of calmness.
And even if such feelings have yet to last,
The taste and smell of these experiences linger.
The weight and balance of my memories shift.
I sit quietly,
Breathe deeply,
And look at my alter,
Or out onto the world,
And know that everything is truly just as it should be.
I have been living under the spell of a blessing.
God has been with me from the very beginning.
I know that I have a rightful place in the world.
That my pain and suffering have been righteous,
I stayed the course,
Without giving up what I believe in.
The sanctity of my soul.
The sanctity of every soul.
Lately, I am able to console the frightened little boy, who lives inside me,
By letting him know there is nothing "real" about fear.
It's an illusion that appears when we feel separate, alone, and alienated.
The presence of fear, signaling the absence of love and protection.
The absence of the realization of God.
I help my little boy understand that it is in being together,
That we make everything OK.
Together, the little boy and I come to understand
we are capable of facing whatever might come.
Together,
We actually look forward to life's many challenges.
Together,
We become curious about how we will face death.
Together,
We feel our clear connection to God, and Life, and Hope.
Together.
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