the power of intention and other wonderful things...

I've been listening to Dr. Wayne Dyer - downloaded 30 podcasts over the past few days. Been forcing myself to get into the habit of joining him at least once a day. Day 2 and I already feel different.

Perhaps it's just the pms monster talking; the melancholy mushy wushy/sob at the drop of a cookie/everything is all about the drama mode, or perhaps what he is saying is making perfect sense.

Mom is coming to pick me up soon - figures. Just when I'm having an inspiration bout of non-fictional diarrhea...


what I've learned so far:
trust your instincts - since you are connected to God, all the information that you intercept is from him.

We are connected to the source: The source is a divine energy that existed before anything really existed. We are all energy - molecular particles in motion = energy. Everything is energy.

Another interesting thing he mentioned - to paraphrase:
We are all energy. Our eyes and brains are calibrated to see the world around us as solid. To see this energy as a tangible thing. Sound is energy at a higher level. Light is an even higher energy. The source is the highest energy of all.

One woman called to talk about her son - 18 and committed suicide. The last year of his life he was diagnosed as schizophrenic.
These people are the only ones on this earth that are closer to God than any of us.

and it hit me
I remember before my breakdown, it was if I had superpowers of perception. All my senses were uber sharp, almost too sharp. It seems as if I didn't have the proper faculties to process all that information. Everything around me vibrated and hummed. Even the buildings, streets. Noise had a different essence - touched my ears and brain in a different way. Spiritual things began to make sense: principles of enlightenment, re-birth, karma. The mysterious spirtial fog of ancient religious writings and teaching began to open up my consciousness. Aside from the moments of sheer panic that the world was going to end, or that I'd be killed, I felt privy to many mini "zen" moments of peace and understanding.

What was going on?
My mind went into 5th gear and out of control... (quote from my film Clair Obscure)

perhaps my guard was down.
Perhaps I had thrown all understanding of the world around me out the window because the world I knew didn't exist in anymore inside my tormented state of mind.

what does it all mean?

I came through it with more questions than answers.
Perhaps though my journey to make this documentary/exhibit about using photography, self-portraiture as a tool for healing may contain the answers I was looking for.

or
Perhaps there aren't any answers, just more question, but maybe with time, we can understand that they are not meant to be solved, just contemplated upon. Move into a state of grace and awe over this thing called life.



or bla bla bla.


in a week from now I'll look at this and say to myself: what a load of horseshit!

or maybe not.

hopefully it will all begin to make sense.