door closed, window open

a day after the roller-coaster ride.
Shit. I am so completely exhausted. I was so exhausted last night that i could not sleep. And when I did finally manage to keep my mind and eyes from ricocheting off the walls and inside my head, whatever brief somnambulist respite was quickly transformed into a rabid marching band of chaos and cacophony.

I woke up, heaving and sobbing - sleep sobbing perhaps? it was strange. I had been crying in my dream, but it seemed as if the tear ducts had shut down and only the lungs and nervous system were in high sorrow/anger gear. Of course, what was going on was a direct reflexion on what i had been feeling all day - a sense of utter and sheer disappointment about the behavior of two so called "friends" who showed absolutely no sign of compassion or interest in my or most important of all, my mom's situation/diagnosis. Nothing. No phone call, no email. No signs of life. They were too busy gazing into their own butt holes to notice that the world around had kept on spinning.

I had been dumped - a series of "fuck yous" over the past 3 months. First, my head shrinker, who mysteriously fell into oblivion after my desperate plea for help email. He did, in fact, receive my phone messages because he called my pharmacy for a  new prescription two weeks ago. Perhaps a phone call to me was too complicated because it involved being human and actually listening to me and not giving medical information to a voice recognition automated telephone computer system...

then the other girl i met from the climate change thing. We got along famously, and I was all excited that i had a new friend (how girly kiddy is that?), soon to be followed by a "flush and dash" email. "You're really nice, but you have too much shit going on in your life right now that I can't and don't want to handle."

But all things considered, and in the light of what has happened with all the other "So called friends who care" in my life, that was an act of honesty that i really did appreciate. It takes guts to be honest these days, and to do so tactfully (she did apologize because she said that I "seemed like a really wonderful and fantastic person, but that the timing was all wrong..." was honorable. She does not lose brownie points for that, but rejection always hurts.

Then there was captain dad who erased my comment on fb without explanation (there really needed no explanation - actions here spoke louder than pokes) leaving me confused and deflated.

Then there was my so called friend of a million years. In retrospect, E said that all was wonderful on the friendship front when her marriage was falling apart, she miscarried several times, she was stumbling through difficult project and needed somebody's shoulder to cry on. Well, guess who exposed their broad scapula? But when she got married again, her 1st project was met with critical acclaim, she had a child and her latest project immediately began to bloom, i was only worth, at best, a three word email reply to a long one I had initiated.

A few days ago I had sent a sad email - reaching out for her support, and to be included in this "group" which, by definition, was broad in interest by definition, and asked to keep me and mom in her prayers, she replied unsympathetically and unapologetically barring me from her "club meetings" and then proceeded to flip the coin by saying: "but you can come to my other party" and "I gotta go because my child had figured out a way to use potty time to manipulate a shift in her bed time" so eloquently followed by "thumbs crossed" in relation to my mom's next day doctor's appointment.

thumbs crossed?

whatever.

But the general tone surprised, hurt and offended me.

The next day, I got nothing. No email. No Text message asking how things were going. Nada. It's not like SHE DIDN'T KNOW. She did very well, and in the past, was quite concerned about this mother and daughter duo, but I guess that compassion or concern was too much to ask at this point. Mrs. Superstar with the model husband, perfect child and stellar career on the rise.

flush and dash

then came my so called other friend whom I have done countless projects with, and have done countless favors for. I lent him my camera, which he broke into a million pieces (lens and body), has yet to pay for it, and most recently, introduced him to a new friend of mine who was instantly smitten by him and his work (rightly so, he is a mad genius) and has promised and was absolutely delighted to work with him in the future, did not get so much as a "thank you for putting me in touch with this person. I really appreciated you taking the time to put in a good word for me."

Nothing.

I was crushed. Felt like a chaperone the whole meeting. It really was supposed to be about us working as a team, but when that project fell through, my talent as a photographer and cinematographer was instantaneously dismissed and i literally faded into the woodwork as the conversation focused entirely on him.

awkward.

I had previously asked him to watermark my images when he put them on his site. He had previously agreed. But when i asked the question again that same day of our (well, HIS) meeting, he aggressively refused.

and it's not like he didn't know about my mother's appointment. I'm sorry, but not even a facebook message (which he seems to only communicate by these days). Nothing. No follow up, no fb poke. Nothing.

I was thoroughly disgusted.
There was no excuse for this. And I am considering cutting ties with all of the above. Why do i even bother to help these people out when they blindly walk all over me when on the flipside, i would shit down my own throat for them.

I'm too nice, gullible, honest, kind, weak, stupid.

but i can spend time beating myself up for my lack of spine, or i can acknowledge that i am a kind heart who cares, perhaps a little too much. But that is who I am. I have never asked for anything other than a little compassion and common courtesy.

And it seems that even that is too much to ask for from these people these days.

Dad - I have removed you as a contact from my fb account. It just hurt to much to know and not know what you were doing, and having you blatantly ignore me was more than i could handle.

that was a difficult task, but had to be done.
Next on the chopping block - ms. perfect I don't give a fuck about anybody except myself.

a short concise email - you are a bully. I have been afraid of hurting you. You are cold and don't blame your nordic ancestry for your lack of compassion and genetic disposition to be "reserved". No excuses. I was always there for you, without any restrictions. If the shoe had been on the other foot, I would have offered to come with you for support with your mother had you needed me. Without blinking, without wanting anything in return other than your friendship. You obviously have more important things in your life and our friendship is not one of them. You hurt me more than you know, and your blatant self centeredness in the light of somebody you "supposedly called a friend" to not even call to see what the results were is disturbingly disgusting and deeply selfish.

Have a nice life in your perfect little world.
When your world falls apart, and I'm sure it will one day, don't look for me. I won't even cross my thumbs or toes for you.

and lastly - my so called friend for the past 20 years. Yea, your life is shit, and you live at home at 40, people in the art community are trying to sabotage your career because you are the best and they don't like competition, but you know what?

Is your mother fighting cancer?

Do you have to live a gut wrenching week before her diagnosis to see whether she will live or die?

Do you have to deal with medications that are supposed to keep you from cycling out of mental control but barely keep you from killing yourself?

I didn't' think so. And what have you done for me?

Did you lend me computer/camera equipment you needed, borrowed it for two years, then gave it back to me broken?

Did you put me onto the right people with money and interest who are now falling at your feet to work with you?

I never saw that happen, not even anything remotely close to it. Well, my so called friend, a major overhaul about the definition of our friendship is on order. It's a two way street, not a one way racetrack where my back is the asphalt you burn your tire tracks into.

so shape up, wake up and realize that your friend is a true friend but who will not be trampled upon anymore. I loved and accepted you without conditions, but i need to put some game rules down. I have to look out for myself now.

Perhaps that is why I have been so sick as of late. Other people always come first. I'm always the last to help myself, if at all.

no more...

but then, a door closes and God opens up a window.

an old dear friend who i had a deep soul connection with moved down the east coast. We lost touch, but she came to my wedding. Well, we never really lost touch as the bond was always there, but on a spatial level, we were miles apart.

I emailed her a little desperate letter, telling her how much i missed her company and companionship. She emailed me back the next day, telling me the same. Welcoming me into her home any time i was nearby, and was keeping me and my mom in her prayers.

That was a blessing.

I got a phone call from a man who is now the manager of a huge 3000 sq. feet retail store affiliated with a festival I was a part of many years ago. He absolutely wants me to be a part of this year's festival and called to tell me to get my butt into gear and ship him some stuff. Without conditions. Open acceptance. Happy to know me and still hangs a (now framed) thank you card that i had sent him almost 4 years ago on his wall. "I see it everyday when i walk by".

That is a blessing.

The art festival in Morocco that invited me to show at their event, waived the 150$ per piece entry fee/promotion costs so I could still be a part of their festival. "I am an artist too, and know how difficult being an artist is. It is something i can do for you gladly. Welcome to our festival - for free!"

that was a truly a gift

and the gallery owner in NYC who believed in my art so completely, and who i was afraid I had lost contact with forever because i became sidelined with my mom and own health and did not have the time or energy to nurture that relationship replied to my email today. He came down with H1N1 flu, had been on his own personal hellish path and told me to "not be too hard" on myself and said that he was thinking about me and my mom, and that we would definitely talk soon.

a relief and a gift

and of course, the biggest one being my mom's clear diagnosis. NED. In the end, that is all that really matters. Love,  life and health of a loved one. Being surrounded by the people I love and who truly love me. E who is so incredible and supportive as a man and husband, my cousin 1000 miles away that still calls me "big HPK", and my mom. My beautiful wonderful courageous inspirational mom.

clean bill of health, new beginnings, fresh starts and an an open window.

Let the stale air out and let the sunshine in.

:-)