fold and hold

i'm really quite exasperated today...

maybe i hope too much, maybe i wish for things to much.

I was never really good at waiting for xmas to open presents, was always the first to peek. Became a wiz at re-taping boxes after they were open.

but today, a meeting which i had hoped would open up doors for me, opened up doors for somebody else. Which is fine actually. I'm a quite happy that i was able to help them out, but one project that we were supposed to work together on got postponed (in my mind, indefinitely), but it seems there is a much greater interest in their work instead of mine. Which in reality, one part of me is extremely excited because their work needs to see the light of day because it has been a long time coming, but on the other hand, i feel deflated, defeated and discouraged.

"oh well" i say with a smile.

Chin up, big grin, move along.

but sleeplessness is slowly chipping away at my resolve to keep at this.

And one final kick...
a friend (level of friendship now in question) had a general invite on fb, but in what seemed to be a chipper email was just a notification to say: "this meeting is only for these people involved in this kind of project. No exceptions". 

well...

okay, and how are you doing today?
Hmm, guess what? my mom will find out if this cancer is going to spread to the rest of her body on Friday and i'm slowly loosing my mind and feeling more and more isolated from the world around me and the people who (or say they) love me.

and thanks for the notification that i am not part and will absolutely not be a part of your social club...

whatever..

oh well...

I look at the photo of me and my mom in the limo on my wedding day and so desperately wish that I could turn back the hands of time to that one moment when everything was perfect, soak it all in again, because now, in retrospect, i wish I did and could have for a lot longer...

it's sad and ironic, that 5 years ago when I started this blog, my life was a play waiting to happen. Literally. So many things happened - the good overshadowed the bad. There was magic. Now there is none left.

you got one more shot universe.
if I don't get something happening soon, i am seriously throwing away my fucken camera off the tallest building in the city. No excuses this time.

and if you really fuck up, i might just follow my camera on the way down...