what i am, what i am not

Today, I feel fragile and worn.

Despite the wonderful news that I was 3rd place winner at the Art Festival in the Ukraine. Pretty damn impressive for something that i was not even going to enter.

They found me.
They liked my stuff.

I am a photographer.


Got another email from an arts company in NYC. They seem like a "vanity agent" - pay us 1000$ and we will put you in our arts magazine. I wrote to Bob in NYC. He's the man in the know and i know he has my back. I will wait on his advice before moving in on this offer.

I am not (that) gullible.

While posting my last batch of images on flickr, i found myself editing each shot. Don't put this one, it's not flattering. Don't add that one, your stomach looks like a soggy bunched up sheet of flesh. This one is too dark, too much grain and the blacks look muddy. Judgment is my biggest enemy.

I am a perfectionist.

A link from a fellow flickr self portrait artist threw the monkey wrench in my "best laid plans for accepting myself". It's 3am and still not sleepy. More wired than anything else, and when i'm wired, the buzzards swoop down into my grey matter and pluck at the veins that feed blood to my brain.

I'm not accepting sleep as an option.

E said that this latest series is one of my best. Sam on flickr also said the same thing: "You have reached a pinnacle of sort with your art". Wow. That is very cool. I am very happy.

I am learning to accept compliments.

So best laid plans led astray. Best intentions run amok. Self image out the window. The girl must not be more than 21. Her body, svelte, skin taut across her flat belly and perky breasts. No droop or stretch here. She was interviewed in a magazine that is an erotica online one. Very tasteful, but catering and by the under 30 group. Mostly women in this issue. And she is one of them. Her photographs are pretty. Moody lighting, sensual poses and come hither expressions. I'm jealous of her beauty, her youth, her ability to have the self confidence to show herself so boldly. What happened to me?

I am not jealous.

I am lying to myself.

What happened? Life happened. Cancer happened. Death happened. Mental illness happened. Why would a gallery owner in the heart of the New York City gallery district believe so completely in my self portraits? Because they are real. Not plastic, not fake, not perfectly staged. This must be my mantra. Realization of what the most important things in life are. I longed to be in his gallery, and two years ago, i marched on in with nothing but my big city set of balls and a few prints. That was good.

I am learning to take what is important and make that more important than the unimportant stuff.

I will not stop photographing myself.

I will become more forgiving of myself.

I will unconditionally love myself as i am.

I will not let them get me down.

what i am and what i am not
what i will and will not do




...

fold and hold

i'm really quite exasperated today...

maybe i hope too much, maybe i wish for things to much.

I was never really good at waiting for xmas to open presents, was always the first to peek. Became a wiz at re-taping boxes after they were open.

but today, a meeting which i had hoped would open up doors for me, opened up doors for somebody else. Which is fine actually. I'm a quite happy that i was able to help them out, but one project that we were supposed to work together on got postponed (in my mind, indefinitely), but it seems there is a much greater interest in their work instead of mine. Which in reality, one part of me is extremely excited because their work needs to see the light of day because it has been a long time coming, but on the other hand, i feel deflated, defeated and discouraged.

"oh well" i say with a smile.

Chin up, big grin, move along.

but sleeplessness is slowly chipping away at my resolve to keep at this.

And one final kick...
a friend (level of friendship now in question) had a general invite on fb, but in what seemed to be a chipper email was just a notification to say: "this meeting is only for these people involved in this kind of project. No exceptions". 

well...

okay, and how are you doing today?
Hmm, guess what? my mom will find out if this cancer is going to spread to the rest of her body on Friday and i'm slowly loosing my mind and feeling more and more isolated from the world around me and the people who (or say they) love me.

and thanks for the notification that i am not part and will absolutely not be a part of your social club...

whatever..

oh well...

I look at the photo of me and my mom in the limo on my wedding day and so desperately wish that I could turn back the hands of time to that one moment when everything was perfect, soak it all in again, because now, in retrospect, i wish I did and could have for a lot longer...

it's sad and ironic, that 5 years ago when I started this blog, my life was a play waiting to happen. Literally. So many things happened - the good overshadowed the bad. There was magic. Now there is none left.

you got one more shot universe.
if I don't get something happening soon, i am seriously throwing away my fucken camera off the tallest building in the city. No excuses this time.

and if you really fuck up, i might just follow my camera on the way down...

5am...

just finished a marathon photo correction session.

The Japanese client job went well. Lots of work in that one, but I'm tracking the UPS shipments to Atlanta and Japan. 4:15am, they left Louisville Kentucky and are on their way to their final destination.

Yesterday, or was it the day before? Gah, i don't even remember, I had another job. A friend actually. Her magazine turned 10 and her regular photographer canceled. So I came to the rescue. But that also meant lots of photoshop work to follow.

It's 5am and i just finished the whole thing.

I needed to finish it. Feel like something bigger is coming my way and need to free up some creative time.

Speaking of creative, nah, this first...

I was thinking to myself: I need to find a good astrologer in the city. I need to find out what the planets have in store for me. I need to be prepared, find guidance and stable footing. Need to get a path, so that way i can try to walk a straight line with some purpose and level of determination.

Well, guess what? I was taking my walk to send my packaged and along the way i see this little sign - astrology, and vhitu and feng shui. Wild.

On my way back i knock on the door. A little round indian lady with henna stained hands smiled when she saw me.

"Yes, can i help you?"

Asked her about the astrology, apparently it's her husband who does it. She disappeared into the invisible curtain of curry that separated me from her world and came back with a colorful card. Vishnu dancing next to a cell phone number.

"It's very busy now. U will call to make an appointment?"

"Yes indeed. How much does your husband charge?"

"Ohh that depends. Best you call him."

and so i will today, or whenever i plan to get up if i do decide to fall asleep now.

Rain on my window and david sylvian on the itunes.

He always makes me think of rain.

prep

on saturday, i will take on a very high profile shoot. Needless to say, i'm nervous as hell.

Checking my equipment and realizing that i am missing some things is getting me a little rattled. But I must sleep, so i will leave the camera bags, cables, lenses where they are and deal with it 2mrw.

I got some wonderful news today. Max Ryan is going to be in the new Sex and the City movie!! I'm so very happy for this wonderful man. He was a dream to work with, and made me think of "old school hollywood actors" - utterly professional, kind, and warm.

I posted some stuff on flickr, and facebook but shamelessly added my watermark cause i know that the net can be an evil monkey when it comes to plagiarizing images. Has happened to me in the past. I know it will happen again. Time to prevent it.

but it's funny, this shoot came at a point in my life when i was ready to throw away my camera for good. I was all tapped out, but this saved me.

Perhaps shooting Japanese businessmen for a medical journal will be my saving grace...

kiss me you fool...

Originally uploaded by ondiraiduveau