fat, old and ugly

e and I went out for dinner - actually had a nice evening
came back home and there was this couple in their late 40's - early 50's who were making out on a car in front of the house like two kids. She had him pinned against the passenger door, he was shorter but as stout, and they cooed like too horny pigeons.

"ah, get a room" I said out of earshot.
"they don't look like they are newlyweds, and probably not married to eachother"
I've seen infidelity - first hand with my father and his girlfriend during their early years and this was exactly what it looked like.

E replied: "if I wanted to see two fat, old and ugly people making out, i would just have to look into the mirror".

silence


I almost flipped, but was too stunned to speak

"and what in the fucken hell do you mean by that?"

pause

"I was only speaking about myself"

pause

"oh thank you so very much."

silence


???

"I was talking about myself, I put on 8 pounds in 8 weeks"
" well, I've not been to the gym in two weeks and have put on 8 pounds since then - so...?"

pause

"and old, well there's nothing we can do about that"

silence

"I didn't mean it that way"

sure you didn't...
In every sarcastic remark lies a grain of truth.

and it's bad enough that I'm having (and have had for most of my life) issues about my body, skin losing its elasticity, fine lines turning into deep crevices and over all time flying by faster than the speed of light, i now had to hear this from the man who is supposed to love me?

nice

thank you very fucken much

now I'm off to poke at the rolling layers of old skin hanging from my sagging breasts and imagine what they would look like if I sucked all this slovenly fat from my abdomen into these puppies who should be put down very soon

5am...

just finished a marathon photo correction session.

The Japanese client job went well. Lots of work in that one, but I'm tracking the UPS shipments to Atlanta and Japan. 4:15am, they left Louisville Kentucky and are on their way to their final destination.

Yesterday, or was it the day before? Gah, i don't even remember, I had another job. A friend actually. Her magazine turned 10 and her regular photographer canceled. So I came to the rescue. But that also meant lots of photoshop work to follow.

It's 5am and i just finished the whole thing.

I needed to finish it. Feel like something bigger is coming my way and need to free up some creative time.

Speaking of creative, nah, this first...

I was thinking to myself: I need to find a good astrologer in the city. I need to find out what the planets have in store for me. I need to be prepared, find guidance and stable footing. Need to get a path, so that way i can try to walk a straight line with some purpose and level of determination.

Well, guess what? I was taking my walk to send my packaged and along the way i see this little sign - astrology, and vhitu and feng shui. Wild.

On my way back i knock on the door. A little round indian lady with henna stained hands smiled when she saw me.

"Yes, can i help you?"

Asked her about the astrology, apparently it's her husband who does it. She disappeared into the invisible curtain of curry that separated me from her world and came back with a colorful card. Vishnu dancing next to a cell phone number.

"It's very busy now. U will call to make an appointment?"

"Yes indeed. How much does your husband charge?"

"Ohh that depends. Best you call him."

and so i will today, or whenever i plan to get up if i do decide to fall asleep now.

Rain on my window and david sylvian on the itunes.

He always makes me think of rain.

when it all comes together sometimes...

today, i had planned to see an art expo. An old friend of mine now has a gallery (and oddly enough, a few doors down from the last amazing show I saw last week, and even more bizarre, in the same spot where i worked in a photography gallery almost 10 years ago. Weird..) and had contacted him about stopping by.

When i looked to see who the artist was, i was blown away. Dita Kubin - a brilliant beautiful photographer who's show was all about self portraits. Well, i was not ready for what i would see that night. It was one of the most pleasant life path affirming surprised i had in a long time.

Well, not so long ago.

This morning while waiting for my doctor, i picked up the august edition of Vogue that was just lying around. I flipped through the pages of the "powerful women over 40" issue and said to myself: "yea, if that were only me..."

but what really blew me away, in the light of the whole "self portrait" bender i have been on, telling everybody who will listen that i am re-igniting my pilot light for my documentary about self portraiture, i flip to the center of the mag, past Christy Turlington who looks sinfully beautiful at 41, to the women of 50; and low and behold, a glorious shot of the queen of self portraiture. SImply put - my inspiration, and who got me into this s.p kick - Cindy Sherman.

I almost fell onto the floor.

The whole article talked about how now that she's 55 (she looks like she's 30), the way she is approaching self portraiture is different because she has aged and matured. Giving a new angle to the many visages she steps into. I felt relieved and rejuvenated simultaneously.

It's as if i had asked the universe: "where the fuck am i going with this stuff? Where should i even begin to look!?" and there, as plain as day and as black and white on the pages of this magazine, the woman who moved me so completely that it changed the course of my photography forever. Cindy Sherman.

wow.

Talk about synchronicity.

And the week before, just happened to receive an email about 2Fik's show, without knowing that he was also a self portrait artist, and also today, seeing that my photo that i submitted to "Book about death" had made it onto facebook.

I know, some people might be saying: "n'ya. Small beans that facebook..." but I am #400 in the entries - out of 500. I like round numbers...

but still.

I feel good.

and despite the next little march up the hill of ill health and uncertainty (mom starts her methotrexate, which she is dreading like the plague, and then my switch/upping of my anti depressants, it can start to get ugly and insane; but something is being laid down in the big law of the universe. Soon, this path, a dirt road, will find the materials it needs to become paved.

one stretch of road at a time.

At least now, I know that other people are waiting to go somewhere on it.

If i build it, they will come.

one scoop of asphalt at a time.