fat, old and ugly

e and I went out for dinner - actually had a nice evening
came back home and there was this couple in their late 40's - early 50's who were making out on a car in front of the house like two kids. She had him pinned against the passenger door, he was shorter but as stout, and they cooed like too horny pigeons.

"ah, get a room" I said out of earshot.
"they don't look like they are newlyweds, and probably not married to eachother"
I've seen infidelity - first hand with my father and his girlfriend during their early years and this was exactly what it looked like.

E replied: "if I wanted to see two fat, old and ugly people making out, i would just have to look into the mirror".

silence


I almost flipped, but was too stunned to speak

"and what in the fucken hell do you mean by that?"

pause

"I was only speaking about myself"

pause

"oh thank you so very much."

silence


???

"I was talking about myself, I put on 8 pounds in 8 weeks"
" well, I've not been to the gym in two weeks and have put on 8 pounds since then - so...?"

pause

"and old, well there's nothing we can do about that"

silence

"I didn't mean it that way"

sure you didn't...
In every sarcastic remark lies a grain of truth.

and it's bad enough that I'm having (and have had for most of my life) issues about my body, skin losing its elasticity, fine lines turning into deep crevices and over all time flying by faster than the speed of light, i now had to hear this from the man who is supposed to love me?

nice

thank you very fucken much

now I'm off to poke at the rolling layers of old skin hanging from my sagging breasts and imagine what they would look like if I sucked all this slovenly fat from my abdomen into these puppies who should be put down very soon

the final emails

so i did it.
Sent out my final emails to all three people in question.
It's 3am and i'm winding down. Finally.


went to mom's for an after dinner visit. My new galpal called and left me a message, wanted to know how things went.

I mean, really? How wonderful is that?
she called just because she wanted to let me know that she was there if i needed her. 

Well, i called, gave her the good news and told her that the feeling was mutual.
When I'm a friend, there are no conditions - except that you respect me because i respect you.

i was so moved that i was moved to write my email to my ex galpal to ask why she could not so much as send me a little text message. 3 little words - are you okay?

it was not brain surgery...


Long email to (ex?)girlfriend.

Done.

Asked questions - why? But honestly, I don't think i'll get any answers that I will like, but tried my best to not sound preachy, or accusatory (but when somebody does not call to know how your mother is in the light of our situation, how can you not accuse them of being insensitive?)

that was a huge endeavor, lots of weeping and anger, but it's all out now.


Worked on dad's email. Surprisingly enough, did not blubber through that one, but was more focused and determined to get my point across logically and in a concise and clear manner.  I guess there were no waves of tears because this ending was a long time coming. The disappointment had been forming a callus over the sore for decades. His reaction to the whole wedding debacle was outrageous. But i had to ask him the last question: do you want me in your life or not?

so that was sent to e for revisions in the morning.

3:12am

urgh. Need sleep. Will stop after this next paragraph...

and last but not least - an email to my other friend A. Told him that i wasn't attacking him (as many of us artsies so often feel when people confront us) but i was just disappointed and wanted to know why he didn't even call. not even a stupid facebook poke (i despise those things!!) and told him that i would go to the moon and back if he asked me, and even if he didn't but thought about it and wanted to, i would still go.

but that is me, and that was my email. With this one, i made sure that i left the lines of communication open and friendly (albeit disappointed, but still friendly).


done...

sent one last shout out to B in nyc. He's so cool. Told him that my mom was NED, and that i didn't want to leave him hanging without news (because my last email which i sent on Thursday was pretty bleak and despondent, on the verge of some kind of news, but at that point, seemed bleak, even though, in reality, now we know, that it wasn't).

And that was a good closing to my marathon email session. Ending off on a good note. Told him that i was so happy that i still had my little connection to nyc through him and the gang at the gallery.

At least someone cared, and that's what matters.
That there was someone.


my bed cares too, and i'm off to embrace it.

goodbye

it was about 6:30pm when she died - a heart attack. Quick and silent, and apparently, without pain. She was surrounded by the wonderful women at the nursing home where she stayed - her "home" away from home. She loved it there, and they all loved her. She was one of the most lucid people in the whole building.

I was asleep when e woke me up to tell me. 

I'm still in shock.

It was just a few days ago we were talking about what she was going to wear to my wedding.

she loved it when i did my impression of the greek woman in the house next to my mom's. 

she loved it when i laughed

she loved it when i sang "sing with heehaw vandoosh" - apparently vandoosh was a name I heard somebody say on the radio, and at 3 years old, you couldn't tell me that it was not a real word.

38 years later, it still made her laugh so very hard - we all did.

What a wonderful memory. One of many...

So very sad. I wanted nothing more than her to see me walk down the isle - her first granddaughter.

Goodbye Starenka.

Hopefully, you will find many vandooshes to sing to you in heaven and may the souvlaki and greek music fill your days with sunshine.

I will love you and miss you terribly.