ocd for u and me

Saw a doc today.
out of the university - will be part of a study program.
psychiatrists in training.

Doctor: "I run a tight ship. Everybody goes through rigorous training, and all meetings are reviewed with the supervisors who then give their notes on the following meetings with you. Don't worry. You will be getting the help that you need..."

She was so very nice.
i felt like she really understood me.

"I know this can't be easy, it impacts your life, keeps you from moving forward. We will be here to help you, help you find answers..."

They had a bipolar expert, PhD, MD on staff, but he is on sabbatical.
"But that's alright. We will find you a match - as close to perfect as we can..."

Huge sigh of relief.

I was on a waiting list since March 2010 for one other hospital.
"We will call you in July for an appointment for an assessment"

September rolls around. I call.
"It won't be before the end of October, but that does not guarantee you will get into the CBT clinic. Just so you know..."

Thank you. Not...

So at the other end of the city, my weekly commute will take almost an hour, but if i can be seen by somebody who cares, and perhaps, out of my misery and fucked up state of mind, will be able to care for somebody else who they will come across in their future practice who will have an equally fucked up state of mind, then all of this is a blessing.

Last night - restless. Bed bugs in my brain. Syphoning the logic out of every logical though, so that all was left was a infected irrational thought, poisoned, and throbbing, infected and disgusting.

Today, the sun alternating with the grey clouds kept me on my toes. Will it rain? Shall I dash for cover?
Oh, nope. The sun is coming out again.
Run into the light, bask in the warmth.

Walking out of the old world campus, tall turn of the century buildings standing like wise old professors over this young new pupil, head filled with glorious and grandiose ideas, silently guiding her along the path of self discovery and enlightenment.

***

I have my first swim lesson 2mrw.
Not so much a lesson as a perfection of techniques.
Want to feel efficient in the water again - a time when my strokes were effortless, poetic and fluid.

Looking forward to finding my equilibrium again, in the water and on land as well...

the final emails

so i did it.
Sent out my final emails to all three people in question.
It's 3am and i'm winding down. Finally.


went to mom's for an after dinner visit. My new galpal called and left me a message, wanted to know how things went.

I mean, really? How wonderful is that?
she called just because she wanted to let me know that she was there if i needed her. 

Well, i called, gave her the good news and told her that the feeling was mutual.
When I'm a friend, there are no conditions - except that you respect me because i respect you.

i was so moved that i was moved to write my email to my ex galpal to ask why she could not so much as send me a little text message. 3 little words - are you okay?

it was not brain surgery...


Long email to (ex?)girlfriend.

Done.

Asked questions - why? But honestly, I don't think i'll get any answers that I will like, but tried my best to not sound preachy, or accusatory (but when somebody does not call to know how your mother is in the light of our situation, how can you not accuse them of being insensitive?)

that was a huge endeavor, lots of weeping and anger, but it's all out now.


Worked on dad's email. Surprisingly enough, did not blubber through that one, but was more focused and determined to get my point across logically and in a concise and clear manner.  I guess there were no waves of tears because this ending was a long time coming. The disappointment had been forming a callus over the sore for decades. His reaction to the whole wedding debacle was outrageous. But i had to ask him the last question: do you want me in your life or not?

so that was sent to e for revisions in the morning.

3:12am

urgh. Need sleep. Will stop after this next paragraph...

and last but not least - an email to my other friend A. Told him that i wasn't attacking him (as many of us artsies so often feel when people confront us) but i was just disappointed and wanted to know why he didn't even call. not even a stupid facebook poke (i despise those things!!) and told him that i would go to the moon and back if he asked me, and even if he didn't but thought about it and wanted to, i would still go.

but that is me, and that was my email. With this one, i made sure that i left the lines of communication open and friendly (albeit disappointed, but still friendly).


done...

sent one last shout out to B in nyc. He's so cool. Told him that my mom was NED, and that i didn't want to leave him hanging without news (because my last email which i sent on Thursday was pretty bleak and despondent, on the verge of some kind of news, but at that point, seemed bleak, even though, in reality, now we know, that it wasn't).

And that was a good closing to my marathon email session. Ending off on a good note. Told him that i was so happy that i still had my little connection to nyc through him and the gang at the gallery.

At least someone cared, and that's what matters.
That there was someone.


my bed cares too, and i'm off to embrace it.