ocd for u and me

Saw a doc today.
out of the university - will be part of a study program.
psychiatrists in training.

Doctor: "I run a tight ship. Everybody goes through rigorous training, and all meetings are reviewed with the supervisors who then give their notes on the following meetings with you. Don't worry. You will be getting the help that you need..."

She was so very nice.
i felt like she really understood me.

"I know this can't be easy, it impacts your life, keeps you from moving forward. We will be here to help you, help you find answers..."

They had a bipolar expert, PhD, MD on staff, but he is on sabbatical.
"But that's alright. We will find you a match - as close to perfect as we can..."

Huge sigh of relief.

I was on a waiting list since March 2010 for one other hospital.
"We will call you in July for an appointment for an assessment"

September rolls around. I call.
"It won't be before the end of October, but that does not guarantee you will get into the CBT clinic. Just so you know..."

Thank you. Not...

So at the other end of the city, my weekly commute will take almost an hour, but if i can be seen by somebody who cares, and perhaps, out of my misery and fucked up state of mind, will be able to care for somebody else who they will come across in their future practice who will have an equally fucked up state of mind, then all of this is a blessing.

Last night - restless. Bed bugs in my brain. Syphoning the logic out of every logical though, so that all was left was a infected irrational thought, poisoned, and throbbing, infected and disgusting.

Today, the sun alternating with the grey clouds kept me on my toes. Will it rain? Shall I dash for cover?
Oh, nope. The sun is coming out again.
Run into the light, bask in the warmth.

Walking out of the old world campus, tall turn of the century buildings standing like wise old professors over this young new pupil, head filled with glorious and grandiose ideas, silently guiding her along the path of self discovery and enlightenment.

***

I have my first swim lesson 2mrw.
Not so much a lesson as a perfection of techniques.
Want to feel efficient in the water again - a time when my strokes were effortless, poetic and fluid.

Looking forward to finding my equilibrium again, in the water and on land as well...

tail end of a dream

I was in my house, but the whole layout was reversed.
I was preparing to receive people but was not looking forward to it. Worried that doors to my rooms would be open, things moved, private things examined.

I had to take the cats and put them in one of the rooms as well. Those poor things get so stressed out. Kineko pulls at the fur on his paw (they now look like two tree stumps) and Zoe, well she just gets miserable, sulks and hides.

The way to get their attention effortlessly is to open a can of cat food. No matter where they are, they will come running. And that's what I did. The can was smaller than normal, and the food, chunky and brown, looking almost like beef stew. Or was it really?

I picked up the dome litter box and was distraught because clumps of shit and pee that were hanging off the sides flew like frisbees across the room. My room.
Scavenger hunt later.

I heard chanting, a communal rumble. Outside was a sea of people, as far as the eye could see. Standing beneath my balcony who were all attending some political party rally. Would ALL these people be walking through my house as it had now been designated as "a refueling stop"?!

The organizer, a very tall svelte man in his 30's was at the craft table, making some coffee, orchestrating commands to people across the room. Worker bees hovering over mindless details.

"are all those people coming into my house?"
"is that a problem?"
"what the hell do you think?!"
"they will be respectful. I'll make sure of it. Just put a piece of paper with an 'x' on it so that they will no not to enter".


as if that's going to stop them...

So as I furiously x-ed pages and pages of blank paper, tacking them on the wall with a ream of scotch tape, the sea began to seep into my hallway.
"I can't just leave here, so I think i'll hire somebody to watch the doors. A full time security guard".

And as the air became more and more congested with sweaty bodies and noise, i felt weak and helpless. My house was being invaded by a heard of human elephants and all I could do was curl up into a ball, play dead and hope I would not get trampled to death...

a little blippy

feeling a little blippy

flipped out tonight over a silly little incidental thing. Went and ruined a wonderful supper that i am feeling horribly shitty about right now, but when the manic monster rips my head off and shits down my throat, only projectile sewage vomit spews forth.

It caught me off guard, literally. Before i knew it, small appliances and kitchen items were in flight around the room. Thankfully, the cats hid and so did E.

on the upside, i gave the litterboxes a super duper disinfecting/cleaning. Now kitties have two boxes to shit and stink up.

yummy.

hopefully i will shrink down back to normal size in a few hours, and for long enough to let me fit comfortably beneath the luxurious 400 thread count sheets mom picked up for me.

bleh.

blippy bonne nuit!