tail end of a dream

I was in my house, but the whole layout was reversed.
I was preparing to receive people but was not looking forward to it. Worried that doors to my rooms would be open, things moved, private things examined.

I had to take the cats and put them in one of the rooms as well. Those poor things get so stressed out. Kineko pulls at the fur on his paw (they now look like two tree stumps) and Zoe, well she just gets miserable, sulks and hides.

The way to get their attention effortlessly is to open a can of cat food. No matter where they are, they will come running. And that's what I did. The can was smaller than normal, and the food, chunky and brown, looking almost like beef stew. Or was it really?

I picked up the dome litter box and was distraught because clumps of shit and pee that were hanging off the sides flew like frisbees across the room. My room.
Scavenger hunt later.

I heard chanting, a communal rumble. Outside was a sea of people, as far as the eye could see. Standing beneath my balcony who were all attending some political party rally. Would ALL these people be walking through my house as it had now been designated as "a refueling stop"?!

The organizer, a very tall svelte man in his 30's was at the craft table, making some coffee, orchestrating commands to people across the room. Worker bees hovering over mindless details.

"are all those people coming into my house?"
"is that a problem?"
"what the hell do you think?!"
"they will be respectful. I'll make sure of it. Just put a piece of paper with an 'x' on it so that they will no not to enter".


as if that's going to stop them...

So as I furiously x-ed pages and pages of blank paper, tacking them on the wall with a ream of scotch tape, the sea began to seep into my hallway.
"I can't just leave here, so I think i'll hire somebody to watch the doors. A full time security guard".

And as the air became more and more congested with sweaty bodies and noise, i felt weak and helpless. My house was being invaded by a heard of human elephants and all I could do was curl up into a ball, play dead and hope I would not get trampled to death...

making it worse before it gets better

I once had a boss who was the epitome of a douchebag.
Seriously.

The day he decided to make my life a living hell was the day that the head surgeon/chair of the department joked to him while I was taking pictures at a 'chi-chi" event.

"Mark, you better be careful or this young lady is going to take your job soon!"

ha ha ha ha

laughs all around.

But it was true. Or could have been.
I worked the room like a smooth ass teflon Don politician. Everybody liked my unobtrusive yet charmingly quirky demeanor. Everybody wanted me to take their picture. The night was a huge success. The head surgeon/chair came up to me near the end of the event: "it is a pleasure to have you working with us."

well, that didn't last long...

Shitforbrains flipped and began to panic because the big cheese was on my side. Loved me and said hi every time he came into our office. Turdo didn't even get so much as a mumble.

And he hated me for it.
Or shall i say abhorred me for it.

He sabotaged me in every way he could. Tried to break me every way he could.
I just had an operation that left me weak and ill, and he used that to his advantage.
I broke and he fired me. Just one day shy of being unionized.

I should have known that it was coming down the pipeline.
"It's only gonna get worse..." was his sick and fucked up mantra.

No wonder he was a miserable fat sloth moron.

But I digress from venting...

It's only gonna get worse ...


I find myself saying this right now as i try to march stoically through these horrendous side effects of my GERD medication.

I tried to explain to my gastro doc that I felt like i had been run over by a buss. That i was putting on weight like a rowboat in a monsoon. That i was becoming moody and manic.

"well, i've never heard of those side effects before"
(ergo - they don't exist)

But now thanks to the internet, more and more people are chiming in about the wonderful world of heavy duty meds and the delightful cornucopia of pleasantries that twist your insides and outsides into a wet noodle.

(taken from Wikepedia: Thomas A. Scully, head of the Federal Centers for Medicare and Medicaid services also criticized AstraZeneca for their aggressive marketing of Nexium. At a conference of the American Medical Association he went so far as to suggest that Astra was using the new drug to overcharge consumers and insurance companies. "You should be embarrassed if you prescribe Nexium," he claimed, "because you're screwing your patients and you're screwing the taxpayers.")





GERD can be a serious thing. I was rumored to have Barrette's esophagus, which is one step away from esophageal cancer, but a biopsy showed that the tissue was not diseased, but was told that I would have to go in every 6-8 months for a gastroscopy to make sure. Getting a tube/camera shoved down your throat is not a fun experience. I would rather have 10 colonoscopies to one gastroscopy.  Yes, that many. Being awake for both, the sensation of having your throat and thorax scraped with a toilet bowl brush over and over again is not my idea of a good time.

It's ironic - i never was a smoker, or a drinker, yet I have what most smokers and drinkers suffer from. Oh if i were only able to say that i had and once enjoyed those vices, perhaps the intestinal prodding would seem more tolerable. Perhaps it's all made worse by the fact that I have a Hiatus hernia...


It's only gonna get worse ...


These pills - nasty pills. Have caused my fybromalgia to flare up in a serious way. I have to actually walk with a cane. Standing causes me to help in pain with each step, sitting is tantamount to sucking my skin and muscles into the floor with an industrial vacuum cleaner. And sleep? Well, I'll have none of that. The brain is mostly made of water, but is also a muscle, and with fybromyalgia, all muscles hurt, a lot. Including my brain.


It also triggers my bipolar.
Not a pretty sight considering I am already fighting that on a regular basis.

No more sunny days, no more walking with flip flops, letting the warm weather wrap me in its arms like a bright candy colored flannel blanket.

Fall - cold, damp, grey.
All my enemies for so many reasons.

I had an alternative, but that is even more scary than what i'm on now.

I had taken it once before, and had to get off after the third dose. My doctors thought i was crazy. Well, this crazy lady now has back up.

Astra zeneca has now packaged a long list of troubling side effects, preceded by the warning: Consult your doctor if these conditions occur or become worse.

Well, all the ones I had once tried to explain were all there in mauve and white.

Pretty packaging, not so pretty side effects.

It's only gonna get worse ...




I can hear people saying: "at least you don't have to go through chemo!"
Well, if this condition worsens, i may just have to...

But yes, it is gonna get worse before it gets better, and i have to take this bitter pill, my medicine, but why does something that is supposed to heal you make you more sick than what you started with?

Isn't that backwards?
Oh modern medicine, why must you be such a motherfucker?

Deep woods off

Came back from camping the other day.

God. It did us so much good to get away - into the woods, with nature, waking up and hearing the birds sing, the smell of fresh moist earth and wet leaves.

We are all meated out. Hamburgers, steak, and more steak. The best things on the bbq and so easy to make. BBQ season ends soon, thankfully. I've put on 10 pounds since the wedding. But i've enjoyed every mouthful of food that i've shoveled into my pie hole.

Putting up and taking down twice was a chore. We should have stayed at one site, but it was nice to see the rest of the park. First site - right off the water. It was my little fresh water ocean. Waves lapping against the weather-beaten rocks. The wind was refreshing. Kept the mosquitos away too. Nature's insect repellant.

Next site - deep in the belly of the forest. Waking up to a sea of green and dark bark. Nothing like it. Watching log burning tv live was simply bliss.

We got eaten alive. Especially me - welts all over my body. Some infected. Think i might be allergic to black fly stings. There must have been one that snuck into the tent. He must be a fat happy motherfucker today.

Dreamt of my father's father - he was carrying bibles and was waiting in some hallway to an office space with meeting rooms off on the side (hmm. purgatory perhaps?) and holding bibles. Funny and ironic. He was a communist in real life. Perhaps he switched his views while stepping out of his body. Too many iron clad ideas to carry along into the next dimension.

He spoke to me - as always, without words. Was very happy to see me. I didn't waste any time telling him all about my father, how much of an asshole he had been, become, the whole wedding fiasco, how he left me and mom high and dry. I let it all out - without holding back. He had to know that his "perfect son" was not without some really huge ass flaws.

I was so bowled over by his reaction. Utter and complete sadness. He kept on apologizing, over and over again, saying how he never knew and could not believe how he could have brought up such an angry man. Clutching his bibles, eyes watering, repeating like a mantra: "I'm so so very sorry. I never knew". In the distance, i saw a fading apparition of staranka, and thought to myself, "she set up this meeting for me. I had a funny feeling she would..."

A few days later, dreamt of Starenka. Had not dreamt of her since she died, which is odd for me since dead people show up in my dreams not long after they die to tell me how good they are doing, and how they are watching out for me. She looked so well, rosy cheeks, glowing smile, wearing the crazy tacky costume jewelry I gave her with so much pride.

She told me how happy she was that i came to visit her in her new home. Nurses and social workers buzzed about, all smiling and laughing with her. What a wonderful atmosphere. Always the social butterfly, she alternated talking to me with arranging her seating area, giving away candy to the nurses. Nothing much had changed, except she was finally at peace.

I felt a sense of relief, of warmth surround us. She told me not to worry, that she was looking out for me and my mom. With arms wide open, I walked into a warm grandmotherly hug and she was wheeled away down the hall.

Turns out mom dreamt of her too, the same night while mom was at a country house with me and my friends. "I've come to visit and I've brought some of my friends. I hope you don't mind, we are going to stay five days!". Mom was happy, but also knew she had a lot of work ahead with 8 people to feed and entertain, but was grateful for the visit.

"I'm always working. Even in my dreams. No wonder i wake up tired every morning" mom said after sharing her memory with me today.

And today, despite the infected bug bites, the sweltering humidity in the city, and mounds of dirty stinky clothes left from camping waiting to be washed, i feel happy and calm.

It's nice to get these kinds of visits. Even if they are only through our dreams.

Note to self, deep woods off is absolute crap.

Foxtrot Basic

I can't beleive that they are actually dancing to the same song that E and I used today for our first lesson. This is the song that will be our first dance. How uncanny is this!?!?