A letter to a friend

a letter to a photographer friend today - a reply to his message after seeing my film
Clair Obscure.

I was surprised by what gushed forth
sometimes I surprise myself, in a good way :-)

Oh Dave,

you have no idea how much your message has touched me. So many emotions. I don't know where to begin...

first, I'll start from the end...

Interesting you picked up on the whole doc/60's-70's feel. I guess my religious viewing of films such as shock corridor (Sam Fuller), Titicut Follies (Frederick Wiseman), 2001 (Kubrick), A woman under the influence (Cassavettes) and of course, One Flew over the cuckoo's nest (Forman) and Let there be light (Huston). Film has been a huge part of my life. When my parents divorced, i was 11, and my weekly father's visits consisted of dinner @ Wendy's or McDonalds followed by a movie. That's all we did. That was his way of connecting. After watching a film, we'd go for ice cream and have our own "At the movies" critique session. You can imagine how interesting they were when we saw 2001 a Space Odyssey and Apocalypse Now (he snuck me into that one. Opening week - crazy insanity. He literally snuck me underneath his coat!!)

And when I did film production @ university, we were old school. 1990. Cutting film was an organic experience. Almost spiritual.

manic depression is often a ticking time bomb, present in the family tree and detonated during or after a traumatic event - my detonation was my parent's split. After that. puberty wreaked havoc until I was 19. That's when I had my full blown breakdown. It was ugly. It is truly a miracle I lived to tell the tale. I should have been dead by now, more than half a dozen times over...

After almost a year of being shuttled from emergency room to another, I was helped by a doctor who was starting a crisis clinic at one of the hospitals. She was a pioneer in her field and research into bipolar. It was the light at the end of the tunnel, but little did I know, the tunnel would be filled with sewage, rot and stigma. (funny enough - while I'm writing this, I just realized that the whole scene in the tunnel might have been a subconscious link to that...)

I was hospitalized for a week and then a day patient for a month. The big mental hospital is actually an old mansion on the mountain. Ornate, yet now devoid of all its glamour, it was a hollow shell of a once grandiose existence - so much like the life of a person with bipolar - after the crash...

I knew I was not 'crazy/over the edge" as some of the people there were, but i was not far from it. I had actually looked into the abyss. Stood on the precipice of no return. It was a welcome end to an existence filled with pain, confusion and relentless chaos. That ledge was so narrow. Despite my new 'medicated lithium state", it was terrifying to actually know that i was so close to jumping into an alternate reality because mine had become a living hell. The woman who sat in the waiting room, in the buss, arranging her groceries, watching out the window as the world passed her by, letting the wind blow through her hair. That could have been me. In that waiting room, in that other world...

what brought me back, i still don't know. But to this day, I am forever thankful that by some divine intervention, i returned. Perhaps it was the will to live, my higher reptilian brain telling me to push through. Or perhaps it was my old soul telling me it was my gift to be able to share this experience with the world. That my suffering was indeed necessary to be able to coherently explain life "on the other side" and to give others hope, and others insight into an existence that is nothing short of hell on earth...

Your relationship with your ex-girlfriend - bless your heart. We all need somebody as understanding and loving as you are to her. You are insightful and kind to realize that bipolar is something bigger than we are. It is bigger than our logical mind. It is our emotional mind on crack. It's the vortex of fear and isolation, of gravity and pain twisted around synapses that fire furiously, out of control, without a plan. Rabid. Paralyzing. What we say and do during our mixed states is not of our own consciousness. It is the muddled kaleidoscope of isolation, broken dreams and terror.

And ADD, I suffer from that too, albeit a mild version but  I know all too well how that can turn a normal task into a labyrinth of confusion and complication.  Mine runs into elliptical and illogical ruminations about death, paranoia and other worst case scenarios. Sometimes, I can't even step out of the house because I'm afraid that the earth will open up and swallow me whole, or that I will spontaneously combust. My mind checks over the details like a mega processor, but the computations never add up but information spews forth at random, adding to the confusion and chaos in my brain.

Dysthymic  Disorder - that languid melancholy, worn like a wet overcoat. How it turns the most beautiful sunset into a realization that another day has passed and life is that much shorter.  How the excitement of a new day is filtered through the density of apprehension that what we didn't do yesterday is yet another reason to put off what we could have done to what we should do, but then as the sunset begins, we get lost in an endless cycle of regret and what seems like idyllic hope. I really hope that you are able to manage those episodes. That you have found a medication to ease the pain. I have found that CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy has helped me a lot), but as with all ways of seeing and learning, it takes practice. The key is to stay positive and focused. Which for people like us, is nothing short of a hurdle in itself. Having friends who understand and believe in you are key.

But I think the worst part is dealing with the people who think "it's all in your head". Yes. It is. But despite that when they say : "just snap out of it" - mental illness is a chemical imbalance. The brain is a complex system of nerve tissue, fibers, neurons, dendrites and synapses - all working together or against each other. Even in the 21st century, science is still in the initial stages of comprehension and unraveling the mystery that is the human mind. I have had to deal with people who say: "just get a grip on life", "everybody has problems", "it's all in how you deal with it" or the best one: "buck up and face your problems like a man/woman".  It is my hope that one day, people who are these ignorant naysayers live one life in the mind of somebody who suffers as we have. I have no doubt that they would quickly change their mind and opinion, but until then, I try with my photography and films to drive the point home.

Did you see my "blue series" on flickr? I have a bunch of other "self portraits" that try to illustrate life on the other side of sanity. With each shutter click, i hope that one day I will get closer to being more cohesive, better at expressing my experiences. It's important that people know and understand. Ignorance breeds contempt and hatred. Our world is filled with enough of that. 
People who suffer by no will of their own need a fucken break. 

All my life i've had to deal with people labeling me a "weird/off/strange/psychotic/wacky". A good friend of mine from high school with whom i recently reconnected with said that people often came to her and asked: "why are you friends with her? She's pretty messed up." But she stuck through, believed in me and said - 'that's why she's so special. And that's why she's my friend." If only i had that kind of unconditional acceptance from my friends and family. 

After a nasty court settlement when i turned 20, my mother, father and both lawyers on both sides sat in our lawyer's office and when asked if we had any last words, I looked at him and pulled out a piece of paper.

"dad, you think that this is all in my head - this depression. this mania. my suffering. Here is a list of doctors that will tell you that I am in fact suffering from bipolar disorder. That it is real. I encourage you to get in touch with them and talk to them yourself."

without looking at me, he packed up his briefcase, took the paper, folded it into a tiny square and shoved it in his pocket. 


"Well, if I were to ask the doctors when all my problems started, they would say that it all started when you were born."

And with that, he left the room. His lawyer, my lawyer and mother all stood there, silent and shocked. His lawyer apologized profusely. So did our lawyer. So did my mom. It was something I would have to get used to.

How ironic is it that to this day, my dad, even though he has seen my film, still does not believe that what i suffer from is a legitimate and medical condition.

It is still something I am getting used to. But if my film can touch one person, then all of this will have been worth it.

And your message has made me smile.

I'm so happy that it touched your life. That means everything to me.

Please stay well Dave, and i have faith that one day, we will be able to share our stories on the battle field. We have come through the difficult task of survival, overcoming the stigma, and through that, will inspire others.

hpk

Deep woods off

Came back from camping the other day.

God. It did us so much good to get away - into the woods, with nature, waking up and hearing the birds sing, the smell of fresh moist earth and wet leaves.

We are all meated out. Hamburgers, steak, and more steak. The best things on the bbq and so easy to make. BBQ season ends soon, thankfully. I've put on 10 pounds since the wedding. But i've enjoyed every mouthful of food that i've shoveled into my pie hole.

Putting up and taking down twice was a chore. We should have stayed at one site, but it was nice to see the rest of the park. First site - right off the water. It was my little fresh water ocean. Waves lapping against the weather-beaten rocks. The wind was refreshing. Kept the mosquitos away too. Nature's insect repellant.

Next site - deep in the belly of the forest. Waking up to a sea of green and dark bark. Nothing like it. Watching log burning tv live was simply bliss.

We got eaten alive. Especially me - welts all over my body. Some infected. Think i might be allergic to black fly stings. There must have been one that snuck into the tent. He must be a fat happy motherfucker today.

Dreamt of my father's father - he was carrying bibles and was waiting in some hallway to an office space with meeting rooms off on the side (hmm. purgatory perhaps?) and holding bibles. Funny and ironic. He was a communist in real life. Perhaps he switched his views while stepping out of his body. Too many iron clad ideas to carry along into the next dimension.

He spoke to me - as always, without words. Was very happy to see me. I didn't waste any time telling him all about my father, how much of an asshole he had been, become, the whole wedding fiasco, how he left me and mom high and dry. I let it all out - without holding back. He had to know that his "perfect son" was not without some really huge ass flaws.

I was so bowled over by his reaction. Utter and complete sadness. He kept on apologizing, over and over again, saying how he never knew and could not believe how he could have brought up such an angry man. Clutching his bibles, eyes watering, repeating like a mantra: "I'm so so very sorry. I never knew". In the distance, i saw a fading apparition of staranka, and thought to myself, "she set up this meeting for me. I had a funny feeling she would..."

A few days later, dreamt of Starenka. Had not dreamt of her since she died, which is odd for me since dead people show up in my dreams not long after they die to tell me how good they are doing, and how they are watching out for me. She looked so well, rosy cheeks, glowing smile, wearing the crazy tacky costume jewelry I gave her with so much pride.

She told me how happy she was that i came to visit her in her new home. Nurses and social workers buzzed about, all smiling and laughing with her. What a wonderful atmosphere. Always the social butterfly, she alternated talking to me with arranging her seating area, giving away candy to the nurses. Nothing much had changed, except she was finally at peace.

I felt a sense of relief, of warmth surround us. She told me not to worry, that she was looking out for me and my mom. With arms wide open, I walked into a warm grandmotherly hug and she was wheeled away down the hall.

Turns out mom dreamt of her too, the same night while mom was at a country house with me and my friends. "I've come to visit and I've brought some of my friends. I hope you don't mind, we are going to stay five days!". Mom was happy, but also knew she had a lot of work ahead with 8 people to feed and entertain, but was grateful for the visit.

"I'm always working. Even in my dreams. No wonder i wake up tired every morning" mom said after sharing her memory with me today.

And today, despite the infected bug bites, the sweltering humidity in the city, and mounds of dirty stinky clothes left from camping waiting to be washed, i feel happy and calm.

It's nice to get these kinds of visits. Even if they are only through our dreams.

Note to self, deep woods off is absolute crap.

a letter from a friend way down south

Y has to be one of the most spiritual people i know. She is an incredible woman and from her, have learned so much about life.

She is a wise sage, a patient mentor and her advice on this issue has opened the door to peace and acceptance.

Thank you Y so very very much.

I am glad you wrote. I have had a rough week here and couldn't write anything positive. We have had a lot of rain here so my fibromyalgia was very bad and the pain was excruciating, and at work I don't have air conditioning which is unbearable on hot and humid days which makes me crazy working at the mental hospital! I love New mexico but it is the Third world here for the most part so all that I like about less developed places sometimes makes it hard to live here , too.

I have thought a lot about your situation with your father and I am going to say it as is. Hpk, your father does not behave like a mature adult, he behaves as if you owe him something all the time. He is what is called in the mental health world, a person suffering from a narcissistic personality disorder. they always feel they deserve more than others and feel they should be praised, noticed, entertained, honored for just being alive, and they feel they should do nothing to deserve that, and when they don't get the attention they want, they get vindictive.

Check the Wikipedia entry for narcissistic personality disorder. My mother was like that, and also very physically and emotionally abusive, and the only way I can think of dealing with her memory is to remember that she couldn't be an adult, a stable mother because she had a very serious personality disorder that she wasn't willing to work on to be a better person. Without having met your father, but having heard of his behavior from your mom and you, I think I can safely say that he also has a personality disorder and is not willing to be humble, forgiving, or self critical to make peace with his own life and family.

It's a shame, but that is his karma and his choice, and at some level, we chose to be born to an inadequate parent or (2 in my case) because we needed at a karmic level to learn about independence, to think in more creative ways, to learn about a certain kind of suffereing and be there for others who also have similar karma. that is how I deal with the situation, and I still grieve for parents I never had, the childhood or adulthood love and life direction I never had, but I try to accept it and look at my survival and my good relationship with my husband as a blessing and success and try to make peace with it.

I am especially grateful for your mother's presence in my life because she was an older female friend that listened to me, was present as a friend, and genuinely liked me through the years when I lived with a deep sadness that I wasn't loveable because my own mother didn't love me.

You have a wonderful man in your life, your husband, and it is all right to be a parent to each other spometimes as well as a spouse. Nathan and I are like that with each other, and we value each other espcially because we will forever be refugees from our strange childhoods, and we talk about the childhoods and youth we could have had if we had met each other earlier, and this fantasy is also very healing with us.


I will call your mom, tonight. I think of her all the time. I really don't understand why she is going through this. I don't know. god does work in mysterious ways and everyone's life path and spiritual journey is mysterious insome ways. i don't know why suffering happens. i wish i did. this is a very deep question, all I know is that I try to remind myself to be grateful for being alive, being alive one more day and to enjoy beauty.

I really think you need to connect with a cancer support group as a caretaker, you need to share your burden. And yes, most people will duck when things get rough, and yes I have experienced it in my life many times.

It would be good for you and E and your mom to look at finances, long term plans, Plan A and Plan B, and Plan C, to evaluate what you all can live with, what you can't, what is your bottom line, at least as you can identify them for now (because life does change all that as well), so that you feel empowered by having discussed the undiscussables! There is big relief in that as well; check all the programs, services, obligations etc around your situation. That is also something a based cancer survivor group might help you with.

change skins

augh.

I'm throwing up my hands for this one.

It seems like there will be a never-ending who hurt who first cat and mouse game.

I mean hello - the man is 67 years old. Grow the fuck up!

His email was like a kick in the face, transporting me back, 30 years ago when i sat at a table across from him. It was the final settlement of the alimony child support fiasco. I had moved in with my boyfriend, and he and his wife deiced to pay a visit. Turns out it was a fact finding mission, not a friendly drop in - according to my father (through his lawyer), since i was living with somebody now, there was no need to pay child support. So he began the process of claiming that he was going to sue me for all the back child support/alimony payments.

it was ugly - even more disgusting than the divorce. I was 20 years old, just recovering from a severe breakdown, sitting in front of a man who called himself my father. His eyes dead, black, not the brown i had remembered them to be.

Back room discussions between lawyers finally ironed things out.

He would continue with the original agreement as stipulated in the divorce papers 19 years ago. Child support until my 21st birthday.

As our lawyers passed around the papers to be signed, i passed him a paper with all the names of my current doctors. Three psychiatrist, an endocrinologist, gynecologist and a general doctor all agreeing that i was in fact, suffering from a severe hormonal imbalance, and severe Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PPMD) and manic depression. My "fits of crying and depression" were not in my head, and were not tools to "manipulate" him into giving me more money. They were real.

I said this, pointing to the list of doctors and their phone numbers.

"every one of them said you can call them for details. Every one of them said they would be happy to explain all of this to you. My problems are not "in my head". They are real."

Without blinking , or looking up, he snarled:

"well, if i asked my doctor when all my problems started, they would say they all started when you were born!"

and that was all he said.

He stood up, pushed the chair away, shook his lawyers hand and bolted for the door.

We all sat there - mouths gaping wide open.

Stunned.

In shock.

did he just say that?

His lawyer began to apologize profusely, sincerely disturbed by his client's outburst.

What could he say? What could we say?

Our lawyer took me into her office, and gave me a big hug.

"He's just an evil man. In all of my years of practice, i have never seen anything as despicable as this. I am so sorry this had to happen."

I was in shock. My mom was in shock.

We sat in the car, running the scenario over and over in our head for days.

Days turned into weeks. Weeks into months, and then into years.

And then one day, it just happened.

I learned to let go.

I woke up and told myself that he did what he did for some strange alien reason that i would never understand (which turned out to be his psychotic wife who always believed i was out to steal him from her) and that holding a grudge was only poisonous to me. I had to accept and love him nonetheless.

So then i opened the door to forgiveness. Opened the lines to dialogue.

And one day, out of the blue he called. Left a long message on my phone. He had cancer, had beat it, was retired, and looking forward to reconnecting.

And we did, and it was wonderful. Finally, as adults, we were able to talk, laugh. I had my father back in my life again. Not as my father per say, but a wounded man who was happy to reconnect with a young woman he had once loved dearly. A part of him. He a part of me. Associated by blood lines.

Blood is thicker than water.

but after months of spotty correspondence, old patterns re-emerged again. "Yea, we will get together, come up north", but something would always come up.

Here we go again.

I was the 11 year old girl, sitting on the stoop of her front door. Tiny suitcase in had, waiting for dad to pick her up for a nice weekend up north.

he never came

"I forgot..."

I forgave, moved on. Accepted and then let go.

Life went on.

Then one day, the nasty email from facebook.

"I'm entitled to know what is going on because I am your father.."

whaaaatttt???

I wrote back, calmly. Logically, giving all the facts.

His reply, short and sweet. Something about he suffered pain of loneliness, and that certain people and situations kept me away from him.

cryptic.

I moved on, opening the door to dialogue. Besides, i wanted him to be a part of the biggest day of my life. He was still my father. Not a very good one, but still one.

It was pleasant, but that was it. He only came up to me to say goodbye at the end of the night. We laughed, took a few photos and that was it. The joy of the day overshadowed the awkwardness of that final exchange. But I was still happy he came.

Then the lovely email - a day after my honeymoon.

Another kick in the stomach.

Then the news mom's cancer had come back.

Sucker punched again.

wounded and weary, knowing that another boxing mach would begin soon - round x with cancer treatment. Not again, fucken cancer. Can't you stay away?!

so i replied. Trying to be as honest as possible. What did i have to lose anymore?

Dad,

All i can say is that i'm so very sorry that you felt the way you did. It was in no way done to hurt anybody. I was very saddned and very depressed when i got this email a day after my honeymoon. I didn't know what to say - what could I say after all? I think sorry would not be enough...

You know, not having you in the wedding party was such a tough decision. I was very very confused and it caused me many sleepless nights, but please try to see this from my perspective, please try to understand - if things were different in both of our lives and i had to make decisions on how our lives would have turned out - we all would have been a happy family - both mom and dad walking me down the isle, but the reality of it all is that mom has been all alone to raise me all by herself for the past 30 years. I could not make you a bigger part of this wedding without causing her a lot of pain, and because of everything i have seen her go through first hand, and all that she has done for me and seen me go through, i felt it was my way of thanking her for taking care of me and loving me so much. She was involved right from day 1 - driving me to every store in the city, spending late nights with me making the invitations, planning, and all while in between, doing her il2 treatments. Lots of stuff happened so quickly - it seems like i blinked and the day was over.

It was a hard decision but i hope you understand that as an adult, people have to make difficult decisions in their life, and this was one of them...

And the day really went by so quickly - it was hard for me to get to everybody. People were coming up to me to talk, i really wished you had taken a moment, taken me aside and had a nice father/daughter chat, wished me well, and told me how pretty i looked, because every girl wants to hear that from her dad on her special day - regardless of the situation. But I want you to know, that despite the way things turned out, I was so very happy that you came, and yes, i too wish we could have taken some photos together - but you know what? Nobody got family photos. I have none of us with eric's parents or with you or mom, so don't feel left out. Somebody was supposed to be looking out and making sure all of this got done, but it happened. We can't go back in time and change it or be angry because of it.

but alas, things happened the way they happened. We live and move on.

i think there are a lot of unresolved issues - and the wedding was not the place to talk about them. I know we need one on one time so we can really talk. Email is so hard, and not very personal.

In an email long ago, you wrote: Some situations and some people had kept you away from me

what did that mean exactly? I was always there, always waiting, hoping that we could reconnect, and i hope that we still can.

hpk

Mom had her operation. Another hell experience in the hospital. They didn't give her medications to her for 4 days. Prozac, synthroid. Anti depressant and thyroid medication. Two very important meds. She was going through serious withdrawal. You don't come off cold turkey with prozac. It can make you lose your mind.

Seriously...

She was let out of the hospital too early, without any dressing on her 30 inch incision across her belly. No follow up appointments. Nothing.

She got sick, the wound seriously infected. Rushed to the hospital again.

The never-ending saga.

Then a reply.

Mute and dazed, i walked away from the computer. E was away on business and knew that re-reading this would drive me insane. I fwd it to him and waited for his call.

He came back. We talked. I cried, yelled and cried some more.

I had no more strength. Fighting for my mom in the hospital with incompetent and insensitive staff, seeing my poor mother suffer again drained me. And now this.

Thank you for your email.


It still does not change or lighten up my hurt.


I'll make it short, like your comment, "as an ADULT, people have to make difficult decisions in THEIR LIVES and that things happened the way they happened." You certainly made yours.


In closing, I truly wish you and your mate all the best.


Dad.

I guess that was it.

or that is it.

There is no solution to this never ending fight.

He is now dead to me. How anybody can do this to their own child is beyond my comprehension. Grow up old man. You will forever be under the iron thumb of your so called wife. She got you to tie your tubes, she will make you cut the strings with your only daughter.

You are made for each other.

so i try to walk away, not looking back,

not looking back.

“To change skins, evolve into new cycles, I feel one has to learn to discard. If one changes internally, one should not continue to live with the same objects. They reflect one's mind and the psyche of yesterday. I throw away what has no dynamic, living use.”

~Anais Nin

despite it all...

despite it all, she said the following:

"I told B that I would get better just to spite the system and this f*&ing hospital!"

More nightmare scenarios (but not as bad as two aprils ago), but still pretty shitty.

She's dealing with shingles to top it all off.

but she's not giving up.

My God. This woman is beyond amazing.

She's unsinkable and unstoppable!

My mom.

My Idol.

speaking of unstoppable -

from a friend who overheard something somewhere during the night of the big event:

(in-between the speeches (and there were only two - the groom and the best man...):

All these speeches, it's as if you don't exist.

Yep.

Father's new wife.

Isn't she a peach?!

So it seems like a nasty comment turned into a discussion on their way back home which turned into the nasty email he sent me, one day back after my honeymoon.

That fucken woman is pure evil.

Remember, she's the one who MADE my father have a vasectomy. Something she was very proud to share with me after the fact.

Evil evil evil.

Poison.

Out out out.

For once and for all, I will try to walk away from this and other people who try to pry their way into my life. The unwanted brood.

You can't hurt me anymore.

I won't let you...

and so the saga continues...

I don't know what to say...

I was beyond "floored" when I got this.

E and I had just come back from an AMAZING vacation in Cuba (God, I love that place) - sun, sand and good times. We were both well rested (it took E a big longer - he actually had two conference calls, or attempts at conference calls - not to mention that my cell bill is going to be over 500$ for sure, and only really began to relax mid week) and came back refreshed and tanned. We had never been on vacation together before - never a "real" vacation that didn't involve camping or "rolling work into a vacation" tip, so this message was such a ice cold welcome back home.

On shitbook, unless somebody creates a "subject line" for a message, only the first few lines appear in the "from" line. So there I was, all excited about this nice note from dad, which quickly turned into sobs of anger and frustration.

Seriously - what the fuck?!

I suggest that you read the following entries to really get the gist of what is going on. After you read part 1 and part 2 you will have a new appreciation of how confused I am as how to reply.

HPK,

Your wedding was a dream. Your beauty and E's personality were the tops. The location and setting were "A" class and once again I congratulate the both of you.


Something was out of line and hit me hard. As I was not any part of your wedding, I wondered why..... was I invited.


I have to express my deep hurt feelings as I felt so much like an outcast.


No pictures of you and I were taken. Not even one.

I was not even part of "The Family Reception Line " to meet all of your guests. At that moment...... I felt like leaving......, but decided to say as I had to much respect for your wedding day.


Your comment to me on the reception line "THANKS FOR COMING" as if me ...DAD, was considered as a GUEST. That hurt ..the most.


Not once did you come personally to see your Dad and talk for a bit.


I refer to my email of the of March and your reply in which both our us had suffered enough over the past 30 years and the mending time as GROWN ADULTS were in process and turn the pages of the past and begin a new loving one as Father and Daughter.


I was hoping for this change to be and you had a chance to mend things together at your wedding...... obliviously it was far from your process and now I realize the true picture.


30 years is a long time to carry a grudge , and life must go on through many more tough hurdles and ever so passes by so quickly.


You made your choice and I accept your decision to keep your "Father of the Bride", regardless of the past, out of the pictures on this truly special daughters marriage occasion.


So...... as I now will turn another page in my life with you, I wish the both of you Happiness.

snow job?

From: dad
To: hpk
Subject: RE: Note
Date: Fri, 13 Mar 2009 22:53:46 -0400

hpk,

I have always accepted you as you were and will continue to do.

Some situations and some people had kept you away from me but you were still in my inner mind and heart.

I had too suffered all my life with the emptiness as much as you did.

The only privilege in our lives is to be daughter and father.

I hope your expressions on your feelings will help you through your heeling process and you can rest assure that I have no anger and will not be silence.

Dad


From: hpk
To: dad
Subject: RE: Note
Date: Fri, 20 Mar 2009 01:49:07 +0000


Hey dad,
thank you so much for your reply...
I was really surprised and happy that you well, surprised me with such a nice email.

I think we have a lot to catch up on. I'm glad we are taking the first step.

I just wanted to say hi and that I will reply with a longer email to this one.

Mom is in the hospital again - she's up to treatment # 8. Many people don't make it past 5! The doctor is hoping that she will get to 11 out of the 12 - the more the better are her chances. At 11 last time, her lungs were filled with fluid (water retention is a huge side effect- she put on almost 20 from the water weight alone last time..). So we will see if she'll be home on the weekend. And if so, I will have more time to stay in one place rather than zip back and forth from hospital to home to hospital and then home again...

Have a great weekend..

xooxox

hpk




and this is where it gets weird...


From: dad
Sent: March 21, 2009 12:58:19 PM
To: hpk

Hpk, its great to hear your expressions and perhaps on the right track to living for you and E. As you get older in life, you may find out that seeking a partner who is compatible and doing things together will change the perspective in that nothing else counts as your days ahead are shorter than you think. Turning the page in your life now will not be easy but you must turn.

Many people tend to chose and live a lonely life, but that is there choice and it is not a good choice . The 30 years together with my 2nd wife is one of a bonding that couples work through hard and can do so because of compatibility. When you will get into our age bracket,many years from now, you perhaps will understand. But for now, work hard on with Mate on this avenue. It takes a lot of work but in the end you will find piece of mind and togetherness. Nothing else should take priority. Its you and E.

Please send our thoughts to your mom for speedy recovery.

Take care and will be in touch.

Dad

xxoo



?????

Once again, things get complicated, or he can't deal or his wife got to read the last email and told him to write this.

I dunno..

Some situations and some people had kept you away from me

what do you make of that???

a long time coming...

as my mom said "this was 30 years in the making"

i was 11 when my parents divorced.
And after saying goodbye to my grandmother for one last time, I knew that she was watching over me, her and my aunt, when they helped me find the strength to write this letter...


From: dad
To: daughter

Subject: Note

Date: Wed, 11 Mar 2009 19:54:03 -040


hpk, I'm somewhat disappointed in finding out things like in your facebook or after the fact about Jim's wife passing away, like your upcoming wedding and now about the passing away of your grandmother. I'm the last one only to find out when looking on your facebook instead of a small email from you personally


Dad



From: hpk

To: dad

Subject: RE: Note

Date: Thu, 12 Mar 2009 03:35:12 +0000


dad,

please understand that i'm i a really bad place right now - facebook is just a shout out to all my friends/family cause often I don't have the energy to sit down and type things and send emails to everybody I really want to..

it's been so hard the last little while - with mom's health, e's stress which is forever mounting, the small things to organize the wedding which are really enough to drive everybody crazy, and then my health scares... Was sick - so much so I collapsed. I was sure I had a stomach flu, but as it turns out - I maybe have a peptic ulcer - was blocked up for a week - tried everything. Gaged through each glass of water - never threw up, but came close. A week in horrible pain, - went for an abdominal ultrasound, abdominal xray and nothing. Then the lumps near my left breast near my underarm was getting bigger and more sore. all I could think about was cancer, and I could not get one doctor to tell it to me straight...


so sometimes, i just send out a little shout cause that's all i can manage to have the strength for - and these days, it's all that i got...


and now with starenka gone - i wanted nothing more than for her to be at my wedding. Just a few days before, i asked her what she was going to wear, and now she's gone...

i can't wrap my head around that...

and auntie j - i was as floored as you were. Mom and i didn't know at all

funny, in the age of information such as email, communications still get lots along the way..

I hope your interferon treatments go well and wipe out all those little nasty cells...

But I'm sure they will -you are one tough mean joe green and that is one thing I admire most about you and mom - not quitters - never give up - stand up and punch adversity in the mouth...


I just wish I could find the strength to do the same. I'm so worn down, so very worn down..


Happy, and in love, but my spirit is pretty beat up.


thanks for your thoughts

talk soon

oooxo
k



From: dad

To: hpk

Subject: RE: Note

Date: Thu, 12 Mar 2009 23:04:47 -0400


hpk, I do understand what your going through and hope that your communication through your friends in facebook is necessary, however, I hope you don't consider me as a friend. You know, as a father, I should have more personal important information and have the privilege being a Father instead of facebook friends.


I know reading over your email the turmoil that you are taken upon yourself and in some way I disagree. The three most precious things in your life these days are, your Mother, me, your Father and E. All others are hardship which you cannot control. Take it as it is and let it flow freely instead of trying to coop with other situations and problems and perhaps the positive vibes will bring your body to the three things which you should care for and the ailing pains will pass.

Take care and be positive and remember what your mom and I are going through. We can only accept the situation in a positive mind and keep on living daily and enjoy the few happy years ahead of us now.

Love Dad.




my reply last night
it took three hours, but it was an unedited steam of thought.
And after re-reading it, I'm pretty fucken impressed with myself...

dad,

i have read this email and understand what you are saying...

but please understand where i am coming from..

of course you are more than a friend, you are my dad, and technically will always be my dad, but at the same time, you have been absent for most of my teen and adult life and I believe that you being privy to what now happens in my life, being "a dad" is not a privilege or right when you have not been an "actual dad" for most of my life.


You can't just "step into the role" when you want.

I don't think fatherhood works that way. At least, in my book, it doesn't...


That still hurts - not having you around all the time, not being there for the big and even the little things in my life like a dad should. I used to look at my friends and their family photos and wished that could have been me - happy and together.


When I graduated with my degree from film - "with distinction/honours", shaking hands with the Dean of the university, on stage after in the mezzane - seeing proud fathers standing beside their daughters. When I won all those awards for my film - my film about my very difficult nervous breakdown - in front of 500 people on a saturday screening, going up to accept my award for best film, i was happy, but without you there. it was not the same.

and then there were the sad times - when my heart was broken so many times, when i was in the hospital, so sick and in intensive care - almost in severe kidney failure and fast tracked for a transplant, when i cried for days after finding out that my best best friend shot himself in the head at the age of 24 or when i found out that mom had cancer.

or when you and mom divorced...

i needed you there when i felt like i was the reason you and mom split up

i needed my dad and you were not there...

but I pulled through - and with the love and support of auntie, uncle my little cousin/sister l, and of course the strength and amazing courage of starenka and mom, i survived, and with their help, became the beautiful talented woman i am today.


And they accepted me for all that i have done, all that I am and continue to do and be, which i am forever thankful for because I have been judged by many, and being an artist, that is part of the game, but i never would have made it to galleries in Seattle, Arizona, Toronto and most of all and importantly New York without their support.


I know i could have not done it without them and now with e in my life - God bless e. He is my everything, and because of him, i can believe in love again. Know that marriage doesn't always have to end in divorce, and have a partner in life and love to walk with me till i'm old and grey, and beyond...

but I needed your support back then too..

BUT I also understand that you did (left us) what you did and I'm not angry anymore about it and don't hate you for what you did.

I've come to terms with you having a need to move on with your life - your life with mom was not a happy one, and if you would have stayed together, it might have caused us all even more amounts of grief and pain. The break was a necessary one. And as an adult, I now understand all of that. I have accepted that. Life goes on. We all move on. We all turn another page...

but somewhere inside of me, a little hpk is still hurt and feels left behind in the messy divorce


you know all that crap about coming to terms with your "inner child" - well, i realized that i have a lot of healing to do - and even at 40, i still miss the happy family that we could have been but never were...

there are so many things that have happened to me, and to those around me - some things you never could have imagined - both good and bad, but how do we, you and me, make up for that lost time?

I don't know - I wish i had the answers, and wish i could turn back the hands of time, but that is something we just have to come to grips with...


so all of this to say - i'm so very very happy that we have reconnected, and are slowly rebuilding our relationship, but understand that it's gonna take some time for me to get used to you being back in my life again. Cause for so many years, we were never really that close - and yea, i did consider you more of a friend than dad just because when I was only seeing you on weekends, and then over the years, once or twice a year is what i do with friends. Not even friends, acquaintances...


i admire your courage - what you have gone through, and continue to do so, but i am not you who seems to bounce back from adversity and setbacks with what I get from the tone of your emails, steely determination, resolve and unemotional distancing, but dad, and am sensitive, get hurt easily, and being open about my fears and weaknesses is the way that i work through my problems/turmoil is just how i am.

can you really accept me for who i am?


All of this shit - stress and life's ups and downs, I will get through this.

I alway have, but it seems that me showing you my vulnerable side makes you uncomfortable, but I'm not sorry for that. I am your daughter, and I hope that as my father, you will accept me for all that I am, cause that is what a father should do, and that it is you who are privileged because i decide to let you back into my life...

and today was a very sad day indeed.

We all wept because we will miss her, but then smiled, and remembered how wonderful and what an incredible woman starenka was.

But grieving is a very personal thing, and i turn to support from people who have supported me, hence posting to my facebook page.


They may seem like strangers to you, but to me, some of them are as close to family as family can be, and have gathered around to send their love and strength my way.

I have been wanting to say all of this to you for some time, but never had the courage, mainly because i feared that whatever little contact I had with you would end - you would disappear again and you would forever be out of my life because you could not handle me and my emotions, but as i type this, i feel the loving hand of auntie on one shoulder, and starenka, the other, giving me the strength to write these words to you because i have, for so many years, not been able to.

we both have a lot to think about, and a part of me even doubts that you will get this far into the message without just getting really pissed off and sending me an angry email in response, but that is my memory of you - hair-trigger temper, and anger followed by silence.

I really hope you can prove me wrong.

so on that note, I must rest.

I have done enough grieving to last me a few years, including the letting go of these painful emotions/thoughts of our relationship

and of course, and seeing starenka for one last time.

mom starts round two of her IL2 treatment again on monday so I won't be near my email or phone for a while as I will be spending most of my time at the hospital.

once again, i hope this email opens the door to more dialogue and doesn't close it forever.

always your daughter,
hpk