change skins

augh.

I'm throwing up my hands for this one.

It seems like there will be a never-ending who hurt who first cat and mouse game.

I mean hello - the man is 67 years old. Grow the fuck up!

His email was like a kick in the face, transporting me back, 30 years ago when i sat at a table across from him. It was the final settlement of the alimony child support fiasco. I had moved in with my boyfriend, and he and his wife deiced to pay a visit. Turns out it was a fact finding mission, not a friendly drop in - according to my father (through his lawyer), since i was living with somebody now, there was no need to pay child support. So he began the process of claiming that he was going to sue me for all the back child support/alimony payments.

it was ugly - even more disgusting than the divorce. I was 20 years old, just recovering from a severe breakdown, sitting in front of a man who called himself my father. His eyes dead, black, not the brown i had remembered them to be.

Back room discussions between lawyers finally ironed things out.

He would continue with the original agreement as stipulated in the divorce papers 19 years ago. Child support until my 21st birthday.

As our lawyers passed around the papers to be signed, i passed him a paper with all the names of my current doctors. Three psychiatrist, an endocrinologist, gynecologist and a general doctor all agreeing that i was in fact, suffering from a severe hormonal imbalance, and severe Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PPMD) and manic depression. My "fits of crying and depression" were not in my head, and were not tools to "manipulate" him into giving me more money. They were real.

I said this, pointing to the list of doctors and their phone numbers.

"every one of them said you can call them for details. Every one of them said they would be happy to explain all of this to you. My problems are not "in my head". They are real."

Without blinking , or looking up, he snarled:

"well, if i asked my doctor when all my problems started, they would say they all started when you were born!"

and that was all he said.

He stood up, pushed the chair away, shook his lawyers hand and bolted for the door.

We all sat there - mouths gaping wide open.

Stunned.

In shock.

did he just say that?

His lawyer began to apologize profusely, sincerely disturbed by his client's outburst.

What could he say? What could we say?

Our lawyer took me into her office, and gave me a big hug.

"He's just an evil man. In all of my years of practice, i have never seen anything as despicable as this. I am so sorry this had to happen."

I was in shock. My mom was in shock.

We sat in the car, running the scenario over and over in our head for days.

Days turned into weeks. Weeks into months, and then into years.

And then one day, it just happened.

I learned to let go.

I woke up and told myself that he did what he did for some strange alien reason that i would never understand (which turned out to be his psychotic wife who always believed i was out to steal him from her) and that holding a grudge was only poisonous to me. I had to accept and love him nonetheless.

So then i opened the door to forgiveness. Opened the lines to dialogue.

And one day, out of the blue he called. Left a long message on my phone. He had cancer, had beat it, was retired, and looking forward to reconnecting.

And we did, and it was wonderful. Finally, as adults, we were able to talk, laugh. I had my father back in my life again. Not as my father per say, but a wounded man who was happy to reconnect with a young woman he had once loved dearly. A part of him. He a part of me. Associated by blood lines.

Blood is thicker than water.

but after months of spotty correspondence, old patterns re-emerged again. "Yea, we will get together, come up north", but something would always come up.

Here we go again.

I was the 11 year old girl, sitting on the stoop of her front door. Tiny suitcase in had, waiting for dad to pick her up for a nice weekend up north.

he never came

"I forgot..."

I forgave, moved on. Accepted and then let go.

Life went on.

Then one day, the nasty email from facebook.

"I'm entitled to know what is going on because I am your father.."

whaaaatttt???

I wrote back, calmly. Logically, giving all the facts.

His reply, short and sweet. Something about he suffered pain of loneliness, and that certain people and situations kept me away from him.

cryptic.

I moved on, opening the door to dialogue. Besides, i wanted him to be a part of the biggest day of my life. He was still my father. Not a very good one, but still one.

It was pleasant, but that was it. He only came up to me to say goodbye at the end of the night. We laughed, took a few photos and that was it. The joy of the day overshadowed the awkwardness of that final exchange. But I was still happy he came.

Then the lovely email - a day after my honeymoon.

Another kick in the stomach.

Then the news mom's cancer had come back.

Sucker punched again.

wounded and weary, knowing that another boxing mach would begin soon - round x with cancer treatment. Not again, fucken cancer. Can't you stay away?!

so i replied. Trying to be as honest as possible. What did i have to lose anymore?

Dad,

All i can say is that i'm so very sorry that you felt the way you did. It was in no way done to hurt anybody. I was very saddned and very depressed when i got this email a day after my honeymoon. I didn't know what to say - what could I say after all? I think sorry would not be enough...

You know, not having you in the wedding party was such a tough decision. I was very very confused and it caused me many sleepless nights, but please try to see this from my perspective, please try to understand - if things were different in both of our lives and i had to make decisions on how our lives would have turned out - we all would have been a happy family - both mom and dad walking me down the isle, but the reality of it all is that mom has been all alone to raise me all by herself for the past 30 years. I could not make you a bigger part of this wedding without causing her a lot of pain, and because of everything i have seen her go through first hand, and all that she has done for me and seen me go through, i felt it was my way of thanking her for taking care of me and loving me so much. She was involved right from day 1 - driving me to every store in the city, spending late nights with me making the invitations, planning, and all while in between, doing her il2 treatments. Lots of stuff happened so quickly - it seems like i blinked and the day was over.

It was a hard decision but i hope you understand that as an adult, people have to make difficult decisions in their life, and this was one of them...

And the day really went by so quickly - it was hard for me to get to everybody. People were coming up to me to talk, i really wished you had taken a moment, taken me aside and had a nice father/daughter chat, wished me well, and told me how pretty i looked, because every girl wants to hear that from her dad on her special day - regardless of the situation. But I want you to know, that despite the way things turned out, I was so very happy that you came, and yes, i too wish we could have taken some photos together - but you know what? Nobody got family photos. I have none of us with eric's parents or with you or mom, so don't feel left out. Somebody was supposed to be looking out and making sure all of this got done, but it happened. We can't go back in time and change it or be angry because of it.

but alas, things happened the way they happened. We live and move on.

i think there are a lot of unresolved issues - and the wedding was not the place to talk about them. I know we need one on one time so we can really talk. Email is so hard, and not very personal.

In an email long ago, you wrote: Some situations and some people had kept you away from me

what did that mean exactly? I was always there, always waiting, hoping that we could reconnect, and i hope that we still can.

hpk

Mom had her operation. Another hell experience in the hospital. They didn't give her medications to her for 4 days. Prozac, synthroid. Anti depressant and thyroid medication. Two very important meds. She was going through serious withdrawal. You don't come off cold turkey with prozac. It can make you lose your mind.

Seriously...

She was let out of the hospital too early, without any dressing on her 30 inch incision across her belly. No follow up appointments. Nothing.

She got sick, the wound seriously infected. Rushed to the hospital again.

The never-ending saga.

Then a reply.

Mute and dazed, i walked away from the computer. E was away on business and knew that re-reading this would drive me insane. I fwd it to him and waited for his call.

He came back. We talked. I cried, yelled and cried some more.

I had no more strength. Fighting for my mom in the hospital with incompetent and insensitive staff, seeing my poor mother suffer again drained me. And now this.

Thank you for your email.


It still does not change or lighten up my hurt.


I'll make it short, like your comment, "as an ADULT, people have to make difficult decisions in THEIR LIVES and that things happened the way they happened." You certainly made yours.


In closing, I truly wish you and your mate all the best.


Dad.

I guess that was it.

or that is it.

There is no solution to this never ending fight.

He is now dead to me. How anybody can do this to their own child is beyond my comprehension. Grow up old man. You will forever be under the iron thumb of your so called wife. She got you to tie your tubes, she will make you cut the strings with your only daughter.

You are made for each other.

so i try to walk away, not looking back,

not looking back.

“To change skins, evolve into new cycles, I feel one has to learn to discard. If one changes internally, one should not continue to live with the same objects. They reflect one's mind and the psyche of yesterday. I throw away what has no dynamic, living use.”

~Anais Nin