on the horizon

on the horizon
more tests

an MRI
perhaps exploratory surgery


MRI done privately, the doctor expressed concern and said that it was the only way to go

exploratory surgery - if the pain stays this bad, or gets worse, we might have to do it through the ER.

pretty serious.
Medical mystery.

Where is House when you need him ???!

what does it mean?

All tests are back normal.
what does it all mean?
The pain is very real and is not going away.


Onto opinion # 6 this afternoon. So many doctors I've lost count.

Dizzy from the pain meds.
Woken up by the roof guys at 7am.
Sleepless night.



Found out from my friend that she is going back to her home country after 15 years of being in the city. It's sad, because we had that falling out, and she had called a few weeks ago to apologize. But then i got sick and did not get a chance to speak with her. She leaves for two months on Friday, comes back and then moves.

Kinda sad. We had a lot of good times.

I can't help but thinking of when she said: "Girl, we never hang out anymore. When we are 70 and sitting on our balcony knitting, we will say: 'oh we should have hung out more, ran around the city together.' "

and now i'm sad, because it is too late to get those days back. It's too late to go back in time and re-start from scratch. Sure, there is skype, but it's not the same thing. I feel as if I'm loosing not only a best friend, but a part of my family. That a lot of family to lose in one year. Very sad. Sometimes you just have to let go of things that could have been but won't be anymore. Hang on to the good times. That's what I'm doing. At least we had good times.

at least we had those...

A rant to a community

Sore, angry and scared as hell, i posted this onto an online community here in town. I know i'm not the only one. I was not looking for answers, just to vent. But now fear and deeper pain inside of me grows. A long grueling weekend ahead.

Oh yea, E said he got an email from my father. Read the first line and decided not to go on any further. "We don't need this today".

Oh how right he is.

and just like my impending diagnosis, i wait with strained and anxious baited breath to hear what has to be said....

RANT


I just came back from the Royal hospital and it was a nightmare.

First, one of the emergency medical team guys was an arrogant asshole (he was making snide comment, saying that "if you were in that much pain, you would not be smiling..." 

i was just trying to be pleasant cause he was being such a douche...


and then went on to argue with me saying that "fibromyalgia" was not a "real disease" (i have it, and it's hell..), and then doubled over, i see a doctor who does a vague exam, pokes my stomach, as i yelp in pain and then says, "well, everything looks okay, why don't you take a few Tylenol and come back if you vomit or have a fever"  and was shipped out.

No blood tests, no nothing.


The last time I was flippantly discharged like this was 5 years ago after having complications with my gallbladder. The next day, i passed out in the shower, was rushed back to the hospital and was almost in severe kidney failure. Was actually being fast tracked for a transplant. Very serious...

my mom had cancer in her lungs, stomach, lymph nodes. Guess what doc? She didn't have a fever or was vomiting...


but I go back because other people have had good experiences there and all of my specialist are at the Royal V. All my files, blood tests, etc. Easy access especially if you are me with all the things i have going on...


So after this "f*&k you", from Dr. Bitchy, i hobbled over to see my stomach specialist who luckily was in the building. He was in the middle of a marathon colononcopy/gastroscopy session, but took the time to see me anyway. He was flabbergasted that i was not given so much as a blood test. He ordered some and is also setting me up for a CT scan next week. "If i do it through the emerg, you can get it next week. Otherwise you will be waiting months, and in your condition, I don't think that's a good idea..."

But he only does stomachs and i have another lady problem. My gyno said nothing short of "you are wasting my time", did the quickest exam, (I blinked and almost missed it) and brushed me off, despite me almost begging for her to give me any kind of blood test. After some arm twisting, she sent me for an ultrasound.

It's only today that I found out from a friend that she recently misdiagnosed one of her patients - and completely missed the ovarian cancer that was spreading like wildfire.

My GP is only available once a week (and my luck, is now on vacation) and every other walk in clinic i have gone to (don't go to Mount medical. It's a Nightmare!!) is staffed with doctors who are jaded and flippant about their jobs. One actually complained that he was not getting paid enough and did not have a clue why he was still in the medical profession.


Don't get me started on the JGeneral...


I kid you not - when my mom was in the emergency there, I saw a doctor who was yelling, I mean YELLING at the top of his lungs to all the nurses at the station. Serious prima donna temper tantrum. No wonder these poor nurses are burning out!

So is anybody else out there worried about the state of our current medical system?

Is the only way to go private?

http://www.ratemds.com/ has some interesting comments on some of our doctors. I suggest you check it out.

And as you would guess, the private doctors are the ones who actually care about their jobs. Money talks, and apparently in this case, heals too.

But if you don't have the cash...???




I'm sorry if I'm ranting, but I'm sure I'm not the only one with horror stories.

to be clear - I'm NOT LOOKING FOR ANSWERS, just support i guess...

swelling etc...

got to see the doc today - the swelling in my armpits has continued. It comes and goes, but it's been around for a while now. And then, this morning, the swelling under my chin, near my neck.

I have been losing my memory - forgetting little things, words, places, spacing out.

My joints have been aching - something terrible.

And peeing. So much peeing. No burning, just urgency and frequency.

so many symptoms, so many possible diseases.

I'm trying so hard not to think of worst case scenario right now. I don't have the energy, but when i saw the look of concern on my doctor's face this afternoon, i could not help but wonder.

so off to see stomach doc 2mrw, and blood tests for regular doc on friday.

I'm hoping that my vacation next week will be trouble and dire news message free while i am away...

change skins

augh.

I'm throwing up my hands for this one.

It seems like there will be a never-ending who hurt who first cat and mouse game.

I mean hello - the man is 67 years old. Grow the fuck up!

His email was like a kick in the face, transporting me back, 30 years ago when i sat at a table across from him. It was the final settlement of the alimony child support fiasco. I had moved in with my boyfriend, and he and his wife deiced to pay a visit. Turns out it was a fact finding mission, not a friendly drop in - according to my father (through his lawyer), since i was living with somebody now, there was no need to pay child support. So he began the process of claiming that he was going to sue me for all the back child support/alimony payments.

it was ugly - even more disgusting than the divorce. I was 20 years old, just recovering from a severe breakdown, sitting in front of a man who called himself my father. His eyes dead, black, not the brown i had remembered them to be.

Back room discussions between lawyers finally ironed things out.

He would continue with the original agreement as stipulated in the divorce papers 19 years ago. Child support until my 21st birthday.

As our lawyers passed around the papers to be signed, i passed him a paper with all the names of my current doctors. Three psychiatrist, an endocrinologist, gynecologist and a general doctor all agreeing that i was in fact, suffering from a severe hormonal imbalance, and severe Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PPMD) and manic depression. My "fits of crying and depression" were not in my head, and were not tools to "manipulate" him into giving me more money. They were real.

I said this, pointing to the list of doctors and their phone numbers.

"every one of them said you can call them for details. Every one of them said they would be happy to explain all of this to you. My problems are not "in my head". They are real."

Without blinking , or looking up, he snarled:

"well, if i asked my doctor when all my problems started, they would say they all started when you were born!"

and that was all he said.

He stood up, pushed the chair away, shook his lawyers hand and bolted for the door.

We all sat there - mouths gaping wide open.

Stunned.

In shock.

did he just say that?

His lawyer began to apologize profusely, sincerely disturbed by his client's outburst.

What could he say? What could we say?

Our lawyer took me into her office, and gave me a big hug.

"He's just an evil man. In all of my years of practice, i have never seen anything as despicable as this. I am so sorry this had to happen."

I was in shock. My mom was in shock.

We sat in the car, running the scenario over and over in our head for days.

Days turned into weeks. Weeks into months, and then into years.

And then one day, it just happened.

I learned to let go.

I woke up and told myself that he did what he did for some strange alien reason that i would never understand (which turned out to be his psychotic wife who always believed i was out to steal him from her) and that holding a grudge was only poisonous to me. I had to accept and love him nonetheless.

So then i opened the door to forgiveness. Opened the lines to dialogue.

And one day, out of the blue he called. Left a long message on my phone. He had cancer, had beat it, was retired, and looking forward to reconnecting.

And we did, and it was wonderful. Finally, as adults, we were able to talk, laugh. I had my father back in my life again. Not as my father per say, but a wounded man who was happy to reconnect with a young woman he had once loved dearly. A part of him. He a part of me. Associated by blood lines.

Blood is thicker than water.

but after months of spotty correspondence, old patterns re-emerged again. "Yea, we will get together, come up north", but something would always come up.

Here we go again.

I was the 11 year old girl, sitting on the stoop of her front door. Tiny suitcase in had, waiting for dad to pick her up for a nice weekend up north.

he never came

"I forgot..."

I forgave, moved on. Accepted and then let go.

Life went on.

Then one day, the nasty email from facebook.

"I'm entitled to know what is going on because I am your father.."

whaaaatttt???

I wrote back, calmly. Logically, giving all the facts.

His reply, short and sweet. Something about he suffered pain of loneliness, and that certain people and situations kept me away from him.

cryptic.

I moved on, opening the door to dialogue. Besides, i wanted him to be a part of the biggest day of my life. He was still my father. Not a very good one, but still one.

It was pleasant, but that was it. He only came up to me to say goodbye at the end of the night. We laughed, took a few photos and that was it. The joy of the day overshadowed the awkwardness of that final exchange. But I was still happy he came.

Then the lovely email - a day after my honeymoon.

Another kick in the stomach.

Then the news mom's cancer had come back.

Sucker punched again.

wounded and weary, knowing that another boxing mach would begin soon - round x with cancer treatment. Not again, fucken cancer. Can't you stay away?!

so i replied. Trying to be as honest as possible. What did i have to lose anymore?

Dad,

All i can say is that i'm so very sorry that you felt the way you did. It was in no way done to hurt anybody. I was very saddned and very depressed when i got this email a day after my honeymoon. I didn't know what to say - what could I say after all? I think sorry would not be enough...

You know, not having you in the wedding party was such a tough decision. I was very very confused and it caused me many sleepless nights, but please try to see this from my perspective, please try to understand - if things were different in both of our lives and i had to make decisions on how our lives would have turned out - we all would have been a happy family - both mom and dad walking me down the isle, but the reality of it all is that mom has been all alone to raise me all by herself for the past 30 years. I could not make you a bigger part of this wedding without causing her a lot of pain, and because of everything i have seen her go through first hand, and all that she has done for me and seen me go through, i felt it was my way of thanking her for taking care of me and loving me so much. She was involved right from day 1 - driving me to every store in the city, spending late nights with me making the invitations, planning, and all while in between, doing her il2 treatments. Lots of stuff happened so quickly - it seems like i blinked and the day was over.

It was a hard decision but i hope you understand that as an adult, people have to make difficult decisions in their life, and this was one of them...

And the day really went by so quickly - it was hard for me to get to everybody. People were coming up to me to talk, i really wished you had taken a moment, taken me aside and had a nice father/daughter chat, wished me well, and told me how pretty i looked, because every girl wants to hear that from her dad on her special day - regardless of the situation. But I want you to know, that despite the way things turned out, I was so very happy that you came, and yes, i too wish we could have taken some photos together - but you know what? Nobody got family photos. I have none of us with eric's parents or with you or mom, so don't feel left out. Somebody was supposed to be looking out and making sure all of this got done, but it happened. We can't go back in time and change it or be angry because of it.

but alas, things happened the way they happened. We live and move on.

i think there are a lot of unresolved issues - and the wedding was not the place to talk about them. I know we need one on one time so we can really talk. Email is so hard, and not very personal.

In an email long ago, you wrote: Some situations and some people had kept you away from me

what did that mean exactly? I was always there, always waiting, hoping that we could reconnect, and i hope that we still can.

hpk

Mom had her operation. Another hell experience in the hospital. They didn't give her medications to her for 4 days. Prozac, synthroid. Anti depressant and thyroid medication. Two very important meds. She was going through serious withdrawal. You don't come off cold turkey with prozac. It can make you lose your mind.

Seriously...

She was let out of the hospital too early, without any dressing on her 30 inch incision across her belly. No follow up appointments. Nothing.

She got sick, the wound seriously infected. Rushed to the hospital again.

The never-ending saga.

Then a reply.

Mute and dazed, i walked away from the computer. E was away on business and knew that re-reading this would drive me insane. I fwd it to him and waited for his call.

He came back. We talked. I cried, yelled and cried some more.

I had no more strength. Fighting for my mom in the hospital with incompetent and insensitive staff, seeing my poor mother suffer again drained me. And now this.

Thank you for your email.


It still does not change or lighten up my hurt.


I'll make it short, like your comment, "as an ADULT, people have to make difficult decisions in THEIR LIVES and that things happened the way they happened." You certainly made yours.


In closing, I truly wish you and your mate all the best.


Dad.

I guess that was it.

or that is it.

There is no solution to this never ending fight.

He is now dead to me. How anybody can do this to their own child is beyond my comprehension. Grow up old man. You will forever be under the iron thumb of your so called wife. She got you to tie your tubes, she will make you cut the strings with your only daughter.

You are made for each other.

so i try to walk away, not looking back,

not looking back.

“To change skins, evolve into new cycles, I feel one has to learn to discard. If one changes internally, one should not continue to live with the same objects. They reflect one's mind and the psyche of yesterday. I throw away what has no dynamic, living use.”

~Anais Nin

despite it all...

despite it all, she said the following:

"I told B that I would get better just to spite the system and this f*&ing hospital!"

More nightmare scenarios (but not as bad as two aprils ago), but still pretty shitty.

She's dealing with shingles to top it all off.

but she's not giving up.

My God. This woman is beyond amazing.

She's unsinkable and unstoppable!

My mom.

My Idol.

speaking of unstoppable -

from a friend who overheard something somewhere during the night of the big event:

(in-between the speeches (and there were only two - the groom and the best man...):

All these speeches, it's as if you don't exist.

Yep.

Father's new wife.

Isn't she a peach?!

So it seems like a nasty comment turned into a discussion on their way back home which turned into the nasty email he sent me, one day back after my honeymoon.

That fucken woman is pure evil.

Remember, she's the one who MADE my father have a vasectomy. Something she was very proud to share with me after the fact.

Evil evil evil.

Poison.

Out out out.

For once and for all, I will try to walk away from this and other people who try to pry their way into my life. The unwanted brood.

You can't hurt me anymore.

I won't let you...

gadgets for motivation

2 miles today with my new toy and shoes.

Run was good, but shoes were not.

Got them on sale, but i think somebody wore them before me, cause when I took them off, the left foot at the cuff was pulling to the right - the inside of the shoe. It was pretty obvious when i took them off. No wonder I was having sharp pains on the inside of my right knee.

Will bring them back to the store with a disclaimer: "Check your shoes before you re-sell them".

Bastards.

Think I'll pony up the extra $ to get a NEW pair.

Looking forward to more runs, perhaps I'll try outside cause inside on the treadmill is too easy...

anchor

I have not been here in a while

when we were going through my g.mother's things yesterday, we came across her journal. She kept one right till the end. I guess that runs in my family. Grandfather loved to write, so did she, and here i am, fingers dancing on keyboard . A word is a word is a word. I find comfort in that.

this is my anchor.

Like memories, Words never really go away.

the following is a letter to a friend who is on the other side of the ocean, with family, friends and her home.

I hope that you are home - having a wonderful time, taking in the nordic air, taking a dip in the ocean, knowing your life is complete and on the right track without the ghosts of the past, one in particular perhaps very near where you are...

Well, on my side of the ocean, just got back from the clinic.
they are so full of shit. ONLY one problem at a time is their thing. The doctor turned up her nose when I told her about my pit - so my stomach took priority, meanwhile, my armpit is going numb and the scope traveling up and down my arm and into my breast. I go for a mamo 2mrw but won't get the results for weeks...

so had to fork out 200 for bloods (that's plus the 100 for the ultrasound on friday, plus the 250 from three weeks ago for those bloods that found nothing...)

I'm falling apart,


And it's so weird knowing my grandmother is gone. Mom said :

"Funny, it's like we expected her to be around forever - we almost forgot that she was almost 90!!" 

But it's still weird. I know you know what i mean...

We had a nice dinner - my mom, her friend b and e - remembered the qirky things about her - how she liked to keep stacks (and i mean stacks) of napkins "just in case". WW2 remnants of that mentality. 

And how she used to pencil in her eyebrows like huge arcs over her eyes. 

How I was her special granddaughter - the first. 

And how my doing my greek impressions she would always laugh and laugh. 

I wish I had a chance to talk to her one last time...

She said a few things to the nurses a few days before - "How will I know my daughter (m - her daughter who died of cancer last year) if I won't have a body.?" and when asked if she needed some Myoflex for her joints, she said "I won't need it where I'll be going..."

Funny how they just know.

Did she give up? Or just give in ? we will never know...

The hardest will be on thurs for the viewing. and then the funeral on friday.
Mom will fall apart more or less depending on what she finds out wedensday. God I hope to high heaven that the cancer has not come back, let alone spread...


I am going to nap. Round two with my eye doc at 2:30pm to see if I'm losing my sight and/or will need surgery.

It's snowing here - big fluffy flakes.

just when we thought spring was finally here, the sky opens up and cries soft tears...

a letter to a friend...

today, feeling so very vulnerable - a letter to a brilliant photographer and kindred spirit...


Hey R,
Thanks so much for touching base with me. I was really happy when you did - every little email goes a long way to help bring me out of the slump I have fallen into. I'm sure you put two and two together when I made that comment on your photo "speed limit"...

So how have you been?
well, my health - it's so up and down. I had a horrible dream that the doctor's office called to tell me I have cervical cancer - I know, a dream is just a dream, but still shook me up enough to haunt me for the past two days. Guess it's that my mom's 3 month PET scan is coming up - and next week, she gets the results. Perhaps I'm projecting, imagining what it would be like to be in her shoes, and it's not pretty. It blows my mind to see how strong she is and has been through this whole thing. I don't think I have even 1/100 of her guts as I find myself falling apart at the seams on a regular basis.

So I had this procedure to scrape off the pre-cancerous cells from my cervix. Not a huge operation - done in office, but it still was a medical procedure along with needles and lots of industrial medical device noise. Thought I was hemorrhaging last week when all of the sudden, the bleeding got worse. Had to go back to the same doc to see what was up. I don't imagine that a prostate exam is any walk in the park, but for a woman to be lying down, legs spread open to the world is perhaps one of the most vulnerable places to be - physically and mentally.
Not a pretty place at all...

so it wasn't hemorrhaging, but a part of the healing process. My body was not happy - i guess the trauma had shaken everything up cause I felt sicker and achier, more emotionally vulnerable and volatile (on top of my bipolar which seems not to be managed very well lately). Shaken, not stirred - and ready to pop. So it's been really hard on me, not to mention everybody else around me.

I have seemed to abandoned photography and flickr. Funny, the thing that I used to save me in times of pain and fear has now turned into pain and fear. I once told somebody that manic depression is a mental cancer. Now that I reflect upon it again, it feels so much to be true. It's always there, can be manageable, but when it comes back, it's usually full force - relentless in its erosion of anything healthy - thoughts, hopes, dreams.

sorry to ramble on like this.
I sit here contemplating whether to delete this chunk of email or not, but perhaps in exposing these demons, I can begin to understand them and keep them from overtaking my life...

I see your photos and each and every one of them transports me to another world. You have a signature style, but no two images are even remotely alike. A quiet, yet profound maturity - a weathered soul with wisdom and insight garnered through years of hardship and joy. You really have such a gift, and in allowing the viewer to suspend their connection with their own present state, and enter yours through your photography, there truly is a healing element in that. I thank you for letting me heal through your images.