scan me till i glow

scan me till i glow


Wednesday MRI
reports to be sent to (let me count...1...2...3..4)

4 different doctors, all on the case of this mystery diagnosis.

The pain is still there. I was doubled over with it last night after e was kind enough to take me to have a nice dinner.

Painkillers last night - kept me up until 6am. Got up at 11am with extreme nausea.
Side effect of the meds.

Next step - PET scan?
Exploratory surgery?
That will be fun - two different doctors from two different specialties. Tag team scrub in. I hope they don't keep me open for too long. Last time i had surgery, i was on a fast track for a kidney transplant, bled out like a spigot.

Must tell the doctors: "i'm a bleeder"...

swelling etc...

got to see the doc today - the swelling in my armpits has continued. It comes and goes, but it's been around for a while now. And then, this morning, the swelling under my chin, near my neck.

I have been losing my memory - forgetting little things, words, places, spacing out.

My joints have been aching - something terrible.

And peeing. So much peeing. No burning, just urgency and frequency.

so many symptoms, so many possible diseases.

I'm trying so hard not to think of worst case scenario right now. I don't have the energy, but when i saw the look of concern on my doctor's face this afternoon, i could not help but wonder.

so off to see stomach doc 2mrw, and blood tests for regular doc on friday.

I'm hoping that my vacation next week will be trouble and dire news message free while i am away...

if no news is good news, then new news is bad news.

the cancer is back.

There is a growth in her stomach and we are meeting with her surgeon on tuesday to see what the next step will be.

her oncologist wants it removed pronto.

She is worried that she will have to take more time off work, which is not a good thing.

We are all floored.

What happened?

The other tumors had disappeared.

And then this?

The doctor thinks that the prednazone she was taking for her rheumatoid arthritis (an immune system suppressant) might have compromised the il2 treatment (which was an immune system booster)

why why why

this is not fucken fair.

the scariest thing

excerpt from a letter to a friend, freeform...

i saw firsthand the side effects of IL2 treatment and it feaked me the fuck out.

I'm so shaken, i can't close my eyes...

20 minutes after her dose, mom began to shake - i mean almost grand mal-like seizures. Apparently the body goes into septic shock. And apparently, this bout was not bad. Last week, she was shaking the bed. Two nurses had to hold her down lest she fell out and onto the floor.

she writhed in pain - moaning and shaking. All I could do was stroke her hair and shoulder and keep on repeating :"I'm here mom. It will all be okay..."

will it?

She was admitted monday night, and they didn't start treatment until today - thursday.

That's a long time to wait. She's fed up, exhausted and wanting this to be over.

she doesn't think she'll make it to # 3.

The more she gets, the better her chances are for getting rid of this thing forever.

2 is not a good number. The doctor wants 8.

minimum...

I'm so overwhelmed.

Have been swinging up and down - manic to depressed, but a more desperate depressed and manic. I'm afraid I'm going to hurt the cats in a fit of uncontrollable rage, throw my computer out the window (those invitations. I'm sick that they are not working out...) but most of all, myself.

I stood on my balcony today - warm and sunny. Spring is finally here.

But the urge to dive to the cement below head first was almost overpowering.

They are becoming more and more frequent. 

I'm slowly losing control.

But nobody believes me. Nobody who knows me now believes me. They didn't see me 20 years ago, when out of desperation, trying to stop the voices, dangerous rage and abyss of depression allowed me to fly into oncoming traffic - arms spread, eyes closed, willing to give away my life to the air.

what happened?

Somebody saw me.

I was saved.

times like this, i wish I had not been noticed...

lotsa things

so on friday, mom got the news:

all clear!

We couldn't believe our ears - was this possible? Did the treatment really work??! Could it be?

Well, according to her doc, the cancer is gone, and they are going to do a backup round of IL2 just to be on the safe side; like antibiotics, you have to do the whole treatment even if you feel better -just to be on the safe side..

but oh what a releif!!

But oddly enough, the first thing that went through my mind is: now it's our of her body, who's body will it enter into next?

how horrible is that?

I'm really working hard on changing my thinking patterns - but after a year of exhausting emotional roller coaster rides, it's easy for the mind and spirit to slip into dark murky waters. 

but for now, she's in the clear.

and i'm planning my wedding in June!

Lots of little things to do add up to a big to-do list, but i'm trying to take it all in stride so far. I never thought it would be so complicated (least complicated being eloping), but i have a feeling it will all work out in the end, as things always seem to.

so on that note, i'm taking a well deserved little rest for a while - to reflect, reconnect and rebuild for the future and for my sanity!

(and Jal: ;-) xoxo)

the storm before the storm

things have been happening at lightening pace - many good things, but too many bad things as well...

mom is going in for round two of treatment, and the first one was so brutal, it makes me weep thinking about how hard it was for her.

I'm not sure how much longer I can last - this front of calm and strength.

The foundations are already cracked - the storm is coming. Flood waters rising...

my own health is going down the tubes. I fear that I might be developing a heart arrhythmia. I don't want to involve my mother in this. She is having enough of a hard time with life now.

It just keeps coming.
And it does not stop.

but either it will, or my body, or I will.

Or my will to fight it all.