Friday, April 03, 2009

the scariest thing

excerpt from a letter to a friend, freeform...



i saw firsthand the side effects of IL2 treatment and it feaked me the fuck out.
I'm so shaken, i can't close my eyes...

20 minutes after her dose, mom began to shake - i mean almost grand mal-like seizures. Apparently the body goes into septic shock. And apparently, this bout was not bad. Last week, she was shaking the bed. Two nurses had to hold her down lest she fell out and onto the floor.

she writhed in pain - moaning and shaking. All I could do was stroke her hair and shoulder and keep on repeating :"I'm here mom. It will all be okay..."

will it?

She was admitted monday night, and they didn't start treatment until today - thursday.
That's a long time to wait. She's fed up, exhausted and wanting this to be over.


she doesn't think she'll make it to # 3.

The more she gets, the better her chances are for getting rid of this thing forever.

2 is not a good number. The doctor wants 8.

minimum...

I'm so overwhelmed.
Have been swinging up and down - manic to depressed, but a more desperate depressed and manic. I'm afraid I'm going to hurt the cats in a fit of uncontrollable rage, throw my computer out the window (those invitations. I'm sick that they are not working out...) but most of all, myself.

I stood on my balcony today - warm and sunny. Spring is finally here.
But the urge to dive to the cement below head first was almost overpowering.

They are becoming more and more frequent. 
I'm slowly losing control.

But nobody believes me. Nobody who knows me now believes me. They didn't see me 20 years ago, when out of desperation, trying to stop the voices, dangerous rage and abyss of depression allowed me to fly into oncoming traffic - arms spread, eyes closed, willing to give away my life to the air.

what happened?
Somebody saw me.
I was saved.

times like this, i wish I had not been noticed...

2 comments:

Anjolie said...

it's scary isn't it?
when you've been there before...
when you took that step or those pills or...
so you know
you could do it again because
you did it before

people don't believe because
people believe what they want to believe
i believe you even though
i wish it wasn't so

keep reaching out
you're not alone

hellophotokitty said...

Thank you my dear - this poem really strikes at the heart of all that i've gone through and continue to do so. It is a real comfort to know that I am not alone.

xoox