ocd for u and me

Saw a doc today.
out of the university - will be part of a study program.
psychiatrists in training.

Doctor: "I run a tight ship. Everybody goes through rigorous training, and all meetings are reviewed with the supervisors who then give their notes on the following meetings with you. Don't worry. You will be getting the help that you need..."

She was so very nice.
i felt like she really understood me.

"I know this can't be easy, it impacts your life, keeps you from moving forward. We will be here to help you, help you find answers..."

They had a bipolar expert, PhD, MD on staff, but he is on sabbatical.
"But that's alright. We will find you a match - as close to perfect as we can..."

Huge sigh of relief.

I was on a waiting list since March 2010 for one other hospital.
"We will call you in July for an appointment for an assessment"

September rolls around. I call.
"It won't be before the end of October, but that does not guarantee you will get into the CBT clinic. Just so you know..."

Thank you. Not...

So at the other end of the city, my weekly commute will take almost an hour, but if i can be seen by somebody who cares, and perhaps, out of my misery and fucked up state of mind, will be able to care for somebody else who they will come across in their future practice who will have an equally fucked up state of mind, then all of this is a blessing.

Last night - restless. Bed bugs in my brain. Syphoning the logic out of every logical though, so that all was left was a infected irrational thought, poisoned, and throbbing, infected and disgusting.

Today, the sun alternating with the grey clouds kept me on my toes. Will it rain? Shall I dash for cover?
Oh, nope. The sun is coming out again.
Run into the light, bask in the warmth.

Walking out of the old world campus, tall turn of the century buildings standing like wise old professors over this young new pupil, head filled with glorious and grandiose ideas, silently guiding her along the path of self discovery and enlightenment.

***

I have my first swim lesson 2mrw.
Not so much a lesson as a perfection of techniques.
Want to feel efficient in the water again - a time when my strokes were effortless, poetic and fluid.

Looking forward to finding my equilibrium again, in the water and on land as well...

in/out

so in less than 12 hours, a new decade will be upon us.

We will be entering a whole new era.
I know that this will be the moment for me to become the "mover and shaker" that i'm meant to be.


Last night, 2am, i had a vision for a multi disciplinary art project.

3am, more ideas. Had to fumble around to find post it notes in the dark.

4am, got up and emptied my head. It felt good. So very good.

For once, i have a sense of purpose and direction. Lucid and aware, the fog has lifted just in time to ring in the new year.


Spent the weekend with E and mom in Vermont. It was truly lovely. We shopped until we almost dropped and feasted on taste bud quivering French cuisine. The drive back, in the dark, slippery roads and blowing snow, we laughed and sang, grooving to the bee gees. Our little family.

So to now shut down for the last night of 2009, the decade steeped in crap but at the same time graciously spotted with glorious glory, i wish you all a wonderful New Year's celebration, and may this new decade be filled with happiness, health and the "big break" we are all waiting for.

I know it's out there.

In with the new, out with the old!

I can't see out of this foggy mess right now...

My daily om says...

December 22, 2009 Fog Coming out of a Haze When we feel muddled and unfocused, unsure of which way to turn, we say we are in a fog. Similar to when we are in a fog in nature, we may feel like we can’t see where we’re going or where we’ve come from, and we’re afraid if we move too quickly we might run into something hidden in the mists that seem to surround us. Being in a fog necessarily slows us down by limiting our visibility. The best choice may be to pull over and wait for the murkiness to clear. If we move at all, we must go slowly, feeling our way and keeping our eyes open for shapes emerging from the haze, perhaps relying on the taillights of someone in front of us as we make our way along the road. By and large, most of us prefer to be able to see where we are going and move steadfastly in that direction, but there are gifts that come from being in a fog. Sometimes it takes an obstacle like fog to get us to stop and be still in the moment, doing nothing. In this moment of involuntary inactivity, we may look within and find that the source of our fogginess is inside us; it could be some emotional issue that needs tending before we can safely go full steam ahead. Being in a fog reminds us that when we cannot see outside ourselves, we can always make progress by looking within. Then again, the fog may simply be teaching us important lessons about how to continue moving forward with extreme caution, harnessing our attention, watching closely for new information, and being ready to stop on a dime. We cannot predict when a fog will come, nor can we know for certain when it will lift, but we can center ourselves in the haze and wait for guidance. We may find it inside ourselves or in a pair of barely visible taillights just ahead. Whether we follow the lights out of the fog, wait for a gentle breeze to lift it, or allow the sun to burn it away, we can rest certain that one way or another, we will move forward with clarity once again.

we will move forward with clarity once again.




indeed we will...

what i am, what i am not

Today, I feel fragile and worn.

Despite the wonderful news that I was 3rd place winner at the Art Festival in the Ukraine. Pretty damn impressive for something that i was not even going to enter.

They found me.
They liked my stuff.

I am a photographer.


Got another email from an arts company in NYC. They seem like a "vanity agent" - pay us 1000$ and we will put you in our arts magazine. I wrote to Bob in NYC. He's the man in the know and i know he has my back. I will wait on his advice before moving in on this offer.

I am not (that) gullible.

While posting my last batch of images on flickr, i found myself editing each shot. Don't put this one, it's not flattering. Don't add that one, your stomach looks like a soggy bunched up sheet of flesh. This one is too dark, too much grain and the blacks look muddy. Judgment is my biggest enemy.

I am a perfectionist.

A link from a fellow flickr self portrait artist threw the monkey wrench in my "best laid plans for accepting myself". It's 3am and still not sleepy. More wired than anything else, and when i'm wired, the buzzards swoop down into my grey matter and pluck at the veins that feed blood to my brain.

I'm not accepting sleep as an option.

E said that this latest series is one of my best. Sam on flickr also said the same thing: "You have reached a pinnacle of sort with your art". Wow. That is very cool. I am very happy.

I am learning to accept compliments.

So best laid plans led astray. Best intentions run amok. Self image out the window. The girl must not be more than 21. Her body, svelte, skin taut across her flat belly and perky breasts. No droop or stretch here. She was interviewed in a magazine that is an erotica online one. Very tasteful, but catering and by the under 30 group. Mostly women in this issue. And she is one of them. Her photographs are pretty. Moody lighting, sensual poses and come hither expressions. I'm jealous of her beauty, her youth, her ability to have the self confidence to show herself so boldly. What happened to me?

I am not jealous.

I am lying to myself.

What happened? Life happened. Cancer happened. Death happened. Mental illness happened. Why would a gallery owner in the heart of the New York City gallery district believe so completely in my self portraits? Because they are real. Not plastic, not fake, not perfectly staged. This must be my mantra. Realization of what the most important things in life are. I longed to be in his gallery, and two years ago, i marched on in with nothing but my big city set of balls and a few prints. That was good.

I am learning to take what is important and make that more important than the unimportant stuff.

I will not stop photographing myself.

I will become more forgiving of myself.

I will unconditionally love myself as i am.

I will not let them get me down.

what i am and what i am not
what i will and will not do




...

Perhaps...

The pain is excurciating.
If i didn't know any better, i would say that i was absolutely certain that something inside of my head, growing, expanding, squeezing out my brain, soon to spill out of the corners of my eyes, pour through from my nostrils, and push through my ears - will evolve from a rolling rumble into a trembling scream.

Perhaps it is this:

Perhaps for some people, in order to first find their passion they need to suffer, just to uncover what is of prime importance, and then the suffering itself can create emotional energy i.e. passion, which then fuels their work. 
~ Margot Hattingh


After a long talk with sis, sister of sis, and mr. fyst, i discovered that within myself stands a confused little girl, wanting everything in the candy store but not enough money to buy it all...


Or can i put it all on a store credit?


There is an inner torment. Twitches of regret for not having moved forward in leaps and bounds from many yesterdays. Disappointment in not having moved from wanting to doing. Yes, i have accomplished a lot in the past few years, but am i happy? Why not? Will i ever be?


Art is indeed suffering. The evidence is in my latest series of images. But i need to transcend that. I need to make my art something profitable. Something viable. At the same time, i need to stay true to the very essence that makes my work different from everybody around me. Unique from everybody else who wants to be a photographer, filmmaker, a writer. I know it's there inside of me somewhere.


As I stumble around like a newborn calf, rubber legs and wet from the womb, my eyes slowly adjust to the new feelings inside of me. One apprehensive step in front of the other turns into a trot, then soon, a gallop. Body free, mind at ease, the future - an open meadow.


Right now, the ground is moist from the morning humidity of uncertainty.
Eyes slowly adjusting to the possibilities of tomorrow, and learning not to fear today.

Mr. Fyst, you were right...

Mr. Arty, you were right. The painter man was spooked out by death. Wrote me a long email explaining what happened with his mother when he was small - came close to the big D word. Flipped him out. Then one of his best friend's sister died. He loved them to bits, but still could not bring himself to the funeral. Says he still beats himself up for it, has tried to change his character but can't seem to do it. Change his attitude that is.

Up until my grandmother died last March, it had been a long time in between deaths. The last one being my best friend who offed himself in a hotel room. I wept for days, then off and on for weeks, then off and on for months. Even to this day, I still shed a tear.

I mourn the loss of one of the best friends I have ever had, mourn the loss of the possibilities for him, the lives he could have touched. The world would have been a better place with him still in it, but on the flip side, when he was on this earth, so many people were touched by his life, love and laughter, and i was one of the privileged.


I remember seeing his ashes in a beautiful burgundy box on the altar of a small chapel. Our gang sat around it - 5 on either side. His cegep family, and his blood family. Back then, the idea of cremation freaked me out; but today, my grandmother's ashes is right beside our wedding picture. She could not make it in person, but at least she was there in spirit. Technically, she is here in person, but in a different and smaller more compact version...

So that closed door is now re-opened. Happy about that, but i tread with caution. I have begun to guard myself, but begun to question wether i must now lower my expectations of my friends and their behavior and what i will accept as "acceptable behavior".

Still now word from She. Not even a  "well, bitch, if that's the way you feel, fuck you", which is what i expected. At at least that. Latest post on fb says that she's going on vacation. Posted on somebody else's post that "I'm sick too and nobody is taking care of me!"

well girl, you made your bed, now lie in it...

but it still hurts, and it hurts my attitude towards my art and myself.

I looked at my latest frame series. Not a lot of activity on it. Received one private message that said it was brilliant - and i had reached a new pinnacle in my creativity.

Really?

why does it feel like i am rotting inside? Why do i feel as if I am slipping away?

but anyway.
The hurt will eventually turn to annoyance, and from that, minor irritation. There will be a scab, but to heal entirely, i must avoid picking at it. That is why i have removed her from my news feed. Removed all her old emails from my inbox, put them into a folder called: "I don't care anymore".

Same with my father. E and i are drafting the final email. His attention span is the size of a pin head, so being concise is key. Looking for a one two punch. Then walking away from the fight for good.

It's windy outside, snow rolling by like ice capped waves. Snow. That used to equal skiing. Father and daughter time on the slopes. And that was lots of fun. But in order to move on, i must forge new memories, new experiences.

one step at a time. One hill at a time.

So mr. Fyst - you were right, as I knew you would be. I felt the same way and knew that A was a kind heart, yet tormented soul, but for the others? Well, they have their own demons to wrestle with, but there is a difference between being self centered and centering the self.

onward and upward. On the page and onto the screen our words will go.

this could not have come at a better time...

This is a brilliant post by the amazing actress Glenn Close.

I thank her for writing this.

it needed to be said, and i could not have imagined of a better time than today to stumble up this.

Mental illness and I are no strangers.
From Alex Forrest in Fatal Attraction to Blanche Dubois in A Streetcar Named Desire to Norma Desmond in Andrew Lloyd Weber's Sunset Boulevard, I've had the challenge -- and the privilege -- of playing characters who have deep psychological wounds. Some people think that Alex is a borderline personality. I think Blanche suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder and everyone knows that Norma is delusional.

I also have the challenge of confronting the far less entertaining reality of mental illness in my own family. As I've written and spoken about before, my sister suffers from a bipolar disorder and my nephew from schizoaffective disorder. There has, in fact, been a lot of depression and alcoholism in my family and, traditionally, no one ever spoke about it. It just wasn't done. The stigma is toxic. And, like millions of others who live with mental illness in their families, I've seen what they endure: the struggle of just getting through the day, and the hurt caused every time someone casually describes someone as "crazy," "nuts," or "psycho".

Even as the medicine and therapy for mental health disorders have made remarkable progress, the ancient social stigma of psychological illness remains largely intact. Families are loath to talk about it and, in movies and the media, stereotypes about the mentally ill still reign.

Whether it is Norman Bates in Psycho, Jack Torrance in The Shining, or Kathy Bates' portrayal of Annie Wilkes in Misery, scriptwriters invariably tell us that the mentally ill are dangerous threats who must be contained, if not destroyed. It makes for thrilling entertainment.

There are some notable exceptions, of course -- Dustin Hoffman in Rainman, or Russell Crowe's portrayal of John Nash in A Beautiful Mind. But more often than not, the movie or TV version of someone suffering from a mental disorder is a sociopath who must be stopped.
Alex Forrest is considered by most people to be evil incarnate. People still come up to me saying how much she terrified them. Yet in my research into her behavior, I only ended up empathizing with her. She was a human being in great psychological pain who definitely needed meds. I consulted with several psychiatrists to better understand the "whys" of what she did and learned that she was far more dangerous to herself than to others.

The original ending of Fatal Attraction actually had Alex commit suicide. But that didn't "test" well. Alex had terrified the audiences and they wanted her punished for it. A tortured and self-destructive Alex was too upsetting. She had to be blown away.

So, we went back and shot the now famous bathroom scene. A knife was put into Alex's hand, making her a dangerous psychopath. When the wife shot her in self-defense, the audience was given catharsis through bloodshed -- Alex's blood. And everyone felt safe again.

The ending worked. It was thrilling and the movie was a big hit. But it sent a misleading message about the reality of mental illness.

It is an odd paradox that a society, which can now speak openly and unabashedly about topics that were once unspeakable, still remains largely silent when it comes to mental illness. This month, for example, NFL players are rumbling onto the field in pink cleats and sweatbands to raise awareness about breast cancer. On December 1st, World AIDS Day will engage political and health care leaders from every part of the globe. Illnesses that were once discussed only in hushed tones are now part of healthy conversation and activism.

Yet when it comes to bipolar disorder, post-traumatic stress, schizophrenia or depression, an uncharacteristic coyness takes over. We often say nothing. The mentally ill frighten and embarrass us. And so we marginalize the people who most need our acceptance.

What mental health needs is more sunlight, more candor, more unashamed conversation about illnesses that affect not only individuals, but their families as well. Our society ought to understand that many people with mental illness, given the right treatment, can be full participants in our society. Anyone who doubts it ought to listen to Kay Redfield Jamison, a psychiatry professor at Johns Hopkins, vividly describe her own battles with bipolar disorder.

Over the last year, I have worked with some visionary groups to start BringChange2Mind.org, an organization that strives to inspire people to start talking openly about mental illness, to break through the silence and fear. We have the support of every major, American mental health organization and numerous others.

I have no illusions that BringChange2Mind.org is a cure for mental illness. Yet I am sure it will help us along the road to understanding and constructive dialogue. It will help deconstruct and eliminate stigma.

The World Health Organization (WHO) estimates that by the year 2020 mental illness will be the second leading cause of death and disability. Every society will have to confront the issue. The question is, will we face it with open honesty or silence?

three month window of light opens a little wider

we saw mom's doc last week, just for an update.

no scan, no results, just preparation and more rendez-vous.

but as she said: "I now have until mid November to not worry about things. As of today, the window stays open a little longer, even if only for a little while."

i'm hoping that it will stay open for many many years to come.

The three month window of light opens a little wider.

I really like that sentence.

It's so simply, but the meaning is so profound in so many many ways...

fresh strawberries, wine, moonlight. Perfect way to ease the uneasiness of transition and uncertainty

It doesn't help that facebook has this horrible 3x4 inch screen to see what you are typing into,and that i'm trying to uncross my eyes from the experience...

this was a nice exchange.

and sometimes,you will find joy and love in the smallest of places...

Big A

this is internet for idiots

10:44pmhpk

i agree. but i just cant shake feeling all vulnerable and soggy

10:45pm

Big A

well like I said facebook is for people looking for something to complain about and show how pityfull their real lives are

10:45pm

hpk

indeed, but for some of us, it

10:45pm

Big A

I'm not saying all

10:45pm

hpk

it's about sharing..

maybe i share too much...

10:46pm

Big A

but 98% are morons

10:46pm

hpk

let me thro something at you

10:46pm

Big A

ok

10:46pm

hpk

just suppose...

10:46pm

Big A

ok

10:46pm

hpk

hypothetical brainstorm

10:46pm

Big A

oh oh

10:46pm

hpk

i was doing some writing last night - figuring out shit, and came across this book,

it was about "finding your purpose in life" and that stuff i like to read sometimes.

but this time

unlike other times when i would just delve into the pages with such hunger for knowledge

i dropped the book as if it was on fire, and felt sick to my stomach...

and what ran through my head was

"why am i so afraid of finding out my calling?"

you know - purpose of being here?

it was so strong, i could not shake it...

when i was younger, i wanted to change the world, and as i got older, i figured out ways -

i learned to write, then photograph, then put the two into film.

and then i made my movie (did you see it by the way? My one about my breakdown?)

10:49pm

Big A

no I haven't.....

10:49pm

hpk

anyway, it all seemed so clear to me what i needed to do - move forward in this direction.

i will show you soon...

10:49pm

Big A

Ok

10:50pm

hpk

but now, i feel frozen. Terrified. And it's as if finding my way to finding my way as to my purpose is horrifying to me.

i don't know why...

hpk

it's bugging the shit out of me and kept me up all night..

you know, when you are out of the siutation, you can see things differently

like you - you are blessed with a gift bro

and you share that with the world. Mind you, it doesn't pay now, but

you are having the ability to go around THE FUCKEN WORLD MAN!!

and that is so special!!!!

Just think of it - you have quite literally, been around the world several times!

I have only made it to cuba and calgary!! lol

but you have a gift. You feel happiest when you are painting right?

10:53pm

Big A

well the way i see it is that you need to step back...look at it like when you were a child...sometimes we complicate things for no apparent reason...thats what I did and that why I'm here now with what I have...I take to many financial risks... I know it will bit em in the ass some day...but I just can't let it go

10:54pm

Big A

I believe that I was meant for bigger things....so I'm working hard on it....i won't let anybody tell me the opposite....even if I know I'm terrified of it all

and I feel the same about you girl

I know you are meant for bigger things

I feel a bond with you in a weird way

except some of the stuff i do keeps me back and you move forward...and then its the opposite again

10:56pm

hpk

oh big A, you have just made me so very very happy! You are getting a gigantic hug 2mrw!!

what you say makes sooo much sense... We complicate things way too much, but complication - isn't that just really critical examination?

don't we really need to critically examine what life brings to us? What we want to give to it?

How do we let go of being terrified?

10:58pm

Big A

i think I stopped thinking that way 8 years ago.......I just let it happen and see what comes my way

whats the worst that can happen?? we have an adventure good or bad

we have make mistakes...most discoveries are from mistakes we make

10:59pm

hpk

but what happened to let you "just stop thinking"? Did you get a feeling that everything was going to be alright?

10:59pm

Big A

no I believed in myself and worked hard at it

thats when I felt like I was free

10:59pm

hpk

i see...

that makes so much sense...

i have to fill this void somehow...

this deep feeling of despair and fear. I really have no fucken clue where it's coming from...

11:00pm

Big A

I don't have many regrets....but the ones I do have changed my life forever

11:00pm

hpk

perhaps it's all about mortality...

and the fragility of life - and that how something so dear to you can be taken away at any second...

11:01pm

Big A

we both have been beaten down...but we are fighters and we do have something most people don't have...a free soul and love

and our fear isn,t from us...its from what others fear of us

11:02pm

hpk

that is so unbelievably poetic dude.. you're gonna make me cry! Seriously, you are making so much sense right now...

omg. I'm reading this over and over again:and our fear isn,t from us...its from what others fear of us

11:03pm

Big A

people use us to feel better about them selves....they fear us for who and what we feel

11:03pm

hpk

go on...

11:04pm

Big A

and we were meant to suffer to make these people happy...but what they don't know is that we are the happy ones...we live in our own lives and dreams...so i feel we are the lucky ones....

11:05pm

hpk

indeed... You have such a refreshing way of looking at things dude... I never though about looking at suffering as well, salvation in a way...

11:06pm

Big A

I have been to hell and back and I know as a human being ...i could have chosen a different path...we have to take what our mothers have given us and enjoy and appreciate what we have...freedom to express ourselves with no hold bars

11:07pm

hpk

yes! I know our mothers are proud of us - and you know what? we come from incredibly strong and beautiful women!

and they are our inspirations

11:08pm

Big A

I'm not much of person that can explain what I feel... but I know now that I have let go of my fears of myself ...I can continue my journey knowing that I'm happy and doing what I love doing even i know there will be people out there fearing me and what i do and feel

11:09pm

hpk

that is a true warrior my friend... a kind and gentle warrior - you

and you express yourself eloquently too. I'm not bullshitting. You have made so much sense to me tonight.

I was ready to go to bed and worry myself to sleep, trying to figure out why i'm so worried about being me!

11:11pm

hpk

i think that deep down inside, we do the things we do because we know we can touch people. And that sensitivity is a blessing and a curse.

11:11pm

Big A

we shouldn't fear ourselves....we know what we are capable of doing and not doing... we need to push ourselves to more than would ever dream about...who cares what others feel or see...I know that what we do does touch and make peopel happy

11:12pm

hpk

yes.. yes. We are our own worst enemy

funny though - the thought of being your own worst enemy... It's not as if we didn't have enough of them in our daily lives, we have to add public and private enemy #1 to the list???

You know - i'm looking at the little thingy i posted under my friends list...

"Creativity arises out of the tension between spontaneity and limitations." by rollo may

so true isn't it. Perhaps we are in a state of growning - growing pains...

11:14pm

Big A

even if they do fear and and loath us...deep down they envy our freedom to be who we are and that is what I'm talking about when we fear ourselves...they do too

they fear they are boring so they mock us for there personal fears

fear of looking what they haven't done in there lives...like live

11:

hpk

could it be we fear our own freedom?

11:15pm

Big A

express there feelings and dreams

well yes we do...that why we haveto let go and just be

11:15pm

hpk

or feel guilty that we feel free?

amazing...

11:16pm

Big A

that them lurking in the shadows...

your guilt is brought on by them

and there own personal fears

11:17pm

hpk

they project onto us and we soak it up like a sponge

11:17pm

Big A

hpk...wake up!!....live your life...thats what our moms want for us and what we want for our children....

I know thats what i want for little a

her not to fear herself

her limits

her dreams

and I know thats what your mom wants too

11:19pm

hpk

i know...

and you are teaching little a some valuable life lessons, and i know that one day, when she is older and knows no limits, she will have you to thank.

11:20pm

Big A

this life is short....but I believe that there are many others before and after...but we must live what we have now and just be fearless

11:21pm

hpk

i agree. Fuck. I need to bungee jump with you...

11:21pm

Big A

its fuckin scarey....but i look at life like a child and try not complicate it to much

11:21pm

hpk

it seems that as i get older, i get more afraid.

you read my mind...

11:22pm

Big A

fear is our enemy...not other people.......

11:22pm

hpk

u would figure that life experience would make you more comfortable to face challenges - i mean, at 41, you've seen a lot and a lot of those situations we go through more than once...

but even experiences - life experiences can cripple us.

how odd is that?

we are so fucken backwards! lol

11:23pm

Big A

yes...but its always the fear of our limitations...or what we t hink we are limited too

thats why i believe that i let myself go

I don't fear myself anymore

I'm me and thats whats important

11:24pm

hpk

hitting our head on the ceiling of limitiations - and fearing the possible pain of the hit on our heads that in reality, just may never happen?

we are preparing for the worst too - in some way. At least I am...

waiting for the ceiling to fall - living in a state of perpetual fear - of others, of myself...

11:25pm

Big A

it usually doesn't....but even if it does... heck we move on and learn from it

11:25pm

hpk

i think i need to learn to love myself... i know that sounds mushy gushy...

i think that once i love myself, i'll be able to let myself go. Perhaps it's because i don't feel like i deserve to be happy...

11:26pm

Big A

you don't...you have love...just you don't see it

i don't think its that hpk

I think you feel that you need to prove way to much and that is fear of your limitations

you have all the right tools to let go...just do it

11:28pm

hpk

wow...

serious earth shaking wow Big A

11:29pm

hpk

i'm letting all of this sink in... Really a lot to chew on, but at the same time, it all makes so much sense - you made it make sense to me. how can i thank you? You know, like i had said, you came back into my life at such an important time. You were there to see me through those chaotic changes, i saw you through some as well. It's been a hell of a crazy 5-6 years hasn't it?!

we are learning from eachother - how beautiful is that!?

Perhaps we were related in a past life - or battlefield buddies. Two people fighting the odds together...

11:32pm

Big A

we all have a dark side to us...and that dark side actually is our love that is shinning through our fear...its twised in our minds but it can motivate us to work even harder...its like reverse brain twister

yes maybe

we will always fight the good fight...that what makes us outcasts

11:34pm

Big A

I lived it in its purity up in the north village...I spoke out for the people who did fear themselves to speak out and I paid for it dearly....

11:35pm

hpk

i remember that... so so true...

11:35pm

Big A

but like I told them...if I'm an asshole for that....then I'm an asshole then

like*

I'm proud to be an asshole

11:36pm

hpk

You're not an asshole - you are just saying the way it is...

11:36pm

Big A

lots think I had lost my mind...but it had never been clearer

11:36pmgirl

some people like to live shrouded in fear. ha.. i should be one to talk..

11:37pm

Big A

and to most being clear headed is a scarey thing

11:37pm

hpk

yes! We hang onto everything so dearly... even false hopes and ideals...

11:37pm

Big A

seems like everybody is living in a cloud or in there own world

but none are present

11:38pm

hpk

well, the real world can be a scary place

11:38pm

Big A

living in there fear of themselves

what people might think and say

thank you hpk for letting me let go

tell you my fears

and opening up to you....i don't do that much anymore

and that is one reason why Nancy and I are done....not because of Tiana...but we never spoke about what we feared most....ouresleves

11:40pm

hpk

Oh It's my pleasure, and I thank you for listening to me. It means so much that i have a true friend who understands me, won't judge me, and who knows me longer than, well, everybody i now associate with. We have history my friend. Lots of history...

11:

Big A

yes and its not over you poor bastard

11:41pm

hpk

you're a crazy south american bastard...

11:42pm