Last night was grand.
Simply sublime.

An urban cowboy friend of a friend hosted a house party.
Out in the stix, but it was well worth the hike.

and turns out, that being there, making the effort, spoke volumes in terms of letting it be known that we did take the time out of our day to come and be a part of the celebration.


Some people who said they would show up apparently had their reasons.
Apparently.

But that night was filled with new connections and forging of new creative endeavors.

Sis and Bobby were there - always soulful friendship connections.

And the new individuals that we met - priceless.

I told E on the way home:
meeting people like this, engaging in intelligent conversation, honest and heartfelt laughter is what makes the world go around, at least my world. It's my lifeline - people like this - real people. I have less and less time for the riff raff, people who are more interested in looking into their own reflection, or look for their own reflection in others. They are all fucken shallow and waste my time. Time to purge and cleanse. After this weekend, I have seen enough of people who care only about themselves. Enough is enough. I've stopped giving away my time. You need it - you earn it. You can have all your fluffy vapid self centered friends. Just don't bring them to our house. I don't want that energy to taint ours.

FB - status.
People are too busy collecting fucken farm animals to take a nano-second to even give  "like/thumbs up" notification. Whatever.
So noted.
In my books.



But as sis and I convened - there is a lot happening and a lot going to happen in the next little while. How interesting that this was my horoscope from Daily Om...


August 22, 2010
Connected by Support
Aries Daily Horoscope

The encouragement you receive from friends about your projects could make you feel surrounded by an unlimited amount of support today. Just knowing that others care about you and your work might help you see that the things you do have value and meaning not only for yourself, but also for others. Even though this validation from other people might be meaningful for you, perhaps today you can think about how much worth your work has for your soul. Going back to a completed project, taking a deep breath, and looking upon your work with new eyes could make it easier for you to recognize just how much your projects impact you. Finding support in yourself, you may find, is just as important as seeking it from other people.

When we are able to feel pleased about our work, the support we receive from others is wonderful and precious but is not the only thing that sustains our efforts. So often we can get lost in wanting others to approve of what we do and praise us for a job well done. When we learn to do that for ourselves, however, any encouragement that others give us is something that we can cherish. Through our efforts we are able to strengthen our level of connection, trust, and respect for each other. By seeing the support you get as something that binds you to others, you will be able to appreciate what you receive through an entirely new perspective today. 

my left foot

Strange days indeed.

it's been so long since my last post, and so much to write.
Where do I begin?

I will start by going backwards.

Tried to ramp up the CBT the other day because i need to preach what I'm practicing...


Spoke to a friend about her crumbling marriage. Telling her to try to keep positive. That there is never rain 365 days a year. That the sun always breaks through the clouds. That for the most part, 98% of the population are not 100% evil, and that her husband has an addiction. Even if that addiction is to his "other woman" who he can't stop texting for even a moment.

While on the phone with me, she and her hubby were texting. There was some funny banter back and fourth and I was privy to the play by play.

"I said something about wanting to fondle his elbow"
(because as per the marriage therapist, they were supposed to work on "touching and reconnecting")

text back - my elbow?
text - i mean your foot. I love how uneven your toes are on your left foot.
text back - it's my right...

"What the hell does that mean? Was that meant for me? Is he texting his friend and thought it was me saying : "it's his right to see his child during a separation" !?"

"Holy crap girl! Your mind is like a rabid monkey spinning around in your head! How can you be sure that is what he is REALLY saying?"

"Well, it must be! I think i should call my lawyer tomorrow..."

"Why don't you just ask him what he means?"

text - what?
text back - it's my right foot...

We both laughed.

"See my dear, it's only about his right foot! See how the mind went into overdrive and began to fill in all the cracks of the rest of the sentence? Attaching meaning to where there was none?!"

And we laughed and laughed. I poked fun at the situation by telling her about the famous intro to the Monty Python film with the big foot coming down and squishing everything. The visual was hysterical. And at the same time - poignant. How the mind will overcompensate for a lack of information by blowing things out of proportion - a huge foot stomping on everything. People, flowers, musical notes.

A gargantuan foot - splayed toes and all...

"my mind is just running around lighting everything on fire. I can't stop it.'

"yes you can, it just takes work; but obsessive tendencies are part of our pedigree. Great grandmother, grandmother, your mother, my mother were all struggling with some form of depression. I'm bipolar. The black sheep crazy of the family, but obsessive/compulsive behavior is a part of that. it's all under the umbrella of mental illness in its varying degrees."

"well, i must be OCD then. I just keep on digging this obsessive grave deeper and deeper until I can't get out and get suffocated by these fucken thoughts."

I tried to explain my techniques: listing all the thoughts, the % of how much i believe each thought, exaggerate the worst case scenario and how much I believe that, what i know to be true, the grade of anxiety from 1-10 (at the beginning and at the end of the exercise). I extolled the virtues of finding my "touchstones" - things that make me happy and shift my thinking just by doing/watching/listening.

We were both impressed with my logic and clarity.
I'm proud that I have some of those moments sometimes.

After four and a half hours of Wayne Dyer-izing, CBT-ating and Zen-atilitaing, she was calm and at peace, and happily, so was I.


Today changed that mood.

An email: the whole time he was texting me, he was texting her! NOW WHAT DO I DO?!?!

What do you do? What can be told to someone who is living with and loving a person that has an obsessive compulsion?

I feel horrible for having given sound advice.
I feel like a flake, fake, and bullshitter for having believed my own advice. For allowing myself to try to "think well".

And as I type this, I can hear the monkey in my mind getting restless. Sharp utensils are within its reach. The once peaceful room is getting cluttered with negative images, words and scenarios. How do I tame this beast?

Scratch its belly. Keep it happy.

I try to smile, underneath my skin pulled taut over muscle twitching confusion...

you truly are a gift...

Boob doc 2mrw. Time to check up on my well marbled porterhouse steak breast tissue.

Got the confirmation for my g-scope next monday (first one in - THANK GOD), just waiting on the surgery confirm.

Pain. Serious.
Had somebody in from out of town last night. Was quiet as a mouse. I had to breathe through the stabbing jolts. Spent more time breathing than talking.
I have a place where they are to visit. I just wish I could be well enough for the long flight down. Right now - 10 minutes is all I can take sitting down before i have to lie down again. A 10 hour flight would kill me...

Did lots of news for my website updates.
Wow.
Lots of shit going on!!
My CV looks pretty damn impressive. Almost 5 pages long. And that is just the photography stuff. There is also the writing and cinema CV's. It's a shame that I'm not making any money off this stuff. And it's definitely not for a lack of trying.

My luck as always...

And apparently, my cards were selected to be part of the ABAD show in Croatia! Could the Eastern European block countries be my next market? First Ukraine, now Croatia!? Very cool indeed.

Next show - Morrocco.
Was offered a place to say there for four nights c/o the organizers. What a dream that would be, but alas, $$, $$ $$. Rubbing two pennies together is tough, i can't even fathom 2000$...

but i can always dream right?

Had a phone call from Charlotte the other day.

It was so nice to talk to her. We reminisced about our Sex and La Cite days and said that we should do something again.

Writing with her came so naturally and talk about comedic chemistry!

It was so nice to be able to do something that made people laugh.

I need to laugh on days like these.

Sadness has begun to take its toll.

but Charlotte said something that made me smile, and made me feel so appreciated in a world and time where and when I don't feel so much so:

"Some people I know bitch about everything, and some people who are going through only half of what you are going through drone on endlessly about their miseries. You don't - you laugh. That in my book is quite amazing. You know hpk, you truly are a joy and a gift to all those people who have you in their lives. You always laugh, and that is just wonderful."

I was almost in tears. 

What a wonderful thing to say!

Amazing how a few little words could go so far in healing this wounded spirit and body...

I need to hear things like that these days.

Thank you Charlotte!!

how cool is that?

Hellophotokitty, you've received $157.79 for your submission!

Thank you for submitting to the BBH Creative Invite. As part of Talenthouse's mission to provide artists opportunities for recognition and compensation for this Premium Creative Invite, each artist will receive a portion of the $6,500 USD equal to their share of total votes received.

Congratulations, you acquired 2.43% of the total votes and you will be receiving $157.79 USD!

For somebody who was "a semi-finalist", and asked as many people as I could to vote for me, ( i know a lot of people, but not THAT many), any cash is good cash for me.

I'll take it where i can get it, and if it's for my photography, even better.

stepping into a new day

so she is clear.
No Evidence of Disease - or NED as we now call her.


we waited (waiting rooms are NOT for waiting...) and worried. Her worry team, me, E, Bet and mom. The doctor came around the corner in a flash, and gave us a huge smile with one of those TV talk show hosts wave "How ya doing there!?"

Could it be???
was it too good to be true?

well it was true, and it was good!

long LONG story short, he said that the scan was clear. Nothing.
He was so very happy, but nobody was more relieved than my mom, then came me, and b and e were a tie for 3rd.

we celebrated by going out to our chicken bbq hut to celebrate. Oh that comfort food is better than any booze!

And we ate, waved our sticky fingers at eachother the way the doctor did to us, laughed and cherished this new lease on life.

We are always mindful that we never know if this shit will come back or how or when, but today was a good day. Today was a good day indeed.


I have other shit to gripe about, like how to of my "supposed best friends" never called, emailed, nothing to see what the results were - and to them i say a big -
F*&K you. You have been terminated!

Life really is too short to worry and give effort to people like this.

and i removed my dad from my fb.
it was too hard knowing and not knowing what he was doing and that he (or i should say - his whore wife) was watching my every post.

out of sight - out of mind
and in my mom's case, out of body, out of life...

it was a good day indeed...

fresh strawberries, wine, moonlight. Perfect way to ease the uneasiness of transition and uncertainty

It doesn't help that facebook has this horrible 3x4 inch screen to see what you are typing into,and that i'm trying to uncross my eyes from the experience...

this was a nice exchange.

and sometimes,you will find joy and love in the smallest of places...

Big A

this is internet for idiots

10:44pmhpk

i agree. but i just cant shake feeling all vulnerable and soggy

10:45pm

Big A

well like I said facebook is for people looking for something to complain about and show how pityfull their real lives are

10:45pm

hpk

indeed, but for some of us, it

10:45pm

Big A

I'm not saying all

10:45pm

hpk

it's about sharing..

maybe i share too much...

10:46pm

Big A

but 98% are morons

10:46pm

hpk

let me thro something at you

10:46pm

Big A

ok

10:46pm

hpk

just suppose...

10:46pm

Big A

ok

10:46pm

hpk

hypothetical brainstorm

10:46pm

Big A

oh oh

10:46pm

hpk

i was doing some writing last night - figuring out shit, and came across this book,

it was about "finding your purpose in life" and that stuff i like to read sometimes.

but this time

unlike other times when i would just delve into the pages with such hunger for knowledge

i dropped the book as if it was on fire, and felt sick to my stomach...

and what ran through my head was

"why am i so afraid of finding out my calling?"

you know - purpose of being here?

it was so strong, i could not shake it...

when i was younger, i wanted to change the world, and as i got older, i figured out ways -

i learned to write, then photograph, then put the two into film.

and then i made my movie (did you see it by the way? My one about my breakdown?)

10:49pm

Big A

no I haven't.....

10:49pm

hpk

anyway, it all seemed so clear to me what i needed to do - move forward in this direction.

i will show you soon...

10:49pm

Big A

Ok

10:50pm

hpk

but now, i feel frozen. Terrified. And it's as if finding my way to finding my way as to my purpose is horrifying to me.

i don't know why...

hpk

it's bugging the shit out of me and kept me up all night..

you know, when you are out of the siutation, you can see things differently

like you - you are blessed with a gift bro

and you share that with the world. Mind you, it doesn't pay now, but

you are having the ability to go around THE FUCKEN WORLD MAN!!

and that is so special!!!!

Just think of it - you have quite literally, been around the world several times!

I have only made it to cuba and calgary!! lol

but you have a gift. You feel happiest when you are painting right?

10:53pm

Big A

well the way i see it is that you need to step back...look at it like when you were a child...sometimes we complicate things for no apparent reason...thats what I did and that why I'm here now with what I have...I take to many financial risks... I know it will bit em in the ass some day...but I just can't let it go

10:54pm

Big A

I believe that I was meant for bigger things....so I'm working hard on it....i won't let anybody tell me the opposite....even if I know I'm terrified of it all

and I feel the same about you girl

I know you are meant for bigger things

I feel a bond with you in a weird way

except some of the stuff i do keeps me back and you move forward...and then its the opposite again

10:56pm

hpk

oh big A, you have just made me so very very happy! You are getting a gigantic hug 2mrw!!

what you say makes sooo much sense... We complicate things way too much, but complication - isn't that just really critical examination?

don't we really need to critically examine what life brings to us? What we want to give to it?

How do we let go of being terrified?

10:58pm

Big A

i think I stopped thinking that way 8 years ago.......I just let it happen and see what comes my way

whats the worst that can happen?? we have an adventure good or bad

we have make mistakes...most discoveries are from mistakes we make

10:59pm

hpk

but what happened to let you "just stop thinking"? Did you get a feeling that everything was going to be alright?

10:59pm

Big A

no I believed in myself and worked hard at it

thats when I felt like I was free

10:59pm

hpk

i see...

that makes so much sense...

i have to fill this void somehow...

this deep feeling of despair and fear. I really have no fucken clue where it's coming from...

11:00pm

Big A

I don't have many regrets....but the ones I do have changed my life forever

11:00pm

hpk

perhaps it's all about mortality...

and the fragility of life - and that how something so dear to you can be taken away at any second...

11:01pm

Big A

we both have been beaten down...but we are fighters and we do have something most people don't have...a free soul and love

and our fear isn,t from us...its from what others fear of us

11:02pm

hpk

that is so unbelievably poetic dude.. you're gonna make me cry! Seriously, you are making so much sense right now...

omg. I'm reading this over and over again:and our fear isn,t from us...its from what others fear of us

11:03pm

Big A

people use us to feel better about them selves....they fear us for who and what we feel

11:03pm

hpk

go on...

11:04pm

Big A

and we were meant to suffer to make these people happy...but what they don't know is that we are the happy ones...we live in our own lives and dreams...so i feel we are the lucky ones....

11:05pm

hpk

indeed... You have such a refreshing way of looking at things dude... I never though about looking at suffering as well, salvation in a way...

11:06pm

Big A

I have been to hell and back and I know as a human being ...i could have chosen a different path...we have to take what our mothers have given us and enjoy and appreciate what we have...freedom to express ourselves with no hold bars

11:07pm

hpk

yes! I know our mothers are proud of us - and you know what? we come from incredibly strong and beautiful women!

and they are our inspirations

11:08pm

Big A

I'm not much of person that can explain what I feel... but I know now that I have let go of my fears of myself ...I can continue my journey knowing that I'm happy and doing what I love doing even i know there will be people out there fearing me and what i do and feel

11:09pm

hpk

that is a true warrior my friend... a kind and gentle warrior - you

and you express yourself eloquently too. I'm not bullshitting. You have made so much sense to me tonight.

I was ready to go to bed and worry myself to sleep, trying to figure out why i'm so worried about being me!

11:11pm

hpk

i think that deep down inside, we do the things we do because we know we can touch people. And that sensitivity is a blessing and a curse.

11:11pm

Big A

we shouldn't fear ourselves....we know what we are capable of doing and not doing... we need to push ourselves to more than would ever dream about...who cares what others feel or see...I know that what we do does touch and make peopel happy

11:12pm

hpk

yes.. yes. We are our own worst enemy

funny though - the thought of being your own worst enemy... It's not as if we didn't have enough of them in our daily lives, we have to add public and private enemy #1 to the list???

You know - i'm looking at the little thingy i posted under my friends list...

"Creativity arises out of the tension between spontaneity and limitations." by rollo may

so true isn't it. Perhaps we are in a state of growning - growing pains...

11:14pm

Big A

even if they do fear and and loath us...deep down they envy our freedom to be who we are and that is what I'm talking about when we fear ourselves...they do too

they fear they are boring so they mock us for there personal fears

fear of looking what they haven't done in there lives...like live

11:

hpk

could it be we fear our own freedom?

11:15pm

Big A

express there feelings and dreams

well yes we do...that why we haveto let go and just be

11:15pm

hpk

or feel guilty that we feel free?

amazing...

11:16pm

Big A

that them lurking in the shadows...

your guilt is brought on by them

and there own personal fears

11:17pm

hpk

they project onto us and we soak it up like a sponge

11:17pm

Big A

hpk...wake up!!....live your life...thats what our moms want for us and what we want for our children....

I know thats what i want for little a

her not to fear herself

her limits

her dreams

and I know thats what your mom wants too

11:19pm

hpk

i know...

and you are teaching little a some valuable life lessons, and i know that one day, when she is older and knows no limits, she will have you to thank.

11:20pm

Big A

this life is short....but I believe that there are many others before and after...but we must live what we have now and just be fearless

11:21pm

hpk

i agree. Fuck. I need to bungee jump with you...

11:21pm

Big A

its fuckin scarey....but i look at life like a child and try not complicate it to much

11:21pm

hpk

it seems that as i get older, i get more afraid.

you read my mind...

11:22pm

Big A

fear is our enemy...not other people.......

11:22pm

hpk

u would figure that life experience would make you more comfortable to face challenges - i mean, at 41, you've seen a lot and a lot of those situations we go through more than once...

but even experiences - life experiences can cripple us.

how odd is that?

we are so fucken backwards! lol

11:23pm

Big A

yes...but its always the fear of our limitations...or what we t hink we are limited too

thats why i believe that i let myself go

I don't fear myself anymore

I'm me and thats whats important

11:24pm

hpk

hitting our head on the ceiling of limitiations - and fearing the possible pain of the hit on our heads that in reality, just may never happen?

we are preparing for the worst too - in some way. At least I am...

waiting for the ceiling to fall - living in a state of perpetual fear - of others, of myself...

11:25pm

Big A

it usually doesn't....but even if it does... heck we move on and learn from it

11:25pm

hpk

i think i need to learn to love myself... i know that sounds mushy gushy...

i think that once i love myself, i'll be able to let myself go. Perhaps it's because i don't feel like i deserve to be happy...

11:26pm

Big A

you don't...you have love...just you don't see it

i don't think its that hpk

I think you feel that you need to prove way to much and that is fear of your limitations

you have all the right tools to let go...just do it

11:28pm

hpk

wow...

serious earth shaking wow Big A

11:29pm

hpk

i'm letting all of this sink in... Really a lot to chew on, but at the same time, it all makes so much sense - you made it make sense to me. how can i thank you? You know, like i had said, you came back into my life at such an important time. You were there to see me through those chaotic changes, i saw you through some as well. It's been a hell of a crazy 5-6 years hasn't it?!

we are learning from eachother - how beautiful is that!?

Perhaps we were related in a past life - or battlefield buddies. Two people fighting the odds together...

11:32pm

Big A

we all have a dark side to us...and that dark side actually is our love that is shinning through our fear...its twised in our minds but it can motivate us to work even harder...its like reverse brain twister

yes maybe

we will always fight the good fight...that what makes us outcasts

11:34pm

Big A

I lived it in its purity up in the north village...I spoke out for the people who did fear themselves to speak out and I paid for it dearly....

11:35pm

hpk

i remember that... so so true...

11:35pm

Big A

but like I told them...if I'm an asshole for that....then I'm an asshole then

like*

I'm proud to be an asshole

11:36pm

hpk

You're not an asshole - you are just saying the way it is...

11:36pm

Big A

lots think I had lost my mind...but it had never been clearer

11:36pmgirl

some people like to live shrouded in fear. ha.. i should be one to talk..

11:37pm

Big A

and to most being clear headed is a scarey thing

11:37pm

hpk

yes! We hang onto everything so dearly... even false hopes and ideals...

11:37pm

Big A

seems like everybody is living in a cloud or in there own world

but none are present

11:38pm

hpk

well, the real world can be a scary place

11:38pm

Big A

living in there fear of themselves

what people might think and say

thank you hpk for letting me let go

tell you my fears

and opening up to you....i don't do that much anymore

and that is one reason why Nancy and I are done....not because of Tiana...but we never spoke about what we feared most....ouresleves

11:40pm

hpk

Oh It's my pleasure, and I thank you for listening to me. It means so much that i have a true friend who understands me, won't judge me, and who knows me longer than, well, everybody i now associate with. We have history my friend. Lots of history...

11:

Big A

yes and its not over you poor bastard

11:41pm

hpk

you're a crazy south american bastard...

11:42pm