it's all good bro...

I am so happy that i dragged my sleepless restless body outside today to meet an old friend.  He was Big in our Sex and La Cite. He was perfect for the role, but then again, everybody was bang on. We all still talk about those wonderful times. Everybody says: "that was once in a lifetime chemistry that we had", and because of my writing, i was the seed that made it happen.

BUT anyway...

so I met with E and went to his bachelor pad. Not bad for a bachelor pad I must say. and the guy is pretty tidy for a dude. So we caught up, talked a lot of shop talk, which was nice. it had been a while since i spoke cinema speak with anybody other than myself. He's working grip on a youtube sensation that will now be featured on the food channel - Bitchin Kitchen. Funny, our greek boy in the play actually plays the greek boy/fish monger/meat specialist. Oh i had a laugh when he told me about that.


And then we spoke of future projects. He really does value my opinion and we have always worked so well together - the last one was Travesty where I DPd. Apparently, lots of people though it was really well shot. Thank you very much :-)

but until today, i had yet to see the complete version.

Two years later - hello?

but he was busy with other more important things, so i wasn't going to hold it against him. I know he is true to his word. But the new stuff, very cool. Period piece with lots of CGI. Could be lots of fun...

And then we watched the famous Travesty. A fun little short film, until I saw the last 5 minutes, and some spots out of focus... FOCUS!?!

I didn't come down hard on him, but i said: "bro, you're kidding me. I know I shot more footage than that?!!"

"but bro - I was telling you: "Just do a master shot" and thank god you were shooting some extra stuff cause without that, we would have been doomed. And I was just telling people it was a stylistic thing - you know, like Arrested Development."

"oh my dear E. We are nowhere near being rich or famous enough to have the creative license to be able to pull out of focus shots for the sake of "style". This just looks like crap! Sorry, I know you have picture lock and are waiting on sound, but dude! It's out of focus!!"

Well, he conceded that it was not a good thing, and for my demo reel, it would not look good with out of focus shots, when I'm the one who has to be watching that everything looks good!

Well, for 3 minutes of film time, we worked 3 hours!!
how insane is that?! But oh I loved every minute of it! I just love editing!

"you are a storyteller, and editing is a way of putting the visual pieces of the narrative puzzle together to tell one single story. No wonder you love it so much - and you do it well...

So we decided to meet again - he will bring all his HDs and I have Final cut pro on my mac, and then to work on the final things - color correction, sound, but I think it will be a fun film. And I need to pad my cinema resume. I'm proud of my film one (it's almost 5 pages!!) but i need stuff that will pay the bills too.

speaking of photography, he still has that photo I gave him for his birthday once - the sculpture in new york. He says that it's one of his favorites.

That was a small joy today...

Since we met - from day one of the play, I always got along with the guys. They took me as one of their own. Literally. I was the "dude" and E's "bro(ther)". I love that - guys can feel comfortable with me.  Like the time E and P and I drove down to NYC for a few days, and than met Z. it was the Boyz night out, and I was the only one in heels (for that moment at least).

Oh good times.

I need to reconnect. I'm feeling so disjointed lately, and sleep? What sleep. 3 hours a night max. Pulled two all nighters in the past 5 days. I almost collapsed the other night, but boy, i slept like a rock. I had forgotten how nice a sold nights sleep could be.

3am and kinda jittery and kinda tired.

Happy as a pig in shit that i finished my intro trailer to my site. it looks cool (although, youtube is stingy on bandwidth - cause the images look all pixilated) but for somebody who has only known that program for a month, it's not bad at all.

So I've been telling peeps that after my surgical procedure from hell (back to back stuff. Euch.) I will need visitors as I will be out for at least a week, if not more, depending on what they find, if they find anything at all, so I will be taking people into my home, and into my life again. A new page, a new chapter, a new beginning.

back to the things that made me feel whole - film, photograph and writing.

"It's all good bro."

Yes, my friend, today really is...




Untitled from Kathy Slamen on Vimeo.

fresh strawberries, wine, moonlight. Perfect way to ease the uneasiness of transition and uncertainty

It doesn't help that facebook has this horrible 3x4 inch screen to see what you are typing into,and that i'm trying to uncross my eyes from the experience...

this was a nice exchange.

and sometimes,you will find joy and love in the smallest of places...

Big A

this is internet for idiots

10:44pmhpk

i agree. but i just cant shake feeling all vulnerable and soggy

10:45pm

Big A

well like I said facebook is for people looking for something to complain about and show how pityfull their real lives are

10:45pm

hpk

indeed, but for some of us, it

10:45pm

Big A

I'm not saying all

10:45pm

hpk

it's about sharing..

maybe i share too much...

10:46pm

Big A

but 98% are morons

10:46pm

hpk

let me thro something at you

10:46pm

Big A

ok

10:46pm

hpk

just suppose...

10:46pm

Big A

ok

10:46pm

hpk

hypothetical brainstorm

10:46pm

Big A

oh oh

10:46pm

hpk

i was doing some writing last night - figuring out shit, and came across this book,

it was about "finding your purpose in life" and that stuff i like to read sometimes.

but this time

unlike other times when i would just delve into the pages with such hunger for knowledge

i dropped the book as if it was on fire, and felt sick to my stomach...

and what ran through my head was

"why am i so afraid of finding out my calling?"

you know - purpose of being here?

it was so strong, i could not shake it...

when i was younger, i wanted to change the world, and as i got older, i figured out ways -

i learned to write, then photograph, then put the two into film.

and then i made my movie (did you see it by the way? My one about my breakdown?)

10:49pm

Big A

no I haven't.....

10:49pm

hpk

anyway, it all seemed so clear to me what i needed to do - move forward in this direction.

i will show you soon...

10:49pm

Big A

Ok

10:50pm

hpk

but now, i feel frozen. Terrified. And it's as if finding my way to finding my way as to my purpose is horrifying to me.

i don't know why...

hpk

it's bugging the shit out of me and kept me up all night..

you know, when you are out of the siutation, you can see things differently

like you - you are blessed with a gift bro

and you share that with the world. Mind you, it doesn't pay now, but

you are having the ability to go around THE FUCKEN WORLD MAN!!

and that is so special!!!!

Just think of it - you have quite literally, been around the world several times!

I have only made it to cuba and calgary!! lol

but you have a gift. You feel happiest when you are painting right?

10:53pm

Big A

well the way i see it is that you need to step back...look at it like when you were a child...sometimes we complicate things for no apparent reason...thats what I did and that why I'm here now with what I have...I take to many financial risks... I know it will bit em in the ass some day...but I just can't let it go

10:54pm

Big A

I believe that I was meant for bigger things....so I'm working hard on it....i won't let anybody tell me the opposite....even if I know I'm terrified of it all

and I feel the same about you girl

I know you are meant for bigger things

I feel a bond with you in a weird way

except some of the stuff i do keeps me back and you move forward...and then its the opposite again

10:56pm

hpk

oh big A, you have just made me so very very happy! You are getting a gigantic hug 2mrw!!

what you say makes sooo much sense... We complicate things way too much, but complication - isn't that just really critical examination?

don't we really need to critically examine what life brings to us? What we want to give to it?

How do we let go of being terrified?

10:58pm

Big A

i think I stopped thinking that way 8 years ago.......I just let it happen and see what comes my way

whats the worst that can happen?? we have an adventure good or bad

we have make mistakes...most discoveries are from mistakes we make

10:59pm

hpk

but what happened to let you "just stop thinking"? Did you get a feeling that everything was going to be alright?

10:59pm

Big A

no I believed in myself and worked hard at it

thats when I felt like I was free

10:59pm

hpk

i see...

that makes so much sense...

i have to fill this void somehow...

this deep feeling of despair and fear. I really have no fucken clue where it's coming from...

11:00pm

Big A

I don't have many regrets....but the ones I do have changed my life forever

11:00pm

hpk

perhaps it's all about mortality...

and the fragility of life - and that how something so dear to you can be taken away at any second...

11:01pm

Big A

we both have been beaten down...but we are fighters and we do have something most people don't have...a free soul and love

and our fear isn,t from us...its from what others fear of us

11:02pm

hpk

that is so unbelievably poetic dude.. you're gonna make me cry! Seriously, you are making so much sense right now...

omg. I'm reading this over and over again:and our fear isn,t from us...its from what others fear of us

11:03pm

Big A

people use us to feel better about them selves....they fear us for who and what we feel

11:03pm

hpk

go on...

11:04pm

Big A

and we were meant to suffer to make these people happy...but what they don't know is that we are the happy ones...we live in our own lives and dreams...so i feel we are the lucky ones....

11:05pm

hpk

indeed... You have such a refreshing way of looking at things dude... I never though about looking at suffering as well, salvation in a way...

11:06pm

Big A

I have been to hell and back and I know as a human being ...i could have chosen a different path...we have to take what our mothers have given us and enjoy and appreciate what we have...freedom to express ourselves with no hold bars

11:07pm

hpk

yes! I know our mothers are proud of us - and you know what? we come from incredibly strong and beautiful women!

and they are our inspirations

11:08pm

Big A

I'm not much of person that can explain what I feel... but I know now that I have let go of my fears of myself ...I can continue my journey knowing that I'm happy and doing what I love doing even i know there will be people out there fearing me and what i do and feel

11:09pm

hpk

that is a true warrior my friend... a kind and gentle warrior - you

and you express yourself eloquently too. I'm not bullshitting. You have made so much sense to me tonight.

I was ready to go to bed and worry myself to sleep, trying to figure out why i'm so worried about being me!

11:11pm

hpk

i think that deep down inside, we do the things we do because we know we can touch people. And that sensitivity is a blessing and a curse.

11:11pm

Big A

we shouldn't fear ourselves....we know what we are capable of doing and not doing... we need to push ourselves to more than would ever dream about...who cares what others feel or see...I know that what we do does touch and make peopel happy

11:12pm

hpk

yes.. yes. We are our own worst enemy

funny though - the thought of being your own worst enemy... It's not as if we didn't have enough of them in our daily lives, we have to add public and private enemy #1 to the list???

You know - i'm looking at the little thingy i posted under my friends list...

"Creativity arises out of the tension between spontaneity and limitations." by rollo may

so true isn't it. Perhaps we are in a state of growning - growing pains...

11:14pm

Big A

even if they do fear and and loath us...deep down they envy our freedom to be who we are and that is what I'm talking about when we fear ourselves...they do too

they fear they are boring so they mock us for there personal fears

fear of looking what they haven't done in there lives...like live

11:

hpk

could it be we fear our own freedom?

11:15pm

Big A

express there feelings and dreams

well yes we do...that why we haveto let go and just be

11:15pm

hpk

or feel guilty that we feel free?

amazing...

11:16pm

Big A

that them lurking in the shadows...

your guilt is brought on by them

and there own personal fears

11:17pm

hpk

they project onto us and we soak it up like a sponge

11:17pm

Big A

hpk...wake up!!....live your life...thats what our moms want for us and what we want for our children....

I know thats what i want for little a

her not to fear herself

her limits

her dreams

and I know thats what your mom wants too

11:19pm

hpk

i know...

and you are teaching little a some valuable life lessons, and i know that one day, when she is older and knows no limits, she will have you to thank.

11:20pm

Big A

this life is short....but I believe that there are many others before and after...but we must live what we have now and just be fearless

11:21pm

hpk

i agree. Fuck. I need to bungee jump with you...

11:21pm

Big A

its fuckin scarey....but i look at life like a child and try not complicate it to much

11:21pm

hpk

it seems that as i get older, i get more afraid.

you read my mind...

11:22pm

Big A

fear is our enemy...not other people.......

11:22pm

hpk

u would figure that life experience would make you more comfortable to face challenges - i mean, at 41, you've seen a lot and a lot of those situations we go through more than once...

but even experiences - life experiences can cripple us.

how odd is that?

we are so fucken backwards! lol

11:23pm

Big A

yes...but its always the fear of our limitations...or what we t hink we are limited too

thats why i believe that i let myself go

I don't fear myself anymore

I'm me and thats whats important

11:24pm

hpk

hitting our head on the ceiling of limitiations - and fearing the possible pain of the hit on our heads that in reality, just may never happen?

we are preparing for the worst too - in some way. At least I am...

waiting for the ceiling to fall - living in a state of perpetual fear - of others, of myself...

11:25pm

Big A

it usually doesn't....but even if it does... heck we move on and learn from it

11:25pm

hpk

i think i need to learn to love myself... i know that sounds mushy gushy...

i think that once i love myself, i'll be able to let myself go. Perhaps it's because i don't feel like i deserve to be happy...

11:26pm

Big A

you don't...you have love...just you don't see it

i don't think its that hpk

I think you feel that you need to prove way to much and that is fear of your limitations

you have all the right tools to let go...just do it

11:28pm

hpk

wow...

serious earth shaking wow Big A

11:29pm

hpk

i'm letting all of this sink in... Really a lot to chew on, but at the same time, it all makes so much sense - you made it make sense to me. how can i thank you? You know, like i had said, you came back into my life at such an important time. You were there to see me through those chaotic changes, i saw you through some as well. It's been a hell of a crazy 5-6 years hasn't it?!

we are learning from eachother - how beautiful is that!?

Perhaps we were related in a past life - or battlefield buddies. Two people fighting the odds together...

11:32pm

Big A

we all have a dark side to us...and that dark side actually is our love that is shinning through our fear...its twised in our minds but it can motivate us to work even harder...its like reverse brain twister

yes maybe

we will always fight the good fight...that what makes us outcasts

11:34pm

Big A

I lived it in its purity up in the north village...I spoke out for the people who did fear themselves to speak out and I paid for it dearly....

11:35pm

hpk

i remember that... so so true...

11:35pm

Big A

but like I told them...if I'm an asshole for that....then I'm an asshole then

like*

I'm proud to be an asshole

11:36pm

hpk

You're not an asshole - you are just saying the way it is...

11:36pm

Big A

lots think I had lost my mind...but it had never been clearer

11:36pmgirl

some people like to live shrouded in fear. ha.. i should be one to talk..

11:37pm

Big A

and to most being clear headed is a scarey thing

11:37pm

hpk

yes! We hang onto everything so dearly... even false hopes and ideals...

11:37pm

Big A

seems like everybody is living in a cloud or in there own world

but none are present

11:38pm

hpk

well, the real world can be a scary place

11:38pm

Big A

living in there fear of themselves

what people might think and say

thank you hpk for letting me let go

tell you my fears

and opening up to you....i don't do that much anymore

and that is one reason why Nancy and I are done....not because of Tiana...but we never spoke about what we feared most....ouresleves

11:40pm

hpk

Oh It's my pleasure, and I thank you for listening to me. It means so much that i have a true friend who understands me, won't judge me, and who knows me longer than, well, everybody i now associate with. We have history my friend. Lots of history...

11:

Big A

yes and its not over you poor bastard

11:41pm

hpk

you're a crazy south american bastard...

11:42pm