ocd for u and me

Saw a doc today.
out of the university - will be part of a study program.
psychiatrists in training.

Doctor: "I run a tight ship. Everybody goes through rigorous training, and all meetings are reviewed with the supervisors who then give their notes on the following meetings with you. Don't worry. You will be getting the help that you need..."

She was so very nice.
i felt like she really understood me.

"I know this can't be easy, it impacts your life, keeps you from moving forward. We will be here to help you, help you find answers..."

They had a bipolar expert, PhD, MD on staff, but he is on sabbatical.
"But that's alright. We will find you a match - as close to perfect as we can..."

Huge sigh of relief.

I was on a waiting list since March 2010 for one other hospital.
"We will call you in July for an appointment for an assessment"

September rolls around. I call.
"It won't be before the end of October, but that does not guarantee you will get into the CBT clinic. Just so you know..."

Thank you. Not...

So at the other end of the city, my weekly commute will take almost an hour, but if i can be seen by somebody who cares, and perhaps, out of my misery and fucked up state of mind, will be able to care for somebody else who they will come across in their future practice who will have an equally fucked up state of mind, then all of this is a blessing.

Last night - restless. Bed bugs in my brain. Syphoning the logic out of every logical though, so that all was left was a infected irrational thought, poisoned, and throbbing, infected and disgusting.

Today, the sun alternating with the grey clouds kept me on my toes. Will it rain? Shall I dash for cover?
Oh, nope. The sun is coming out again.
Run into the light, bask in the warmth.

Walking out of the old world campus, tall turn of the century buildings standing like wise old professors over this young new pupil, head filled with glorious and grandiose ideas, silently guiding her along the path of self discovery and enlightenment.

***

I have my first swim lesson 2mrw.
Not so much a lesson as a perfection of techniques.
Want to feel efficient in the water again - a time when my strokes were effortless, poetic and fluid.

Looking forward to finding my equilibrium again, in the water and on land as well...

stepping into a new day

so she is clear.
No Evidence of Disease - or NED as we now call her.


we waited (waiting rooms are NOT for waiting...) and worried. Her worry team, me, E, Bet and mom. The doctor came around the corner in a flash, and gave us a huge smile with one of those TV talk show hosts wave "How ya doing there!?"

Could it be???
was it too good to be true?

well it was true, and it was good!

long LONG story short, he said that the scan was clear. Nothing.
He was so very happy, but nobody was more relieved than my mom, then came me, and b and e were a tie for 3rd.

we celebrated by going out to our chicken bbq hut to celebrate. Oh that comfort food is better than any booze!

And we ate, waved our sticky fingers at eachother the way the doctor did to us, laughed and cherished this new lease on life.

We are always mindful that we never know if this shit will come back or how or when, but today was a good day. Today was a good day indeed.


I have other shit to gripe about, like how to of my "supposed best friends" never called, emailed, nothing to see what the results were - and to them i say a big -
F*&K you. You have been terminated!

Life really is too short to worry and give effort to people like this.

and i removed my dad from my fb.
it was too hard knowing and not knowing what he was doing and that he (or i should say - his whore wife) was watching my every post.

out of sight - out of mind
and in my mom's case, out of body, out of life...

it was a good day indeed...

lotsa things

so on friday, mom got the news:

all clear!

We couldn't believe our ears - was this possible? Did the treatment really work??! Could it be?

Well, according to her doc, the cancer is gone, and they are going to do a backup round of IL2 just to be on the safe side; like antibiotics, you have to do the whole treatment even if you feel better -just to be on the safe side..

but oh what a releif!!

But oddly enough, the first thing that went through my mind is: now it's our of her body, who's body will it enter into next?

how horrible is that?

I'm really working hard on changing my thinking patterns - but after a year of exhausting emotional roller coaster rides, it's easy for the mind and spirit to slip into dark murky waters. 

but for now, she's in the clear.

and i'm planning my wedding in June!

Lots of little things to do add up to a big to-do list, but i'm trying to take it all in stride so far. I never thought it would be so complicated (least complicated being eloping), but i have a feeling it will all work out in the end, as things always seem to.

so on that note, i'm taking a well deserved little rest for a while - to reflect, reconnect and rebuild for the future and for my sanity!

(and Jal: ;-) xoxo)