The power of photography, and coincidences

Call me sentimental, but I do believe that things happen for a reason. That there is something more than cosmic glue that holds the universe together, that there is truth behind the mystery of "the butterfly effect", and when these seemingly incoherent illogical yet lyrical rivulets flow into my stream of consciousness, i am filled with a deep appreciation of being alive, and so very present in second it happens...

I began to scan some really old photographs: friends, family, myself, all serving as visual reminders of a fleeting moment. Looking at each one, i seemingly instantaneously recall that exact moment in great detail, which then leap frogs me into a whole other sublime haze of wonder of that particular time. Oh the joys of hearing the shutter click, the sounds of plastic emulsion being pulled away from its tight spindle inside the body of the camera. Indeed what fond memories they were.

erase the bad, highlight the good...

Dad loved it. And because of him,  i grew up with it, and as I aged, it too became my all consuming passion. That film canister did not fall far from the Kodak tree.
As well as the guitar. But the film/movie machine became my bread and butter maker...

Could it be a strange coincidence that while perusing the Barnes and Noble site this evening, (and after seeing this, be on the precipice of suffering a fit of seizures from sheer excitement that) they are having a 50% off Criterion Collection DVD/Blu-Ray sale (!)  that our of sheer curiosity, I click on a title of a film that i have never seen before called "Everlasting Moments", that unbeknownst to me, was a story about a woman who finds solace and peace in photography?

I saw the trailer and almost wept at the utter beauty of this synchronous moment.
Me: reaching for memories of better times through photographs.
Me: searching for a connection to other through photography
the universe: teaching me that photography has been, and will always be, a very big part of my life.


I did a quick search on the web to find out more about this film that i had never seen, but now wanted to rather urgently, and came across this review. Once again, the timing and message were that of divine intervention because nothing can be so perfect as this moment.


A Real Heartfelt Flick about the Empowering Quality of Photography, 
13 January 2009

Author: eugenetard from Los Angeles

This movie was an enjoyable surprise to me, really worth watching. I don't speak Swedish or know of the director. I just saw it at the Aero in Santa Monica, where they screened the foreign film Golden Globe nominees, and I'm so glad I caught it.

It's set in Sweden back in the day, before and during WW I, and it follows the life of this Wife and Mother, and her family. This woman is a rock, and she's the soul and center of this story. She's got hardships out the wazoo, mainly an ever-growing number of mouths to feed during a war, and a drunken, philandering, impulsive, and abusive husband to deal with. 

She won a camera in a lottery before she was married, and, never having used it, tries to sell it for the cash. The old gentlemanly proprietor of the camera shop sees a chance to share his passion, and sets her up with film and developer and whatnot. Thus begins a friendship, maybe a platonic love-affair, between the two based on the power and beauty of picture-taking. 
And, as any film concerning photography should, this one looks Just Great. It's got a grainy sorta washed-out look that really takes you away to that time and place. But it also serves the tone and feel of her story really well. It takes you with her inside, into her picture- taking.
This is what I dug so much about this movie, was its take on the possibilities provided by photography, and Art in general. Where making art can take a person. This woman has such a bunch of trials and troubles, her family life is so stocked with drama, set against a backdrop of World War and labor strife. And yet she's able to transcend to some higher levels, and get something out of it, maybe make a little sense of it, whenever she takes out the camera and uses it. 
The different reactions and repercussions to her taking up photography are awesome. And the moments where we witness her really starting to get into it are so cool. The actress is so so good, and while she's a more-or-less ordinary-looking woman, when she's seeing her results of her picture-taking, her eyes just light up with such a subtle fascination and beauty. It's awesome. 
And for this stuff, the movie's a Must-See for folks who are into Photography &/or Film-making. We get to witness this woman's entry into her Artistic Space.
The photo-shop proprietor looks at her pictures and says "It's not everybody who really has the Gift of Seeing."
If you're down with that notion like I am, then See This Movie.

I have often told people: "When you don't listen to what God is telling you in a whisper, he hits you with a hammer on the head. "Hammer on the head! Some details and signs are just too obvious to be ignored!"

And tonight, before releasing the button on the shutter, the universe left it open long enough for an indelible image of my purpose in life to be frozen in time. A snapshot for me to look back upon and say: "Yes, I remember this moment, a moment in the raw."

I wonder...

I wonder if this will work. This process that is self discovery.
Looking, wandering, wondering and moving forward. Stumbling towards a better understanding of myself.

Hopefully...

tiger+monkey=A bumpy ride...

ohh.
Year of the Tiger.

Too much change in such a short period of time.

I was afraid of this.

read along with me...

The Chinese Year of the Tiger will result in tremendous strokes of luck for the Monkey. Golden opportunities will appear out of the blue, and you need to be ready to seize them. You may get an opportunity to study abroad, stage a play, return to school or get a dream job. The sky is the limit in 2010. The one problem you will face is lack of time. You'll be so busy working, playing and creating that you'll have few opportunities to rest and relax. When you feel overwhelmed, ask friends to help you with chores and housework. They'll be happy to come to your assistance for a change.

Your family will undergo some radical changes, and you need to be prepared to assume the responsibilities of a sibling, spouse or parent who is called away on other business. A period of adjustment will ensue and a few arguments will break out. It takes time to break old habits and establish new routines. Be willing to rearrange rooms in order to accommodate your new lifestyle. "Out with the old and in with the new" should be every Monkey's motto in the Chinese Year of the Tiger.

Your work life will also experience seismic shifts. It's critical to maintain good relationships with your colleagues throughout 2010. Refuse to get drawn into office politics. By mid-year, the atmosphere may become so tense that your boss will be required to reorganize the entire team. You'll have some good suggestions for rearranging things, so warring parties won't have to deal with each other anymore.

LOVE

You need to be utterly scrupulous as far as your love life is concerned, dear Monkey. Scandals have a way of popping up during the Year of the Tiger. If you're tempted to stray from a committed relationship, either seek couples counseling or break things off altogether. Cheating will come back to haunt you. A flirtatious admirer who tries to tempt you away from your partner can't be trusted. Yes, it's flattering to get all of this attention, but in the end, you'll be glad you stayed away from this rogue.

Single Monkeys are better off focusing on their social life than pursuing romance, according to your Chinese compatibility horoscope. The Year of the Tiger could put a heartbreaker in your path. If you do happen to get swept off your feet by a silver-tongued devil, be prepared for a big shock. It may develop this admirer is juggling several relationships. Hold out until next year, when prospects for a steadfast lover will be better.

MONEY

Monkeys need to be careful about impulse purchases in the Chinese Year of the Metal Tiger. This isn't the best time to buy expensive status symbols and flashy clothes. The demands of your social life could put a serious dent in your savings, too. By putting yourself on a budget, you'll avoid the pitfalls many other Monkeys will experience in this frenetic year.

If you want to change jobs, plan to do so in the second half of the year, when your prospects will be strong. Limit your search to your current field; 2010 is not the time to switch industries. A job offer could require you to relocate. Although the idea of moving away from friends and family is upsetting, you will be glad you accepted this position. It looks as though you'll be able to make significant headway in your career. In addition, you'll meet some great new people who appreciate your unique outlook and talents.

I was afraid of this for so many many reasons...

Letting go...

“In the end these things matter most:

 How well did you love? How fully did you live? How deeply did you learn to let go?”

Buddha

emotionally, I am exhausted

Emotionally, I am exhausted.
I can't fight anymore. I have been waddling in and carrying too much pain for too long.

The anger has eroded away my life, and now, this broken container needs to be repaired and filled with happiness and love again.

that is all i ever wanted
that is all anybody ever wants

what was and what will never be
what will and what won't
was out of my hands
is out of my hands

exhausted, I am emotionally...

insane

the wind is whipping the snow across the streets like an rabid and terrified angry mob.

The sun is trying to peek through the thick translucent veil of luminescent haze.

Can you hear the muffled wailing through the wind?


the pain is unbearable.

the snow squall is beginning to slow down again

flash flood of frozen condensation

and my pain, it comes and goes, weakens and strengthens in intensity, not dependent on anything except chance and fate

the rhythms of the body and mother earth
different yet so much the same

the same
the same
yet different...

you are here...

Your truth, your decision, your best interest...

you are here...

Evil is the interruption of a truth by the pressure of particular or individual interests.


Alain Badiou






.

Bitterness.

Oh Daily Ohm,

the stories you teach us...

January 20, 2010 Bitterness Lifting Pain's Veil It is natural to feel resentment or anger when life does not unfold as expected. We consciously or unconsciously anticipated one experience, and we grieve for the loss of it when the universe puts something else in our path. Most of the time, we work through these feelings and they pass. Occasionally, our anger and resentment do not fade and are instead transformed into bitterness. Bitter feelings allow us to become perfect victims in that we no longer feel obliged to work toward healing and choose instead to identify with our pain. Yet as unwholesome as bitterness can be, it is also a natural element of our emotional palette. When we acknowledge that it is okay to feel bitter, we reconnect with our hurt in a constructive way and can begin the process of working through it. The nature of bitterness is rooted in the fact that the pain we feel provides us with a rationale. We may feel that we deserve to embrace our bitterness to its full extent. And to be bitter is, in essence, to cut ourselves off from all that is positive, hardening our hearts and vowing never to let go of our hurt. But just as bitter feelings can be self-defeating, so too can the release of bitterness be life-affirming in a way that few other emotional experiences are. When we decide that we no longer want to be bitter, we are reborn into a world filled with delight and fulfillment unlike any we knew while in the clutches of bitterness. The veil it cast over our lives is lifted, letting light and warmth touch our souls. Divesting yourself of bitter feelings can be as simple as truly forgiving and moving on. Even when your bitterness has no concrete object, you can forgive situations too. Healing pain can be challenging but may be easier if you remind yourself that you are the only entity truly affected by your emotional state. In time, you will discover that letting go of your bitterness frees you to initiate the healing process and allows you to once again celebrate the possibility of the more wonderful life you deserve.

medicate me

after a week of the emergency wards of the hospitals here being my revolving door, it took me fainting from the unbearable pain to get admitted in the hospital (2nd time's a charm...)


Complications. Medications.
Waiting, waiting.

I feel as if I have been run over by a steam roller.
One week of blinding skin-ripping-open pain has exhausted me.

At least I've got pills, and was able to walk out of the E.R (well, wheeled out).

Close call indeed.

There may be complications down the line because somebody missed the diagnosis. Some things you just have no power over I guess. Not even your own body.

we shall see.
Rest rest and rest.

The painkillers are making me manic and induce anxiety attacks. Trading apples for oranges - mental pain or physical pain. Which is the lesser of the two evils?

I can't see out of this foggy mess right now...

My daily om says...

December 22, 2009 Fog Coming out of a Haze When we feel muddled and unfocused, unsure of which way to turn, we say we are in a fog. Similar to when we are in a fog in nature, we may feel like we can’t see where we’re going or where we’ve come from, and we’re afraid if we move too quickly we might run into something hidden in the mists that seem to surround us. Being in a fog necessarily slows us down by limiting our visibility. The best choice may be to pull over and wait for the murkiness to clear. If we move at all, we must go slowly, feeling our way and keeping our eyes open for shapes emerging from the haze, perhaps relying on the taillights of someone in front of us as we make our way along the road. By and large, most of us prefer to be able to see where we are going and move steadfastly in that direction, but there are gifts that come from being in a fog. Sometimes it takes an obstacle like fog to get us to stop and be still in the moment, doing nothing. In this moment of involuntary inactivity, we may look within and find that the source of our fogginess is inside us; it could be some emotional issue that needs tending before we can safely go full steam ahead. Being in a fog reminds us that when we cannot see outside ourselves, we can always make progress by looking within. Then again, the fog may simply be teaching us important lessons about how to continue moving forward with extreme caution, harnessing our attention, watching closely for new information, and being ready to stop on a dime. We cannot predict when a fog will come, nor can we know for certain when it will lift, but we can center ourselves in the haze and wait for guidance. We may find it inside ourselves or in a pair of barely visible taillights just ahead. Whether we follow the lights out of the fog, wait for a gentle breeze to lift it, or allow the sun to burn it away, we can rest certain that one way or another, we will move forward with clarity once again.

we will move forward with clarity once again.




indeed we will...

fuck logic

Fuck logic

here is a letter to a friend.

I am so upset right now and hate having my eerie ability to act on my gut questioned.

I will have to go through my archives to find ALL THE TIMES (and yea, there were many) that i did act on my 'intuition" and amazing things happened. But this time, Mr. Logical had to ruin the day.

Mom goes in for surgery 2mrw to remove the mass.

I was shocked when she said: "you have to take this trip. Even if i have to take a cab to or from the hospital before/after the surgery, so be it. You have to go..."

and this is my mom...

so here is the email i sent to Y, the woman who many months ago, out of the blue, while holding my hand and feeling my energies, told me that I had to go to Lake Placid, because there was something there for me. This is the same woman who has told me and my mother many times of many things that without a shadow of a doubt, have come true.

Mystic perhaps?

Or as e would say - "lucky guesses"

but one guess is lucky, 20 is more than luck...

and lake placid - what were the chances that e would have to go there?

And of all places in the U.S - there???

Hi Y,

thank you for getting back to me. I passed along your email to my mom. She is in prep mode - right now she's at work and 2mrw she goes into surgery 1st thing in the morning. We are all very stressed. The doctors have been very supportive of her and she is getting the best care. Her new surgeon is so wonderful and the moment i met him, i had such a wonderful feeling. i know she is in good hands.

She will have to take another unpaid leave, which is pretty disturbing as she has run out of paid medical leave time. And it's tough too - I don't think either of us has had time to grieve the loss of her mother/my grandmother. it was her death, my wedding and now my mom's next surgery. Cuba honeymoon was a Godsend. Without that, i don't think i would have been able to survive this next journey.

Speaking of journey...

I need your advice.

The man just got an invitation to go to Lake placid for a business seminar/trade show. This came up completely out of the blue, and of course, I flipped when he told me because i remember your telling me that you had a feeling that lake placid was the place for me to go (that time we sat on my mom's steps when you felt my palm/energies). I told my mom - she said: "Go. Even if i have to take a cab to and from the hospital. If Y said to go, you have to go!"

I feel the same way. As does she still.

But e on the other hand, is not really sure.

He's trying to make excuses for me not to go - "ah, it's business, you'll be bored and stuck in a hotel room" and his latest: "we can go another time"...

but I have been telling him - IT"S NOT THE SAME THING!

but alas - a skeptic is always a skeptic, and now he has me doubting my gut feeling which is telling me to go.

But would it be the same thing if we go another time?

I feel that this chance is like a gift of fate - and that perhaps something will happen, perhaps not, but i don't want to not take this chance. In my experience, if i act on something that feels right - then something usually comes out of it. But if that instance/coincidence is changed in any way (like e's wanting to 'reschedule") - it just won't be the same.

Y, please tell me i'm crazy, but without e being able to take me down on this trip, it just wont happen - whatever is to happen.

You can't 'reschedule" fate! Am i right?

E will have to leave on monday so that does not give me much time to make a decision. I have been quickly looking into alternative ways to go down there but there are none. The amtrack route or the buss routes don't stop there, there are no planes that fly there and there is one transfer buss point and it will take 5 extra hours. I don't know what to do.

What is your gut feeling??

I have been feeling so lost, and weep all the time. I feel that i am running out of options, time and faith.

Photography has become painful - a grim reminder of something that i had once loved so much but is now giving me grief because every avenue i have taken in terms of getting my work out there has closed in my face. The same with film and writing.

I don't have much energy - and with trying to be supportive of my mom, it leaves me empty - both emotionally and spiritually. This void has become my cancer....

I'm so sorry to have to end this on a sour note, but i am such a mess right now, i can't even type any longer.

if you can get back to me before next week, it would be so very much appreciated.

and yes - i need to come down and see you and N. Your kind kindred spirits would be just the kind of prescription for a wear soul that the doctor would order.

take care of yourself and we will talk soon

friday

mom goes into surgery on friday

I guess the pathology report will take a week or so

let's hope it all gets taken out

every last little fucken cancerous cell

out

out

out!

My breasts are like a well marbled porterhouse steak

my breasts (according to my ultrasound of them today) look like a well marbled porterhouse steak.

Unfortunately, those are not my melons, so I thank whoever put those up on the net for me to make this wonderful analogy.

While mom was going for her PET scan, i was seeing the breast specialist about the lump in my left armpit near my breast. He looked at the mammograms, other ultrasounds, and then decided it needed further investigation. Two hours later, at the other side of town, i saw him again, this time, radio waves would bounce off them to send home pretty pictures.

He explained the whole image: "this is your rib, muscle tissue, fatty layer..."

"Geeze. That looks exactly like the porterhouse steak I had yesterday on the bbq"

He laughed aloud.

"that's the first time i ever heard that one before!"

"It looks like a good one. Well marbled..."

He laughed again. And then I began to laugh at the nonchalant way those things just rolled off of my tongue. Yea, that was pretty fricking funny.

They found the lump and took a biopsy. I saw the needle go in - black and white - live feed. In and out, "jiggling it a bit to get all the cells we can." It began to hurt.

"We're almost done."

And then we were.

The results. Did I really want to know?

"you can either pay to have them done here, and you get the results in 10 minutes, or you can wait to get them from the hospital in 2 weeks."

What do you think I chose?

so for 10 minutes, i tried not to stress, thinking that if it was indeed breast cancer or the beginnings of it, there was nothing I could do at that point, only move forward the best way I could. I ran the elliptical tape of spanish phrases and verbs in my head to drown out the ticking of the clock.

I walked into his office, sat down and watched him look at my dossier.

"it's normal. No cancer. You have nothing to worry about."

That is the best two words anybody can say to me. "I do" was the one that E told me a month ago, and "no cancer" today. I walked outside, relieved and tired. Had only slept 4 hours the night before. Perhaps exhaustion beyond normal fatigue is a good way to combat stress. Maybe not, but today it worked.

Mom might get her results on Friday. I want to go with her, and feel that i should, but I would like BSpgty to come along. We all support each other - I support mom, and BSpgty supports me and my mom. Mom supports BSpgty and myself.

I really really hope mom she gets those same two words.

I hope...

happy fragments - a memory of a magical night

I will have to do this in fragments

it's late, and oddly enough, past my new bedtime hour, but I have to take the memories where and when I can find them - so here they are, a few at a time.

Incredible - the weather, the place, the dress, the mood, the food.

ohh. the food was sooo good!

Memories - the Limo

And go figure, it was called the Presidential limo. No letter from Obama, but like mom said: "at least we got the Presidential Limo!" I hope somebody got a shot of me leaning near the crest making a thumbs up.

Lori could not believe how calm i was, and kept on saying so. I too was calm. Don't know how I did it, but I was. Even Ma. Neither of us cried (I don't think she did) but i was stoic, peaceful throughout.

Yea, I guess I rocked.

Dancing 

Remember at some point, Betty telling everybody to do the conga line - follow the bride. Remember looking back and seeing about 15 people waving their arms in the air - mimicking my steps. Too funny!

The ceremony

The superman blessing. How cool was that?

Seeing E tear up as he was reciting the vows. That took my breath away. How sweet was that?

Oh that had to be the best mass I have ever attended in my whole life.

That day, Fr. Gerry made us all see how cool God was...

Remember standing at the bottom of the steps, waiting for Scott, and looking outside and seeing Auntie Lilly and Uncle Stanley coming out of the car. Their fragile bodies slowly making their way up the stairs. That moved me so very much that they took the time and effort to come.

Walking down the isle - the British Airways commercial in the background on a Cassavant organ. Betty flagging me and my mom down - "Don't walk so fast! Slow Down!"

Me walking slowly, taking it all in, looking at all the faces looking at me, and then as I got closer, E looked over to me and smiled.

Sitting there, listening to Fr. Gerry talk about how he knew me, met eric, his connection to the Pols and Slovaks, the whole unity thing. He should be speech writing for Obama...

And then the vows. Facing the crowd. That was so new. I wasn't nervous. I could tell E was tho.

Still can't believe how calm i was. Don't know what came over me. And it was only .25 of an Ativan. Baby dose. And I only took it in the limo for backup; and in retrospect, I don't think I even needed it.

Our first dance.

That actually turned out to be no too painful. E was lubed up, but i was yet to discover the joys of having an open bar.  Perhaps it was a good thing he was smoothed - no counting and bobbing his head. Yea, I guess it was a good thing. We hit our mark on the end - photo finish. Everybody loved it. Auntie and Uncle told ma that we "were the new generation of dancers". Coming from two former champions, that rocked.

and I ended up wearing the shoes I wore the first time. The shoemaker made the others too big. A disappointment to me and E, but the other shoes brought us good luck. They were happy feet again.

The food - oh how awesome it was!

Really enjoyed it. But that whole Little Miss M meltdown at the table as E did his speech. Hmmm. Thank God E's joke saved the moment.

And the whole cupcake table - that was such an awesome job Anayiz did!! I hope lots of people took lots of photos of it!

And to hear how much everybody loved the whole get up - theme tables, the cd's, cupcakes etc. All that hard work, late nights were worth it.

The shoot at the park.

That was nice. Oh the weather was just perfect.

I had been terrified all the way home from the hair salon. Grey, cold, and getting darker by the minute. At one point, it even began to sprinkle, and like magic - the clouds parted, the sun came out, the temperature rose and as I stepped out of the house, into the limo - summer began.

It was so nice to walk around in the grass, the sun in my eyes, not having to worry that at 6pm, i would need a shawl or jacket (thank God we didn't end up spending 175$ on a shawl!) cause I didn't' need one anyway. Hope scott got some good shots.

Still kicking myself for not bringing my camera.

but I can't worry about that now, or let it drag the rest of these fond memories down.

Note to self: how often do you say after a concert: Oh i was so pissed off and disappointed they didn't play this song!? and let that leave a bad taste in my mouth? Can't do that now.

Must remember that out of 70+ people, at least 50 were taking photos that day. At the church, ti sounded like a press conference!!

Ooof. I am pooped.

must sleep, and hopefully to return refreshed with more happy fragments 2mrw.

the scariest thing

excerpt from a letter to a friend, freeform...

i saw firsthand the side effects of IL2 treatment and it feaked me the fuck out.

I'm so shaken, i can't close my eyes...

20 minutes after her dose, mom began to shake - i mean almost grand mal-like seizures. Apparently the body goes into septic shock. And apparently, this bout was not bad. Last week, she was shaking the bed. Two nurses had to hold her down lest she fell out and onto the floor.

she writhed in pain - moaning and shaking. All I could do was stroke her hair and shoulder and keep on repeating :"I'm here mom. It will all be okay..."

will it?

She was admitted monday night, and they didn't start treatment until today - thursday.

That's a long time to wait. She's fed up, exhausted and wanting this to be over.

she doesn't think she'll make it to # 3.

The more she gets, the better her chances are for getting rid of this thing forever.

2 is not a good number. The doctor wants 8.

minimum...

I'm so overwhelmed.

Have been swinging up and down - manic to depressed, but a more desperate depressed and manic. I'm afraid I'm going to hurt the cats in a fit of uncontrollable rage, throw my computer out the window (those invitations. I'm sick that they are not working out...) but most of all, myself.

I stood on my balcony today - warm and sunny. Spring is finally here.

But the urge to dive to the cement below head first was almost overpowering.

They are becoming more and more frequent. 

I'm slowly losing control.

But nobody believes me. Nobody who knows me now believes me. They didn't see me 20 years ago, when out of desperation, trying to stop the voices, dangerous rage and abyss of depression allowed me to fly into oncoming traffic - arms spread, eyes closed, willing to give away my life to the air.

what happened?

Somebody saw me.

I was saved.

times like this, i wish I had not been noticed...