fuck logic

Fuck logic

here is a letter to a friend.

I am so upset right now and hate having my eerie ability to act on my gut questioned.

I will have to go through my archives to find ALL THE TIMES (and yea, there were many) that i did act on my 'intuition" and amazing things happened. But this time, Mr. Logical had to ruin the day.

Mom goes in for surgery 2mrw to remove the mass.

I was shocked when she said: "you have to take this trip. Even if i have to take a cab to or from the hospital before/after the surgery, so be it. You have to go..."

and this is my mom...

so here is the email i sent to Y, the woman who many months ago, out of the blue, while holding my hand and feeling my energies, told me that I had to go to Lake Placid, because there was something there for me. This is the same woman who has told me and my mother many times of many things that without a shadow of a doubt, have come true.

Mystic perhaps?

Or as e would say - "lucky guesses"

but one guess is lucky, 20 is more than luck...

and lake placid - what were the chances that e would have to go there?

And of all places in the U.S - there???

Hi Y,

thank you for getting back to me. I passed along your email to my mom. She is in prep mode - right now she's at work and 2mrw she goes into surgery 1st thing in the morning. We are all very stressed. The doctors have been very supportive of her and she is getting the best care. Her new surgeon is so wonderful and the moment i met him, i had such a wonderful feeling. i know she is in good hands.

She will have to take another unpaid leave, which is pretty disturbing as she has run out of paid medical leave time. And it's tough too - I don't think either of us has had time to grieve the loss of her mother/my grandmother. it was her death, my wedding and now my mom's next surgery. Cuba honeymoon was a Godsend. Without that, i don't think i would have been able to survive this next journey.

Speaking of journey...

I need your advice.

The man just got an invitation to go to Lake placid for a business seminar/trade show. This came up completely out of the blue, and of course, I flipped when he told me because i remember your telling me that you had a feeling that lake placid was the place for me to go (that time we sat on my mom's steps when you felt my palm/energies). I told my mom - she said: "Go. Even if i have to take a cab to and from the hospital. If Y said to go, you have to go!"

I feel the same way. As does she still.

But e on the other hand, is not really sure.

He's trying to make excuses for me not to go - "ah, it's business, you'll be bored and stuck in a hotel room" and his latest: "we can go another time"...

but I have been telling him - IT"S NOT THE SAME THING!

but alas - a skeptic is always a skeptic, and now he has me doubting my gut feeling which is telling me to go.

But would it be the same thing if we go another time?

I feel that this chance is like a gift of fate - and that perhaps something will happen, perhaps not, but i don't want to not take this chance. In my experience, if i act on something that feels right - then something usually comes out of it. But if that instance/coincidence is changed in any way (like e's wanting to 'reschedule") - it just won't be the same.

Y, please tell me i'm crazy, but without e being able to take me down on this trip, it just wont happen - whatever is to happen.

You can't 'reschedule" fate! Am i right?

E will have to leave on monday so that does not give me much time to make a decision. I have been quickly looking into alternative ways to go down there but there are none. The amtrack route or the buss routes don't stop there, there are no planes that fly there and there is one transfer buss point and it will take 5 extra hours. I don't know what to do.

What is your gut feeling??

I have been feeling so lost, and weep all the time. I feel that i am running out of options, time and faith.

Photography has become painful - a grim reminder of something that i had once loved so much but is now giving me grief because every avenue i have taken in terms of getting my work out there has closed in my face. The same with film and writing.

I don't have much energy - and with trying to be supportive of my mom, it leaves me empty - both emotionally and spiritually. This void has become my cancer....

I'm so sorry to have to end this on a sour note, but i am such a mess right now, i can't even type any longer.

if you can get back to me before next week, it would be so very much appreciated.

and yes - i need to come down and see you and N. Your kind kindred spirits would be just the kind of prescription for a wear soul that the doctor would order.

take care of yourself and we will talk soon