black eye from a dog

no, i did not fall down the stairs
no, i didn't walk into a door either.
And a big no - to my husband beating me.

I got a black eye from a dog last night.

Was at a friend's party and his husky seemed quite zen, walking from room to room, foraging for food, until near the end of the night, i guess he was getting irritated. I went to pet him and he turned around and snapped at my face, his muzzle and one tooth narrowly missed my eye. I have a cut there now, and a black eye.

Lovely.

Mom: "You might get rabies! Make sure he had his shots!!"

oi vey.

So ice, and lots of hydrogen peroxide. This story is one for the record books...

tiger+monkey=A bumpy ride...

ohh.
Year of the Tiger.

Too much change in such a short period of time.

I was afraid of this.

read along with me...

The Chinese Year of the Tiger will result in tremendous strokes of luck for the Monkey. Golden opportunities will appear out of the blue, and you need to be ready to seize them. You may get an opportunity to study abroad, stage a play, return to school or get a dream job. The sky is the limit in 2010. The one problem you will face is lack of time. You'll be so busy working, playing and creating that you'll have few opportunities to rest and relax. When you feel overwhelmed, ask friends to help you with chores and housework. They'll be happy to come to your assistance for a change.

Your family will undergo some radical changes, and you need to be prepared to assume the responsibilities of a sibling, spouse or parent who is called away on other business. A period of adjustment will ensue and a few arguments will break out. It takes time to break old habits and establish new routines. Be willing to rearrange rooms in order to accommodate your new lifestyle. "Out with the old and in with the new" should be every Monkey's motto in the Chinese Year of the Tiger.

Your work life will also experience seismic shifts. It's critical to maintain good relationships with your colleagues throughout 2010. Refuse to get drawn into office politics. By mid-year, the atmosphere may become so tense that your boss will be required to reorganize the entire team. You'll have some good suggestions for rearranging things, so warring parties won't have to deal with each other anymore.

LOVE

You need to be utterly scrupulous as far as your love life is concerned, dear Monkey. Scandals have a way of popping up during the Year of the Tiger. If you're tempted to stray from a committed relationship, either seek couples counseling or break things off altogether. Cheating will come back to haunt you. A flirtatious admirer who tries to tempt you away from your partner can't be trusted. Yes, it's flattering to get all of this attention, but in the end, you'll be glad you stayed away from this rogue.

Single Monkeys are better off focusing on their social life than pursuing romance, according to your Chinese compatibility horoscope. The Year of the Tiger could put a heartbreaker in your path. If you do happen to get swept off your feet by a silver-tongued devil, be prepared for a big shock. It may develop this admirer is juggling several relationships. Hold out until next year, when prospects for a steadfast lover will be better.

MONEY

Monkeys need to be careful about impulse purchases in the Chinese Year of the Metal Tiger. This isn't the best time to buy expensive status symbols and flashy clothes. The demands of your social life could put a serious dent in your savings, too. By putting yourself on a budget, you'll avoid the pitfalls many other Monkeys will experience in this frenetic year.

If you want to change jobs, plan to do so in the second half of the year, when your prospects will be strong. Limit your search to your current field; 2010 is not the time to switch industries. A job offer could require you to relocate. Although the idea of moving away from friends and family is upsetting, you will be glad you accepted this position. It looks as though you'll be able to make significant headway in your career. In addition, you'll meet some great new people who appreciate your unique outlook and talents.

I was afraid of this for so many many reasons...

A rant to a community

Sore, angry and scared as hell, i posted this onto an online community here in town. I know i'm not the only one. I was not looking for answers, just to vent. But now fear and deeper pain inside of me grows. A long grueling weekend ahead.

Oh yea, E said he got an email from my father. Read the first line and decided not to go on any further. "We don't need this today".

Oh how right he is.

and just like my impending diagnosis, i wait with strained and anxious baited breath to hear what has to be said....

RANT


I just came back from the Royal hospital and it was a nightmare.

First, one of the emergency medical team guys was an arrogant asshole (he was making snide comment, saying that "if you were in that much pain, you would not be smiling..." 

i was just trying to be pleasant cause he was being such a douche...


and then went on to argue with me saying that "fibromyalgia" was not a "real disease" (i have it, and it's hell..), and then doubled over, i see a doctor who does a vague exam, pokes my stomach, as i yelp in pain and then says, "well, everything looks okay, why don't you take a few Tylenol and come back if you vomit or have a fever"  and was shipped out.

No blood tests, no nothing.


The last time I was flippantly discharged like this was 5 years ago after having complications with my gallbladder. The next day, i passed out in the shower, was rushed back to the hospital and was almost in severe kidney failure. Was actually being fast tracked for a transplant. Very serious...

my mom had cancer in her lungs, stomach, lymph nodes. Guess what doc? She didn't have a fever or was vomiting...


but I go back because other people have had good experiences there and all of my specialist are at the Royal V. All my files, blood tests, etc. Easy access especially if you are me with all the things i have going on...


So after this "f*&k you", from Dr. Bitchy, i hobbled over to see my stomach specialist who luckily was in the building. He was in the middle of a marathon colononcopy/gastroscopy session, but took the time to see me anyway. He was flabbergasted that i was not given so much as a blood test. He ordered some and is also setting me up for a CT scan next week. "If i do it through the emerg, you can get it next week. Otherwise you will be waiting months, and in your condition, I don't think that's a good idea..."

But he only does stomachs and i have another lady problem. My gyno said nothing short of "you are wasting my time", did the quickest exam, (I blinked and almost missed it) and brushed me off, despite me almost begging for her to give me any kind of blood test. After some arm twisting, she sent me for an ultrasound.

It's only today that I found out from a friend that she recently misdiagnosed one of her patients - and completely missed the ovarian cancer that was spreading like wildfire.

My GP is only available once a week (and my luck, is now on vacation) and every other walk in clinic i have gone to (don't go to Mount medical. It's a Nightmare!!) is staffed with doctors who are jaded and flippant about their jobs. One actually complained that he was not getting paid enough and did not have a clue why he was still in the medical profession.


Don't get me started on the JGeneral...


I kid you not - when my mom was in the emergency there, I saw a doctor who was yelling, I mean YELLING at the top of his lungs to all the nurses at the station. Serious prima donna temper tantrum. No wonder these poor nurses are burning out!

So is anybody else out there worried about the state of our current medical system?

Is the only way to go private?

http://www.ratemds.com/ has some interesting comments on some of our doctors. I suggest you check it out.

And as you would guess, the private doctors are the ones who actually care about their jobs. Money talks, and apparently in this case, heals too.

But if you don't have the cash...???




I'm sorry if I'm ranting, but I'm sure I'm not the only one with horror stories.

to be clear - I'm NOT LOOKING FOR ANSWERS, just support i guess...

oh yea - happy b.day to my incessant ramblings...

five years ago, November 10th 2004, i started this blog.

it's been a good run, and i think i'll keep it up for a little while longer.

Happy birthday to me :-)

letter to a doctor

Today, I was just so desperate.

Got a message from my G.P, that my shrink said he wanted to take my meds down by a huge chunk. I can feel the difference between 10-20mg, but 150 made me so nervous i cracked.

All the ooze just came spilling out.

It had to come out. I was rotting inside.

make of it what he will, but you know, this month being "mental health awareness month", it might be a good thing that this gets out.

Dear Dr. C

just got an email from my g.p who informed me that you advised I decrease my Welbutrin to 150mg from 300mg (i kept on forgetting to take the extra 50 mg because i had to manually split the pill, and by the time i did remember, i had started to get manic) and no Starnoc or Xanax.

I can honestly tell you that is going to be a big problem...

Since you are not at the office right now, i have reluctantly resorted to email because i think this needs to be sorted out very quickly. and apologize profusely for bothering you, but since we can't speak on the phone tonight in detail about this matter, i don't know what to do or who to turn to because I am so completely desperate, and if my mood gets worse, might have to make a trip to the emergency tonight.

I'm a) worried about going down to 150mg of Welbutrin. From 300 that is a HUGE jump for my system. And if the current 300mg is keeping me barely afloat on good days (in terms of depression), I don't even want to think what 150 will do to me. Those lows terrify me. I have tried to commit suicide in the past, and with those thoughts lurking close to the surface these past two months, would a huge decrease like that be a wise thing to do during this time?

and b) without Starnoc (with was the only thing that helped me sleep in the past, and i believe had been taking it while on Welbutrin approximately 3 years ago, and had taken it 6 months ago, and again on the night before my wedding because i had "an emergency stash) i don't see why it would be a problem now since i am still on Welbutrin, unless there is some policy about doctors giving prescriptions for getting medications over the border, or via the internet that nobody wants to tell me about directly, because up to now, i have not had any solid comprehensive answers as to why i can't take it now.

I find it beyond frustrating and infuriating that I should have to be penalized for not being able to get a medication that is readily available in the U.S but not here in Canada because somebody didn't do their job marketing it properly at the corporate level. I will call Servier Canada again this week, as well as the people at Wyeth (who are holding on to the patents but not giving information to if or when they will put Starnoc back on the market), but this time i will get all the names of people i speak to as well as everything i was told in writing (which was) "Starnoc was taken off the market - purely for marketing reasons", because when i explain my story, it seems to me that every doctor i tell thinks I'm full of it. I'm not a liar, just desperate to be able to get the drugs that help me get the sleep that i so desperately need.

as you know, Ativan and i do not have a good history. I skipped a dose one night and thought i was honestly going to die. And nobody bothered to tell me that going off "cold turkey" was equal to somebody detoxing cold turkey from alcohol or harder drugs. I had to find out the hard way.

It was beyond any word that terrifying can describe, and i never want to feel that way again. I don't want to have to take it (Ativan) on a regular basis because i don't want to be dependent on a sleeping pill, but the catch 22 is, if i need it, i will take it, but if i do take it for more than one night in a row I will have to keep on taking it because cold turkey or skipping a dose one night is not an option - so the only way to do so is to taper off. I want to take something only when i need it, and not worry about going "cold turkey" when i don't.

I hope that you understand my predicament.

And i'm not sure if I shared this with you, but, when i was on Ativan in the past, I had gone up to 2.5 mg (about 6-8 months ago ?) because the 0.5 mg initially prescribed stopped being effective. Right now, i'm up to almost 1mg. The pattern is sure to repeat itself, which once again, as stated above, the eventual outcome is not an option.

Immovane makes me physically ill, because the nausea from the metallic taste in my mouth last for 24 hours. And unless i take large doses of Trazadone (which recently, I have taken up to 2 pills a night), I feel as if i am completely stoned, clumsy, disoriented BUT not sleepy.

Sleep plays a big part in the regulation of my bipolar, and perhaps because i have not been able to sleep, has made me in turn, more manic. At this point, i am so completely desperate, I don't know what to do, and I'm sure it's not easy for all the physicians treating me, but I am so very terribly distraught right now, and with my mom's scan at the end of November, it's imperative that I remain calm, focused and be able to sleep, which will in turn, will allow me to be able to be calm, focused etc. If and when the cancer comes back, i can't afford for my sake, but mostly for hers, to be the one who needs an incredible amount of emotional support and/or physical care because i have had another meltdown.

And yes, I have tried yoga, acupuncture, meditation, hypnosis, Valerian root, Nytol, Tynenol PM, Benadryl , holistic/natural sleep medication, warm milk, bananas, turkey, Melatonin (which my pharmacist advised me against because of my thyroid problem), and have also asked her about SAM-E, but she also advised against it because i am on the Welbutrin and Lamictal, but aside from knocking myself unconscious, I don't know what else to do.

I will as of tomorrow, try to scramble to find somebody who will see me through the system for free because after consulting with my husband tonight about our finances, we simply can't afford to pay anybody through private practice. I had maxed out this year's limit with other "therapy/councelling/life coaching sessions" (at 175$ hour, and my yearly limit being $500) and since i am not working, or in any real shape to do so, unemployment has run out and welfare not really an option since we are "supposed to be making enough income" to survive, life seems at best, bleak. Over the years, I have been through the system many times. I know that after my first nervous breakdown some 21 years ago, the average waiting time back then was 3-6 months at best to see a doctor through the hospital. Honesty, I don't think that i will be able to last that long, (if not longer now) and that scares me, well, to death.

Once again, I apologize profusely for sending you this email, but i want you to know what is happening since you are following my case and do know me and my sorted history, but also because in my current state, am manic so can type quickly, and i can still type and weep at the same time, unlike talking on the phone - this needed to be told and don't know if i will be as coherent or in any shape to talk about this tomorrow.

If you would like, you can call me at home tonight.

I will take another ativan to try to stay calm, but 1mg will be tonight's limit, and i really hope that will be enough. If anything, my husband is at the ready to take me to the hospital if need be.

And tomorrow, I will be on a photo assignment from 10 to 1pm, and then away from 5-11pm, and Friday morning might be the best time to call me at home, but because i am (trying to) working with an organization that needs photos quickly, my computer is always on.

I'm attaching my mood charts so you can see what has been going on. In all actuality, October has been quite an uneventful month, and normally, that would have in turn, stabilized my mood. When things around me in my life get out of control, i tend to swing, but with a calm environment, my swings came out of the blue and have taken me completely by surprise and have terrified me.

Dr. C, thank you once again for your compassion and understanding of my difficult and complex situation, and once again, sincerely and deeply apologize for troubling you.

Sincerely,

HpK

Deep woods off

Came back from camping the other day.

God. It did us so much good to get away - into the woods, with nature, waking up and hearing the birds sing, the smell of fresh moist earth and wet leaves.

We are all meated out. Hamburgers, steak, and more steak. The best things on the bbq and so easy to make. BBQ season ends soon, thankfully. I've put on 10 pounds since the wedding. But i've enjoyed every mouthful of food that i've shoveled into my pie hole.

Putting up and taking down twice was a chore. We should have stayed at one site, but it was nice to see the rest of the park. First site - right off the water. It was my little fresh water ocean. Waves lapping against the weather-beaten rocks. The wind was refreshing. Kept the mosquitos away too. Nature's insect repellant.

Next site - deep in the belly of the forest. Waking up to a sea of green and dark bark. Nothing like it. Watching log burning tv live was simply bliss.

We got eaten alive. Especially me - welts all over my body. Some infected. Think i might be allergic to black fly stings. There must have been one that snuck into the tent. He must be a fat happy motherfucker today.

Dreamt of my father's father - he was carrying bibles and was waiting in some hallway to an office space with meeting rooms off on the side (hmm. purgatory perhaps?) and holding bibles. Funny and ironic. He was a communist in real life. Perhaps he switched his views while stepping out of his body. Too many iron clad ideas to carry along into the next dimension.

He spoke to me - as always, without words. Was very happy to see me. I didn't waste any time telling him all about my father, how much of an asshole he had been, become, the whole wedding fiasco, how he left me and mom high and dry. I let it all out - without holding back. He had to know that his "perfect son" was not without some really huge ass flaws.

I was so bowled over by his reaction. Utter and complete sadness. He kept on apologizing, over and over again, saying how he never knew and could not believe how he could have brought up such an angry man. Clutching his bibles, eyes watering, repeating like a mantra: "I'm so so very sorry. I never knew". In the distance, i saw a fading apparition of staranka, and thought to myself, "she set up this meeting for me. I had a funny feeling she would..."

A few days later, dreamt of Starenka. Had not dreamt of her since she died, which is odd for me since dead people show up in my dreams not long after they die to tell me how good they are doing, and how they are watching out for me. She looked so well, rosy cheeks, glowing smile, wearing the crazy tacky costume jewelry I gave her with so much pride.

She told me how happy she was that i came to visit her in her new home. Nurses and social workers buzzed about, all smiling and laughing with her. What a wonderful atmosphere. Always the social butterfly, she alternated talking to me with arranging her seating area, giving away candy to the nurses. Nothing much had changed, except she was finally at peace.

I felt a sense of relief, of warmth surround us. She told me not to worry, that she was looking out for me and my mom. With arms wide open, I walked into a warm grandmotherly hug and she was wheeled away down the hall.

Turns out mom dreamt of her too, the same night while mom was at a country house with me and my friends. "I've come to visit and I've brought some of my friends. I hope you don't mind, we are going to stay five days!". Mom was happy, but also knew she had a lot of work ahead with 8 people to feed and entertain, but was grateful for the visit.

"I'm always working. Even in my dreams. No wonder i wake up tired every morning" mom said after sharing her memory with me today.

And today, despite the infected bug bites, the sweltering humidity in the city, and mounds of dirty stinky clothes left from camping waiting to be washed, i feel happy and calm.

It's nice to get these kinds of visits. Even if they are only through our dreams.

Note to self, deep woods off is absolute crap.

swelling etc...

got to see the doc today - the swelling in my armpits has continued. It comes and goes, but it's been around for a while now. And then, this morning, the swelling under my chin, near my neck.

I have been losing my memory - forgetting little things, words, places, spacing out.

My joints have been aching - something terrible.

And peeing. So much peeing. No burning, just urgency and frequency.

so many symptoms, so many possible diseases.

I'm trying so hard not to think of worst case scenario right now. I don't have the energy, but when i saw the look of concern on my doctor's face this afternoon, i could not help but wonder.

so off to see stomach doc 2mrw, and blood tests for regular doc on friday.

I'm hoping that my vacation next week will be trouble and dire news message free while i am away...

happy fragments - a memory of a magical night

I will have to do this in fragments

it's late, and oddly enough, past my new bedtime hour, but I have to take the memories where and when I can find them - so here they are, a few at a time.

Incredible - the weather, the place, the dress, the mood, the food.

ohh. the food was sooo good!

Memories - the Limo

And go figure, it was called the Presidential limo. No letter from Obama, but like mom said: "at least we got the Presidential Limo!" I hope somebody got a shot of me leaning near the crest making a thumbs up.

Lori could not believe how calm i was, and kept on saying so. I too was calm. Don't know how I did it, but I was. Even Ma. Neither of us cried (I don't think she did) but i was stoic, peaceful throughout.

Yea, I guess I rocked.

Dancing 

Remember at some point, Betty telling everybody to do the conga line - follow the bride. Remember looking back and seeing about 15 people waving their arms in the air - mimicking my steps. Too funny!

The ceremony

The superman blessing. How cool was that?

Seeing E tear up as he was reciting the vows. That took my breath away. How sweet was that?

Oh that had to be the best mass I have ever attended in my whole life.

That day, Fr. Gerry made us all see how cool God was...

Remember standing at the bottom of the steps, waiting for Scott, and looking outside and seeing Auntie Lilly and Uncle Stanley coming out of the car. Their fragile bodies slowly making their way up the stairs. That moved me so very much that they took the time and effort to come.

Walking down the isle - the British Airways commercial in the background on a Cassavant organ. Betty flagging me and my mom down - "Don't walk so fast! Slow Down!"

Me walking slowly, taking it all in, looking at all the faces looking at me, and then as I got closer, E looked over to me and smiled.

Sitting there, listening to Fr. Gerry talk about how he knew me, met eric, his connection to the Pols and Slovaks, the whole unity thing. He should be speech writing for Obama...

And then the vows. Facing the crowd. That was so new. I wasn't nervous. I could tell E was tho.

Still can't believe how calm i was. Don't know what came over me. And it was only .25 of an Ativan. Baby dose. And I only took it in the limo for backup; and in retrospect, I don't think I even needed it.

Our first dance.

That actually turned out to be no too painful. E was lubed up, but i was yet to discover the joys of having an open bar.  Perhaps it was a good thing he was smoothed - no counting and bobbing his head. Yea, I guess it was a good thing. We hit our mark on the end - photo finish. Everybody loved it. Auntie and Uncle told ma that we "were the new generation of dancers". Coming from two former champions, that rocked.

and I ended up wearing the shoes I wore the first time. The shoemaker made the others too big. A disappointment to me and E, but the other shoes brought us good luck. They were happy feet again.

The food - oh how awesome it was!

Really enjoyed it. But that whole Little Miss M meltdown at the table as E did his speech. Hmmm. Thank God E's joke saved the moment.

And the whole cupcake table - that was such an awesome job Anayiz did!! I hope lots of people took lots of photos of it!

And to hear how much everybody loved the whole get up - theme tables, the cd's, cupcakes etc. All that hard work, late nights were worth it.

The shoot at the park.

That was nice. Oh the weather was just perfect.

I had been terrified all the way home from the hair salon. Grey, cold, and getting darker by the minute. At one point, it even began to sprinkle, and like magic - the clouds parted, the sun came out, the temperature rose and as I stepped out of the house, into the limo - summer began.

It was so nice to walk around in the grass, the sun in my eyes, not having to worry that at 6pm, i would need a shawl or jacket (thank God we didn't end up spending 175$ on a shawl!) cause I didn't' need one anyway. Hope scott got some good shots.

Still kicking myself for not bringing my camera.

but I can't worry about that now, or let it drag the rest of these fond memories down.

Note to self: how often do you say after a concert: Oh i was so pissed off and disappointed they didn't play this song!? and let that leave a bad taste in my mouth? Can't do that now.

Must remember that out of 70+ people, at least 50 were taking photos that day. At the church, ti sounded like a press conference!!

Ooof. I am pooped.

must sleep, and hopefully to return refreshed with more happy fragments 2mrw.