whaaa??

I'm always floored when people say they like my art. I mean, people who say they really like my art. Not just because the pictures are pretty, the colors are harmonious, faces are attractive or subject matter is witty. But people who are artists themselves, who use art as a vehicle for communication, expression, living.

A fellow artist reached out to me the other day. Saw my photos on Saatchi Online and wanted to send me an email.

I was checking my messages on Saatchi and saw your thumbnail. So I ventured over to your site and I love what you do. Its some really great stuff and I know what little relief, confirmation, or whatever other reaction that comes from someones mere recognition of your work, but I felt that you at least deserve that. I love the portraits and your film.




Wow.


I mean wow!


I was completely blown away. 


And that was only a portion of some of the other messages i received over the past few days...


This was all hot on the heels of a few weeks ago when a publishing house from Jakarta found three of my images online and wanted to put them in their next book of "upcoming and important art". There was a catch - to buy the book was 100$ US (200$ retail), but it was not mandatory to be a part of it. The royalties are bird poop, but to know that this book will be circulating all through Asia is quite an eye opener. Who knows what will happen, who will see my work. The important thing is that it's getting out there. FINALLY. On the wings of a prayer and pixel, things might just be looking up.


I was all about to toss my camera away. Relegate it to the halls of silent sewing machines and miscellanies of cloistered craft kits. The dead zone of artistic endeavors started with good intentions, but now fated to become relics for future generations. 




I had one last hope. One last whim as a "photographer" - to submit to a high gloss fashion magazine. "What do I have to lose? No stamps involved in cybermail !"


Well, off it went. And to bed was I to go. But seven minutes after the initial whoosh sound from my outbox, came a delicate "bing!"


Oh, crap. It bounced.
Was my first thought. Now I know that I have to modify my first thoughts from constantly being negative to perhaps being optimistic!




Note to self. 
Make a note of this...


WOW!! The first one rocks!!! The second is grand and if we place these, I want to make sure there is a full message. do you have more to look at?? Can't wait!


why, yes, as a matter of fact, I do!


and so off it went, batch # 2, and then 3, and 4.


What did I get back?
Well, the universe rewarded me with this one:


You have such a lovely perspective on your art. I went through your images and there are so many I really loved. I would love to see a mix of some for you to submit if you are down with that. I will go through them and post them and if you are into it, please send images by following the image submission form. I can't believe the talent the body painter has! WOW! HOLY SEEEEEEETTTTT!!!


whaaaaattt!?!??


Really?!!


This magazine kicks serious ass. I mean, really serious ass. It was a submission on a whim. Never even thought i'd get a second look cause the quality is beyond top notch, it's stellar. And me with my little self portraits looking all moody and stuff.. 


But it was not 10 minutes after this email I got another.

Some other gallery owner personally took the time to email me to notify me of an "art competition i should know about". He, an art collector, was online and found my site. "We look forward to viewing your submissions".

whaaaaattt!?!??

Floored. 

It was all i could do to not jump around the house like a child on Christmas morning.

two days after, a new connection with a fellow flickr-er.

I loved her work. It spoke to me, and apparently, mine did to her as well...

You know, i was actually timid about making you a contact.... I thought you'd find my work.. I don't know... overdone of bland...

So for two years, i've followed your work, where i saw it in groups, but never felt i should join in the parade of your followers.

I regret that, now *s

Holy sheeeeet.

Was this the universe hammering me in the head - shouting at me: "DON'T DO IT! KEEP YOUR CAMERA!! KEEP ON GOING!!"

well, whatever it was, is, will be, it's working. And I'm so very thankful of every day that my work travels over millions of miles of network cables, through the air, and into the eyes and minds of those who choose to see.

Thank you universe.

Thank you God.

Thank me.

Thank you :-)

and of course...

got back yesterday from a week of camping. Miss it already - the smell of trees in the morning, marshmallow roasting, mosquito swatting, refreshing lake swimming - pure sublime Vermont mountain chill...

A rant to a community

Sore, angry and scared as hell, i posted this onto an online community here in town. I know i'm not the only one. I was not looking for answers, just to vent. But now fear and deeper pain inside of me grows. A long grueling weekend ahead.

Oh yea, E said he got an email from my father. Read the first line and decided not to go on any further. "We don't need this today".

Oh how right he is.

and just like my impending diagnosis, i wait with strained and anxious baited breath to hear what has to be said....

RANT


I just came back from the Royal hospital and it was a nightmare.

First, one of the emergency medical team guys was an arrogant asshole (he was making snide comment, saying that "if you were in that much pain, you would not be smiling..." 

i was just trying to be pleasant cause he was being such a douche...


and then went on to argue with me saying that "fibromyalgia" was not a "real disease" (i have it, and it's hell..), and then doubled over, i see a doctor who does a vague exam, pokes my stomach, as i yelp in pain and then says, "well, everything looks okay, why don't you take a few Tylenol and come back if you vomit or have a fever"  and was shipped out.

No blood tests, no nothing.


The last time I was flippantly discharged like this was 5 years ago after having complications with my gallbladder. The next day, i passed out in the shower, was rushed back to the hospital and was almost in severe kidney failure. Was actually being fast tracked for a transplant. Very serious...

my mom had cancer in her lungs, stomach, lymph nodes. Guess what doc? She didn't have a fever or was vomiting...


but I go back because other people have had good experiences there and all of my specialist are at the Royal V. All my files, blood tests, etc. Easy access especially if you are me with all the things i have going on...


So after this "f*&k you", from Dr. Bitchy, i hobbled over to see my stomach specialist who luckily was in the building. He was in the middle of a marathon colononcopy/gastroscopy session, but took the time to see me anyway. He was flabbergasted that i was not given so much as a blood test. He ordered some and is also setting me up for a CT scan next week. "If i do it through the emerg, you can get it next week. Otherwise you will be waiting months, and in your condition, I don't think that's a good idea..."

But he only does stomachs and i have another lady problem. My gyno said nothing short of "you are wasting my time", did the quickest exam, (I blinked and almost missed it) and brushed me off, despite me almost begging for her to give me any kind of blood test. After some arm twisting, she sent me for an ultrasound.

It's only today that I found out from a friend that she recently misdiagnosed one of her patients - and completely missed the ovarian cancer that was spreading like wildfire.

My GP is only available once a week (and my luck, is now on vacation) and every other walk in clinic i have gone to (don't go to Mount medical. It's a Nightmare!!) is staffed with doctors who are jaded and flippant about their jobs. One actually complained that he was not getting paid enough and did not have a clue why he was still in the medical profession.


Don't get me started on the JGeneral...


I kid you not - when my mom was in the emergency there, I saw a doctor who was yelling, I mean YELLING at the top of his lungs to all the nurses at the station. Serious prima donna temper tantrum. No wonder these poor nurses are burning out!

So is anybody else out there worried about the state of our current medical system?

Is the only way to go private?

http://www.ratemds.com/ has some interesting comments on some of our doctors. I suggest you check it out.

And as you would guess, the private doctors are the ones who actually care about their jobs. Money talks, and apparently in this case, heals too.

But if you don't have the cash...???




I'm sorry if I'm ranting, but I'm sure I'm not the only one with horror stories.

to be clear - I'm NOT LOOKING FOR ANSWERS, just support i guess...

My cervix is falling! My cervix is falling!

Phew...
went to see the doc yesterday cause I thought I was getting some sort of nasty infection - or something. My hoho didn't feel right - felt as if it was going to fall out. Seriously. The most bizarre sensation that I have ever felt in my life. Funny thing my body, up to a week before the operation, I was blocked up solid. A few hours after? I'm running to the bowl non stop. And the final last push often had me wailing in pain. "This can't be happening! Not now!" I shouted to my mom as she sat perplexed and helpless in the next room.

"Oh my dear! Is there anything I can do?"

And really, there was nothing that she could have done.

I popped immodium like a kid eating candy on Halloween, which, normally should have blocked me up till next year, but alas, the surgical assault on my body put my inner plumbing into overdrive - dry heaving after the three needles to numb my stubborn cervix, kept on pumping out the sewage at record speed.

not fun.

but a few days later, the storm subsided and life seemed to return to normal, until Tuesday, and the chaos began again...

I began to bleed - really bad. A lot. More than usual. A cause for alarm. Felt weak, about as strong as a wet piece of paper. Dizzy and clumsy. Exhausted and foggy. Was I hemorrhaging? I couldn't tell for sure. Did all that pushing finally shake something loose inside? Was my cervix really falling this time? (I knew it wasn't but it sure felt like it...)

The pain became almost unbearable. That ripping, shredding sensation was surreal and I began to panic. Was this normal? So long after the procedure?


Called the office - the nurse said to come down right away. An infection at that site could be really tricky to deal with if it's progressed to the surrounding tissue. Just what I needed...

Got there - this place is always full. Makes me think of what a betting area of a race track would look like. A hodge podge of anxious faces, waiting to be seen as soon as possible. The wait, an obvious strain apparent in their vacant stares. Almost full term mothers about to pop, pre, perio and post meopausal women fighting off hot flashes in this overly chilly air conditioned room, and a handful of anxious your ladies coming in for their first gyno exam or pap. All wanting to be seen as soon as possible. Get this over and done with fast. As soon as possible. Time is ticking, and the suspense is killing me...

I mean, who looks forward to seeing their gynecologist!?
I know I don't...

An uppity high society woman sat next to me, tapping on her pristine copy of the latest issue of Vogue magazine. Huffing and puffing into the air.
"this is ridicilous! I'm going to get you into see another doctor!"

She strutted up to the window and leaned in, ready for a catty confrontation.

"Excuse me miss. My daughter and I have been waiting here for the past hour and a half. What is the holdup?"

a muffled voice from behind the glass replied.

"yes, but she has school and I have to get her back to class. I don't understand - people have been coming in and out, many who have just come in and are being seen before us. Why is this happening?"

mumble mumble, doctors, mumble mumble, best we can, mumble mumble, please mumble mumble, as soon as possible...

She was pissed.

Her shiny Gucci loafers stomped back to her spot in the chair next to me. Huffing and puffing like a locomotive at rush hour, she snapped: "this is absolutley ridiculous!", making sure everybody around her and on the upper floors heard.

You can imagine my surprise, and fear for my life when just 15 minutes after my arrival, and two minutes after her tirade, my name as called. I was sure that the back of my head was going to be her target for the hard spine of a flying magazine...

The nurse was sweet and concerned. I gave her the rundown. She told me that everything would be okay and that the doctor would be in to see me shortly. I shivered beneath the thin cotton gown, another draped over my legs for warmth.

On the monitor in the corner was a still shot of a previous exam. I'll spare you the details, but it was not the kind of information I needed to see about the previous patient...

what a horrible looking desktop image i said to myself. Couldn't laugh too loud. But what a funny thought. Was thinking of passing that by the doc, but wasn't too sure if he would have found it as funny as I did, so I decided to keep it to myself.

He came in and said hi, a young intern, stiff and freshly academic by his side.

How are you Miss K? What can we do for you today?

i gave him my shopping list of symptoms, and questions. He was kind and concerned, but assured me that there was no real cause for alarm. After some poking and prodding, examining and having a session of medical show and tell, he surmised:

"well, you just have your period. There are no abrasions or cuts from the site, just a little tenderness, which is to be expected. I'm going to give you some antibiotics just to be on the safe side"

So that was it. Nothing to be worried about. Phew!
I was still in pain, and bleeding like a river, but at least I was assured that the healing had begun.

I thanked him, he told me to make sure to come back for the 6 month follow up and then was on my way out.

Walked up to the nurse (who's name was exactly the same as mine, and she was really sweet) and told her what happened.

"I know the other secretary told me that if they get the results, and everything is normal, they won't call, but can you call me nonetheless? I'm going to be waiting on pins and needles for the next 4-6 weeks, I just want to be sure."

"Oh no problem at all! I'm happy that the exam showed nothing serious. Take care of yourself. Everything is going to be alright." she squeezed my hand and smiled. I'm sure that I'm not the first worried woman she had encountered today.

and as I turned around to go, out of the corner of my eye, I saw madame vogue and her now teary eyed teenage daughter, who almost 45 minutes ago saw me walk down the hall into the examining room, coming back out again, look at me with daggers in their eyes. My wobbly legs were way ahead of the rest of my body in trying to find the nearest exit to escape to!