God. It did us so much good to get away - into the woods, with nature, waking up and hearing the birds sing, the smell of fresh moist earth and wet leaves.
We are all meated out. Hamburgers, steak, and more steak. The best things on the bbq and so easy to make. BBQ season ends soon, thankfully. I've put on 10 pounds since the wedding. But i've enjoyed every mouthful of food that i've shoveled into my pie hole.
Putting up and taking down twice was a chore. We should have stayed at one site, but it was nice to see the rest of the park. First site - right off the water. It was my little fresh water ocean. Waves lapping against the weather-beaten rocks. The wind was refreshing. Kept the mosquitos away too. Nature's insect repellant.
Next site - deep in the belly of the forest. Waking up to a sea of green and dark bark. Nothing like it. Watching log burning tv live was simply bliss.
We got eaten alive. Especially me - welts all over my body. Some infected. Think i might be allergic to black fly stings. There must have been one that snuck into the tent. He must be a fat happy motherfucker today.
Dreamt of my father's father - he was carrying bibles and was waiting in some hallway to an office space with meeting rooms off on the side (hmm. purgatory perhaps?) and holding bibles. Funny and ironic. He was a communist in real life. Perhaps he switched his views while stepping out of his body. Too many iron clad ideas to carry along into the next dimension.
He spoke to me - as always, without words. Was very happy to see me. I didn't waste any time telling him all about my father, how much of an asshole he had been, become, the whole wedding fiasco, how he left me and mom high and dry. I let it all out - without holding back. He had to know that his "perfect son" was not without some really huge ass flaws.
I was so bowled over by his reaction. Utter and complete sadness. He kept on apologizing, over and over again, saying how he never knew and could not believe how he could have brought up such an angry man. Clutching his bibles, eyes watering, repeating like a mantra: "I'm so so very sorry. I never knew". In the distance, i saw a fading apparition of staranka, and thought to myself, "she set up this meeting for me. I had a funny feeling she would..."
A few days later, dreamt of Starenka. Had not dreamt of her since she died, which is odd for me since dead people show up in my dreams not long after they die to tell me how good they are doing, and how they are watching out for me. She looked so well, rosy cheeks, glowing smile, wearing the crazy tacky costume jewelry I gave her with so much pride.
She told me how happy she was that i came to visit her in her new home. Nurses and social workers buzzed about, all smiling and laughing with her. What a wonderful atmosphere. Always the social butterfly, she alternated talking to me with arranging her seating area, giving away candy to the nurses. Nothing much had changed, except she was finally at peace.
I felt a sense of relief, of warmth surround us. She told me not to worry, that she was looking out for me and my mom. With arms wide open, I walked into a warm grandmotherly hug and she was wheeled away down the hall.
Turns out mom dreamt of her too, the same night while mom was at a country house with me and my friends. "I've come to visit and I've brought some of my friends. I hope you don't mind, we are going to stay five days!". Mom was happy, but also knew she had a lot of work ahead with 8 people to feed and entertain, but was grateful for the visit.
"I'm always working. Even in my dreams. No wonder i wake up tired every morning" mom said after sharing her memory with me today.
And today, despite the infected bug bites, the sweltering humidity in the city, and mounds of dirty stinky clothes left from camping waiting to be washed, i feel happy and calm.
It's nice to get these kinds of visits. Even if they are only through our dreams.
Note to self, deep woods off is absolute crap.
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