when there is no passion, no spark, just jealousy?
Anger, disappointment?
When the one that made you feel whole, alive now makes you long for the past?
What happens when those memories are too painful to relive, revisit?
I am seriously considering selling my camera.
There is no joy in my photography anymore. There is no excitement, no reward.
A craft that i once attributed to saving my life has now become my poison.
It's so sad. The feeling is bittersweet, as if i am saying goodbye to a lover who has been my secret confidant. But I must move on.
Every time I hear about people around me, people who i know getting all this attention for their photography, a weekend hobby and a shitty 80$ digital camera, that makes me sad. I spent years on the craft. The art. Somebody just comes along, shoots off 600 images, and yes, because the law of odds allows them chance, get a good shot out of the bunch, be praised and honored - makes 10 + years of study, toil and tears jump out the window.
There is a big difference between somebody who personally invests in their art, the creative process, and people who are just bored, curious or lazy. I'm tired of fighting. I have done enough in the past few months to last ten lifetimes.
But i can't help but feel a deep sense of loss, abandonment, fear.
When i come back from camping, i'm going to put my camera and equipment up for sale. The money i make from it could go far in getting me a ticket to Europe. Perhaps to Greece. I need to make a profound change. I need to cut out my own psychological cancer that has been ravaging my body for some time.
Thank you photography, you have been very special to me, but now i must move on.
I no longer recognize you anymore, and that's a pity.
5 comments:
hellophotokitty,
Don't fight so much, just do...like you have said it is a relationship. It will change. Don't confuse the creation with the marketing of your art.
You have so much to say, but perhaps your artistic voice is changing too.
Hope you don't mind me being directive. I sense the honesty in how you express yourself.
Nancy
A little over fourteen years ago, I had my first and – excepting one group show – only photo exhibition.
It came amidst the last days of my crumbling marriage. Half of the show had been shot and printed at about the time my wife told me she wanted out; the remaining portraits (including hers) were shot, printed, matted, framed and hung for a May show.
Perhaps it's needless to say it, but it was an emotionally exhausting time. Once the show was up, I pretty much put down the camera (except for an occasional photo job) and didn't think much about photography.
At about the same time, my creative energies went into my songwriting. I did open mics, jammed with friends regularly, wrote songs at work, while driving (in my head, of course!)... pretty much all the time. Nearly everything I saw, heard or felt seemed to become a song.
Then along came flickr. It brought me back to something that I probably never should have left behind.
Perhaps all you need is a break, but I strongly suggest that you've not seen the last of your interest (or passion) for your photography.
Nancy, Patrick, thank you for your insightful words. Everything you both said makes so much sense, and i know that in the midst of the storm, it's so easy to lose sight of the shore and horizon.
Nancy, I appreciate your honesty, and know that you understand where i am coming from. I forgot that my photos are "honest" and that is what i had prided myself on - taking photos of what is real. Perhaps i needed a vacation from the real - grandmother dying, the saying goodbye of a father that i will never have, and my mom's cancer returning.
Patrick - i never knew your backstory, and thank you so much for sharing. What an incredible story - and how much emotion must have gone into that days leading up to the exhibition. But as you said, you changed your focus for a short time, and found your way back home to what you loved to do.
I know there is love there, it just has to find the right conduit....
Flickr is weird and there certainly is a fickle as well as loyal audience. Sometimes I don't know why I'm posting - but a lot of postings were for someone particular, that I wanted to share my everyday life with, that relationship has just hit a brick wall and I am pretty distraught, and it has made me wonder what I'm doing and why. The other day I posted 2 images that had comments disabled, I couldnt face any comments at all.
What is phhotography for?
I have another account in the murkier ends of flickr, I'd hoped I'd find a bit more imagination there but not a huge amount!! But it has been interesting creatively.
But if you feel a big urge to not take photos yes sell the equipment - but make sure you've got something small but good quality for when that burning desire to photograph bursts forth!!!
Photography did pull me up from the depths in the past...I wonder about this time....
Auvery Eva ,
i hear you, and know your pain.
Flickr is both my one love and true enemy. It's so schizophrenic. Sometimes i wonder why i still post there, but then i look back to all of what i have posted in the past, the creativity there, and keep my finger off the delete button for that reason.
Photography? It should be for you. It's a language we speak that has made sense of the world around us for us. I think it's important we know that and realize that it goes through transformations just as we do.
I was so very happy to have the chance to work with my best friend and body painter extraordinaire, Alex Hansen. He always knows how to pull me out of my darkest spots. We have known each other for more than 20 years. He is a dark genius, but he too, like all other artists walk in the shadows of creative atrophy. We all do. But i hope that you will be able to tap into my energy and find the strength to keep moving forward. One shutter click at a time..
xo
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