when there is no passion, no spark, just jealousy?
Anger, disappointment?
When the one that made you feel whole, alive now makes you long for the past?
What happens when those memories are too painful to relive, revisit?
I am seriously considering selling my camera.
There is no joy in my photography anymore. There is no excitement, no reward.
A craft that i once attributed to saving my life has now become my poison.
It's so sad. The feeling is bittersweet, as if i am saying goodbye to a lover who has been my secret confidant. But I must move on.
Every time I hear about people around me, people who i know getting all this attention for their photography, a weekend hobby and a shitty 80$ digital camera, that makes me sad. I spent years on the craft. The art. Somebody just comes along, shoots off 600 images, and yes, because the law of odds allows them chance, get a good shot out of the bunch, be praised and honored - makes 10 + years of study, toil and tears jump out the window.
There is a big difference between somebody who personally invests in their art, the creative process, and people who are just bored, curious or lazy. I'm tired of fighting. I have done enough in the past few months to last ten lifetimes.
But i can't help but feel a deep sense of loss, abandonment, fear.
When i come back from camping, i'm going to put my camera and equipment up for sale. The money i make from it could go far in getting me a ticket to Europe. Perhaps to Greece. I need to make a profound change. I need to cut out my own psychological cancer that has been ravaging my body for some time.
Thank you photography, you have been very special to me, but now i must move on.
I no longer recognize you anymore, and that's a pity.
