Something you need to know...

What you need to know.
What i'm going through is real.
It's pain, it's horror, it's fear and hopelessness.

It's real and if I could possibly have any wish is that everybody on the planet who says that "bipolar illness isn't real" have one day in my shoes during one of my worst episodes.

But I know that will never happen, so it remains my mission to give a shout out whenever I can. To educate the ignorant and to shout at those who choose to feign  hearing loss.


It's All in Your Head And Other Thoughtless Things Said!
By Marcia Purse


How often have you been accused of whining or being a hypochondriac? Do people think you are just a complainer, an attention-seeker, when depression makes it difficult for you to cope with daily life? Are you told that "there is absolutely nothing wrong with you?" Do people tell you to "get over yourself?" I am sure that everyone with bipolar disorder has had those completely thoughtless things said which we can quote verbatim 5, 10 and even 30 years down the road.

Sometimes those with whom we interact can be narrow minded and cutting. And for every person who says something deliberately hurtful to a person with mental illness, there are a dozen who say things thoughtlessly or out of ignorance. Unfortunately, regardless of intent, words wound, fester and scar.

The following is a short list of things people say that are often intended to be helpful, but are actually tactless. Perhaps these will better equip you to respond to the thoughtless comments and to illustrate the need for each of us to better think through our word choices.

What was said: It's all in your head. You are a hypochondriac.
What may have been perceived: You are either completely deluded or making an excuse for poor behavior in order to get my sympathy. I don't believe in that psychiatric mumbo jumbo. I don’t believe that you actually have a real illness.
The Fallacy: Mental health problems are the result of a character flaw or weak personality. Mental illnesses are not real diseases.
The Facts: Bipolar Disorder is a medical illness with a physical cause probably rooted in structural or biochemical abnormalities in the brain. In short, it is very real, just like diabetes or heart disease.

What was said: We all go through times like this.
What was perceived: You are overreacting. Stop making mountains out of molehills. You can't handle life as well as I can.
The Fallacy: Everyone has the symptoms of Bipolar Disorder.
The Facts: An article by David A. Kahn, M.D., and colleagues entitled Treatment of Bipolar Disorder: A Guide for Patients and Families1 offers an excellent perspective for addressing this fallacy. "We all experience a variety of moods -- happiness, sadness, anger, to name a few. Unpleasant moods and changes in mood are normal reactions to everyday life, and we can often identify events that caused our mood to change. However, when we experience mood changes or extremes that are out of proportion to events or come 'out of the blue' and make it hard to function, these changes may be due to a mood disorder."

What was said: Just shake it off.
What was perceived: You've created this problem for yourself, so just get over it and move on. I am out of patience with you. Don't bother me with this again.
The Fallacy: Everyone can and should control their emotions.
The Facts: Bipolar disorder is a medical condition. Those with this disorder can no more snap out of it or shake it off then those with a broken leg.

What was said: He must be demon possessed.
What was perceived: I am righteous. You are not. Everyone who believes in God is perfect and does not struggle in life. You are a sinner and got what you deserved.
The Fallacy: Bipolar Disorder is the result of misconduct.
The Facts: Bipolar disorder is not your fault. It is not the result of something you did or didn’t do. "Bipolar disorder has no single proven cause, but research suggests the illness is due to abnormalities in the way some nerve cells in the brain function or communicate." (Kahn et al, 2004).

Sources:
Kahn, D.A., Keck, P.E., Perlis, R.H., Otta, M.W., & Ross, R. (2004). Treatment of Bipolar Disorder: A Guide for Patients and Families2.

inconclusive

the MRI results - inconclusive...
they can't find anything that is out of the ordinary.

I think I'm gonna push for a PET scan, and the exploratory surgery.

The pain is incredible and I can't believe that there is nothing going on underneath the surface.

something is not right here and i need to find out what it is fast.

it has hampered the quality of my life. I can't sit, I can't walk, i can't move much.
I have become a prisoner of my own home.

and for somebody who is bipolar, staying indoors is NOT a good thing to do, especially during the winter months.


I'm slowly going insane.

I used to love to run, to go to the gym, to take long walks in the park, the crisp snow squeaking underneath my boots. Cleaning out the stale air from my lungs.

But that is become a chore. That has become almost impossible.

What next?

What next...


I'm pushing to to have my next surgeon's appointment pushed up from the end of March to an earlier date, but like with all doctors, their availability is limited to one day a week, and there are so many people who are perhaps even worse off than me who are also waiting...

Happy year of the Tiger.

Rip my insides to shreds, as if you are not already doing so...

Michel Bubble and the marvels of modern science...

Had my mri the other day. Got a bit worried when the technician said that the radiologist wanted to see my ultrasounds to "compare". Guess they found something because if they didn't they wouldn't need another scan to "compare" it to!

That made me quite nervous actually.

The scan lasted about 45 minutes and man, was it loud!!! Thank God they gave me noise canceling headphones (big honking earphones) and piped in some Michel Bubble to pass the time. The actual sound was in mono, but it helped to take my mind off being in this magnetic doughnut while my atoms were being spun around and around.

oh yea, had a mild allergic reaction to the thingamajig they had to inject into me to get a clearer image. A huge rash, some heart palpitations, but nothing too serious.

Small mercies...

The pain was so bad last night I had to bite the narcotic bullet and take the morphine. It did work, but it also made me agitated. It's hard to sleep in 15 minute intervals. The sun was coming up and i was trying to find solace sandwiching myself between two pillows.

and so the journey continues...

scan me till i glow

scan me till i glow


Wednesday MRI
reports to be sent to (let me count...1...2...3..4)

4 different doctors, all on the case of this mystery diagnosis.

The pain is still there. I was doubled over with it last night after e was kind enough to take me to have a nice dinner.

Painkillers last night - kept me up until 6am. Got up at 11am with extreme nausea.
Side effect of the meds.

Next step - PET scan?
Exploratory surgery?
That will be fun - two different doctors from two different specialties. Tag team scrub in. I hope they don't keep me open for too long. Last time i had surgery, i was on a fast track for a kidney transplant, bled out like a spigot.

Must tell the doctors: "i'm a bleeder"...