what does it mean?

All tests are back normal.
what does it all mean?
The pain is very real and is not going away.


Onto opinion # 6 this afternoon. So many doctors I've lost count.

Dizzy from the pain meds.
Woken up by the roof guys at 7am.
Sleepless night.



Found out from my friend that she is going back to her home country after 15 years of being in the city. It's sad, because we had that falling out, and she had called a few weeks ago to apologize. But then i got sick and did not get a chance to speak with her. She leaves for two months on Friday, comes back and then moves.

Kinda sad. We had a lot of good times.

I can't help but thinking of when she said: "Girl, we never hang out anymore. When we are 70 and sitting on our balcony knitting, we will say: 'oh we should have hung out more, ran around the city together.' "

and now i'm sad, because it is too late to get those days back. It's too late to go back in time and re-start from scratch. Sure, there is skype, but it's not the same thing. I feel as if I'm loosing not only a best friend, but a part of my family. That a lot of family to lose in one year. Very sad. Sometimes you just have to let go of things that could have been but won't be anymore. Hang on to the good times. That's what I'm doing. At least we had good times.

at least we had those...

it's all about you...

it's all about you isn't it?

It always comes to you doesn't it?

disappointment

hands thrown up in the air for this one...

here are a million reasons why somebody does or does not do anything. how we choose to interpret things is entirely of our own doing.

i'm sick as a dog. now you know that.

Now I know that it's too much to ask for anything, unless it's about you.

and you're sick as a dog.

It's all about you isn't it. Always will and always will be.

And I have my own reasons why i may or may not care anymore.  And I have my own reasons why i may or may not reply to this email and how you chose to interpret this is up to you...

(note to self - No reply, no comment...)

but you knew that...

kitty prozac

Kineko is now on kitty prozac.

Welcome to the family my lovely little feline friend...

he has been picking off his fur for a week now. Looked up on the internet - nerves.

Poor neurotic little cat. Takes after his mom i guess...

If he were human, perhaps this would equal "cutting himself"?

We bought these "treat pockets" - soft chewy cat treats that have a hole in them so you can pop in the pill and mush it closed. Brilliant. Beats having to pry open his mouth and shove the pill past a gagging salivating tongue slapping mess. He does seem more chill now than before.

Geeze. I think i'll try a dose, sans the treat pocket.

but seriously

this weather is starting to get to me.

October November are my suicide watch months. I watch for signs of thoughts of suicide. They are really just passing microblips on my radar, but still, enough to shake me up every once and a while.

My three month window is beginning to close as well. Mom goes for her scan in a few weeks. Then the rest is up to the universe.

But today, the grey cold damp day, I'm looking for sunshine in the pits and corners of my mind to sweep away the blackness that seems to be accumulating one speck at a time...

R.I.P canon 10D

the night before my big shoot, my little back up camera died

i am furious and distraught.

also kicking myself in the foot for lending it to a friend who shot it into the ground.

I knew that it was a weak little thing, but he is my best friend and was in a jam.

but now i'm in a jam.

and he's not around, or has no cash to help me out.

i wanna cry...

if no news is good news, then new news is bad news.

the cancer is back.

There is a growth in her stomach and we are meeting with her surgeon on tuesday to see what the next step will be.

her oncologist wants it removed pronto.

She is worried that she will have to take more time off work, which is not a good thing.

We are all floored.

What happened?

The other tumors had disappeared.

And then this?

The doctor thinks that the prednazone she was taking for her rheumatoid arthritis (an immune system suppressant) might have compromised the il2 treatment (which was an immune system booster)

why why why

this is not fucken fair.