anchor

I have not been here in a while

when we were going through my g.mother's things yesterday, we came across her journal. She kept one right till the end. I guess that runs in my family. Grandfather loved to write, so did she, and here i am, fingers dancing on keyboard . A word is a word is a word. I find comfort in that.

this is my anchor.

Like memories, Words never really go away.

the following is a letter to a friend who is on the other side of the ocean, with family, friends and her home.

I hope that you are home - having a wonderful time, taking in the nordic air, taking a dip in the ocean, knowing your life is complete and on the right track without the ghosts of the past, one in particular perhaps very near where you are...

Well, on my side of the ocean, just got back from the clinic.
they are so full of shit. ONLY one problem at a time is their thing. The doctor turned up her nose when I told her about my pit - so my stomach took priority, meanwhile, my armpit is going numb and the scope traveling up and down my arm and into my breast. I go for a mamo 2mrw but won't get the results for weeks...

so had to fork out 200 for bloods (that's plus the 100 for the ultrasound on friday, plus the 250 from three weeks ago for those bloods that found nothing...)

I'm falling apart,


And it's so weird knowing my grandmother is gone. Mom said :

"Funny, it's like we expected her to be around forever - we almost forgot that she was almost 90!!" 

But it's still weird. I know you know what i mean...

We had a nice dinner - my mom, her friend b and e - remembered the qirky things about her - how she liked to keep stacks (and i mean stacks) of napkins "just in case". WW2 remnants of that mentality. 

And how she used to pencil in her eyebrows like huge arcs over her eyes. 

How I was her special granddaughter - the first. 

And how my doing my greek impressions she would always laugh and laugh. 

I wish I had a chance to talk to her one last time...

She said a few things to the nurses a few days before - "How will I know my daughter (m - her daughter who died of cancer last year) if I won't have a body.?" and when asked if she needed some Myoflex for her joints, she said "I won't need it where I'll be going..."

Funny how they just know.

Did she give up? Or just give in ? we will never know...

The hardest will be on thurs for the viewing. and then the funeral on friday.
Mom will fall apart more or less depending on what she finds out wedensday. God I hope to high heaven that the cancer has not come back, let alone spread...


I am going to nap. Round two with my eye doc at 2:30pm to see if I'm losing my sight and/or will need surgery.

It's snowing here - big fluffy flakes.

just when we thought spring was finally here, the sky opens up and cries soft tears...