rationalize the irrational

had an awesome day today.
Swam for an hour. 45 minutes no stop. 40 laps. Not bad for somebody who has not exercised in eons...

It felt good - to be buoyant. Body moving effortlessly through the water. Arms displacing fluid, the sound of my own breath breaking the pace.

Got new swim fins. Cute little things. Look like stubbed flipper toes. Not too long that it will kick the person behind you in the head, but enough to make waves that mimic a small hurricane throughout the pool.

I moved effortlessly because i was not afraid of the water, where i was going, what i was doing. I saw the bottom and it was not too far away from reach.

I have this irrational fear of deep pools.
Deep oceans don't bother me as much - perhaps it's the turquoise that is calming to me. When i was in cuba, i would go snorkeling for miles by myself, without a fear in the world. Floating effortlessly, the water calm and undersea life watching me watch them. And the salt water, no matter how hard I tried, I could not stay down long enough to get very close to anything. Skimming the surface.

But pools on the other hand, are my nemeses.
There is something that scares the shit out of me when it comes to looking into a deep pool. Perhaps because the blue is so very intense. So very deep. Perhaps it harks back to the first time i learned how to swim. We were literally thrown in the deep end of the pool. I hyperventilated as i tried to dog paddle, making me even more exhausted that much faster.  My little arms and legs moving furiously - trying to keep me afloat - to keep me from sinking to my watery grave.

The teachers would have never let this happen, but it's a chore to tame a monkey mind - let alone the rabid monkey mind of a 7 year old.

And that fear stuck with me for a long time.

And was revisited last week @ my swim class.
The deep end drops off to 12 feet from a 5 feet base. Just like that - deep.

I had a panic attack the first time i swam it. What was i afraid of? I don't know. Even 35 years later, it still haunts me.

I can swim. Swim quite well actually. But when i'm stressed, i sink like a stone. Working against the waves instead of with them is a recipe for near disaster.


C'mon guys - 20 laps in less than 15 minutes.
I almost cried.
This is only the 2nd intermediate swim class! It's not the Olympics!!

So i paddled through, only making it to 12 in 18 minutes. And even that was pushing it. I was exhausted.

But why then, today, was i able to do 40 laps in less than 45 minutes?

There was no fear.
I swam with ease.
i was one with the movement and water.

This pool slowly drops off to 7 feet. Slowly.
I did not panic, i did not dread.
The daylight shone through the skylights, and i felt refreshed.
My swim classes on the other hand - 8 - 9pm.
Dark dark and deep..

But it's all about endurance.
i know that once i feel comfortable on my own turf, within my own pre-defined set of known variables that i will feel comfortable anywhere else uncertainty may strike.

And tonight, a joyous meeting with friends.
Play pushing through. Getting down the bones of the essence of the work. Bbby will help me but it will always remain my "baby". And I know he understands that and I'm happy he does.

This is a writing match made in heaven.
This play is going to go places.
The sky and is the limit.

I move effortlessly because i am not afraid of these waters, where i am going, what i am doing. I see the distance and it is not too far away from reach...